Saturday, April 30, 2005

leave your things behind

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
I am a horrible, horrible person.

My grandmother has been in the hospital for a few days now. (Point one.. I have no idea what day it actually was that this began.) She broke her pelvis very early one morning, and was taken to one hospital.. until she could be moved to another. (Point two.. I haven't been paying close enough attention to know what hospitals.) They did surgery another morning, and she didn't wake up from being under that day. When she began to wake, her body wasn't reacting well. She seemed agitated. Today I was told that it's believed that she is going through alcohol withdrawals. (Now here's where the big huge horrible points come in.. Upon hearing about that, I had to put my best strength into suppressing an amused smile.)
Can you say... NOT a laughing matter?!

I gave my shift tomorrow to B, because plans had been made for me to go to the hospital. Turns out, however, that it won't be happening. So I have tomorrow off, and nothing to do. YES.


So let go, jump in

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
What you waiting for?

Okay, so.
Today has been alright. I woke at about 5pm, and randomly decided to dye my hair. The bottle of 'Blue-Haired Freak' was just sitting there in my medicine cabinet, staring me in the face, and had been for some time. I didn't have anything better to do.. so I went for it. I LOVE those spontaneous moments, I thrive on them. So now I have great blue hair. There's still black in it from what I didn't bleach out previously, but the blue overpowers. I'm loving it.

Tonight I went out with male B and T, and ended up seeing Guess Who. It was entertaining, but also depressing. I hate happily ending movies like that.. that just piss me off.
Yet speaking of movies. The other night I was scanning channels and ended up on Showtime to see if anything interesting might come up. I kind of lazily watched as the names of the actors went by in the beginning. Then, low and behold, I saw 'Johnny Depp'.. ~~perks up~ well damn, I'm watching this!~ It was The Man Who Cried. It was really good. So much so that I felt my heart wrench just a bit when the ending credits began to roll, and nearly cried. (I'm just becoming too fucking emotional. Damn estrogen.) It's amazing how often Johnny Depp movies can do that to me. It was one of those movies I could have easily hated, but just had to love. It was so freaking good. I want to see it again.

Besides that, I'm overwhelmed with excitement because... wait for it...
I'm seeing John Butler Trio on Sunday! Yay! S got us tickets, and I'm dying. I will actually... see him. In person. Right there, in the same room with me. It's, amazing and almost hard to believe, but fuck I'm SO looking forward to it. He's cool.
And I must take the oppurtunity to feel this way, cuz, hell... how long has it been since I've actually been excited about something? Too long.

I'm not sure what to do right now. It's 1:30am and I have the whole night ahead of me.

It's good to be okay again.


Thursday, April 28, 2005

excuse me, too busy

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
I walked to work, didn't bother to grab the umbrella.... it started raining.
Hostess H had an ear infection.. I was left to run everything, and had to train two new girls.

For awhile it seemed everything that could mess up, was doing so.
But I was so distracted by work I didn't think about T much, and I found myself proud of how well I handled the busy night.

I had a dream last night, that I suppose you could describe as a sex dream. It was more like a sex scene, though, in the middle of a really pointless movie. While in the dream, I seemed content about everything. When I woke, I realized how disgusting some of it was. I've never had such a two-sided dream.. beginning and ending pleasantly, with such a repulsive intermission.
I won't go into details.
And I won't say who else was in it.

Anyway. I really feel like writing right now. I wish I had some subject matter.
Here's the conversation that just took place between my mother and I.
Her: Hello!
Me: Hi.
Her: How are you?
Me: Fine.
Her: Are you sure?
Me: Mm-hm
Her: Is everything okay?
Me: Mm-hm
Her: Are you sure?
Me: Mm-hm
Her: Would you tell me if it wasn't?
Me: Mm-mm
Her: ~pause~ Ok.


Wednesday, April 27, 2005

I won't remember

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
Thank you, S, for everything.

Mental and physical breakdown since... eh, 11 pm or so last night. I went from hysterics, to calm tears, to an odd blank silence.. which involved alot of distant staring.
It takes alot to make me so upset.
And if he doesn't get online (like he said he would) or at least contact me in some way tonight.. I'm going to have to murder him.

Everything's been hell. What more can I say?


Tuesday, April 26, 2005

other voices

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
My morning (3:45 pm) mental dialouge:

`Get up, Annie.
`Get up.
`Get up!
~No! I can't.
`Yes you can. You have to.
~I don't have to do anything.
`Technically true.. but you have to get up.
~Why? What's the point?
`Because. You have to get up, dress yourself, walk your sorry ass to work, face waitress H, spend those 4 hours completely tormented by thoughts of T, and survive it all.
~I'll break. I'm.. I'm too... I can't fucking handle this!!
`No, Annie. You have to be strong.
`Because! You can't get through anything in life if you're not!
~... I know.
`So get up.
~Okay.... I can be strong, and I can do this.. but.......... no, it's all too much. I can't.
`Yes you can! Get up!... Alright, have yourself a good cry, it's been too long. Then get up.
~.. okay.

I felt kinda cute, I got alot of thinking done during the walk (no resolutions, though), H wasn't there, and somehow..... I survived.
and yet so much remains


Monday, April 25, 2005

you're writing a trajedy

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
Wow. You wouldn't believe it, but he actually called me. How the hell...

Oh well. We'll refer to him as Ty. So far he's really interesting, as I can tell from the 3 phone conversations we've had throughout the day. (Very interesting and.... probably always stoned.) Very easy to talk to.
"Alright, beautiful," he says every time the conversation ends, "I'll be calling you later."
Which, hey, I don't mind by any means. But there's a problem. From that I'd assume his intentions aren't entirely friendly. That will be hell to deal with.
Plus, he reminds me way too much of A. WAY too much.
He is very funny, though..

Ty: "You seem really sweet. But what is it they say... something about, the sweetest girls having the worst bite, or something? Is that you.. a sweet girl, with a bad bite?"
Me: "Yes."
Ty: "Haha. Alright. Better bring a band-aid."

I'm loving this book, Good Omens. Lovely, lovely, as far as I'm concerned. I'm sure some wouldn't like it.. but I'm entranced.

Anyway. New thing. Every Monday I'm posting a poem. Something I like... that I either.. relate to, understand, find amusing, or, just for no particular reason... like or love.
o sweet spontaneous

O sweet spontaneous
earth how often have

fingers of
prurient philosophers pinched

,has the naughty thumb
of science prodded

beauty .how
often have religions taken
thee upon their scraggy knees
squeezing and

buffeting thee that thou mightest conceive
to the incomparable
couch of death thy

thou answerest

them only with


~e.e. cummings


Sunday, April 24, 2005

I think I'm paranoid

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.

Today after work I was lurking in the shade of a column in front of Publix when an attractive hippy guy came to my side. He held out his hand and told me his name, which brought a flirtatious smile to my lips. He was very cute, with nice features and a light dusting of stubble on his jaw. He wore a bandanna with a pot leaf design on the front, a loose green and white knitted sweater I could have sworn I had seen for sale at the last renaissance festival, ratty jeans, and birkenstocks. He had to be a least 17. I met his handshake, and informed him of my name in return. His hand was very slightly damp, his voice mellow, his eyes mischevious and kind. "I was wondering if you'd be interesting in joining us in a little.. escapade of marijuana smoking," he said, flashing me a big, beautiful, off-white toothed smile, making my heart jump a bit. (What is it with me and big teeth? I quickly and secretly wondered.) He gestured toward a nearby running car, where I glimpsed one young, pale, dark-haired male staring back at me. There was someone else driving, whom I couldn't see from there. His offer somewhat surprised me, and I felt my smile fade for a fleeting second. I then looked to the side, away from his gaze, and honestly answered, "I would love to...." his smile widened, "but unfortunately I can't right now. I'm waiting for someone." There was a pause, and I returned his steady look at me, making him glance away. His smile never vanished. He smelled of smoke, two kinds... making my attraction level highten considerably. It brought back memories. "Could you... later, perhaps?" He wasn't giving up. "Maybe," I said, more suggestively than intended. He began patting himself down, looking for a pen. "Well... could you, umm...... I could remember your number," he said. (My number? I've never given my number to any random guy, I realized.) There was a moment of silence. I looked down into my purse, trying to decide what to do, while simply enjoying his presence. The number was gliding through my head, unsure as to whether I should verbalize it or not. I thought of T, wanting him to be standing there tempting me instead. "969-****," I said, still unsure but perfectly willing to take the risky plunge. "969-****? 969-****," he said, attempting to memorize it. He then began backing away, looking around. He began again, "969-**....." "**," I reminded. He repeated it once again, then was gone.
(He'll never remember that.)
(But what if he does?)


Saturday, April 23, 2005

waiting on you

I believe my biggest pet peeve when it comes to potentially good books, is an abrupt ending. Too often I find myself picturing the author growing tired of the story, and deciding to just go ahead and end it then and there. I finished Little Miss Strange last night, and was disappointed. The hours and hours of my life spent within those pages suddenly seemed less than worth it. I genuinely think it should have kept going, at least into the main character's mid 20's. I wanted to see what kind of woman she'd become, if she'd continue with her love of sewing, what effect her new discoveries would have on her, if her relationship with the guy ever got more serious, and what would happen to her runaway best friend. I simply don't like being left to mentally write the rest. This book had resolution, but not nearly enough. It was well written, and easy to get lost in, but the ending left me unhappily empty handed.

I think my next trip to the library will result in a biography or two, and something else non-fiction. I looked for one on Jim Morrison last time, but it wasn't on the shelf. Maybe another novel. Maybe not. I'm not sure.
I also need to hunt down those french cd's.. ~must learn~ ~must learn~ ~must learn~ I can't recollect a single thing from french classes in school, but remember everything from those first two cd's.

Next week I work tuesday-thursday, saturday, and sunday. What is it with these Fridays off?? Hmm. I'll need to come up with something absolutely staggering to do that night. I shouldn't expect many more of these rendezvous oppurtunities.


i just want to live

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
Sometimes it's nice to just.... disappear.

Amazing how one person can just completely destroy your night.

I'm really, really glad I didn't have to work tonight.

I feel sick.

And dirty.


Wednesday, April 20, 2005

must I always, be waiting, waiting

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
If there is one bug on the planet I absolutely CAN NOT stand, it is the june bug. I hate them with an undying passion. They crunch. They smack into things. They buzz. They're thick. Thinking about them makes me itch.
It's been twice in a row now that windows have been accidentally left open at night in my house with a light on inside... twice that I have entered rooms and found several of the little fuckers around. It makes me cringe and avoid the area. I haven't slept in my room for 2 or 3 days now after finding a few congregating near my bedside lamp. Now I won't be eating... since I found them around the stove and on the kitchen floor.
Holing up for the summer... that's me.

Well, today went differently than expected. I planned to wake semi early and begin cleaning. Instead, I dragged myself off the couch around 2, hearing my mother and sister talking in the other room. I would have cleaned. I really would have... but my mother's presence destroyed that idea. I just don't like her being around when I'm doing that type of thing... or, ever.. really.
So instead I played Sims all day and waited for S. I got a message from her about free cone day at Ben and Jerry's. So she and my sister and I all went down there. I got chocolate fudge brownie... which was way too much fucking chocolate. I actually ended up scraping off some of the top of it onto the sidewalk just to get to the cone part. Chocolate is good, but damn.
So we decided to do something else and went by the sister's place to pick up the bro-in-law and come back over here for money and a change of clothes for me. Then I called T, who met us at Blue Cactus, which made us not feel like bowling like previously planned, which resulted in watching movies at the sister's place. We started off with Alfie... but a little ways into it I suggested a change since I really didn't feel like watching people fuck all night. So we switched to Bad Santa...or, Badder Santa, actually. Which was hilarious.
I'll be watching Alfie later.

So now S is on the couch behind me, trying to sleep... and complaining about the 'little beepy thing' every time T sends me an IM. heh heh heh
After a while I'll play sims again... volume down, of course, and try to wake my ass up around noon tomorrow. Then I will clean. I WILL CLEAN.
I will.

I have to work tomorrow too. At 5. With H.
I need to call male B.
I wonder if I'll ever get back to those ren fest costumes. May isn't far away.. not at all.
Time is passing quickly. That's a good thing, and a bad thing, depending on what I apply it to.

everything, it all just depends

doesn't it



Monday, April 18, 2005

it's a small world after all

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
A new waiter started at Bricks tonight... M. It's very interesting to be around him, and actually talk to him, considering the tangled web that ties us together.
Hokay, so,
I just happen to be great friends with male B, who just happens to be best friends with Br, who just happens to be M's younger brother. M just happens to have gone to high school with S, and my sister, who just happened to have a raging, scary obsessive crush on him for a long, long time. I could go on... considering how many people I work with went to that high school at that same time, and how many people I know, know each other in odd ways.

I wonder if he knows I'm her sister. Probably. He knows I know Br. It's been hinted that he knows about her crush on him, but hell.... I am not saying a word. The nickname... and she stole his shirt, for god's sake.

I really need to get some school work done, since I've been neglecting it absent-mindedly. Then I'll play Sims late into the night. Then tomorrow with the day off.. I will clean. I WILL clean. You will clean, Annie.


Sunday, April 17, 2005

you're not alone

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.

there's the site... mac.

So today I worked, ate at Logan's, and went to a knitting... thing. I didn't knit. I sat staring at the wall for three hours, slowly accumulating headache points as the surprisingly loud librarians talked.... or should I say, yelled. It wasn't the time of my life.. but hell, what else would I be doing with my time? Staring at this computer screen?
Actually... I had planned to deep-clean my room, but forgot about it until about an hour ago. Tuesday. Tuesday I shall deep-clean.

It won't make me happy... but it will be satisfying enough.

Oh yes. So, I told S I would come up with something different to do. Something free, something new, something... just SOMETHING! So, what did I come up with?
Playing tag at the park.
Okay, okay... I know. But seriously... when was the last time you played tag? I had to be about 7, at most. It's incredibly simple... and hey, a good workout.. if you want to be super optimistic. We're already accumulating players... my sister agreed to come play too.


Anyway. I obviously have nothing to say. I'm not feeling contemplative or observant. I did draw a cool scene of the parking lot with crayon when work was slow. I'll be keeping that.

Time to waste time!!!!!!!!!

~sniffle~ i hate my life :(


is everybody in?

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
"Can you get me a doggy style?"

~heads turn~ "What?!"

"No.... it's a beer.....
get your heads out of the gutter, ladies."

Work is awesome. ...
~not while you're around~


Anyway. I ended up staying at female B's last night.... 'tis us in the pic. That was fun. Spontaneous, random... boring.. and fun.

I woke up at 12, went home and changed, accompanied S to a Tai Chi thing at the library, ate at Blue Cactus for the first time (got to talk to the waiters there I see around all the time), worked, saw Sahara, and ate do(ugh?)nuts. So... I'm good.

I just (already!) miss T... what, I saw him like... an hour ago.
I have issues.
But he looks really good driving.

heh heh


Thursday, April 14, 2005

laughing gas

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
My Edi.. isn't she just the cutest?

My horoscope:
You'll be walking a fine line today. On the one hand, you can make headway where relationships are concerned, but on the other you will have to deal with authority figures. Pick your words carefully before responding to someone who could decide your future.

Hmmm.. interesting. I worked tonight with the new girl C.. who started on Sunday. We seem to be getting along well. Relationship headway. I did have to deal with authority figures... a whole scene went down at Bricks tonight, and I was the hostess dealing with the complainers, so I had to sit down and have a conversation with waiter/manager/special person D. I did pick my words carefully. In the end D told me... rather continuously... that I had done absolutely nothing wrong, and that I didn't have to worry about it. Customers can be SO DAMN UNREASONABLE! It's ridiculous. Step off, just step... the fuck.. off.. and wait for your table, or I'll have to get medeival on your ass. Your fat, panty-lined, ass.



windmill windmill

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
...."I’ve heard other Mormons talk about a similar rock-n-roll fireside lesson, one in which the person giving the lecture brings in a recording of a rock song playing backwards (almost always “Stairway to Heaven”) to demonstrate how Satan talks through the music. Somehow they’d always be able to decipher a “welcome to hell” or “worship the devil” out of noises that sound like nothing but words being sung backwards.

“Nevaeh ot yawriats a gniyub sehs dna.” CAN YOU HEAR IT? CAN YOU HEAR THE DEVIL? I bet you didn’t know that Robert Plant was the anti-Christ DID YOU.

I’m frightened because when Leta reads books to herself she sounds EXACTLY like “Stairway to Heaven” being played backwards. I want to record her and then play her backwards because if we’ve given birth to a conduit for Satan, HOW COOL WOULD THAT BE?"....

hahaha... she's awesome

Your Horoscope for April 13 , 2005

Things are turning in your favor today, so don't skip a beat. Get yourself moving early and prepare to make some crucial moves toward your future goals. Set up an appointment with someone you know has the power to help you move forward.
Hmmm... really? I felt nothing favorable today... and skipped about a trillion beats. I got up at 4 pm, sat on my ass in front of the computer, and didn't come in contact with one single other living being besides the cat.
I totally failed.

It's been confirmed once again... I hate this damn computer. Not only would it not let me get online when I really wanted to... but after I had spent HOURS working on S's family... sim day after sim day taking care of her wailing twins (yes S... you had twins a-fucking-gain!! both girls this time, though)... it decided to update, and therefore crash the game. I haven't been so close to exploding in awhile. My anger may have consisted of me looking down at the floor in defeat and groaning... but it was close enough.

Spontaneous combustion I tell you... 65.

In the past two nights I've had two dreams about being a man. Not only that, but the first was a sex dream.... in which I was doing ANOTHER MAN. Talk about an odd thing to remember upon waking... damn. Then in the second one, I still knew I was really female... but somehow had a dick for a day. All I remember is one part where I was jacking off... wondering what a guy's orgasm felt like. Which in the dream totally wasn't as exciting as a girl's. But how the hell would I know?
It made me feel really... really weird. Which explains why I'm sharing it with the world, right?



Wednesday, April 13, 2005

just one more day

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
Approaching 9:30, I'm holding the car keys. They are my hostages, keeping us here amongst the history of downtown Franklin. It's dark, the square is quiet, and the streetlights hide the stars. I know because I'm searching for them, laid back against the silver hood of S's car, and I'm not having too much luck.

T is beside me, within a few inches, staring up at the same scene. I wonder what he's thinking, but don't ask. It would probably surprise me.

Things seem geometric. The buildings come together, forming a right angle, a point in the lower center of my vision. Three metal poles stand closer, donning flags that lay limp and lifeless. The sky hovers above... deep, dark, and endless. Any stars are vague, and I find only 3... then 6.

"It's something to get lost in," T comments... or something to that affect. I glance towards him, but find I'm not paying too much attention, (so much so that I don't recall if I responded.) I'm thinking too much, about everything... only taking in half of what could be experienced in that expanse of black sky. I'm not being too perceptive, and can't seem to tune into any spiritual affect. I'm not living in the moment. I'm not seizing the day (or night). I'm losing myself in masked agony. I'm desperately unhappy. The only hope my raving thoughts can grasp is T. He's there, but not for long, because time is ticking.

I keep looking up, keep trying to connect myself to something beautiful. I want to get lost in it, like T. I'm not having too much luck.

Time to free the hostages.


Tuesday, April 12, 2005

love forever, love is free. let's turn forever, you and me.

I woke up this morning completely drained, out of thoughts. I just didn't feel like analyzing my life anymore. So I sat there, hands entangled in my multi-colored locks of hair, staring at the floor. Before long my eyes registered on the 6 pretty collaged binders I had made for this past school year. I then found myself lost in a rampage of creativity, realizing I had to use those binders for something cool. Opening the first one, I found several biology papers on top of an untouched black notebook. Untouched... completely empty... no words inscribed on the crisp lined paper. JACKPOT. I don't have to buy one for my next journal now. That wasn't the end of it, though. In that and the others I found another notebook (although wide ruled... eww), several piles of loose leaf paper... mostly clean, and two pads of graph paper. PAPER!!!! It was heavenly for me... orgasmic I say! Once I had the binders clean, however, there came the task of figuring out what exactly to do with them. I've only stuck with one idea. That's using one as a photo album. I don't know how I got the idea... it had never occured to me before.. but now I shall have one of my own. I don't really take pictures in general... only when I feel the need to nourish my photography obsessed side. That's never just 'in general' though.. that's when I'm really bored. I'm going to try, though... from now on, I shall have a camera with me more often.. and I shall take pictures... and I shall put them in my pretty new photo album.
I still don't know what to do with the 5 others, though. Got any ideas?

The binders got me thinking about collaging again... and how much I love it. I'm thinking about ripping all the stuff off my walls again, and beginning some kind of new collage. I've never managed to stick with something long enough to get every wall covered... but I think I'll try again.
That's all you can do, isn't it? Try try again.

After my creative thoughts had passed, I spent the day staring at the computer screen. I got back on The Sims for the first time in a while.. made another best friend S sim in a new neighborhood. She's already met a gorgeous college boy... this may get interesting.

Then... oh yes. Something positive.. I talked to C. I haven't seen or heard from her since I left school. So, it was really great to hear her voice. I left her a message recently telling her about the hostess openings at Bricks... and she returned my call today. We talked for a little while. Turns out she's going down there tomorrow to ask about the job. I'm really hoping she gets hired on the spot. They need people badly, I don't see why they would turn her away. Plus she's me and B's friend.. which is a huge help.
I also hope our friendship picks up again. We were going great there for a long while.

So, there isn't much else to say. I talked to male B.. and I can't not laugh with him, so that was nice. I'm talking to T now... which is always fantastic. I need to get out of this house... which should happen sometime this week.

There's just nothing else to say.

All gone.


Sunday, April 10, 2005

i can taste you on my lips and smell you in my clothes

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
It's not you, it's me.
I have problems.
Not really.
I just like to think I do.
It makes life a little more hopeless.
I like that.
I have problems.

Good Idea, Bad Idea.

Good idea: pushing back your cuticles.
Bad idea: using a butter knife to do it.


Saturday, April 09, 2005

my pure intentions

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
What could I possibly say.
I'm just a sad person.
I wore leather pants to work tonight.
Everyone there is gorgeous.
Except D.
He's rather unattractive.

I finished Harm.
I read it in two days.
Now I'm on to The Book of Hard Things.
It's interesting.
I read the first half of it last night.

One of my dogs, Daisy, is staring at me right now.
She thinks I have food.
I don't.
Not anymore.

My sister and parents are watching Neverland in the next room.
I should have said hello.
I'm feeling anti-social suddenly.
Hence the two-faced mood.
I smiled and talked to everyone at work.
Besides, of course, Ge.
He ignores me.
As soon as I came into contact with my mother, I went silent.

Feel Good Inc by Gorillaz is playing on the radio in my room.
I can hear it from here.
I love that song.
I love Gorillaz.
I could almost say, they're one of my favorite bands.


Friday, April 08, 2005

A melancholy town where we never smile.

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
I will smoke.
I will read.
I will hope.
I might call.
I might hang.
I will work.
I might cry.
I will sleep.
I will eat.
I will work.
I might see.
I might sulk.
I might love.
I might speak.
I might cry.


Thursday, April 07, 2005

there were objects so peculiar they were not to be believed

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
all around, things to tantalize my brain.
It was a world unlike anything I've ever seen!
... I can't seem to describe, like the most improbable dream.

S - Found the purple hair. She's pretty cute, eh? My internet's all screwy right now, so I'll post that band name later.

Care for a peek into my journal? Here's what I wrote last night, while in a sort of depressed creative detachment. There is a theme, I'm just undecided as to what it actually is.

3:00 AM Thursday, April 7, 2005

I sat there for hours, in front of the computer. I was reading. Long after the pitiful excuse for a conversation I shared with T. Long after my disappointment at his, "g2g," reminding me of my distaste for all those abbreviations. Reminding me of how badly I always want to be near him. Taking me back to the sidewalk where we sat wasting time. We were close, he compared his forearm to mine. He was surprised they seemed to equal, I was lost in his pale skin. So very pale. So very beautiful. So very appealing, and within centimeters, so very distant. ~~ I sat and read, flicking the mouse each time the monitor blacked out. No particular reason, I didn't need to see it. Just an impulse, I suppose.
Annie. I read her thoughts and found myself not completely dismissing the psychotic musings. I read, turning pages with cigarette scented hands, and began to wonder if I should see a therapist. Reminding me of those two weeks my mother spent asking me to see one. Saying she would pay the bills, if only I needed someone to talk to. I might have a serious problem, she had said, and she could never know. Taking me back to all those days I remained quiet... and how I now find myself pleased at our awkward silences.


perhaps... love? love's a bitch? can be tricky... complex.

time to stop thinking.


Wednesday, April 06, 2005

i'm breaking the habit

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
Sorry S, I couldn't find the purple haired goth girl... but here's something else I mentioned. First, it's from 'suicide girls', second, it's that piercing fetish I was talking about. Interesting, eh?

So yesterday I said I wanted to go to the library.. .and actually did. I left with a great selection of novels, all strange and/or dark in their own right.
A memoir of dark, glorious days

~The Book of Hard Things

~Little Miss Strange

~Good Omens
The nice and accurate prophecies of Agnes Nutter, witch

~Satanic Verses

I started Harm last night, and am about half way through it now. It's good, I like it. I also appreciate the fact that it's proving to me that as of now, I'm not actually psychotic. That's good to know.
So far the book is focused on this woman's mental illness... from her perspective, and also those around her. Her name is Anne, or Annie... ironically enough.
The back reads, "~Everyone knows about me. They come to the cinema pretending to purchase tickets but really it's to see the girl who lives with her insides on display.~ Anna is blessed. She can hear promises pulsing through overhead wires, read messages in car number-plates, tune in the radio to invitations from other realms. The pigeons are there to guide her home, even after she's been living three days furiously on air. Touched at last by the hand of God, Anna is ready to make her grand debut.
Unfortunately there are other names for Anna's revelations. Jacob, her delighted workmate who dabbles in DIY psychiatry, prefers the term 'psychotic'. Her girlfriend, Sarah, desperate and frightened, finds herself living with a stranger. And while Anna's family plots a rescue dash across the border, the nurses and doctors try to keep her out of harm's way.
As the voices in Anna's head close in, demanding unthinkable sacrifices in exchange for the glory they are offering, she needs to find her place somewhere between the grey world of safety and the luminous one she has glimpsed."

I love that last line... 'somewhere between the grey world of safety and the luminous one she has glimpsed.' :)
luminous indeed

Besides that, I need to finish that painting I've mentioned. I have the background in, but find myself afraid of doing the main part in paint. I drew it so well... I don't want to ruin it. I hate that I'm like that... I never take that approach to art. I might finish it tomorrow.

I worked tonight.. it wasn't bad. I found myself oddly calm during hectic moments. I have tomorrow off.. which will be nice. Then Friday and Saturday I'll be there from 5-10, and Sunday 11-3. I'm starting to like working Sundays.. being alone. I have control of everything and no one to communicate with. I just develop my own little world, and own little system.. and it works so well.

S and I shopped at Goodwill yesterday after I ran into her at the library. I left with a grey striped shirt... light grey, and darker grey (which I cut the white off of and wore to work today) a tiny leather top (which must have ended up in S's bag? i hope... since I don't have it. let me know, S) black leather pants (which fit well), birhgt green pants (which I can make work), and a great black belt. I'm not sure if I've ever done anything besides laugh at the ugly 80's crap in there. So, it was fun.

So I'll close with this... since I found it on someone's blog yesterday, and I'm a sucker for question things..

Have You Ever:

(X) snuck out of the house
(X) gotten lost in your city
(X) saw a shooting star
( ) been to any other countries besides the United States
( ) had a serious surgery
(X) gone out in public in your pajamas
(X) kissed a stranger
(X) hugged a stranger
( ) been in a fist fight
( ) been arrested
( ) done drugs
(X) had alcohol
(X) laughed and had milk/coke come out of your nose
(X) pushed all the buttons on an elevator
( ) made out in an elevator
( ) slept in an elevator
(X) swore at your parents
( ) kicked a guy where it hurts
(X) been in love
(X) been close to love
( ) been to a casino
( ) been skydiving
( ) broken a bone
( ) been high
(X) skinny-dipped
(X) skipped school
(X) flashed someone
( ) saw a therapist
( ) done the splits
( ) played spin the bottle
(X) gotten stitches
(X) had an IV
( ) drank a whole gallon of milk in one hour
(X) bitten someone
( ) been to Niagara Falls
(X) gotten the chicken pox
(X) kissed a member of the opposite sex
( ) kissed a member of the same sex
( ) crashed into a friend's car
( ) been to Japan
( ) ridden in a taxi
( ) been dumped
( ) shoplifted
( ) been fired
( ) had a crush on someone of the same sex
(X) had feelings for someone who didn't have them back
( ) stole something from your job
( ) gone on a blind date
(X) lied to a friend
(X) had a crush on a teacher
( ) celebrated Mardi-Gras in New Orleans
( ) been to Europe
( ) slept with a co-worker
( ) been married
( ) gotten divorced
( ) had children
( ) saw someone die
( ) been to Africa
( ) driven over 400 miles in one day
( ) been to Canada
( ) been to Mexico
(X) been on a plane
( ) seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show
( ) thrown up in a bar
( ) purposely set a part of yourself on fire
(X) eaten sushi
( ) been snowboarding
( ) met someone in person from the internet
( ) been moshing at a rock show
(X) cut yourself on purpose
( )been to a moto cross show
( ) lost a child
( ) gone to college
( ) graduated from college
( ) done hard drugs
(X) taken painkillers
(X) love someone or miss someone right now


Tuesday, April 05, 2005

all we are is dust in the wind

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.

I was working on english today and had to read this. I'm by no means an avid science fiction reader, but I found this very interesting.

In the 1930s, space flight was virtually the exclusive property of a
small group of young people, most of them in their teens. They were the readers and writers of science fiction, a new literature that dealt with the unknown of the future. The young authors wrote of the danger of nuclear warfare and of the struggle to achieve space flight. At that time the outside world was largely unaware that science fiction, or even the concept of space flight, existed. Those who did know about science fiction called it "escapism." The writers might have been escaping from the reality of the present into the possibilities of the future. On the other hand, their "escaping" might better have been called foresight.

Now the world has entered the age into which science-fiction authors "escaped" a generation ago. The front pages of the newspaper read like some of the highly imaginative stories of the thirties. As a result, science fiction is suffering from a malady that does not exist for any other branch of literature: each year sees possible plots destroyed. Nothing the world can do will ever destroy the blazing six-shooter of the Western hero, or the effectiveness of a strychnine in the soup. But since a successful lunar flight has been made, no science-fiction writer can ever again sit down to compose an epic on an imaginary first flight to the moon. Another basic plot is dead.

This has been happening ever since science began its drive to remake the world, and remake it, and remake it. Edgar Allan Poe knew only the balloon as a means of lifting man from the ground, so he wrote of sending a balloon to the moon. That's dead now; we know the limitations of balloons. Other writers sent their heroes to unknown places on the earth's surface-
Lilliput in the South Seas, King Solomon's mines in Africa, isolated remnants of the Inca civilization in the Amazon, and Shangri-La in Tibet. All these are dead now, for we know the surface of the earth too well. There are no mysterious civilizations; even the poles have been ransacked. Fictional expeditions were sent to the center of the earth and to the bottom of the oceans. But the earth has no convenient holes in it, we know now, and the bottom of the ocean has been reached. The first half of the twentieth century saw stories about the mysterious power of the atom and about space flight. The atom bomb, by exploding, destroyed a vast array of plots that used imagined atom bombs as the science-fiction gimmick, and now we are on the verge of killing stories dealing with at least the beginning of space colonization. Whatever is there left to write about?

To answer that question, it is important to realize a few things about science fiction. The obvious motive for writing is to earn an honest living, and the obvious motive for reading is to be entertained. But this holds true for all kinds of literature-the mystery, the western, the romance, the adventure story. Science fiction differs from its cousins in having something extra to give. This fact is obscured by the ridiculous travesties called science fiction that are produced in Hollywood, and by the similar nonsense found in comic books. Unfortunately, it is these
low-level products that the average person thinks of as science-fiction.

There are, however, thoughtful science-fiction stories that soberly consider the action of man on society and society on man. In this, science fiction at its most thoughtful resembles the serious novel. But science fiction goes further in one respect: it does not deal with society as it exists, but with societies that may exist in the future. This turning to the future has an importance that is certainly evident now, for society will not long exist if its leaders do not consider the future and make provision for it. Truly important science fiction poses a social problem and suggests a possible outcome, though not necessarily a solution.

For instance, a number of years ago, Robert A. Heinlein wrote a novelette dealing with the development of atomic weapons by the United States and their use in ending a war. Considering that the story was written in 1941, this was pretty good, but not remarkable. Many science-fiction writers were busily developing one form or another of an atom bomb. But the real function of science fiction is not to predict the next gadget; this is comparatively easy to do. It is more difficult to predict the consequences of that gadget for man and society, and it was this that Heinlein went on to do - correctly. In his story, after the weapon was used and the war ended, people were faced with the problem of controlling the deadly atomic menace. One person suggested that the United States simply keep control and enforce a world order to its liking, but the hero of the story replied that it was not as easy as that. He pointed out that atomic weapons could not long remain the secret of one nation. He said that once other nations had developed them, the world would be like a room full of armed people, each dependent on the goodwill of the others to stay alive. It was more important to have forseen the nuclear stalemate that now exists than to have predicted any number of gadgets. If, twenty years ago, more statesmen had seen the future as clearly as this science-fiction writer did, we might not be in the deadly situation that now exists. Robert Heinlein posed a social problem: How could disaster be prevented once a weapon capable of destroying the human race was in the hands of opposing forces in an unsettled world? The outcome of his story suggested that mankind might find no way of preventing disaster. The title of his story was "Solution Unsatisfactory."

There are any number of social problems that concern the thoughtful science-fiction writer. There may be no point in discussing satellites and astronauts, but what about the future effects of these developments upon ourselves? It is easy enough to think up problems that deal not with space flight itself but with the consequences. Such problems can be far more important than any number of engineering trivialities. Today many of the problems with which science fiction deals do not involve spaceflight at all, but are to be someday encountered right here on
earth. Chief among them is the population explosion and its consequences. Story after story is written about societies in which crowding has reached unbearable proportions. It is as easy to foresee an overcrowded world now as it was to foresee nuclear weapons in the thirties. It is important to foresee the consequences as well as the fact. Among the serious problems that concern science-fiction writers is the increasing specialization in science. Scientists working in one narrow field are finding it hard to communicate with those working in other special fields. There is difficulty in training enough scientists broadly enough. Will the system of education break down under its own weight? How do we conserve brainpower and make use of the rare minds that can master many specialties? How will mankind be affected by the further development of automation? With machines to do the routine working and thinking, what will
happen to the vast majority of those who are capable of doing only routine work? Will education be drastically revised? Will boredom be a deadly epidemic of the future? Is mental telepathy possible, and what kind of world would we live in if thought transference were made a common means of communication? Would there be a telepathic upper class and a non-telepathic lower class? How might fallout affect the future of the race? How might..? What has scientific progress left to science fiction? What remains to write about?


Now I want to go to the library.


Monday, April 04, 2005

Ahh! What happened to flickr?
No picture today? Damn.

Anyway. Yesterday was... an alright day. I worked from 11-3, and felt good about it. Then once I got home the sister came over and we started work on my hair. It's slightly blue.. but, I wouldn't say the color defines it or anything. She opted to do highlights of it so the bleach wouldn't completely destroy my hair, but most of the actual color didn't hold. So I have about 6 stripes of blue in the front/center parting, and in the under layers, then the rest consists of the base black and highlights which are made up of several shades, from brown, to a strawberry reddish color, to blonde, to white. There are pieces of silver, and silvery blue... many hues. It's interesting, and I like it. I'm just not big on the uniform highlights look. Just about everyone has it, which gets to me. She did give me a great cut, though.. so now the length is just below my shoulders. Overall, I find it to be a good change. I just don't love it enough to keep it for long. Therefore, I'm just going to play around with it alot. Then cut it much shorter and funkier... and maybe try for some red. Eh, we'll see.

Today I slept late and went to work. Besides that I haven't done much. Sad but painfully true. I'm talking to V, one of T's friends whom I met a long time ago but haven't seen much of since. It's interesting. I need to get some school work done tonight. I had planned to do it on Saturday, but spent my time in other ways. Whoops.

Anyway... sorry to dedicate this post to my hair, and other shallow crap...but I really need to get going. I may mess around with my hair, break out the 40 vol bleach I bought last week. Heh heh.

au revoir, J'adore vous.


Saturday, April 02, 2005

i know you won't forget it

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
"My warrior woman.. she will always be mine. Always, and never."

~Dwight, Sin City

Saw that movie today. It was awesome. Graphic, revealing, bloody, violent, creative, and beautiful. I highly recommend it. I'd like to see it again. My favorite character was Kevin. Despite the fact that he would, you know, literally eat me... I loved him.

Work sucked tonight. Really, really sucked. Yet I survived, it doesn't matter. It's over, tomorrow will be over soon enough, and I shall have blue hair. That will make life better. Momentarily. Everything's momentary, though... so what's the difference? There isn't one. We're all the same, we're all combined.. our particles are overlapping. I Heart Huckabees.

I'm at S's house... to help her clean her room. I like being here. Sure beats home. I think she and I have managed to build up an immunity to each other. We just don't get upset with each other anymore. She can spend a week at my house, without a single catty comment. Sure, maybe we run out of things to talk about.. but silence is magnificent.

Um.... besides that there isn't much to say. Besides I'm missing T, horribly... madly... desperately... torturously. But it's cool..


Friday, April 01, 2005

don't hold yourself like that

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
Due to lack of money, I'm currently consuming an attempt at homemade mac and cheese. Which, in my laziness, consists of boiled macaroni noodles and shredded cheddar cheese. I find it surprisingly tolerable.

That's life right now..... tolerable. It's walking a fine line, though. Tonight after work I just about collapsed in tears on the kitchen floor. I've been impulsive recently. I think that's uncharacteristic of me, but I'm not sure.

Tomorrow is much welcome oppurtunity to go somewhere and do something. I don't work until 5, and S and I shall do something. Movie, perhaps? Perhaps. Perhaps. Perhaps.

Speaking of tomorrow, I was reading blogs a day or so ago, and saw something written about diaries... the blogger talked about how "I wonder what will happen tomorrow" would always follow their entries as a child. I found that oddly touching. That was hope.

I shall have blue hair on sunday. Maybe that's why I've decided to do that to myself... I desperately crave a change.

Now I must find tomorrow's movie listings, then call S, then work on my painting, then read Sandman, then.... the best, SLEEP.

aahh.... life isn't so bad. I do enjoy dreaming.


feeling so unholy

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
It's been an interesting day.

I accomplished a few things, getting some school work done and finishing the first sketch of a future painting.

I tried something for the first time... which really wasn't as fulfilling as I expected it to be. I'll just say I've decided to be a second-hand smoker, nothing more.

I feel like an artist. That's always welcome. I can draw well, and take some awesome photos. Will it all come crashing down later tonight or tomorrow when I attempt to tackle the actual paint part of that composition? Will I dreadfully realize that I just can't handle a brush correctly and hate myself for it? Who knows. I'm willing to risk it.
I'm willing to risk alot of things, and I like that.
I'll try just about anything.
I'm confident.
I'm secure without support, because I have myself.
I have a strong sense of what "myself" actually is.

So I shouldn't allow all this disappointment. Yet, why should I want to lose it?

S and I went out for Ben and Jerry's a little while ago. It was really good... and kind of like a mini celebration in honor of her new full time job at the WC Library. Yay!
We also randomly stopped by T's house... who looked amazingly cute.
Made the day a little bit better. :)

She has brought me the second Sandman comic, and I'm subtly thrilled. That's just me so very often.... subtle.