Monday, February 28, 2005

you'll find me in the matinee, the dark of the matinee

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
So last night I had nothing to do and had the thought: "Hey, I should workout. I haven't at all in a week and a half.... so I should. I'd feel alot better." So what did I do? Sat on the couch and ate a pan of brownies.

and yet I feel super skinny today. Oh the irony.

I also watched the first half of 'Sky Captain and The World of Tomorrow', which wasn't entertaining enough to keep me awake. The male parental unit rented that and 'Paparazzi', which I had watched earlier in the day. It wasn't very good. Basically this new action star gets pissed at a group of obsessive paparazzi guys who mess with him and his family... so he kills three of them and puts the fourth in jail and gets away with it all. Wow... how impressive, right?

This morning I was up early.. my sleep patterns are all screwed around right now.. and asked the female parental unit about getting my check cashed. I don't have a bank account at the moment, and therefore sign my checks over to her, which she puts in her account then takes out for me. I was hoping to get the money today or tomorrow... since I need to set aside some to buy fabric at some point. Turns out, however, that she put the check in her account... but won't take out the money until Friday. That's when she gets her paycheck.... and if she takes mine out before that, we won't have enough money for the all around family finances. Dear god... I'm supporting my family for the week... I'm paying for our food..!.. scary thought. This got me pretty upset at first, considering that she just did that... without even asking/informing me of her plan. That's just something you don't do. I worked for that money, and it rightfully belongs to me alone. It was not her place to use it otherwise. It's not like she's completely stolen it from me or anything.... when she gets her paycheck in on Friday I get my cash, but... I'm still a little put off by it. I'm not trying to be selfish either, I'm all about keeping my family's financial heads above water, but... I'd just like to know about it and not have that decision made for me. I'm opening my own account asap.

Turns out my only day off this entire week is Wednesday. New hostess M called me last night and asked if I'd take her shift tonight... and I said yes, of course, cuz I'm just nice like that sometimes. They had put me on Sunday too, which is different... I don't usually work that day. So now here I am, Monday through Sunday, every night. That's cool... cuz a nice paycheck shall be the result once next Friday comes along, but it also sucks... because after a few nights in a row I'm very ready for time off.

Anyway, today once I get off the computer I'm going to fold my laundry, then get that workout in (hide the brownies from myself), then take a shower and try to keep my new curls from straightening out, then... who knows. I should work on my current sewing project, but I'm thinking I need some input from S because I've reached a point where I can't decide what to do. She's coming over sometime tonight... when she gets off work I think. We made that plan before knowing I would have to work tonight too, so.... I'm not sure what time I'll be seeing her.

God, I sound so shallow. At least I'm aware of what is and isn't shallow, though. (Ever think about how shallow the word 'deep' sounds?) Maybe tomorrow I'll reflect on my perception of and feelings towards 'musical theory'.

I feel a discussion about that coming on...


Sunday, February 27, 2005

we can live like Jack and Sally if we want

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
As a child, I had a reoccuring dream. It went the same every time, with me drifting out of myself as I slept in bed. This other self of me went up, and began effortlessly gliding through the night sky. I could see vague city lights below, and drifted along without any control over myself. I didn't need control, though. It was peaceful and calming, and the pale grey clouds were pretty. I'd do this all night, just going along mile after mile until suddenly I was over my house again. Then, I'd drop like a rock, down down down, going right through my roof and into myself again. A few times, when I slept on the bottom half of a bunk bed, I'd hit the upper half of it and bounce before falling through to me again. Every time, however, when I smacked back into myself, I'd jolt awake.
Now I no longer have this dream, but an evolved version of it, which is also reoccuring. In this one, under some circumstances (they change) I end up in the sky. I'm in the layers of atmosphere between clouds and space. I can see space, like a dark sheet hovering above, and see nothing below the clouds. In this, however, I have control of myself. I somehow have the power to stop myself in mid-air, and push off from unseen obstacles easily. I soar, and am able to dive up into space and back down to atmosphere again. I glide along, always with some minor purpose, pausing every once in awhile to twist myself around, flip, twirl, spin, and do anything I can think of just for this feeling of freedom and thrill. I do lose control at times, and sometimes fall beneath the clouds, seeing the earth below in great detail. It never frightens me, though, because I always seem to be confident in the idea that I can come to manage myself again. Thoughts of plummeting to the ground do cross my mind, but never worry me. Sometimes the dream ends with me reaching the ground, sometimes it doesn't.
I had one such dream last night. The circumstances in which I ended up in the sky were interesting... in fact, the whole thing was very.. interesting. In the dream, I was online... watching videos on Launch. I kept typing in different artists and songs and watching, until one came on that somehow pulled me into it. Then there I was, in the sky. I carried on as usual... just flipping around, pushing off stuff and going full speed. I did one great dive up through space for a second, came back down. A few times I went through the clouds, and paused while going down to glide back up. Then, however, something strange happened. I fell through the clouds, and kept going down for quite awhile. When suddenly I became Ben Affleck. I am not even close to kidding... dead serious. It was like I was in his body, but still well aware of the fact that it was myself. I had somehow acquired a parachute, and looked up behind me to see it half open. I looked down at my Ben Affleck self, and somehow knew that there was someone on the chute behind me that I had to get safely to ground. So we fell, fell fell fell, and ended up reaching some kind of ground which didn't make much sense to me. It was desert-like, but very steep and cliff-like. I touched down for half a second, then propelled off this little lump of earth. Suddenly my Ben Affleck self wanted to stay up longer. So I kept pushing off, trying to get back up, until I came to the edge of this... land, or whatever. I pushed off, and then there was absolutely nothing below me. So I started plummeting again, and finally could see the detailed world below. I had that vivid free-falling feeling.... something that always comes with these dreams. Kept falling, thinking about how I would land....... then I woke up.
My first thought? "Yes, another one of those... I love these dreams." My second thought? "Wait..... why the hell was I Ben Affleck?"


Saturday, February 26, 2005


Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
Look at him.... isn't he cute? So beautiful inside, so pretty in black and white.....

I just watched First Day Of My Life by Bright Eyes...... I like Bright Eyes, alot. And that's a cool video.

Got my paycheck tonight, and it was more then I expected. So that's nice. "To have more, desire less." I work more days then usual next week... and Tuesday it's just me and B. That means I'm the main hostess for the night.... and I'm in charge. I'm somewhere between 'cool' and 'crap' on that one. It shouldn't be too busy on a Tuesday, though... .I'm sure I can handle it.

A good portion of my thoughts have been consumed by ideas for different clothing designs I'm thinking about right now. In a way, it's overwhelming and frustrating.. but, in the end... something great.

Okay, well I obviously have nothing to say.


Irving Penn, Mrs. Amory Carhart, New York 1947

This morning at roughly 4 am I decided to take a quick TV break from sewing. So I curled up on the couch, set my eyes to the screen, and the next thing I knew the male parental unit was in the kitchen. The clock read 7 am. Oops... unplanned sleep. How wonderful. Then I remembered my 8 am orthodontist appointment, and opted to stay on the couch.
It wasn't long before the parental unit was making his demands to 'get up' and 'get my shit together'. I don't respond well to demands.. from anyone. So I didn't move a muscle. Besides, there was some obscure movie on Showtime with a particularly attractive french man.. who was a photographer. Need I say more?

I didn't want to leave, didn't want to budge, and found the prospect of skipping the appointment quite good. It wasn't happening, though. So I dragged my ass off the couch, and threw on my big black dirty (very dirty) hoodie. I had to pull it out of the hamper... but it's the most comfortable thing I own, and I couldn't have cared less about how I looked (or smelled) at the moment. Then I brushed my teeth (figured that might be a nice thing to do) and wiped off the old, smudgey eyemakeup. Off I went.

If you ever happen to be looking for judgemental soccer moms and their perfect little children... go to the waiting room of an orthodontic office. Every time I am guaranteed a creeped-out look, an uncomfortable glance, etc. Yet what I find remarkable about myself at this point, is that it simply doesn't phase me anymore. I've grown so used to my gothiness, that I don't have to think about it. I don't find it satisfying to get strange looks anymore, nor do they bother me. I'm just in my own little world, and it's fantastic 90% of the time. Anyway, I plopped myself down in one of the expensive waiting chairs and watched a stout middle-aged mom and her tall preppy son walk in, sign in, and sit down. He was called before me, and promptly started walking back with the overly attractive orthodontic assistant.. when I noticed his mother trailing behind him. I didn't even have a parent in the room, nor had I ever been accompanied by one to get my teeth checked. I had the thought that she was probably one of those clingy mothers, who won't allow her precious son to grow up or explore independence. Those are the worst kind of parents. You never know.. but I strongly suggest she was so.
I was called a little while after, and was led to a chair by the same overly attractive assistant. She was the kind of woman you'd see in a fashion magazine or advertisement for hair products. She made me feel like a lesbian. Not because I wanted to do her, or anything, just the fact that she was so pretty, graceful, delicate, and feminine.... while I looked dumpy, depressed, bad-postured, and lesbian-ish compared to her. I was glad when she walked away.
I then spent the next hour.... yes HOUR.. waiting there. I stared out the window at the beautiful green leaves in a bush, wanting to paint them; took a few long looks at the ceiling, flourescent lighting, and tv showing a smurf cartoon; observed myself and picked off the various dog hair and paint stains on the dirty hoodie; and did what every waiting patient in the area is forced to.....look at the walls covered with Titan, Predator, and personal golf memorabilia. The owner of this office is one of those rich middle-aged white men with the ridiculously well-formed, uppity family and consuming business. Somehow I get the feeling these people don't get into orthodontics because of a passion for manipulating teeth. He's in it for the money, and the false respect, and the wife and the kids and the American dream. He, like so many others of his kind, distracts himself from the utter ridiculousness of his material life by obsessing over a damn football team. He has plaque after plaque lining the walls, each signed by the players and coaches and crap. I feel pity for this man. Perhaps he's happy.. but it's all based on folly.

One plaque did attract my attention, though. It was of a (the?) Titan quarterback. A black football player who happened to be exquisitely beautiful. His head was shaved, and perfectly shaped for it.... he had gorgeous eyes, a pretty nose, and perfectly perfectly perfect straight white teeth, surrounded by those great black-man lips. His ears weren't too big, and his skin was a remarkable shade of medium brown. There was a full-body picture of him too, in his Titan player attire. He had an incredible body, a big plus. I saw his signature on the picture, and began contemplating his lifesyle. I ended up dreaming he probably had one of those unbelievably gorgeous young black women as a wife. She'd be twenty something, with beautiful hair and an admirably proportioned face. She'd be average height, with perfect breasts and a flat stomach and perfectly formed hips. She'd wear low-cut yet tasteful tops and well-fitted jeans, and often be seen with their toddler son in tow. You know... one of those ridiculously adorably black babies? Just a dream, I know nothing of the reality...but it certainly kept my boredom at bay.

After an hour... yes, an HOUR of waiting. (an hour in that office... what a waste of life.) The (in)famous doc came up in his jeans and dress shirt (must have been casual friday), rolled to my side in his low desk chair and asked how my retainers were fitting. The upper retainer has disappeared... but I didn't explain, just said they were fine. I didn't find the idea of a new retainer discussion desirable, so I lied. I know, I'm a horrible person.. how could I fib about a retainer, for god's sake! He then told me to "smile" "open wide" "wonderful, see you in nine months." A fucking hour, for that! I had thoughts of dicapitating every soccer mom in the place. Not their fault, but damn I was irritated.

Then the parental unit wanted to stop by Comp USA... I layed in the car and stared at a grey trunked, red budded tree.... which was undoubtedly a work of art. Then the bank... where I slumped in the car and began to sweat in my dirty hoodie. It's getting washed after this.

When we got back I went straight to bed and slept until 5:30 pm, when I was jolted awake by the fact that I was to be a work by 5pm. Got dressed quick, made it there in 3 or 4 minutes. No one cared I was late.

The night was busy, B panicked because of her first worked friday night. Unforunately we ended up with 4 hostesses there, which I found uncomfortable and superfluous. C was the other girl there... and there was something about her I didn't like, although she spoke nicely. I experienced actual embarassment for the first time in awhile. I'm talking real, wide-eyed, red-faced embarassment. Remember when I wrote about those two Johnny Depp look-alikes I had seen? Well... the second came into Bricks again today. He had shaved... and had therefore lost some of his johnny depp-ness. B and I were standing by the podium while he waited a few feet away for a take-out order he had placed. I turned to B, and made an offhand comment about him.... just an empty, meaningless, random comment, saying, "See the guy standing right behind me in the black shirt.." she nodded, "I think he is so cute. First time he came in he had facial hair and looked like johnny depp, but....." I noticed she had gotten a strange look on her face, so I stopped. "Just so you know," she said, "he heard you." Oops. "What? Are you sure?" I asked. Uhh... yeah, she was. So I stayed facing her and acted like nothing had happened... but then I turned around and there he was with that look. That look... you know what I'm talking about. The 'i just heard her say i was cute and i wasn't supposed to hear it and i'm somewhere between flattered and embarassed and surprised' look. He said something to us, and glanced at me, with my 'i'm an embarassed idiot' smile, and he couldn't help getting that same smile that goes with the look. For about 5 minutes after he left I was all wide-eyed, red-faced about it, until I realized.... well, he knows I think he's cute, so what? I got over it at that instant. Just like I said... I handle embarassment well... I can always talk myself out of it. It was just pretty funny I guess. That kind of thing never happens to me. Anyway, I ended up being let off at 8:30... an hour and a half earlier then planned. So I came home and slept again. This time until 11:30 pm, when I forced myself up because I so badly wanted to talk to T.

Now I realize I haven't eaten since around 11 pm on thursday night...... so I'm thinking I should feed myself.



Friday, February 25, 2005


Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
I'm freezing.

Thursday, February 24, 2005

catch me off gaurd

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
S just went to bed so I'm taking a break from the dress to eat something and blog. After this I'll be working on it again until around 8 am. We finished the top half of it tonight.... torso, upper and lower sleeves, borders, and leather faux binding on the back. I've just begun hemming the under skirt, which won't take long to finish, as it's just an apron type thing to tie under the dress and fill in the front opening of the skirt. Then once the full skirt is done, all that remains is some quick beading and it will be fini. It looks fantastic now... and I plan to keep it so.

Saw the finale of Project Runway tonight... and was glad to see Jay win. I definitely think he deserved it. I loved his line.. and would have worn quite a few pieces from it. He has a great artistic approach, I think, and was probably the best person out of the final three. Kara Saun will probably make it on her own now, with all the talent she has. As for Wendy..... god, I hope she fails miserably in life. What a conniving bitch. I think the best way to go about winning that show, is to rely on your talent, and not so much on manipulation of your competition.

Gotta work tomorrow at 6. I'm not much looking forward to it... I'm just so tired from my half of the week with S, and constant sewing. Takes more energy for that than for staring at the computer screen for hours on end. I mean, you actually have to use your brain.

well... i guess I'm done.

~missing T, missing T, missing T, as always...~

Wednesday, February 23, 2005

that doesn't sound healthy

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
I've been up for 22 hours. Since 4 yesterday. 17 have been spent sewing.


and I have to be up at 8 for project runway with S. She's been here since...... when? Saturday? Sunday.? It seems to have all run together.


but the dress is beautiful


Tuesday, February 22, 2005


Originally uploaded by Pancakes.

uR iDeaL mAN

Created by dReaMinOvParAdIse and taken 16 times on bzoink!

smaL dEtaIls:
hiz hair iz:black
Hiz eyez r:brown or hazel
hIz sKin Iz:pale
where would he take u (on ur 1st date)?to Starbucks, then the park at night to lay on picnic tables (or the hood of his car) and watch the stars and talk
(acidemicly) he would specilize in:art
(athleticly) his "sport" iz:um, maybe something cool like rugby?
tHis oR tHat:(hiz looks)
blonde or dark (hair)dark
brown or blue (eyes)brown
short or talltall
comedy or drama (hes into)drama
broadway or ESPN (ud rather c him on)broadway
funny or serious (personality)both

Create a Survey Search Surveys Go to bzoink!

I don't want to skip a post, so here's a quickie. It's 9:44 am... I should really be getting to bed.
S and I got into looking at costumes online the other night, and found a bunch of Renaissance stuff. Then earlier we got inspired and decided to make one of our own. I haven't been online since I got up, because she and I were working on it all night. It's turning out wonderfully, though... fits her like a glove. A very pretty, well made, renaissance-y glove.
I'm all interested in sewing now... I wasn't quite aware I could do it so well. I delved into the project half expecting it to turn out horribly lopsided and cheap looking, but it isn't at all. It's beautiful. Now I have ideas for all sorts of things I could make. (like...... pirate coats??)

Anyway, life is surprisingly good right now. I'm looking forward to tonight, since it's B's first day at Bricks. It's fun to know she's probably all nervous right now. I'm so glad I get to train her.

I'm finding I can be pretty good at instructing if my heart's in it. Like earlier while doing the dress, S had never sewn a stitch, so I gave her a hem to to do and showed her how to go about it... and it turned out very well. She learned something........ that was cool.
I teach myself well, too. Yay... good chance of surviving homeschool.

Anyway, must sleep before tonight.

Goodbye all....
(miss you, T) ~AA

Monday, February 21, 2005


Originally uploaded by Pancakes.

Random Shit

Created by sirius88 and taken 13 times on bzoink!

The Enevitable;; Name?Annie
Astrology Sign?Leo
Chinise Zodiac?Snake
Arithmancy Number?7,6,1
Birthday, year?1989
Fastest Speed You've Drove?60 mph
Favourite Car?mini coop
Most Influentional Historical Figure?Edgar Allan Poe
Favourite Subject?art/creative writing
Play an Instrument? What?no
Genre of Music You Enjoi?mostly all, esp Indie
Best Book?The Piano
Best Movie?Edward Scissorhands, The Piano, and The Notebook
Celebrity?Johnny Depp
Would you change this about your current living situation

Create a Survey | Search Surveys | Go to bzoink!

Brownies. Brownies are good.

I'm so psyched... I got the best friend B a job at Bricks. D bossman asked if I had any friends that needed a job.. and she had told me a few days before she was going to apply there... so I gave him her name and stuff. He hired her today, and said he'd put her on Tuesday, Thursday, and Friday at 6... with me. "So, you can just follow her around," he said. I get to train her! Sweet.

I've felt wierd today. I'm not happy, but not depressed, but not content... I'm just really off center and groping for something to balance me out.

i need to find it.


we say
I love you
now when
we say goodbye
each felt
each known each
mostly understood
and I fear
like the
chill of haunting
the day
it becomes a
habit when
the slightest analytical
mindset fails
to surface and
we mouth
it as only
a chore
for the day
it becomes
routine is the
day our
truth ends passion
halts and
I strive to


Saturday, February 19, 2005


Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
"keep Alex Grey's artwork off your shitty little journal."
I'll post whatever the hell I want. If you don't like it stop wasting your precious time here and fuck off.

Oh my god... waiter Ge the cute one cut his hair. From sexy and messy to short and clean-cut. Destroyed.

What keeps me alive:
There's a Grandfather's Clock in the Hall

There's a grandfather's clock in the hall, watch it closely. THe minute
hand stands still, then it jumps, and in between jumps there is
And you are a child again watching the reflection of early morning
sunlight on the ceiling above your bed,

Or perhaps you are fifteen feet under water and holding your breath as
you atruggle with a rock-snagged anchor, or holding your breath
just long enough for one more long, slow thrust to make the orgasm
really intolerable,
Or you are wondering why you really do not give a damn, as they trundle
you off to the operating room,

Or your mother is standing up to get married and is very pretty, and
excited and is a virgin, and your heart overflows, and you watch her
with tears in your eyes, or
She is the one in the hospital room and she is really dying.

They have taken out her false teeth, which are now in a tumbler on the
beside table, and you know that only the undertaker will ever put
them back in.
You stand there and wonder if you weill ever have to wear false teeth.

She is lying on her back, and God, is she ugly, and
With gum-flabby lips and each word a special problem, she is asking if it is
a new suit that you are wearing.

You say yes and hate her uremic guts, for she has no right to make you
hurt the way that question hurts.
You do not know why that question makes your heart hurt like a kick in
the scrotum,

For you do not yet know that the question, in its murderous triviality, is
the last thing she will ever say to you,
Nor know what baptism is occurring in a sod-roofed hut or hole on the
night-swept steppes of Asia, and a million mouths, like ruined stars in
darkness, make a rejoicing that howls like wind, or wolves,

Nor do you know the truth, which is: Seize the nettle of innocence in
both your hands, for this is the only way, and every
Ulcer in love's lazaret may, like a dawn-stung gem, sing-or even burst
into whoops of, perhaps, holiness.

But, in any case, watch the clock closely. Hold your breath and wait.
Nothing happens, nothing happens, then suddenly, quick as a wink, and
slick as a mink's prick, Time thrusts through the time of no-Time.

Robert Penn Warren


Friday, February 18, 2005


Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
I wore a skirt and heels to work tonight. Bad idea. I was told I looked nice by several people.... but I was hobbling by the end of the night. I knew I'd pay for it, but I wore them anyway. Why? I have no idea. Maybe I subconsciously like the pain.
But consciously, I miss my boots.

Okay, so I figure I should get myself a bathing suit when they start selling. I haven't worn one in over a year, and I'm not a particular fan of swimming, but... somehow, why not? It may still be winter, but summer months aren't too far off. I don't currently own one... and I haven't the slightest clue as to what happened to my old one. I figure you never know when it would come in handy, though... and the best friend S has a hot tub. :) I don't remember one time that I've worn a bathing suit and not been self-conscious about something.. whether it be my skinny legs, lack of a butt, my torso, or tiny boobs.. but, that was a while ago... and things have changed somewhat over time. So I really don't know what the experience would be like now. I don't even have a clue as to what style I would want. Not a one piece, that's just too much.. and not a string bikini, that's just too little. I've never liked the ones with skirt-like bottoms, so maybe shorts? I've read a few times that a bandeau top in a bold pattern helps out with the small chest factor... and I have nice shoulders, so that would work, but do I really want to show so much of my middle? I mean, I do crunches... my abs are fine, but... that's the one thing I really worry about. Then of course it would have to be black or black and something striped... I couldn't bring myself to abandon my gothiness. Then, I always find the damn things are ridiculously expensive. I always think, "You want me to pay $40 for this scrap of fabric?" and that's just for the top... bottoms priced separately.? ~sigh~

Oh yeah.. heh, this may sound a teensy bit strange... but yesterday I was playing the sims, and got a little bored with the families. So, I decided to make my sim self.. and it ended up looking like me... pretty much. So I had my long black hair, but I decided to play around with different styles. I gave myself a mohawk.. which was cool, and a few other things... but then I did what I've had on my mind, which is shorter red hair. I gasped when it switched from the long black to medium fiery red.... I looked so much better. I was just like... crap. My change to black hair was a bit of a downgrade. :( Now I want to do it red again... plus I know T liked it better that way. But, I've been working on this hair for so long.... trying to grow it out. If I have the black bleached out it will damage my hair, and I'll have to cut it shorter. So I'm still a bit undecided. I have a picture of myself back when I had that great red hair... it was taken right after I colored it. I did it two nights before my sister's wedding... going from plain brown with blonde highlights to the edgy bright red. It was awesome, though... since I had the highlights, parts were this deep red and other parts were much brighter. :'( I want that back! But I don't! I don't know what to do!


Thursday, February 17, 2005


Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
It's been a good day. A good day indeed. I walked to work, and it was great, to say the least. I left wishing I had a cd or mp3 player to bring along, but ended up being glad I didn't. The weather was nearly perfect. The only downfall was the abundance of sun, but the temperature was ideal... just on the line between cold and warm, and the air had this amazing feel to it. Perhaps I was just extra appreciative today, considering that I haven't been outside at all in many weeks, besides walking to and from cars a few times. None the less, everything was beautiful.
I was wearing T's old black hoodie, baggy black pants, and black boots.... and was carrying a black bag with my work clothes in it. It wasn't long before I realized I could have very well resembled a runaway. My thought was solidified when a neighbor pulled over and asked where I was going with this worried tone, then nearly demanded I let her give me a ride... as if I was lying to her about my destination. ~sigh~ That's what you get when you cross paths with a soccer mom. I happen to be enjoying the day, I'm comfortable walking, and I feel good in my black... now leave me alone. I'm no goth girl on the run.

That wasn't the only human encounter. I also passed this small group of kids... perhaps 11 or 12 years old... skateboarding next to Hillsboro Road. There was this wide dip in the pavement, by the big white wall lining the right side. They were skating through it, back and forth. Keep in mind it wasn't more then 4 or 5 feet from the road... which happens to be a constant flow of fast traffic. It looked like a pretty stupid idea to me. I just kept to myself and walked on by, but I heard them mocking me once I was a few feet away. I was so at peace, though, that suprisingly enough... instead of giving them the finger or throwing back a curse or even feeling hurt.. I just smiled and laughed at them for being dweebs, and hoped one lost control of their board and slipped, hence careening towards deadly traffic.

Throughout my walk I had some really great thoughts, and just observed everything around me. Plus, turns out it's only a little over half an hour to get to Bricks. I had to be there at 5, had left at 4, and had plenty of time to change and put on makeup.. which I did in the Publix bathroom. I brought my work clothes instead of walking in them.. I wasn't sure if I'd get hot during the walk... and who wants to start work in already funky clothes and sweaty makeup? Eww.

The work night was busy, but I had a fine time. I did get a little pissed with hostess H, though. She was nothing but a complete slacker tonight.. plus she got me yelled at for her not listening. It went like this.... 12 people came in and were seated in waiter D's section. 12 is alot of people to wait on at once... and they weren't even the nicest bunch. Normally we wouldn't have seated him again for a little while.. just to give him time. It should have been understood... and then D came up to me and told me to make sure he wasn't seated again. I went up front and ran into H, who was on her way to seat 4 in D's section, so I told her clearly..."D just told me to not seat him at all since he just got that 12." She stopped for a second... obviously hearing what I had said, and then believe it or not, said, "~sigh~ Eugh, well... too bad!" and sat him anyway. Sure enough, along came D, very upset, yelling at me... "I JUST told you not to seat me!!" "I know," I said, "I told H, but she did it anyway. I'm sorry!" When she came back I thought not to say anything, but went ahead.. "Well, you just got ME yelled at." She had the balls to act surprised. "What? Why?" she said. "Because you sat those people after I told you what D said." All she said was, "Oh." Then when he came to the front and told her himself, she acted like she hadn't known he had asked to not be seated. I wanted to strangle the bitch. And bitch is no simple name-calling.. .it's a fact. All she does is whine and complain about every tiny little thing she can think of... most of the time she's just plain mean.

Somehow I managed to keep my good spirits intact, though. It was like nothing could really get to me.. I kept myself content. D was really nice to me the rest of the night.. I think he may have felt bad about what he did.

I got off a bit early, and ordered a sandwich to go. They're food is so good. I walked there on an empty stomach, worked on an empty stomach... and now I sit devouring my half off reward. mmmmmmmmmmm.... chicken.


Wednesday, February 16, 2005

nothing special

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
I want to be there.. wherever she is. I don't want to be her... I don't want to wear that dress... I just want to be there looking out those windows. No photographer, though. I'd prefer to be utterly alone.

Which doesn't make much sense, even to me... considering that not 3 minutes ago I was feeling somewhat lonely. I was wishing for some company to join my empty night... one of many. Night after night after night I spend alone, here in the dark with a notebook and computer screen.

I had company, but they left. Time always has to do that, doesn't it? Every moment of companionship or contentment has to end eventually. Whether it be the night's late hour, the day's end, a miracle, a tragedy, a life change, or the absolute.. death.

Tonight after the movie, I hugged goodbye the most precious living person to me, said goodnight to my sister and brother in law, and locked the door... locked them away to their own lives. We intertwined our 3 hours, small increments of our limited time. A sacrifice unconsidered... mostly.

I found myself here, in a silent, dark house. Comforting, yet unsettling.. each in their own ways. I walked back into what I have, what is mine... a dilapitated room littered with splinters of artwork thrown about day to day, each encompassing my heart, while carelessly produced. I caught my image in the mirror.. the same pale, brittle goth girl I vow to never leave behind. I remember I'm pretty, and I remember I'm alive, and I remember I'm leaning on my inner strength alone.


Tuesday, February 15, 2005

bitter loving tears

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
My parents rented The Notebook. I absolutely love, and absolutely hate that movie. It's beautiful... and mindblowing... and it brings me to tears. Yet it's depressing... and worrying... and it brings me to tears. I first saw it with S at the downtown theater... and cried my eyes out for the first time in months and months and months. I had and still have this thing where I just don't let myself cry for or about anything.
So I watched it again this morning before I went to bed.. and cried again. It's just that last scene that really gets you. I didn't expect it to be the same the second time around, but sure enough.. there I was.. clutching my pillow and busting out... wiping away the little salty deposits slipping from my eyes.
It probably has alot to do with the fact that it's a love story with some sort of resolution. It's not open-ended, really. I mean, in a sense it is, but it doesn't leave you without a clue as to how long they're together or what they do with their lives after the whole 'ending up together' thing. Too many movies do that... leave the story with so much more to tell.
I want to watch it again. and again. and again. and again. But right now my father's watching it in the other room.. and it makes me feel wierd. A little antsy, and upset. Even hearing it from a distance makes me emotional.

Now I have another favorite actor, though. Ryan Gosling... who plays Noah in The Notebook. I saw him in The United States of Leland. That was an enchanting performance, too. In Leland, I love how he encompassed that teenage angst and repression, and mental shift. In notebook, I love how he expressed the character's sexuality on different levels and conveyed that true, undying love for Ally. He's brilliant, beautiful.... and the master of heartwarming and heartwrenching facial expressions.

See The Notebook...... Now.


Pretty Chicken!!!

Frederick Sommer, Chicken, 1939
Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
Someone wrote that on a table paper tonight. Need I say more?

It's late on Valentine's night...... just think how many people are having sex right now.

...I jolted upright out of bed at exactly 4:49 PM today. I had to be at work by 5. To say I dressed faster than I ever have before in my life, would be an understatement. I came tumbling out of my room and yelled down the hall, "Guess what! I have to be at work by 5!" "You have to work tonight!?" I heard back......... yeah.
After furiously shoving my makeup into pockets, I found my mother and sister sitting casually at the counter. "M will take you," my mother said. "Okay," I said, "well let's go and let's speed."
I made it there with a few minutes to spare.

It was wicked busy tonight... and I've never seen more people in red. It was nice, though... male B came around to see me after the rush... and came bearing valentine's gifts. It was a little bear in a black cape, mask, and hat holding a box of chocolate which read, "Kiss Bandit." That was sweet of him.

I crashed on the couch when I got home, and somehow got stuck watching Celebrity Fit Club. I don't know why I subjected myself to that... but I must say, it did make me feel pretty damn good about myself. Compared to these people I'm a twig.

Okay... so there's nothing else to say. I am reading something right now, though.... a book called The Thin Woman. (Hah.. how fitting.) It's pretty good. Could be a bit deeper or something, but... it entertains. I am interested to find out what the treasure tied to the house is, and if they both reach their goals, and if she gets him in the end.
Gotta love being vague.


Monday, February 14, 2005


Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
I got up at 4pm today just to call Bricks and get my hours for the week. I talked to waitress H. I really don't like her. I find I'm not the only one. Last night after the rush all us hostesses were standing around when I heard one saying, "She's just... intimidating, I guess. I mean, I hate that I let her get to me, but, she's just too controlling." I managed to chime in, and asked who she was talking about. Sure enough, waitress H. So she's mean to everyone, not just me. That's encouraging, I guess... in a way. Anyway, I talked to her, got my hours, made it through the exchange alive. She is just so fake... so fake it's sickening. The conversation reminded me of one of my many quirks, though.
I absolutely hate being called any of the following: sweetie, honey, babe/baby, doll, darling, or girl, and anything related. It never happened in school... I was never plagued with one of those insufferable people that would say, "Oh sweetie, let me help you with that." Or whatever. The last time I remember being called that by a friend was years ago, when I reunited with my best friend from kindergarten. I haven't seen her since.
My family isn't cutesy like that, thank god. I think I remember my mother calling me honey every once in awhile, but it's worn off..... again, thank god. Now, however, at work.. there are two people that stand out in this respect. Waiter N.. who I like. He's nice, he's funny... yeah, but every time we cross paths in some way, he'll say, "Thanks honey." or "Excuse me, sweetie." Or something like that. Then there's waitress H. Her thing, is girl. "Thanks girl." "Hey what's up, girl." "Bye, girl." "Sorry, girl." Oooohhhhhh.... I just wanna scream. Each time I hear one of those little words, my mood darkens. My thoughts turn against them in half a second.
I can't exactly say why this is. I just don't take it affectionately. Somehow I associate it in a demeaning way... like I'm being mocked.
In fact, the only time I use the words is when I talk to my cat. Say she falls off the ironing board... I grab her up, bury my face in her fur and say, "Oh, my precious baby kitty sweet-ums pie!!"
I'm just wierd.


Saturday, February 12, 2005

fuck it... my theme for the night

I got to work about half an hour early today, so I walked myself over to the nearby Publix. I had no money and no desire to buy anything.. so I opted to spend the time at the magazine racks. I found the Rolling Stone for the month.... the exquisite, wonderful issue donning the ever-lovable Johnny Depp. The man is just ridiculously beautiful, sexy, and appealing... not just his looks, but his attitude, character, and approach to life and acting. I'd be his slave... if you know what I mean. I've made two trips over there to read that article on him.. and it's so long I have yet to be able to finish it. Ok, so maybe I just spend too much time staring at the pretty pictures, but... who can blame me? I quote dearest Johnny's wise mantra in response to any complaints, "Fuck it."

I worked with the same hostess tonight as yesterday... but she was unbelievably uppity and happy this time. She's usually in a bad mood and tends to complain (in an amusing, tolerable way), but I witnessed her drastic change. I just laughed at her alot, and Waiter N asked what she was on. Good question.

So.... it's almost Valentine's Day. Heh.. that reminds me. Bricks made menus for the 'specials' served on Valentine's weekend.. we were supposed to give them to the customers when they came in. Everyone read over them in their spare time, but when I did.. I noticed what should have been, "Valentine's Weekend Specials" was misspelled, "Valnetine's Weekend Specials." I mentioned it to a couple people.. and apparently I was the only one there who noticed. Guess it didn't matter... but if I were the boss that would have pissed me off. Anyway, that's not the point... Valentine's Day. I don't have a Valentine, I don't think. (Actually, that just changed. It's T! haha) It seems like no one really cares, though. Whether they're with someone or not, have a date or not, whatever... no one cares. Apparently everyone hates this holiday. I wouldn't say I hate it... I just don't really notice. I will take advantage of all the crap they're trying to sell us, though. After the big day all those leftover boxes of chocolates will go on sale.. and I plan on buying myself one, or two. I probably don't deserve it, but hey... "Fuck it."

Alot of people are talking about lent right now. (Did I spell that right? Is it supposed to be capitalized? Ah.... "Fuck it.") I've never really dealt with lent before. It wasn't until maybe a couple years ago that I even heard about it or figured out what it was. I know some people that give stuff up for it... like sugar, or carbs, or stupid stuff like that. Do you really think god cares that you drink coke? I think most people couldn't care less about the religious significance... seems to me their just in it for the fun of the whole 'giving something up' act. (Which rarely lasts the 40 days.) Honestly, though.. I don't think you'll go to hell for eating chocolate. Even if you 'promised god' you wouldn't... I'm sure he has much more important things to deal with at the moment. Maybe it isn't my place to comment.. I don't know anything about it... but I can think what I want. Sorry if I offend.. (haha... Do I offend!?).. I know I have a negative attitude. I think I just have a natural negative attitude towards anything religious now. I just dislike the fact that so many people need this lent thing to get them thinking about themselves and their faults. They should be more aware all the time. Resolutions should be made anytime of the year... and I'm not fond of the fact that so many attach those to new year's and lent or whatever. So I'm shutting up now. That's all I really have to do, just keep my mouth shut and remember, "Fuck it." Why should I care if I offend? Nothing matters and everyone will get over it.

I did my hair last night.. and there is a slight difference. I'm probably the only one who sees it, though. The roots are covered, and the ends are black again, but I seem to have missed one bright red streak in the back. Oh well... fuck it.

A Question
Due to a rare glitch in the space/time continuum, you are given an extra day that nobody else knows about. It belongs solely to you, to use as you please, without explanation or guilt or justification.

How do you spend it?

I'd spend the first half of the day in deep thought, contemplating how the hell that happened to me. Then I'd realize, hey.. fuck it, and write about it. Maybe read a book or rent a movie.

( He went to a casting call for The Apprentice. I'm not a big fan, but my sister loves that show. It would be awesome if he made it.

k ,bye


k bye

Friday, February 11, 2005

I’m begging you to be my escape.

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
It's been a good night. A very good night. T came into Bricks.... that made my week! I couldn't get that smile off my face for an hour.

I talked to the best friend B a second ago... who I haven't seen since I left school. It sucks... she and I have been so close for years. It's cool, though... she was telling me that she's applying at Bricks sometime this weekend. I'm not sure if they're still hiring right now... but, hey.. I really hope she gets in. It would be awesome to work with her.

I bought myself some hair color tonight.... and of course I was running low on time before my ride home got there... and of course I picked the one thing in the store that would screw up in self check-out. I got ten bucks off my dad to pay for that... and kept the $4 change... woo hoo. But hey, that's $4 to my future. Anyway, yeah.. I'm doing my hair sometime tonight. I don't feel like asking or waiting on getting it done by my sister... plus she doesn't work in the same salon as before... plus I'm not spending money on anything... plus, umm.... it's probably a waste of time. I'm going to have to color over the red streaks, but oh well.. I can live without them. The color I got is 'blue-black' this time instead of instead of 'black pearl.' I wonder if it will make a difference. I wish I could just touch up the roots, but there's the red.. and the ends are faded to a dark brown, so I'm just planning on covering it. Unhealthy for the hair... but... a sacrifice for my dark obsessions, eh?

Got my paycheck tonight... yay.

S, I still need my curling iron back..... don't forget~~~ my braids failed last night. I used to be able to braid it all up and sleep in it, then take it out and have wavy, kinky hair. It must be growing out too long and getting too heavy for that, or something.

I wish I had something interesting to write about right now... really, trust me, I do. I sound so pointless and empty right now... Bricks! Hair! What can you do, though? There's phases of zero life contemplation.

Ooh.... fudge ripple in the freezer.

au revoir mon amis

Thursday, February 10, 2005


Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
Andy, you fool.... Blane didn't love you. You should have chosen Duckie. He was wonderful, and beautiful, and strange, and different, and creative, and funny, and he loved you. He even danced for you in the record store. He rode his bike by your house every day. The boy was adorable. Why? Why did you go after Blane? So maybe he dissed his rich friends for you, but really... is that enough? How long did you know the guy, a week? He wasn't even cute. Duckie stuck by your side for years. Didn't that mean anything to you?

Sorry, but I watched the movie three times last night. I so would have chosen Duckie... from the very beginning.

Okay, anyway. It's been awhile since I've skipped a post.. but I didn't even come near the computer yesterday. I got up at 8 pm and spent about 13 hours on the couch with S watching whatever we could find on TV. Then I slept until it was time for work, and wasn't back until 9:30 or something. It's been a weird week, though. Tonight at work I just felt completely drained, and for some reason, worthless. I just stood there and did my job, but disliked hostess K for being a control freak, and felt incredibly depressed. For a couple hours I just felt like collapsing in tears somewhere in the restaurant. Besides that, I was also desperately missing T, and kept feeling like if he were at least within eyesight I would have felt a million times better. Why is that? I think I was just feeling greatly vulnerable and weak... and it was safety I needed.

A surprising number of asshole customers came in tonight. K was in control of the seating chart for most of the night, but still decided to take her time while directing people to tables, so I always got stuck up there with cranky customers not knowing where to put them... thus having to deal with their mindless complaints. You'd tell them there was a wait, and they'd say... over and over, "well what about all these empty tables right here!?" "I'm sorry sir/ma'am, but those seat 6 and we aren't aloud to seat under 5 there. Since you only have 2/3/4, there's nothing I can do. It'll only be a 10-15 minute wait." But of course, they're too special for that... and insist on standing there up in your face, eyeing the empty tables like they know exactly what's going on. Yeah, like I'm plotting against you, the evil conniving hostess. (Of course, I'm perfectly capable of that, but.. hey, I just want a paycheck... I'll do my job right.) One guy... ooohhh I was about to wring his neck. Know-it-all jackass with 3 obnoxious kids. One guy screamed at me, "This place sucks!" and stormed out the door. Yes, real mature, sir. I was just doing what I was told.. and I had no idea who he was or what he was waiting for, but it wasn't my business. I just looked at him, kept walking to seat the other people, and thought, "Well thank you, sir, but fuck you. I guess we'll have to give the table we just finished cleaning for you to someone else, ass." People..... I hate them.
The only highlight of the night was waiter G, (not Ge the cute one, but Ga, the cool one), who was in a good mood and therefore was entertaining, and nice to me. Near the end of the night I was bussing two tables for him, and he stopped me and said, "Don't tell K, but here.." and slipped me $5 from his tips. "Annie, you're amazing." ~relieved sigh and a smile that stuck for awhile~ thank you.


Wednesday, February 09, 2005

"I just don't see how an egg can be optional!"

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
It happens to me quite often. I'll be in the act of something not requiring concentration... say, brushing my teeth or, whatever.. when I get some random inspiration point. Then I'll get lost in this whole written composition I put together in my head, of good points and funny remarks and witty comments and interesting observations. Like yesterday, it was bathrooms ~anything involving the toilet is off limits to your questioning~. Today, it was which sex has the upper hand with arousal ~no inoppurtune boners here~. Then it turned into writing about how I come up with the things I write about. In fact, nearly every word here went through my head hours ago. What was I doing? Washing my face, I think.
Anyway, I'm not saying that my every blog entry is planned in advance. Usually I just go for it... upload a pic and start thinking.

I haven't abandoned my sex dreams study... I've been researching. I've found six sites with info... many more to follow, I'm sure. Then I need to get to the library... dream books, sex books, dream sex books,.... uh, psychology books, human brain books maybe? Anything. I was reminded, though... as I was already considering, but it made a point.. that through different sources it's likely all subjective. Hmm... still deeply interesting to me, though... and, well.. we'll see.

The other day when S was here, we were on the couch in conversation during one of those movies, and I mentioned seeing Ethan Hawke on inside the actor's studio... since Bravo seems to be the only station NOT showing infomercials or porn at 3 AM. I'm surprised... I like him. How did it take me so long to discover him? He was married to Uma Thurman. () Anyway, he talked about how he got his start by being in an acting class and being offered a part in something. I told S how I thought it would be so interesting to take an acting class... and how she and I could do that together. How fun would that be? I've never really had an interest with acting.... never done drama... never considered it much. But, I'm beginning to recognize it as an art. Yes, I've always heard that... actors (real, good actors) referring to it as an art... actors being described as 'artistic in their approach.' But, I've just never really seen it.. no consideration. I'm seeing more of it now. I by no means want to dedicate my life to it or go to hollywood (if that's even a part of the art of moviemaking anymore)... I'd just like to learn more about it and expose myself to that new idea. So, I'm going to look into acting classes and see what I can do. I may not have the personality for it, persay... but I can pull anything off if I put my mind to it.


Tuesday, February 08, 2005

oh women,

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.

us complex creatures.
I'm in considerable discomfort at the moment. I hate my father more than usual, feel like curling up in a corner to hide for a week, and want chocolate. The only positive feeling I sense is that I've discovered I actually have bigger boobs than someone (pic).... it's a miracle!

Yet, boobs are good... boobs are nice... I thank the creator of boobs, and I'm sure every male human being can relate. They're beautiful, they're attractive, and at times can make a girl feel awfully good about herself. But, for the women... creator, why insist on making the mounds of flesh so sensitive to PAIN!!!!!!! and why do so many bras itch?

ah... estrogen..... emotional rollercoaster. Time to break down in tears.

I'm really quite a controlled person, though. Im' quiet, and think before I speak.... I maintain my anger or irritation and don't make a scene about something unimportant. But really, I think it's just part of being female that has inevitably afflicted me... drama. Every once in a while... it's bound to populate my viens, however briefly.

Really, all I need is a year's supply of hersheys, a couch, and a big soft blanket. Just don't say anything.


Okay, change of topic.It was nice and slow at work today.. so hostess H and I just got to hang around. I cleaned maybe 2 tables the whole night. I ended up coloring styrofoam cups with the crayons... H joined in. S came over there when I got off, and we sat in the car... resulting in our ever-interesting conversation. She had girlscout cookies (double chocolate... oh yeah) and I got a chance to point out and gawk at waiter G when he took a smoke break out in front. I'm sorry... but that boy is beautiful. Dark messy hair. And he smokes... ~shiver~. ANYWAY, yeah... so we stalked him a bit, and talked, and she drove me home and we ended up watching Meryl Streep movies on AMC. Death Becomes Her, and something else... I dunno, whatever. It was fun. I made us waffles.

By the way, my wierdness quotient is 100... according to some online quiz thing.

Okay, is it not ridiculous that I have 32 blogs in my favorites? I've wondered why and believe I've come to quite a reasonable explanation. There's simply a shortage of interesting people on the planet. I can't seem to find them. When I do, they become my friends, (yes... all 4 of them), but the rest just prove so.. routine. SO predictable. Isn't it better when you know someone well enough to understand and predict their wierdness? I like interesting people. I feel the need to discover and know more of them. So, blogs have provided a new window for that. It's so easy, and doesn't even require conversation. Yay! Here, I give you links to my daily read blogs, all 32. (I love feb 6, 'dude-ing'! haha.. I'll use that now. (Find and read Hell's Burgers on there... feb 2, I think. It's great. (Bro-in-law!!!) (preppy but smart... and surprisingly entertaining.. to me, at least.) (the last remaining blog I read belonging to a former school peer, [besides best friend C], J just doesn't bring back any bad memories.) (T!! dearest, dearest, wonderful T!!!) (T's other) (best friend S!) (S's other... the mystery, wil she ever update again?) (Awesome photograph talent here, I once emailed him for advice.) (best friend C) (seems like this will be cool.... if he ever updates) (I'm not sure where I found this or why I read it.... maybe a friend of T's? eh.. whatever) (more good photography) (dalmation!) (gets a little too religious for my taste, at times... but I continue reading. audio posts, too.) (T's nephew's pics,,, right? yes, I believe so. So very surprisingly cute... coming from someone who keeps distance from children.) (i like his sense of humor) (i don't know why I read this) (nor this) (not as funny as intended, but a good idea)

k, bye ~B

Sunday, February 06, 2005

I'm beginning an independent study of sex dreams.

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.

Last night I thought alot about sex dreams. I know you're probably asking, why? Earlier in the day I was reading a blog which linked to a story written about a woman's blog, and her detailed accounts of sexual encounters. With her writings, she quickly attracted a massive number of daily readers. She related that, in fact, sex sells.

So I began to consider the sexual references in most blogs I read, (very little), and the amount portrayed in mine, (slim to none). I suppose that would mainly be due to my lack of experiences. Then, despite the fact that I could very well muse over and write every steamy detail of the entire 4, maybe 5 encounters I've had, I wouldn't want to offend or upset the very few readers who would mind. Yet again, I must also say that among my 4, maybe 5 encounters, none have risen to very much more than a sexy wrestle or heavy makeout, resulting in two bodies without much left unconsidered. I couldn't even say I was particularly passionate about any, though. So where would the interest and worthwhile be?

A question I propose to myself, is; if in fact I was involved in regular full sex encounters, would I expose them to the world wide web? Actually, probably not. I can't say I take sex lightly. At it's best, I consider it to be something deep, loving, and exclusive. Also, something not only physically satisfying, but mentally and emotionally as well.

The point of this, however, is sex DREAMS. I believe them to be significantly more innocent. So, in my consideration of these sex matters, I came to the realization that although I couldn't/wouldn't write about my sex, I could indeed write about my sex dreams. Yes, I have them. (Who doesn't?) They may not be a frequent occurence, but they certainly exist in my mental dream diary. Among my mulling over the topic, I formed some very interesting points. I don't think these dreams are really what they seem.

I've shared the dreams as a topic of conversation with three or four people. I've discovered through these, that people have these dreams about many others, including friends, enemies, relatives, current and ex boyfriends/girlfriends/significant others, people they barely know, celebrities, and even unrecognizable men/women. They have them about people of both the opposite and same sex, and also about those they love, hate, or have no feeling for. I know a girl who had one about her father, another who dreamed about her sister, and another who described having one about each of her ex- boyfriends.

I find it strange for myself, in that among the sex dreams I've had, most haven't been about people I actually wanted to have them about. The first I remember was about a boy I barely knew, and actually disliked. I've had one about a relative, and a few about close friends, all including members of both sexes. I've had one in which I was forced into submission, one in which I was willingly dominated, one in which I did the dominating, and others equally balanced. I've never had one about a boyfriend, and only a couple about men I liked or was strongly attracted to. How does that make sense?

This is why I wouldn't be quick to assume that this dream sex, always represents actual sex. Perhaps it relates to other forms of union; maybe confidence, jealousy, or myriads of other emotions, conflicts, or relationships. Maybe it relates to not only sexual excitement, but satisfaction and pleasure in other forms. They may not be about sex at all, but only seem that way on the surface. Like I said, it may be something deeper, formed through psychological associations.

There are so many things to consider. Like the settings of the dreams, for one. The majority I've heard, and experienced, took place in bedrooms. The only other I can relate is one I had which occured in my elementary school gymnasium in a large glass box. Not only that, but the box was surrounded by spectators. These sex dreams are complex things, to say the least.

Although my dreams have included both sexes, and have taken place in some awkward settings, I consider myself sexually balanced. I have a healthy view of it, and am confident in and have an understanding of my sexuality. This just adds on to my drive to wonder about it all. Why do I and people I know, have sex dreams about relatives, and friends whom with we share no such relationship and don't wish to? Why do we have the dreams about the same sex when none consider ourselves homosexual?

I realize there's so much to include. Like perhaps sex dreams mean different things to each sex. I remember 5th grade puberty ed, and the counseler who told us females that boys have sex dreams about girls when they reach a certain age. So, therefore, at first I associated the dreams with sex drive, lust, and horny teenage boys. Overtime, however, I have of course come to find that males and females, both teenagers and adults, have the dreams. Then again, there may be a difference between sex dreams and wet dreams. (Well, yes, I know... but I'm talking MENTAL consideration here.) So my question remains, do the sexes associate them differently? Do ages/maturity associate them differently? Is it more physical/lust driven for one age/sex and more mental/psychological driven for another? What about rape coming into the picture? Whether being terrorized and viciously fought by it in the dream, or submitting to it, or even in one case I've heard of, enjoying it. Also, what about the type of sex in each dream, or positions? What about indoor, outdoor, group, orgy, or car sex? One person I spoke to mentioned zero gravity. What about water being incorporated, such as pools or baths? Is it possible that each could mean something different? Are we experiencing deeply psychological storylines in our sex dreams... or are we all just twisted freaks?

I intend to find out.

~A. Arnold

Saturday, February 05, 2005


Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
Tonight has been alright. Work went well... very busy again. I got my schedule for next week.... even more hours. I think everyone there likes me pretty well. I'm a much better work person than school person.. work just makes sense to me, and I put my best into it. School and I... just not compatable.

I've seen two Johnny Depp look-alikes in the past two days around Bricks. The first looked just like him in the face... and had his same facial hair, hair color... style, but he was just a bit taller and just a bit thinner. He was walking out of Publix as I was driving past... I just turned around and stared. Then today a guy came into Bricks. I wasn't paying attention.. looking down at hostess J who was looking for crayons, when he said, somewhat quietly, "Hi." Nice soft, passive voice. I looked up, and probably got a slightly surprised look on my face... just like, ~johnny!..kinda~ His hair had more red in it, and he was probably about an inch shorter or so. He worked at Blockbuster, and his nametag said 'Terry'. Terry.... not a fan of the name. Anyway, just kinda cool I guess.

Every once in awhile I'll just have these random days where I keep thinking I see T. It's wierd... it happened to me in school alot.. and it happened again tonight. 3, 4, maybe 5 times I'll just see someone out of the corner of my eye that grabs my attention, and for some reason for half a second I'll think it's him... even if there's not much of a resemblence. Strange.

I hear my sister is coming over to watch the superbowl tomorrow. (why???) I'll probably get up.. it'll be good to see her, and I need to ask her about getting my hair done.

My father discovered the camera isn't working right... and of course he blames me. Every time some type of technology (aka cell phones, computers, digi cameras....) fuck up, it's my fault. Just because I use them more. And how, exactly, does that make sense? Considering I use them more and know more about them... wouldn't that mean I'd be less likely to fuck them up? It's usually the inexperienced ones that do the breaking, am I right? But anyway... on the way to work he complained about the camera and said, "well SOMEbody dropped the camera. It wasn't me, and it wasn't your mother." Bastard thinks I dropped the camera? I didn't drop it, fucker. I was just like, "I haven't used it in awhile... I left it on the kitchen counter. Where did you find it?" He said he 'didn't remember', and said, "Well, guess we're blaming the cat, then." Like I had set her up or something. What, do you think I'm 2? Setting up the cat for the blame? I didn't break it. It's a fucking camera... get over it.
There are three people that know what happened to that camera. Me, T, (cuz I told him about it), and the cat. Otherwise, the mystery of the ruined camera remains........ dun dun dun... a mystery.

Like I said..... no life.


Friday, February 04, 2005


Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
I wish I were there right now. In bed on a snowy beach. How peaceful would that be?

Work was terrible tonight.... so unbelievably busy and stressful. My parents, sister, and bro in law were going to come in to celebrate the sister's birthday, but by the time they got there it was an hour and 10 minute wait. I was running all over trying to bus tables quickly. It was all made worse by this massive wedding party that came in and occupied the entire backside of the restaurant. They were all standing around, snapping pictures and talking.. completely blocking the dish hole and bathroom hall, where the table paper and highchairs are. Several times I was trying to get through them, with like 5 tables I was trying to finish just like, ~MOVE!!!~ So by the time everything died down a bit, I was burned out... and I still had around an hour and a half to go. It was kinda nice, though... waiter Ga said he thought I deserved a best hostess award, and bossman D said he appreciated me working so hard. :) It got worse later on, though... I had to do linens a couple times, and water plants... which both require walking back and forth through the kitchen a few times. I have never been checked out and whistled at so many times in a row in my life..... damn kitchen boys. Around the fourth time I was pissed, ~for god's sake get over it!!!~ It wasn't cute, funny, sexy, or flattering... just fucking irritating. I got in such a bad mood until I could leave. I think I get paid tomorrow, though. Working 6-10 again.

So anyway, I should write about something besides work. Problem is there isn't much else to think about at the moment. My sister turned 22 on the 2nd. Yay for her.

Oh, wait... there is something. I have a question. If you had this long-time friend of the opposite sex, who had never been anything more then a friend.... and he or she asked you out to dinner on Valentine's Day... how would you take that? A friendly thing or a date? I'm not going with him either way.. I just don't want to, but I'm curious to know if he's asking me out or not. Cuz, if he is.......... eugh.

I need a book or something.


Thursday, February 03, 2005


Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
Okay, so I'm really just stalling. I wrote out a week schedule to put down my work days, and started adding other reminders. On today it says, "Bricks, 6-9. Work on wall collage 'til 'round 10.... DO IT!" And I'm not doing it. I don't know what my problem is... I just can't work up the motivation to. I only have her left hand, her head/neck, and the top of her dress to do. Why won't I just finish it! Dunno, oh well, another day.

Work was good tonight. B and Br came in... that was cool. I didn't get much of a chance to talk to them since it was busy, but I took what oppurtunities I could. It was just kinda lucky, their waiter was overwhelmed with tables, and asked me to take a Dr. Pepper to table 9. I was like, table 9? B and Br? Yay! They should have sat at the bar, though... then we could have talked the whole time I was at the front. Anyway, I worked with hostess Jo, who I just met. She was nice, and we got along really great. We work together again on Saturday.. so that's cool. I've finally gotten down the table numbers. It kinda seems like it shouldn't have taken me so long, but I'm better visually then numerically, so I would just like... I'd clean a table and note that it was the fourth one from the back on the left side, and remember it like that... not ever knowing what number it was. Yet, somehow tonight it just clicked, and I went over the pattern and order in my head a few times. So yay! D, the owner bossman was there today.. sitting at the bar. I didn't make any mistakes, did a pretty damn good job if I do say so myself. He called me over, but just asked how I was and if I liked my job. ~Love it.~

One of my sims was saved from death last night. I'm so glad, too.. because it would have been devastating if she had died. Hillary, the wife of Pong (didn't name him... he was adopted), was pregnant. Some sim women have a really hard time with their pregnancies, more than others. She was always really, really hungry.. and her energy would randomly drop. With her constant eating and sleeping, her fun level dropped to zip. Poor woman. She ended up starving, and collapsed on the bedroom floor. Poor Pong, he was sobbing... losing his wife and baby. The grim reaper came, and Pong begged for her life. They played rock, paper, scissors.. or something like that, and Pong won! I was so happy.

So, besides that.................. I have no life. I need to get my permit. I got my new green sweater today. I need to write more. I need more black nail polish. I need to get my hair done. I love my cat. I want new stockings. I miss T. I'm cold. I'm thirsty. I have painful shoes. I want to watch Huff on Sunday. I have books that need reading. I love paper. and.... I have boobs.



Wednesday, February 02, 2005


Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
I just got up. Nearly 11 pm, and I just got my ass out of bed. It'll mess me up and I'll be tired at work tomorrow... great. Then again, I'm kind of always tired.

B and his best friend Br came over a few minutes ago. They were bored, couldn't think what to do.. so they called me. We just stood on the porch and talked and laughed at Br. That guy is hilarious. B said he, Br, and St... some guy I don't know.. are hanging out tomorrow since it's B's first day off in a long while. So they'll probably come by and eat at Bricks. That'll be cool.

I played Sims again last night, so I'm all into it again. (There's cycles of interest.) I worked on this small family, a couple and their baby Laura. They aren't married, though.. just engaged (whoops), and I don't think they really like each other that much. They're just going through the motions cuz he got her pregnant while she was living with another woman and her three adopted kids. Yeah, long story. Stuff in that game can really just get so messed up.. even without you planning on it.

Umm... besides that I don't have much to say.. since I've been asleep all day. You can't get much done when in that state. I did have interesting dreams, though. I remember waking up from two different ones and going.. 'damn, that was a great dream!' and trying to fall back asleep into it again. That only works when you're not trying.

I haven't eaten since 7 am, so.. I'm starving. Which means I'm going to go, find food somewhere in the barren kitchen, then choose new music for this blog.