Sunday, July 31, 2005

Maintenant, Allez!

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
My life has evolved to revolve around work, the people there, and my artistic growth.

Everytime I work with De I just can't help but wonder how challenging it might be to seduce him.

About a week ago at Bricks I was showing S a sketch of a tattoo design I had come up with, and Beans happened to see and be very impressed. It was of a nude woman shown from the waist up, with long hair that formed intricate patterns on the side of her body. Then it all flowed into a mass of delicate flowers that covered her lower half. Beans asked me to draw something for him, saying he'd like a drawing of a 'naked lady'. I agreed to draw something for him. I agreed because I knew he also appreciated the art. A few days later, I stayed up the entire night drawing away.. and ended up with something I was very proud of. I decided on a creepy nature theme. The woman was perched on a little hill, her hair long and blowing behind her, getting tangled with the curves of wind.
So yesterday I was at work an hour early, and was working on another drawing of the same genre for S. Beans came up and I handed him the paper with the drawing I did for him on it. He opened it and actually jerked back a little in surprise. That has to be one of the most satisfying things... creating something that has a real effect on people. "Woah!" he said, "You did this for me?" I said yes and he thanked me profusely. He said it was amazing, then did what I didn't expect. He went around showing everyone, telling them to 'check out what Annie drew for me'. Some people reacted like him, saying I was a great artist. Some people just stared at it in silence. De let out an exhasperated laugh and trudged away.
Later on in the night a fairly new waiter, J, came in and hung out a little bit. After awhile Beans showed him the drawing and J called me over. He asked me to do one for him, asked for a tropical/fruit theme, and offered to pay me if I did it on something other then notebook paper. (Personally, and Beans agrees, I think the notebook paper adds something to it, but whatever.) Then Beans decided he should give me something as payment as well, and offered $5. At first I refused, saying I didn't need it. Then I saw cigarettes in his pocket and said I'd take one of those intead. He gave me both.
So I've been thinking about what J wants in his drawing, and started some work on it this morning. The thing is, and what gets people (I think) is the amount of detail I incorporate. It takes a hell of alot of time and effort, and ends up being something beautiful. I'm very happy to have found a personal form of art that I'm willing to put so much of myself into. Not only that, but I'm not the only one who finds appeal in them. The other day I went to the Pancake Pantry in Hillsboro Village and had the drawings out to study them a bit when a woman from a table next to us asked if she and her daughter could look at them. I asked female B for her opinion and she said they were incredible.
I think I could develop this into something if I wanted to.

Anyway. I'm thinking about trying to get alot more done on J's drawing and going down there tonight even though I don't work. I need to check the schedule for next week.
Plus, De usually works on Sundays. So, you know.. I can go ahead and torture myself some more.


Saturday, July 30, 2005

love me, love me

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
The first few minutes of my day weren't too peachy. Then, however, I checked the mail.. and opening that mailbox was suddenly like opening a little box of happiness. Nothing like a random postcard from someone you don't know. No matter how far away the love is, it's always there whether you know it and accept it or not.
Today might just be a good day.

And as for the changes.. I'm still thinking.


Friday, July 29, 2005

i'm sitting by the window of your 32nd floor apartment

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
I sincerely feel as though I've wasted the better part of my day. That's a hard feeling for me to recognize lately. So is shame. Yet within recent days I've had some vivid encounters.

My father bought me that camcorder I've been wanting as an early birthday present. I kind of wish he had asked me more about what I wanted, because what he got wasn't exactly it. Yet I have to appreciate it. That lack of satisfaction with the gifts from others has always been a hard-hitting factor in my life, specifically as a child. I haven't gotten presents in so long, though, that I had forgotten the feeling. It wasn't pleasent to have it come rushing back.

Either way, I'm learning alot about myself with this camcorder. I look at what I record as a sort of video journal. The first two tapes are now filled with my current view of the world, and long conversations and interviews with S and male B. Playing back some of the stuff, I've been surprised. Having that outside view of myself brings on a whole new perspective, and makes me want to change some things.

So since (A) I can't bring myself to waste the rest of the day, and (B) I really need to build some sort of worthwhile life, I'm going out alone tonight. I have an art project in mind. The needed materials include a notebook and a couple ink pens, so I'm set. I just need a good environment. I'll probably walk around downtown Franklin and set up camp in Starbucks. I hope to finish this art project, have some time alone.. and, who knows.. maybe meet a pretty boy.


Tuesday, July 26, 2005

dear I fear we're facing a problem

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.

There's just nothing. There's just absolutely nothing to say.
I exist and that is all.

I got a box of postcards today I ordered off Amazon. There's more to come. Yay.

Someone from Bricks called me at 5:18 PM. I don't know who it was or why they called, but I missed the call and am now too afraid to investigate. Any call from work scares the shit out of me. I know I wasn't supposed to work tonight, so it's not like I'm fired. But what if I read the schedule and my brain mixed up the days so I wouldn't show up tonight when I was actually supposed to work and D bossman is going to be pissed beyond belief and get B to take my place as head hostess. Eek.
I'm sure it was just someone trying to get me to switch days with them or wanting me to pick up their shift tonight. I'm sure it's no big deal.
I just hope I don't show up tomorrow and get a big fat 'you're fired' thrown in my face.
This is a part of me that I don't want to be.. paranoid and nervous. I wish more then anything I could be in a constant state of apathy about everything. But I can't. I always manage to freak out a little bit. At least it's not too bad. At least I freak out inside.. .and don't make a scene of it.
Working sucks and all, but I really love that job. I'd rather not lose it right now.

Maybe I'll just do some school work or something. It's good to get that stuff done and take my mind to other places.
Maybe I'll do a pretty collage/paint thing. I don't know. Whatever. I need a change.
But I have a beautiful tiny little baby flower growing in a tiny pot on my bedside table. His name is Brad. (Short for Bradbury of course. I love naming stuff.) And I think I know the source of this tension. I'm desperately horny. NEED MAN.


Monday, July 25, 2005

yeah yeah

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
That's my new boyfriend.

At least, he was in my dream last night.

I suppose I haven't updated in a couple days now, but that would mostly be due to the fact that I have nothing to say. There has been no drama, excitement, happiness, misery, death, or embarassment. I'm just here. Still.

Both the washer and dryer we use for linen duty at work are broken. The washer won't wash and the dryer won't dry, so each load takes at least two and a half hours to finish. Sucks ass.

Yesterday while I was in the back, standing there.. completely exhasperated by the fact that the sopping wet linens had been in the dryer for over an hour, one of the kitchen boys.. Da walked back there. He was looking for something on the shelves lining the wall of the room. As he came in I looked at him, and he had taken off his hat for some reason. His hair was sticking straight up, completely disheveled and messy. I instantly wanted to touch it.
"Damn it's hot back here," he said, with this particular way he has of saying everything.
I instantly burst out laughing.
"Is this really a laughing matter?" he said, feigning his irritation just perfectly.
I laughed harder.
"Really, now. The fact that I'm having to exert heat in unnatural ways is amusing?" he added.
My amusement turned hysterical. I fell back against the shelves, hand over my mouth, looking at him and laughing uncontrollably. He just stood there, completely still, hands on his hips, staring at me as if expecting a logical reply.
Yet somehow, I wasn't just laughing at or with him. Somehow I found myself extremely attracted to him in that moment. His hair, the sweat on his face, and something about the way he was making me laugh made me seriously want him. I had never felt this way about him before.. just regarded him as a cool person to joke with.. a potential friend. Why I was reacting that way confused me.
I just kept laughing until he moved on, and found what he needed, then made his way back out. What I really wanted to do was reach out to play with his hair and say, "No, I'm not laughing at you... it's just that you look so cute right now with your hair like that." I can't imagine how he would have reacted to that. I'm not sure, but I assume he's much older than me.
As he had a quick exchange with someone coming through the room, I got over my laughing fit and just watched him. He looked back at me and said, "You know, Annie, after this.. I don't know if we can still be friends." He went out through the door towards the back for something, then came back through, adding, "In fact, now that I think about it, we're through!" I laughed and asked him if he knew where the trash bags for the big-ass dish hole trash cans were. He helped me find them and all was over.
I still can't figure out why I reacted to attraction with laughter. Great.. a whole new weird problem with myself to figure out. ~sigh~


Saturday, July 23, 2005

like lemondrops

blue fairy
Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
So here I am at S's house. Not the place I expected to be, but that's the beauty of life.

"Where did all my stickers go?" she asked no one in particular.
"They ran away from you," I said.
We laughed.

"Space!" she said, holding a small picture of some constellation between her fingers.
"I bet space hates you," I replied. Making her and myself laugh again. She told me to shut up.

These are the kind of things I say when I get really tired, yet somehow develop eerily good spirits.

So why am I here? Why am I so tired and eerily good spirited? Because S called me right before I clocked in at work and said she'd be there to talk to me soon. Once there she explained that the library young adult section person was having some kind of thing featuring young artists and that they'd be showing some artwork. Turns out they only have a couple works from one girl. (Someone I work with actually.) So S asked me to come up with 3 works to take. She's bringing in some of her stuff as well. I only had one thing already on canvas that would be suitable, so I picked a random photo of mine off the computer once I got home and printed it off to draw. Then I just happened to have a really cool sketch I had come up with a couple days ago while brainstorming tattoo designs. We bought canvas and some black paint and I got to work. I painted the tattoo design and drew the photo, got them both finished and looking surprisingly good all in the last 5 or 6 hours. So I'm satisfied and comforted to realize what I need to create art.... a reason to do so.

I'm so tired and so ready to read myself to sleep.


Friday, July 22, 2005

There is no you.

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
I recently returned from my rendezvous in Nashville. Nice city I live in. I should go out and appreciate it more often. I'll be abandoning it so soon, after all.
There was an abundance of prettyness as far as young males go as well. Ah young males.... I do SO like them.
Tegan and Sara were pretty damn cool. Better then I expected. And you know... I always get that wierd feeling when I see someone in person that I've only ever seen on TV or online. So that was sweet. Reminded me of John Butler.
Cake kicked ass, of course. There were some strange moments. Like when they performed No Phone. In the middle he got the volume down really low and went on this rant about the effect modern cell phones have on our lives. He divided the men and women, and had the men sing, "No phone, no phone, I just want to be alone today," and then had the women sing, "No phone, no phone." At first it was just kind of.. weird, but as things progressed I for one thought it was awesome. The men's voices, so deep and strong in unison... then the women's, just as strong but so much higher pitched. It was surprising. It was beautiful. "No phone, no phone."
"See," he said, "she doesn't want to talk to you either."
Dude has a sense of humor.. and an awesome perspective on the world.
Then towards the end we were all informed that, "Cake does not believe in the hope of human survival in the future. But here's a song to encourage the disillusion that we will." They played I Will Survive.
"It'll be sad when we all die together."


Wednesday, July 20, 2005

I had a match

Last night I decided to do something different from my usual routine. Usually I'd sit up on the computer guiding little Sims through their lives and playing god until I passed out from exhaustion in bed. Instead, I locked myself in my room and dove into a What Lips My Lips Have Kissed. I literally could not put that book down. Edna St. Vincent Millay was quite a character. Stereotypical in ways, completely warped in others.

Somewhere within those first chapters was alot about her religious views. After being closely involved with her church, she began to develop her own views. There were some of her writings.. her own little religious resolves. I love them:

"I have laid down for myself two commandments;

1. Respect thyself.

2. Be worth of thine own respect.

If I live up to these I shall need no ten commandments. For I shall not respect myself unless I am worthy of it, and if I respect myself I shall have no gods before the real God. I shall make unto him no graven images; I shall honor my father and mother; I shall not kill, nor steal, nor covet, nor commit adultery - and as for remembering the Sabbath day and doing no work upon it, I work on Sunday as I see fit... for honest work is no desecration, and dishonest work I have no use for - though, if I had it would be as bad one day as another."

Then this:

"My God is all gods in one. When I see a beautiful sunset, I worship the god of Nature; when I see a hidden action brought to light, I worship the god of Truth; when I see a bad man punished and a good man go free, I worship the god of Justice; when I see a penitent fogiven, I worship the god of Mercy. And never a day passes that I do not, for something beautiful, for something truthful, for something just, or for something merciful, give praise to my all-powerful creator."

That really got me thinking about my own beliefs.. something I've developed a talent for avoiding. I thought about the witnesses. They'll haunt me for the rest of my life.

This morning I found a Watchtower and Awake magazine on my doorstep.

Besides that, Edna consistently reminds me of myself. While reading and journaling simultaneously (I've been experiencing alot of inspiration lately) I wrote the following: "I've even felt minor pangs of jealousy for Edna. I've learned, however, that in certain perspective, envy isn't such a horrid thing. You feel jealousy towards those like you.. for in certain respects they are competition, or at least seem that way."

She even lived in the time period I've often wished to live in myself.

I don't think I turned off the light until 5:30 AM.

Then male B called me somewhere around noon, and asked if I was still up for it. Tattoos? Piercings? HELL YES.

I seriously need therapy, though. It has literally become impossible for me to go through any type of social interaction without momentarily freaking out beforehand.

I am overwhelmingly pleased that I went, though. B and I went to Lone Wolf and met N there, a friend of his... one of those people in high school that I never thought I'd see again. She's cool. So we walked in and this waif of a guy, Te, with a face so heavily pierced you could distinguish no particular part of his features at first greeted us. I saw him and smiled. ~Oh he's awesome. Oh this is going to be awesome.~ He gave me a grin, and asked B to fill out some paperwork. I stood still and proceeded to take in as much as I could. I admired the tattoo designs lining the walls, listened to the sporadic punk music playing, and checked out Te and every other tattooed, pierced young male I could see roaming the place.

After a while the three of us were directed to a room down a hallway, third door on the right. It was painted a sickly teal color and was decorated with a few posters.. the only one I can recall in particular was dracula, something about drinking a pint of blood a day. Te came in with his black shoes, low jeans and belt, blue plaid boxers, Black Sabbath shirt, little white hat, well-inked arms and metal-ridden face, and began his piercing safetly lecture. Kinda turned me on. Apparently he had forgotten something, and stopped mid sentence. "Oh, wait. Hang on, I'll be back and start again in a second." We laughed as he slipped back out into the hallway for something. He got back, talked and joked and went on and on about the risks and how disgusting and germ-ridden our everyday lives are.

"Your mouth is the most disgusting part of your body, you know that? It's nastier then your asshole."

"You touched that doorknob on your way in and picked up tons of bacteria. People piss and don't wash their hands, touch everything. You could very well have hundreds of people's piss on your hands right now."

"There's also money. You touch dollar bills. Those dollar bills have been in strip clubs, up people's noses doing drugs..."

Then he got to the point. That was when I started getting nervous.. probably more so then B. In a rush I realized this was the first time for me to experience this kind of thing. I had to tell myself not to get jumpy. I didn't. In fact, after he put the clamp on, I leaned in and watched the needle poke through the underside of B's lip in a sort of strange fit of fascination.

So that was that. We went back to the front, and Te talked to B for longer then I expected.. telling him everything he could and could not do for the next three months of healing. "No oral sex. You don't want bodily fluids around there. Also, if you're gonna be making out make sure the person washes out their mouths with ~bactine? biatine? biotine?~ before and after." God... why bother? No tanning beds. No alcohol. Limited smoking. I can't remember much else.

The guy getting tattooed when we came in was then at the front paying. He was gorgeous. But by then there was a girl by his side and the name, 'Jennifer' tatooed on his forearm. Well, fuck that.

So we left and I got B to stop by the library to say hello to S.

Now I'm home and go to work in an hour.

This is a cool day.


Originally uploaded by Pancakes.

city's breaking down

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
Today was mellow and empty and happy and I'm left tired in a satisfied sort of way.
I got a new toothbrush.

I had gummi dinos and popcorn for breakfast.

I pre-ordered The Sims 2 Nightlife and for doing so will receive an exclusive car download.

I watched a beautiful Film Movement movie about so many things. Agata and The Storm. I think. It re-inspired a dream of mine.

America can blind and brainwash you.

I may go with B to get his lip pierced tomorrow. What fun.


Monday, July 18, 2005

I didn't really love you

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
I don't know where I found this pic, but cute tattoo right? I wonder who thought of that.

I had a strange, surprisingly bland day. I somehow managed to stay in bed 3 hours later than my alarm told me to. My trip to the library proved worth it, as I left with three very promising books. The Fight Club book, Stranger Than Fiction, and What Lips My Lips Have Kissed. Fight Club was awesome, so why not read the book? Stranger Than Fiction is by the same author as Fight Club, Chuck Palahniuk. I hear his latest (at least I think it's his latest) book, Haunted, has supposedly been known to make people pass out during certain chapters. So I am all for doing some research on him. Couldn't find Haunted, but Stranger Then Fiction is a collection of true stories, so, nifty. Then, as I was sitting between the shelves of non-fiction books reading the introduction for Stranger, I looked over and my eye was caught by the title of What Lips My Lips Have Kissed. It looks really interesting. "The loves and love poems of Edna St. Vincent Millay." I read some excerpts from her poems, and am looking forward to getting into the book.

Work was hot and hellish. I'm grateful for my day off tomorrow. I'll be doing laundry.

I once declared I'd start posting a poem every Monday. That didn't last long. I've only thought of it once or twice since then. So, I'm re-declaring.

Love Not

Caroline Elizabeth Sarah Norton (1808–77)

Love not, love not! ye hapless sons of clay!
Hope’s gayest wreaths are made of earthly flowers—
Things that are made to fade and fall away
Ere they have blossom’d for a few short hours.
Love not!

Love not! the thing ye love may change:
The rosy lip may cease to smile on you,
The kindly-beaming eye grow cold and strange,
The heart still warmly beat, yet not be true.
Love not!

Love not! the thing you love may die,
May perish from the gay and gladsome earth;
The silent stars, the blue and smiling sky,
Beam o’er its grave, as once upon its birth.
Love not!

Love not! oh warning vainly said
In present hours as in the years gone by;
Love flings a halo round the dear ones’ head,
Faultless, immortal, till they change or die,
Love not!


Sunday, July 17, 2005

I am not the one

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
At some point during the day a thought came to mind. I believe it was while I was here on the computer, and I heard S laughing in the den. I instantly wondered what she was laughing about. So the thought donned... why, when we hear other's laughter, are we so intrigued? I began thinking of times in the past when I would laugh hysterically at something and my mother would come running into the room to see what was so funny. All the time at work, when I start laughing, B, or any of the hostesses, some of the waiters... they'll all inquire. I always ask too. What's so funny? What happened? You just have to grin back at them and ask.
Why is that?
Do we instinctually want the happiness to spread? Are we all just that desperate for a good reason to smile?
That's my favorite conclusion. Desperation.


Willy Wonka, Willy Wonka, the amazing chocolatier

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
I was in love with the book in fourth grade. I've seen the original movie quite a few times. So upon hearing of the new movie....
starring Johnny Depp (AAHHH!!!)
directed by Tim Burton (AHHHH!!)
music by Danny Elfman (AAAHHHH!)
I was instantly smitten.
So finally, after all the waiting. After all the anticipation.
I have seen it.
It was amazing.
I was never a skeptic. My respect and admiration for Johnny's talent allowed my full trust that he would adopt and reinvent Willy Wonka.. make it his own. Of course he did. Not only did he present the expected cheery, innocent side of the character... but brought something new forward. He allowed the dark side to show through.
And he did it amazingly well.
Once again, I applaud my dear Depp.

And, of course, Tim Burton. Genius. Freaking brilliant genius.

The music, A+.
I LOVED the Oompa Loompa's new songs.
The storyline was updated, bringing Wonka's history into it (which I always wondered about), and they kept just enough and left out just enough and added just enough to create something... dare I say, perfect.



Friday, July 15, 2005

but you're pretty when you cry

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
Oooohh. Drama in the workplace.
And this time, I'm the object of it.
Just what I always fucking wanted.
My last and final words on the subject.

"Hey De?"


"Listen, I don't know WHAT the deal is. I don't know if your TRYING to come off as a complete asshole.
I liked you... I don't know WHY anymore.
But I am sick of hearing all this crap about what you've said about me and whatever behind my back.

~Yeah, sure.

Yeah sure. Yeah right. Fucking asshole. Fucking bigot. Fucking close-minded, judgemental, hick.

And my mouth has officially closed.


I kind of freaked out tonight at work. I desperately needed to calm down.. and when hostess J invited me to join in her smoke break, I was more then willing. B wasn't happy about it, and proceeded to tell me how wrong I was. I snapped at her, accused her of a few things, called her a few names. She got pissed. I was pissed.
But seriously. With everything going on that was the LAST thing I needed to hear from my best friend.

If I have learned anything recently, it's that it's best to approach any situation head on. Just deal with it. Be mature, and get to the point. Don't beat around the bush. Don't try to send messages with your eyes or body language. Just say whatever needs to be said, talk to the person it concerns, not anyone else. Don't listen to other people's opinions on the situation, or their little news reports.. chances are something about the report is false. Keep things where they need to be.. not out in the open as hovering tension.. just between you and that person. Don't freak out if you don't absolutely have to. Be honest. Don't think way more then you really need to, just get it over with. If you've resolved and moved on and they can't seem to, don't worry about it. Keep your head high, take it in stride. Move on with your life.
Oh yes, and when at the height of your emotional breakdown... PUT DOWN THE STEAK KNIVES.


Thursday, July 14, 2005

look at all the lonely people

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.

Wow. What a way to find out he reads my blog.
Sure, I admit it, fairly bitchy. It happens. I fear I'm a creature of brutal honesty, however. I write the truth of the moment.
Oh. And I don't believe one post on my personal blog would count as talking shit behind his back.
But we talked about it, and things are okay.

Anyway. Moving on.

I got up today.
I threw on the nearest, most comfortable, relatively clean clothing I could find.
I didn't wash my face, brush my teeth, or even touch my hair.
I might bother to do that later, if S decides to go to Dancin' in the District with me. Hope so.
I have to go next Thursday, though. By whatever means necessary I will be there. Cake is coming!! AH! Plus Tegan and Sara as well. Sweetness.

I discovered an amazing band yesterday. Vast. Kind of goth, I think.. which is cool considering I'm goth and have never actually found a goth band I liked. So much of it is just too borderline or flat out cheesy.

I've developed an strange obsession with tator tots.




Wednesday, July 13, 2005

getting to where you should be going

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
I've hung out with this friend of mine nearly every night for.. I don't know.. possibly a week now. I tend to get tired of people if there's too much contact too often. I realize I'm literally the only good friend he has left, but you have to draw the line somewhere. I do not enjoy being clung to. He called me fairly early today, and I didn't answer the phone. So, maybe an hour later, he showed up at my house. I couldn't hide, he had seen me through the front window. He had bought me a Charlie and The Chocolate Factory poster, which I appreciate very much. We talked a little bit. I didn't invite him in. "So I can't come in?" he said in a joking tone. I know him too well, though. That's what he does when he's genuinely let down or hurt about something.. he jokes. I told him I didn't feel well. -Not true.- I said I was having a wierd day. -Also not true.- I just wanted him to go away.
He's a great guy. I love him to death. He loves me too, just.. in a more, not only friends way. I just can't return the feelings.. I don't know why.. that's just how us fucked up humans work. Some people you can love and want to spend the rest of your life with.. some people you can't.
So although we seem to function just as well with that little rift, I'm left uneasy.
It's just the whole showing up at my house thing. If I don't answer my phone, I'm not answering for a reason. Take a hint. I can't keep you company 24/7.
I believe I reserve the right to be slightly creeped out.


Tuesday, July 12, 2005

not like you do

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
The meeting yesterday went well. I'm starting modeling classes September 10th. It should be interesting. Something new to do.

I was the model for the sister's hair cutting class yesterday. I'm fairly sure I lost at least 5 pounds of hair. It's so light, and easy to deal with now. There are a few very short pieces, but overall it's about shoulder length. I love it. Reminds me of two things.. a haircut my mom used to have, and one of the hairstyles on The Sims 2. It's cool. I believe it's very flattering to my facial structure as well. Very different, slightly funky.. my hair has a completely different personality now. I like it. I like it alot.

So after discovering the reason behind De's distaste towards me.. I've decided to try one more time. ~Why do you like him? WHY do you like him!?~ I keep asking myself. The answer? (Besides my lingering belief that I'm chronically self-destructive.) I have no idea. But I want to try for a second date... because this time, I promise, I WILL speak to him.
I'm sick of being confused about things. I keep being reminded that you shouldn't base anything on what other people say. It's best to keep things between you and that person so you know the closest thing to reality. People have said alot of things,.... but every time I catch him staring at me from the kitchen, I realize that.. I know that look.
He's probably just as confused as I am.


Sunday, July 10, 2005

just hear me out

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
It's amazing how my horoscopes can hit so close to home at times. The other day, amidst my De thoughts, it said I shouldn't get romantically involved because the thoughts would make me less discriminating. My experience proved I should have listened. Today it says my personal needs will make me consider a better professional position and that I shouldn't let someone hold me back. I woke up this morning thinking about how I have to figure out how the hell I will get out of work tomorrow. I've made a promise to my sister to be a model for her hair cutting class, and of course the one Monday I need off I'm scheduled for and no one can take. As far as being held back? B keeps telling me not to quit or get fired.. she couldn't handle the job without me.

My modeling meeting is tomorrow. I don't feel the least bit prepared. What do you do to get ready for such a thing? I have a few photos, I can present a pretty good attitude, and I'm still skinny and pretty. Umm.. yeah.



Saturday, July 09, 2005

Have you ever fucked on cocaine?

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
Okay, so here's how I work.
First, I get all hyped up on love. Or, to be more specific, the possibility of it.
Then something goes horribly wrong and/or right.
At the beginning I'm very realistic. I don't lose my head or expect very much. Basically, I don't give a shit.
Then the thoughts begin to wear me down. I start thinking too much and getting too optimistic for my own good.
Then I go crazy, not knowing what either one of us are really thinking.
Then I find out, and that damn optimism proves disasterous. I realize that I should have remained realistic, and because of the fact that I have not.. it has to hurt a little bit.

Yep. Lesbianism here I come. But really now, what would the difference be? That still requires relationships.

Yep. Dying a virgin.

Today I went to Madison with S to look at a house her mother and mother's boyfriend are thinking about buying. Horrible location, but the house was beautiful. Three stories.. very old. The guy that lives there is very much an artist, and very gay. The house was filled with antique furniture and paintings. I loved the house, but not the guy. Someone had to mention my modeling thing and from that point on I could just feel him looking me up and down. He mentioned he worked in that field, said I very much looked the part and that he thought I'd do well. At one point he actually stared at me for far too long. My unsure glances at him made him say, "I'm staring at you because I'm seeing you as a model. I just want to take down your hair and change your clothes and do a photo shoot!" I don't remember what I said. I was vaguely creeped out. Maybe if he had just taken off his sunglasses while we were inside my discomfort would have been eased. Something about the fact that I couldn't see his eyes felt infinitely awkward. I hope they don't buy that house.


Thursday, July 07, 2005

here I stand, head in hands

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
I've recently become a firm believer in the idea that shopping is therapy. Case in point, yesterday, I felt like complete shit the entire day. After spending $50 at Wetseal, however, I was just dandy.
Sure, I was a bit ashamed of turning to the light side for once, but let us compare. The awesome, punky, pinstriped workshirt with a matching tie at Hot Topic was on it's own $40. For $50, I got 4 shirts at Wetseal. They're all cute, they're all black, and all can be worn anywhere and everywhere. Plus they fit me like gloves and won't fall apart in a week.
Yes, shirts are my therapy. They're beginning to overload my closet.
I must report that the female parental unit payed for my beloved pair of all black converse. Not only are they beyond beautiful in my eyes.. but I can definitely pull those off at work.
Besides that, what I really need is a dress, and some good pants that actually fit. Maybe I'll pick those up next time I'm pissed off and/or depressed. Right now I don't really care.

I did find out today that I'll be going to Taos alone this year. Yeah. Need I even elaborate? I'm beginning the financial planning immediately after this post is finished. The excitement has radiated past the point of excitement.. I'm.. I'm... I'm just numb.


Tuesday, July 05, 2005

those American girls

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
Last night I came the closest I have ever been to killing myself. It literally seemed to be the most logical, realistic solution to the absolute desperation I created for myself. I have never actually rummaged through the medicine cabinets or taken a mental inventory of the guns in the house, but last night I did. I almost killed myself. I came within inches and scared myself shitless. I didn't cry. Not until I realized what I was doing, and began to wonder why. ~What is this? Punishment? For who? Am I this weak, or am I this strong? What the fuck have I done, what is happening to me.~ That's when I called male B. He saved my life.
I thought I had realized I was just purely self-destructive. Constantly trying to hurt myself, and in this case.. doing so by hurting others. But love makes you do crazy things, right? And B gave me different viewpoints.. realistic ways of looking at the situation. I wasn't trying to hurt, I was trying to help.. to teach.. to inform.. to give a much needed smack in the face. I don't know, something positive. Perhaps I could have been a bit more mellow about it, but perhaps it made him think.
In the end.. why can't he appreciate the fact that I love him more then life itself.
I would die for him.
Quite literally.

B and I had walked and talked, and I had stopped sobbing. We leaned on his car, one of us mentioned the storm forecasted for earlier in the day that never appeared. We layed on the hood, we smoked. It began to rain. It was one of the most beautiful moments of my life. The sky was black, and as I lay there staring and shivering I realized I was supposed to be alive. The rain was for me.

Today I went off-roading with De and people I didn't know. Some annoying, preppy girl and a guy that works in the kitchen at Bricks. De picked me up at about noon. I climbed in the back of his black jeep, he cranked up the country music.. and I instantly realized I was with the wrong people. "You okay with the music choice?" he asked, "I've got rap too." I'm just sitting there thinking, oh my god, oh my god, oh.. my.. god. We stopped by his house. His big-ass, messy house. He talked to the bricks kitchen guy about how he hates blacks and mexicans. He sang along to some shitty country song about the evil people in other countries and how us perfect americans will shove a boot up their ass if they mess with us. "Shove a boot up your ass," went the song, as De cranked it up and his friend screamed that it was the best part of the song. I didn't realize De was a rich asshole hick.
I don't know. Maybe somewhere under there is an interesting person. I'm willing to give him more chances. Maybe I should bring him into my world... rent a foriegn film and play some SOAD songs about how corrupt our government is.
Hey. They do say opposites attract.


Monday, July 04, 2005

detachable penis

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.

It's 8:30 pm on the night of July 4th. Here I am, feeling not so much depressed... more like, defeated.. hopeless.. and utterly pissed off.

Not only did female B completely fuck me over, but De won't pick up his phone. We made a date, he said he was going, and now he's not answering his phone. So fuck it. I'm becoming a lesbian.

Okay okay. Maybe not a lesbian. I'll just swear off men.
You know.. I never expected celibacy to be a part of my life.
Great. I'll die a virgin.

I'm gonna go blow some stuff up now.



Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
The past day or two has been interesting. Friday with the 'photo shoot', Saturday... well, nothing really, and today.
I went to bed at 1 AM, fully intending to wake up at 9. I set my alarm, went to sleep, and woke up feeling way too well rested for 9 AM. Yeah, that would be because it was 2:30 PM. The fucking alarm didn't go off. I got really pissed off, then felt like a failure.
I went ahead and got ready for work.. having to be there at 5, then spent some time on the computer. Not until 4:45 did I realize, however, the possibility of not having a ride there. Of course I didn't.. and had to walk. It takes me half and hour to get there. So I was late... and it was the fucking hottest day I have ever experienced.
We closed at 7, though, because of the holiday. So that was cool. Plus S showed up about an hour before that. The day got better from there.
We had dinner at Mellow Mushroom.. a place neither of us has been to in awhile. Then sat in front of Starbucks and did a little people watching. I wanted to stay at my house for some reason.. so we drove out to hers to pick up some stuff for tomorrow. On the way there we decided to stop at a fireworks tent since I had never bought fireworks and had just gotten my paycheck. We ended up spending about $40-$50. I realized that neither one of us would have the knowledge and/or courage to light the fuckers, though, so I called male B. He met us at my house, and brought his little brother.
His little, 13 year old, PSYCHO brother. I swear, we were all nearly killed at least 3 times.
S, B, and I all decided after those near-death experiences to take the big explosives away from the pyro child and stick to sparklers.
If I don't end up using those extra fireworks tomorrow, I'll just give them to T. I know he likes them.. and I can trust he'll blow stuff up wisely.
Anyway. They stayed for about an hour before B decided to take little psycho home and come back. Not before I had to chase the kid around the backyard, and driveway, a few times, threatening to kill him. I'm sorry, but you just don't fuck with me. He had a can of that cold air stuff.. and sprayed me with it once or twice... then popped one of those little confetti things at me. B had to hold me back once I had had the kid on the ground. He can run pretty damn fast, though.
So now B is back and he and S are waiting for me in the den so we can watch a movie.
I'm looking forward to living tomorrow. It should be an adventurous day. Oh, and.. yeah
I have a date tomorrow night.


Saturday, July 02, 2005

Mr. Sandman... bumm bum bum bum

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
Well, this is your correspondent from the normal world, S. Annie is out at the moment. I'll give you a run down of the day. We woke at about 12 noon (slackers we are...). Then we had some fun doing something I haven't done in a long time. Taking pictures! And just like her sister and every other female in her family, this girl is freakishly photogenic.

She drug all the clothes out of her closet and we came up with the first outfit. A nice, gothic A-line skirt with a black shirt, and killer shoes. I cleared off the sewing table while she was doing her "natural" make-up. The table is against a stone wall, with good lighting because of a sky-light. We took about 20 shots there, in varies states of undress. Then she changed outfits and we moved out to the screen porch. There are some good candid shots from that.

Another, more dramatic clothes and make-up change - a black fifties dress, dark eyes, and maroon lips. And I got the great idea of her standing and sitting on the piano. Which, since it was my idea, didn't work as well as I thought it would... (my curse of expectation)

After that - oh and cutting her out of the dress!!! - we tried some face shots and a few back shots. Which also did not work, because I can't hold a camera still anymore. But, then we went outside and I redeemed myself. As I think is evident from the picture. She looks so surprisingly good in green. It just works. Then the pizza guy almost ran over her, because I said "Lay on the driveway!" Sometimes... I really don't know why she listens to me. We had fifteen mintues to shove food down our gullets, then off to work for her.

I came back to her house and downloaded the pictures. Went to pick her up from work and B showed up. And that's about it. You'll have to ask her about work.

Let's see, what else? She's obesessed with the Cake song "Wheels". She had on shorts for the first time in years today. Not that those pictures will ever end up here, but today was a different kind of day.

Now, I just have to get her to contact the people she needs to call to get stuff done.

Oh, and somehow... I'm her personal assistant now, or more properly... I'll be her personal assistant when she makes it big into modeling and can pay me to do that. If she doesn't kill me first. (hehe)

Oh, and we watched a bunch of America's Next Top Model reruns on VH1. I really didn't want to like that show, but I do. Annie calls it research. She would not do well on that show. She couldn't live with that many people without some of them ending up under the floorboards.

And that is a run-down of my day spent with the amazing Annie. Sorry for the typos and sucky grammar.

Signing off,

Lust and greed have no limits. -Chinese Proverb