Monday, January 31, 2005


Originally uploaded by Cake of Pans.
Today has been okay. I didn't get myself to bed until... maybe, 9 or 10 am or something. I was working on this self portrait drawing thing, and it ended up taking forever to finish.. and I wouldn't sleep until it was done. So, I had to work at 6, and I try to get up about two hours before so I have plenty of time. 4 pm alarm clock, and it took me half an hour to drag myself out of bed. I was almost late to work, but got there right on time. It ended up being interesting... I was with two other hostesses, K and M. They're both preppy girls I used to go to FHS with. That made me slightly uneasy. It was M's first day, though, so she was kind of overwhelmed. I don't know if they recognized me or not, but they ended up being really nice. We had good conversation. (I'm getting better at the whole..'conversation', 'communication' thing now that I've been working with people. Much better.)It wasn't too busy, nobody messed up.. and I find preps are much more tolerable in the workplace. They don't freak out or scream or talk about everything as loud as humanly possible... no, they're much more passive. The only time I got slightly irritated was when the three of us were doing silverware and that song... "she's still preoccupied, with nineteen, nineteen, nineteen eighty-five," was playing, (that song gets old for me real fast), and they both started singing along. I was just thinking, "oh god... please shut up." They were both like, "OMG I love this song!!!" I just smiled and kept my mouth shut. They do have really great music in there sometimes, though... like once I heard Cake playing. I was all happy inside.
Anyway, tonight I'm cleaning my room. Male B finally brought me back my whip.. so I'll have to find a place for it. I have to be up early tomorrow... 'round about 12 or so. I've got plans with the best friend S. So, that means I should be in bed by.. roughly 4 am. That's alot earlier then usual, but I'm tired already so I can probably pull it off.
Anyway, I'll close with poetry.
First, by William Butler Yeats... i like this alot:
The Song of Wandering Aengus

I went out to the hazel wood,
Because a fire was in my head,
And cut and peeled a hazel wand,
And hooked a berry to a thread;
And when white moths were flickering out,
I dropped the berry in a stream
And caught a little silver trout.

When I had laid it on the floor
I went to blow the fire aflame,
But something rustled on the floor,
And some one called me by my name:
It had become a glimmering girl
With apple blossom in her hair
Who called me by my name and ran
And faded through the brightening air.

Though I am old with wandering
Through hollow lands and hilly lands,
I will find out where she has gone,
And kiss her lips and take her hands;
And walk among long dappled grass,
And pluck till time and times are done
The silver apples of the moon,
The golden apples of the sun.

Says: "This poem was written on 31 January (1893?). Yeats' note reads, in part: 'An old man who was cutting a quickset hedge near Gort, in Galway, said, only the other day, "One time I was cutting timber over in Inchy, and about eight o'clock one morning, when I got there, I saw a girl picking nuts, with her hair hanging down over her shoulders; brown hair; and she had a good clean face, and she was tall, and nothing on her head, and her dress no way gaudy, but simple. And when she felt me coming up, she gathered herself up, and was gone, as if the earth had swallowed her up. And I followed her, and looked for her, but I never could see her again from that day to this, never again.""
Now on by me I wrote last night/this morning... whatever you want to call it.

If I thought that you weren't true,
Suspected you'd connived,
If there was any hint or clue,
I wouldn't waste my time.

There's something sacred in your speech.
You're lovely, sweet, and strong.
I see the way you care and reach.
You wouldn't lead me wrong.

So when I hear "he'll break your heart,"
I don't trust prophecies.
If we were to fall apart,
You'd suffer just like me.

not extra well done, but... hell I don't care. k, bye ~AA

what to say

Originally uploaded by Cake of Pans.
I'm not sure.
I just watched two episodes of Project Runway, and one of Queer Eye. Now here I am,,, somewhat blank.

T came over earlier. We just talked and hung out a bit... so that was great. Besides that I've done nothing today, because I wasn't up until 6pm. The best friend S called me to talk about the phantom of the opera movie, and how we have to see it this week. That'll be cool. She saw it with her stepmom in Jackson, and said everyone in it is gorgeous and they can all sing. Alright. Sounds good to me. I've heard it's really good, and I've heard it's really cheesy. Just one of those movies, I guess. . draws a fine line, maybe. I can't know until I see it though, so. Male B called me too, said he's coming to see me at work on Thursday. So that's cool.

I think I might just spend the night watching TV or something. Then tomorrow night I'll clean my room. Then the night after that I'll work on that wall collage. Then... umm, I dunno. I probably won't even stick to that plan. I guess I just do what inspires me in the moment. So for some reason... I guess because I'm so tired... laying on the couch and watching pointless crap on tv sounds good.
Let's get poetic, though.. shall we?
Richard Cory

Whenever Richard Cory went down town,
We people on the pavement looked at him:
He was a gentleman from sole to crown,
Clean favored, and imperially slim.

And he was always quietly arrayed,
And he was always human when he talked;
But still he fluttered pulses when he said,
"Good morning," and he glittered when he walked.

And he was rich - yes, richer than a king -
And admirably schooled in every grace:
In fine, we thought that he was everything
To make us wish that we were in his place.

So on we worked, and waited for the light,
And went without the meat, and cursed the bread;
And Richard Cory, one calm summer night,
Went home and put a bullet through his head.

~Edwin Arlington Robinson

'fluttered pulses'... I like that. Edwin's a cool name, too.
"Robinson's parents so wanted a girl that the poet went without a name for six months after his birth until people outside the family had the idea to put male names on pieces of paper and draw them from a hat. The man who wrote 'Edwin' happened to live in Arlington, Massachusetts."


Sunday, January 30, 2005


Originally uploaded by Cake of Pans.
Well, male B just left and I finally have time to blog! I don't really have anything to say, though.
Work was okay, I got off early, though... so only two hours. So that, and I haven't done much else today. It's been okay.. I'm content.
Yesterday I talked to the best friend S online and she gave me the task of coming up with 100 pointless facts about myself. So I did. Since there's nothing else to say, here:
1. I find peace, and freedom, in writing.
2. I don't have a religion.
3. I like the song White Houses, by Vanessa Carlton.
4. I go to Genghis Grill often.
5. I think hands are beautiful.
6. I wear black nail polish.
7. I have a love/hate relationship with my cat.
8. I want a Dalmation when I move out.
9. I want to always have a cat.
10. I change my blog's music every Wednesday and Sunday.
11. I love someone.
12. I don't take pills for pain.
13. I want to live in Taos, New Mexico for awhile.
14. I can ski.
15. I'm a fan of brutal honesty.
16. I adore goth boys.
17. I like chocolate milkshakes.
18. I don't want children.
19. I avoid the sun.
20. I wear heavy eye makeup.
21. I hate body hair.
22. I didn't love my first kiss.
23. My favorite piece of jewlery is a collar that I made from a belt, chain, d-rings, and thread.
24. I'm a virgin.
25. I have 26 people on my buddy list.
26. I watch foriegn films.
27. I spend more time online than I do watching TV.
28. I'd rather have new clothes then new cd's.
29. I use my yearbook to name sims.
30. I suspect I'm manic depressive.
31. I'd enjoy sitting in a coffee shop more then I would going to the mall.
32. I have bad relationships with my parents.
33. One of my favorite jackets, I found in my attic.
34. I collect alcohol bottles and cigarette boxes.
35. I say that if you wear Chuck Taylor's, you are officially cool.
36. I can draw.
37. I collaged my desk.
38. I like giving gifts.
39. My bad habits include picking off nail polish and biting my lips.
40. I love my hair.
41. I admire the anime drawing style.
42. I see art everywhere.
43. I eat chicken.
44. My favorite candy is Pez.
45. I get irritated when people chew on pens, even though I do it all the time.
46. I once accidentally sucked the ink out of a gold gel pen.
47. I'm intrigued by the medieval/rennaissance and victorian eras.
48. Garden State and Edward Scissorhands are two of my favorite movies.
49. I like Jack in the Box, alot.
50. I don't drink enough water.
51. I read often.
52. I like spending time in libraries.
53. I work at Bricks.
54. I despise feet.
55. I wear striped stockings.
56. I shop at Hot Topic for convenience.
57. I smell random things, like hair.. clothes.. paper.. cell phones.. cats..
58. The Sims is my favorite computer game.
59. I listen to Portishead.
60. I wish that I could see more live bands.
61. I love vintage and thrift shops.
62. I believe in gay marraige.
63. I buy black lipstick.
64. I don't plan on going to college.
65. I can handle embarassment.
66. My cat falls asleep with her head in her food bowl.
67. I tend to test limits.
68. I like pasta.
69. I dislike people who view sex as taboo.
70. I can cook.
71. I play Uno.
72. I'm not as boy crazy as I was while in school.
73. I have a fetish for black, messy styled hair on guys.
74. I think Jesse Camp is hot.
75. I'm obsessed with and enchanted by rain.
76. I don't understand rugs.
77. I could describe my room as chaotically artistic and dark.
78. Artistic talent and depression both run in my family.
79. I associate vegetarianism with moral issues, not health.
80. I've considered going vegan.
81. I have a bad body image, despite being naturally thin.
82. I'm nocturnal.
83. The renaissance festival excites me.
84. Ever since Pirates of the Caribbean, I find pirates sexy.
85. I have a romantic side, but don't often show it.
86. I can be very selfish.
87. I think some kids are cute, from a distance.
88. I think the majority of 'preps' are mindless, hollow robots.
89. I don't consider what most people think of me.
90. I read and write poetry.
91. I often describe men as 'pretty' or 'beautiful.'
92. My eyes are very slightly uneven.
93. I like close-up and portrait type photographs better then wide-angle or landscape types.
94. I find black and white more attractive then color.
95. I've watched a neighbor's house burn down.
96. I'm pale.
97. I've been told I'm liked better with red hair.
98. I write influential letters to my parents in times of extreme distress.
99. I have interesting conversations.
100. I like saying 'foon' instead of 'spork.'

... I also like confusing people.

that's all homies, peace out

Friday, January 28, 2005


Originally uploaded by Cake of Pans.
I wasn't too happy today... I was forced into dinner at some stony river something place with my parents and sister and bro-in-law. I wouldn't have minded if it hadn't messed up other plans.
I was somewhat on the down side anyway, but that ignited a more... full depression. It's always those small things that really set me off, like a chain reaction. Like everything is off center constantly anyway, but it's in a way that I can mentally contain. Then something small happens that upsets me, which links to some other worry, which links to some other big unanswered question, which creates this massive web of thick depression... one I just can't seem to shake for a good while.
Then again, sometimes it just comes up without apparent explanation.
Like I said, mentally fucked.
My dad recently informed me that I won't be driving anywhere with the best friend S until I move out. Right. I say I will, he just won't know about it. But, Okay... so how soon are we talking about getting rid of me? Hell, honestly I think it's the sooner the better for both sides of this warzone. And they are so bad at parenting. I mean, I can't even get upset anymore around them. If I express myself verbally in any negative way I get accused of rebelling or being a bitch or being difficult... and now there even stands the possibility of getting myself hit. So, they're basically forcing this emotionless thing on me... like I have to hide everything and keep anger pent up. That has to be one of the worst things to do when you have kids. It will fuck me up even more... and I can see it already. I've lost a little more of my mind. I mean, they just don't get it. See, if I say that they didn't raise me in the best way they'll go off on some big thing about how they always bought me crap and encouraged me and allowed me to be creative and whatnot... but the thing is, there is so much more then that. Do they not even consider the deeper psychological effects of their actions? They dont'... and that's why they fucked up. Like, for the first 5 years of my life, they were constantly gone, touring. They left me at the house with my sister and the babysitter. All my memories of that time are either of me being completely alone in the house.. isolated, or fighting with my sister because she hated me at the time. The point is, I was so young... and they allowed me to be ripped away from them like that, and suppressed. That was the first step in my mental downfall.
They never set any rules of any kind for me until say, a year ago or something. It was like, they just suddenly woke up and decided to be parents. It's bullshit, because at that point.. I had grown up. I wasn't a child, and I was basically my own person. I did what I wanted, when I wanted, and didn't really communicate with them... there wasn't anything there. There never had been, so what incentive was there for me to be submissive? I never heard what they said, because I had never been told to.. ever in my youth. I became this complete free spirit. But then, one day..... rules. When you're that type of person, you don't do well with sudden rules or parental direction. Havoc, to say the least.
Anyway, I won't say anymore. Right now my main goal is to be inconspicuous, and get through the next year or so. I think once I get comfortable at Bricks I'll ask for some shifts at Blue Cactus, then once Spring rolls around I'll try for another job at Sonic. Combined, I should make pretty good money.. and if I keep myself in check, I can save every penny of it. When it comes to smaller stuff, like movies or clothes or whatever, I'll just innocently ask the 'rents for some dough... and save as much of that as possible. Mooch off them, and be evil... basically. :D Point is, it shouldn't be too long before I have a pretty good amount of money to fall back on... and therefore move out much sooner. Cheap apartments here I come. As far as school, well.. that's much easier since I'm homeschooling. I can get it done smoothly if I set my mind to it. As far as after school is finished and I'm comfortably out of the house... I don't know. I don't do long-term plans, really. Maybe I can hook up with someone and start doing what I've wanted to for years... travel.
Anyway, I wrote this yesterday... can you guess what it's about?

I tried,
I tried to save you.
Duct tape and staples,
Safety pins and all.

But they were nothing.
Compared, they couldn't match
with the catastrophic breakdown
of daily life's call.

Now you hang, like painted tears,
reflections of my sorrow,
tied up in spectacle.
Objects of twisted pride.

I loved you in your prime,
and yet, beyond, as well.
You were mine and held my strong.
Now in silence, beneath your stitches answers hide.


Thursday, January 27, 2005


Originally uploaded by Cake of Pans.

I just got off work, it was so much better today then Monday. It was busier, but I was prepared.. so I was comfortable. I met J, one of the pizza people, and A, another waitress, and G, a waiter who says he knows my sister, and S, another hostess who I work with on Saturday... that's her last day. They're all really cool. I just need to find better shoes. I'm looking forward to Saturday, I'm starting to like the job alot.

Oh, and.. I'm not a vegetarian anymore.

Anyway, short post today.. I have drawings to work on and I want a milkshake. Plus, I want to watch Edward Scissorhands really bad for some reason. I really miss T right now.
Here's my write for yesterday..
I Wonder

I wonder,
do you remember,
those words you spoke?
The ones to which I awoke,
beside me in the black SUV,
on the road to flying free.
You said, "I guess a true free spirit wouldn't let themselves get trapped."
Well, dear fraud, who's quote I lapped,
do you have any idea? Can you not,
see the irony in that wrought?
How can you be so true,
and so mutinous too?
If you have any faith in life,
If you sense any more then strife.
do tell, what is it that you see,
that makes you think you can control me?


Wednesday, January 26, 2005

Because I want you to want me

Originally uploaded by Cake of Pans.
Today's my parents 25th anniversary. Mmmk... great.

I decided yesterday, or, well... this morning for most, that I'm a vegetarian. I once tried to go for a week, and it worked eventually... but I don't know how long this time. Maybe indefinitely, maybe not. We'll see. I just couldn't stand the smell of bacon at the time, and I'm wierd, so... vegetarian I am. Last time I wouldn't eat eggs, but I will this time. For two reasons, one... they are in EVERYTHING, and two... they weren't technically killed; they never had a chance to live.

I also set another goal for myself.. that being to draw something, photograph something, and write something every day. I've been emailing back and forth with this guy, J, who has a photo blog. He posts a photo for everyday, and they're really beautiful. He has alot of talent. I asked him for some advice about photography.. you know, any tips or ideas or techniques he uses. He basically told me the best thing to do is just constantly shoot photos, "just shoot, shoot, shoot, and shoot some more," as he said, and he learned what he knows from always having a camera and experimenting. He described, 'happy accidents', which I'll come upon while taking pictures, which I can then try to replicate in a controlled way. That, and I'll find my own unique perspective. All of which I basically knew.. I've just never heard it from someone like him. Anyway, he told me that he made the photo blog to force himself to take more pictures, and of things he wouldn't normally... kind of, forcing yourself to grow in your abilities. SO, since I'm into photography, drawing, and writing... I figured I'd go ahead and try to push myself along in all areas. I'll develop artisically... yayness.

I still need to finish that collage, and I'm thinking about doing portraits of my parents for their anniversary.. which gives me until Saturday. I can do them on Friday, since I already have the pictures and I don't have to work. I did one of my grandmother a few days ago... I'm giving it to her whenever I see her. I did a couple quite a while ago, of my aunt and grandfather at the kentucky derby, from photos I took.. and gave them to my aunt although they both wanted them, she just kind of latched onto them. I surprised myself, they looked just like both of them... and so does the one of my grandmother, no question. They're very satisfying to do.. because they take time, and you often have to start over from small mistakes that completely change their look... if they don't have the right look, then portrait= lost cause. But I love it, because it's definitely something to be proud of. Be inspired, take the photo, do the work, take the time.. and you have a completely original work of art.

I got up at 5 today and went out for work clothes. 3 pairs of nice pants and a pair shoes for $50 at Target. I hate Target, but that's pretty damn good. A pair of pants I wanted from hot topic were $50 on their own.
I have 12 pairs of shoes now. Does that not seem like too many? What could I possibly need 12 for? I do collect Chuck's, but... well, whatever.

Anyway, I'll be going. Here's what I wrote for yesterday.. a poem:

He comes inside
and stops
and stares
as if to confirm
I'm real.

I'd rather hide, find
he forgets
and watch
time fly away,
not feel.

Somehow he needs to
know, that,
I'm not
some bad dream.
I'm here.

But I'm not who
he used
to know.
I see, and I
don't fear.

I too, am wronged.
You can-
not slight.
I wish that I
could be.

To act, I've longed.
But, just
don't try
and don't believe
in me.


Tuesday, January 25, 2005


Originally uploaded by Cake of Pans.
I must be naturally nocturnal. I'm turning to it's ways again.
So I haven't done much today. Just got online when I got up, and have been watching movies on Showtime since. Now I'm about to get back to work on this anime drawing I've been doing. It's a hard one, but so worth it. Which reminds me... I have got to finish that gothic collage. I haven't worked on it in days, maybe weeks. Time perception= not my strongest area. I'm not good with direction, either. That'll screw me over one of these days.
I just got a new notebook.. journal thing today. That makes me happy. It was funny.. my mom called me asking if there was anything I needed from Publix. I said I needed a notebook and she was like, "a notebook?"... all criticizing, "I was thinking along the lines of food." Which I knew she meant, but.. I wasn't interested. When I got off the phone I thought that it was interesting, I'd rather have a notebook than food. Then, sort of like, I'd rather write about the hunger then satisfy it. That shows a bit of the type of person I am.

There's more of me for art than life.


Monday, January 24, 2005

Well, time to post and flickr's down, so there shall be no photo. We can live without, eh?

Work was okay... basically what I expected. I'd say the worst thing is that I have to be standing the entire time. My feet and back were killing me once I left. Besides that, what I do isn't bad. Slightly boring if it's slow, but pretty much easy once you get the hang of it and figure out the table arrangements and numbers. One thing I don't like too much is that the hostesses have to bus the tables, too. That really isn't much fun, simply because you get leftover food crap on your hands, and clothes if you're not careful. Plus, the 'dish hole' is not a fun place to be. The smell isn't pleasant, and it's a tiny space, so if you end up in there with someone else, you're reaching around each other uncomfortably. Another hostess, H, showed me around and explained things. She was really nice, somewhat gossip-y though. She told me about the other employees and their situations, and made a few comments about customers that she knew about. The waiters and waitresses seem quite a bit more, what's the word... snotty? They're smartasses, and were more prone to order me around instead of asking. Except T, he was really nice. He's cute, and he didn't get pissed when I forgot certain things, just reminded me nicely. He's the only one that actually introduced himself. There's waitress H, she's kind of off-putting. She didn't even acknowledge me, except once, to complain about a mistake I made. Besides that, to her I just didn't exist. She's dating the owner, D, and I sense that she feels she's a little better because of that, and somehow gains the right to be a bitch to everyone. The others I know of are Waiter D... eh, whatever, and E.. who makes the pizzas.. she seems nice. Hostesses don't see alot of the kitchen staff, so.. all I know of them is one guy who's name I don't know, but hostess H said he can be a real asshole. So yeah. I have to fold napkins and roll silverware, seat people in the right order and keep up the chart, bus tables, stack glasses, help run food, water plants, sweep the front, clean menus (all of them.. god!), clean mirrors and windows, and be nice. Oh, and I noticed there's even a bit of exercise involved... alot of walking and lifting high chairs. I don't work again until Thursday, at 6. Then Saturday at 6, too. That'll be busy and stressful.

So anyway. Besides that I'm blank. Just very tired.
I watched Cellular when I got home... that was pretty good.


Sunday, January 23, 2005

Because I'm a little too dark, and a little too strange

Originally uploaded by Cake of Pans.
Well, I was up all night last night... 'til about 6 am, talking to T. So, I didn't get up until about 5 pm today. Yeah, I didn't get anything done.. or go anywhere.. nothing. Kinda sad, but hey... that was a great conversation.
Anyway, I don't think I have anything to blog about. I haven't done anything but watch tv and get on the computer since my job interview yesterday. I think I'll read today. That would be a good change for the brain. I haven't made it through Madness in the Paris review book yet.
An Irish Airman Forsees His Death

I know that I shall meet my fate
Somewhere among the clouds above;
Those that I fight I do not hate,
Those that I gaurd I do not love;
My country is Kiltartan Cross,
My countrymen Kiltartan's poor,
No likely end could bring them loss
Or leave them happier than before.
Nor law, nor duty bade me fight,
Now public men, nor cheering crowds,
A lonely impulse of delight
Drove to this tumult in the clouds;
I balanced all, brought all to mind,
The years to come seemed waste of breath,
A waste of breath the years behind
In balance with this life, this death.

~William Bulter Yeats, written about Robert Gregory

k bye

Saturday, January 22, 2005

Because I'm sick and morbid.

Originally uploaded by Cake of Pans.
"If you want a bunch of idiot, wannabe rebels to start recklessly screwing each other, just tell them not to."
That quote is from "crush'd", a blog that I regularly read. She's great... a bit preppy, I'm assuming.. and maybe a little boy crazy, but also very smart, which makes her posts interesting. I think her statement is probably true, as well. It's from a post all about health and gym class that she was ranting about, she sees the irony in it.

So.. the highlight of my... umm,, year?,. is.... ~drumroll~ I got a job. It's really great.. and I'm really happy, because it's at Bricks. This is exactly what I've been wanting to do... work in a restaurant, start out as a hostess, and work up to waitressing. It's awesome.. and I'm so glad. I'll get experience in that area, which will help me get waitressing jobs later on. It's perfect for me. The owner, D, interviewed me..and appreciated that I'm homeschooling and not involved in any sports teams or clubs, which means I can work anytime he needs me. He said he could put me on several shifts.. yay. So I start Monday and I'm just.... good. Something to do, money to make. Yeah, I'm good.

Last night was pretty good, too. T and I went over to my sis and bro-in-law's place to watch movies, Wicker Park and Vacuuming Nude in Paradise. They were both interesting, Wicker was good. So once I got home male B called and came over. We talked awhile and ended up watching the vacuuming movie, since he thought it sounded like an interesting story, and his kind of humor. I think the only times we laughed had nothing to do with the movie, though, just cracking up at each other... or about random stuff, like crackers. Seems we're always laughing at something. Anyway, so he was here until about 3:30 am, and left just on time... cuz the second I closed the front door on him I heard my dad flush the toilet. Heh, whoops. He gets up for work at 3:45-4:00 am, and had no idea B was here. That was great, though... B's great, and endlessly entertaining.

So I guess I'll go.. even though I have nothing better to do. You have now been updated on my life's events. Have a good day. Or a bad day, whichever you prefer. ~All hail the freaks!!~


Friday, January 21, 2005

no one wants to see half naked guys with wings

Originally uploaded by Cake of Pans.
Hence the lack of male fairies.
Or should I say.... devastating.

Okay, I think one of you will get this 'poem'..... maybe, you might not even get it, but I'm hoping you do. Anyway, here... I wrote it last night when I couldn't sleep.


I'm not sure what I'm trying to do here.
My bare skin aches against the bitter cold air
and this tiny square of blanket does me no good.
I wonder, perhaps I'm attempting to shiver away every new fear for myself.
Why on earth would I so desperately long to try a blood painting?
Why on earth would I want to traipse about in vampiric coats?
and Why on earth would I suddenly dream to live and breathe green?
What the hell is wrong with me?


Now, I don't smoke, but I just found this poem and really like it, so here:

Giving Up Smoking

There's not a Shakespeare sonnet
Or a Beethoven quartet
That's easier to like than you
Or harder to forget.

You think that sounds extravagant?
I haven't finished yet-
I like you more than I would like
To have a cigarette.
~Wendy Cope

She says: "I gave up smoking on 21st January 1985 and wrote this a couple of weeks later," Wendy Cope comments, adding:"People who have never been addicted to nicotine don't understand what an intense love poem it is."

So besides that..... so very interesting, I don't have much to say considering I haven't been doing much. I discovered a bunch of new kick-ass goth clothing stores online, which is awesome. I discovered a new appreciation for fairies, which is random. And, umm.... I discovered, umm..., which is some killer dark artwork.

k, bye


Thursday, January 20, 2005


Originally uploaded by Cake of Pans.
So far I've spent my day reading. That.... Paris Review book, so far I've made it through the first part: Heartbreak. It's very interesting. First there was a somewhat short story about a woman, Adrienne, who kills a baby.. accidentally. This becomes the theme.... and, I suppose the basis of her heartbreak. It's kind of... strange, in a way, in that she ends up getting married and going to some honorable gathering of smart people in Ireland. After that is a poem by Jonathan Galassi called Elms. I think the heartbreak here is some deep association with trees. I admit, I don't fully understand it's significance, although I think I get it, in a way. Then is a short writing by Bernard Cooper called The Fine Art of Sighing, which I really like. Then another poem, Intensive Care by Heather McHugh, which I also really like. I'll type it out here later. Then a short story called Careful, which I think speaks volumes beneath it's surface. Then a poem, To Urania by Joseph Brodsky, which I can't seem to focus on all the way through. I think it's main idea is loneliness, from a male perspective. The last line is, "and the expanse grows blue like laced underwear." Interesting.
Anyway, here's the poem...

Intensive Care
As if intensity were a virtue we say
good and. Good and drunk. Good and dead.
What plural means is everything
that multiplying greatens, as if two
were more like ninetynine than one,
or one were more like zero than
like anything. As if
you loved me, you will leave me.
You (are the man who) made
roadmaps to the ovaries
upon his dinner napkin.
I('m the woman who) always forgot
where she was-in a state,
in a sentence. Absently stirring
my alphabet soup, I remember
childhood's clean white calendar
and blueprint of the heart.
As if friends were to be saved
we are friends. We talk to ourselves,
go home at the same time.
As if beds were to be made
not born in, as if love
were just heredity
we know the worst, we fear
the known. Today we were bad
and together; tonight
we'll be good and alone.

~Heather McHugh

The next part is called Madness. How perfect for me, perhaps I'll read through that tonight.
Damn, it's nearing 4:00. That means my father may be home soon, and I'll want to shut myself away in my room. I guess that's not too bad, though.. since I need to work on that collage. Random poem:

It's nearing 4 pm,
and I,
want time to take a break.
To give me more,
more space
more freedom
to read and
hear the beating
heart of nothing.
The second
that driveway cracks,
and I hear a slamming
I'll have to run,
like always,
and lock my
faulty barriers.
For I can't,
just face you.
I can't stand
your voice
your face
your presence.
It's just too much,
and I,
only want my peace.
I can't stay.
You'll see me here,
emersed in my own
mournful happiness.
Which you may never know.

au revoir, ~AA

Wednesday, January 19, 2005

delicious young men with evil on their minds

Originally uploaded by Cake of Pans.

I don't remember if I had anything good to blog about, I've just had a surge of energy and any ideas have fled from my mind
I did write something a couple days ago, though... I guess I'll post that.

We're alone here,
My father and I.
He's downing vegetable soup.
I'm watching from behind,
Trying to hide,
And sipping ice-cold water.
Phones ring and others answer,
but it's for him.
He abandons his bowl,
and directs his mind,
far from the flickering TV.
Some old, pointless movie
grazes the screen.
I'm on the counter,
feet propped on a drawer.
I'm striving for heat
from the nearby functioning stove.
The source of the voice
vibrating through the earpiece
doesn't seem to want silence.
It's carrying on, and my father,
he listens half-heartedly
while re-positioning his bowl
by the phone, leaving
the tv, same movie, blaring.
I'm still here. He doesn't
seem to mind. I'm just happy
he doesn't bother. I'm lost
in my mane of unbrushed black
locks of hair, staring down
at my frantic pen.
Another sip of water down.
"Our lord, God almighty,"
I hear from the screen.
I look up to see a woman, nude,
and a man begins to repeat,
"I want you to be beautiful,
I want you to be beautiful,
I want you to be beautiful."
She seems distressed, distracted,
in her "I know's."
My conclusion is rape.
"Father almighty, I believe in God."
It says it again.
This is some troubled story,
becoming a deep reflection
scene. It's perplexing in it's
affect on me.
My mother enters, followed
by her posse of pitiful, irritating
dogs and cat.
She asks what I'm doing,
why I'm here,
and I respond with a
distant, hate-filled glance.
I'm too consumed in this
other world.
Lord, God, I believe, almighty,
I'm rising with deprived anger.
How the hell can I sympathize
when I have no idea.
I've lost it, and
I'm sick of
being confronted.
But now,
something's spilling.
Mother's upset and,
I could care less.
Rape. Something,
else I can't relate to.
No true empathy.
I've never been forced,
never unwillingly been
kissed or touched.
It's always been
among a mutual fire.
Again, I've never
even delved
into a world of
full on, real sex.
I only sense,
with distance.
I hear my father now,
he's saying my name.
He's relating details
of our lives.
Annoying my mother,
who retaliates
with hateful comments
just loud enough
for the other side to hear.
He moves.
I have no reaction.
I'm silent.
I'm here.
Yet I'm alone.


I'm actually surprised at the number of themes I touched, however vaguely.


Tuesday, January 18, 2005

Halloween is not a date, it's a state of mind.

Originally uploaded by Cake of Pans.
Well, earlier today I was looking through my pictures... row after row of things collected online or taken myself, trying to find something to blog that would reflect my mood. I was feeling particularly dark, though.. and just couldn't find something, well, dark enough. That's when I decided to make my own.. and set up a sort of mini photo-shoot. I got alot... and I mean alot, of good photos. Unfortunately I can only post one. This isn't even one of the dark ones, persay, but it ended up being one of my favorites. Most of the pics are taken inside.. but I got into it, and decided to take it outside. I was just fooling around, you know... and came up with this. I really love it... the lighting, the depth, everything. I think my stance represents me well, just sort of neutral, yet confined. I love that I appear so dark among the surroundings. I think it's beautiful, and it definitely reflects my mood today, artistically. :>
But I have really got to find some new friends into photography... my only model/subject is me! It's bound to get boring. Any dark goth types out there into photography? Leave a comment!
So, last night I went to bed at around 11. 11.... I can't remember the last time I went to bed so early. I did it out of sheer boredom, though. I just read my goth bible until that bored me too, then turned off the light. I actually woke up, full of energy, at 8 AM. I could hear my mother in the kitchen, though, since she hadn't yet left for work... so I stayed in bed to avoid her. I fell back to sleep, and got in another 3 hours or so. But 8 AM! Good lord.
Gertrude's Prayer

That which is marred at birth Time shall not mend,
Nor water out of bitter well make clean;
All evil thing returneth at the end,
Or elseway walketh in our blood unseen.
Whereby the more is sorry in certaine -
Dayspring mishandled cometh not againe.

To-bruized be that slender, sterting spray
Out of the oake's rind that should betide
A branch of girt and goodliness, straightway
Her spring is turned on herslef, and wried
And knotted like some gall or veiney wen. -
Dayspring mishandled cometh not agen.

Noontide repayeth never morning-bliss - Sith noon to morn is incomparable;
And, so it be our dawning goth amiss,
None other after-hour serveth well.
Ah! Jesu-Moder, pitie my oe paine -
Dayspring mishandled cometh not againe!

~Rudyard Kipling


Monday, January 17, 2005

the roof, the roof, the roof is on fire.

Originally uploaded by Cake of Pans.
I took this picture about 10 minutes ago.. just a tiny bit of the damage to the burned house. A picture is worth a thousand words, though, is it not?

I'm starting to get really bored. I've grown sick of the sims for the time being, and the internet isn't so interesting anymore. I should work on my collage, or draw something.. but I'm currently void of motivation. TV? Eugh.... nothing ever good on, and a complete, complete waste of time. That, and tv always makes me hungry. I've gotten to the point where I feel quilty every time I eat, again. I must have an eating disorder. It got really bad some time ago, I'd go for days eating only a couple crackers until I just couldn't stand it anymore. It was stupid and sad, and I got over it... but then just ate really unhealthy crap. So once I finally thought I should try being conscious of my diet, just healthier stuff (recently).. here I am again getting to where I can't eat without feeling like a pig. I can't let it get bad again, and I won't. I'm aware of it this time... not happening again. I don't get it... I'm usually a very confident person. Oh well, I'm just mentally fucked.
And I have to get out.. somewhere. Anywhere.

I am not I

I am not I.
I am this one
Walking beside me whom I do not see,
Whom at times I manage to visit,
And at other times I forget.
The one who remains silent when I talk,
The one who forgives, sweet, when I hate,
The one who takes a walk when I am indoors,
The one who will remain standing when I die.
~Juan Ramon Jimenez


Sunday, January 16, 2005


Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
My neighbor's house burned down last night. It was quite amazing. S and I were on the computer when she said, "Do you smell that? Something's burning." So we searched the house until we opened the front door and realized it was coming from outside. The street was hazy... and I saw the house, not too far away, with smoke billowing out of it's roof and gutters. "Oh my god, I think their house is burning down," I said. "No it's not!" she responded. "No, really. I think it is." We stood in the driveway and watched, then a sheriff's car passed by and turned around towards the house. Not too long after there were fire trucks, ambulances, and police cars littering the street. The entire area became a cloud of smoke, we had to cover our mouths with sleeves so as not to choke to death. We were there for about 2 1/2 hours or so... they were working on it all night. It took quite awhile for any flames to come through, and it wasn't until then, when you could actually see the gaping holes in the roof... with flames reaching out that they put the hoses to it. It was very interesting, horrific, mesmorizing, and sobering. The old woman who lived there was freaking out, and barely responded when S and I offered to get her something since my house was so close by.
I didn't wake up today until 5:30 pm. I couldn't believe it when I saw the clock.. it felt like it should have been noon at the latest. But no, 5 it was... so it was already too dark to go check out the aftermath of the destroyed home. That's not why I slept so late, though. Male B called last night, and ended up coming over. We were up together until about 4 am. First he and S and I played Uno..... and it ended up being the longest Uno game in history. We could have been playing for an hour and a half, maybe two hours or something... it was nearly intolerable. I ended up winning, though. That was kinda cool. Then we watched tv.. nothing in particular, just flipped through channels. I think S went to bed about 20-30 minutes before he actually left. I was getting so freaking tired... but he and I watched music videos and talked. It was fun.
So I'm still really tired. You know how that works..... too much sleep. I figure I can go to bed about 1:30am or so and get up at 11, just like usual. No serious damage to my sleeping patterns or anything. B called me around 7, said he's really sick today. :/ That's not cool.
I just really hope both my parents have to work tomorrow. I need a day by myself. Although the best friend C wants to go out and do something. So nevermind, hope one of them isn't working. I may need a ride somewhere. Ha... that's selfish of me, isn't it? I just need my own car so I won't have to deal with it. Gotta get my permit before the month is out. Shit..
Anyway, I thought I had something cool to blog about.. but right now my mind just seems so worn out. It's like... "Ideas? Fuck that. I've been abused."
Although I want to write T an email. So I suppose I'll do that, then give it a break.

k, bye

Saturday, January 15, 2005


Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
Okay... so I have so many thoughts roaming about in my head right now. I couldn't possibly blog it all, I don't think. Well, I suppose I could... but I wouldn't want you to have to waste half your day reading my ramblings. Yeah, like it would be that entertaining anyway.
"That bra owes your boobs an apology."
I'll start from the beginning.
Last night was very..... interesting. I didn't really want to go out, but the best friend S did. So, I surrendered to the clothes.. hair.. makeup rituals and got a ride from my mother. I got her to drop me off at the movies, S and I were thinking about seeing In Good Company. (nothing better) Yet, we'd also planned to meet up at Genghis Grill first. So I waited for my mom to leave then walked over to the restaurant, and had a great time. I've never been to that place and not had a great time. There's always cool people there... and always at least one or two cute guys. Why? Don't know... just one of those random mysteries. I just love that place, though.. everything about it. I should try to get a job there.
Anyway, so we weren't out of there until about 8 or so... and by then we didn't have time for a movie since my mother was planning to return at 9:30. (While she told me 9:30 in the car I was thinking... ~well, you can show up.. but good luck finding me.~) but no, gotta give it some time before I piss her off too much again. So S and I went over to Borders.. and I got all excited cuz I actually had money and I could buy shit. We went directly to the graphic novels... Manga!! I'm not really interested in reading them anymore... I just love the drawing style, and they inspire me. I'd buy a book just to use the character drawings for collages or something. Anyway, I skimmed over those books, then decided to make my way over to the self-help. Self-help.. you ask? I have no idea. I was just feeling self-helpish at the time. I never made it there, though. I was too intrigued and hence enveloped by the art section. I picked up a nifty book on creative photography. I almost bought it, but abandoned it for something S randomly found and handed me...... The Goth Bible. ~gasp! preettyy!!~ The cover of black and white curves, like carved stone and the elaborate medievel written Goth on the cover made me momentarily swoon. I flipped through it and decided I had to have it. So after awhile I left the art and passed through the psychology section, but ended up with all the music... listening to cd's in the dance genre area. ask? I have no idea... I was just feeling dance-ish at the moment.
So then we went back to the theater and sat in the lobby, watching people. We saw a guy that looked like he stepped right out of 'home at the end of the world', a movie she and I saw not too long ago. Then another guy whose shirt I wanted to steal. (wow.. that would be so hard to do) She and I engaged in interesting conversation... alot of it contemplating psychological reasoning, racism, and hot guys.
Speaking of psychological reasoning... I figured something out about myself. A couple friends of mine.. I dunno, mainly T... are really into music, and bands... having bands and stuff. I'm all about music, but the thing is... when the topic of band involvement and all that is brought up, I get this strange, sinking feeling. Like I don't want to talk about it. I'm never extremely supportive, and tend to avoid the topic. Which is wierd, right? I mean... why should I not be supportive of something so dominant in these friend's lives? Then... after much contemplation, I realized, that I must subconsciously associate the idea of a band, and dedication to music... with abandonment. Why? Since the day I was born my parents were in bands.... my mother and aunt were famous in the 80's with the sweethearts of the rodeo. The point? They were always on tour. In most of the memories from those early ages, I'm alone. Staring out the window wondering if mommy will ever come home... sitting in my room absorbed in a coloring book so I won't cry about the fact that my parents are gone and will be for a long time. Months, to such a young child, are like years. Our babysitter, she was nice and I loved her and everything.. but somehow I don't remember many moments with her. It seems I was much too often alone. So... band/music/and the like = abandonment in my strange, twisted psyche. So, that's why. I figured it out.... but I'm going to have to get over that. At least I know now.
Anyway, so back to the storyline (i told you I have alot on my mind).... umm, I was coming home and asked to stop by at a couple of my friend's apartment. I was really missing one of them... I love him to death, and I hadn't seen him for so long. Unfortunately he wasn't there, he was at work. Only the other friend.. and a group of his friends. A bunch of them knew who I was, so they let me in.... unfortunately. I just walked into this wall of smoke. I wasn't much looking forward to seeing the other friend (if i can even call him that...), but what the hell, you know? So I made my way to the dining/living area and found him on the couch, completely fucked up. Higher then the freaking moon, alright? Pretty bad.. he could have been dying. The friends were all in the dining area, passing around something. I just stood there in the hall kind of blank, looking at him there... completely pitiful. I said, "Hey, (friend's name)." He didn't move for a quite a few seconds then responded, speaking much too loud...."Hey!" I just tried not to lose it.(in laughter or curses I'm not sure) All the lights were off, just a couple candles were lit on shelves and stuff. So I just opted to leave, saying I'd see 'somebody' later, and declining their drug supply offers. I left the place, and instantly reeked of pot. It was awful.
So once I got home, I'd been going over thoughts of that... and started to kind of freak out. I got online and talked to T... which was a bad idea. I was a total bitch to him. That wasn't very nice of me. Sorry T.
That experience with the apartment just flustered me, I guess. I'd seen him high before.. but that was just so, so bad. I was completely brought down. S came to the house, and we ended up watching half of Collateral, until male B called and ended up coming over. It was hilarious... all three of us just ended up standing out in the middle of the street completely freezing our asses off..... for an hour. He could have come in, but if my parents had gotten up... well, you know, bad idea. S and I had blankets from the house, he had one from his car... but it was so damn cold!! We all hugged each other for warmth, which didn't really help. (but we were like penguins!) I don't even remember what we talked about.... just random crap, basically. B talked about his work, his apartment, his slacker roommate, (god I hate him sometimes), and stuff. I talked about homeschooling, trying to get a job, what makes me happy, and stuff. S talked about penguins, and..... what else? Sorry S I can't remember. But anyway......
That pretty much ended the night. Once B left, S and I thawed out in the house, piling every blanket we could find on top of us. I fell asleep there, she took my room for the alarm clock.
Yeah, so anyway.... I'm really fascinated by The Goth Bible. It addresses things as they really are for us. It's not stereotypical, it's factual... although it probably wouldn't seem that way for 'normal' people. Everything I've ever been asked to describe and haven't been able to find the right words for... in there it's just clear. I read the first few chapters this morning, can't wait to keep reading.
I also went the the library... just got back not too long ago. It wasn't the best experience I've had there.... I wasn't too inspired. I couldn't find any book that made me go, ~wow, can't wait to read this!~ just not a day for that, I guess. I got three anyway.... a poetry book, a novel, and something else.... can't remember titles.
Umm.... oh yeah! I thought it was interesting. I had just gotten up and gone in my room, and was making my way to the bathroom to brush my teeth and such. I passed my mom's room and she called to me..... "Annie, I have a confession to make." my first thought? ~crap... think think think what did you do? what did you leave out, what did you write and forget to hide? damn, I knew you shouldn't have left The Goth Bible by the computer last night... she probably thinks it's a satanist's guide or something. shit~ then, "I went in your room the other day to get the laundry basket..." I'm thinking, ~room!!!? bitch.... she could have asked me for that basket. now what did I have out in my room, what could she have seen? what drawings what magazines, what books!?~ then, "I saw that thing you're working on on your wall. I stopped and looked at it and thought, 'hmm, she doesn't have any paint' then I touched it, then noticed all the little bowls of different colored clippings you had out. That is amazing, what you're doing. It's beautiful." I stop... ~wait.... what?~ She's talking about my gothic anime girl collage. "It's really turning out well, isn't it?" I say yes, and thank you, then she says, "I'd really love for you to do something on the hallway walls for me." ~okay~ Then I walk away.... that was surprising. Maybe I'm getting better at hiding the stuff that pisses her off. Heh heh.. sweet. Now I have to think of what to do in the hallway... I don't think gothic anime girls will cut it.
Anyway, so now I'm just sitting here trying to calm down. I'm kinda wired from typing all this out... just emptying out parts of my brain. S is coming over after work.. she gets off in half an hour.
B goes to work in half an hour. He said he'd call me today.... although I'm not counting on that. He always ends up not calling for a few weeks. Doesn't bother me... poor guy needs a break.
I don't know what I'm doing tonight..... maybe finishing Collateral. Right now I'm completely parched, though.
I'll post a poem from that library book, then I'll be off.
Oh yeah, I ripped off all the quotes on my door today. Just randomly found myself standing there, then reached out and started ripping and ripping away. I should collage something on there... ooh, ideas ideas.
Oh wow,... B just called! Heh, that's cool. I never get to the phone in time.. so he left a message. Said to stop by sonic to see him if I could, and that he hopes I'm not cold today. Ha... he's awesome.
Anyway, I have the books with me now... they're...
New and Selected Poems 1923-1985 Robert Penn Warren
The Thin Woman
The Paris Review Book of Heartbreak, Madness, Sex, Love, Betrayal, Outsiders, Intoxication, War, Whimsy, Horrors, God, Death, Dinner, Baseball, Travels, The Art of Writing, and Everything Else in the World Since 1953

Isn't that just the best title ever? I can associate myself with each of those, except baseball.
K, so poem. Then I'm leaving, I promise:
Three Darknesses
There is some logic here to trace, and I
Will try hard to find it. But even as I begin, I
Remember one Sunday morning, festal with springtime, in
The zoo of Rome. In a natural, spacious, grassy area,
A bear, big as a grizzly, erect, indestructable,
Unforgiving as God, as rhythmic as
A pile-driver-- right-left, right-left--
Slugged at an iron door. The door,
Heavy, bolted, barred, must have been
The entrance to a dark enclosure, a cave,
Natural or artificial. Minute by minutes, near, far,
Wheresoever we wandered, all Sunday morning,
With the air full of colored balloons trying to escape
From children, the ineluctable
Rhythm continues. You think of the
Great paws like iron on iron. Can iron bleed?
Since my idiot childhood the world has been
Trying to tell me something. There is something
Hidden in the dark. The bear
Was trying to enter into the darkness of wisdom.

Up Black Snake River, at anchor in
That black tropical water, we see
The cormorant rise--cranky, graceless,
Ungeared, unhinged, one of God's more cynical
Improvisations, black against carmine of sunset. He
Beats seaward. The river gleams blackly west, and thus
The jungle divides on a milk-pale path of sky toward the sea.
Nothing human is visible. Each of us lies looking
Seaward. Ice melts in our glasses. We seem ashamed
Of conversation. Asia is far away. The radio is not on.
The grave of my father is far away. Our host
Rises silently, is gone. Later we see him,
White helmet in netting mystically swathed,
As he paddles a white skiff into the tangles
Darkness of a lagoon. There moss hangs. Later,
Dark now, we see the occasional stab of his powerful
Light back in the darkness of trunks rising
From the side lagoon, the darkness of moss suspended.
We think of the sound a snake makes
As it slides off a bough--the slop, the slight swish,
The blackness of water. You
Wonder what your host thinks about
When he cuts the light and drifts on the lagoon of midnight.
Though it is far from midnight. Upon his return,
He will, you know,
Lie on the deck-teak with no word. Your hostess
Had gone into the cabin. You hear
The pop of a wine cork. She comes back. The wine
Is breathing in darkness.

The nurse is still here. Then
She is not here. You
Are here but are not sure
It is you in the sudden darkness. No matter.
A damned nuisance, but trivial--
The surgeon has just said that. A dress rehearsal,
You tell yourself, for
The real thing. Later. Ten years? Fifteen?
Tomorrow, only a dry run. At
5 A.M. they will come. Your hand reaches out in darkness
To the TV button. It is an old-fashioned western.
Winchester fire flicks white in the dream-night.
It has something to do with vice and virtue, and the vastness
Of moonlit desert. A stallion, white and flashing, slips,
Like spilled quicksilver, across
The vastness of moonlight. Black
Stalks of cacti, like remnants of forgotten nightmares, loom
Near at hand. Action fades into distance, but
You are sure that virtue will triumph. Far beyond
All the world, the mountains lift. The snow peaks
Float into moonlight. They float
In that unnamable altitude of white light. God
Loves the world. For what it is.


Friday, January 14, 2005

i'd hit that

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
Up early... tried for jobs, publix and bricks. (bricks bricks bricks... PLEASE bricks!) The manager said they just had a girl turn 16, and is now transitioning from hostess to waitress. Hostess...... i wanna take that job so bad. Man I hope I can get it.
Anyway, since then I've been collaging. It is just becoming the perfect way to distract myself. Lock the door, crank up the radio, and break out the scissors. snip snip. heh heh
Best friend C! You are impossible to get a hold of! Every time I call your cell... no answer. I'll call your house... no answer. ~sigh~ You've got to call me or we'll never see each other again.
I'm going to the movies tonight w/ the best friend S. Maybe. I don't know what we might see.... but, I dunno... i actually feel like I'd rather watch movies here instead. Uh oh... I'm becoming a complete anti-social hermit. Somebody break my shell... quick! Or not... whatever.

"I might actually be a pretty funny person if I just had the ability to verbally communicate."

Thursday, January 13, 2005

~long pause~ Well, he's either crazy.... or he really wants you. ~I think it's a bit of both.

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
I've spent the day working on a collage on my wall.... it's of a gothic anime girl. I thought I'd start with something simple since I've never actually attempted creating a full picture with a collage... it's always been just random clips of stuff covering desktops and boxes. So far it's turning out really cool. It's a hell of alot more work then you'd expect, though. There's detail everywhere...... makes me feel like I need glasses. That and the coloring, making it all appear to lighten or darken while flowing well into one another. It's hard to make clean lines, too. But the trouble is worth it.... if this turns out well I can try something more complicated, like a real person.... no advantage of the drawn look.
Anyway.... oh! Best friend S, I made something for you. Come over soon... really soon. I'll give you a hint.... what did we both really want while watching tv the other night? Starts with a c.....
~sigh~ There's really nothing to blog about. I haven't even written journal stuff in awhile.... there's nothing going on. I'm just peacefully going about my life in this relatively tolerable house........... waking up around 11, working on collages or drawing or playing sims or getting online, taking care of myself, hiding away from family members when they get home, talking to T online at night, then reading myself to sleep around 1 or 2 am. Thinking, reflecting, hoping, and breathing. It's alright. I don't expect this peace of mind to last, of course, but it's here for now and I can appreciate the now faded depression. It's just quiet.... and I'm just.... so, okay. Okay for once in so long.


Wednesday, January 12, 2005


Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
I just woke up not too long ago. I have no idea what I'm doing today, and that's not a bad thing yet. This is just great....... no 6 AM... I didn't even have to get dressed this morning.

I'm looking for a job on friday... got some nearby places in mind. That's not 'til Friday, though. I've got time. I'm just a slacker for now. Yes.

Anyway, so this won't be just a completely empty, pointless, boring post... I'll try to find something else to use. ~whips out the question book~
Are you regarded as a sensitive person or not? - Depends on who's 'regarding' me.... like my parents, uhhh... well we won't go there, but most people I know well would say I'm somewhat insensitive, I think.
Are you basically lucky? - Basically. Very, very, basically. It always takes a long while for the luck to become apparent.. but nothing ever seems to go completely terribly wrong for me. I always manage to hold my own.
Do you feel hurt if people do not try to cheer you up when you are unhappy? - No. Everyone's used to it.... plus if I'm encouraged to 'cheer up' it just pisses me off even more.
Did you think you would turn out the way that you have? - No.
Have you ever tried to do the right thing and have it backfire? - Oh yes.
Would you spend a week in an empty room? - Hell yes.
What one thing most frightens you about growing old? - The possibility of growing sick and having to rely on others. I'd probably just go ahead and kill myself.. no joke.
At sixty-five, will you be broke, still be working, be retired and living comfortably, or be rich? - Still working.
What would you like to "program" your dreams to be? - Well that would depend on my mood before bed. heh
When you think of the next ten years, what are you most excited about? - Traveling
At what age does the quality of life go down? - 12.. cuz somewhere around there you suddenly wake up and go *crap.... this is life.*
To you, is aging decay or growth? - Growth at first, a plateau, then decay. You should always feel as if your growing, though. Wow, what a cliche, obvious answer. oh well
What happens to the family when it is under stress? - I disappear and my parents fight constantly.
What would you like to learn about your family history? - The geneology all the way back as far as is possible.
How forgiving are you when someone lets you down? - Very. I may get upset, but I get over it all really, really quick.
Who would you like to get in contact with that you have not spoken to in years? - Julia, or Julie... my kindergarten friend. We hooked up two or three times in the years after I moved away... but, well you know.
Who were the major betrayers in your life, especially those you were always loyal to? - My parents. I was loyal... once, many a year ago.
Do you stay in the background at parties or put a lampshade on your head? - Background.
Do you seek and take advice from friends? - No, not usually.

k, bye

Tuesday, January 11, 2005

oh yeah...

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
I'm out of school. Just like that... never going back. Now I just have to wait for all my homeschool stuff to happen. It was a very strange feeling though, walking through that 700 hall with my stuff, knowing I'd never be there to learn again. (Like I ever learned anything in that shit hole.. but you get the point.) Now it's just me and Edi kitty... and I feel something I haven't fully experienced in a long while.......... happiness.
I have time all the sudden.... time to do stuff. I was expecting this week to be just like any other.... but in literally, like, half a second... my life changed. I just ran into my mother in the hall and wham bam,,,, we're leaving.
I looked around as we were walking out, laughing at the fact I had not 10 minutes before had a lecture from my english teacher about a huge paper due this week that I haven't done a stitch of work on.... not a problem now, and saw all these people that have effected me... and realized that many of them I would possibly never see again. No longer physically presences I have to encounter and deal with everyday.... just memories.
I was writing most of the day... here's a random poem I put together.. not initially expecting to finish it. All about my hands........ i like my hands. Although this doesn't exactly compliment them.... oh well, I'm just wierd. I tend to write negatively.
My Hands
I watch my hands,
They seem so weak,
Too fragile, and too pale.
The skin seems thin,
At loss to feel,
More tired, taut, and frail.

My saundering,
Exhausted mind,
Allows them to move slow.
They scratch along,
And gliding without glow.

The pitiful,
Chipped coats of black,
Once held those broken nails.
Now they're naturals,
Their nakedness,
To hide away, has failed.

I'm silent in my wish,
For them to move in,
Some classical way.
But they seem lost,
And I just hope,
That they may wake one day.


k... bye

Monday, January 10, 2005


Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
[ / YOU.
first name: Annie
middlename: Grey
age: 15
birthplace: Nashville
current location: Franklin
hair color: black
length: uhh, long
height: 5'6-5'7 something like that
eye color: brown
siblings?: sister M
pets?: the only one I consider mine is Edi, my kitty... but there are various other non-human creatures inhabiting our home such as dogs and birds
status: taken?
starting time: 4:48 pm
current clothing: navy blue jackass shirt, 2 studded belts, green baggy pants, black socks
current jewelry: watch
current hair: pulled up... braids and such, kinda spiky..... but I slept on it, so kind of funky-looking by now, I'm sure
current makeup: black eyeliner and some concealer, I'm sure the color on my lips has rubbed off
current time: 4:50 pm
current date: january 10th
current thoughts: T, how I get to homeschool, ummm.... how I dislike my father, how I like this song...... isn't the list always infinite?
current sounds/music: Love Is All You Need, The Beatles.... plus the sound of me typing, and the hum of the computer, and the ticking of the clock
current annoyance: how I've been cold all day
current food: had fetuccini alfredo a second ago
current beverage: water
current taste: umm.... pasta-y water?
current mood: passive
current nailcolor: black
current worry: ummm.... none really.
current wonder: if I have some sort of real sickness, and if chewing ice is really bad for your teeth
current crush: too much to call it a crush
spoke to: my mother
had a conversation with: my mother
instant messaged: T
emailed: the best friend S
hugged: heh heh
kissed: ummmmmmm.... the cat.
yelled at: probably one of my parents
complimented: probably S
dissed: probably J.... all part of the friendship
made plans with: umm, well I sort made plans with S and T and M for Saturday... so I guess that works
called on the phone: I think sister M
talked to on the phone: my mother
said 'hi' to: Edi, but like... real person? umm... actually, a guy in my algebra class, a different J
were excited to see: T
wished you were with: T
had a dream about: my whole family
fought with: parents, I'm sure
made a joke about: don't know
laughed with: S
cried about: probably T
told a secret to: S
rode in the car with: T, his mom, S, and a different J (wow I know alot of J's)
[ / LAST...
item of food you consumed: fetuccini alfredo
liquid you drank: water
store you went to: Publix
place you drove to: if being on the bus counts... home, if not.. school
item you spent money on: pizza on saturday
song you listened to : The Beatles... All You Need Is Love
cd you bought: John Butler Trio
time you showered: Actually, Friday... heh heh... whoops
time you painted your nails: the night before I left for Taos
tv program you watched: Nip / Tuck
movie you went to see in the theater: Meet The Fockers
time you made a fool of yourself in public: umm, last night sort of
time you had a fight with your parents: oh not too long ago I'm sure
time you got grounded: first time I was ever really, truly grounded... I don't remember exactly when ,but it happened cuz I stayed at steak n shake all night with A, B, and S. God... I'm never going to that restaurant again.
were embaressed: umm, last night sort of.... ran into T while in the same clothes I had on the day before, hair funky and unbrushed... no makeup besides what I hadn't washed off......... yeah.
vacation you took: TAOS
shaved: umm... might have been Friday
[ / DO YOU..
die your hair: yep
smoke: no
speak a diff. lang.? not yet
drink: yep
shower daily: depends, usually no, to be honest
wear make up daily: no
lie a lot: I only lie to my parents, when it's very necessary
make fun of others to their face: depends on who it is.. and I'm never serious
play any instruments: no
[ / HAVE YOU..
lied to your parents: yeah
cheated: yeah
shoplifted: no
been rejected: not really
rejected someone: yeah
asked someone out: yes
colored/died your hair: yes
done something you didnt want to just for someone to like you: yeah, prob in elementary school... hell that's like every day in 3rd grade
done anything you regret: mmhmm
fallen asleep during a movie: yeah
gotten in a physical fight: only with my sister... wow, i love her
been suspended: nope
had a reoccuring dream: yes
made dinner for your family: yeah
slept for more than 12 hours at a time: i'm sure
stayed up for 24 hours straight: yup
ran away: sort of
complimented someone and not meant it: yeah
place in the world to be: as of right now, Taos
place to live: well, I've only lived here so I don't know for sure... but I'd like to try Taos, New York City, Paris....... oh the list goes on.
color: black
color combination: olive green and deep yellow
outfit: I don't have specific outfits... they're always changing.
article of clothing: I love perfectly fitting black t-shirts with stuff on them, and comfortably fitting, long black pants.... so, one of those... whatever.
makeup brand: whatever's cheap and looks halfway decent
item of makeup: i really like lipstick, although I rarely wear it
actor: Johnny Depp
actress: Julia Roberts
movie: Edward Scissorhands
tv show: Insomniac Music Theater, Bam Margera's show whatever it's called, While You Were Out (just for the host.. Evan), and uh.. I dunno, I don't watch alot of tv
band: don't have one
cd: don't have one
song: don't have one
type of movie: foriegn, sort of messed up love stories... or I dunno, just random ones where you stop at the credits and go, "wait, what was that about??"
memory: It's recently changed, but I won't explain
season: fall
time of year: umm.... winter I guess
holiday: don't have one anymore
type of music: any
food: uhh, chocolate stuff....... and pez,, although I haven't had pez in such a long time
drink: water
candy: pez, or peanut m&ms, or snickers,
radio station: 91.1, 102.9
sport: umm, skiing I guess. skateboarding? rugby's cool.... but I don't really like sports
sport to watch: don't watch them.... but those extreme sports shows are sometimes cool
thing to do: do stuff to my walls
person to go to for advice: uhhh.... T?
person who makes you happy: S, never fails
person makes you laugh: S, never fails
website: um, flickr or launch or..uh, something
thing to do on the weekend: whatever, if I'm not in school i'm good.... and pretty soon I'll be good so much more often!! yay
thing to do alone: write
thing to do when stressed out: sims
book: The Piano
thing to do when bored: sims, or do stuff to my walls, or read
teacher: don't have one
relative: my aunt
time of day: anytime past noon is fine
day of the week: saturday i guess
subject: dunno
what is the first thing you notice about the opposite sex: hair
number one most important: physically? i dunno.. i guess a nice thin body. mentally? I'd say some balance there. as for relationship? balanced view of it.
preferable hair color: BLACK.... i'm obsessed
eye color: as long as they aren't some kind of freaky ice/blue.. I don't really care
hair style: something cool and messy and spiky and such
height: eh, tall's good... as long as he isn't shorter then me
best friend: S, T, uhh... I'm losing C, female B, male B,
most daring: uhh... maybe male B or T, dunno
funniest: S
craziest: C
shy: i guess T
mature: actually, probably T.... hey age is just a number, you know?
dumbest: couldn't say... I don't have dumb friends
smartest: i don't know... maybe T,
best to be around: S or T or C
friend you had to be put in a room with for a week and wouldnt get annoyed with: female B
most likely to be a millionare: C


i have no life... yet


Sunday, January 09, 2005


Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
My dear, sweet, precious, annoying, mean little Edi girl.
So I had a great night last night... really great. Actually ended up being one of the best of my life.
I'm not sure of what to do with myself today. The best friend S is here and she doesn't have to work today. I hope she hangs around. Maybe I'll play sims until she gets up, and get her to help me with something in my room. She's the best for that.... like last night after everyone left we were sitting in the kitchen trying to decide what to do. All of the sudden I was just like, "We could create art." and instantly she went, "Okay!!!!" So I just gave her some paint and brushes and let her do whatever she wanted on my walls. I added to the collage over my bed. She ended up doing her own infinite abyss (inspired by Garden State) and a flower, which she used my Georgia O'Keefe calender as a reference for. They're both cool.. and will probably stay there for a long, long, long time. There's so much I've painted directly on my walls... I don't think my parents would have the heart to paint over it all when I move out. At least I hope they wouldn't. Heh, I'm thinking before long there won't be any clear spaces to paint or collage or draw on. I have alot of time on my hands, and apparently alot of creativity.
Anyway. I just kinda feel good today. Good stuff has happened, and there's just this tiny glimmer of hope around now. I wish I had that Beatles song around to listen to... ~love is all you need~ cuz sometimes it really feels like that's true.
Maybe it is.


Saturday, January 08, 2005


Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
Just finished the family discussion over homeschooling. I don't really know what the outcome is. It seems somewhat good, but I can't be sure. All I know is I've come out of it with a massive headache. My mother is planning to call the school and talk to my counseler on Monday.
My father has no communication skills... and basically ended up complaining about his life and how he wished he had gotten a better education because he hates his job. My mother was a little better at it... and for once I actually feel grateful towards her. The conversation ended with me saying, "I just want to make enough money to support myself wherever I am." Then my dad, "Well you can do that waitressing." Then me, "Exactly. I mean, your job isn't your life." Then everyone agreed and went their separate ways. I'm really hoping this works out.. I don't know if I'll be able to handle the school environment anymore. The misery and pressure may just end up being too much and I'll do something awful. No joke.
Day 8 Sunday

New Every Morning

Every day is a fresh beginning,
Listen my soul to the glad refrain.
And, spite of old sorrows
And older sinning,
Trouble forecasted
And possible pain
Take heart with the day and begin again.
~Susan Coolidge

Bloody Men

Bloody men are like bloody buses-
You wait for about a year
And as soon as one approaches your stop
Two or three others appear.

You look at them flashing their indicators,
Offering you a ride.
You're trying to read the destinations,
You haven't much time to decide.

If you make a mistake, there is no turning back.
Jump off, and you'll stand there and gaze
While the cars and the taxis and lorries go by
And the minutes, the hours, the days.

~Wendy Cope

Yesterday some plans fell through and I didn't feel like skiing. So I spent the first half of the day sulking and watching TV. Then once everyone else arrived home, I left to walk aimlessly in the village. I spent a good deal of time stalking around the St. Bernard restaurant. I stood outside the kitchen and watched the chefs through the dusty windows and piles of cookware. Then after awhile I realized I was freezing to death and surrendered to the restaurant's lobby/waiting area. I just sat there writing and taking pictures of the brick floor.
The trek back up to the condo is all uphill, and extremely tiring. A major pain in the ass, to say the least. Once I got back up I climbed the three flights of stairs leading to my loft room and collapsed. I layed and talked to myself before drifting off to sleep.
So we leave today - flights leave somewhat soon. I've spent about $450 here. Most of it - I'd say 80 to 90%, I spent on gifts. Everything here is handmade, originals by artists of the area, so its also very expensive. I bought for five people, my aunt, the best friend S, T, the sister, and the best friend C. They're the five that I care most about and know well enough to buy for.
Anyway, I'm looking forward to being home. I'll have to straighten up my room and look for next semester's class schedule. Then I'll finally be able to get online and check email. The only thing that sucks, though, is that I won't have the option of staying or leaving. There's no interesting, eventful village just walking distance down the path. I will really miss Taos. I'll miss the people, the atmosphere, the skiing --- all of it.


okay, my head is pounding. I must distract myself in other ways....


Friday, January 07, 2005

I should paint that.

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
the torch-carrying skiers.
Didn't go to school today... and I'm overjoyed cuz I'd be in algebra right now.
Day 6 Friday

Well, it's the new year, 2005, and I couldn't have spent it better. I went skiing from morning to afternoon, then spent a couple hours shopping in the village. I got some of the best gifts I could find for the people most special to me. I also bought myself two earcuffs (like the cartilage is pierced) and a beautiful bag. The two places I shopped at, Andean Software and another place, are incredible places with wonderful people. Nearly everything they sell is handcrafted by local artists.
After shopping I came back to the condo and dressed for the night's celebration. Little did I know what was really awaiting me.
Before dinner the family and I caught the torch skiers and fireworks. It's a beautiful, beautiful sight that simple can't be given credit by words. I'd even say it's enchanting.
Dinner was absolutely mind-blowing. It was the most exquisite dinner I have ever experienced. Each course was brought to the table by Jean, the French host. We had a couple different kinds of champagne, and red and white wine. All of it was beyond anything I've tasted before. The courses consisted of soup and bread, then foie gras (I never expected to taste, it's duck liver... surprisingly good), then crablegs and oysters (another first for me... once again, surprisingly good.. I kept the shell), then sorbet to "cleanse the palette". For the main course, I never dreamed that steak could be so good. It was served with potatoes and black eyed peas, which I ate one of. By then I was in a wonderful calm, drunken state. Then for dessert, they served some sort of vanilla and chocolate layers roll. It was good, but unfortunately it was packed with coconut, which I couldn't stand. So for quite some time everyone there, including Elan (very nice man, the French downhill ski champion) and his wife, Charlie and Jillian (don't really know them), my parents and I, and aunt and uncle, was just sitting and talking away. Suddenly, though, I noticed a loud booming beat coming from the other side of the restaurant. So I went over to find a bar packed with people drinking and dancing, really partying. I ended up sneaking off from the family and finding a place to sit near the dancefloor. Great people watching, to say the least. I talked to quite a few people, and even ended up dancing a couple of times. Once with a hippie with long hair, either Mike or Mark, I can't remember. Then with a goth guy who's name I didn't understand as he yelled it across the deafening music. I mean, they asked.. and I did'nt have the heart to turn anyone down until later in the night. From them, and the mass of other people there I found out firsthand it's true... white boys can't dance. I spent the majority of my time in the corner watching everyone else. I began to wonder how many of them were drunk (probably all of them), how many of them were high (probably quite a few), then how many of them were getting some tonight (probably alot, if they didn't all pass out within the hour).
Unfortunately my buzz wore off somewhat quickly. Maybe if it had lingered I would have been more social. I just kept thinking about how I wanted Suzanne to be there. She and I would have ruled that dance floor. I always tend to talk a little more and party a little more when we're together. I'm hoping to get her up here for next new year's eve. The DJ there was really good... played great music. They have the party every year, I think... can't wait to go again.

Anyway, now I'm just sitting in my room staring out the window, wishing I was here with someone I love. It sucks the night is over. It seems every New Year's Eve is like that though. You're happy, you have fun and get drunk and party, until the night is over, you're buzz has faded a bit, and you're wishing you could start it all over again.

ouch.... I'm in pain.
Seen the video for Mad World? Watch it... it's pretty cool. I love that song. Californication - beyond awesome.

Sonnet 115
All we were going strong last night this time,
the mots were flying & the frozen daquiris
were downing, supine on the floor lay Lise
listening to Schubert grievous &sublime,
my head was frantic with a following rim:
it was a good evening, an evening to please,
I kissed her in the kitchen - ecstasies-
among so much good we tamped down the crime.

The weather's chainging. This morning was cold,
as I made for the grove, without expectation,
some hundred Sonnets in my pocket, old,
to read her if she came. Presently the sun
yellowed the pines & my lady came not
in blue jeans & a sweater. I sat down & wrote.
~John Berryman


Thursday, January 06, 2005

"The massive '15' plastered on my forehead is apparently able to determine what I'm capable of. I despise numbers."

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
I wrote an 8 page letter to my parents today... I'm giving it to them, too. This should be interesting.
Day 4 Wednesday

Last night I dreamed I was sitting on my Taos bed smoking Marlboro cigarettes as I wrote in a notebook. After awhile I left, walking down the flight of stairs leading to the landing where my mother sleeps. I found her rolling a joint with a five dollar bill. She proceeded to offer me the joint, and the money. I woke before answering.
I was a night of broken sleep, tossing and turning, then waking to find the blankets on the floor and hence my shivering body. I'd reach over to heave them back up over me, then strain my eyes out the massive window to my left in search of snow. The forecasted 15 inches has yet to appear.
I realize so far the dream has come true. I sit in my Taos bed recording thoughts. Unfortunately the closest thing to a cigarette burning in my hand is an empty box of Marlboro lights I fetched from a trash can by the ski lift ticket window a few days ago. It's sitting on the pale wooden desk to my right, amid an array of my haphazard yet organized belongings. The small gold lettering, "20 Class A Cigarettes," reflects the light from the window. I don't have a single lamp on, as the natural lighting provided by the clear, crisp air, pure white snow, and the commonly timid sun, is exquisite.
My mother isn't here, so I won't be getting that joint, or the five dollars. Not that she'd ever do that. Her and my father left early yesterday for some time alone in the downtown Taos area. I've had a marvelous time without them, skiing, hanging out, watching movies, and eating pizza with my aunt, all without their voices ringing in my ears.
I've begun to think how much I wish a friend of mine were here. Someone besides family would be nice. (the best friend S) and I would have a great time, although I doubt she'd really take to skiing. (the best friend C) would be great to hang around with, we'd have a killer time. I find, however, that I desperately miss (T). I'm sure he'd love to walk around the village, maybe laugh at falling skiers. He likes the cold, and the quiet.
I check my watch to find it's noon. Half-day ski tickets go on sale at 12:30. I begin to contemplate the layers of ski clothes, the walk to the locker, those horrific ski boots, and the heavy gear. Although I'm quite content here in bed, comfortable in bra and underwear, I'm up for it. It's all worth it once you're flying down those slopes and having the time of your life. I'll just have to get up and make my way down to the kitchen and living room to see what the family has in mind for the day. I have yet to ski alone. Not only is it a bad idea for the great chance of a serious fall, but I'd most likely get lost on the mountain.
I was up far too late last night, hence collapsing into bed without washing off my black eye makeup. So, despite the flattering light I slightly resemble a zombie. Well, a very pale, not green or grey zombie, with long black hair that somehow looks good today, and a cute blue bra. Yeah, it's the eyes that get you. That, and I didn't manage to brush my teeth, either. I wouldn't be the best candidate for a kiss.
So I suppose I'm off, I've been craving a Swiss Cake Roll since 10 o'clock last night.
When I am dead, my dearest,
Sing no sad songs for me;
Plant thou no roses at my head,
Nor shady cypress tree:
Be the green grass above me
With showers and dewdrops wet:
And if thou wilth, remember,
And if thou wilt, forget.

I shall not see the shadows,
I shall not feel the rain;
I shall not hear the nightengale
Sing on, as if in pain:
And dreaming through the twilight
That doth not rise nor set,
Haply I may remember,
And haply may forget.

~Christina Rossetti

Anyway, gotta type up some stuff and play sims... heh. Bye for now.