Thursday, June 30, 2005

by the banks of the mighty Bosphorus

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
K, so you might think I'm crazy (oh wait.. that's been confirmed) BUT.. I'm actually doing something social and (for me) adventurous on Saturday. I've been thinking about having a party for months. And, no.. I'm not having a party.. but I'm doing something similar. I actually have people coming over. At first it was just female B.. but the number seems to be growing. At the moment, it's about 6. It's amazing what a simple, 'what are you doing Saturday? Want to come over?' can do. We'll see what happens.. who actually confirms they'll show up. Maybe I'll add on a, 'bring a friend'. It should be interesting. I've never done this before. Who knows.. before long I may lose my 'anti-social' cred.

Male B showed up today right before I got off work. It was awesome to see him. It's been at least a month since our last encounter. We hung out, smoked, walked through Publix.. just talked about anything and everything like we used to. I've realized, that's how you can really pinpoint you're real friends. They're the people you can be away from for weeks, months, even years.. and the day you reunite you're just as close.. as if nothing's changed and no time has passed at all.


Nobody loves me

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
Monday night I walked through the chip aisle at Publix with S. A dragonfly flew past us, then turned left towards the shampoo.


Tuesday, June 28, 2005

clubbed to death

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
One thing that annoys me beyond belief, is when someone tells you they will call at a certain time and then don't do it. It's enough to make me royally angry.. and for most people, that's hard to do.
I will say, though, I absolutely hate making calls. But if I make a promise to do so at a certain time, I will.
I can't seem to make the first call, though. I should not take numbers, I should give mine. If the free, 'call me' is out there.. I won't. Next time the subject of numbers comes up, I'll be sure to remember... No, YOU call ME. Then there will be a much higher chance of some type of contact being made in the future.

Last night while cleaning the Bricks bathrooms, I was emptying the small trash cans in the women's stalls. I happened to notice one of them had an EPT pregnancy test wrapper in it. I wonder how that went. What a way to make or break a good meal. And... what did she do with the actual test stick thing? Umm..

I worked on moving stuff back into my bedroom today. The pile of crap in the living room has been significantly lightened.

So, the night T broke up with me I had a bit of a fit of rage. I deleted every picture of him I had on the computer, among other things. Since then I've had nothing to hold to my heart and cry over. Until today, when I was going through a pile of pictures, drawings, and magazine clippings that were stapled somewhere on my walls at some point. Low and behold, there T was.. a picture someone had taken of him that he sent me. It was wierd to randomly come across that. No, I didn't hold it to my heart and cry.. nor did I trash it angrily. I just stared for awhile.. completely transfixed. Then I nearly jumped out of my skin when my mother came galloping into the room.. saying something about my bed. She stopped and went, "Awww," when she saw the picture. I just about punched her lights out.
Then again.. what's the point in acting like I don't care?

Patience is a virtue.
But take it too far, and it's cowardice.


oh not I

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
It's only happened once or twice, but the memory tends to emerge every once in a while. I'm laying there, feeling relatively fine and trying to fall asleep. Suddenly, however, as if I'm being yanked into sleep far too abruptly.. I lose control of myself. I almost feel as if I'm being sucked into the mattress, and held there, completely stiff. The weight is just unbearable, and I literally cannot move. Instantly, my mind goes into spasms.. something like I'd expect an acid trip to be. I hear painfully realistic things, like high-pitched, hysterical laughter. Disturbing images flash in the darkness of my closed eyes. It's frightening, and I begin to panic.. putting all my strength into bringing myself out of whatever this episode is. But I can't move. I'll push.. desperately trying to kick my legs or move my arms or come back to life, earth, reality. It won't fade, though. I quickly begin to fear I'll never re-surface and I literally become terrified. Panicking, and completely paralyzed. It seems to last at least a minute.. the longest minute ever. Then, suddenly, I can move my fingers and hands. I begin to jerk, clawing at the chance to escape. The ultimate relief comes when I open my eyes and find myself freaked out and sweaty, yet safe in bed. Each time, though, after a few minutes it will happen again. Another phase of rapid torture.
It leaves me feeling nervous, and psychotic. These scenes create some of the only genuine fear I experience. I don't get frantic very often.
So, after a while I fall asleep and wake the next morning not remembering a thing. I only recall the occurence several days later.


Sunday, June 26, 2005

i'm not myself

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
I've been working since 9 AM.. and the floor of my bedroom is now completely finished. It's really beautiful, and as soon as a few minor adjustments are made, I'll be moving all my stuff back in there. It'll be sweet.
But for now I'm just here. I feel a little wierded out.. for two reasons. One, I've been working and so focused on that floor for so long .. now that it's finished and there's nothing to do, I feel a little lost. What do I do with myself? The free time is a tad daunting. The other reason is, my mother helped with the floor work.. and somewhere along the line we got in a long, detailed conversation. I haven't had a conversation with her in years. So the fact that it was so open, and we discovered so much about each other.. just makes me feel really off. I don't know how to react.

So for now.. I'm just going to indulge my addiction to this song Technologic, by Daft Punk. It's in one of those Ipod commercials.. and I'm obsessed for the moment.

So what's my favorite quote for the day?
"I think being good is overrated." ~Me


Saturday, June 25, 2005

do it again

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
My love is as a fever, longing still
For that which longer nurseth the disease,
Feeding on that which doth preserve the ill,
Th' uncertain sickly appetite to please.
My reason, the physician to my love,
Angry that his prescriptions are not kept,
Hath left me, and I desperate now approve
Desire is death, which physic did except.
Past cure I am, now reason is past care,
And frantic-mad with evermore unrest;
My thoughts and my discourse as mad men's are,
At random from the truth vainly expressed.
For I have sworn thee fair, and thought thee bright,
Who art as black as hell, as dark as night.

My love is as a fever
Sonnet 147
William Shakespeare
I Will Be Here
by : Steven Curtis Chapman, Henry Gibson

If in the morning when you wake,
If the sun does not appear,
I will be here.
If in the dark we lose sight of love,
Hold my hand and have no fear,
I will be here.

I will be here,
When you feel like being quiet,
When you need to speak your mind I will listen.
Through the winning, losing, and trying we'll be together,
And I will be here.

If in the morning when you wake,
If the future is unclear,
I will be here.

As sure as seasons were made for change,
Our lifetimes were made for years,
I will be here.
The Flight
by : Sara Teasdale (1884 - 1933), Henry Gibson

Look back with longing eyes and know that I will follow,
Lift me up in your love as a light wing lifts a swallow,
Let our flight be far in sun or blowing rain--
But what if I heard my first love calling me again?

Hold me on your heart as the brave sea holds the foam,
Take me far away to the hills that hide your home:
Peace shall thatch the roof and love shall latch the door--
But what if I heard my first love calling me once more?_______________________________________
A Fragment

Nay, deem me not insensible, Cesario,
To female charms; nor think this heart of mine
Is cas'd in adamant; because, forsooth,
I cannot ogle, and hyperbolize,
And whisper tender nothings in the ear
Of ev'ry would-be beauty, holding out
The bright but treacherous flame of flattery,
To watch the she-moths of a drawing room
Sport round the beam, and burn their pretty wings,
Ere conscious of their danger: yet, believe me,
I love a maid whose untranscended form
Is yet less lovely than her spotless mind.
With modest frankness, unaffected genius,
Unchang'd good humour, beauty void of art,
And polish'd wit that seeks not to offend,
And winning smiles that seek not to betray,
She charms the sight, and fascinates the soul.
Where dwells this matchless nymph? alas, Cesario,
'Tis but a sickly creature of my fancy,
Unparallel'd in nature.

Thomas Love Peacock
Less Than The Cloud To The Wind
by : Sara Teasdale (1884 - 1933), Henry Gibson

LESS than the cloud to the wind,
Less than the foam to the sea,
Less than the rose to the storm,
Am I to thee.

More than the star to the night,
More than the rain to the tree,
More than heaven to earth
Art thou to me.


ride with me

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
It's around 5:20 PM and I've just arrived at work. Instead of going in, however, I opt for Publix. I figure it's about time for my first bit of food for the day.
As I stand there, contemplating which orange to buy, (and realizing it will be the first piece of fruit I have ever bought for myself), I decide to call female B. I'm not sure whether she'll be showing up for work or not. Turns out, she won't. I don't complain, just simply offer my "hello, feel better"'s.
I'm digging through my wallet for the $3.42 I need to pay for the bottle of water and fruit I'm buying. (How freaking healthy does that sound?) As I dig, the girl bagging groceries says the following: "You know, this might sound strange, but I've always really wanted to get to know you." It surprises me. "Really!" I reply. "Yeah," she says, "You just seems like a really, really interesting person." I take this as a huge compliment, but don't really know how to respond. Not many people have said this to me. My reply is a plain, "Well, thank you!"
She begins to ask me questions, the first being, "So is your hair naturally black?" Right as I'm beginning to respond, though, I look to the side and see my aunt walking past. We've noticed each other at exactly the same moment. "Hey!" we both say excitedly. We hug and have a quick conversation.. our questions and answers asked and replied to nearly simultaneously. I can't remember the last time I saw her.
I'm then able to turn my attention back to the girl, and say, "No, actually, I dye it." "Oh," she says, "Well that's fine." Hmm. I get my change, smile at her, begin walking away, and turn to wave and tell her I'll see her later. I should have asked her name or something.. but I'm still new at this whole 'social' thing.
After eating, I still have about 15 minutes before work. I go in anyway, and bask in the fact that I belong there. "Hey, Annie," says waiter J. I respond with a hello, and begin making my way to the bathroom. As I'm walking by the bar I pass H, who flashes me her huge, fake smile and give me a cheery, "Hey!!" I don't believe she's ever greeted me like this before. I smile back and say hello.
I get to the bathroom, take a good long look in the mirror and realize, "Oh my god, I have a life."


Thursday, June 23, 2005

bring me a dream

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
Today at noon I was woken by the doorbell being rung continuously at a maniacal speed. I stayed in bed. Then the ringing turned to pounding, as the unwanted visitor persisted. I stayed in bed. Then the ringing started up again to I stomped out of bed, ripped open the door, and said my very first words for the day:
"What the fuck!?"
I don't remember much besides that. It was S, and she wanted to borrow something. I just went back to bed, turned off my alarm clock, and slept until 3:45.

Work kind of sucked. B gave up her shift, claiming she had hurt her back a few days ago. Working with C wasn't bad, just unexpected and unwanted. It was a hellish busy night for a Thursday, and the entire restaurant felt like an oven. Thanks to my black sweater I was sweating the entire time.
I didn't eat at all during the day, so once the shift was over C and I ordered a pizza to split. I've kind of had it in my mind to try to eat a bit healthier, but hell.. it was cheap and easy to split for two. That's my last one for awhile. Damn good pizza, by the way.

I called male B when I got home. I can't remember the last time I talked to him.. may have been over a month ago. He had left a message on my phone last night, though.. so I decided to give him a ring. I'd say we talked for about half an hour. He sounds miserable.. like me. He's recently gotten out of jail, and therefore can't leave his house whenever he wants. He needs to get a job, too. How the hell does that work? Anyway, I'm going to ask somebody about open kitchen jobs tomorrow night. We'll see how that goes. I'm supposed to call him about it when I get off work. I cannot forget to do that.
I bet female B is taking off tomorrow too. That will suck beyond belief. That leaves me with J, C, and F.. if she agrees to come in. That pisses me off. I know they'll all just bicker about who has to bus. I'll have to be all in control and tell them what to do.. while I run the door. I hate that. Oh, and I just remembered, on top of that.. I'm not scheduled until 6. I'd bet my next paycheck I'll just walk into hell. I may have to go in early and wait an hour to clock in so I can be there to help sort things out.

I should do some schoolwork, but I just can't bring myself to crack that history book open. I've always sucked at history.. my least liked and worst graded subject. Besides anything math related. I'm just not left brained.
"Left Brain:
Looks at parts
Right Brain:
Looks at wholes

Most individuals have a distinct preference for one of these styles of thinking. Some, however, are more whole-brained and equally adept at both modes. In general, schools tend to favor left-brain modes of thinking, while downplaying the right-brain ones. Left-brain scholastic subjects focus on logical thinking, analysis, and accuracy. Right-brained subjects, on the other hand, focus on aesthetics, feeling, and creativity. "

History is all about accuracy and dates and timelines and shit. I can't even remember what happened last week, much less memorize the events of 1801. I, and all those like me should be exempt from taking History. I will never need to know anything about the Jeffersonian Republicans.... whoever the hell they were.


Wednesday, June 22, 2005

he's no longer here with us

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
I am seriously high right now.
And I'll tell you.. life feels the best it has in a while.
Despite my newly burned thumb.

A couple minutes ago.. staring at the fence by my driveway has never been quite so entertaining.

Ha ha ha.

Anyway. I've been thinking about it. If I really do need to lighten up my hair, maybe I should go with red again. I will not be blonde. I'm not a fan of brunette. I'll miss the black.

I'm actually looking forward to work tomorrow. I think I've finally just clicked, and become completely comfortable there. It always takes me a long time.. but once I warm up to a certain group of people and/or environment... I really come alive. It's amazing.. I actually speak to people there now. A couple kitchen boys.. all the hostesses.. most of the waiters... even H! I have a place now.

K. Well. I think I'll go lay in the driveway now. Just to stare at the sky.


beautiful things that spring from these rows

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
I was in a shitty mood today.

And that's about it.


Monday, June 20, 2005

i'm always wondering where you are

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
Do you ever wake up and just thank the universe for finally letting you know you're not pregnant? I did today. It was great.
The pregnant virgin... I would bear the fucking antichrist.

Speaking of being virginal. I've been thinking about that alot lately. Problem is, I no longer know if I should be saving myself for anyone in particular.

Anyway. What else is new. Oh yeah. Thinking about work and money, ect. last night, something popped into my head. For quite a while now my mother's been bringing up this agency, Advantage Models, that she has some sort of connection to. Every few months she'll bring it up, saying it would be such a great idea for me to meet with somebody there and see what happens. I've never been into the idea, but I thought about it for a while and realized... why the fuck not? If things go well I could rack up a few extra bucks, and if not.. so what? Long story short... I have a meeting with the owner of the agency July 11. We'll see what happens.
The only thing that turns me off is that people keep saying in order to have more oppurtunities I should 'soften up' my look. Meaning, get rid of the black hair. I love my black hair. Plus, it's so destroyed from that last episode of bleaching, that doing it again would force me to cut off inches of length. I refuse.

Anyway. Yeah.
We'll see what happens.
Could get interesting... could remain terribly bland.


Sunday, June 19, 2005

if you turn to me

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
After 4 hours of sleep this morning I woke to the obnoxious calls of an alarm clock. I turned it off, rolled onto my side, and the following thought instantly glided through my brain:
"If you love something, let it go."

Despite the common belief that Father's Day would be hectic as hell for Bricks, we had very little business the entire day. I worked from 11-3, had 3 hours off which I spent with B at the mall, then went back from 6-9. Although there wasn't much to do work wise, I kept myself consistently busy. I didn't want idle time.. that would have enabled free thought. I didn't want to think.
You see.. in realization of my loss of a love life, I'm well on my way to becoming a workaholic. This worries B. I can clearly recall her wide-eyed expression when I told her I planned to just throw my entire self into work.
"No!" she said, "That's bad."
"I know," I replied dryly, "and I don't care."
So I'll work extra hard at work, and work on getting my license, and work on getting a day job, and work on schoolwork, and work on working out, and work on art projects, and work on.. anything else I can come up with that could be referred to as work and, you know, requires working and such. Work. Work. Work. Being so absorbed, maybe I'll forget about T, and won't have time for men and the like.
I must admit, though, B did hold a strong argument. After I mentioned getting another job she said, "And just watch. Some awesome, adorable guy will come along and you'll have to quit one of those jobs to spend time with him."


don't know what it means to me

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.

ok so whats the point again

oh thats right

there isn't one

and you only remember that

when you reach the lowest of lows

and reality smacks you in the ass

and you just can't go to bed

and then you just can't get out of bed

and then you just can't live

because there is no point

and you can't stand to exist

for one reason

for one cause

for one feeling

for one person

because it's gone

and you can't keep going

on the tiny shard of motivation

dependent on that one thing alone

that maybe

just maybe

it might just possibly

decide to come back one day

because maybe

just maybe

it won't


Friday, June 17, 2005

whatever Lola wants......

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
What a day. It wasn't very long, but, still very taxing. I didn't manage to get out of bed until 3:15 pm. I just got ready and read blogs and went to work. The night started off slow. Very. Very. Slow. It got really busy, though. With only three of us hostesses there, and me in charge.. it was hectic and stressful. At least the job got my mind off other things that were bringing me down. It was so loud in that restaurant, though, I swear I was losing my voice by the end of the night from having to yell at everyone.

I have to admit, I'm slightly proud of myself. I've never been a leader and never expected to be good at directing people. Yet since I've been put into a head hostess position and ended up having to give the other hostesses jobs and tell them what to do throughout the night, I think I've done well. I remember actually being surprised at myself the first time I looked at the two or three others working and took the lead, assigning jobs. I kind of miss having no responsibilities besides keeping the tables bussed. I think I'm lucky that B took to the job so quickly and can run the door so easily. It's good to have someone to step in every once in awhile so I can hide out in the background where I'm more comfortable.

So anyway. Besides work. I had just gotten home, in fact was still in the driveway, with an open takeout box on my lap when T called. I hadn't heard his ring on my phone for so long. I just paused, and finally yelled, "Oh my god it's T!!" I half expected to never hear from him again. But that just about made my week.

So now I'm going to proceed to waste the night away, and possibly get to bed at a time that would make dragging myself out of bed at noon tomorrow sound relatively sane.


Thursday, June 16, 2005

it's too late to say I'm sorry

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
Headaches... yes. I believe enough candy consumed to equal several pounds of sugar and two big, loud movie screens in a row will do that to you. But Lords of Dogtown was pretty good, and Batman Begins was too.

I am so thoroughly sick of this, though. I bought myself some great, sexy boots today. I thought about getting some sort of small, live, furry thing at Pass Pets to take home as well, but decided against it. I was nearly stopped dead in my tracks when I saw T's long lost twin walk by. I lost my cell phone somewhere. I left the boots in S's car.

And... I just burst into tears.

No. I don't give a fuck about the boots.

It's what really matters. I don't know why I'm letting this start eating away at me NOW. What did I do wrong? When did everything change?
Why do I have to know about love?

I've been asked what my weakness would be if I were a superhero. I didn't know.
I know now.


Wednesday, June 15, 2005

your heart and soul is what I came for

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
Okay, you want to know what's really sad? When you look at your watch, see it's 4:30, but can't figure out whether that's 4:30 AM or PM. Yeah. REALLY SAD. I think experiencing that today just about put me through a brief state of shock. I wasn't aware I could be so unbelievably out of touch with reality.

At the same time, I think I'm getting really paranoid.

There are so many changes that need to be made. I don't feel healthy, or balanced, or.. capable.
You know what else is sad?
Trying to think of all the people that would cry if you died.

I really need to get out.

Oh.. it turned out to be 4:30 PM. In case you were curious.


Monday, June 13, 2005

you can't win

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
It's a slow beginning to the night, and I'm leaning against the hostess podium absentmindedly staring at the parking lot. Beans comes up beside me.
"So, tell me something."
I look at him expectantly, assuming there's a question to follow. He just looks at me.
"What?" I ask.
"Anything. Just tell me something."
I always wish I could come up with something completely original, creative, and random in response to these requests. Alas, I don't.
"Like what? About what?" I say lamely.
I watch him as he tries writing his other nickname, Vitz, on a styrofoam cup. The pen doesn't leave any ink on the surface, just threatens to poke a hole.
"Well, I have pens in my purse if you want one."
"Nah, that's okay. I don't really give a shit," he says, replacing the pen in his pocket.
There's a silence.
"What do you do?" he asks.
"Nothing. I'm a boring person. I just.. I don't know."
"Do you like to go out and do wild and crazy stuff?"
"Umm.. I guess. I don't know. I don't have any friends, so."
"Well that's not good, why don't you have any friends?"
"I don't make them easily."
To my relief, the phone rings. After my conversation with the caller I'm left alone at the podium again. He comes back.
"Where were we?" he begins.
"I don't know, but it's your turn. Tell me something."
"Well, uh, I don't know."
See? That question just sucks.. no one ever knows what to say.
After a while, though, I learn alot about him. He likes to go out and do wild and crazy stuff, he's going into the navy, his girlfriend wants to marry him and he doesn't think it's a good idea, and he really enjoys getting intoxicated.
How about that.
I like Beans.
I'll miss him.

It was a good night at work. H was back for the first time, and that was the first thing I noticed when I walked in the door. I must say, however, it wasn't as bad as I expected. I didn't mind being around her, as she acted like a human being instead of a raging bitch of a demon. I actually managed to have a small conversation with her, and make her laugh.
I didn't fuck up a single takeout, ran the door seamlessly, and managed to boss hostess F around without any problems. Things were just smooth, and the time passed quickly.
I don't work again until Friday. So now I have to think of ways to waste the next three days. I should find a way to get to the library. I can take back a couple books and find a new novel.
You know I STILL haven't finished my bedroom? The floor is only half done. I think I'll just shove all my furniture and crap back into the room just to get it out of the way. Now that will be a soothing environment to live in.


Sunday, June 12, 2005

i'm irresistable you fool

Just minutes ago I finished The Book of Joe, by Jonathan Tropper. It was, by no exaggeration, an amazing book. It literally had the ability to suck me into the story, turning page after page for hours on end. I've been absorbed in the last several chapters of it since I got home from work.. three hours ago.
It was really well written, had just the right dose of humor, and proved to be a really beautiful and thought-provoking story.
I have an interesting and slightly off topic ending observation, though. The few relatively vague sex scenes depicted, (leaving me in surprisingly hot and bothered states), were, I think, considerably realistic when compared with some of the ridiculous crap in romance novels. They fit in seamlessly with the real-life theme of the book. Yet I have to say.. I really want to read the same kind of book, with the same kind of sexual references, written by a woman. I want to compare. I think there would be a difference in the 'realistic' rendering of sex.
I'm keeping that author's name in mind, though. He's a great writer and I want to hunt down some of his other stuff.

So yes, I had to work the Sunday morning shift today. I absolutely HATE doing that. I was beyond relief the night B enthusiastically accepted my morning shift offer. Yet, last night she called, begging me to take the shift so she could take my night shift and work with hostess C who was apparently crashing at her house. It took a hell of alot of her pleading for me to agree. At least waitress H wasn't there... ~gags~. Although she's managed to get her job and relationship back. Yes, the infamous H is back and I'm dreading seeing her next week. Perhaps she's a bit humbled after the close call. Probably not.

I saw blockbuster boy today. He walked by the restaurant when I was folding aprons. He seemed to be scrutinizing the Bricks interior from the corner of his eye as he moved. My arms dropped to my sides when I saw him, the freshly cleaned apron dragging the floor as I gawked.
De was in the kitchen today. I think he knows I've been eyeing him and I think it's freaking him out just a teensy bit. Heh heh. I'm good at that too. But today as I watched him and wondered, I started thinking maybe it was a one night spark and I'm not really feeling it.
These things take time and effort and thought and seriousness. And that sucks.


make up your mind to have no regrets

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
I just returned from seeing Mr. and Mrs. Smith. It was fantastic, as I expected. Whoever came up with that movie idea is a genius.. and a very rich (wo)man.
It's left me feeling like I want to be a hitman. And no, I don't mean that entirely as someone recently hypnotized by the fantasy entertainment realm. I really think I could do something like that. I'm not exactly... compassionate, at all times.

So on a completely different note..

I think I may be getting to the point where I can begin to actually like guys again. I'm not sure how long it's been since the T breakup.. I never keep track of things.. but I haven't looked at anyone since then and thought 'hey, I'm attracted to this person and would consider a relationship with them.' Okay okay, yeah, there's my dream man.. but as time passes I feel more and more like it was purely physical. (It's probably a really good thing he got fired.) The less I see him the more I'm over him. That's a pretty damn sure sign, I'd say.
Anyway, point being.. tonight at work I was running food and had a ton of idle time since things weren't busy at all. The kitchen boys were talking to me, and I began momentarily locking eyes with one in particular... we'll call him De. I'd say this eye lockage has taken place a few times in the past, (it's my absolute favorite way to flirt). But tonight as I looked at him and heard him talking and joking and being a nice guy I started thinking I might actually like him. I have reason to believe he's possibly interested. So....... maybe. Plus, he's young... and I've had way too many encounters with guys who are way too over the age limit for me.
Then there's blockbuster boy. He's awfully pretty.. although tonight I realized he kind of had that T look to him. Tall, thin, dirty blond hair.. he seems quiet, and probably shy until you get to know him. Yet still, I stalked around the store for about 20 minutes, glancing at the front every once in a while to see if he was paying attention. After a few strategically placed pacings, I finally got the timing right and managed to catch his eye, hold the gaze, and look away after just the right amount of 'I want you' vibes were transferred. Then I disappeared for awhile and emerged towards the front as I pretended to be paying undivided attention to my cell phone. We shared one more quick, knowing glance as I made my way out the front. I'm so good at that. So now I just need to go in there more often when he's working... make the eye flirting more routine... pursue a conversation or two...
We may just have something. Somewhere.
Who knows.
You just never know.

I'm really not keen on the idea of becoming one of those relationship to relationship people. I've never wanted to be. I want to find love and stick to it. I thought I had... but it failed on me. Following that up with a next real, serious relationship will be one of the hardest things to do. But I refuse to end up in something empty and shallow that will end in two weeks. (Again.) I'm staying completely out of relationships until I start something up that I can really believe in.

It all makes me wonder if he ever really loved me at all, though. Somehow my impression of this whole 'love' thing merits loyalty and steadfastness. But, you know.... whatever.


Saturday, June 11, 2005

dark night, hold tight

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
Tonight at work I was very much at ease. I was easy-going, friendly.. and associated with everyone else easily. I had quite a few interesting conversations.. just from being open and more talkative then usual. I think I was happy. It was a good night.
After work I bought myself a cheeseburger and met S in the parking lot. We sat on her car and ate and talked for a good hour or so. I was right in the midst of saying something about my dream man, (I called him... Saturday, 8 pm, $7, Opry Mills.. I shall see him once again. I wonder what his band's name is..? :)) wen I got distracted by a car going by quite a few yards away. It appeared to contain young male types.. and sure enough my eyes followed. After a while though, I noticed a face gazing back at me from the backseat, and some distant form of recognition made me ask S, "IS THAT T!?" much louder than I had intended. I stared, and once the car had turned a hand came out one of the back windows... sending us a 'hello' of sorts. No.. it did not involve the middle finger. Thank god.
I waved back. I think it was him.. something told me it was him.. but maybe it wasn't. Maybe it was just some guy that happened to look like him from a great distance, and happened to stare right back at me, and happened to..... whatever.
Was that you, T?
As a result my mind completely disconnected from any train of thought, and I could not for the life of me remember what I was talking about. It was a long time before I realized I was saying something about my dream man... (ironic timing for such a topic, eh?). It also severely depressed me.
I do miss him.. more then I'd like to admit, even to myself.
After a while S and I decided to go to Walmart and pick up a few things. While I was there I looked at a few DVD camcorders. They're about $600 and I already have 3 people ao pitch in some dough to help me out. Yay! It shall lead to adventurousness. My favorite.
We left with two boxes of haircolor. Black for me... I need to do some serious touching up. For her, we picked up some semi-permanent color called Rosewood. It turned out really beautiful, and really compliments her skin tone. She and I both love it. At first glance it comes off as dark brown, but further contemplation reveals glints of gorgeous red. It's really beautiful. I'm proud of our work.
I should really get to sleep. I feel the tiredness weighing down on me.. but somehow I just want to stay up. I have nothing to accomplish.. in fact I may just waste my night being consumed by my Sim families.

Eh... we'll see.


Thursday, June 09, 2005

I'm glad I didn't die before I met you

Today my mother said the following to me:
"Only you could turn a bag of M&M's into a work of art."

I didn't say anything in return.. nothing came to mind. But that's the first thing she's said to me that I've actually appreciated in years.

And.... what can I say? I was bored.


Wednesday, June 08, 2005

she's not there

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
This day has crawled at an unbearably slow pace. This confuses me. I haven't really experienced a day like this in a very long time.

S and I watched Gypsy 83 last night. My picture today is a screenshot from it. It was awesome, to say the least. It's a sort of 'finding yourself' and 'pursuing your dreams' story about these two goths... Clive and, I can't remember the girl's name. I instantly fell in love with Clive, though. He would be the one on the far left in that pic. Yeah... gorgeous. Pale skin, black hair.. wears makeup.. acts and dresses like a freak.. has a fucked up past. WHAT MORE COULD YOU ASK FOR!? Maybe for him to be straight? Only a minor detail, though. Anyway... the movie sort of documents this road trip they go on and all the things they experience. There's a fantastically satisfying dose of goth culture presented as well... not completely butchered, surprisingly enough. I love their graveyard rendezvous.
I may end up watching it again tonight.
Oh, and S.... you left your toothbrush and face cleanser stuff here.

I've been in an odd mood all day.. probably mostly due to the fact that I only racked up about 2 hours of sleep last night... or, this morning.
I did get a good book at the library today, though... called The Book of Joe. Good so far.

So as far as work goes I've heard that my dream man got fired, and Waitress H is long gone, and things are changing. H being gone completely alters my view of work now. She was the one and only reason I had for disliking my job. Now she's been replaced by Waiter T... who I happen to like a lot. I am now looking forward to being able to completely, comfortably handle work. That bitch scared me to death.
I will, however, be quite dreadfully missing my dream man. At least I have his number, though.. so I can track him down when the time comes to. If I remember correctly his band has a show coming up sometime in the near future. :)

Anyway. I have time to waste.


Tuesday, June 07, 2005

pools of sorrow, waves of joy

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
Drama in the place of work! I was dreading having to take Monday night's shift, but once it was over I was more than happy I was there to witness everything. I just can't wait to see if little miss Waitress H ever comes back after the hateful conflict with her boyfriend... bossman D... the owner. Hope not... but, I'm not saying a word. >:)

I was thinking about setting up audioblogging. You just call a number and talk and it posts it here. I think that would be an interesting change, but when I've tried to set it up the site fucked up. Annoying.

I've just been sitting here listening to stuff. Frou Frou, Frank and Nancy Sinatra, Eminem, Cake, Bright Eyes, and tracks from the movie Amelie. I just don't have a favorite genre anymore.. fuck it.. if I like it I listen.

S is supposed to come over tonight once she gets off work.. at about 8 pm. I think we're supposed to watch movies. That's the reason I got up today.

I just pulled up the blinds to see if it was still raining. It isn't, now the setting sun is out. There's a steam rising from the asphalt of my street. It's beautiful.


Monday, June 06, 2005

hand in hand

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
It's 3:44 pm and I don't know what time I'm supposed to be at work.
I just finished a half-assed tuna sandwich and tostitos.
I'm craving apple juice, but whether or not there's any in the vaccinity (which I doubt) I can't have any. I'm only drinking water for the next 40 days.
I figure I could use some sort of control in my life at the moment.
So far I've spent the day in bed, eating Krispy Kremes and reading Good Omens. It didn't turn out the way I thought it should.
Here's my favorite part of the book:
(Quick character explanation: Aziraphale is a heavenly angel on earth, Crowley a demon on earth, and the figure, probably Death.)
"I don't know. You can never be certain about what's really intended. Plans within plans."
"Sorry?" said Aziraphale.
"Well," said Crowley, who'd been thinking about this until his head ached, "haven't you ever wondered about it all? You know - your people against my people, Heaven and Hell, good and evil, all that sort of thing? I mean, WHY?"
"As I recall," said the angel, stiffly, "there was the rebellion and - "
"Ah, yes. And why did it HAPPEN eh? I mean, it didn't have to, did it?" said Crowley, a manic look in his eye. "Anyone who could build a universe in six days isn't going to let a little thing like that happen. Unless they want it to, of course."
"Oh, come on. Be sensible," said Aziraphale, doubtfully.
"That's not good advice," said Crowley. "That's not good advice at all. If you sit down and think about it SENSIBLY, you come up with some very funny ideas. Like: why make people inquisitive, and then put some forbidden fruit where they can see it with a big neon finger flashing on and off saying, 'THIS IS IT!'?"
"I don't remember any neon."
"Metaphorically, I mean. I mean, why do that if you really don't WANT them to eat it, eh? I mean, maybe you just want to see how it all turns out. Maybe it's all part of a great big ineffable plan. All of it. You, me, him, everything. Some great big test to see if what you've built all works properly, eh? You start thinking: it CAN'T be a great cosmic game of chess, it HAS to be just very complicated Solitaire. And don't bother to answer. If we could understand, we woulnd't be us. Because it's all - all - "
INEFFABLE, said the figure feeding the ducks.
"Yeah. Right. Thanks."

Good Omens... read it. Fantastic whether you're in favor of the ending or not.


Sunday, June 05, 2005

the flies and spiders get along together

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
I want you to hit me as hard as you can.

Then maybe I'll feel alive.
Then maybe I'll feel human.

Either way, you'll never see me again.
I'll just leave behind each shred of hate.
I'll leave behind all the bitterness.

and I hope it will burn like hell.

There's a little thing called human contact. Although it's never been proven that I, personally, need it... apparently this little thing is essential to natural human existence. It seems I'm being deprived of it, though. I need to get out. I need to breathe a little. I need to stop crying.
I don't really know whether or not it's my fault I have only one or two friends. I'm not sure if I could change the fact that I just can't connect with people quickly and/or easily. And I don't completely blame myself for the fact that I have no relationship with any of my family members and no longer wish to.
All I know is that everything hurts right now. That, and I feel completely and utterly alone. I thought I was past all this suicidal crap. Apparently not. I thought I could handle all the bullshit and not get angry. Apparently not. I thought I could get by without hate. Apparently not.
So what do I do?
I could use an escape right now. There are 0 options. There is no where to go and no way to get there. I'm just stuck.
How far could I run?
Where could I hide?

How do I admit I need help?


Saturday, June 04, 2005

to me coming from you, friend is a four letter word

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
Well, here we are at Saturday again. Something tells me this will be a good one. Either that, or painfully routine.
I woke up to an empty house today. That's always a good feeling. Why it doesn't leave me feeling in some state of manic loneliness, I don't know. But emptiness it is, and I have 5 hours before I have to be at work. B will be there with me tonight, and TG waiter J will be next door. You know what.. I'm just going to start referring to him as my dream man. That's easier.
So since it's Saturday and there will be 4 hostesses and my dream man only several yards away, it's the night for B and I to look cute and hope the restaurant isn't busy. If it isn't, we can get off early and have dinner at Blue Cactus. We'll sit there without touching our food, just sipping our various carbonated drinks and talking each other's heads off, only pausing when my dream man passes by. If we're really lucky, though, he might just be our server. Mmmmm.... yummy. Either way, he'll talk to us.. he'll gaze at us with those gorgeous eyes, and that perfect head of hair... smile deliciously. And for that, my friends, I am perfectly willing to give up a few hours of pay.

Oh yes, and last night as I thought about my birthday in two months I realized.. Well fuck... I should celebrate. I haven't done anything for any birthdays in several years. So I'm going to go for it. I have no idea what to do.. I have no friends, and I've never once in my life thrown a party.. but I will come up with something. I should get B involved in this one.. we're the same age.. our birthdays are only a week apart. Hmm.... well, I have two months to think about it.

I have an official Kentucky Derby collector's glass sitting in front of me at the moment. It has a list of the winners for each year on it.. all the way back to 1875. These horse names are awesome...
1875 Aristides
1876 Vagrant
1877 Baden-Baden
1878 Day Star
1879 Lord Murphy
1880 Fonso
1881 Hindoo
This particular glass is from year 2003, and therefore has a question mark next to the date. I'm not sure if I was there for that one. Hell I can't even remember the name of the horse that won the year I went.
Huh.. I wonder what they'll do when they run out of room on the glasses. Make them taller?
1882 Apollo
Ha... these horses are all dead now.


Friday, June 03, 2005

hey, are you lonely?

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
This morning I realized my birthday is in a mere 2 months. This makes me happy and sad for so many different reasons. I think about it, and realize that it's really quite amazing how quickly the past few years of my life have whisked by. If it will only be that long for the next few.. then damn. I'll be up and out of here in no time. Better use it wisely.
You know.. I always expected this age to be a million times better than it actually is. I'll make it a goal to live up to all my expectations for the next stages of life.

Wow. I just made myself happy.

I'm going to make a list of all the things I want to accomplish within the next two years of my life.
And there's goal #1... write the list.
It will need alot of time and attention. And calenders. And brainpower.

2 years. Only 2 years. It's nothing. And... that kind of scares me. In 2 years my life will be completely different. Everything will change. I will be different. So I really need to consider this. Just a little while ago I was thinking 3 years. Now, suddenly.. I realize.. only 2!

I think I get a paycheck tonight. And I'm not spending one single fucking penny of it.


Thursday, June 02, 2005

we live in a beautiful world

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.

Well, what can I do but brush it off and say "Whew, I'm glad that's over with. That was hell."
Maybe at this particular moment I absolutely HATE time, and the fact that I can still smell him on me (he really needs to stop smelling so damn good... and aging. Just stop and wait for me) but there's very little I can do.
Maybe I'll just have to hunt him down in a few years, when everything is relatively legal.

So hello hello.. I am now officially manless! Well, officially enough. I should just swear the opposite sex off until I move to Europe. I could find some perfect partner there, with a cute accent and everything.

But you never know, you never know. I used to be happy about that. HA!

I've figured out what I need to do, though. I need to slow down and take advantage of the time I have here. I need to get my fucking diploma, save up money, and let time pass. I also need to get my bedroom together.
Perhaps I feel so beyond my years, and perhaps I'm excessively unhappy with every detail of my life right now, but I'll just have to deal with that for the moment.
Someday I'll be 80 and thinking back on this time, wishing something had been different. What, though? Will I wish I had been stronger and gone after what I wanted? Will I wish I had been weaker and been more careful?
I know where I would be right now if I had been careful... and it's not a pretty picture.
I just need to keep going... just keep being me. Maybe it's a hard pace to maintain at times, but hell... I have no choice. I don't give up. I don't give in. I keep going.

Shit happens.


Wednesday, June 01, 2005

oh I beg, I beg and plead

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
I have to look hot tonight. But I shouldn't try too hard, I don't want him to think I'm trying too hard. He said I was hot when I wasn't trying, before I even considered he might be looking. So I should just go with what I usually do. But maybe it would help if I put a little extra effort into it. I want him to notice, but I don't want it to be obvious. It really doesn't matter either way. I shouldn't worry about it. I shouldn't even think about it. Why can't I take that passive approach I have to so much in life to everything! What am I going to say to him anyway? Should I have called him? DAMN I wish I had given him my number instead! Is this even possible? Of course it's possible, anything's possible. But do I really want it? Should I? At least I'm not naive enough to be falling all over myself for him. I'm not, I just don't want this possibility of a chance to slip away. I just have to play it cool. I'm good at that. I always play it cool, even when my mental state is a writhing wave of chaos. So I know I can pull that off. I just want it to work, I want us to be in sync about whatever happens. I just have to play off what he does. If he wants me then he can have me and I'll be happy with that. If he doesn't then I'm out and I'll be fine with that. Something tells me this isn't going to go so smoothly, though. There's a conflict with the factors involved. That night is going to fuck with things. It will probably be awkward. I just wish I knew him better so I could predict how he'll act around me now. I mean, I've been as drunk as he was.. several times. I know the amount of control and awareness you have in that state. It's not like he didn't know what he was doing. If he really didn't want it to happen he could have stopped it. So what is he thinking? That Muse song keeps running through my head.
I think I'm drowning, asphyxiated,
I want to break this spell that you've created.
You're something beautiful, a contradiction,
I want to play the game, I want the friction.

You will be the death of me
Yeah you will be the death of me
Bury it, I won't let you bury it
I won't let you smother it
I won't let you murder it
Our time is running out
Our time is running out
You can't push it underground
You can't stop it screaming out

I wanted freedom, bound and restricted
I tried to give you up, but I'm addicted,
Now that you know I'm trapped, sense of elation
You'd never dream of breaking this fixation.

You will squeeze the life out of me.
Bury it, I won't let you bury it
I won't let you smother it
I won't let you murder it
Our time is running out
Our time is running out
You can't push it underground
You can't stop is screaming out
How did it come to this?

Yeah you will suck the life out of me
Bury it, I won't let you bury it
I won't let you smother it
I won't let you murder it
Our time is running out
Our time is running out
You can't push it underground
You can't stop is screaming out
How did it come to this?
I bet he's afraid I'll start acting like some kind of obsessive teeny-bopper now. He knows me as well as I know him.. and that's not very well at all. I won't act like one. I never have. There's just absolutely no way of knowing anything. Maybe he really likes me.. maybe it's enough to alter things. There's just so much to consider. He wants me, I know he does. I just don't know how badly. How much does it take? He talked about me before and got so close to me before. Maybe that night was just another step. Maybe we'll just keep going. Or maybe that was too much. Or maybe nothing's changed. Oh, but it has. It's definitely changed. That moment changed everything. So what happens now?

I suppose I'll find out.