Saturday, October 14, 2006

Live a simple life

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
Okay, so where am I now?

After two weeks with my mother on vacation, re-adjusting to her presence is proving surprisingly difficult. I had enjoyed the pleasant feeling of waking up to a quiet, empty, peaceful house. It was also quite satisfying to live my life without a single phone call from her, asking where I was, what I was doing, and what time I'd be home. Oh look... nothing happened when she wasn't here to bitch. I didn't die, get arrested, or become engulfed in any sort of life altering trouble. Oh look... I can take care of myself and function under my own jurisdiction. What a revelation.

I've discovered a few new passions. The most recent, Poetry Slam. A trio of poets came down here from Kentucky to perform at Cafe Coco last Thursday. I hadn't ever seen something like it in person, and the energy and emotion they had was very inspiring. It made me start writing again, only with more freedom. They have these competitions and such. You can find out more about it here:
It's a really cool thing, and something I might like to try to do myself.

Another passion? Shrooms. I'm taking a break from them at the moment, considering that I had the sneaking suspicion they were starting to fuck with my head with too much use. They really kicked my creativity back into gear, though, and gave me access to so many other perspectives.

And yet the most intense passion, the one that consumes me more than any other at the moment.. is HIM. The one who's name is not to be uttered, who I've been sleeping with since the last week of April. So that's around 6 months we've been seeing each other. I tried to break it off with him once, to pursue a 'real' relationship with R, who I met when he appeared as the new dish guy at Bricks. The fact that he was actually my age seemed to ruin things, though, since we couldn't really meet in the middle... as far as levels of maturity, lifestyles, religious views, family values, morals... we were polar opposites. So I saw failure in that from the beginning.. and I continued my relationship with HIM at the same time. Both of them knew about the other, though, so I wouldn't say I did any cheating or anything of that nature. I couldn't handle being a 'girlfriend' to R. All the calls and talking and guilt trips and having to answer to someone... not my thing at the time. That ended after a month or so. Somewhere along the line, I had this intense night with HIM, and ended up curled up in his bed, sobbing with panic about the realization that I was in love with him.
Hence the passion. I've become completely consumed by this fear and worry and apprehension. I never wanted or intended to become deeply involved with him, and now that I want to I can't get a good idea of how he feels about me. I don't how to tell him how I feel, nor if I should do that at all. AND I CAN'T STOP FUCKING THINKING ABOUT IT. I finally took the first step this morning by talking to him and asking if he's been involved with anyone else. He responded with a hasty no, joking that he hasn't had the time for anyone else.. hence explaining why I don't hear from him as often as I used to. All the.. being busy.. and such. I suppose 3 jobs could cut into your sex time. So that was semi encouraging, but unsettling in it's own way. He's going to call me later, and hopefully I'll see him later so I can pick up with the.. talking.. again. It's just every time I get close to approaching the topic with him, I get these montrous butterflies in my stomach and reconsider the idea of wanting to be his girlfriend. I haven't been comfortable with being a girlfriend, exclusively, with anyone in a long, long time.

So on continues my screwy love and sex life, which I fear (and perhaps hope a little as well) will never settle down. I'm still working on getting over the realization that the bartender at cafe coco, a beautiful girl that I've been crushing on since the first day I saw her, has a new girlfriend. But we won't get into that.

I'm just sitting here, bored out of my mind. Everything seems to have drifted back down into this unorganized, messed up, depressing hole I find myself in every month or two. I desperately need to get school finished, but my struggle through one civics and economics test this morning was enough to leave me quite deprived of motivation. I must have said something wrong at an interview at Cafe Coco... not getting that job was a major blow, and the idea of resorting to another hostessing job in this shithole of an uninspired suburban town is really pissing me off. But what can I do? Take it one day at a time, see what life throws my way, and deal with it creatively.



Monday, September 11, 2006

Screaming Bunny

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
You have to see this. :)
Check out the Screaming Bunny.