Wednesday, August 31, 2005

ciara's in the house


lovely
Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
My bedroom smells like chinese food. My fortune cookie said, 'you have an active mind and a vivid imagination' which is true for the moment... and I'm sure will be true in bed at some point.
I found another fortune cookie on the kitchen counter. I'm opening it at this very second and it says: 'Pack your bags. You are bound for an exciting destination to the far east.'
Sweet!.
My limbs are all achy and stiff from sitting hunched over at the desk in my bedroom for the past several hours. I've become engrossed in these little mail art type postcards I've been making to send to S with our writing exchanges. I just keep coming up with different ideas. I suppose the only thing to slow me down will be running out of packing tape.

~A

Tuesday, August 30, 2005

easy like sunday morning


gothpicnic01
Originally uploaded by Pancakes.

Funny how my sunday mornings always seem to be the worst.

It was the slowest night at work in a long time. We closed half an hour early.. and in the 3 1/2 hours preceding I spent 90% of my time half passed out on the hostess podium.
The newer hostess C worked with me. We seem to work together quite a bit.. and I've been noticing that she and I have a hell of alot in common. Of course, I can't try to establish a frienship or ask her to hang out outside of work... since I'm a freak who can't seem to connect with people to save my life. The most recent friendship I've developed is with Beans.. my sister's high school crush... who is at least 6 years older then me, engaged, and going into the navy in a few months. I think I've fallen in love with him. (Why did I realize that AFTER I made out with his brother?) So alot of good that does me. :( Why I cannot seem to have any type of relationship with anyone my age... I just don't know.
But anyway.

New developments:
S and I have put something creative and thoughtful into action. Every Tuesday we name a topic.. can be anything from streetlights to her brother.. and write as much about it as possible.. then have it in the mail by Friday. We've only done one exchange... but I absolutely loved it. We both did an amazing job and ended up with two memorable writings. The topic was her brother.. which I had more to say about then I realized. This week the topic is J, a waiter over at Blue Cactus. Not the torturously gorgeous J.. another one.. a.. beautiful J. So I'm all excited to start writing, and see what she has to say.

Oh, and.. correction to the previous post... the bohemians of greenwich thing was during the 20's, not the 30's.

~A

i have nice pants on


PDR_0992
Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
I think we're so bombarded by beauty that we can no longer appreciate it.

I think we're so smothered by technology that we can no longer create for entertainment.

And I think it's nearly impossible to escape.

So there.... that's what I think.

A little while after I started doing yoga, I noticed that my joints stopped popping. I had heard something about how the movements open up your joints, so I figured that was it. Suddenly, however, other things are popping... areas that I wasn't previously aware were capable of popping. Like, my sternum. That doesn't seem natural.

I watched Beyond Borders tonight on Showtime. I love it when the coolest random movies come up on that channel. That's a damn good movie, and I'm surprised I didn't cry. It seems just a little while ago I was crying about everything... the women giving birth on TLC's a baby story, for example. Now it seems I've returned to my good old ways of needing a damn good reason to get emotional.
Anyway. After Beyond Borders, I was so surprised to see The Girl on the Bridge. A couple weeks ago I heard about that movie for the first time. I don't know where or how... maybe I read it, or saw it on TV.. I'm not sure.. but it was in something about Vanessa Paradis, Johnny Depp's girl, and it was talking about what she's done and it mentioned The Girl on the Bridge. So there it was on Showtime.. so I watched it.. and I was surprised. I naturally had an instantaneous dislike for her, given that she's spending her night's in Johnny's bed somewhere out there in France, but this movie changed my views. I have respect for her. Apparently she can act.

I have alot running through my head at the moment. I spent the last hour reading some of that Edna St. Vincent Millay biography I've been working on for so long. Which reminds me.. I want to google some photos of her.
The last few pages have been about her time in Greenwich Village as a part of the bohemians... the writers, artists, actors, who gathered in taverns and bistros in the area.
This just adds to the number of eras I've wanted to spend time in.
-Medieval (royalty/part of the court)
-Renaissance (artist.. part of that whole awakening thing)
-Victorian (a repressed woman forcibly married to a rich man)
-That time when they wore the frilly gowns, powdered wigs, and s-shaping corsets that they couldn't breathe in and spent their time sucking up to the rich people (Maybe it's referred to as Edwardian? I don't know.. I just want to prance around in one of those ridiculous gowns)
-The 70's (free love, man)
and now...
-The 30's (bohemian in greenwich, discussing poetry with Edna)


Funny how I want to be a certain type of person in each era.

~A

Sunday, August 28, 2005

start a brand new colony


PDR_0956
Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
Dreadfully sorry, but my internet has been down for a very long time.

Nothing has happened. I haven't changed.

But I do have to go for a run, do my nails, and cheat on a few tests.

So although I'd like to enlighten you with some insightful story of great experience.... umm... maybe later.

I'm thinking red would be good for my nails right now. The black is chipping.

~A

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

haven't slept a wink


dollses
Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
I desperately need one good, full night of sleep. I haven't had one since about, oh, Thursday of last week. I'm starting to feel the effects.

I had to be fairly positive today, though. I was on Talk of the Town this morning as a hair model with a few other girls. There was the blond preppy one turned Barbie, the bigger and darker skinned one turned wavy redhead, the long haired brunette preppy one turned short haired brunette, and me.... the 'dramatic' change. My sister and the woman she works with at Bishop salon stripped all the color out of my hair and dyed it a warm brown with some bergundy on the sides. It's nice, but it kind of pisses me off. It now matches my mother's hair, so I look even more like her. That, and it's just so painfully normal. It's cute, but it's really just not me. The cut and shape to it is tolerable, but I feel plain. I don't like that.
I'm thinking about attempting to put some black and red high/low lights or something. I really won't be able to stand this for long.
Either way, I stood there between the bantering hosts and smiled and lied that 'yes, I like this so much better'. I may be a fan of brutal honesty, but I will gladly lie to the entire town to get my sister some recognition as a stylist.
They did my makeup, too. It looked amazing, although it was odd to have such shiny lips so suddenly.

The show was on live around noon, and shows again at 6 and 11 PM on channel 50. So if you want to catch it.. and laugh at me.. there you go.
The whole hair thing is the very last part of the show, though. You'll have to sit through Kirk Cameron's (dude from Growing Pains) rants about Left Behind in all his bible freak-ishness, (More about that later) a cooking segment for some butter packed casserole that my mother joking whispered was like 'a heart attack in a casserole, (I just about lost control laughing in the background when she said that.. I'm glad I didn't lose it) and some YMCA chick talking about Lupus. Maybe there's something else I've forgotten.

Anyway. So I met Kirk Cameron. That was interesting. All of us models and stylists were sitting in the studio around the newscast area when he walked in. I was just being an observer, so I watched him come in and at first just thought he was some cute guy. It took me a while to realize that I recognized him from somewhere, then.. *ding*.. ~oh yeah, I used to watch that 80's show~. I thought it was pretty cool at first... you know that whole wierd feeling that comes with seeing someone in person who you've only ever seen on TV/Computer/Movie screens... until I realized he was there to promote Left Behind and got so into his faith and premiering the movie in churches. That was slightly disturbing to me. Then someone mentioned he's been married for 8 years and has 6 kids.... so.. damn. After his little interview was over he came over to all of us and handed out these odd fake million dollar bills. That was stupid enough, but then you turned them over and found an entire lecture written out about stealing, lying, lusting after others, and sinning in general... reminding us that we'd all go to hell if we didn't repent. Now that turned me completely off.
Normally if someone handed that to me, I'd rip it up. I kept this one, though. I mean... Kirk Cameron did give it to me, so I figure that's pretty interesting. Conversation piece.

~A

Monday, August 22, 2005

it doesn't remind me of anything


PH0136%20KISS
Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
I haven't blogged in the past few days because since Friday night, I have only now just regained full consciousness.
I've forgotten the desire to tell stories. Now I just make lists.
I don't think you really want to know it all, though. So I'll make this brief.
Friday night I got off work early and hung out around there.. talking to the some of the people I work with whom I've actually really grown to love. After that I saw Red Eye.. which was pretty good. After that I went to Steak n Shake... and that, my friends, is where the trouble began. I ran into a few people and after a while ended up out of town... and completely plastered. I and everyone around me was more drunk then we had ever been before. A hell of alot went down. As a result, I can say I have now:
~Been asked to marry someone
~Kissed a girl
~Pulled off a guy's shorts
~Possibly saved someone's life by taking their keys
~Been taken advantage of
~Taken advantage of someone
~Seen two guys kiss in person
~Been the 'other girl'
~Experienced serious pain from a hicky/bite-mark
~Flat-out ended a relationship with a good friend

Among other things.

I have this list of all the people I've had any type of 'more then friends' encounter with. Anything counts... from a 2 year relationship to a single kiss.. to whatever. I had to update it after Friday. The original title.. "Boys".. had to be changed to.. "Boys (and girls)".. and the total number of people on the list jumped from 5.. to 8.
I'm not the least bit ashamed, embarassed, or regretful. The experience and memories just keep building, and I think it's beautiful. Somewhere within the past month or so I've decided to be happy. When I set my mind to something, I do it.
I don't know what exactly it is that's helping me have this consistent inner peace and satisfaction. I've become slightly addicted to exercise... doing yoga or going for a serious run every morning now. What are those things... endorphins? Yeah.. maybe those are helping. Maybe it's that I've laid out a form of organization for myself with a list of things to do each day of the week... ~laundry day, etc.~ and every time I finish each little goal I feel so accomplished. Maybe it's that as a result of these little guidelines.. I've FINALLY straightened up my room and have my own beautiful sanctuary. Maybe it's that I've realized I can cultivate some good friends if I just allow myself to. Maybe it's that I've finally proven to myself that I am an artist. Maybe it's that I feel more attractive then I ever have. Maybe it's that I've accepted that I can be myself... and be happy simultaneously, no matter how impossible it seemed in the past.

Maybe I'll come crashing down.

But I doubt it.

~A

Friday, August 19, 2005

push me


PDR_1002
Originally uploaded by Pancakes.

I had one fucked up dream last night. I can't even describe it, so I'll just name some keywords and phrases.
On the beach with S, Mexico, creepy water ride, humongous fake shark, T shows up and pulls a lever, a tank emerges and plunges into the bay, he jumps, suicide, massacre, manic tears, insanity, oh it was all a trick, anger, me choking T.
So there. Uh..... yeah.

So De decided to be all nice to me tonight at work. Talking,messing around, and making me nervous. So I assume he's just trying to leave the past behind and start over in a friendly situation. I realize, however, that I cannot be in a easygoing, platonic relationship with him. No. Because 95% of the time I'm around him, I'm thinking about jumping his bones. That's no way to be a friend.
Maybe the next time he blocks a doorway just to see if he can make me speak, instead of standing there in silence until someone gives up... I'll just squeeze past and rub against him as provocatively as possible. Maybe whisper a breathy "excuse me" in his ear as he freezes in shock.
Yeah... pull off the whole.. silent, sexy, mysterious thing I'm always going for.
Yeah.
We'll see how that goes.

Hmm... maybe I should pluck my eyebrows for this one.

~A

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

dream weaver


65768865_l
Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
Quite a while ago I decided to try yoga. I did it for about a week, and somewhere along the way I realized I was suddenly remembering my dreams. It was something I hadn't been able to do in years. A few days after that week was up and I wasn't doing any yoga... I couldn't remember a single sliver of any of my dreams.
I thought that was interesting.
I sort of forgot about it until this past week. A few days ago I randomly decided to stretch out a bit.. and it's sort of becoming a nightly habit. I'll just take a little time out and do every move I can remember from my yoga and gym class stretching experiences. This morning as I lay half-awake, I was thinking about the strange dreams I've been having and how strange it was that I could suddenly remember them again and *ding* I realized why.
That's pretty cool.

Here is some of the strangeness that has been in my dreams:

~ I spent all my extra money on crack, which I was buying from a girl I went to school with.
~ I had sex with Edward Scissorhands. He no longer had scissors for hands, but.. well, I won't go into detail here.
~ Me and a few of my friends... including female B, C, and a couple girls I haven't talked to in ages... were these big, famous supermodels. We were all at some party that my aunt was having. I was leading them around, showing them this massive playground type area that was built in the backyard. I began leading them up this spiral staircase made of wood, that was really cramped and went up and up and up for ages. We were all wearing these flimsy dresses and stilettos, so I kept thinking it was dangerous for us to be climbing around so high up. Once we reached the top we had to manuever over this strange arrangement of jungle gym type bars to get to the bar. We approached and got drinks, and I asked the bartender if it was exciting to be bartending so high up. He didn't seem too enthused.

So anyway. In an attempt to organize my life a bit, I've decided that today is laundry day.
Better get back to it...

~A

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

bananas


PDR_0981
Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
Ouch.
Everything just seems to hurt today.
I haven't been able to move.
Or see.
I can't figure out what my problem is. I know it isn't depression. It could be the fact that I haven't eaten today, or that I got WAY too much sleep.
Maybe I'm getting sick? I don't think my nose would be acting like this if it wasn't beyond emotional problems or something of the sort.
At least I don't have to work tomorrow. If this continues, I wouldn't want to have to drag my ass around like I did tonight. I do really wish we could get a few hostesses who would ACTUALLY DO THEIR JOBS. That would be nice. Then maybe I wouldn't have to do EVERYTHING, while I'm sick, while they sip from their goddamn styrofoam cups, lean against the bar, and laugh with the pizza girl.
I wanted to rip C's head off SO many times tonight.

Grr.

I should try to come up with something entertaining to do on Saturday, since I have the day off for once. Weekends are almost always spent working, so I should do... something.

Yeah.

It seems my problem is motivation. I just don't have it anymore.

~A

Monday, August 15, 2005

love's an excuse to get hurt


img_06_big
Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
Today I slept until 6 PM and hung out with my randomly arriving sister for the first time in months.
There's just something about siblings.

I feel very... statisfied, settled, and sexy today. It's a good feeling.
Perhaps it's a result of being (basically) at peace with every aspect of my life. However brief this may prove to be, it's good to know it can happen.

~A

cock it and pull it


PDR_0932
Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
Umm.
Today was weird.
I hung out with T.

And I don't know what to say.

Mainly because I am drunk beyond belief right now.

This is my first night to consume alcohol in quite a few months now. I've been sucking down the beer and the cigarettes ever since I returned from the half of the Winter's Tale, and other random acts to pass the time with T and S.
To be honest... I didn't exactly plan on spending this first time hanging out with T in forever with S as well, but that's just how things worked out.
Honestly... it's slightly hard to remember any times I was with T without S around.

Who gives a fuck anyway.

I feel like Christina Ricci in Prozac Nation right now....
"God, I WISH I was on DRUGS!!!!"

I feel like there's much to say. I just spent the last few minutes writhing around in my den, half watching the video for that stupid new song by some 'hip hop' person... "hey Mr., hey Mr. DJ... won't you turn the music up," and half lost in my drunken fantasies... wishing I were in some packed club grinding in the center of a crowd of careless 18-24 year olds... one in particular getting closer, promising a night of useless fucking I'll regret later.

You know the last person I kissed was 23 years old? 23. I'm 16!
And you know I haven't told a single soul I couldn't trust? It doesn't matter anymore though. I wish I could find a clone of him, only 6 years younger.

T's going to be 18 very soon. You know... the only thing I can think of to say is that I'm very disappointed in him. I expected so much better.

You know.. I think I should become an alcoholic. I feel so much more..... able to deal... this way.

Worried about me?



You should be.

~A

Sunday, August 14, 2005

sleep tight my baby


PDR_0350
Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
This morning feels more like days ago, as I didn't eat or sleep the entire night.. hoping to hold out for the rest of the day so I could sleep tonight and switch to a more satisfying sleep schedule. It didn't work. It wasn't long before I realized I was too exhausted to stay up. Somewhere around noon I collapsed in bed.. and actually fell asleep in the process of setting the alarm on my cell phone. I typed in the first number and went out like a light. When I woke up, panicking.. thinking I had probably slept past an appropriate time to call T AND the time I was supposed to be at work.. I found the phone still in my hand.. only the number two pressed in, awaiting the designated minute to go off. Thank god I had only faded for a couple hours.
Anyway. I did call T... despite my strong inclination not to. It went something like this:
T: Hey, how's it going?
Me: Fine... how are you?
T: Pretty good.
Me: .. so you still want to do something today?
T: Sure.... uh, what were you thinking we could do?
Me: ~laugh~ I have no idea.
T: Hmm.. well, uh, we, could..

SILENCE

Talk about memories. I instantly had flashbacks to so many of our phone conversations. Just.... SILENCE. Either we had a fairly flimsy relationship, or... there was something special about being connected in some way. Right.
So anyway. We ended up deciding to do something tomorrow. He had family business, I had work.
So we'll see what happens.

Either way I'm going to see Shakespeare in the Park with S tomorrow night. They're doing the Winter's Tale this year.
I'm also thinking about stopping by a stationary shop in downtown franklin to ask about a part time job they have available. I walked around the square and down main street around midnight tonight with S, and saw a little sign they had up asking for help. I gasped and exclaimed... "I need that job... I LOVE paper!" Maybe they need someone during the day. That way I can keep my night job. (Although I have seriously considered quitting during a few bouts of frustration and fury.) We'll see.

Tonight I discovered that Monday is J's last day. That means I HAVE to finish this drawing. I do wish he had informed me of his 3 month stay in Chili sooner.. but, whatever. I'll probably finish it once I get this posted. It's sitting right in front of me... ~finish me!~
Okay.

~A

Saturday, August 13, 2005

wake me up


nickbeach
Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
Ah.. another Friday night gone to shit. All destinations proved unfruitful, and the wierd.. random fight with male B was a perfect conclusion.

I just don't even care anymore.

Fuck this.

~A

Thursday, August 11, 2005

are we back now where it all began?


legs
Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
Last night I was out from around 9 PM to 2:30 AM, sitting in an abandoned Steak and Shake... and no one knew but me. And male B.
What is it with college people looking 16 years old these days?
On the way home I stopped at Walmart and bought Lifesavers Sour Gummies, bright red hair dye, and a Cosmopolitan magazine. Just one of those random 'I have to buy myself something' therapy sessions I fell into. Although now the roots that had grown out, leaving my black hair with a strip of dull brown down the part, are now a blinding red. Personally, I like it alot. My mother voiced her distaste (like I didn't expect that), saying, "That looks awful!" Does it matter what she thinks of it? I'm sorry but it's my hair and if I want flaming red roots I'll have them. As long as I like the results, that's all that matters. She mentioned something about how the Talk of the Town people are depending on me as a hair model (have I not written about that before?). She acts as if this is so final and permanent. Hello.. that's what more black dye is for.
Bitch.

This Cosmo is such bullshit.

"5,000 Men Took It: Sex Survey"
"Sizzling Sex Tips"
"Guys Uncensored"
"His Point of View: Ways to Wow Him After Sex"
"Cosmo for Your Guy: Sweeten Your Sack Sessions"
"Cosmo Quiz: Do You Make a Hot Impression?"
"5 Ways to Make Him Melt"

All in one issue. Yes, I admit, I'm reading this crap. Honestly, though, I bought it for collaging material.. and figure I should read it to justify spending the $5. I just keep thinking... 'do we really need this manuel? Let it be and allow some creativity!'
I wonder... is there some sort of darker version of Cosmo? Something that would give us alternative tips and tricks?
"Sizzling Fetish Tips"
"Where to Pour The Molten Wax"
"Handcuffs, Whips, and Chastity Belts.. Best Deals for Winter"
"Top Techniques for Bondage: Knots You Never Dreamed Of"

Anyway.

I have things to do.

~A

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

don't you wish your girlfriend was a freak like me?


Sowebo-People1
Originally uploaded by Pancakes.

I've somehow managed to configure my sleeping patterns in such a way that I now have two of each day. There's just that natural 'new day' perception you get when you wake up, right? Also when you see the morning come alive. So somewhere, roughly around 4 AM, I get the idea that... 'hey, it's wednesday now,' and I live in wednesday until about 9 or 10 AM when I collapse somewhere. Then I wake up anywhere from 2-4 PM, and again get the idea that, 'hey, it's wednesday now...again.' It remains wednesday until 4 or 5 AM the next morning, when the morning light suggests Thursday.. and so the process continues. I have two of each day. The past two days have felt like 4 and it's kind of creeping me out.

I have a few ideas of what to do with my time. These are mainly just random ideas that pop into my head when I'm bored and idle.
- Hyper-organize my bedroom. It's been a while since I've hyper-organized anything, and I believe I've forgotten the satisfaction. The room has become, literally... one big pile of random crap. So I'd like to sort it out and.. I don't know, maybe fung-shui the area. That would be interesting.
~ Use these two small black boxes of drawers I have specifically designed for office organization, and collage them with some sort of cool color theme. Sort of along the same lines of the first, but they occured to me separately so shut up.
- Get my school work DONE. Ha
There's a few other things but none of them are surfacing at the moment. Either way I always seem to gravitate towards watching foriegn films while collaging my copy of Dante's Inferno.

Last night I suddenly just completely turned around. I went from,
'I'm not happy and probably never will be.. even if I am I doubt I'll know how to act like it,' to..
'I'll be happy if want to, god damnit.'

From,
'I've become such a weak little girl,' to..
'I am a strong woman.'

From,
'I never want to see T again, I could almost say I've grown to hate him' to..
'T's a great guy, what am I doing? I should hang out with him this weekend.'

From,
'I'll never find someone,' to..
'I'm so young and there are so many people out there, I'm crazy for thinking it's hopeless. I will find someone when the time is right."


From worrying about petty things to caring about the important things.
From clinging to the past to growing up.


So today I woke up and... felt the same. Slightly different mentality, though.
Oh yeah... and now I'm set to hang out with T this weekend. I'm still teetering between, 'hey cool!' and 'oh shit!' on that one.

~A

you're never there


PDR_0381
Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
Tonight as I lay watching Aqua Teen Hunger Force with my cat up against me, I had an epiphany. She was stretched out along my right side, one of her rear legs stretched across my chest.. paw pressed against my lips, her front leg rested on my stomach. She was just so freaking cute, and she only moved during my momentary laughing attacks.. during which she'd stretch out and let out a precious little half-meow then resume her former position. So my epiphany was based on the fact that I really don't need much. I was just made so happy, so comforted, so amused.. by her.

It seems all my pictures appear out of date now. I need to take a few new ones. I don't have any of my updated hair or anything.
Speaking of pictures.. my mother got a few rolls of film developed today and made sure I saw all of them. The first couple rolls were of a kitten we had for a short time, she got hit by a car and died very young... I barely remember her. The third roll was pictures from my sister and bro-in-law's wedding party thing. I hadn't thought about it in so long. I'm only in a few... one that someone took of me, T, and Ev talking away from the group.... and a bunch that were taken of a group of us who hijacked a go-cart. Those pictures upset me. T looked so fucking cute. We both looked so young. Everyone seems happy (except for T of course... infinitely depressed then). I don't know, I just held them and had the instant impulse to rip them up. I wish I could look at them and see the celebration of my sister's wedding... but all I see is T and I in our beginning. Over two years ago that was.... and I'm still thinking about him all the time.

Eugh.

Anyway. I've noticed something. I seem to be trying to start over. Whereas while I was there, I felt above and beyond my years. Now I'm trying to take advantage of my age and ability to snag something cute and young and shallow. I don't want a deep, meaningful, serious relationship with someone I love. Nope. I want what a first relationship is supposed to be.. at least starting out empty. I never got that. I had my real relationship first. Why can't T vanish from the past few years of my life so I can meet him when we're in our twenties? By then I can have a few stupid, empty, shallow relationships under my belt and actually realize and appreciate how lucky I am to have him when I do!

Life sucks ass. The older I get the more I act like a teenager. It's like I'm growing out of my maturity.
I've only noticed one big difference since my birthday... that being that my sex drive has significantly heightened.
just. what. i. need.

god damnit

~A

Monday, August 08, 2005

you were walking by a cafe on a paris street


pic020104
Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
be with me.

I do believe I'm showing signs of fading out on my once daily blog updates. Now I'll go a couple days without even thinking about it. Hmm.

My father returned home today from a week in Texas. If asked whether I missed him I'd have to say, "No. In fact, to be completely honest.. I barely noticed he was gone." Apparently he was sorely missed by my mother, however. Because today for the first time in YEARS I heard my parents having sex. While faced with the sounds of a humping brigade in the next room.. I noticed differences in my reaction. Years ago I would have been mainly curious. Having been wizened with time, however, I was more instantly disgusted. That, and with my mother's theatrics, something came to mind that I had never even considered before... "I wonder if she's faking." She HAS always seemed like a good actress. Then again, she tends to overreact to some things. I have never once wondered if my father was good to his partners in bed. Now I realize why... I REALLY don't want to think about it.

I just can't seem to finish this drawing for J. I can't get a good theme going.. and my details seem shady and hurried. I think I know why. When Beans asked me to do one for him, I attacked the project and finished it quickly but with extreme care... because, well, I cared. He and I have developed a friendship of sorts, and I really like the guy. I wanted to give him something I was proud of, that would impress him. My love for him fueled my work. With J, however... I barely know him and don't really want to. He's nice, an okay guy, and I like him.. but some things about him turn me off. He's awfully cocky, with a few other downfalls. So although I'd like to draw something beautiful for him, I can't find the motivation because I don't have any type of deep regard for him. So everything is coming out forced and somewhat half-assed. I have to come up with something, though. I need to get him off my back.... I'd like to walk through the kitchen without him nagging me about it. Still, I refuse to give anything to anyone if I'm not proud of it. So... just.... ~sigh~.

On a different note, I have re-discovered the wonders of Steak-n-Shake. Going there on Friday around midnight was an adventure. Somehow I just really wanted a cheeseburger from there... enough for me to push aside whatever memories would hold me back from going. Oh the beauty of artsy night dwellers in the smoking section. There was Ja, cute 19 year old from Memphis in town for a bike show that he invited me to go to with him that next morning. After that he and his friends were heading back to Memphis for a suspension show... you know, those people who get deep peircings in their backs and hang from shit. He gave me sexy looks and hugged me goodbye. (AAAGHGHGHG.... male body.) Then there was the table of gothy boys. They all had perfect hair. Come on now... you know how I am about boys with perfect messy hair. One of them was literally..... perfect. His hair was dark, his skin was pale, he wore a dark grey polo, low tattered jeans, nice plaid boxers, and he crawled over the back of the booth instead of troubling his friend to move. They left the second I was working myself up to rack up a phone number or two. Last but not least, the pirate boy. But, we won't go there. The cute chick in red was pretty cool too.

I had some sort of odd dream about T last night. I was talking to him, telling him how I really felt.. actually getting a reaction out of him(gasp.. how long has it been since that's happened!?). The odd thing was, as we talked, we kept switching off being male and female. For a few seconds, I'd be female and him male like usual, then suddenly I was a guy and he a girl. One second, I was reaching out to him and he was pulling away like usual.. the next he was crying to me and I wasn't listening.
Either way it all managed to piss me off.

~A

Thursday, August 04, 2005

feeling two foot small


PDR_0303
Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
I just read this in the monthly Tshirt hell newsletter. There was some hate mail from a member of the KKK, complaining about one of their shirts:
"KROSS-BURNING-KOCKSUCKING-KLOWNS." The letter said, "First off we do not burn crosses, we light them you stupid fuck. It is a symbol of the light of Jesus Christ."
At the end in the 'editor's note', the reply included: "Thanks for clarifying that you don't burn crosses. I hope someone "lights" your house."

HA! Had to laugh at that one.

I did a little soul searching earlier today. It was about 6 AM and I had somehow managed to stay awake the entire night. I laid there in bed, expecting myself to pass out at any second.... but nothing happened. I just stayed awake and was haunted by all my raging thoughts. After about 45 minutes I sprang out of bed, threw on the first clothing items I found.. and ran down the street to the elementary school. It seems in some of my worst times, I always end up there. I somehow take refuge in the swings. So I swung and I swung and I contemplated everything that needed some serious thought. It's funny.. about a year or so ago the things that swarmed my mind were so much deeper. I was in constant regard of religion and it's affect on my life and which path I wanted to take. Now I'm always thinking about finding someone, and losing my virginity. So I realized as I was doing this re-evaluation, that the things that I think about the most are really the least important things in my life.

I don't know. I'm thinking about studying quantum physics or something.

~A

Wednesday, August 03, 2005

he's the antichrist


blog
Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
So I couldn't decide on a good picture for today. I went on google, typed the first word that popped into my head, (blog), and saw this. How odd. I just happened to have watched half of that movie last night on AMC.

Yesterday I wore eye makeup for the first time in about 3 weeks. This morning I remembered why I stopped wearing it. The thick black smudges around my eyes were enough. ~You have got to wash your face, Annie. You won't have clear, indestructable pores forever!~ There's just something about these old, leftover makeup rims of black that bring me down.

The idea didn't strike me until last night to ask for a birthday present. Yes, my birthday was yesterday. woo hoo. I was sitting at Bricks (my birthday, a day off, and I go to work) with my mother and aunt (my freaking mother... on my birthday) when my uncle called and told my aunt that he was at the Lone Wolf tattoo place. *ding* It popped into my head. That's what I want for my birthday.. a piercing! I mentioned it and my mother gave me this disgusted look. What's twisted about her is that when I last mentioned a piercing she said, "Why don't we compromise and get you a tattoo instead." WHAT THE FUCK? At least I can take a piercing out when I have to. A tattoo is forever. I'm getting one, just not right now.
So my present idea fell through. If I had persisted I'm sure it would have happened, but I just didn't want to deal with it at the time. Maybe I'll wait until I'm in Taos and go to the tattoo place with my aunt. That would be a better experience anyway.

So time to WASH MY FACE and take a shower and maybe get some school work done and such. I'm glad I work tonight. I get to wear my new dark bluish-greenish-turqoisish shirt that I got at Pangaea. :) What? COLOR!? AAAAGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

~A

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

dirty little secret


gothic
Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
It's when I turn around and start functioning in daylight hours that I begin to remember why I became a night person in the first place.

I'm just going to hide in my room for the rest of the day and night, collage a book, and try to make the space in there tolerable.

I'm seriously going to have to gag my mother if she won't leave me the fuck alone for 10 minutes. I cannot WAIT to get back to work tomorrow.
God damn.

~A

Monday, August 01, 2005

maybe there is nothing that I can do


PDR_0332
Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
I've spent my day doing my best trying to stay away from my mother. We both have the day off, and my father is somewhere in Texas at the moment.. so I'm her last human being to victimize. She won't shut up.

The truck my father left for her to drive while he has her car wouldn't start last night. Male B was kind enough to look at it and give his input last night, and today I think she got my grandfather over to help her with it. I was out on the porch talking to the cat a moment ago when she came outside and decided to see if the truck would start. I heard her tinkering around with something under the hood.. and heard her say, "Ugh.. just watch me get electrocuted." My thoughts instantly started strategizing. I came in the house to be sure I'd be inside if and when she got shocked so I wouldn't be right there to witness the accident. Now I've turned up the music on my computer so loud that I can claim I couldn't possibly have heard the zaps, screams, or thumps.

~A