Saturday, December 25, 2004

Fuck, It's Santa

Originally uploaded by Cake of Pans.
The Second Coming

Turning and turning in the widening gyre
The falcon cannot hear the falconer;
Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold;
Mere anarchy is loosed upon the world,
The blood-dimmed tide is loosed, and everywhere
The ceremony of innocence is drowned;
The best lack all conviction, while the worst
Are full of passionate intensity.

Surely some revelation is at hand;
Surely the Second Coming is at hand.
The Second Coming! Hardly are those words out
When a vast image out of Spiritus Mundi
Troubles my sight: somewhere in the sands of the desert
A shape with lion body and the head of a man,
A gaze blank and pitiless as the sun,
Is moving its slow thighs, while all about it
Reel shadows of the indignant desert birds.
The darkness drops again; but now I know
That twenty centuries of stony sleep
Were vexed to nightmare by a rocking cradle,
And what rough best, its hour come round at last,
Slouches towards Bethlehem to be born?

~William Butler Yeats

Well today is a day.... not like most. I have to pack at some point... leaving tomorrow at 7 in the morning. I'm looking forward to it.. I love the whole airport... flying... people... process. Eww, bad memory though. I once got stuck sitting next to this guy who apparently knew everything there was to know about the aerodynamics and shit of flying. He also, apparently, had no life and no one to talk to... and proceeded to relate every detail of that knowledge... to me.
Anyway, I went to the mall yesterday... and had a surprisingly good time. I just got to shop alone for a couple hours. There were alot of people there... obviously, everyone with their last minute shopping and shit. I spent half the time buying and half the time people watching... good times. I got an amazing, amazing jacket that I'm in love with. I was actually looking for a hoodie, but... the only one hot topic had that I could deal with was just plain black, $30. I was going to buy it until I stumbled upon this coat of perfection... and despite it's $70 price tag.. I had to but it. Here....
That's it... although it looks better on me then it does in the picture... heh heh.
I still need a hoodie though.... whoops.
So anyway besides that.. I bought this awesome drinking game at Spencers. It's called... What the F*ck? Yeah, can't wait to play.
I got a poetry book too... I was actually wanting to spend that money on gifts for a couple people, but I couldn't find anything anyone would like, so, book it was.
Oh! And I shopped at Victoria's Secret for the first time ever. I mean, I've been in there a million times but I've never actually bought anything for myself. $40 for a bra... can you believe that? It's great, though... it's bright blue and really soft. I actually don't usually wear bras since I don't really need to... I mean, a 32/34 A can do without.. you know? But anyway... I figured I'd go ahead and buy one, since the only one I had was plain black and held together with a safety pin. So yeah... it's blue, and pretty. It makes me happy. :D
Okay... well, yeah.. I gotta pack at some point. And, umm, I don't know if I'm doing anything tonight although I really want to. Gotta get out of the house... been here for too long. I need time without parental units... they're in constant conflict when it comes to traveling, so. ~sighs~ Yeah, at least I can run off alone in Taos a bit.
k, bye. I may not be posting for awhile... like next Monday maybe.

k, quote and I'm out.
"My whole life is a dark room. One, big, darkroom."
~Lydia, Beetlejuice

Friday, December 24, 2004

there are plenty other first's to be had

Originally uploaded by Cake of Pans.

Well, I kinda feel like shit today... and no, it's not the alcohol.
Just brought me up... and shot me down.
But I deserve it.
No doubt about that.

I am 24% white trash. You, my friend, have class. You are so not white trash. You are more than likely Democrat, and your place is neat, and there is a good chance you may never drink wine from a box.

I am 30% hippie. Step away from the tie-dye. You smell too good to be a hippie and your dad is probably a cop. Being a hippie is not a fashion craze, man. It was a way of life, in the 60’s, man.

I am 41% bitch. (Hey when I was plastered it was 55) You may think you are an asshole or a bitch, but the truth is you are a good person at heart. Yeah sure, you can have a mean streak in you, but most of the people you meet like you.

I am 45% evil genius. You want to be evil. You do evil things. But given the opportunity, and a darn good reason you may turn to the good side. Besides you are probably a miserable evil genius.

I am 67% tortured artist. Art is significant in your life, people are scum but you have the capicity to deal with it. Give it a few more years and you will either forget about art or hate the world.

I am 18% ska. You're not ska. You're not even close... Do you even know what skanking is? If you need guidance, get offline and see if you can go find yourself a show, or a CD, or something.

I am 58% grunge. You are pretty dirty, all right and, you reek of teen spirit... you would sell your own children for a moldy hotpocket, man.

I am 22% raver. Have you even been to a rave? Go home. Loser. You suck. Actually, your probably just a normal person taking this test and don't know why.

I am 34% metal head. Most other metal-heads acknowledge your presence, but they laugh at you behind your back. Maybe you need to stop spending all that money on haircuts and invest in a few Pantera T-shirts. (I haven't paid for a haircut in like, a decade.)

I am 51% emo. (Plastered.....33) Well.. you've made the cut! Now go buy some promise rings and knit yourself a sweater.

I am 55% goth. Oh My Goth! You Goth, Girl. There is a good chance you're bi. Freakiness pumps through your viens, but you can still laugh at yourself.

I am 18% geek. You wanna be a geek. But you are not. Why would you even want to be one. You think it's fun? Try writting an online test application at 1 am in your underwear. (I do?)

I am 31% internet addict. You could go either way. Deep into the madness of nights filled with coding CGI-Scripts and online role playing games, or you could become a normal user. Good luck!

I am 24% punk rock. It's not a fashion craze, or even a cool thing to do. Swallow it. Get Lost, and take your friends with you. (Yep.. I know, I just respect and keep my distance.)

"In the beginning the universe was created. This has made alot of people angry and been widely regarded as a bad move."

fuck you

Thursday, December 23, 2004


Originally uploaded by Cake of Pans.
There is nothing to blog about.. I've done nothing but play sims and eat all day... and I'm about to get drunk. Therefore, I'll whip out the fantabulous 4,000 question book to pass the time.
Q1 - What do you do at your home desk?: Well, the one in the den is covered in crap... so nothing. The one in my room I don't use... it's too pretty. So the one I'm sitting at right now... I use the computer, and that's about it.
Q2 - Do you believe televangelists are legitimate?: No, they're idiots.. and sell-outs.
Q3 - What rules should exist concerning smoking?: I guess the rules set now are pretty good.... except I don't think there should be an age limit. That's just stupid.. and kind of pointless.
Q4 - Do you think people will live under the ocean's surface 500 years from now?: No, probably not.
Q5 - What is your general opinion about married people cheating?: Contrary to the point, it seems. Why bother making vows? Especially if it's just for the hell of it, or because they can.... if there's a real problem in the marraige they should talk to the other person and not be weak about it.
Q6 - Are you patient or impatient while waiting for something?: Depends on what I'm waiting for. :)
Q7 - Do you write letters or postcards?: On the rare occasion of actually mailing something.... letters.
Q8 - How much does it matter that most people like you?: I've experienced a time where literally everyone I knew disliked me for some reason.... I pulled through. So, doesn't matter much.. I'm a strong person. I guess for me it's good to always have at least one supporting friend... that, and I'm good.
Q9 - Would your parents consider you well-behaved or badly-behaved?: Oh that's too easy, badly-behaved. Hell, I hear about it every other day.
Q10 - Talk about grades and report cards.: Bullshit.
Q11 - Has your mother and father said "I love you" enough?: Nope. Now I just don't care... fuck, it's not like I'd say it back anymore anyway.
Q12 - Do you like to watch television alone or with other people?: Depends on my mood, but 90% of the time I watch alone.
Q13 - Have you ever worn uncomfortable shoes because they looked good?: Yep.
Q14 - When was a time when someone held your hand?: Uh, I think my mom held my hand all the time when I was a kid, but.. besides that... the only other time was,, I'd rather not mention, actually. Oh wait... once when I was younger... like maybe 8 or 9 or something, I went to a play at the high school with my sister. There was a bomb threat and they had to evacuate the building, and as everyone was walking out... she held my hand. It was really touching because she was very, very rarely affectionate or protective... so, yeah. Good memory.
Q15 - Describe your decorating style.: Hahah.. this could take awhile. I like strict organization... each thing to have it's place, but I don't like it to appear so. Disheveled, artistic, vintage, dark... kind of antique library meshed with halphazard art studio meshed with a sense of warmth. Very personalized. Does that make sense? Good.
Q16: If you got conflicting news reports, which source would you be most inclined to believe: radio, TV, magazines, or newspapers?: Well, TV.. unfortunately. That would probably be the least trustworthy as it's the most widely recognized.
Q17: Would you live your life differently if you knew you were going to die soon?: Probably not, cuz I already quite aware I'm going to die eventually... and I don't mind.
Q18: Do you know how to properly format a letter?: I've been informed several times, but I doubt I remember correctly.


Wednesday, December 22, 2004

he loves me

Originally uploaded by Cake of Pans.
life is so boring and idle right now... I'm kinda liking it. nothing and no one to worry about... a settled mind.

does cause a lack in blogging material, though.

Willy Wonka, Willy Wonka, the amazing chocolatier. Willy Wonka, Willy Wonka, everybody give a cheer. He's modest, clever, and so smart.... ~can't understand the rest of the song~ I cannot wait to see that movie! Johnny Depp... he's a genius. Tim Burton... he's a genius. Not only that, but I was in love with that book when I was younger... around 4th grade I think. I've seen the first movie several times.... and the new one will be brilliant! Can't wait... can't wait can't wait.
the movie for Phantom of the Opera is coming out too... I want to see that.
oh well... i have nothing to say
bye for now
"Chewing gum is really gross,
Chewing gum I hate the most."
~smiles~ ~WW


Tuesday, December 21, 2004

Don't Ask

Originally uploaded by Cake of Pans.
The End of The World

Okay, so... here's the earth, it's chilling. Then, that is a sweet earth you might say. Alright, ruling out the icecapes melting, meteors becoming crash into us, the ozone layer leaving, and the sun exploding.. we're definitely going to blow ourselves up. Okay, so basically we've got China, France, India, Israel, Pakistan, Russia, the UK, and us... with nukes. We've got about 2600 more then anybody else... whatever. Anyway, one day we decides those chinese sons of a bitches are going down. So, we launch a nuke at China. While it's on it's way China is like shit shit who the fuck is shooting us, oh well fire missiles. Then France is like shit guyz we've got zee missiles, they are coming, fire our shit. ~But I am le tired.~ Well, have a nap, then fire zee missiles!! Meanwhile Australia is down there like, WTF mate? India, Israel, and Pakistan launched their shit. So now we've got missiles flying everywhere passing each other. Russia's like, aaagh motherland! Then England's like, bout that time, eh chaps?............ Righto. So now the US is like, fuck we're dumbasses. Canada's like, what's going on, eh? Australia's still like, WTF? Mars is laughing at us, and some huge meteor is like, well fuck that. So now we've got nuclear winter, everyone's dead 'cept Australia, and they're still like, WTF?....but they'll be dead soon. Fucking kangaroos. But, assuming we don't blow ourselves up, us Californians just have to worry about California breaking off from the United States... to go hang with Hawaii. Alaska can come too. The end.

I dreamed about you last night,
About your lips and hair,
I saw that look, deep in your eye,
And felt it's piercing glare.

I saw you walking towards me,
The dark in floods of pale,
That heavy stride, black energy,
And skin rich, never stale.

You didn't really seem to care,
You didn't want to see,
You kept your head down, veiled in wear,
As you've never wont to be.

Desperate for one last, I stole
Your kiss, soft on broad lips,
Then fledas to avoid the whole,
Taste and touching hips.

I ran and rose above a crowd,
Flying with my grief,
Why did you come, my vision cloud,
And meeting seem so brief?

I woke in melancholy moods,
And wished the vision gone,
But here it lingers just to prove,
You'll seize my head at dawn.

No freedom for my battered mind,
You're always there in sights.
In hours of the day I find
You'll also haunt my nights.


Monday, December 20, 2004

Back online...yes!

Originally uploaded by Cake of Pans.

And somehow, although you never know - I have no doubt I will survive.

That's my favorite line from my last journal writing. Let's see... it's the first time I've written since thursday, .. most of it is comtemplation about the future. I can't just live in the moment... in the now. It never happens.
Anyway, this weekend was interesting. ~I'd hit that.~ haha

People should see the united states of leland,,,, it's an awesome movie.

It's good to blog again... although I can't think of anything to type. Oh yeah.. I finally finished my room. It looks good...although something needs to be changed. I can't put my finger on it, it's just something needs to be moved or something. I really want to paint my walls now, though... black and olive green stripes, horizontal of course.. I'm not sure how wide, but... that would be awesome for the walls.

I pulled a couple yearbooks off the bookshelf about an hour ago... one from third grade and one from my freshman year. I was popular back in those elementary years... yep, I even have more then one pic in that book. One is the standard class by class pic and the other is on a special picture page where all the cool kids posed for the camera. Funny thing is, I'm posing with my best friend of the time, C.... who remains one of my best friends... and neither one of us are popular anymore. Funny, right? Yeah... I'm so glad I'm not popular. Those poor kids. Anyway, I compared that pic to last year's... just so see how I've changed. Then I flipped around in last year's looking at all the people I know.. then stumbled upon K, whom I've referred to as the self-proclaimed enemy. I'm glad I never have to go back to the creative writing class with her again. I loved the class... I just didn't like her being there. I don't hate her... I never have, she just has a knack for pissing me off, which apparently I have for her as well. I circled her picture and wrote a little "grr" out to the side in red ink. I dunno, in her picture she looks so... I don't know... regular and likable. I wouldn't mind getting to know her. I've said that alot, but usually everyone's just like, ~yeah that's never gonna happen.~ I don't know what I did to make her loathe me so much... I'm probably just one of those people she doesn't like. Everyone has people like that. I've read and heard so many times that enemies are a natural part of life... they exist because you exist. I guess it's true. I just find it so funny that we've never even met or spoken a single word to each other. It's ridiculous. She's beautiful and a very talented writer, that's all I know for sure.. and it's all a matter of opinion. So it's like nothing's proved, or solid. It's all maliable and trivial. Yet she's affected me in ways I won't forget for a long time, if ever.
Anyway, I think I'm gonna hole up in my room again. Maybe I'll try to write something cool that I can post tomorrow. (That is IF the internet is still working by then)

"Oh, S.. you just gave me a very bad idea."


"This chick is a sexual being."


~sighs in ever-present hopelessness~

Saturday, December 18, 2004


Originally uploaded by Cake of Pans.
Alright, a second flickr account... and I decided to go ahead and post one of my drawings. It makes me slightly nervous to show them... so I'm starting with this simple one. It's on notebook paper (obviously)... most of my drawings are. I have nicer paper, but... I don't know, I just like something about notebook. So anyway... I did it with a calligraphy pen. I can't remember what I drew it from or what the inspiration was.... all I know is I love the smell of smoke and find something really sexy about it. This is just so sparse and direct... I love it.
Last night was great... I went out with the best friend S, and T. We met at the starbucks downtown then saw that lemony snicket movie. Good fun good fun. The movie was pretty good... (they just don't make enough movies with gothic tones) and afterwards despite the freezing cold outside we went to ben and jerrys. S bought my blue christmas lights! YAY! I was so happy... she got them because not too long ago we were driving by some garden place and they had little trees out with blue lights on them and I kept saying they were so pretty. So when I got home I finished up my room and put the lights up. I shut off all the lights and got in bed and switched them on...... it was great. (S you should come see them soon)
So anyway.. I'm having a pretty good day so far.... my dad's somewhere in Texas and my mom's working... so I woke up alone and have been ever since. That makes me so content. S got me a body language book, and I'm feeling like reading for a few hours.. .so I'm going now.............................

Be daring, be different, be impractical, be anything that will assert integrity of purpose and imaginative vision against the play-it-safers, the creatures of the commonplace, the slaves of the ordinary.
~Cecil B.


Friday, December 17, 2004

Life isn't about being entertained all the time.

fiery shoes
Originally uploaded by Thom.
I often love to sit in silence and watch whatever is around me. I get this sense of peace in that I can observe. I begin to thank whoever/whatever it was that decided I'd be a little bit different.. and be happy about that. It happened on the bus today. I felt complete for some reason... alone in the back. I watched the people coming on and studied their expressions. One girl clung to the back of her seat... staring out to unknown distance, very much lost in some thought or worry. She seemed complete too. Most of them were chattering or pounding on the windows in attempts to grab outsider's attention. Somehow I appreciated it all. Like, I was just so comfortable with myself while being disconnected yet so close to my environment. Those are my favorite moments of life.

I've used up all my pic space on flickr... i can only post other people's pics until the end of the month. ~sigh~ Not cool. Today I got bored while cleaning my room and pulled out the camera. I got one pic of me that just catches me.. as I am. Like, it's just me in a nutshell. My expression, the way I'm holding myself, my surroundings.... just the mood of the whole thing really captures me. I got a bunch of other cool ones, too. But you won't see any.... damn limits. Since I don't have a scanner and didn't feel like waiting around for someone to let me use theirs..... I just took pics of my drawings I wanted to post. So once I can upload them, you'll see my stuff. ode to joy ode to joy
Well I'm falling in love with skateboarding.. just like I thought I would. At first I was having little doubts... like maybe I wouldn't like it as much as I thought.. but today just completely proved me wrong. I had come to a break point while working on my room, and my mom was occupying the computer.. so I grabbed my board to cruise around the block. I got on... got out of the driveway and to a slight incline in the road.... and just started going so smooth. For a second I zoned out while still paying attention (didn't bother to throw on wrist gaurds or anything)... and it was just like, THIS is AwEsOmE. Like it was the best feeling... just cruising along. Felt so damn good. I had my back against the sun.. so it was warming me up a bit, and I totally had the hang of turning.. so I was swiveling around a little. I love it. I'll be dying to go to some skateparks or something soon.. maybe I can meet someone that knows a few tricks they can teach me. I dunno.. but today, I was so into it. Just wrapped up in it.

Currently, there is passion roaming through me. It's surfacing not exclusively in photography or drawing... like it often does when around, but in a broader sense. Like, yes, photography alot and a little in drawing... but in skateboarding and, perception of life.
I'm sure it will wear of within a week, it never lingers for long. I always put it to great use when it's there, though. I escaped this depression quicker then usual. It's an endless cycle though........
"In America sex is an obsession, while in most foriegn countries it is a fact."



Thursday, December 16, 2004

Happy Holidays

Happy Holidays
Originally uploaded by KAGoldberg.
Fuck that.
If my fucking internet goes out again, I'm gonna fucking break something. I fucking miss T. The fucking principal fucking kicked me out of the fucking school parking lot b/c there was a lame-ass "event" going on... and he didn't want me causing disturbances. Fucker. Like I give a fuck.
I crushed my fucking wrist again. I've got all the goddamn mother fucking swearing out of me now!!!!!!!!!!AGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

Okay. So anyway. I've had a bad couple of days. Everything is kinda out of whack..... I feel out of place and as if I'm in some uncomfortable dream. There are some thoughts and memories I just can't seem to shake out of my head at the moment.... and it's getting to me. Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Events. It comes out Friday and for some reason... I really want to see it. So I'm trying to make plans for that... and if it doesn't work out, well... I'll go to the mercantile show instead. I don't know why I'm so determined to do something.

Haha.. funny, T was at FHS today. I was with J and B at lunch and they both said they had seen him around. I didn't get there until like... 8am though, so. Sucks for me. I always lose, right?
Nothing's going right for me right now. Once again, if my internet goes out before I get to talk online tonight..... I will be so pissed.
These posts are getting more and more empty, aren't they? I've decided to keep a journal specifically for my experiences in Taos... and write it all out in an interesting way so it's entertaining to read. When I get back I'll post it. I'll be able to post while I'm out there, though..... got the auntie's laptop to use, but if I get around to blogging... I'll just have to leave some stuff out. I dunno.,,. whatever... it doesn't matter. SNAP OUT OF IT WOMAN!
I'm not quite depressed yet... but I feel it coming, oh so familiar. My little friend..



Wednesday, December 15, 2004


Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
Well, yesterday my internet went out... so I didn't get to blog. I typed it up, though... so I'll go ahead and put it in, then do one for today.
Well, I just got back from my second skateboarding attempt. I've learned two things: One, how to turn... I just need to get a good feel for it so it comes more naturally. Two, that gravel is an enemy!! Hit a stray piece the wrong way and you are off the board, on the ground. In fact that's how I hurt my wrist. I landed on it pretty hard, and it's been kind of... throbbing, ever since. Eh, but I'm not worried.
I got this Acid Music Studio as a gift from my aunt today. It's this computer software that allows you to piece together songs and record stuff... the works. I haven't played around with it much... I made myself leave to skateboard, but I think it might occupy me for a while. It's pretty cool.
I had my biology exam today. The first half was easy.. but once it got more complicated I just started choosing random answers. ~Hey, I'm failing anyway, what's the point?~ Tomorrow I have creative writing and french.... neither of which I'm failing, so I'll probably put some effort into those.

I finished that book, She Drove Without Stopping. I don't recommend reading it.... 'twas a waste of time. I have two other books, though.... Paradise Park and Memoirs of a Geisha. I started Paradise Park a few nights ago, but it seems a little too much like She Drove... so it may turn out just as disappointing. Memoirs of a Geisha is sure to be different, though. I may take that one to Taos. (I'll have to remind myself to renew it at the library.... S can you do that for me? They're due back the day after I leave.) So besides that.... I also have to have my room done by the end of the week. Hmmm... I'm trying lighten up my slacking... it's caused too much crap now.
Okay, leaving now..
"Aye, but isn't the man who chooses the bad in some way better then the man who has the good forced upon him?"

bonsoir ~aa
Okay, so that's what you didn't get to see yesterday. So, for today.... well, my wrist still hurts. It's turned from a throbbing pain... now it just kills me whenever I try to lift something, or move it the wrong way. What's wierd, though.. is that it hurts so bad, and yet there is no external injury. There's no bruises or scrapes or anything. I haven't been out skating yet today... I'm dreading it b/c of the cold, though. Bad time to get a skateboard... but it's not like I'm gonna wait around for the weather to warm up before I start getting in some experience. Gotta start asap.. you know? I read somewhere that cold weather makes it so much easier to break a bone, though. oh well
So right now I'm listening to some tracks I put together with that music studio thing. They're just kind of random stuff put together... nothing anywhere near serious. Most of it is kinda techno-ish. haha.. it's cool.
Okay, so I have to work on my room today. I'm going out to skate a bit, then I'm coming back and getting to work!!
I won't allow myself to watch tv all day.
So I sit here with a choice in mind, I can either waste my night away on the internet or sit down with my bible and seek peace of mind.

Right then. Internet it is...

~thanks S haha

Monday, December 13, 2004


Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
Well... i felt so sick all day that I just expected to either crash on the couch and pass out, or if I was feeling better once I ate something (since I haven't had a full meal since Saturday) I would organize my room. Quite the contrary, however, I was walking to the door when I saw a long box leaning against the house. The skateboard. Yay. So, I was still sick, and it was freakishly freezing outside, so I figured I'd just look at it for awhile. (It's pretty) I downed a brownie, and started feeling better, though.... so I decided to throw on a beanie and skate around a bit. I have my very first skateboarding injury!!! Yay! I'm so proud. We're not talking drawn blood here... but, i just scraped some skin off my knee. I like, want a picture of it to commemorate this accomplishment, but I can't find the camera. So... by now I can stay on the board (sort of), and turn (roughly). I really need to master that turning thing, though. I figure it might be important. It's just so cold... I'd probably still be outside if I didn't think my hands and face were going to freeze off. Let's see.. what else hurts. My thumbs... I kinda scuffed them or something on the pavement, as wierd as that sounds. I'm sure every muscle will be sore before long, I haven't moved around like that in a long time.
So besides that... i'll probably go ahead and crash on the couch, let myself calm down and warm up. Then I'll work on my room. I want to have it perfected by the end of the week.
Exams all this week.... and my first period is study hall. That means tomorrow I get to sit there for half the day with no direction. Yay! I'll get to finish my current book, and write quite a bit.
Saturday night I was running into the movie theater (my tolerance for cold weather has apparently worn thin) with the best friend S behind me yelling, "she's on crack!" to all the staring preps, when I got stopped by a few goth kids. They gave me a flier for their band, (at least I assume it's their band) and they're playing Friday night at the Mercantile. I think I'm going. The place isn't exactly the best for live music... if it's too loud you can't hear a thing. First time I went it got annoying, second time my friend and I left and walked around town all night. So my plan is to maybe go alone, or meet up with someone down there (anyone wanna go?), and if the band sucks or is way too loud I'll just hang around at Starbucks for a few hours or whatever. haha... i never make plans.

mmmkk... well I'm going now. bye all


Sunday, December 12, 2004

the end

different eyelashes
Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
this is it. i'm hiding away what's valuable to me. i'm packing what i need. if/when the time comes I will run. i know where i'll go. i'm shutting myself up, and away. i know the best way out. i will think and plan ahead. i will not say a word. i do not trust.



my color
Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
Okay so it's 8 AM and I'm still up... haven't been to bed. I was laying on the couch about an hour ago watching cheesy infomercials when I got a sudden uncontrollable urge to play sims. Unfortunately my dad had gotten up.. I heard him clicking away on the computer. So to entertain myself I laid on the kitchen counter, making high-pitched squeeky noises with my mouth.. watching the cat's reaction. It bothered her ears... and she wasn't sure where the sounds were coming from, so she was all freaking out...batting at my face and stuff. She'd stick her paw in my hair and around my neck... she even stood on my head at one point. Yeah, that was.......... uh, the adjective escapes me. Anyway, now I'm here. So as soon as I finish this I'm going to start up that wonderful sims game. I've been killing off families lately.... I had 6 active families going strong... now I'm down to three. They're all related somehow too... I'm still on the descendents of S. Anyway, only one of the family demise situations took place purposely. The others I wasn't really expecting. The Goth family I killed... the mom starved to death, the dad burned to death, and the teenage daughter I imprisoned without any resources until she died. The oldest member of the family lived alone and died of old age, and one of his kids Zachary died unexpectedly from starvation. He died happy, though. (he was the one with all the girlfriends) he was "woohoo-ing" in bed with some girl... and suddenly just got up and keeled over. haha. Anyway, I don't know if I'll sleep anytime soon. Probably not, somehow I'm not tired. Last night I went out with S and spent two hours in hot topic talking to people... then ate at genghis grill (in love with that place).. then saw Ocean's Twelve, which was cool, then bought ice cream and hung out at the best guy friend B's apartment for an hour or so. So it was fun.... a best night in a while.

k bye

Friday, December 10, 2004

"is there really a difference between sex in a bed and breakfast and sex in your own...." "Yeah. Oh yeah."

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.


It's cold. The air seems empty and lifeless in this painfully regular creative writing classroom. I press my arms together, grinding them against my ribs in frail attempts to accomidate warmth. I lean towards the frigid desk before me. It's surface is coated with woodgrain patterned plastic.
It's quiet. Only the hum of a heater, apparently unaffective, grazes the few sets of ears present. It's a welcoming alternative to the common noise of teenage masses. Three or four other silent silhouettes populate the room. They sulk into themselves, supported by matching desks, limbs folded, staring down and away. I imagine they're watching exclusive movies, perhaps hearing voices of personal pasts. All is invisible within their own brain processes.

Suddenly I recognize a certain voice. It's Richard, a respectable peer in my eyes. He's giving helpful instruction to a fellow student about applying for a job. I smile at his mature attractiveness and nature. He's wearing flattering jeans and a dark shirt. From the side, I watch as he narrates his words with regulated hand gestures, communicating calmly and skillfully. My satisfied expression fades a bit, though, as he turns and I notice the words insribed on the chest of his t-shirt, "Future Millionaire." It isn't funny if it's true.


Thursday, December 09, 2004


desk... like paint
Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
2nd pic... this pic is of the corner of a desk in my homeroom.
Anyway, I didn't post yesterday cuz the best friend S showed up and we ended up on the couch going through that ~4,000 questions~ book until pretty late at night. It really can spark very interesting in-depth conversation if you just stick with it for a little bit. Also, I've known her since I was 6 or something... and when you know someone that long you get to know them really well. Last night proved to me, though... that no matter how long and how well you know someone... you can always learn more.

Well today I woke up, got out of bed, and put on a pair of jeans with a white button-down shirt. I took a moment, staring at the mirror, and just couldn't do it. I couldn't bring myself to look so normal. It just wasn't right. It was too light. It nearly ruined my day. I added a black tee underneath the white, a safety-pinned tie, a few arm cuffs.... and my best bondage belt. Another look and, ~ahh~ a sigh of relief. More black.

I'm reading a great book right now... She Drove Without Stopping. I think it mainly intrigued me because of the title... it sounds like something I may very well do someday, just drive off. I probably wouldn't tell anyone or make any plans. Seriously, one day I'll probably just get up, grab some clothes and cash, walk out the door and drive off... disappear. Who knows for how long. But anyway, the point of my mentioning the book is that the main character, Jane... well, I kind of relate to her. Like, her young childhood reminds me alot of my own. That, and I can picture myself turning into something like her when I'm older. She does sleep with random guys though, which I wouldn't do, but... Some of the things she says, or thinks, I just.. get, you know?
Anyway... here are some quotes from the book.

~Why, why does Jane detest this woman so much? Jane realizes that far from calming her, it's precisely that glow in one who presumes to nurse her that provokes her to savagery. For not only does Jane have no madonna genes in her own repertory, but she has to wrestle down the impulse to attack this strain in other women whenever she sees it. Especially when it's pursuing her for her own good.~

~Jane does not reply.
"Don't you need to discuss this with someone, Jane? Don't you want to talk it over?"
Jane still says nothing.
"No!" Officer Rollo explodes. "She doesn't want to talk it over. She wants to leave country law enforcement to scratch itself, while she goes cruising around the countryside in Wirz's old Buick, whistling 'Jingle Bells' with her arm hanging out the window."
Jane blinks, for that is exactly what she wants to do - well, not exactly. "Tosca," she corrects, "Not 'Jingle Bells.'"~

~A moment later the phone starts up again. Jane strolls into the kitchen, lazily picks up the receiver. "Good evening, James," she says in an oily tone, affecting to be more drunk then nature requires.
"Who is this?" says Philip Turner.
Now Jane feels, probably is, drunk in earnest. Things begin to burn at the edges, to bulge, soften, at the center. "Who wants to know?" she says.
"Where are you?" Philip Turner barks, as if she has called him.
"Where are you?" she asks, sipping thoughtlessly from the glass in her hand. "I am in Baltimore, Maryland, at the erstwhile family manse on Pinkney Road."
"What are you doing there?" At least Jane thinks he asks her that.
"That question!" she erupts. "Are you two in cahoots?"
"Let me speak to your mother."
"I can't."
"I can't."
"Get me your mother!"
"I can't."
"What do you mean you can't!"
"Can not. Auxiliary of ability, negative form."~

~... when you pass through your mother's front door you automatically become half the woman you were; whatever bag of powers you're hauling deflates by half like a leaky balloon the minute you enter that atmospheric depression euphemistically called home.~


Tuesday, December 07, 2004


Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
Well, I took my digital camera to school today for the first time... and basically, went insane. At the end of first period (shortened b/c of 2-hour rain delay) I already had 20 pictures. Once I was home... 120. Unfortunately the batteries wore out by lunch.. so I didn't have it for english or art, the bus... and there was much I wanted photos of throughout that time. Tomorrow I'm taking extra batteries. Anyway, I'll be posting all the best pictures for the next few days. This one today... is my favorite of all.

I randomly got inspired last night, and started writing. It turned into this sort of memoir type thing. I was up until 3 AM typing non-stop. I only went to bed because I quite literally went numb from exhaustion. I'll probably work on it more.. maybe now, maybe later. Not sure. I haven't done anything but import and work on photos since I've been home.
Anyway, some of the pics I want to use for something more... perhaps paintings. It was great to look through the snapshots and suddenly pause, to think....~that... that image would make a beautiful painting. In fact, I now have to pull those ones out from the rest... the future paintings.
Okay... bye.

Monday, December 06, 2004


Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
Dear Santa,
I have been a very bad girl. Yes, it's true, but give me a break. You've fucked me over enough in past years. I deserved this time off from the whole "good" scene. Now if I were you I'd meet my demands, or you are so going down. I find no shame in delivering severed heads to every hopeful boy and girl.
I'd like my own apartment. A job, a car, and a life. A few friends might be nice. I'd like to pass my classes while I take the rest of the year off. That, and free choice of every college on earth without concern for expense or "eligibility." I'd enjoy instantly learning every language, and getting a plane ticket to Paris. Don't even screw me over with economy, I'd like to fly first class at least once in my entire life. I wouldn't mind a top-of-the-line camera that will capture images of beauty as I envision them to be caught. Give me free canvases, fine charcoal pencils, buckets of paint, and every kind of exquisite brush - in never-ending supply. Since you have the time, provide a $100,000 shopping spree for every vintage, designer, thrift, and gothic clothing store in existence. Oh, and throw in a blue tree.
Since I'm not entirely selfish, I'd appreciate it if you sent the following gifts with my regards. Give (best friend S's name here) a house, a husband, and an extensive antique library. Give (bro in law's name here) a yacht and freedom from financial worries. Give my father retirement, and a home on the lake in Linden, Texas. Give my mother steady income without work, and allow her to wake up early each morning to a good house with a sewing room full of expensive fabrics and fine yarn. (It would get those two parental units away from me. Please lighten emotional attachments, I do no wish to maintain ties.) Give everyone, I mean everyone, love in some genuine form. Now, I think you should give them all a heavy dose of reality, but that just might wipe things out. Spare them.
Look, I figure you're a decent guy. You've got a good cause, I guess. You just can't keep up a charade, though. Kids do suffer when they wake to products of your lies. Deliver or die. Should I blow you up to smithereens? Poke you with a stick? See what makes you tick? The truth is, what I named are the things that will make my life, in my eyes, successful, fulfilled, enjoyed for the most part, and appreciated. I may not deserve deep respect or admiration, I know I've done some pretty shady shit. In the end, though, I'm just a human being. I think that's enough credit to deserve fulfilled dreams.


There's no reality left, we've filmed it all.

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
Little angel go away
Come again some other day
Devil has my ear today
I'll never hear a word you say

Yay... checked my dad's email earlier and he has an ebay purchase confirmation. Pretty pretty skateboard. It's not my first choice, which had the little red character putting the little blue character through a meat grinder, but it's equal quality.. so I'm just glad I'm getting one. Anyway, so the "red character/ blue character" makes sense... here's the site... check it to see my board! (blue being squashed) heh heh heh

He didn't tell me he bought it... maybe it's supposed to be a surprise. Oh well... I ruin everything, don't I?

K, so anyway. Uhhhhh..... there has to be something interesting to say. Oh! I got the coolest book at the library today!!! "4,000 Questions for Getting to Know Anyone and Everyone" I just stumbled upon it in the non-fiction... I was looking for body language books. The best friend S talks about that all the time, and I'm interested although I've never inquired. So.. hey S if you have any good books on that that I can borrow, let me know. Anyway.. yeah, so I had to get the question book. So since my mind is blank, no blogging ideas, I'll use the book. Wanna get to know me? heh heh heh. yeah....
In one word describe yourself as a child. : desperate

What is one thing you would change about your parents? : their outlook on life

What actor or actress deserves to play you in an A&E Biography? : A&E Biography? Have I seen one of those? Uh... well first actress that comes to mind is Winona Ryder. Dunno why.

Do you fold your undergarments or just throw them in a drawer after washing them? : Fold. fold fold fold.... I'm kinda OCD over laundry.

What is the most romantic weather? : Rainy, by far. Steady downfall for something innocent.... thunderstorms for something passionate. Just think... lightening and thunder.. You know what's wierd? I've never actually thought about that before. I've never considered weather romantically effective.. but now I clearly realize it. Hmmm, wow, that will change my connection to rain from now on.

Are you a predictable or unpredictable person? : Unpredictable. My mood often changes unexpectedly, so... you never know how I'll act, react, and interact. Even the best friend S, who's known me since I was 6, can't always guess what I'll do/say next. I do have self-control, however, so... if needed... or demanded by myself, I can suppress it.

How do you feel about guns? : I've never actually thought about that. I don't think I really care. In fact the only recent association I've had with them, was when I threatened my mother one time. She was really pissing me off and I said, "AAGH! One of these days..... one of these days I'm gonna snap and freakin' shoot you! I know where the guns are in this house." She replied, after a few second of silence, "They're bb guns." To which I said, "Not all of them." Haha, she left after that. They really aren't all bb guns. My parents can't hide stuff... I discovered that back in the day when it was necessary to keep the christmas presents away from us children. Never worked... upper shelf of the closet, every freaking time. Losers.

How hard do you think you work? : In school, I don't work. Absolutely 0 productivity. I know for a fact, however, that if I have motivation; like it matters, someone is counting on me to do well, and there is promise of a paycheck, I will put alot of effort into it.

Between Thanksgiving and Christmas does your holiday spirit peak? : It used to, when Christmas was celebrated in my family. That really faded, though. I dunno... every once and awhile I'll think of how the pretty christmas tree used to enchant me... with the mesmorizing blue (my favorite of all), red, silver, and green tinsel. The colors were just so vibrant. I loved the deep red glass ornaments... they seemed so delicate. The string lights were warm. The smell... of this little setup of Jesus' birth we had, with the little barn-like thing, and all the little rough stringy things stuck to it that were supposed to look like hay. It smelled rustic. The tree smelled fake... it was christmas. It was nothing and it meant so much to me. I was 7 last time. But it was all so pretty. Now, sometimes I'll drive by a a house all decorated, that someone actually put effort into... and I'll really like seeing it. That's rare, though. I think it's pretty much gone. No vibrant blue tinsel for me.


Saturday, December 04, 2004

"Look, you're really cute, but I don't know what you're saying!!"

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
Isn't this pic cool... I took it. It's the best friend S, laying down... and that's my hair falling all around the camera, since I'm looking down at her. Nifty.
Anyway, today was kinda shifty. The best friend S and I slept too long and ended up tired from too much sleep. I got to see T, which was cool since I haven't seen him in so freaking long. But anyway, S got really sick so I had to kinda motivate her to leave the house. We checked out the skatepark in Nashville... which was interesting. I just hung around and watched some of the better skaters. It was both encouraging and discouraging. Like, it was cool because some of the stuff they were doing was stuff I'd like to do eventually. But, at the same time, I was eyeing the edge of this.. I think it's called a bowl.. thinking, ~wow, that's really steep.~
So ANYWAY. I'm staying the night at S's again tonight. We'll be sick of each other by tomorrow, I'm sure. We were just lucky to have coinciding moods all day today.
Soooo.... there isn't anything else to say, is there? No... not really.
Oh, S and I found another new game. I give her a random topic, like "clocks", "building", or "anxiety" and she says, "When I think of clocks I think of ____, when I think of ____ I think of....." On and on until she loses her train of thought or, say she doesn't want to say the next thing. Then she gives me a topic... sometimes whatever she ended with. It's so fun. Here's one.. example, topic is : fish When I think of Fish I think of Water when I think of Water I think of Glasses when I think of Glasses I think of Lips when I think of Lips I think of Kissing when I think of Kissing I think of.... Okay, I'm done. From fish to kissing. It can get pretty interesting. Doesn't always have to be single words.. can be ideas or memories or whatever. Fun. You can learn alot about a person, too.
Okay I'm leaving now.

I believe this quickens my breath

jrm chest
Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
I'm at the best friend S's house.. on her laptop. I decided to browse her pic files to blog. The dominating topic was "hot guys", so...

Anyway. Oh, it was hilarious.
She and I went to Genghis Grill earlier. Just for a little history.. I'll explain that she's been decorating her room for some time now, and we somehow planned for me to do a painting for her blank wall. I came up with an interesting idea for the layout of it.. and decided I would need a hot guy to model for it. Not just any hot guy, mind you... he'd have to have a certain air about him, and a certain look to really make the painting work. So, considering that we had no hot guys like that to ask, it was decided to search for a model. Anyway, that was a long time ago.. like months and months. We found no suitable guy. It was actually kind of forgotten over time. Then, at Genghis Grill, we were eating and I saw a guy standing in line. "Oh wow.. look at the guy in the center of the line in the jean jacket. He has incredible hair, and when he turns you will be momentarily sent to heaven." Heh, I always have strange ways to describe men. After awhile, I realized... and said, "That's the guy I want to paint." S turned to me... like not sure if I was serious or not. "Really," she said. "Yeah." She was instantly ready to go talk to him. I was only slightly hesitant.. sort of like, ~wow we're actually going to go through with this.~ After a second, she had stood and was ready to go, she looked at me for reassurance. "Do it," I said. And she was gone. It was really funny... I watched them across the room and after a few seconds they both looked at me simultaneously. This is how she related the conversation once she returned.
S- "Excuse me, can I ask you a strange... thing?"
Prettyness- "Yeah, okay."
S- "You see my friend over there with the black shirt and the black hair?"
Prettyness- "Yeah."
S- "Well she's a painter, and she's been looking for a model for one she's going to do for me. Would you model for us? It would just be your face."
Prettyness- "Uh, yeah.. okay. Sure."
S- "Cool."
Prettyness- "Oh but, when?"
S- "I guess whatever's convenient for you."
Prettyness- "Oh, well actually I'm from Canada and I'm just here to cut a CD. I really don't know what my schedule's like. So, I probably can't."
S- ~fist hits bar~ "Damnit!"
Prettyness- "Yeah, sorry."
S- "Okay, well just take it as a compliment then."
Prettyness- ~smiles~ "Okay."

Yeah, so that didn't happen. We were just laughing about it for a long time. I'm thinking it would be simple. I would really only have to meet up with the guy, with a single prop, and take a photo to work from. So much time searching, for something so quick as a few pictures. Ah, but that's not all. Expensive canvas, paint. Then who knows the amount of time needed to get the finished project. The painting is so clear in my mind, though. It's slightly strange.... I'm the only one who sees it. I sketched it out for S, but she can't see the vision I do. Heh heh.. that's cool.
Anyway... some of you don't want to hear me rambling about hot guys. Sorry. I just had to share the tale with someone. Just remember, honestly... all of that is in the name of art.
I try not to care about what anyone thinks of what I write, like I vowed in my very first blog entry ever. There's one person that makes me care, though. You know who you are.
I suppose since I've already touched a subject not particularly liked, I'll mention another. Johnny Depp. I saw Finding Neverland. It was really good. Not good enough to make me cry, as it did S, but pretty damn good. Johnny was as beautiful as ever, of course. Not a wasted $8.
Oh yeah.. I didn't go to school today. It worked.
I'm leaving now.
(quote comes from a game s and I were playing before the movie was seating. We chose two people in the lobby who were talking and came up with their conversation- based on their expressions and movements and such)
A- "Yeah, I heard that movie wasn't all that great. You know, like, see it to pass the time or whatever, but..
S- "Mmhmm. Well, I'm taking my ticket back now, cuz.. I don't like you very much."

funny funny in the moment


Thursday, December 02, 2004

Take a ride on Santa's safari train.

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
My day was dedicated to researching my skateboarding aspirations. Skate shops, skate parks, experienced skater friend, skate websites, and another look at a sweet skate dvd. I should have a good deal on a good board by the end of the month at most. Yay. Something to do... something I'm into... it's long overdue.
My weekend's sorta packed, which is wierd. That never happens. Best friend S wants to see Finding Neverland tomorrow. Then we'll be together all day Saturday because the 'rents are going off somewhere. We have a thing in the morning... and since we'll be in Nashville we're gonna go check out a big skate park over there. Then Sunday we're going ice skating. I'm not sure why... but we are. We haven't been able to find that rink before, so I think we're determined to pinpoint and conquer.
But anyway,,, school will really suck tomorrow. It's just so pointless. I almost got out of going today for some reason. I was running really late as usual, and my mom just said, "Do you even have to go to school today?" I stopped... "No. No, I really don't." She let out a strange sigh... somehow I knew I wouldn't be quite so lucky. Tomorrow I'll just open the bedroom door, look her in the eye, and say... "If you have any sympathy, you will let me stay home." It'll work, I bet.
My parents are paying for the skateboard I get. I can't get a job so it's kinda useless to encourage me to save up myself. I've already tried... but we won't get into that. (My own mother contributed to the destruction of my precious savings.) But I think they kind of sense that skateboarding won't just fade from me. I really want to get into it, I want to take it far. It won't be a waste of money. That, and it's something that might make me a bit happier, just because it will be something to do. If you sit around, idle, without release beside writing, it just fuels depression. So skating will be somewhat of a physical release... just something to DO! you know?
ANyway, I'll get a-going now.



Wednesday, December 01, 2004


Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
My head is pounding.
1. Boys Don't Cry; The Cure
My sis and bro in law just came over. I don't know why they're here, but it's always good to see them.
2. One More Suicide, Marcy Playground
So the plan is to leave for Taos on December 26th. Yay. I'm counting off the days. You know what will make this year's trip even better then last year's? Last year I wasn't so much into photography.... so I have no pics from it. This year I'll have rolls and rolls of film, and will probably return with photos of everything. I'm excited. It's been a long time since I've actually been excited about something.
3. Danger- Keep Away; Slipknot
I really, really need to do laundry. I mean, I don't know how many more times I can pick clothes up off the floor in the mornings. I don't even really know what is and isn't dirty.. some stuff I'll throw on the chair to put in my closet and forget about it, then they'll end up being pushed off into the mess on the floor. Not fun.
4. Never Enough; The Cure
Oh, this headache needs to go away.
5. Metaphor; In Flames
My family is congregated behind me in the living room... talking about what types of soap they use in the shower. Wow. They have no lives. Well, neither do I.... who am I to judge. Personally if I were my sister.. a pretty 21 year old woman, with a good job and good husband and a new car, I wouldn't be here right now. I'd be somewhere much more interesting. That's something I've never really understood about her. For the longest time when she was a teenager, she had her license and a car, and so many times she'd have nothing to do... and she'd just hang around the house watching tv. I was just like, ~What are you doing? If I were you I'd be out experiencing and enjoying life, not wasting it here.~ She and I are so different.
6. Stuck in a Groove; Puretone
I'd love to go out to Taos on my own. My sister's saying she wants to go out there sometime. She wants to ski. Personally, knowing her... I don't think she'd do well. If a first day of skiing can make ME break down into tears of frustration... I can't imagine what it might do to her. She's much more dramatic, emotional, and expressive. I just get the feeling she'd try it once then not want to go out again. Eh, but you never know.
7. Cheers Darlin'; Damien Rice
8. Aenima; Tool
9. Mother, Mother; Tracy Bonham
10. Amie; Damien Rice

Okay, I'm out....