## Wednesday, March 30, 2005

### it could be sweet

PDR_0083
The camera is back.

AIM just randomly cut me off. I'm pressing retry each time it informs me that the service cannot be reached. You know, just in case it decides to be nice and work for me.

Today was an off day. One that leaves me half pissed that I'm still alive. I fell asleep on the couch last night, and woke at roughly 9 am. I didn't actually move from that spot until about noon, though. What I did between then and work I vaguely remember. I think I got online and read blogs, took a bunch of random photos, took a shower, watched 5 minutes of some action movie on Showtime.... something like that. I walked to work, and worked, which wasn't fun. I was with hostess H, which hasn't happened in weeks. We weren't so very in tune with each other tonight. I just couldn't read her, and therefore was all imbalanced and uncomfortable.

I was very tired, too.

Male B showed up again, wanting to hang out. So we drove around for a little while, and ended up sitting in the car in front of my house for a longer while. It was an interesting change to my routine. You know, it's really great to have a guy friend who is no more than a friend, and is so easy to talk to. I can say anything, and I mean ANYTHING to him.. and it never really matters. We laugh alot.

I saw two people tonight that I never thought I'd see again. I really hate it when that happens. First senior D, who walked by Bricks with his ex girlfriend (maybe not ex anymore, who knows). He looked much better then the last time I saw him... which was slightly scary. Then, his younger brother B, who came into Bricks with two older people. It was very strange, because for the longest time I couldn't figure out who he was out of the two people I thought he could be. Somehow, my memory just meshed together these two guys I had sort of known but was mostly just attracted to in school. They looked exactly the same in the memories I could conjure up of them. So I was jolted with shock when I noticed him, then went around in a daze the entire time he was there, desperately trying to figure out if he was B, or T from my english class. I decided by the time he left that it had to be B. It was so strange... because, really, I just never expected to see him again, nor D. God, for that to happen twice in one night.

I randomly decided to not look at myself in mirrors for a week. I'll make one exception, that being if/when I color my hair. So today I did my makeup and got dressed for work without any mirror, no reflection to refer to. Surprisingly enough, that actually boosted my confidence.

Anyway. I'm going to go now, and wish for a movie on TV to fall asleep too.

~A

## Tuesday, March 29, 2005

### wandering stars, for whom it is preserved, the blackness, of darkness, forever

MVC-004S
Ever wonder what happens when two freaks get bored?
We were.... "dancing."

The last few days have been interesting. Saturday after work I went to S's house. I believe I blogged that night. After that, we got smashed and it was wonderful. Such a great night.
The next day we somehow managed to get up, and met T at the mall. The closed mall. Easter sucks.
Despite the fact that it was basically impossible to find a-n-y-t-h-i-n-g open, we managed to entertain ourselves. An aimless walk around downtown Nashville, a really good Thai dinner, and we ended up coming to my house.
The highlight of everything, perhaps anything I've ever experienced, was when T let me do his hair. !!!!!!!!! I was ecstatic, to say the least. That was SO much fun.
We watched Requiem(sp?) for a Dream. That is one fucked.. up.. movie. I liked it, though.
After that I got stuff together for another night at S's house, had a quiet fight with my parents, then headed out to take T home and go to S's. I instantly missed T.... I always miss him, dammit....
Anyway.
That night..... is hard to remember. Strange, considering that was the night I was sober. Umm... I have no idea what happened Sunday night. That's weird.
Monday, I spent on a chair in S's den... watching I Love the 80's, eating cadbury eggs. She worked, then got home, and we had Subway, then ended up wasting time in her room. That pic at the top would be the result of 'wasting time.' After awhile it was decided to get drunk again.. and hoorah, we made cosmipolitans. That was fun too. So... bed by 5 am, up by 10 am, back to my house at 11. We found it abandoned, with an empty kitchen... and therefore went out.... again. Mall~ Chick-fil-A~ Hot Topic ($93 down the drain.) Then we went to Publix and stalked T for a short while. Then randomly decided to stop by FHS so I could clean out my locker. It was very strange. Not only was the school like an oven, but it made me uneasy to be there... so I was sweating. I saw 6 or 7 people I knew, and talked to most of them. It was interesting. I'm glad I got that over with. Now I really never have to step foot in the hell hole again. After that we came back to my house. S slept awhile, I went to work... Work sucked, but male B came around to see me. Brought me a rose for the hell of it... we hung out for about an hour. So here I am. Surprisingly content with life. Thoughts of a party at S's house keep roaming through my head. She has a party house... it's perfect. It may be out in Fairview, but... half an hour drive for people isn't really that much. She and I may not have alot of friends, but we have friends who have alot of friends. Which....... wait, how does that make sense? I'm going now. don't worry, be happy? don't care, be at peace. there we go. ~B ### i'm falling away johnny's glorious neck Originally uploaded by Pancakes. I'm at S's house.... and I'm very drunk. She's eating peaches and cream cheese philadelphia swirl on bread, with peanut butter. She says it's hella good. I'm full of cosmipolitans... and beef. And I'm very, very warm. That may be from the hot tub. She says, "Oooh, it's... swirly." I say, "Maybe that's why it's called Philidelphia SWIRL." Ha..... haha. We're about to look at photos we took earlier. S told me that when I'm drunk on vodka, and triple sec.... my timing goes off, with speaking. Yet then again, she says now, it could just be her hearing that goes off. A couple nights ago I was full of wine... and I've developed a distinction between the two. While drunk on wine, I get sultry, and deeply sexual.... and deeply psychologically contemplative..... and while full of liquor type substances... I just get very, very light.. and carefree. Yay! Goodbye.... maybe I'll be sober next time. ~A ## Saturday, March 26, 2005 ### let's just get naked sandman Originally uploaded by Pancakes. just for a laugh. Well work made me horny... which is not the best thing to say, but it's the cold hard truth. Heh heh heh. I'm at S's house.. we're gonna get drunk soon. And you know... it's cool to be able to be in someone else's house and feel completely at home. I'm waiting for T to call... I asked his dad to tell him to call my cell when he got home from work. We need to figure out what we're doing tomorrow. As soon as we figure that out, and I'm off the phone..... S and I shall break out the drink-age. Yay. I got my first grades back today... and I didn't even come close to failing anything. I feel special. Actually, I feel special for a few reasons. One, waitress A gave out easter baskets tonight after work... even with name tags on them. It's got great stuff in it... and, I don't know why something so small could do that for me... but it has. I like A... she's cool. Two, S bought me an awesome red plaid tie at goodwill today. I love it... I shall wear it proudly. Three, I got my bank card in the mail today... and did my first deposit, and withdrawal. My sis called me earlier... and suggested I not dye my hair myself. She's going to research and call me on Monday, so.... I'm hoping for blue hair by the end of the week. At least, mostly blue hair. An entire head of it would be too challenging to perfect... considering the black currently residing there. So, we'll probably end up with a black/blue mix... that'll work. Besides that I really have nothing to say. Life is okay, and that's cool. So goodbye, dear readers. I shall return tomorrow, as always. ~AA ## Friday, March 25, 2005 ### this is the dawning of the rest of our lives fea_notebook Originally uploaded by Pancakes. I fell asleep on the living room couch today. The doorbell rang. It didn't wake me, but I dreamed I opened the door, and Wayne Brady was standing there. He sang to me about Netflix. I hugged him. When I woke up and realized it was fucking 4:30 and I had to walk to work and be there at 5:00, I opened the front door (always on the lookout for Wayne Brady.. you know me) and saw a box there on the porch. I got my some of my books today. Math and Biology, of all things. Woopty fuckin' doo. Let's see... how badly did I fail those subjects last year in school? I believe that was a 16 in math, and somewhere around 30 in biology. So I've just got the software installed, and I'm planning on starting that work tomorrow morning. No book for english, it's just on the software... so, I can start that too. The other books shall arrive shortly. Yay... brain stimulation. Nay... work. I found this on someone's blog earlier today and thought it was interesting, so here... read. 23 Questions 1: Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 18, find line 4. Write down what it says: "and Aunt Patricia, who was nearest him, withdrew her" 2: Stretch your left arm out as far as you can. What do you touch first? the mini bulletin board attached to the door on this desk 3: What is the last thing you watched on TV? I can't remember, it's been awhile. 4: WITHOUT LOOKING, guess what the time is: 12 PM 5: Now look at the clock; what is the actual time? 10:54 AM 6: With the exception of the computer, what can you hear? chirping birds 7: When did you last step outside? What were you doing? Last night, when I walked from the car to the house. 8: Before you came to this website, what did you look at? another blog 9: What are you wearing? black baggy pants with red stitching, and an army green work shirt I dyed last night 10: Did you dream last night? Probably, but I don't remember what about. 11: When did you last laugh? Last night.... at Suzanne's disappointed face when I said I wouldn't help her build a shelf. 12: What is on the walls of the room you are in? A small painting of a fish my uncle did, a mirror, a framed rodeo poster, two framed cross stitches of indian pots my mother did, a painting of apples and jars, and a clock. 13: Seen anything weird lately? Depends on what you consider 'weird' 14: What do you think of this quiz? it's cool... different questions 15: What is the last film you saw? I (Heart) Huckabees. It was awesome. 16: If you became a multi-millionaire overnight, what would you buy first? A condo. 17: Tell me something about you that I don't know. I want to design a fashion line 18: If you could change one thing about the world, regardless of guilt or politics, what would you do? that's too hard to answer.... there's either too many or too few things I would change, I'm not sure. 19: Do you like to dance? Sometimes, depending on my mood 20: George Bush: is he a power-crazy nutcase or some one who is finally doing something that has needed to be done for years? I don't pay alot of attention to government and politics, so I can't really judge... but, I'd assume the first. 21: Imagine your first child is a girl, what do you call her? Umm... if I were plagued with such an unfortunate mistake, Ada. 22: Imagine your first child is a boy, what do you call him? again, if plagued with such an unfortunate mistake, Jack. 23: Would you ever consider living abroad? Definitely... I plan on it. ~B ### "everything is erotic, everything is sexual. you know what I mean?" PDR_1047 Originally uploaded by Pancakes. Well... there's a new favorite song I found. The goth show, Out of the Coffin, on 91.1 is awesome. I like Ichabod. He has a nice voice. I talked to him....... twice. Unfortunately there's no 'horny goth' unkymood. hahaha recap: 1 song danced to in my underwear. 1 sewing work schedule completed. 2 renaissance dresses designed. 4 hours worked. 1 ice cream sandwich split with S. 5 fabrics dyed green. 1 reverie of complete life appreciation experienced. 1 fairy top finished. 1 blog entry posted. "wind you up and make you crawl to me, tie you up until you call to me." god I love this music au revior ~B ## Wednesday, March 23, 2005 Well, flickr's being a bitch, so fuck it. I'm very cold and very tired. I should feel as though I had a satisfactory day off... but I don't. Even though I sat around, relaxed to my best ability, and got 80% of the den/sewing room organized.... I feel inadequate. I'm beyond sick of my parents at the moment. I just find it so ridiculous that they still try to break out the 'we're your parents' routine. ~Fuck off, I've grown up. I agree so you'll shut up, and continue doing the same without you finding out about it.~ They're both so endlessly unreasonable and judgemental. Now they have some lame idea about opening up a restaurant. Yeah, sure, I've been hearing about that one long enough. It's only been a few days now that the talk has been hovering about again, and I'm already sick of it. At least they ignore me more then they used to, I should appreciate that. Yet they're still there... and therefore I'm not thoroughly satisfied. I just need to move out, desperately. I should get myself another job, get myself an okay car, then get myself the hell out of here. ~B ## Tuesday, March 22, 2005 ### ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh PDR_1345 Originally uploaded by Pancakes. B and Br showed up last night. We played UNO for way too long. Then I zoned out on the living room floor before crawling to bed. I worked at 5, with E, who normally does pizza but was assigned to help out since everyone else is off living their lives for spring break. I've trained two new girls in the past two days. I've only trained B before, who's one of my best friends... so it's much, much different. I plan to get smashed tonight. It's been a very, very long time since I've done so. I'm waiting to digest the food I just consumed, then I'll be getting to work on the beer in the fridge. Oooh.. I can't wait. I'm dying my hair blue this weekend. That is, if I don't hear back from the sis. I left a comment on her blog, since I can't remember her email, asking her to do it for me. If I don't hear a yes back before Friday, I'm doing it myself. It would be a hell of alot easier with her help, but, hey.... I'll take the risk if it's called for. A storm is coming on, that is such a good thing. Love, love, love, love the rain. Storms revive me. I'm really hoping to get a chance to talk to T soon tonight. I don't plan on communicating with him while completely trashed. It's happened once or twice before, which wasn't necessarily an awful thing, but it still made me feel like an ass. Okay... bye ~B ### i'm useless foxskwerl5 Originally uploaded by Pancakes. Advanced Global Personality Test Results  Extraversion |||||| 30% Stability |||||||||||||| 60% Orderliness |||||||||| 36% Empathy |||||| 23% Interdependence |||||| 23% Intellectual |||||||||| 36% Mystical |||||||||| 36% Artistic |||||||||||||||| 70% Religious || 10% Hedonism |||||||||||||||| 63% Materialism |||||||||||| 43% Narcissism |||||||||| 36% Adventurousness |||||||||||||||||| 76% Work ethic |||||||||||| 50% Self absorbed |||||||||||| 50% Conflict seeking |||||| 23% Need to dominate |||||||||||| 50%  Romantic |||||||||||||||||| 76% Avoidant |||| 16% Anti-authority |||||||||||||| 56% Wealth |||| 16% Dependency || 10% Change averse |||||| 30% Cautiousness || 10% Individuality |||||||||||||||||| 76% Sexuality |||||||||||||||| 70% Peter pan complex |||| 16% Physical security |||||||||||||||||||| 83% Food indulgent |||||| 30% Histrionic |||||| 23% Paranoia || 10% Vanity |||||||||||||||| 63% Hypersensitivity |||||||||||| 50% Female cliche |||||||||||||||| 70% Take Free Advanced Global Personality Test personality tests by similarminds.com I was near work half an hour early today due to bad timing and ride options. So I sat on the sidewalk and scribbled in my notebook. I ended up with the following. I'm sitting here at Publix- on the sidewalk. Cross-legged and feeling disconnected. I find myself haunted by that awareness of not really belonging. As if, I don't really know what I'm doing here. I'm very blank. No worries and no joys, no reality. I don't really exist, or I am the definition of existentailism. My head is heavy, and I sense I am no more than my eyes, rather hazy. The people I'll never see again are passing by, and seem to believe they have meaning. Their purpose is shit. ~~ Thank god the sky is grey It matches disappointed hair. Everything is mute, the day is bland, and no one cares. Only life is blood red, still falling from my lip Smoke is wafting, bleak and dead, Like memories, ~~ I keep wondering if I should have goals in life. I think it doesn't matter much either way. I wouldn't reach the goals if I set them. So why bother wasting life in the most bland way possible? Why not waste it elsewhere? Why not spend my sad, empty, pointless little life in Europe? ~~ Shows what goes usually goes through my head when given time to think. Unfortunately I was far from creative, and quite uninspired. ~A ## Sunday, March 20, 2005 ### my four leaf clover has fallen on the ground again body Originally uploaded by Pancakes. I, yes I, believe it or not.... went out tonight. It's a miracle. I haven't fucking left the house in 6 months. I was completely blown away by the prospect of actually getting dressed and going somewhere. It was strange though, with only wearing house and work clothes for so long, I couldn't really remember what I wear in general. So S, my sis, bro-in-law, and I.... we all went to Hair of the Dog, this small artsy club in Nashville. There were two bands playing. The first was, I think, called Go Aberdeen? I have no idea what the right spelling of that is..... wish I could find that page in the Nashville Scene, dammit. The second, was One Sexy Bitch. Both of them were okay... but no one was highly impressed. I thought the guy in One Sexy Bitch was cute... but no one else saw it. So now I'm home... I've taken off the unfamiliar "out" clothes, and taken refuge in T's hoodie....... so I feel safe. S is here, and very drunk. It's irritating, and sucks, since I'm completely sober. I wrote this yesterday... just for the hell of writing. ________________________________ Is it sad that I find myself surprised at my sister's depth? Humbling, perhaps. Or reassuring. Just awhile ago I received an email from her, with a link to her blog. I read through the posts, and was surprised. Mud pies for imaginary orphanage children? Depression? Abandoning her soul with music? She's always been brilliant at concealing herself. Of course we all have our perceptions of people, one little idea encompassing who they are to us. I think that only begins to dissolve once you're close enough to see all the varying dimensions within them. I've never been quite so close to my sister. At least, not so much as to have a real understanding. I need to rekindle my writing. This blog has diminished to a day-to-day review, of my most shallow feelings and routine actions. I used to write passionately. I filled notebook after notebook with everything inside of me. There was nothing to hide, no euphemisms. I could write about myself, my mind, my body, my problems, my habits, my conceit, and it didn't matter. It wasn't being read. I could write about my dreams, my fantasies, my ideas, my loves, my hates, my fears, my depths, and it didn't matter. It wasn't being read. I could write about people, who I liked and who I didn't, who I wanted and who I avoided, who I wished for and who intimidated me, who I wanted to kill and who I wanted to fuck, and it didn't matter. It wasn't being read. I could write about what I wanted from life, where I wanted to go, what I wanted to be, who I never wanted to lose, and it didn't matter. It wasn't being read. I could write about art, knowledge, religion, life...... my lowest levels and highest points.... most respectable pursuits and what I could get arrested for. The list goes on, and I miss that. Now I hide it all. Now it's all being packed away in my miscellaneous thoughts, fading away as if unimportant. I'm losing myself. "When you grow up, your heart dies." My writing was me and it's disappearing. Perhaps I should quit blogging. I really despise the fact that it's managed to cut down on my creativity and brutal honesty. I really, really loathe that I care what anyone thinks. Some criticism in the beginning brought me to a more cautioned state... and I can't stand that. I've been caged. Something I swore I'd never allow myself to be. I'm satisfied that I'm finally coming face to face with that, though. It's being disappointed with life that brings on my best, I think. I feel that right now. For the past few days, I've been looking around and finding myself completely, utterly unsatisfied, let down, and discouraged. It's the negatives that make me want to die, which makes me want to express. I thrive on that shadowed level. It's perpelexing to attempt to explain, which makes it all the better. I've been in a higher, more shallow state, while being aware of it... and therefore uncomfortable with myself. I'm dropping back down, and that is fantastic. There's just so much to capture.... and I love that I finally want to do so again. ~A ok... bye ## Saturday, March 19, 2005 ### this fire it out of control PDR_1561 Originally uploaded by Pancakes. Just a few minutes before I'm off to work, and I'm not looking forward to it. The two M's are working with me tonight... both of whom suck. I'll be running the door... and simply hoping it doesn't get busy. Busy is not good... I don't enjoy stress. I've developed a bad habit of falling asleep on the couch at 10 pm. I get home, have a little time to hang around, lounge on the couch, and find myself waking up to morning. I'm avoiding the couch tonight. I'll get online or something. I miss T. I just wish I could stay home and make something. S and I went to JoAnns today and we both nearly had a heart attack. ~GASP!~ It was all so pretty.... my fantasy vibrant jewel green brocade became a reality. We bought awesome red plaid for a swimsuit.... and green dye for white cotton.... and stuff. I opened a bank account today, and looked at a few possible cars to buy. There's an incredible Mini Coop for$18,500 at some small place in Grassland. I certainly had no intentions of getting something so nice.... I mean, really... nothing more then a crappy car for cheap, but I about died, I want it so bad. It's green... sort of a green/teal color. I'm thinking about attempting to get a rich relative to buy it for me... so I could pay it off over time or something. That would require whipping out the acting skills.... becoming little miss nice grand daughter. Or I could try for my aunt.... she likes me for who I am, no acting required. Hmmmm.
I should find out how much they usually cost. I would if I had time, but I'm late for work.

~A

## Friday, March 18, 2005

### she's just a woman

sleepingjd
There's a list of things sporadically roaming through my head today. The first goal? Read about how to bone a corset. Bone a corset..... I've been saying that for months, and it just now hit me... to bone something. Anyway, it's in the sewing book that's somewhere in my room and I have to read it and figure it out so I can make a dress for my sister for the ren. festival. She wants a good corset... and I plan to make her one, and do it damn well.

The second goal? Find a blood type food list online. I'm an A type, A negative. The diet, Eat Right for Your Type, has done wonders in the family.... and I want to get an idea of how I should eat. All I know, is that what's good for me is chicken and fish, and what's bad for me is tomatoes, pork, and beef..... and that chocolate is neutral. That's all I remember.... so I need to find a list and drill a little more of it into my brain.

The third? Finish the choker I've been making for myself. I need to get a little better at it..... so the beads lay out better.

The fourth? Read Sandman... the comic that S left here for me.

The fifth? Read my horoscope. Don't ask why... I have no idea. I just feel like looking it up for some reason.

The sixth? Listen to the Green Day song, Holiday, a few times. I like that song.

S just came over a second ago, right as I was attempting to choose my mood for the day. I couldn't figure it out... so I opened the door and said, "So S, what impression do you get? How do I feel today? What's my mood?" She said I seemed at ease, and comfortable with myself. That hit pretty damn close to home. She seemed perky, and uppity, and happy....

So, I have to work the rest of the week, and most likely every day next week since it's spring break.. and literally every other hostess is taking the week off to go out of town. I should go out of town....... I should go to Taos. I could if I really wanted to, I just didn't think about it before now. Damn.
Nice paycheck on the way, though.
You know what's great? I haven't spent any of the money I've made so far. Yay. I should be proud of myself. I'm not.

hmm....

anyway, tired of typing like a maniac.... so, I'm going to find that sewing book.

I'm just dying to go out...... like go out go out. To a restaurant, or a show, or starbucks or some crap like that. Dress up and be social and walk around and see humans. That would be so nice........ I'm about to completely FREAK OUT cooped up in the fuck hole of a house. asekrjhg oiehga;

Your Horoscope for March 18 , 2005

You've got some terrific ideas and the wherewithal to get things started today. Plan a bit of an adventure for you and the person you most enjoy spending time with. A little extra effort will bring about an interesting change.

Today's Chinese Proverb:
"The first time it is a favor, the second time a rule."

Woah... that horoscope is creepy. It's unbelievably fitting for me today! I DO have terrific ideas! Damn. I've got S here... we're trying to plan something interesting to do. An interesting change? Ooohhh...

~AA

## Thursday, March 17, 2005

### on holiday

00180f

: attempting to put into effect an abstract doctrine or theory with little or no regard for practical difficulties : dogmatic

Bored.
What am I bored with?
My hair.
My eyes.
My teeth.

The world.
This country.
People.

This house.
My family.
Edi.

The Sims.
Board games.

Showers.
Shaving.

Eating well.
Being skinny.
Wanting chocolate.

Being worried.
Being bored.

VH1.
Nail polish.

Yearbooks.

Waiting.

Living.

Typing.
Keyboards.
Cell phones.

Music.

Paper.

AIM.

Hope.

The couch.

My surroundings.

I need to go out.
Cure this lethal boredom.

~AA

### rue_calme

rue_calme
I want to live there.

I wonder if it's healthy or not for me to so often be contemplating the future. I think about it so much. I'm always considering the possibilities.
It's said alot that you should try to live in the moment, and enjoy life as it is. That sounds more like childhood to me. Then again, as a child I was always wondering what I'd be like as a teenager. I turned out completely different then I expected. We're talking polar opposite here. So maybe that will happen again. Maybe once I'm out on my own with every possibility presented.... I'll morph into something I don't anticipate. In fact, it's already been experienced. A year or two ago I never expected myself to calm down as much as I have. As I've said before, I'm not so angry and hateful as I used to be. I don't miss the single minded childhood, and I don't miss that psychopathic black hole I was sucked into. I think I'm at my best here. Yet, I wonder if I'll be thinking the same in two or three years. I can only hope so. I like this understated passive approach to life. It's balanced for me. I hope I don't become over zealous about things. I hope I don't end up wanting to settle down in one place. I hope I don't lose my perspective. I hope I don't forget how beautiful everything is.

I wonder if it's possible to abandon love. I mean real, true, honest and pure love. Seems to me that if you have it, you stick with it... considering what it is. That's one of those things you just can't explain right in words. Something you only get if you're there.
I've tried once before, attempting to let love go. I failed miserably. That entire area of my life isn't much more than a blur... but I abruptly ripped away from that love, and hence experienced the blackest, most torturous days of my life. Headstrong, I tried to drop the connection for quite awhile.... without much reason or explanation. I wasted alot in many ways, hurt and used a few people, came to thoroughly hate myself...... and in time came crawling back, half consumed by shame. I regret what I did in regards to the people I hurt deeply.. I'll never completely forgive myself for pushing T away like that. I learned a HELL of alot. A life lesson... learned the worst way and never forgotten.
No doubt I won't be trying that again.
I've never in my life felt so deeply sorry about something.
I think true love is impossible to successfully contradict.

There is something I'll never lose. No matter any separation.....

By the way, I've switched my patterns... and am now awake during the day. yay.

~A

## Tuesday, March 15, 2005

### that's what you get for falling again

I'm all fucked up right now. Starving, exhausted, and stressed... to name a few. It could all be undone by roughly 4 pm, if I could take the convenient route of sleeping for a few hours (wait... I'd still be tired), then eating something, then going to work. But someone threw away the envelope I had laying around that I had written my work hours on.... so I don't know if I have to be in at 5 or 6. That makes me nervous, because that means I have to call to get my hours. I hate calling... it sucks..... really sucks. Phones are not fun for me. I don't like talking to people in general, but put a phone between me and whoever else, and it's 20 times worse.

I'm just fucking craving a sandwich right now..... one of the really good ones I make. I've been wanting one for like 2 days now, but for some reason haven't been able to have one and that sucks too. I could make one right now... but it isn't healthy to eat right before you sleep...... so that's a no no.

I really shouldn't have slept until midnight yesterday... or last night... or whatever. Last time this happened I slept in an hour late for work. It's just so much better now that I don't even know when I'm supposed to show up so I can get my ass off the couch. (No... not out of bed, off the couch.) God... why don't I sleep in my room anymore? I'm so weird. I may get 1, maybe 2 hours in before work if I'm lucky. If I get off the computer now. If I drift off in the estimated 7 minutes it takes for the average person to fall asleep .

~AA

## Monday, March 14, 2005

### last chance to lose control

windygirl

: not open to question : indisputable

Woke up at 3:30 pm today to the sound of family life. They were gathered in the kitchen.
Some would consider this a happy scene.
It seems whenever my sister shows up the 'rents break out the happy times, the smiling faces, the hospitality.
I love my sister to death. I gladly hang out with her. I just don't enjoy my parents in the picture....... in any picture, for that matter.
Too fake.
I hung out among the festivities..... worked on a fairy costume S and I are making for her... and waited for T to call. :D
He came over..... he, S, and I sat around a bit, then walked to the elementary school down the street for the playground. (SWINGS!!!!!!)
Yeah.... so, movies were watched and stuff.... that's been my day so far. A good day. A good day.

There's really nothing to blog about.

I'm feeling all unrevealing at the moment.

haha..... ~A

## Saturday, March 12, 2005

### she's just like a maze where all of the walls are continually changed

naomi
A Question
If you could suddenly find out that one work of fiction was actually true, what book would you select?

Charlie and The Chocolate Factory :)

Work was fine tonight. S came down when I got off and we had pizza.... which is ridiculously good at that place. I work my usual days next week, plus Sunday at 11-3. 11 AM? That'll mess with my sleep patterns.

Hmmm... there's really nothing interesting to blog about. That's sad. I can usually come up with something.

Well S is here, and says I can write about how fantastic she is. So that's what I'll do.
S is fantastic. A great friend to have for 8 years. Umm......
She's very generous and kind, and helpful. She inspires me when I need inspiration and seems constantly willing to deal with my creative endeavors. She has great taste in music, is a great driver, and gives great compliments to people. She's the best to get drunk with! And um..... yeah, she's cool.

So anyway, I'll probably spend my night sewing 'n stuff.

That's all.

bye ~A

## Friday, March 11, 2005

### stuck in america

JapaneseElle02byKyoko
I actually don't feel like blogging at the moment, contrary to the norm. Yet I have nothing else to do, so here I am.

I wore my hair in braids today. That was different.

My hands feel too clean.

A gut at work I've been wanting to talk to but never get a chance to came up and stood next to me at the bar when I was reading comics in the paper. I should have said something to him.... such a prime oppurtunity. Yet I didn't... because I'm a loser.

It was unbelievably slow tonight for a Friday. Usually we're packed, but the flow was pretty even. It was nice. Hope it's like that tomorrow.

A new hostess started work on Wednesday. I didn't get a good first impression, but I try not to judge, so I tried to ignore it. She worked again tonight, though... and I've officially decided I don't like her. No one does. She's either a little slow in the head, or is lazy, or has a bad attitude, or all three. I'm thinking it's all three. Me, B, and hostess H were all fussing about her and what a shitty job she was doing. She didn't update the seating chart, didn't finish bussing any tables, and never listened to a word we said. Waitress H, who I'm starting to like alot more, came up to me and B and said, "God damn, could you keep that girl busy?" To which we replied that in fact, we were trying, she just wasn't responding. They're opening up another restaurant in Nolensville, which she's supposed to work in.. and is just training here. Thank god. I couldn't stand to work with her very much longer. B picked up everything so quickly, and did such a good job... that I find it very frustrating for someone to approach the job in such an empty-headed way.

S is supposed to come over tonight. Should be here right now, in fact. I called her while at work, and she was at a new friend's house putting makeup on fourth graders. Ummmmm...... okay. Not my cup of tea.

I usually can't stand kids, but tonight I just about lost it over how adorable this one was. Not only was he quiet, which is always appreciated, but he was dressed so cool. He was wearing the following; a red and black pirate vest with little skull and crossbones all over, on top of a ruffled white poet shirt, with skinny black pants, and black converse with flames on the sides. How freaking awesome is that!? He was no more then maybe 7 years old.... and I just about died. How precious. I never get all cutesy about kids, but I gushed over him to the other hostesses. "Did you see him!? That was so adorable... in his little tiny pirate vest and converse!!!"

I think I'll try getting down to the publix area really early tomorrow. I want to open an account at the Fifth Third, which is right in front of Bricks, and Publix, and all that fun stuff. I got my paycheck tonight.... a very nice amount with all the extra days and that raise.... and I figure it's time to handle things myself. I hate the idea of my mother handling money for me, and I don't want her knowing exactly how much I'm making.

The male parental unit rented Garden State. I LOVE that movie. There's something else too, although I don't know what it is.

S has Napolean Dynamite... which I hope she remembers to bring over. I've been dying to see it for so long. If she EVER gets her ass over here again. You get to missing your friends, you know? I really need extracurricular human contact, too.

Anyway, I'll close with saying it was cool, tonight when walking through the kitchen a guy I know stopped me and said 'camo!' I looked down, and we were both wearing black shirts with longer green camo shirts underneath. Haha.... i said, 'awesome!'. and walked away. Heh heh heh.....

~B

### how I could just kill a man

Where to begin.....

Found out that T got punched at a Social Distortion concert earlier.(http://owlhere.blogspot.com/) I can barely even believe it. He of all people is the last to deserve something like that. Thankfully he's fine, but damn. One half of me is all, (~gasp!~ oh my god, is T okay? did the guy get thrown into jail, like he deserves!?) other half is like, (aaaggghh!!! ~devil horns emerge, eyes go red~ KILL the bastard who dares to mess with my man!)

Anyway.
T came over earlier, before the concert.... and we ended up just hanging out in my kitchen, talking, and yes... lowering the cat's self esteem. And you know.... I haven't seen her since he left. Hmmm

After that, I made myself the very first peanut butter and jelly sandwich I have ever eaten. (not bad) Then sat on the couch watching some lame 'most wanted bodies' on VH1. It wasn't long before my mother came home, though... so I ended up acting like I was asleep so she wouldn't try to talk to me or anything. That resulted in me actually falling asleep. I just got up about an hour ago. Then I had something to eat again. (No... I don't just eat and sleep, I swear.) Once again, I made uncharacterisic food choices. I had a carrot and a few strips of grilled chicken. A carrot? A carrot!? Do you have any idea how long it's been since I actually consumed something vegetable related? (besides potatoes) I got halfway through it before I began to gag at the crunchy-ness of it. That's why I don't eat vegetables... I can't stand their texture. But yeah, the carrot was a good thing to eat...... and then I stood staring into the fridge for about 5 minutes thinking, "Pepsi? Water? Pepsi? Water? Carbs and sugar? Healthy nothing? Pepsi? Water?" And believe it or not I went for the water. I'm being so good to myself right now.

While asleep I had two work-related dreams. Both were leaning towards stressful.
The first, was about this guy from work who somehow ended up at my house. The reasons for him being there were clear, because we apparently liked each other. Problem was, that the entire time I was in the dream, I was constantly thinking about T. It was like I almost had no choice but to be with this other guy. We were flirting and leaning on each other and crap. Then my mother walked in and looked at me with one of her hate-filled looks. She began screaming at me, asked me what I would tell T, and called me a "maverick". Which, contrary to the real definition, meant something different in the dream..... something more like a conniving slut. We began a screaming match, which I won.... and that got rid of her. After that I was so mad at her I decided to do exactly what she had called me a 'maverick' for, and pulled the guy back into my room with me. I recall nothing from that section of the dream, although I know we did nothing more then makeout. What I do remember is waking up the next morning in the dream, and being so ashamed of myself, wondering what on earth I would tell T. The whole time, every second of the dream... he was on my mind and I felt awful for what I was doing. I remember, right before I woke up, I was thinking about how I would explain myself to him. Even after I woke up, I layed there in a daze with this sinking feeling. Then, with a huge amount of relief, I realized that in fact, it was no more then a dream... and there would be no required explaining to do.

The second was, I showed up for work and found everything completely changed. The owners had decided to make it more family friendly, and therefore turned it into this massive colorful disney-themed place. There were costumed characters of donald duck walking around, and all the employees were wearing this new uniform. It was this strange color, kind of a mix between orange, pink, and red.. and was neon bright. It consisted of a 3/4 sleeved shirt with some kind of writing on the chest, very short shorts of the same color, and green or blue flip flops. I was horrified when I saw the other hostesses wearing that. I was in my normal attire for work.... black pants, black shoes, black shirt. I kept having thoughts of having to quit, because I would absolutely refuse to wear that. I then talked to D bossman, and began a long conversation about the changes. Then I remember asking if I could just keep wearing what I used to, or if I could at least wear black shorts, a black and white shirt, and converse. I said something like, "I could represent the diversity. That's a good message to send to children, that it's okay to be different, too. That not everyone has to be happy and colorful, you know? Instead of having some uppity message on my shirt, it could say death, or something. Or not. I don't know, I just can't wear all that color!" The conflict was never resolved. I didn't quit, but I was considering it throughout the whole thing. The dream just ended.... no resolution.

So there,
the randomness
~B

## Wednesday, March 09, 2005

### when you're taught through feeling

Pierce
Today at roughly 11 AM I was sitting here at this very computer desk in a white button-down workshirt and superman underwear. (S was right about these. Sometimes the damn supermans can make your day.) I felt a little on the downside as I stared at the screen, telling myself that no, I couldn't raid the kitchen, and no, I couldn't buy the pretty Hot Topic shoes. I had lauch playing somewhat quietly, not paying much attention, when The Dark of The Matinee came on. I'm not a particular fan of Franz Ferdinand, and haven't paid much attention to their music up until now. Yet, apparently my brain has some sort of chemical reaction to this particular song. For, on some random impulse, I cranked up the speakers and flew out of my chair. I spent the entire song bouncing around the living room in some manic dancing episode. My audience? The cat, who stared for but a moment before returning to her nap. My cares? Nonexistent. It was brilliant.

I then hopped over to the bathroom, slapped on some black lipstick, and sashayed my way back to the chair. Moments later I realized I had just created a once in a lifetime experience. If this, or anything like it, happens to me again, it won't be for a very, very long time.

~B

## Tuesday, March 08, 2005

### everything that you thought I would be is falling apart right in front of you

PDR_1200
The Fairies

The fairies have never a penny to spend,
They haven't a thing put by,
But theirs is the dower of bird and of flower
And theirs are the earth and sky.
And though you should live in a palace of gold
Or sleep in a dried up ditch,
You could never be as poor as the fairies are,
And never as rich.

Since ever and ever the world began
They have danced like a ribbon of flame,
They have sung their song through the centuries long
And yet it is never the same.
And though you be foolish or though you be wise,
With hair of silver or gold,
You can never be as young as the fairies are,
And never as old.

~Rose Flyeman

So the results are in. Out of the three characters (Sat, March 5) S chose the following.
Push off cliff: Alex
Shag: Evan
Marry: Jack
Which I understand. I think I expected her to choose Jack as her husband. I can't believe she could possibly bring herself to push Alex off a cliff, though. He was awesome! If they were my three, I would have done the opposite..... push Jack off a cliff, shag Alex, and marry Evan. Jack is too grounded for me, Alex is too good to pass up, and Evan seems the best balanced. They weren't my three, though. She posted mine on her blog, ( http://penguin-princess.blogspot.com/ [Mon, March 7]).
My decisions were...
Push off a cliff: Daniel
Shag: Ryan
Marry: Trent
I explained why in her comments.

So this morning before attempting sleep, I watched a movie on showtime, "The Jimmy Show". It was incredibly depressing, and really brought forth the pointlessness of life. As I layed there on the couch, watching the credits, I realized how much my mentality has changed. I went through a few years of very constant, very deep depression. Now, in comparison, I could call myself very content. My depression has transformed into something less debilitating, as it comes not quite as heavily, and usually only lingers for up to a week. I realize that I have reached that mental state I used to loathe in other people. In this, I'm not contemplating life's distant questions, or constantly going over religious mysteries, or dwelling on the fact that I'll simply die and be forgotten.... the idea that this, and everything, is completely pointless, empty, and trivial. I don't flare up inside with vivid hatred when I hear my parent's voices, I don't feel the need to do exactly the opposite of everything I'm told, and I don't feel hopeless or pitiful or trapped. I'm just okay. I feel I can place the blame on a few factors. One, I'm out of school. That was the biggest drag possible. Being crammed into a schedule I wasn't comfortable with, constantly surrounded by dramatic, robotic, hollow teens, and having useless knowledge force-fed to me, just wasn't my forte. The moment I stepped off the school grounds for good was a huge relief. Second, I have a job. I get out of the house and go somewhere I actually want to be, apply myself, and get paid for it. I work hard, everyone likes me, and I'm getting paid. There's an extra level of separation from parental units, because I'm getting paid! Third, it certainly ups the happiness points to be well aware of and comfortable with the fact that I'm deeply in love.
So although I still recognize all the downers I was consumed by in past years, they don't overwhelm me. I've managed to be a little blind, and accepted that. I see the beauty of life, every inch of it, the light and the dark. I may still be enchanted by the darkness of our existence, and welcoming towards the black hues of deeper human psyche, but I can see the other side now, too. The light isn't quite so bad (although I still avoid the sun). Depression was wonderful, but I'm a step away from it now. Happiness looks good, but I'm not chasing it. I'm just fine right here, always somewhere in between. It's probably the best place to be.

~B

### What's the worst that I can say?

arashi
Apparently now, I only get out of bed when I have a damn good reason. Like work. I didn't have to work today. Therefore, I didn't budge from bed until now, at roughly 1 AM. God I need a life.

Bertolt Brecht
Do not fear death so much, but rather the inadequate life.

~A

## Sunday, March 06, 2005

### i've been changing, but you'll never see me now

moi

1 : of or relating to an uncle
*2 : suggestive of an uncle especially in kindliness or geniality

It was just me and crappy hostess M tonight. She made me feel a bit bad about blogging her as 'crappy', since she was so nice to me, but I'm not changing it. Hostesses had takeouts tonight. M did about 2, I did about 20, and it got very hectic at times. Before knowing that I'd be stuck doing all of them, she and I agreed to split the tips at the end of the night. Unfair, but done anyway. I suppose I can justify that, though, by remembering that she was left bussing and seating alone while I did take outs, but, still. I bussed a ton of tables for her that she managed finish only half of the work on.
There's just something about her I don't like. We don't communicate very well, either. We survived the night fine, but not without alot of time spent trying to figure out what the other was trying to explain. To me, she has a strange way of explaining herself, and for her, I spend too much time thinking before I speak... so somehow it's a wierd mix with us.
She asked me to stay a little after work to split a brownie with her. I thought, ~I don't really like you, I'm not really hungry, I don't want to spend a cent of my money, I'm tired, you talk constantly, and you're the definition of prep, so no I don't really want to~ and said, "Okay." Maybe she's an interesting person under the confusion of ditzy prepness.

I had two somewhat disturbing dream last night. I rarely have any I would describe as 'bad' dreams, but these were.
The first consisted of me being a subject of attempted rape. I was home when someone came over who I didn't know. It was this guy I vaguely recognized (he had the look of a guy that my friend [the harassed one] used to date, and the skin of a guy I've seen a few times, who I don't like and who both work in the Bricks kitchen). He wanted me to do something for him, I think maybe sew something, and stood in the kitchen with me. My father was in the den, asking us questions... then left. When he was gone, the guy pushed me through the kitchen door to the living room and threw me on the floor. For some reason I wasn't scared, until he got on top of me and began pulling at my shirt and feeling me up. (One of the things that harassed friend at work had described the stalker guy doing to her.) At first, (with my very strange dreamland reasoning) I didn't react, thinking he might just have a quick feel and be done with it. That wasn't what happened, though, and soon I was fighting him off, screaming for help. After I screamed, my father came running in the room... yelled at the guy, and left, never to return. (Probably representing my deep sense that I can't rely on him.) I don't remember much of the struggle between the guy and I, mainly just me kicking at him and begging him to stop, wondering if anyone would ever help me out. I don't know how, but I ended up getting away from him without any violation below the waist.
The second, was more interesting. I was at the place where they hold the Tennessee Renaissance Festival. At the time, however, it was this huge restaurant type place. I was the hostess, and kept getting confused because the seating chart kept changing. In dreamland, I somehow combined many different locations. The main area was that forest, but there was this shortcut through the middle of it that was a part of some garden in a movie I watched before bed, and the scenery while going through that was from a back road nearby that I drive through with people all the time. Anyway, once after seating someone, I found myself skipping along this shortcut, fully aware that I was being followed. My perspective kept switching from me, skipping, to whatever it was that was following me. I was wearing a fairy dress I'm currently working on for the ren. fest. This whole shortcut scene went on for quite some time before I woke up.

So that's that...
and I'm hungry.

goodbye ~B

Dreaming is an act of pure imagination, attesting in all men a creative power, which if it were available in waking, would make every man a Dante or Shakespeare. ~H.F. Hedge

Dreams are answers to questions we haven't yet figured out how to ask. ~X-Files

All the things one has forgotten scream for help in dreams. ~Elias Canetti

Dreams are only thoughts you didn't have time to think about during the day. ~Author Unknown

A dream which is not interpreted is like a letter which is not read. ~The Talmud

Dreams are illustrations... from the book your soul is writing about you. ~Marsha Norman

## Saturday, March 05, 2005

### she's beautiful as usual with bruises on her ego and

art-p-%20Green%20Cat
indigence \IN-dih-junss\ noun

: a level of poverty in which real hardship and deprivation are suffered and comforts of life are wholly lacking

So, is it true that if a guy you sort of know never says a word to you, goes out of his way to avoid brushing up against you, never looks in your general direction, and basically seems stuck on ignoring you..... that there's a huge chance he likes you? Because if so.... then this guy at work is fucking in love with me.
I'm sorry, I just don't get that. I've always been one to try to let someone know if I like them, not act like they're invisible. Maybe it's a guy thing. Maybe I'm just too confident.
Yet, both best friend B and my mother (of all people..) think he likes me, because he avoids me.
O..... kay. Great.
Reminds me of that part in The Village when the guy is telling his mom he thinks some other guy likes her. She says, "What makes you think he has feelings for me?"
Guy says, "Because he never touches you."
Then again, this guy could just completely hate me for some reason. Who knows. Either way, I already have a man.

I was shocked beyond belief twice tonight at work. First at the fact that B has to work Thursday next week with crappy hostess M... just them, alone. Thursdays can get really busy, and M is basically incompentent. B is new. They'll be in hell. H does scheduling..... how cruel of her.
Then, however, I was informed of something much more unsettling. My good friend (won't say who) started getting calls on her phone from some guy. She didn't pick up, and he kept calling over and over and over again. She ended up telling me alot about him... and how he's been harassing her. She had told me he was a bit obsessive, just randomly showing up at her house unwilling to leave her alone, but I had no idea how bad it had gotten. With what she told me... I ended up picking up her phone and telling him to fuck off. She needs to get a restraining order against him. With things getting physical (won't get into details) she could easily get him arrested... considering that he's 19, she's underage, and he's used force on her. She's said alot to try to discourage him, but apparently he's extremely persistent. I don't understand why she's still dealing with it... I would have destroyed him a long time ago if it were me. I care alot about her.... and find myself afraid of things getting worse.

There's just so very little to be happy about.

~AA

### i glimpsed a bat with butterfly wings

00350f
oh what marvelous things.

You name three characters.

I have to pick one to push off a cliff, one to marry, and one to shag.

Stick to the fictional characters, either gender is okay.

S sent this to me, so... I'm going to go for it. I've never really come up with characters, so this should be fun. I'll make it difficult to choose.

Character #1: Jack. A 5-star chef who avidly sews, currently residing alone in a downtown Franklin apartment. His passions include perusing libraries, playing rugby (great body), cooking for women, and discussing psychology. His style tends to lean towards a hippie look, and many say he resembles Johnny Depp. He's intelligent, loyal, and compassionate, with a good yet muted sense of humor. With his gorgeous red-hued brunette, shoulder-length wavy locks, and slightly tanned skin, he makes a striking yet indifferent entrance. The sexual energy he carries isn't overwhelming, nor nonexistent, but rather nice in a mysterious way. He takes a quietly determined approach to life, and understands himself and others. His view of the world and life is mostly passive and unassuming, and he doesn't judge. He likes too many writers to choose a favorite, listens mostly to John Butler Trio and The Shins, and relates to his favorite quote: "Good food ends with good talk.", by Geoffrey Neighor.

Character #2: Alex. The mirror image of George from Paradise Kiss, (blue hair and all). With no chosen career path, he's worked jobs in coffee shops and book stores, and currently waits tables and does some bartending at Genghis Grill. The one hobby consuming most of his time is his one lifetime love, Motocross. You can often find him traipsing about in his racing uniform. He's well enough kept, with an unshaven jaw and short messy hair. For reasons unknown, he seems to always smell like bread, even when slick and sweaty after a challenging race. (Some believe he may have a secret love of baking.) His eyes are deep and piercing, which with one good look can make a woman's spine tingle. His nose, jaw, and cheekbones are sharp, defined, and masculine, lips broad and full. His sex appeal is deliciously smothering, although he doesn't seem to realize it. Despite his tough appearance, Alex is remarkably sweet and caring. He's hilarious, exhibiting a killer sense of humor, very smart, and caring. He currently lives in a house near Coolsprings which he rents from his parents (currently overseas). His attitude towards life is headstrong, although he has some trouble understanding it all. He doesn't read much more then magazines (mostly motocross themed), but finds the idea of a woman reading poetry to him quite sexy. He doesn't pay much attention to music, and therefore listens to anything, while enjoying a live performance every once in awhile. He greatly enjoys watching movies, any an all genres. His favorite quote? "Ash: Lady, I'm afraid I'm gonna have to ask you to leave the store.
Possessed woman: Who the hell are you?
Ash: Name's Ash. [cocks shotgun] Housewares.", from Army of Darkness.

Character #3: Evan. An artist through and through, he's sees beauty in all. His shaggy blond hair, green eyes, light skin, and Ryan Gosling - like appearance leads many to see beauty in him as well. He dresses mostly in dark and/or muted tones, but sometimes dons a pirate coat he bought at a past Renaissance Festival. He's into archery, likes to skinny dip, and plays bongos obsessively. His dream-like actions and appearance may be misleading, as he lives rather practically. Working two jobs, (Subway and the WC Library) since a young age, he's managed to buy his own house just outside of Franklin, although he wishes to travel a bit in Europe and someday move to North Carolina. He carries a camera and sketchbook with him, and most often paints or sculpts in his spare time. His offbeat personality shows his understanding nature, great conversation abilities, and overall friendly disposition. Art is what calms and encourages him, hence he frequently visits any galleries he can find. His pure devotion to the arts is consuming, yet his open mind allows a pursuit of knowledge. He listens to classical music, and has a distinct appreciation of piano and violin. He often reads and watches movies, but loves a good calming walk through the park, as he feels the exquisite essence of nature. His favorite quote is, "An artist chooses his subjects: that is the way he praises.", by Friedrich Nietzsche.

Note: All three are 24 years old, and single.

Well that was fun. What will she choose?? Haha... can't wait to hear about my choices.

au revoir mon amis,
fare thee well
fare thee well
~AA

## Thursday, March 03, 2005

### you look so edible

Why aren't there more of these around here? Can you imagine how interesting and fun it would be just to talk and hang out with this guy?

Tonight at work was horrific. I was hostessing alone for the first hour and somehow had this massive drop in confidence. It certainly wasn't anything I couldn't handle, but I stood there completely tired and nervous just wanting to run away.
So that was disturbing.
Then, hostess H got a call which had her in tears. She ended up leaving. I was the only other hostess there. Of course, it ended up being the busiest Thursday I have ever witnessed. I about lost my mind. How could I possibly handle everything completely alone? There were customers to be seated on a building wait list, tables to be bussed that the waiters couldn't ever get around to, and linens, silverware, and glasses to be kept up with so we wouldn't run out. You can't greet the customers and buss tables simultaneously, nor can you keep linen, silverware, and glasses running smoothly while bussing or seating. AAAAAUUGUGHGH!! Maybe it doesn't sound like much, but when you're in the thick of it... completely alone... it's a hell of alot to think about. Every corner of the place was crowded, it was hot, people were complaining, and I couldn't keep everything sorted out. I kept finding myself with stacks of glasses in my hands weaving around people, glancing towards the front for new people to put on the list.... all while in this daze. ~I'm going collapse.~ It seems every time I get stressed, the one person that comes to mind, is T. I kept wishing I could be with him.
When I got off work I layed on a bench out in front, aching with my tired back and feet. I thought about calling T, but realized he wouldn't be home at the time.
I arrived home, and found what might as well be a gift from god. The Sims 2 University, the first expansion pack, was at the door. I can spend all night messing around with that, and lose myself in the game instead of thinking about anything work-related. Oh, and I've just discovered that the second expansion is The Sims 2 Nightlife. Awesome.

~AA

## Wednesday, March 02, 2005

### i won't jump your son, I promise

villestyle
misanthrope \MISS-un-throhp\ noun

: a person who hates or distrusts humankind

Well damn, here I go again. What the fuck am I supposed to do today? I firmly believe your job isn't your life, and yet I find myself wishing I had taken on that shift tonight that crappy hostess M asked me to do for her. That way, not only would I have something to do.. but I'd be making money.
So I'm disappointed in myself. Not only because of this lack of inspiration, but for a few reasons. I find myself sitting here wanting to cry myself away, but I won't allow it. Maybe I should watch The Notebook. That'll give me a better excuse.

I hate that I find myself wanting to give up so easily.
I hate that I feel I'm wasting a hell of alot of time in a hell of alot of ways.
I hate that I won't be creative when I really need to be.
I hate that T isn't here.
I hate that nothing matters.
I hate that I'm losing the ability to rely on myself.

I look cute today. That really isn't doing me much good, though... now is it?
~B

"Depression is melancholy minus its charms - the animation, the fits."
Susan Sontag quotes (US writer, activist and critic, 1933-2004)

""...Depression is not sobbing and crying and giving vent, it is plain and simple reduction of feeling...People who keep stiff upper lips find that it's damn hard to smile.""
~Judith Guest

"We can regard our life as a uselessly disturbing episode in the blissful repose of nothingness."

"Life is so short, questionable and evanescent that it is not worth the trouble of major effort."

"There is only one inborn erroneous notion ... that we exist in order to be happy ... So long as we persist in this inborn error ... the world seems to us full of contradictions. For at every step, in great things and small, we are bound to experience that the world and life are certainly not arranged for the purpose of maintaining a happy existence...hence the countenances of almost all elderly persons wear the expression of ... disappointment."

"What disturbs and depresses young people is the hunt for happiness on the firm assumption that it must be met with in life. From this arises constantly deluded hope and so also dissatisfaction. Deceptive images of a vague happiness hover before us in our dreams ... and we search in vain for their original ... Much would have been gained if through timely advice and instruction young people could have had eradicated from their minds the erroneous notion that the world has a great deal to offer them."

"A reproach can only hurt if it hits the mark. Whoever knows that he does not deserve a reproach can treat it with contempt."

"Whoever attaches a lot of value to the opinions of others pays them too much honour"

~Schopenhauer

## Tuesday, March 01, 2005

### Depped

DeppedToday600
 Thought-Provoking Created by misscellophane and taken 99 times on bzoink! Do you ever look at the world and think of how beautiful it is? all the time Do you ever look at the world and think of how terrible it is? all the time Do you think sometimes too much optimism can be regarded as naivety? yes What do you think life would be like if world peace were attainable? attainable? well... we'd all be too stupid to attain it. Have you ever lost a friend because you two had different morals? no Do you think all politicans lie? sure why not Is the area you live in largely conservative, liberal, or in between? conservative..... eugh, they suck How do you feel about that? they suck Do you often feel more mature than other people your age? all the time Do really happy people sometimes annoy you? all the time If yes, why do you think that is? i'm just that type of person, I guess... constant happiness is unnatural Do you think people who use netspeak are uneducated or just plain lazy? plain lazy Do you feel the presence of a higher power in your life? yes If yes, how so? If not, why do you think that is? don't care to explain... Ignorance is bliss. Do you agree with that, at least to a certain extent? yes Have you ever listened to Chris Cornell? His lyrics really make me think. heard the name, but no... haven't read the lyrics What musician's lyrics really provoke thought in you? i don't know.... a few do, but... can't name them, I guess Do you know the real story behind The Wizard of Oz? no

Okay, so at first today sucked, but it got much better.
Sucked because I was hoping T could come over, but it didn't happen... and I just really want to see him.
Then it got much better, though, when I went to work. D bossman told me last night that he wanted to talk to me when I got into work tonight. So, he did. I was slightly worried about it.. I didn't know if he had complaints or what. No complaints, though. Instead, he informed me that I'm getting a raise, and that he wants me to take a place as 'head hostess', and that he's going to start giving me more days to work. So that's really great. I can be proud of myself at the moment.
Tonight worked out very well, with me and B there. I ended up having to do take out orders, and I just learned how to do them last night.. so I was worried. I got through it fine, though.. and even racked up some tip money. Sweet. The other waiters were Ga, and N, who B seems to think is awfully cute. I say he looks just like the singer in Green Day.... slap some eyeliner on the boy and he's the spitting image. So yeah, he's kinda cute, but... I'm not exactly swooning. I like him, and Ga... because they're both really nice, funny, and great to work with.

When I'm done with this I should work on my current sewing project. I need to get things done. Someone best friend S knows, is giving me \$100 to make her an anime costume for an upcoming convention. It's not until April, but I'd like to get that over with.

As for musical theory, I'm not feeling contemplative at the moment.

Damn scientists..... attempting to formulate art.

~AA