Tuesday, November 30, 2004


Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
I'm going to do my creative writing project. Yep, right away.... gettin' right on that. I'm so hopeless... I was that class, reading something, when the teacher called out my name... "Annie?" I look up... "Yes?" She stares for a second. "Your project," she says. I stare back... "What about it?.......~a few seconds pass~........... Do I have it, you mean?" "Yes," she replies, slightly exhasperated. "Oh.... uh, no." I didn't even know it was due. I mean, I knew... I just didn't remember. What's funny it that not even 2 seconds before asking me to turn it in, she had been talking to the class about it. I really need to start paying attention... I need to try to care. I'm already gauranteed summer school this year... for english, of all things. ENGLISH. The one class I've always effortlessly passed. ~screwed~ Biology and algebra I can just take over next year. But english, you have to have 4 credits to graduate... so I have to get that 2nd credit this year.. sometime. IF I don't go after this homeschool thing. Homeschool homeschool homeschool. It's that thing that sounds like absolute heaven when it's 7 AM and you went to bed at 3. There are things that make me not want to do it, too, though. Eh, whatever happens happens.
Okay... yeah, cw project. Any minute now.
I found this really cool idea on someone's blog, though. Go to wmp and play your library on shuffle... list the first 10 songs that play.

1. The Movies; Alien Ant Farm
2. I'm Only Happy When It Rains; Garbage
3. Lullaby; The Cure
4. One More Suicide; Marcy Playground
5. The Blower's Daughter; Damien Rice
6. Dust In the Wind; Kansas
7. What's This/Jack Skellington/ Nightmare Before Christmas; Danny Elfman
8. Broken Down; Sevendust
9. Nepture from The Planets; Holst
10. Pea; Red Hot Chili Peppers

So there... kinda mellow, right? I have everything from metal to classical in there, though... so. Oh well.
Anyway, I'm very sure I had an idea of something really cool to post earlier... but it's gone. So, guess I'll leave with a quote:
"An artist is a dreamer consenting to dream of the actual world."

Monday, November 29, 2004

english.. i talked to t!

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
Ultimately, I am depressed by the utter pointlessness of existence. We will waste the time and fade to dust and be nothing but anonymous members of the past. Our emotion will be trivial. Our thoughts will be completely abandoned in unrecognized oblivion. We're wasting away trying to be. Trying to become something we're tricked into thinking is important. It's nothing.


Sunday, November 28, 2004


Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
I think I'm just gonna disappear for awhile. I dunno, about a week? That would be nice. I wrote T a messed up email last night. Part of me is going, ~oh god why'd you send that~ the other part is going, ~eh, it doesn't matter~
I'm just really hungry... and there is no food in this house. It's kind of depressing... Last night I had pizza for dinner... I found it in the refrigerator, and I have no idea how long it had been there. Could have been anywhere from 2 - 6 weeks. I think after that I just went to bed and tried not to feel.
I found out a good friend of mine's mother has discovered my blog. I was told and instantly shut down.... just like, "oh crap." My first impulse was to delete it, and maybe create another one under a false name. It seems that would be somewhat contrary to the point of having a blog in the first place, though. So as of right now... I don't care. Then again, when I think about it... blogging has significantly cut down on my actual writing time, my journal is somewhat neglected compared to it's past. It's kind of restricted to the absolutely most personal info... the deepest darkest secrets and such. So..... what to do? Perhaps it's time to say farewell?


Midnight Lemonade

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
It's true. You can't judge a book by it's cover.

As I calmly eyed the shelves of library books, slowly running my right hand along the smooth plastic covers, I found myself slightly intrigued by the interesting lettering and original title of Midnight Lemonade. I quickly pulled it from its place between the long line of other uninteresting bound pages and instantly found myself repulsed by the cover. In the center of the pure midnight blue was a strange sun-like figure. It reminded me of Mexican-style art, a pattern you might find woven into a rug. That particular genre of artistic expression is not one I have ever had great fondness for. It reminds me of days as a very young child, when my mother collected and coveted Indian carvings and Mexican tapestries. My first impulse is to return the book to it's rightful place. I wouldn't have much interest in a story relating to that. Taking a moment, however, I turn the novel in my hand to read the back for a tad more insight. I see two very short paragraphs, quotes from different readers who have critiqued the contents of the writing. I don't read them, as I don't base my choices on other's opinions. Opening the hard cover, I eye the paragraphs of description, reading a few lines here and there. "Katherine Pierson, raised in the isolation of a Mississippi River town and educated in a convent school, careens into adulthood when she marries a man twelve years her senior. Nothing in her sheltered past prepares her for marraige, the subsequent responsibilities of motherhood, and the........" Not very interested, I flip to the back cover to find a black and white photo of the author. She looks to be around her late 30's or early 40's, attractive but nowhere near the description of beautiful. I don't read the words of informative explanation surrounding her. I turn to random pages, reading lines here and there. What really grabs and holds my attention, however, is the very first paragraph of chapter one:

""Any girl who kisses boys is giving her husband a sucked-out orange when she marries." Sister Helena is framed by French doors. In the garden behind her camellias are blooming; beyond them, the row of oaks laced with Spanish moss lead to the convent's main building. Sister Helena has changed my life. She made Shakespeare more real to me than the Cleaver family, I know Dante the way my peers in the outside world know Frankie Avalon. Sister Helena calls me her "little Emily Dickinson." I will languish in a garden writing beautiful poems that no one will read until after I die. I will die juicy."

This makes me smile and think, "I won't." Suddenly I desperately want to read this book, this, Midnight Lemonade. I want to know the meaning of the title, I want to know who Katherine Pierson is and what she does and goes through, I want to know what the author has to say, and I want to take something with me from this book, something that will affect me somehow whether it be in a major or minor way. So I do. I ignore the cover that repels me so, and take it home with me.

It was a very good book.


Friday, November 26, 2004


Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
was just thinking about something... something strange about me. Today I was at my aunt's house again. Her and my mom have a show tonight... and they were practicing some songs. My cousin and her boyfriend were there, eating leftovers. I was with them, when my uncle came in and started talking about something rather random... the soaring number of child abductions in New Mexico. He said there was some big story about these FBI agents that were undercover to watch a school there... and they were in regular clothes. This massive group of people thought they were watching children to kidnap them, and attacked the agents. They beat them up, doused them with gasoline, and lit them on fire. For some reason, I found it funny. I was sitting there smiling ear to ear. My cousin and her boyfriend looked all serious... and didn't find humor in the story at all. This isn't the first time I've shown a twisted sense of humor. My bro in law was once telling me, my mother and sister about some horrific murder scene in some city around here. He said they did something awful to this guy... then murdered... possibly raped, I can't remember.. this woman, then filleted her body and peeled the skin off her face. My mother and sister were freaked out... disgusted, and I sat there smiling. I just have problems, I suppose. It's just a natural reaction for me when I hear something like that... others show remorse and sorrow for the victims.... I find it amusing.
Anyway, this is on J's xanga, so for the sake of my boredom... I'll steal it and fill in my own answers.......

Name: Annie
Birthplace: Nahville, Tennessee
Current Location: Franklin, Tennessee
Eye Colour: brown
Hair Colour: black and red
Height: 5'6" or 5'7" ???? not sure
Righty Or Lefty: Righty
Zodiac Sign: Leo

Shoes You Wore Today: black hightop converse
Your Weakness: , old/ beautiful photography, and PEZ
Your Fears: ending up as a housewife in a suburban home with a businessman husband.. not seeing the world
Your Perfect Pizza: Pizza Hut, medium, thin crust w/ extra cheese
Goal You'd Like To Achieve: having an apartment in Paris

Your most overused phrase on AIM: yeah
Your thought first waking up: I miss T____
Your best physical feature: i've been told I have nice shoulders... and I love my hair
Your bedtime: always changing
Your most missed memory: Taos... everything about Taos

Pepsi or Coke: Coke
McDonalds or Burger King: McDonalds
Single or Group Dates: group at first
Adidas or Nike: don't care
Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea: Lipton
Chocolate or Vanilla: depends on my mood
Cappuccino or Coffee: Cappuccino I guess

Smoke: no
Cuss: yes
Take a shower: yep
Have a crush: yeah, I guess
Like high school: hate it
Want to get married: yep
Believe in yourself: yep
Get motion sickness: sometimes
Think you are attractive: sometimes
Think you’re a health freak: no
Get along with your parents: rarely
Like thunderstorms: Love them
Play an instrument: no not really

Drank alcohol: Yes
Gone on a date: maybe, i'm not sure
Gone to the mall: I think so
Gone on stage: No
Eaten an entire box of oreos: No
Eaten Sushi: no
Gone skating: No
Gone skinny dipping: No
Dyed your hair: I think so
Stolen anything: Yes

Played a game that required the removal of clothes: uhh.... i don't think so
Been trashed or extremely intoxicated: oh yes
Been caught doing something: yes
Been called a tease: Yes
Gotten beaten up: yes
Shoplifted: no
Changed who you were to fit in: never

Age you hoped to be married: early... like early 20's
Number of children: probably none
Describe your dream wedding: simple... just a really cool dress and a few pretty flowers, my man in pinstripes.... I like the way my sister's ceremony was done.. so something kinda like that.
How do you want to die: In a freak accident at 65
Where you want to go to college: dunno.... as long as it isn't in this state
What do you want to be when you grow up: don't care, as long as I can travel freely
What country would you most like to visit: Europe... anywhere in europe.... france, england.........

Best eye colour: dark brown
Best hair colour: Black
Short or long hair: somewhere in the middle
Height: i like kinda tall guys
Weight: i like thin
Best article of clothing: uhh.... gothic/punk/grunge stuff is good.... or anything really original/creative. different. doesn't have to be, though.
Best first date location: anywhere
Best first kiss location: doesnt matter

Number of drugs taken illegally: uhh,,, possibly one
Number of people I could trust with my life: 3 or 4? i'm not sure
Number of CD’s that I won: 0
Number of piercing: just ears.... number will grow
Number of tattoo’s: 0... will have one
Number of times my name has appeared in the newspaper: i don't know... maybe once
Number of scars on my body: exactly 13.... only one is noticeable, though
Number of things in my past that I regret: maybe one or two things.... but I don't tend to regret, I tend to accept


Thursday, November 25, 2004


Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
today has been the best day in a long time. I slept til 11, rolled out of bed and got dressed.. then left for my aunt's house. Overall I had a really good time. Everyone seemed pretty happy... everyone consisting of me, my sister, bro in law, 3 cousins, 2 uncles, aunt, parents, and grandparents. I lost miserably at a game of scrabble.... had a cosmopolitan, a beer, white wine, and red wine.... so by dinner I was drunk. It wasn't as bad as it could have been, though.. I'm sure most people didn't even realize I was tipsy. After eating it gradually wore off, though.... the food was really good. Then a game of monopoly began... and I actually won. I have never in my entire life won a game of monopoly. Not only that, but my sister was playing... and no one ever beats her. I was astonished. Now I want to play again, just to see if it was merely luck or if I have a bit of skill.
Oh yes.... and I found out I get to go to Taos!!!!!!! YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I've missed it so much. The little ski village up there is like heaven. Skiing may be the one sport I'm actually good at. I don't remember having any bad falls while I was there last year... no broken bones. The only one that sticks out in my mind was once when I was stuck behind my mother... and she was going so slow that I couldn't stay in line with her and when she turned we got caught up in each other's skis and crumpled. That was hell... skiing with her. She won't take risks so it's no fun. She takes her time and contemplates every move..... while I just go for it. It's great besides the skiing too.... I mean it has to be one of the best places to people watch. All kinds of people go there. If I didn't feel like going out... my aunt and uncle have a beautiful condo... so I could just sit beside one of the massive windows and watch the snow. Last year I remember we all ended up watching Pirates of the Caribbean about 20 times... just like every night. We were there for new year's eve, too.... so I was fortunate to get to witness their celebration. Once it got really dark all the really good, expert skiers went up on the mountain and lit these torch things... then went down the front slopes, doing flips and different kinds of tricks. It was beautiful... plus the fireworks. Those moments are some of my best memories. There are little shops in the village, too.... most of them are the same, just ski clothes and souvenirs... a couple had really nice jewlery. I remember going out on my own to shop a little... I think I was looking for something to buy T. For some reason I was determined to find something cool for him. There really wasn't anything to get him, though.... everything was stupid besides the jewlery... and what kind of jewlery do you buy a guy? So I had to talk to the saleslady for such a long time. "I'm looking for something simple, something masculine, that a young guy might like." She was really nice. I'm trying to remember what I bought him.... oh yeah...... a $70 silver bracelet, like those cuff-type bracelets. I don't remember if he liked it.
I bought myself a couple of shirts. All the clothes were so preppy... so I bought the two shirts that had black in them. One of them I cut up a few months ago... it was just a bit too sporty.... the other I love and still wear all the time. I bought a black beanie with little silver stars on it, too. I haven't worn it since, though. I think it's still up in my closet.
AnYwAy. I'm just so happy I get to go again... I'll be thinking about it alot. I don't even know when the trip will take place... but I don't even care. I get to go i get to go... yayyayyayyay!
Okay... must leave now.
au revoir

Wednesday, November 24, 2004

hmm hmm hmm

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
An old friend of mine just won a lawsuit... he and his wife are ending up with something like $20 million. ~gasp~ Ouch. uhhhh. Well good for them. It seems I'm just surrounded by rich people now. I'm kinda weird about money, though. My aunt and grandparents are both considered wealthy... and my parents used to be, but fame fades you see. When I was younger, there were quite a few instances in which money had to be loaned to my parents.... and that often created tension. I always sensed that my parents were uncomfortable with it. If you're too rich people tend to take advantage of you; and though I don't think those family members ever felt they were being used like that, it was always a possibility. I was often surrounded by that, and it always made me feel bad. Not only that, but not so long ago I was going through a period where it seemed I was shunning my family. I was very distant and they all interpreted it as a mean attitude. You know what they're first reaction was? They told my mother that they certainly weren't going to give me anymore money. Like, you know.. .they'd write me checks for the new school year, or a birthday or whatever. When I heard that I thought it was ridiculous. It made me realize how much their lives revolve around money. I didn't care about the money... I cared about how shallow they were, how consumed they were by it. With those two instances, it's created a nervous connection between me and money. Therefore I simply will not ask for it from anyone besides my own parents. Even that makes me a bit uncomfortable. If someone offers to pay for me or buy me something... it always makes me really unsteady. It's made me determined to be financially independent as soon as possible... so I can pay for myself and therefore avoid any instances where others would feel used. It seems they don't really care, but I always think they do.
Anyway. If I end up rich, it would be convenient; make life a bit easier, and I wouldn't mind it much... but it's not something I'll strive for.

K, so.... I think I'll have to find some other form of entertainment.

au revior
"Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company."
~Mark Twain

Tuesday, November 23, 2004


Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
I wish I had skater friends.
Wait.... I wish I had friends.
~Ouch. Ouch. Ouch. Ouch. With each step I feel a pain on my thigh, right below the area where I assume the leg bone connects to the hip bone. Ouch. Ouch. Ouch. Ouch. My bag is on that side, and one book had managed to sit at an odd angle... thus rubbing uncomfortably against me. Ouch. Ouch. Ouch. Ouch. 'Thank you', I think, 'for making my journey from one end of the school to the other infinitely more debilitating.' Ouch. Ouch. Ouch. Ouch~

But I don't have to go back... not for the rest of the week. Like that really matters. I'll spend my time alone on the couch, then it'll be sunday night and I'll be thinking of what a waste the past few days were. What if I could do anything I wanted? Had a car.... and money...... I'd drive myself to downtown Nashville, take my camera, and just walk around.. slipping into random shops and watching people. The next day ~since this is dream land and anything could happen~ I'd meet my perfect boyfriend at the airport and fly of to Paris, where we would sip coffee in inspiring cafes and kiss atop the eiffel tower.

Okay... I just got carried away. The nashville thing could happen.

Anyway, Thursday the family is congregating at my aunt's house. She's the rich relative... so it's like everyone flocks to her when things are supposed to happen. She handles it admirably, though. I'm looking forward to it... because curiously enough I kind of want to see my family. That, and there will be myriads of free fine alcohol. Oh alcohol, dear alcohol, how I've missed your euphoric effects. I really have the most interesting conversations when I've downed a bottle of wine.
My mother literally does not posess the ability to stop talking. The words "shut up" are the two in the english language she cannot comprehend. I was in the car with her and my aunt tonight, my aunt driving... and it was raining, you really couldn't see anything... rather nerve racking. So of course, my mother sat there and talk talk talk fucking talked the whole time. Finally my aunt said, "(mother's name here), I am going to kill you if you don't shut up." I wanted to hug her with all my might when I heard that. She was serious, but my mother just gave a nervous laugh and kept talking. "wow i can't see anything can you what was that bass player's name is mom coming to the dinner on thursday my boss is moving i can't see anything can you i was asked to work on saturday but i really don't want to blah blah blah blah blah!!!!!!!!!!" My aunt and I were both completely silent, and I know she was having the same thoughts I was. Well, perhaps mine were a tad more malicious, as I envisioned myself strangling the woman from behind. SHUT UP!!! I seriously wanted to ask her, in all sincerity.. "Do you have some sort of problem with silence? Do you view it as some kind of curse that must be broken? Because honestly I'm quite fond of it." But she always does that.... she just cannot keep her mouth shut. Even when no ones around, she's talking to the dogs or cat. IT DRIVES ME INSANE.

Okay, now that I've dreamed, remembered, informed, and complained my share for the day, I'm off.

not quote

Monday, November 22, 2004

Satanic Balloons

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
Sitting quietly in french class I observe the people around me. Diagnally forward and to my right is a black girl in grey basketball sweats. Apparently today is her birthday, as the inflated globes hovering above her are advertising. She grasps the entangled ribbons that connect to the obnoxiously colorful expressions of "Happy Birthday!" They seem rather demanding. Suddenly, I imagine them coming to life and intrusively shoving themselves in the girl's face. They're wide-eyed and furious, with the printed characters of Mickey Mouse, Scooby Doo, and Finding Nemo becoming personas of crazed axe-murderers. I can hear them agressively screaming, "HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY DAMNIT!! HAVE A HAPPY BIRTHDAY AND ENJOY IT OR I'LL KICK YOUR ASS, BITCH!" their helium breath hot on her cheeks and forehead. I'm lost in a vision of her frantically screaming and running through the halls and parking lot, afflicted by these unmerciful objects of harassment.


Sunday, November 21, 2004


Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
Why post? I have nothing to say. I've been switching between watching Cirque Du Soliel in the den and talking to T online here in the living room. Cirque Du Soliel is great... I haven't seen it in awhile. Talking to T is even better.
I would do anything to not have to go to school tomorrow.
That play, Anything Goes, was really good. I was impressed. It was great to see the best friend C perform... she did such a good job. There were a few other people in it I knew.... it was very interesting.
It seems every time I get on the computer I follow a pattern... open AIM, check my favorite blogs and listen to the same 3 songs... Volcano, Cheers Darlin', and I Remember... all three by Damien Rice, then check out what buddies are online and check my email. Then I sit for a minute and try to think of something interesting to look up. Most of the time it's photography and art websites... sometimes blogs, and occasionally I'll check out the sims website for updates. It usually ends with a visit to flickr to upload a picture that reflects my mood for the day... and a varying amount of time to blog whatever comes to mind. Then, more random websites and such. So, now that I've blogged.... I think I'll look for some cool photography.
Have a nice day.
"Okay, there's a big difference between fine art nude and porn in black and white."

Saturday, November 20, 2004

One day at a time

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
So far I've taken a shower and had lunch... what are my other plans for the day? I need to do some work in my room. At around 4 I'm planning on running down to Blockbuster to return that video. I'll want to rent something else. The only problem is money... my mother has gone off to the movies and my father is here, but I can't ask him for money. I can't ask him for anything anymore, the bastard. I have money.. but after losing everything I'd saved up I'm desperately putting away every cent I can, so to spend it on something frivolous like a movie rental would be mentally unsettling. Well, let's say it's for a good cause... not only entertainment but cultural growth. Plus if I have another movie I'll have to take it back eventually... thus motivating me to get out of the house for fresh air and a bit of exercise. There, wasting my money is worth it. Anyway.. back to the point. After I get back from the store I'll watch part of the movie (depending on time frame) and curl my hair (current obsession).. then find something to wear tonight. Once 5:45 or 6 rolls around I'll call the best friend S to solidify plans for the night. Roughly 6:30 to 6:45 and I'll leave for the best friend C's play. From there on... well, who knows? Ooh.. maybe I can ask the best friend S to let me stay at her house. I can take drawings over there to scan.. and, maybe we can get smashed. (heh heh, just kidding) If she's working tomorrow, well I need to take a book back anyway.. and I need to find some type of art book. So.. hopefully that will work out.
I've been dying to write a script. Have I said that before? Well I am... the only problem is I have no idea what to write about. I keep getting small ideas. The best friend S and I watched 3 movies last night. The Dreamers (REALLY good if you're mature and have a strong stomach), Jersey Girl, and Impromptu. To me, all of them seemed to end abruptly. Jersey Girl I didn't really care, it wasn't that great of a movie.. but it's still like I didn't want the movie to end. It seemed like they all should have kept going. So, another problem is that... if I wrote a script, it would probably never end.
I've been toying with the idea of dying my hair red again. It was this beautiful vibrant red for awhile a long time ago. Then I dyed it black and vowed to grow it out really long. It's long now... I wouldn't describe it as really long.. but it's long. If I bleached out the black it would damage the hair and I'd have to cut it shorter. Ah, nevermind... I'll just put in more red streaks, then wait for a major turn in the story of my life to make the more drastic full-on change.
Oh yes, my sister and bro in law came over last night.. in their new silver volkswagon bug. It's really cute.. and she's dreamed of having one since she was a young teenager. Hooray hoorah for her. I commend you S, dear bro in law... you're doin' great. haha ha ha Thanks for taking such good care of her.
I'm off......
"can't say goodbye
can't make a choice
enraptured by unknown
can't seem to cry
I've lost my voice
In silence, I'm alone

You're somewhere now
in distance lost
beyond comprehension
begging, i bow
breathe on the frost
and wink at all the tension"


Friday, November 19, 2004


Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
I don't know why I keep doing this... deleting everything. Perhaps it marks a new chapter in my life? Perhaps not.

I should be in school right now.. but I'm still sick.
Last night I dreamed my aunt was coming over, and I was really nervous about it for some reason. When she showed up she came in and sat on the couch in our living room.. which was on the opposite side of the room. I think she was going to work on a song with me or something. So all the sudden I was out on the street in a yellow knit bikini. I got on this bike that came out of nowhere, and went down to the school on my street. There was someone else there... a young black boy, and I just started driving this bike around in circles. I kept thinking that I had to go back, because my aunt was waiting for me. I kept going in circles though, like I was trying to make a perfect circle or something. Once I accomplished whatever it was I was trying to do, I went back to the house and changed back into my regular clothes. I went in the living room and my mom was there, sewing I think, and I asked her where my aunt went. She said that she left. I felt this really strange feeling come over me... then I woke up. Can you say... Random? Lately I've been remembering my dreams more then usual. They've been pretty strange.

Anyway, I'll probably sit around and watch movies today... think about my poor peers being tortured in that prison so many call school.
The best friend S has a scanner... I don't. So I'm hoping I can go over there and use it to scan some of my drawings. Then I can post some of them. What fun, eh?
Crap... I think a parental unit is home. ~My heart drops~ Oh well.
"I hurt myself today to see if I still feel. I focused on the pain, the only thing that's real....."

i depart....... ~A