Tuesday, May 31, 2005

red, you go to my head

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.

Many thoughts pass me by as I sink into the well-worn swing. My spot.
I begin to remember the fortune teller's words as I begin to swing. Back and forth. Back and forth.
She said that in the next 3 months my living arrangement would change in some way, and that my environment is very important to my well-being. "The huge mansion in the wrong town isn't going to do it for you," she had said. Precisely, I had said in my smile. The chemical makeup of my body will change.. and my diet and cravings will change. "Are you pregnant?" she had asked. No. The next card says by this time next year, "Memorial Day, 2006," I will be with a good, caring, loving man. The odd thing? He will want to impregnate me. "He may not want children, but he will want to get you pregnant. It might just be a hormonal thing with him," she told me. Great.

Back and forth, back and forth, the swing coninues, becoming the rythem of life. I close my eyes and lose myself, letting my body sink with each pull of gravity. I watch the flashes of light behind my eyes. Everything becomes fake and nothing exists. My particles dissolve with the never-ending black hole of matter. The sound of the wailing cricket and the pound of helicopters above is only sound effects, the screen remains blank and all is nothing.
She sings. She swings and sings to my right. Far away, to my right, on another playground. I smile, for she is in her reality and I am in mine. We are completely separate and the same.
I'm getting closer and closer, within reach of the ultimate answer. I feel as if I'm reaching a home, becoming one with the universe.
All is fluid, there is eternal peace within sight.
And then..
a bee flies up my nose.

Perhaps I was getting too close for comfort.


Sunday, May 29, 2005

mother earth, you've got to respect her

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
It's been a while and I'm sorry for neglecting you. But let me just start out by saying that Friday the 27th of May was the BEST NIGHT OF MY LIFE. I finally have it on record.
Sure, there was the hanging out with new people and the talking my way into the club I was under age for and the awesome bands and the beautiful boys. You know what sucks tremendously, though? Is that I can't even tell you the real reason why it's earned such a valuable title. Who knows who reads this, and it's something serious enough that I don't want it spreading around. It seems everyone knows everyone, and it would just be my luck for the news to seep into the circle of people at work. That would be bad. VERY VERY bad.
Let's just say I never dreamed it could actually happen.
Let's just say it made me HAPPY for the first time in months.
Let's just say it was incredible.
Let's just say I'm hoping for a repeat, but I'm not keeping my hopes up. Just the one time is enough to satisfy.
And B, the one and only person I know I could trust enough to tell... just about choked me to death when she heard. That was half the fun... the look on her face.


Today I got called into work at 11:30 AM to help with the morning shift. I just got home. I'm a bit tired, to say the least. That's like 10 hours at that place. There were two hours in between the morning and night shift.. I spent them sitting on the Publix sidewalk, staring at people, being all introspective, and buying bobby pins.
Oh yes, and Waiter Ge got fired. :( I really liked him. Alot. Damn. Maybe he should have shown up at work, but still. Damn.

I'm staying the night at S's tonight. It seems I'm never home anymore, so I never find time to blog. The last two nights I haven't gotten in until 3 AM.. having the best night of my life, and seeing multiple movies with S. Crash and The Longest Yard.. I was surprised, they were both really good.

Crap.. I really need to do some school work. Maybe I will now.

Yet throughout it all... I will be re-living it, the best experience on the best. night. of. my. life.

I still just can't even fucking believe it happened! AAAAHH!


Friday, May 27, 2005

i'm sick of communicating

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
It's 4:15 and I need to be at work in about 45 minutes. It always takes me much longer to get ready for work than I expect. So being here right now is a bad idea.
However, I shall continue.

I should be off to the renaissance festival again tomorrow. I'm looking forward to it, since I'm not feeling so horribly sick anymore. Things are clearing up. Who knows, maybe I'll even be able to sleep comfortably tonight.

I really need to establish some type of order in my life. Everything is out of place and awkward, and it's taking a mental toll on me. I really need to finish my room, for one. I can go through with creating some type of work space in there. I still have my raging organization bug, it's just been unconscious for a while now. I feel it waking up. Once again, I need change. I don't know what to alter, though. Absolutely nothing is stable right now.

I think one of the worst things for me is being at the ren fest without any money. All the pretty stuff.. must buy. I didn't buy anything Sunday, but that's because I was too fucked up to even look at anything. I'm just kicking myself, though, because I've spent too much recently to spend any at the ren fest. All the best stuff, like corsets and dresses, are very expensive.

Well, I guess I'll leave for work now. Hopefully I'll pull out some better posts in the next couple of days.


Thursday, May 26, 2005

what you want to say

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
Ah, a pirate at the ren fest. What more could you ask?

Oh, more... much much more.

Just wait for the bellydancer.


Monday, May 23, 2005

one of these days

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
I never updated on the medical issue, but a few days after the doctor visit they called saying the test they had done for strep had grown.. and proven positive. I had absolutely zero symptoms besides that rash. Yesterday, however.. the strep just hit me. WHAM! Like a ton of bricks. I woke up aching, literally from head to toe. It was just perfect timing, too, considering the day was to be my first visit to the renaissance festival this month. I toughed it out.. dragged my ass out of bed and laced myself into my tiny little corset. I'm very surprised I didn't just pass out at some point. By the time I left the house I had downed some strep antibiotics and added some midol into the mix for all the muscle pain. Then once I got to the festival I sucked down a few gulps of some kind of bacardi, and smoked a cigarette and ~something else~. Somehow that whole antibiotics "don't take with alcohol" thing managed to slip my mind. On top of everything else, I could barely breathe. I was feeling funky... very BAD funky.
Once I got home at about 7 pm I ripped off all the constricting attire and passed out in bed. I didn't wake up until about noon today. I haven't blogged because until now I haven't been able to stand or even sit up for long without feeling like I'll throw up and/or pass out.
Yeah, so.. fuck this. I'm so ready to not be sick anymore. What a way to ruin my ren fest. I'll actually enjoy it once I'm there and feeling well.
I did get some awesome pictures, though. I'll surely be sharing some once I have the energy to upload them.
Peaches and Cream

Well there's far too many questions to ask,
To answer any of them tonight.
For I wear too many masks,
To tell if any of them are wrong or right.
And confusion casts a shadow upon me,
Like a great big cloud in the sky.
And now I pray for rain
Cause it's been so long since I let myself cry ~

For so long, I've sang this sad ole song.
And it feels like my time is up.

~John Butler Trio


Saturday, May 21, 2005

mr. sandman.....

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
Ah, blogging time. My favorite.

I reflect on my day and find it sad and empty. I don't believe I belong here. This place, this time, this age, this... everything.

Ty came over last night and therefore I didn't get to sleep until around 5 AM today. I woke at 11 AM. I'm not sure why I got up. Perhaps I didn't want to miss the day. Not like there was much to it anyway.

I went to work at 5 PM and felt uncomfortable. I was only there for two hours though, because it was so slow. B left with me so we could hang out a bit.
We went to Blue Cactus and swooned over Torturously gorgeous waiter J. Neither one of us was hungry, but I guess we figured why not jump at a chance for such viewing pleasure? DAMN that boy.
After that we sat around on crates behind the restaurants. We ate Starburst.. tossed them up into the air as high as we could.. bummed cigarettes off kitchen boys.. and talked about how frustrated we both are.

I suppose if I were forced to choose the best thing that happened today, I'd describe the following:
At about 15 minutes before closing, B and I went back into Bricks and sat at the bar. I was leaning over on the bar, head rested on my crossed arms, and B was sitting at my right side. Torturously gorgeous waiter J was there, having a bit of an argument with bossman D. As J was leaving B summoned him over to ask about what had happened. He came to my left side, and B gestured for him to come closer so she could whisper to him. He bent over the barstool I was on, and rested his chin on my back to talk to her. It gave me chills, and as I looked to the right our heads were mere inches apart. It was beautiful I tell you, beautiful.

Now I'm home and find myself feeling hopeless. I should work on my floor, but I need something relatively uplifting. I would paint but I have no canvas, and anything I'd do right now requires it. I could watch a movie. I should.. I will.
Problem is the only movie I have at the moment is Venga, some foriegn film about... what else? Love. The last thing I want to see is anything about love. Especially true love. Particularly deep, pure, everlasting love.
Love sucks.
Life's a bitch.
Then you die.


you don't have to worry 'bout what everybody might say

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
Horny AND hyper!?

Exhibit A:
I'm at Bricks at 9:30 PM or so with S.. feeling lucky to have been seated in Waiter Ge's section. I'm gawking at him, admiring his pants, and having visions of throwing him down on the table to... well, you know. That skinny, smoky goodness is seriously turning me on. I end up leaving him a $20 tip.. on a $9 check.

Exhibit B:
I'm in the Publix parking lot with S, taking on the role of the wild, adventurous one. I grab her arm, dragging her towards the parked car containing a painfully beautiful young guy. He has dark hair, a lip ring, and is wearing a striped shirt. What really sets our hearts a-flutter, however, is that he's sitting there reading a book. We approach:
Me: Hello. We think you're gorgeous.
S: and... what book are you reading!?
I walk away from him remembering very little.. it was a book of short stories by a young author, and lip ring boy was waiting for his friend, and.. all else has vanished. I didn't even ask his name.. just told him he was gorgeous and let him know his lip ring was hot. He didn't seem to mind.

Exhibit C:
I'm curled up on the couch when a commercial with some really, really.... really hot guy comes on. I'm instantly sitting up.. simply saying, "oh my god" over and over in admiration.

S tells me I'm actually a raging feminist... I just happen to like guys.

I can see that.

Today within a couple hours I actually managed to paint something I love. It came out the way I wanted... I didn't rush the work as I approached finishing...and (being a self portrait) it actually looked like me! The accomplishment just sent me reeling.. and since then I've felt this raging hyper-ness.
Maybe it's just happiness... something so unfamiliar that this unexpected dose of it feels miles high.

Perhaps a corresponding low will follow.

Perhaps not.

Yet that's just the beauty of life, isn't it? Not knowing. The mystery of every possible thing.
Most of the time I hate not knowing things, though. Suspense has never felt good to me.
So there's the problem.



Thursday, May 19, 2005

i'm bound to ramble

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
with another.. all my days, with my lover.

Tonight at work I found a reason not to have a thing for Waiter Ge. Maybe he has a gorgeous lanky body, and smells really good, and is cute and quiet and has an adorable little unidentifiable difference in his speech (almost like an accent, but not), and a beautiful smile, and the sexiest walk.. and maybe I constantly fantasize about jumping him in the dish hole, BUT... tonight I heard him say the following:
"I can't stand cats!"
I don't think I can love a man who can't love my cat.


living dead girl

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
I'm in the process of eating a piece of chicken and french fries. The french fries are done perfectly.. and I tell you, this is some of the best chicken I have ever eaten. I find myself flirting with the edges of delight.. simply because, I cooked it all for myself. I can cook! Ah!
French fries are easy, but chicken is a different story. It was awesome, though.. because I just guessed as I went along. I threw a frying pan on the stove and poured oil in it... grabbed a few random spices from the cabinet (I think they were ground ginger, Mrs. Dash, and something else I either can't remember or didn't read the label on) and sprinkled them on the chicken, threw it in the pan, turned it over a few times... got bored and poured a little soy sauce on each side... and that was it. Luckily it wasn't pink.. but cooked through. I'm very surprised it tasted so good... who would have known my little guessing game would actually work?
I've accomplished something... how refreshing.

Oh yeah.. I also stumbled on some random cans of paint and had fun with my bedroom walls earlier. Now one of them has this beautiful work, featuring some Japanese calligraphy that means 'peace'. I also painted a huge square of white on another wall to use as a 'canvas' in the future. Then I decided to attempt something relatively realistic in a painting.. and did the head and shoulders of an old woman on another wall from a book I had. It went very well and looked great for a while, but as I got closer to finishing I grew more impatient and worked quicker... and messed a few things up. I need to work on that, it's definitely a problem. The finished product is cool.. but unsatisfactory. It will be painted over shortly.
My floor is still unfinished, although I did a bit of work on it today. I'm kind of liking the emptyness in there right now, though. I can just blast music and spend hours staring at the walls.

My little medical problem seems to be heading towards clearing up. That's very, very good. It's just kind of annoying. I keep thinking about calling Ty (that bare floor seems like it would be tons of fun to make out on), then realizing I can't. If I get too close to anyone for the next couple days they'll catch this viral thing. :'(

On a random note... I think I'm turning into a hippie.


Tuesday, May 17, 2005

sparks are going to fly

I must say, I absolutely love my spontaneous side. I have some of the best impulses. Like last night, when I was standing in the center of my empty bedroom and suddenly realized that calling T would be a GREAT idea.
2 hours later, when my phone finally died.. something about it all just felt good.

On the contrary, however... this day has proven that the universe has officially turned against me.

I've never been one to freak out about medical stuff. If I develop a hacking cough, find my stomach in constant turmoil, or discover an odd mark on my body.. the idea of rushing to the doctor's office never phases me. I'm just one of those, "it'll go away" people. But I was actually freaked out enough today to go to the doctor. What caused it? Well, (since I know you're just dying to hear about my personal problems and lack of health) last night at roughly 2 AM I realized there was an unusual amount of itchy-ness going on. After awhile I checked things out and found several patches of some rash-like stuff on my thighs, torso, and arms. After taking a good hot shower, scrubbing myself down, and getting a good night's sleep.. I woke to find things unchanged. I kept trying to think of what could be going on. The top two things that came to mind were... 1) Ty. He could have EASILY given me something, although we haven't had any physical contact for about a week now. 2) I've been doing all that work on my floors.. perhaps an allergic reaction to something in the carpet and/or carpet glue I've been scraping up. Something about it really scared me, though.. so I actually went to the doctor. ~GASP! how freaking long has it been since my last visit?!~ By the time I was there it had spread further down my arms, onto my hands, and even under my chin. At first he said the patches looked like Scarlet Fever, or something associated with strep throat. So he had the nurse test for it, shoving a long cotton swab type thing down my throat... ~gag~. That came out negative... so he had his 'associate' take a look at me. They ended with assuming it's some kind of viral infection I picked up somewhere. So now I'm taking Zyrtec once a day and rubbing some type of stuff on the red areas twice a day. The idea? It should be gone in a week. If not, I go back. PLEASE BE GONE IN A WEEK!! PLEASE!!!!!
I'm still all uncomfortable about it, though. Maybe I've just read too many doctor horror stories about their mistakes... wrong diagnosis, symptoms overlooked. Something's just making me fear that in a week I'll be covered with oozing boils and on the brink of death.
Such an optimist, you know?

Anyway. On a lighter note.. I got my first Film Movement DVD already. I was so surprised for some reason, like it should have taken another century to arrive, or something. This particular DVD is celebrating the art of the short film.. and has 6 short films on it. Hooray.

I'm just getting so sick of being unhappy.
I think I'll do some school work, then go for a walk, then work on that floor... yes, I know... super smart to work on it when there's a fair chance it's causing this possibly fatal reaction.. but whatever.


Monday, May 16, 2005

all you need is love


Since 10:30 am today, I've been sitting on my floor scraping carpet glue off the newly revealed wood flooring. It's a shitty job, but somebody's got to do it.. and it's my room... and it was my idea to rip the carpet up.. and it will so be worth it when it's finished.
Meanwhile all the crap from my room is taking up half the living room and lining the hallways. I suppose I can only trust no one will curiously peer into boxes or open drawers.

I'm severely depressed. So I'm assuming this sudden manic attempt to transform my room is a side effect of that. ~MUST CHANGE SOMETHING! MUST ALTER ENVIRONMENT!~ Something along those lines. I'm seriously working towards pursuing the arts, though. I have nothing else to focus on right now, so why not put this mental breakdown to good use? I'm thinking once I get to where I'm moving stuff back into the room.. I'll dedicate an entire area to work.. as a sort of makeshift studio area.
I can only hope my efforts don't fall through. Really, now, would I be able to handle it if something else in life I put so much of myself into fell apart? Probably not. We're talking asylum time here or something.
Either that, or my final work of art... a room occupied by a bloody mass of defeat.


Saturday, May 14, 2005

It's 1 pm on Saturday, a waking time I'm proud of.
Despite my thoughts of collaging or reading or drawing.. I'm going to do some school work today. It's been severely neglected, and I'm growing tired of lying everytime someone asks how it's coming.
I got out of my shift at work last night. Sad, considering it was one of my only 3 shifts for the entire week.. and with those 5 hours given up I deducted a little over $30 from my next paycheck. I was really feeling like shit, though. What employer would want a sick, depressed hostess dragging her ass around the restaurant all night? I don't know.. it took D bossman two or three weeks to say something about the blue hair.
I liked it better black anyway.

I've been missing Taos like crazy. I'm thinking about trying to get out there early next year. I can start saving some money right now, and by then I'll have plenty to get around with.. without so much help from my aunt.

Problem is, I can't decide on anything right now. I feel like a shell.
I suppose now is the time to start thinking about things, and what I really want. Time is passing too quickly, and it seems I'm spending to much of it in the dark.

Friday, May 13, 2005

been given 24 hours

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
I'm here at the library again, ready to go home for the first time in a while now.
A shower sounds inviting... a manicure. My hair needs to be washed, it will be awhile before the color settles and looks good.
I have to work at 5. I'm not looking forward to that, nor am I dreading it. Whatever. It's something to do I guess. At least I'll have some time alone before I have to go. Let's just pray I don't have to walk, shall we? I may have to refuse, in this heat. It's been way too fucking sunny.. and the high temperature just saturates me in discomfort.
I've gotten a few DVD's from here. That will give me some distraction for after work. I may be too tired to watch any by then, though. I've been going about in this sluggish, worn-out mode all day.

I've considered buying this Sleeptracker watch. It's supposed to be able to detect your sleep patterns, and within a time frame you set, wake you up at the most ideal moment. Apparently you'll wake up feeling rested and full of energy. I could definitely use something like that. It's something like, $150, though. I'm not too keen on shelling that out right now... x10 considering I just spent more on that Film Movement subscription.
Maybe after a few more paychecks I'll consider it again.
I've been pining for an Ipod lately, too.
Bad buying thoughts!
I wonder if I should even allow myself to take money to the ren fest. There's no doubt in my mind I'd leave with every cent of it spent. I'm guessing the first day I go, I'll go pennyless. We'll see how much that hurts.

Ty hasn't called me in a couple days. I have a surprisingly sure feeling he's in jail. We won't go into details here, but.. he's gauranteed to do some time. If not at this moment, soon enough. Maybe he isn't.. who knows. I'm not calling him anytime soon, though.. so, I guess I'll just have to find out some other time. Somehow it isn't bothering me much.
I do hate this alone feeling, though. It's something I do not handle well. It certainly isn't something I have any pride about, but I will admit I really love the feeling that comes with having a man there. Just someone who's more than a friend.. it's that vague air of protection, assurance.
Now it's just odd to be without it.

I've got to quit with these lonely posts.

Gotta run


Thursday, May 12, 2005

where you run is where you hide

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
better hope you're hiding well.

I'm sitting in the WC library with a Nightmare Before Christmas messenger bag on my lap. It's full of Nashville Scenes, one with a page of movie listings drawn all over with ink pen... one with an article about blogging in it.
Beside me lay two art books about drawing.
My nails are painted black but chipped, revealing grey stains from dye. My hair is black, thick with flecks of color yet to remove themselves. I'm wearing a green sweater that falls off my shoulders, revealing blue bra straps. My pants are greyish black, and Converse don my feet.
I'm wearing makeup.. but from the last couple mirror glances I can't say it's doing much good.
I just checked my phone. No one has called today.. except someone with a wrong number looking for someone with a rich-sounding name.

I'm bleeding, and I feel out of shape. I really, really, find it VERY sad that I feel out of breath when I climb the library staircase.

I just subscribed to Film Movement, this awesome online thing that sends you foreign and independent films every month... stuff you wouldn't usually see. I'm all about foreign and independent... hell YES. It cost me $159 for the year.. not bad, being roughly $13 a month. Surely to be worth it.
S and I watched a movie last night.. The Rage in Placid Lake. A foriegn film, although I'm not sure where exactly from. All the previews were in French and all the actors in the actual movie had Australian accents. It was an awesome movie. There was this thing about Film Movement on there, so I had to check it out.

I'm feeling the need to define myself today. I simply haven't felt like myself at all for awhile now. Since this whole T break up, I've been completely thrown off balance. He was such a huge part of me.. we were so interwoven, it's been as if a chunk of my self was ripped away. It's hard to suddenly have to re-invent.
I don't know what I am.
This is one of those serious contemplation phases, wherein I must discover who and what I am.
The only thing I've never had any pure doubts about, is the fact that I'm an artist. Through and through I tell you. I've only recently accepted the term, seems too respectable, but I am.
So, may I now resolve to pour what is left of me into developing talents.
There's just SO many choices. The 'arts' touches myriads of practices.

That's what my mind is.... one massive collage.. confusing, colorful yet dark, complex, layered.. something you can look at with awe and with every study be gauranteed to find something new you had never noticed before.

dear god help me


Wednesday, May 11, 2005

damned to hell

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
Alright, so I'm feel the pivotal point of this whole Ty thing. I can either let myself like him and break out the emotions, keep it all on the down-low and try not to get too mentally involved, or just not care and go with the flow.
I'm thinking ~flow~ is the best option here.
Plus I'm all paranoid now, since I found out yesterday that he knows a certain female someone I know as well, and that she has a crush on him. But we won't fucking go there.

Today had a really great start. I woke at about 3pm, much later than I had hoped, but whatever. I just felt good. I cranked up John Butler Trio, raided the kitchen, watched with a frail heart as elementary children stuck a tiny american flag in my front yard, dyed my hair black, copied french language learning cd's to my computer, and actually started work on my room cleaning.
I don't know what happened. Where did this sudden trough in emotional waves come from? Maybe from simply wondering why Ty hadn't called me back like he said he would, and allowing stupid ideas of him being with ~her~ to enter my mind. It's just that if I lost him to her... of all females on the planet... I would have to murder someone. Maybe him. He's going to jail any day now anyway.

So this is just a support post for myself. To say, hey, snap out of it. It doesn't matter anyway. Enjoy this day you have to yourself. Clean. Eat. Watch tv. Have a loving moment with your cat. Do simple things and be at peace. Don't think about anything that doesn't require your thought. Just be.

You don't have love, but that's okay. You have yourself.
What was it they said on that Sex and the City episode you stumbled on last night? It was surprisingly close to heart for you... strange since you'd never watched the show. Something like:
The most important relationship you have is the one you have with yourself. If you happen to find someone who can share that love for you.... that's great. ~
Something like that... probably better worded.

I am now officially snapped.


left me here

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
I've been glad about these three days off from work. Unfortunately I feel I've wasted the first. I spent most of it in a haze, because at 2:30 am on Tuesday, Ty showed up and I ended up spending the entire night and day with him. I was so ready to sleep before he called.. but for some reason I lugged myself out of bed.
He didn't actually leave until about 2 or 3 pm, when we walked to the fieldstone park. Not only was I bordering complete exhaustion, but then we ran into some of his friends and ended up smoking some stuff out there. That was the perfect addition to my deepset haze, eh?
On top of all that, something I ate at Bricks fucked my stomach up for a good long while. All around I've felt like shit.
Once I made it back home I collapsed on the couch.. and I've been there ever since. No real sleep, though, so I should be passing out shortly.

I hope my day off tomorrow will be better. No constant headache, no turning stomach... and I'd like to be fully aware of my surroundings.


Monday, May 09, 2005

never find our way

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
I bend over, picking at a box of 'commercial can liners' I need to empty trash cans in the Brick's bathrooms. I suddenly catch a whiff of cigarettes, wafting in from the back door. It's propped open, and I know a waiter has taken a smoke break. I breath in deeply, wanting to absorb the toxins. Scent is the strongest sense tied to memory, and I am swiftly thrown back into a scene from the night before.
It's late and I'm walking down my driveway with a can of Dr. Pepper. It seems to burn my hand, being so cold. I turn left to see Ty's car parked a few yards away. He's leaning against it, wearing a cowboy hat that catches my hair when we kiss. It's misplaced, considering his hoodie and cargo pants. Within a few feet, I smell the cigarette smoke. Uh oh. The can is set on the top of the car and I'm against him instantly. "Ooohh.. you've been smoking!" I lean close, sniffing at and kissing his nose and mouth. "I love that." He smiles and seems surprised with, "You do?" Mm hm.
It feels odd to think of that. As I pull out the 'commercial can liners' and make my way back through the kitchen, thoughts of him begin to swarm my mind. Some of the things he says, and says he feels. It was strange for him to ask about meeting my parents already. How did I not react badly when he talked about us marrying in a few years? I cannot allow myself to believe he loves me. Not so soon. Not right after what I went through with T. Ty is hard to judge, though. He's incredibly respectful and sweet. He's lived in Germany.. and speaks the language. That's sexy. We carry on conversation and touch easily. Yet I can't let myself have faith in another relationship. I still love T deeply. That brings on another memory from later in that same night.
In his car, we've been doing very naughty things and talking simultaneously. We kiss and pull away, kiss and pull away, speaking in between kisses. *kiss* "Have you ever been in love," he asks. *kiss* "Yes," I respond. *longer kiss* "I have," I add. *kiss* I continue, "So you better be careful," *kiss* "because I know what love is," *kiss* "and.." he cuts me off with, "No you haven't." *kiss* I ask what he means. *kiss* He continues, "You know how I know?" *kiss* "Because if you've ever really been in love," *kiss* "you wouldn't be here with me right now." There's a pause, because I'm thrown off gaurd. I smile, thinking of what I could say to him, and realizing they'd be hurtful. So I don't say a word, and distract him in other ways.
What can I conclude, but that life's a bitch. He's asked if he's a rebound and I've described the situation. I'm not completely considering him one anymore. These thoughts are continuing as I turn the corner of the kitchen door and make my way to the bathrooms. The tips of my shoes are clicking, my heel is hurting. 'Tis better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all? I don't think so.


Sunday, May 08, 2005

It's near 9 pm and female B and I are sitting in a booth at Blue Cactus, sucking down sprite and dr. pepper, contemplating what she should do about her new boyfriend. He's been acting like an ass.
~Exit Torturously gorgeous waiter J~
~Enter new waiter M~
M: So, what's going on? Why ya freaking out?
~B says nothing, just carries a dramatic, troubled expression.~
Me: You know pizza boy J? He used to make pizzas over at Bricks? I don't know if he left before you started or not.
M: Hmm.. oh, yeah, I think I know who you're talking about.
Me: Yeah, well she's dating him. But he's acting kinda psycho all the sudden. All this religious, spiritual shit... like it's all in your head, if you have the will to walk on water you can. Problem is, he's trying to force it on her... won't shut up about it.
M: That's weird.
B: Yeah. Plus there's all these different stories I've been hearing about him and his ex-girlfriend.
~Somehow sex comes into the conversation.... doesn't it always?"
M: So she had sex with him?
M: And you had sex with him?
~B gasps, reacting in her typical inexperienced teenage girl way.~
B: No!!
~I laugh a bit, M and I exchange smiles.
M: But you want to?
~B shakes her head furiously.~
M: Well why are you with him if you don't want to have sex with him?
B: I don't know!
M: I have never dated someone I didn't want to have sex with.
~I grin. This is interesting. There's a minor silence.~
Me: Well, it may be different for the sexes.
M: You mean, boys and girls?
Me: Yeah.
~Yeah, M... that's what the term 'sexes' means.~
Me: Like, I guess we could be with someone we didn't want to have sex with... but that could change over time.
B: Yeah.
M: Like once he loses a few pounds, right? Haha... I've got to get going.
~He gets up, walks out... call back to us in the process..~
M: Good luck. Hope you guys get some.. or whatever.

I'm left thinking.... 'wow, this guy has never been in love.'
Neither has B.
Later that night, I've been walking around Publix with a friend of mine from work. We're leaving with a box of condoms. We've been laughing, happy to share the experience of buying condoms for the first time with each other.
Her: I don't plan on using these anytime soon.. I just figure it's smart to have some on hand. You never know, you know?
Me: Yeah, exactly. It's just good to have them.
~Our conversation has brushed many topics, including Torturously gorgeous waiter J.~
Me: My god, J is so fucking beautiful. I wouldn't mind using one with him!
Her: Oh, I know. Me too.
Me: I want him.
Her: I want him too.
Me: Okay, neither one of us can fuck him, alright? Because if you do, I'll hate you, and if I do, you'll hate me. So, just... no.
Her: But we can share!
Me: Eh, I don't like sharing.


Saturday, May 07, 2005


Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
Well, let me be contrary to my word and say I've found that 'lame useless rebound relationship'. It was just such perfect timing. I was at a thrift shop in Nashville on Thursday when Ty called. I hadn't talked to him since that day of three phone conversations. Apparently he's been in Canada... and his car got stolen before that, or something..... whatever.
We decided to hang out that night. I don't know if it's fair to pin 'relationship' on this, maybe just 'lame useless rebound', cuz it was nothing more than a very interesting, very adventurous, very illegal night with Ty... this (I was right) constantly stoned, really cute, very loud, extremely horny guy.
Alot happened between us, but I denied his sex requests.. because, A) I haven't decided about sex before marraige or not, B) It was the very first night I ever hung out with him, C) I don't like him enough.
I'm not taking this seriously.
Who knows if he'll even call me again.
He's a not too great of a kisser anyway.
But.. bad timing situation, too. That very night... I got a bunch of messages from a long-time guy friend revealing his feelings for me. Apparently he's wanted to be with me since day one. So... fuck! I've talked to him since then, but the messages weren't brought up. I really just have no idea what to do about that.

In other news,
Work sucks right now.
The renaissance festival is this month.. yay! I'm so glad I never started that pirate coat for T. Who knows what I would have done to it that night... burned it? Ripped it to shreds? Cried all over it? All of the above? I feel bad about never starting my sister's dress, though. I could start now and have it done in time for her to wear it during one of the last weekends. I might do that.
I really need to get some school work done. Being absorbed in personal matters, I've neglected the academics.
I have to be at work in half an hour.. and I'm a mess.


Wednesday, May 04, 2005

i've got nobody to call my own

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
Well, as of last night I am now single. Yeah. I'm lovin' it. Woo hoo. Party.

~helpless whimper~


So today as I woke, and experienced this instant sinking feeling upon remembering.. it was more then just a struggle to get my ass out of bed and to the hospital to see my ailing grandmother. I stood there, the dusty germ-infested hospital walls shrinking in on me.. and it was the most depressed state I could have possibly found myself in. Every once in awhile I'd just begin to cry. Everyone thought it was for my grandmother, but she's doing fine. She's recovering steadily.. she hasn't vanished from my sad little world like the love of my life just has.
Miraculously, I haven't lost hope. I'm not empty enough to have a razor to my wrist or a gun to my head.
Sure, I could say I could get another guy easily... find myself in some lame useless rebound relationship, but I'm stronger than that. I don't want anyone else right now, so I'll stick it out and see what comes.
Maybe tomorrow I'll turn a corner and run into my soul mate. Maybe I won't. Maybe he was my soul mate. Maybe not. But why should I dwell on it? I'm just going to live, because what else can I do? There's more than enough ahead of me. More love to find.. more world to see.. more everything.


Tuesday, May 03, 2005

this sad old song

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
I don't really know what to do right now.
I almost feel as if I'm in the beginning of some sort of transition phase.
Something is changing.
Either that, or I'm craving change.
I'm not liking life right now.
I desperately need something new and different, something to alter life.. maybe, I should ... no, too drastic, too...... well,
I don't know.
I was invited to go bowling on Friday with a bunch of people from work. It was C, in the kitchen, who invited me. He's really, really sweet. I like him. There are a few problems, though. 1, I hate bowling with people I don't know well. I don't find the idea of standing up in front of everyone with my ass in full view, just to make a fool of myself.... desirable. 2, I have no car.. so how the hell will I get there and back so late? It's all planned to start at 11. Plus, I absolutely HATE asking people for rides.. so I wouldn't be able to bring myself to ask anyone.
All in all... I don't really want to go. New friends, better relationships at work... yes, all good, but... I don't know, I just don't want to.
So what will be my excuse?
I've got a week to think about it.


Monday, May 02, 2005

Beyond my greatest expectations

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.

Where do I begin?

The show was at 3rd and Lindsley, in Nashville.

Kyle Riabko came on first... a twig of a guy, very cute and very talented. He had alot of energy, to say the least. He played with passion... and his sweat, expression, movements, made me think, "It's like he's making love to his guitar."
Funny, how his next words were, "Here's a song about sex."
That works.

During that show I looked around alot, thoroughly entertained but curious about what other kinds of people would be there. It was very diverse. A fair share of hippies, yuppies, geeks, and people like me... yes, all of one. As I scanned the room, observing, my eye was caught in disbelief. There was John Butler, walking right through the room. I stared, following him with my eyes.. after he had passed and was out of view I smacked S and said, "He just walked by." Only then did my jaw drop.

When it was time for John Butler Trio to perform I found myself beginning to appreciate life and it's beauty. It all seemed worthwhile for moments like that. S and I were lucky to snag a couple chairs very, very close to the stage, and right next to where the instruments were kept. Therefore, when John Butler came out.. he was standing right next to me. Literally a foot away, looking exquisite and seeming frustrated. (Turns out they'd had airport troubles all day.. hence the frustration. They had technical problems with the sound, too.. but it was lovely to see his mood progress upwards as the show went on.) I watched as he opened his water bottle, took one sip, and placed it on my table. He forgot about it later, so I kept it. The sound guys were right behind me, so as they got up on stage and I eyed John the whole time, he kept looking right over my head to ask for more vocals, more whatever. I was entranced, but that was only the beginning.

His dreads were held back in two braids.. he wore a orange/brown plaid shirt and well worn brown pants. A couple of his guitars were drawn on with gorgeous scenes depicting the 'Sunrise Over Sea' theme, the title of their new album and a strong line in 'Peaches and Cream', a song about his wife and daughter. A beautiful song.

The performance was awe-inspiring. Their sound was incredible. The way John can work those guitars is mind-blowing. The other two guys, on stand-up bass and drums, were awesome. I just found myself very still, very silent, just fixed on John, taking in his words, his voice, his amazing beyond belief talent.

One really staggering part of the show, was when John stood up and ran behind the drummer, to pull out... his bongos. The bass player had another drum, and all three of them played this fantastic beat you just couldn't help but move to. I ended up standing, gripping the back of my chair, leaning over and smiling in awe as my hips moved on their own.

Another scene that really branded my memory was in the middle of the show when the other band members took a break as John performed on his own. He did a song, a wordless song, about a time in his life when he discovered music. Being an artist, he said, he had at first thought to become an art teacher. It was the only way he could think of to be an artist and have it pay. Then he found music, and connected, and began performing on streets. The song was so, so intense.. and you could see every fiber of his being, thoroughly poured into it. I just about cried. In fact, I very nearly did quite a few times. It was that good.

It wasn't until the very end that I really just couldn't help myself and had to dance with S and whoever else was around. It was after the show had basically ended, and everyone shouted for more. So they came back on and played a few more.. the last being Zebra. When I heard the beginning of it I flew out of my chair and sang every word. It was the very first song of theirs I'd ever heard, so I was loving it.

Once the show ended S and I waited around for the crowd to thin out a bit. Then we made our way to the back to sign the John Butler Trio mailing list and look at what was to buy. I ended up buying his new album. Then we walked through to the front, where Kyle Riabko was with his stuff. He checked me out, (Tee hee.. sorry, just had to tell ya.) and talked to me and S. I shook his hand, told him he was awesome. S said something, then signed his mailing list and bought his album. He kept talking to me, asking about my shirt, "did you go to a preview or something?" and thanking me for coming. (It's my new Charlie and the Chocolate Factory shirt I bought at Hot Topic.. funny, considering it hasn't even come out yet.) I signed the list too.

Then, as we walked out the front, we saw a small crowd of people lining up. Sure enough, there was John Butler standing between a couple cars signing stuff and talking to people. So, like I never expected to do, S and I got in line. I had no idea what to say.. and no pen to get anything signed. So as we got to him, S asked the guy behind us for a pen just in time, so I asked John to sign my album. "Nice pen," he said. I then shook his hand (which I can't even recall at all.. which sucks b/c I really wanted to have the memory of how his hand felt) I then said, "I just wanted to thank you, thank you so much. I just think you're, beyond talent. I really love what you do." That's just what came out. He got this heart-wrenching look on his face, gazed at me, and said something to the effect of 'thank you so much. You know, it's you, the audience that make it all worthwhile. The crowd is really.. like, 50% of it.' By then I was a few steps away, trying not to get in anyone else's way.. so I just said, "Well, thank you." S was right next to me the whole time, and didn't say a word. He told us to have a good one, and I called back for him to have one too. I felt stupid.. it was the first time I ever had anything signed or talked to anyone like that, so it felt weird.

It was awhile before I remembered to read what he wrote on the album.
'Thanx for your time, (heart) John Butler.'