Friday, September 30, 2005

i should have known

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
Ahh... that yoga was the best. Totally made life worth living.
Ohh... guess what I get to do. Walk to work.
I was just getting the color out of my skin again and now I get to walk in the sun for half an hour. Just what I wanted to do today.
I actually don't really care. I don't remember the last time I spent time outside.. besides my daily trips to the mailbox.

OH YES... it feels like autumn outside. FINALLY. That summer heat was really starting to get to me. Just a day or two ago I walked outside and was met by cool air... I gasped and let out a sigh of relief. I'm really looking forward to autumn and winter. Halloween is coming up... I LOVE Halloween. I've always dressed up, since coming up with halloween costumes is a breeze with my wardrobe. I haven't gone out, or been trick-or-treating in years. Perhaps I would do something this year.. if I weren't going to the NIN concert that night.
Heh heh heh.... ahhhh,, yes.

I think I'm feeling dark today.


Thursday, September 29, 2005

stumbled across you, and I know you're not the truth

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
I love this picture. It looks like I'm whispering all my best secrets to her.

Your Horoscope for September 29, 2005
You may be a little emotional today, but that's OK if it clears the air so you can move forward. End old problems now. Rid yourself of relationships that hold you back.

Ahh.. how creepy for that to pop up at the exact moment I've finished reading T's latest post.

I had an odd dream last night. It was about a guy I went to middle and high school with, and always had a little crush on. (The night before I dreamed about another guy I went to high school with and had a little crush on.. that dream was way cool.. industrial and depressing. But back to the point..) This guy actually worked at Bricks long before I did.. but in the dream we were working together. Somehow things evolved to the point where he and I were together. All I remember is walking through the kitchen, tugging at the back of his shirt, and meeting him in the back room. This was just minutes after we were 'officially together', but apparently I was ready to get to the point. I pressed myself up against him and said 'kiss me,' then surprised him with by jerking him closer and kissing him. He proved to be an awful kisser, though, and came back at me with way too much tongue.. and teeth. It reminded me of drunk kissing... when all emotion is drained and all you feel is the technicalities of the kiss.. something that when done wrong, it awfully repulsive.
I don't remember much else about the dream... mainly just odd, blurry scenes in a dinner-party-esqe atmosphere.

Last night I kept telling myself to get to bed early so I could get myself moving at a fairly decent morning hour. Now I can't figure out why. I woke up at a fairly decent hour and just laid there for awhile... wondering, why the fuck I wanted to be up when I had absolutely nothing to do. I hate that.

Well dear god you will not BELIEVE the events of last night's shift at Bricks. De and I became the center of drama... again.
Now I will admit to you, dear internet, something that I wasn't willing to say to any co-worker. I told them it was completely unexpected and I was totally unprepared. When, in reality... it wasn't COMPLETELY unexpected. There had been little hints dropped between us here and there.. so I had an idea... YET although I knew there was still an attraction there I didn't expect it to amount to anything. At least not this early.
So there's been flirting between us.. glances and teases and all that crap. Last night wasn't lacking in any of the petty flirtatious gestures here and there... but one specific event sticks out in my mind. Something that left me hot, bothered, and ready to jump the boy. I was doing linens (don't all my work stories begin with linens..), and as I was walking out of the back room I got lost in thought about something.. something sexy. I got a little smirk on my face, and my walk amped up a little bit... then De unexpectedly walked through towards the coolers. It surprised me, and I snapped back to reality... but I didn't look at him, or change anything about my expression. We crossed paths, and he whipped around, looking right at me,.. fell back on the door to the coolers and said.. "DAMN!" I looked back at him over my shoulder and smiled.. totally surprised by the way he said that. It wasn't just a damn... it the sexiest, most thrilling damn I have ever heard in my life. A damn that sent shivers down my spine, in recognition of a blatant expression of approval. It made me feel SO hot. For at least an hour after that I walked around, working.. in a complete daze.. re-living the scene and wishing to hear that damn again and again.
Later on in the night I noticed De, C (another kitchen boy), and M (I think he works at Blue Cactus, but I'm not sure what he does.. he just always seems to be around), all huddled together and talking about something. These little meetings among them have once or twice proved to be about me. M seems to think I'm hot (which creeps me out.. he's WAY too old for me) and apparently has made a point to torture De about dissing me the way he did before. Apparently De has agreed with M's opinions about me, but when M encourages him to say something to me about it, he refuses. (I think I just creeped the hell out of him on our first date.)
So anyway... they had this little pow wow, and things changed from there on. I had the idea they were talking about me, but didn't really care. But like I said... things changed. I randomly walked by the window to the kitchen when C called me over and asked if I still liked De. "What?" I replied, "Why?... not sure if I wanted to know why he was asking. C's sister, the pizza girl E told me not to answer him. I told him I didn't feel obligated to answer the question and left. He kept asking, though, and I kept inquiring as to why the hell he wanted to know. Eventually he said that he had a bit of useful information for me if I just answered the question. So I said, "Okay... well, yeah, maybe a little. WHY?" He proceeded to explain to me that De was saying he'd like to date me again. It was like a completely random, unexpected slap in the face. "WHAT!!!!!???? Are you FUCKING SERIOUS!?" Yeah, he was serious. He asked me how I felt about it. I didn't know. I walked around for awhile in complete shock. I actually found myself angry there for a while, very confused.. just completely surprised by the new development.
I've gotten used to the idea of De... and I know him better then I did before. Therefore I knew quite well that if anything were going to happen between us, I would have to be the one to initiate contact. Hostess girls have come and gone, and every time he's had a thing for them he's always had to address the issue indirectly. Either through other people, or with sheltered contact.. like text messages. In the beginning, if he likes a girl.. he can barely look at her. When it comes to girls, he's a total wuss. I, and everyone, knew this.. and as I turned to E and Ch from Blue Cactus as my female moral support, they kept reiterating that it was all up to me. C told me, too.. it was all up to me. Sometimes I hate it when it's all up to me.
I've found myself much more comfortable with human contact lately.. much more able to approach people, engage in conversation. So I decided to talk to him about it. I chose my moment wisely, made sure no one was around, approached with caution. He was hurriedly doing his closings, and had just approached the dumpster out back to rid some of the restaurant's massive trash cans of their contents. I came up to him, and so began the following:
"Hey De..."
"So, uh, should I be believing the rumors I've been hearing?"
~"Well I don't know, what have you been hearing?"

This exchange carried on as he rushed on with his trash duties and I ambled behind him.

"Oh.. just things, about how you've been talking about me."
~"And what have I been saying about you? That you're a witch?" (This sprouts from a little conflict he had with Ch about her Wiccan beliefs.)
"No, not that."
~"Well what then?"
"Well, CRAZY stuff.."

At this point I was leaned back against a cooler.. arms crossed, as he stood across from me with a roll of trash bags and four or five empty cans laid out between us.

".. like you talking about how you'd like to date me again."
There was a silence. Our eyes locked, and we stood there, connected and still in the dim light of the back parking light with one bright light off to the left and one to the right.
~"Well, yeah. I'd like to get to you know better. I don't think I gave you a fair chance before.. if you know what I mean. And I think you do."
At this point I've let out an exasperated laugh, and I nod.
"Okay. Well then. What do you plan on doing about this... 'wanting to get to know me better?"
He smiles.
~"Well we're gonna have to wait about a month."
I find this hilarious... just a few minutes before I had heard about his house arrest.
"Hahaha.. oh yeah?"
~"Yeah. Cuz, uh, I don't think I'm allowed to see anyone right now. My court date's on October 19th, and between now and then I don't know if I'll be able to work much.. or even be able to acknowledge you."
(How is it that every one of my boys has been or gotten in deep shit trouble? T with the drugs, A with the drugs, Ty with the drugs, now De.. with the drugs. I'm like an indirect drug addict.)
"Ah. Well... okay."
At this point C has giddily slipped by the door behind us and hidden in a cooler to listen to us. His sister has come stomping out towards us, asking where the hell C went. "In the damn cooler, where the hell else you think he went... prancing through the woods?" De tells her. I'm laughing. I begin walking away, tell him I have a ride coming and need to go.. "But uh, you let me know about that court date," I yell back at him.
~"Alright, I will."

Damn. Wouldn't it suck if the court date doesn't go well?
Anyway. So this is weird. I'm still not sure what to think about it. I'm taking the safe path, though, I'm not being naive or blatantly stupid... I'm not pouring myself into him. I don't know him very well. I've heard things, though. I've been warned. I'm not going into this expecting anything. I'm not taking this seriously. I'm going to take it calmly and indifferently until I have a good grasp on the situation. I have no idea what he'll want from me or what I'll be willing to offer, nor what he'll have to offer me. I don't know if this will turn into a problem, a fun affair, or nothing at all.
It is thoroughly fun to have a new factor in my life, though. I just keeps filling up. And it all comes down to the two words I've used for so many situations and possibilities...

We'll see.


Wednesday, September 28, 2005

I try to see it in reverse

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
So S and I got together last night and ended up getting way too creative with the camera. This shot was from early in the night... I'll be posting these for at least a few days in a row, so prepare yourself. After we went prancing around in the middle of the street, hugging lamp posts and balancing on fire hydrants.. I commented on how glad I was to have them, since I don't have many pictures of myself acting like a complete moron. Perhaps you'll see a different side of me.

Bricks tonight at 5:30 and I'm actually excited. I've missed working there.

I need to clean.


Tuesday, September 27, 2005

darning his socks in the night whent there's nobody there

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
I just experienced something profound and deeply fulfilling. No matter the simplicity, it's filled me to the brim with appreciation and love.
I was reading the Chuck Palahniuk book Lullaby on the porch when I decided to check the mail. When I leaned over to peer inside the mailbox, I saw a sliver of purple/pink among the white of bill envelopes and gaudy coupons. This sparked my interest, and I instantly assumed it was for me. I pulled it out and saw the fake name I use for Postcardx scrawled across the front, with my address beneath it. My spirits had already risen.. but it was nothing compared to the rush I felt when I studied the postage for a moment and saw "Israel Postal Authority" in tiny lettering on the side. I couldn't read anything else.. it was all in foriegn markings. ~Oh my god~ I was thinking ~I thought I'd never get a reply!~ I believe I sent this girl in Israel a bit of mail art in the form of a collage with a little note quite a long time ago. Besides this one I've sent some to Canada, Australia, Switzerland, France.. just trying to create some sort of connection to the places that are currently so out of reach. It's hard to comprehend the amount of time it takes to send snail mail now that we've been spoiled by the split second it takes with emails and IMs. Once I reached the porch I threw the rest of the mail to the side and sat down with my purple/pink envelope.. my heart was racing. I turned it over, and sure enough, there was the familiar name and confusing address. I got a whiff of some different scent and brought the envelope to my nose. It smelled unfamiliar but beautiful and for a split second I had the whistful thought.. ~Maybe that's what Israel smells like.~ It brought me a smile, and I became overwhelmed as I carefully opened the envelope and found a used bus pass, an awesome collage, and a little post-it note that says: "Hi *****, Greetings from Israel. Hope you like my little piece of mail-art + bus pass from far far away... -N"
I can't read anything on the bus pass besides the numbers. There are little boxes lining the right side that each have a little punched hole going through them. The center is a little rectangle of something metallic. The entire thing is different shades of blue and is about 3 by 1 1/2 inches. It smells like the envelope. The collage is partly laminated.. with magazine clippings and stickers used to decorate. I understand the theme she's relating. The back is covered in typed lettering I can't read. It smells like the Cool Springs Hot Topic store. The post-it is yellow, and the writing was done quickly with blue ink. It smells like the collage. A scent that reminds me of visiting neighbor's and friend's houses for the first time... the first thing I always notice is the specific smell their home carries... their scent.
I sat there, turning the bus pass over in my hands and studying the collage. I felt a wave of emotion come over me. This is exactly what I've been wanting to do for so long... connect with the world. This is just one girl in one country overseas.. but it means everything to me. Tears welled up in my eyes as I held the envelope to my chest and experienced the renewal of all my dreams. Travel, and experiencing other people and their cultures. This is just the tiniest little glimpse.. but it's the first real one I've had.


when I was just a little girl

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
I'm wearing blue eye shadow and a pin that says "I READ BANNED BOOKS." I am so cool.

The past two nights of work at Blue Cactus haven't been bad... just horrifically boring. I'm overwhelmingly happy I don't have to work there for the next week. I work every other day at Bricks. Bricks... my Bricks sweet Bricks. Walking in there after standing around at Blue Cactus is like coming home after a really bad, stressful vacation.
I do have the morning shift on Sunday, which I don't appreciate. I've had a fear of the morning shift since a few bad experiences when they first began giving them to me. I was so glad to pass on the responsibility to B. After awhile she grew to hate them as well, and passed them on to C. I believe her and J have been taking them back and forth.... so I have no idea why they've scheduled me for it. It's the kind of shift they only give to the hostesses they like and trust. Which is nice.. but.. since I'm here I'm quick to resign to the idea that they're starting to like me too much.

I've been posting about work way too often.

I've been experiencing this pulsing need to do some photography. It's been so long since I've taken a single damn picture.. and I'm ready to get creative. You know why I haven't been able to anything? I don't have any batteries.

I have to do 7 tests.. and I'm finding it severely difficult to convince myself to crack the books.
Last night I did one test... and I contemplated doing the rest but ended up baking cookies from scratch and watching the 80's movie Heathers on showtime instead.

It's banned books week, and since S is a librarian I'm hearing all about it. She let me have a bunch of lists she got from some gathering they had about it at the library... lists of the most challenges authors of the year... lists of websites that post banned books.. etc.
She wears the I READ BANNED BOOKS pin while she works at the circulation desk, and she described the reaction a particularly bitchy woman had to it. She asked about the pin and S explained why she wore it.. mentioning it's violation of our first amendment rights, to which the woman replied, quite cattily, something along the lines of: "Ah... so, despite the lack of appropriate moral content in them?"
That just pisses me off. Who is she to decide what is and isn't appropriate moral content? Alot of the books in question aren't approved of because of homosexual content and general sexual references. I don't understand the people that can't handle this and want to so adamently shelter their children and teenagers from it. I mean, honestly... are they so out of touch with reality that they can't accept the fact that gay people exist.. that they always have and always will? Are young people not aloud to be aware of the role sex plays in our everyday lives? What good can depriving someone of this exposure really do if each and every one of us will be faced with them at some point in our lives? Doing so could even make the future exposure even more difficult for the sheltered one to handle. Some of the other books pinpointed are for young women, and focus on the facts of their development during puberty. That is ridiculous. Why would anyone want to hide something educational like that? I mean.. that's taking us back to the victorian age, depriving women of the much needed knowledge of their bodies and how things work. Other books are disliked because of racism.. but those books are The Purple Heart, and Maya Angelou's biography.. Why the Caged Bird Sings.
I swear... some people are just downright ignorant.
I say if you don't like it, don't read it.. but don't dare attempt to violate anyone else's right to do so.


Sunday, September 25, 2005

it's there

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
Holy crap. A few moments ago Edi jumped up on my lap, looked at me all sweet, then extended one precious paw and lightly touched a key on keyboard. When I looked up, the entire post I had been working on for the past 20 minutes had vanished. I gasped and looked down at her... as she proceeded to give me a look that was easily interpreted as an evil smirk. "Edi!" I said, "You did that on purpose didn't you?" She proceeded to lightly jump off my lap and saunter away.
I knew it. This is just the beginning... using her cuteness to accomplish evil deeds.
God I love her.
She is SO my cat. >:)

Anyway. I believe before I was peacefully taken advantage of my the cat I was informing you of my worries about the day that lies ahead. I have to work at Blue Cactus at 5. I'm not thoroughly aware of all the things I need to do... or who all the waiters I'm working with are. I'm the only hostess tonight.. so that's a plus, but.. I don't know.. I'm just nervous. I do know one waitress.. a girl I've gone to school with since elementary school and who I'm not a particular fan of. I do have hope, though... there was a certain 'JT' on the schedule for tonight. Hmm... I wonder if he could be that new pretty, tall, lanky, long-haired boy who passed through Bricks last night in all his jeans and navy blue cactus shirt glory.
It's a conspiracy, I tell you. They keep hiring these gorgeous, young, funky-haired guys over there.
And at Bricks.. all but one of the male waiters is a dark brunette.


Saturday, September 24, 2005

hope somebody will save me this time

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
Saturday.. 11 AM... I'm opening my eyes to the red lines of radio clock numbers. There's somewhere I'm supposed to me right now.. at this exact moment.. oh yes, modeling class. Better book it. Thank god we're not allowed to wear makeup today.. I don't have a second to spare on eyeshadow.

Yeah I went. I'm actually glad I showed up 20 minutes late, since when I arrived there was a girl standing up on the runway holding a collage of all these different little swatches of color which represented blue-based or black-based or whatever. Once she finally stepped down I discovered she was the first one to be analyzed. For 20 minutes? Good lord... no wonder I could sense tension and boredom in the air when I walked in. Somewhere in the middle of that first consultation, the blond girl sitting next to me looked over to get my attention, then directed it down to her notecard on which she had written, "This class is B.S." I smiled at her, and then she added to it, "Nice lipstick," in mockery of the hot pink lipstick the woman who was doing the image consulting was wearing.
I went up third.. and wasn't disappointed by what she had to say. Apparently I'm doing well. My most complimenting colors were either blue or black based, I can't remember. She said I would look best in purple. When I gave her an awkward expression she asked, "Do you like purple?"
`"Eh, not really."
"What about pink?"
Everyone laughed a bit.
She said I had beautiful skin (I've been hearing alot about this since taking this class) and said the best way to compliment it was to keep my hair the color it is now... a 'charcoal brown' as she described it. I can't promise that will happen. When she asked if I had much color in my hair I had to think a bit and then said, "Not at the moment." I found it interesting, she said I could go very short or very long.. but didn't suggest anything in between.
She recommended black mascara and liner... no problem... and vibrant colors for the lips.. dark to medium plums and blue-reds. I like that idea. My foundation should be cool-ivory. I could have figured that one out myself. As far as my best fabrics.. I'm not really limited, but she recommended 'extremes.' Yeah.. I like that.
After each little consultation she basically labeled us.. only in a much more refined way then I'm used to. She described me as dramatic and sophisticated. Which was cool.. because that's usually what I go for.
She didn't really surprise me with anything.. and the whole experience didn't really influence me in any way. Well, besides that I'm considering buying a purple shirt for the hell of it.. but I'm not changing anything. Except my hair... I'm always changing my hair.
Right now I'm thinking black highlights and some kind of great cut, because this one sucks.
My sister has been mentioning this huge fashion and hair show that her salon is involved with, though, and they're looking for models who are willing to let the stylists do whatever they want. When I told her I was all for it she said something along the lines of ending up with pink hair. I said sure... I mean, I'll do anything to transform this mop of hair I've ended up with after that damn Talk of the Town experience. Yeah, it looked good. For a day.


I want a coin operated boy

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
Today was a day...
and that's all I have to say.

Not really.
I saw a matinee showing of Corpse Bride. It was just what I expected. I liked it.
Then I took my mother, sister, and aunt out to see STOMP. It. was. fucking. AWESOME. Even more amazing then I expected. Who knew a plunger could make such beautiful music? I really wasn't expecting that. They came after the sinks and dishes... which left plenty of water on the stage for them to use. Let's see what I can remember... they opened with brooms, used lighters... metal folding chairs... various buckets, cans (tin as well), containers... paper and plastic bags.. trash can lids.. straws.. those big plastic water jugs.. matchboxes.. wooden sticks.. some kind of foam piping.. newspapers.. every pot and pan you could think of.. wooden boxes.. they clapped their hands, snapped their fingers, stomped their feet and spread sand on the stage to slide on for a different sound.... I don't know, I'm sure there are things I'm forgetting. There was no dialouge besides grunts, screams, and laughter... and not a single traditional musical instrument.
To be honest I was a little nervous about it. I had this re-occuring fear that the show would be lame and unimpressive and I'd feel like I'd wasted our time and my money. But no... it was mind-blowing. I literally found myself on the brink of tears during the opening performance.. I was so overwhelmed by the pure, raw beauty of it. These people in STOMP are unbelievable. I mean... their talent... their rythem is awe-inspiring.. and their dance and movements. We were all shocked and fascinated by their abilities.. and surprised at just how hilarious the whole thing was. They really put on a fantastic show.
Also, it was a first for me.. I've never bought tickets for and taken people out to a show. I got us some really great seats. It felt good.
Everyone seemed to have a favorite performer. Mine wasn't the main guy.. but this other tall guy with long dark hair. He did an amazing job.. was freaking awesome.... and reminded me of S's brother.
Somewhere along the line I began thinking of the other people I wished I could share the experience with... S, and even more so T... considering his music obsession. Hell, he's a drummer... that's what they were doing if you think of it very basically... they were just doing it in a much more creative and captivating way.
I have to see it again someday.


Thursday, September 22, 2005

little boxes

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
Gotta love the conversation with my friend in her car today:
Her: I just have this core of anger built up inside of me.. and somehow I can't figure out where it's coming from.
Me: You need to move out and get laid... that's probably it right there.
Her: Yeah, well. I think one of those things would help alot.. but one of them would just make things way worse.
~A few seconds pass~
Me: I need to get laid.
Her: Yeah, you do.


Wednesday, September 21, 2005

you'll regret it

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
It's funny how I always think of him so fondly, but every time I talk to him or (as of today) read something he's written... it just INFURIATES me. What is it? Am I just severely disappointed in him? Can I not handle rejection? Do I feel left out or betrayed?
It became all he ever talked about... like suddenly he lost every other interest. As if all he had in his life was drugs. I can think of a few other topics he could have poured that infatuation into.
I wish I could let it go. I really do. For short times, I can... but really, isn't it just bound to come bombarding back into my life in some way or another? When it does.. I just can't ignore it... I can't be impartial... I can't not want to make several heads roll here and there. Why? Because!!! Because I loved him. Because he just completely FUCKED UP whether he will admit to himself or not. "Gamble everything for love," the quote by the unknown author says.... I did, and I lost...
I suppose I should feel happy that I don't know the person he's become. I'm lucky to be able to remember him as the kind, loving, selfless person that he was. What's left of him now? Not all that much, I'd expect.
I don't know what the fuck he thinks of me... if he even does at all. It's nice to find that all he has to say about me is that I have a shitty pipe. It's definitely a love/hate relationship on my part, though. I'll always love him... if he ever needs or wants anything from me I will be there for him. Yet that doesn't change the fact that I despise what he's done.

Last night I dreamed S was a vampire, and her best vampire friend was the man of my dreams. We hung out and things were cool... but everytime they tried to cross me over to their immortal state I freaked out.
S wasn't just a vampire.. but also some sort of witch. She made a voodoo doll and she and I used it to kill my mother. She slit it's little throat and I threw it into a fan. I didn't expect it to work... but then my mother never came home from work. My father sat around, worried, not knowing where she was. I was overwhelmed with guilt and disgust about what I had done. I was still in denial... "Maybe she's just running late?" She never came home. I ended up sobbing.
When I woke up I was relieved it had all just been a dream.

If only that could happen more often.


she got all dolled up for a suicide

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
I've consistently debated with myself over whether to post any of the creative writing I've done on the subject of T since our breakup. There are several little links on my desktop to quickly typed rants and paragraphs of bittersweet memoirs.... one or two scribbled poems lying around my bedroom.. and one letter to him in a journal somewhere. After finishing each, I've sat back and considered posting them. Every time I've either forgotten or swiftly decided against it.
Ask me how I feel about him now, and the truth is I don't really know. I've often tried to seriously ask myself.. if he came back what would you really do? Would you take him back with open arms or push him away? There's the.. 'what kind of moron would I be to let him slip away again?'.. and the 'yeah, like I would just give myself up after all the pain he put me through.' I always end up dismissing the topic with a hearty 'I do not know.' It's always easy to decide that it doesn't really matter how I feel anyway, so why bother thinking about him?
I actually didn't. Really. I didn't think about him for a really long time. It just hit me hard.. that moment of fear when I broke down and all I could think about was him. After such a long period of indifference, ignoring the idea of him.... denial.. it was a truly shocking experience to suddenly be dying just to hear his voice.
I have every one of our first emails, and a stack of conversations from the first few months of nightly IMing. Every once in a while I'll be moving things around in my bedroom and stumble on them... I'll sit there and skim through the pages. We used to constantly send each other our poetry. Poetry that I now realize.... really sucked. There's a rare gem here and there, but, let's be honest.... 90% of our stuff just sucks.
I don't think that was of much importance, though. I think the point wasn't to prove anything, or demonstrate our impeccable rhyming abilities, or sound deep... the point, was the connection it created between us. We were revealing words, lines, phrases, feelings, and ideas that we weren't revealing to many, if any, others.
Over time we wrote less, though. I do wonder but can't really know if our lack of interest in poems had any direct connection to a lack of interest in each other.. or if the moment we stopped writing was the moment our downfall began. It seems improbable, but you never know. What brought us together was dwindling, and I'm not sure if we found any other grounds to fill it.
I feel as if our relationship ended right when it was really getting started, though. For me, at least. After so long I was finally feeling as if we were growing into something more mature and legitimate. I think if we had managed to stay together we would have built a really strong, beautiful bond. I would think that, given time, we could have found that connection in something new.
Of course, a break is always the result of weakness. I find it weak that he wasn't willing to work for it anymore. Yet to be truthful, I was clearly the weaker counterpart. While with him, it took me a ridiculously long time to stop my continuously roaming eye... always thinking about other boys (rarely on a serious level, though). A real fuck up on my part was my complete transformation in several areas (the religious realm outstanding), which really threw our relationship through a loop.
It's difficult to focus on the one most obvious problem that developed between us. That problem being, that somewhere along the line I separated myself from the Jehovah's Witnesses. He was still a faithful follower.. and I CLEARLY was not. I admit (and I'm finding it hard to do so) it was thoroughly selfish of me to expect him to accept this and stay with me while he practiced the religion I knew so well. No dating/marraige/any close association outside of "the truth" as they call it. I became worldly, and therefore unacceptable in the world of the witnesses. Perhaps I simply hoped the love between us would override those limitations. I could be quick to say it didn't, but there are other complications.
That was a definite factor in the anger I experienced when discovering what T had become involved in right around the time of our break up. The break seemed based on the religion... and yet he was completely denying that religion in ways that it isn't my place to mention. So maybe that's why I don't jump to the religion reasoning when considering our downfall. I don't thoroughly believe it was based on that. I think it was used as an excuse in one way or another.

So, since I've completely lost myself in this tirade... I'll return to my original idea. The creative writing. Here's a tiny poem I wrote recently. Don't get used to this, though... me writing a poem is rare these days.


Every morning when I woke his face would come to mind,
A bitter recollection of a boy so frail and kind.
My sinking heart, deprived of what had kept it beating strong,
Remembering the boy who loved me once and hence was gone.


Tuesday, September 20, 2005

we'll pray that there's no god

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
Ahhh... 2 AM on Tuesday morning and I've just realized I completely forgot to do any tests this past weekend. Damn you sims 2 nightlife. DAMN YOU.

I work tomorrow at 5:30, alone again.
Thursday I work with B for the first time in weeks.
Friday I'm going to see STOMP.
I have 8 tests to do.
I've consumed 99 ounces of water today. That's 3 liters. I don't think I've ever peed so many times in one 15 hour period.
I have to call the Franklin Cinema tomorrow at some point.
I read Survivor, one of Chuck Palahniuk's books, a few days ago. I finished it in two nights. Now I'm working on Lullaby.
I can upgrade my permit to a license on March 13. That's way too far away.
My mother told my sister that the two of them should buy me the red fiestaware I want for my apartment.

my apartment...

I haven't spent any money since discovered I'm moving out sooner then I though. It hasn't made much difference though, because I haven't made any either.
Things are frustrating right now.

I spent the other night writing on my walls. Around and around... any lines from any song, poem, book, quote I could think of. That took my mind off things. I stopped when the marker dried out.
My room still wreaks of Sharpie.


Sunday, September 18, 2005

I'm waiting for you

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.

I'm in the back room of Bricks transferring the wet linens from the washer to the dryer. About halfway through this De comes strutting back there and leans over the computer. He is to my direct left and completely blocking the way out. ~Damnit. Damnit, Damnit~ I'm thinking, while a faint buzz runs through my bones. It's quiet, and as I continue with the linens and he clicks around on the computer, neither one of us says a word. I finish slowly, wondering if he'll leave before I have to say anything to him. He doesn't.
"Excuse me," I say dryly.
He looks directly in my eyes and gives me a little smirk. ~Damnit. Damnit. Damnit. I hate that smirk. That sexy little smirk. Damnit.~ I instantly return his expression with a wide, uncontrollably flirtatious smile. This always happens to me when confronted with a member of the male species whom I have a certain fondness for.. this huge smile.. and all De has to do is look at me the right way and I lose control of the facial muscles required to keep a straight face.
So his eyes lock with mine for a few good seconds, and then proceeds to look all around him with a confused expression on his face as if he doesn't understand why I can't pass.
"I need to get by," I tell him.
He looks back at me and asks, "Why?"
"Because I don't feel like standing here all night," I say.
"Why not?" he asks.
"Because I'm tired," I say.
He replies with something to dismiss my comment and doesn't move a muscle. I'm balancing the bin of linens on the back of an office chair that stands between us, so I lean over it and rest my head as I wait. I happen to be the only hostess working tonight, so I truthfully don't have time to waste standing around in the back room. After several seconds I straighten up and let out an impatient breath. He's exaggerated his leaning stance to be sure he's blocking the entire passageway... his forearms rested on the desk and his ass pressed back against a box on the shelves behind us... he begins to bump around to some unknown beat in his head. I look at the computer screen, and assume he's looking up football scores since he and every other guy working there is involved in fantasy football.
I'm standing still, looking right at him as he basically ignores me.. and begin to lose myself in thought. I realize how often I've thought of being alone with him in this back room.. how many different things I've thought of to say to him.. how many times I've fantasized about attacking or being attacked by him..... one of us pressed up against those shelves as the other expresses every previously repressed desire. For a moment I consider going ahead and asking him if he ever wishes our date had gone better... a very brief moment.
"What are you doing?" I ask for the sake of conversation.
He continues to bump around, looks at me for a second, then says, "Humping this box."
I'm not much amused, and don't say anything. So he stands up and makes his way out to the kitchen with me trailing him.

An hour or so later I've been watering plants around the restaurant and proceed to make my way to the back of the kitchen to return the pitcher I used. I manuever around all the appliances and people, put the pitcher back on the dish hole shelves, and turn around to see De scooping some type of soup out into a trash can. I head towards him and as I do he begins moaning and breathing hard.
"Ooohhh. Oh yeah. Ohhh.." he sighs loudly, "OOOHHH! Potato soup!!!! AAAHHH!"
He looks right at me and continues with this lusty charade... and I burst out laughing. I give him a look that clearly says, 'What the fuck?' Several little suggestive phrases pass through my mind... but I don't say a word. I make my way out of the kitchen, but can't stop smiling.
Of course I can't keep him out of my mind for the rest of the night. I remember being in the back room with him, and begin to think of all the things I could have done to surprise him. I picture myself leaning closer to him, whispering something, kissing him on the neck. Perhaps I could have put the bin of linens down and kicked them over to the doorway then manuevered around him in the most suggestive way possible. Yeah. Right.
He is definitely the most frustrating person in my life right now. I just cannot decide whether I have a huge crush on him, or hate his guts. I think it may be an odd and confusing mixture of both.

Besides that my night at work was great. It was my first night working alone, and I loved it. I really like being in complete control of everything. Also, I made over $20 in tips.
I finally took that application back to the Franklin Cinema yesterday... did I already tell you that? Well, I figure I'll call to follow up tomorrow.


Saturday, September 17, 2005

you'd look deep into my eyes like I was a supermodel

Okay.. so I just got home from my modeling class, which today was a nutrition seminar by some super smart nutritionist lady. I discovered I'm doing only 1 or 2 of the 7 vital practices for healthy living and longevity.
I'm so gonna die.

Now that I'm home I want to eat something, but I'm afraid... everything is so toxic.
When I move out and am only buying for one, I'm just gonna skip right on over to Wild Oats and stock up on the health. I mean.. even our makeup and soap is disgusting. They sell euthenized pets and roadkill to rendering plants that process and break them down into meal for pet and cattle foods, and tallow for soaps. Here is just one of the many sites about these plants:
So, if you go through the entire process, say your dog Fluffy is put to sleep and you let the vet take them... he gets sold to the rendering plant, churned up with all the other rotting animal carcasses, and little bits of him go into the food that cattle (which you, in turn, could eat) and pets are eating and his fat goes into soap. You could possibly end up washing with and eating your dear dead Fluffy. Not only that, but feeding him to your new puppy.
I recommend you bury the corpse yourself.

I don't know. Half of me really wants to clean myself out and start eating in natural ways... and half of me doesn't even want to hear about it. I mean, we're seriously all just killing ourselves with all the crap we eat on a regular basis. We're complete morons.


Friday, September 16, 2005

then the sudden smell of burning flesh

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
I wrote this post yesterday before my internet tanked:
"I didn't update yesterday because from the moment I arrived home I was consumed in the wonder that is The Sims 2 Nightlife, and grasshopper cookies.
I plan on continuing this trend today, and enjoying the fact that I have no obligations for the next 24 hours or so.

So.. any new developments? Well.. I'm very close to getting a job at the Franklin Cinema. Besides some old lady gardening place, it's the only place hiring in Downtown Franklin.. so I didn't have much of a choice.
Besides that, I'm discovering that I really, really, really....... really, love driving. Not just because of the idea that I can get myself where I need to be, but just the act of driving... working the pedals and the blinkers, turning corners, changing lanes, bumping around in my seat to whatever nifty song comes on 91.1, slowing down.... speeding up. I like all of this much better then I did in the truck my father initially had in mind for me to drive. My mother's car, a grand marquis, is so much smoother and more comfortable.
Last but not least, I discovered yesterday while working that De and I just simply cannot interact without hazardous results. From me carrying a bag of linens through the kitchen and nearly pummeling him with it, to him being difficult while I was trying to go back through and me smacking his ass causing our heads to collide when he jumped back, to the moment I was trying to leave and he whirled around me therefore kicking my purse out of my hand. Thank god our first date didn't work out... can you imagine us trying to get closer to each other in some way and poking each other's eyes out? Every date would end with cut and bruises... and if we survived for awhile, the sex... my god, one of us would end up dicapitated.

Shit... it's storming like hell and the power is flickering.

Parting is such sweet sorrow.......


So my plans didn't work out.. I ended up having to work last night as a replacement for B. She was "sick". I'm looking forward to my next paycheck, though. My shifts have risen from 3 to 5 nights a week.
I'm slowly but surely realizing that I'm about ready to start dating someone again. I've been good on my own for a while now, but things are changing. It seems everyone I know is dumping or being dumbed by their current significant others at the moment. I'd really like to deny this trend, though, and get with someone. I may as well give myself the chance to be in a second serious relationship. I had T.. I'll never be over him... (hell, I STILL think of running to him for comfort when I'm freaking out about something)... and I've had a couple of those meaningless 2-3 week flings. I do not enjoy flings. I'm definitely more of a long term person. At least I think so.... I haven't been able to test that theory.
It's just frustrating for me to think about. I think I'm a bit of a sucker for love.. or, as of right now, the idea of it.
Anyway. I think I'll just try to continue with my habit of not worrying about it and see where that takes me.

I finally have a day off tomorrow. Maybe my mother won't be working so I can convince her to ride with me to the Franklin Cinema so I can finally return that application. I hate that I couldn't get back there on Wednesday.. I could tell the manager liked me.

I'm in thought overdrive right now.


Tuesday, September 13, 2005

how to love a car

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
My day began at about 9 AM, with the vaguely shaky nerves I had developed over having to take my permit test. Little did I know what level of a breakdown these little nerves would actually amount to. I spent about 2 hours studying the book last night... just reading over the few most important chapters.
As my mother and I sat in the waiting area at the DMV, I wrote the following:
"People have been asking me why I waited so long to get my permit, perplexed by the idea that I haven't been eager for it. I haven't been able to come up with a good reason... until now. I'm sitting in the DMV next to my mother... and over 20 unknown ugly people. I would give my right eye to be at home, wrapped up in a blanket, playing Sims right now.
I'm just thinking... 'so this is why life sucks. All the time you get to spend stuck in this shit hole, surrounded by bitchy black men, gay Mexicans, and your mother.
My number is C405.
I'm going to study the book now, because I am NOT doing this any more then I absolutely have to."
Once our number was called we went to counter 4 and began the process of document exchanging. Then came the visual test.. which we were worried about, considering that I can barely see out of my right eye.. my 'lazy' eye. We had asked an eye doctor about this before, who said it wouldn't be a problem if we just explained the situation. Sure enough, though, they gave us a paper that had to be filled out by an eye doctor and brought back. Luckily, she said if we made it back by 3:30 we wouldn't have to wait in line again.
So we made our way out to Cool Springs to see the doctor at Eyemasters. The same doctor who examined me two years ago was no longer there, so we had to set up an appointment with another one. She was much better then the previous one. The last time I went I was going to see about getting a contact for my right eye in order to improve my vision if possible. The other doctor said it was useless, that the muscles in my eye were far too developed to correct the vision and if I saw just fine the way things were we needn't bother. This doctor, however, actually suggested we get a contact for the eye, saying it could possibly still improve my vision, and if not at least give me better peripheral for driving.
So then began the long and traumatic experience of putting the contact in for the first time. By then I was already on edge from sitting and worrying about the test in the DMV for so long, the hot weather, not sleeping last night, and not eating before we left. All of this was piled on top of the mountain of concerns I've developed from getting those shifts a Blue Cactus and thinking about everything I need to in order to get my shit together and move out. So then I had to sit there and shove a lens into my eyeball. Apparently, it took me much longer then most, because the doctors began to get impatient. I kept blinking too soon, and my eyelashes were getting in the way. I was becoming extremely frustrated, and disappointed in myself for not excelling at this little task. Then, and here comes the horrifying part, the doctor asked to try to put it in herself. She tilted my head back, ripped open my eyelids as far as they would go, and tried to force the contact in there. I began to panic, and my body was reacting in strange ways out of shock. She did this jamming a foriegn object into my eye method a few times before I jerked away from her, saying I couldn't do it and that I was freaking out. I then burst into tears. She explained that I was just very sensitive in the reflex area, and that was why I was going into psycho mode when she attempted putting the contact in herself. After I calmed down I tried again myself, and *pop* in it went just fine.
This experience seriously scarred me. We left and I staggered around in a fit of aftershock. My mother wouldn't shut up talking about how glad she was we finally found a way to improve my vision. I kept asking her to please, just be quiet and give me a moment, but she couldn't shut her trap for more then a minute or two.
I did notice I'm seeing completely differently now, though. Things are definitely more pronounced, and it's very odd to have a more balanced view... both eyes get to see now.
Once we got in the car and on our way back to the DMV my vision began to blur a little bit since it apparently took my brain a little while to realize it had to adjust. My mother still wouldn't shut up, and I was shaking uncontrollably. I began to cry again, only not from the eye trauma.. I was crying over T. I know what you're thinking... what, where the hell does he come into this picture? Well, as the doctor was gouging out my pupils she kept saying I should try to take my mind off what was going on and try to take myself somewhere more comfortable. "Think about all the shopping you want to do when you leave here," she said. (What, I'm a young girl and have style so you instantly assume I'm a giggling little shopper freak?) When she said to go to a safe place, though, it reminded me of the night before when I was having a bout of depression from feeling so overwhelmed about the current state of things... I was laying there, and tried to find a place in my memory where I felt completely safe. The one and only place that came to mind? With T... in his arms. It upset me that that was the only place I could think of, considering that I have recently felt I was very much over him. Apparently not. Because last night I shed tears over it, and since this was the place I went to while being tortured.. it was on my mind. The thoughts took over, and as I should have been calming down I was crying for T.
Once we arrived back at the DMV we got back into things, and I took my vision test again. By this time my eyes were blurring alot, from all the changes in lighting and the tears, so I thought I'd fail it again. I was all red in the face still, and as we stood there I broke into tears again. The "bitchy black man" I referred to earlier was working with us, and upon seeing this he instantly softened. He gave me a paper towel, and I think probably gave me a break on the vision test, because I passed... and I actually just guessed what the letters might be.
Then I took the knowledge test. I went back behind the desks, and he gave me a test on paper, saying it would be easier on me in my upset state. Once my mother went to sit down and wait he started talking to me, asking what was wrong and saying I needed to be calm to take the test. "Was you're mom yelling at you or something for not passing the vision test?" he asked. What... the ... hell? "No," I said, "I'm just under a lot of stress and I've had a bad past couple of days." How could he ask a question like that? What kind of parent would yell at their son or daughter for failing a vision test? She's insensitive, but not viciously so. I was surprised he'd ask something like that. Perhaps he had a troubled childhood or something.
Anyway, I went through the test fairly quickly and felt confident about it. I went back to the front to wait, thought about calling T, decided against it, and just kept on a-waiting. After a few minutes I was called back, and..... ~drumroll~.... I passed. Not only that, but I didn't miss a single question. That brought on my first smile for the day. As we were waiting for him to finish the paperwork he began to talk to me again, saying I shouldn't let the kids at school get me down... assuming that may be the problem. I just smiled awkwardly and thought, "What kids at school? I'm homeschooled... so if I'm having trouble with the kids at school, then , uh... we're talking about some other serious issues."
So we waited some more, I had my picture taken and blah blah blah. I got the license and left. ~Take approximately one ton of worry of my shoulders.~
We went to eat at McCreary's, then headed back to the mall so the doctors could be sure I was able to get the contact out and put it back in on my own. Upon arriving I explained that this experience informed me of what my personal hell would be if I died and such a place existed... eternity spent with my head held back and that damn doctor shoving things in my eye. Anyway, they explained how to take the contact out and it didn't take me long to figure it out. I was concerned, though... "So now you're asking me to pinch my eyeball. Right."
After that we went to Petsmart and I bought my Edi a cute little spiked collar with an ID tag that looks like a little drawn cat medallion.
Now, finally, I am home. I discovered that I happen to be a pretty damn good driver... I drove my mother and I home, and around the block a few times. I didn't want to stop once I got comfortable.
The picture on my permit isn't too horrible. I look thoroughly pissed off, but not terribly ugly or anything.
This has turned out to be one of the best and worst days of my life all in one.

I cannot wait to get to sleep tonight.


Monday, September 12, 2005

you've got a reaction dead in you

Well I've just arrived home from my first night at Blue Cactus. Yes, I've actually accomplished something... and I'm overwhelmingly proud of myself for stepping up. Yesterday I wrote out a rough list of things I should do to work towards moving out. The first thing was to get shifts at Blue Cactus for a little extra income in that area.... and I actually went down to Bricks, approached and talked to bossman D, and got myself the extra job.

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.

Doing that made me feel capable of reaching some of my higher goals. I'll be working on the second thing on that list, getting my permit, tomorrow. Which means as soon as I'm off this computer I'm cracking down on studying the driver's handbook thing. Tomorrow night S is spending the night and Wednesday morning we're going to look around Downtown Franklin to see if any of those shops are still hiring. Even though I won't be able to drive myself to a daytime job yet, I can't wait until February when I can upgrade to a regular license to get one.. I need to start saving as much as I can as soon as possible. When I get another job I'll just have to figure out ways to get there.. I'll walk if I have to. If I find a job Wednesday, that will be accomplishing another thing on the list.

So anyway. As far as my night at Blue Cactus goes, it wasn't too bad at all. I'm very well prepared for things over there since they don't differ from Bricks too much. I was nervous at first, and went into Bricks to talk to hostess C and get some encouragement. Beans was there too, so he sat outside and had a cigarette with me before I had to work. I hadn't seen him in a while and was missing him like crazy, so that was nice. I get to work with him Wednesday night. :) A guy actually started work as a host over at Blue Cactus, so he and I were both training. Hostess E is really cool and nice, but not exactly the best at training. I basically just kept myself busy is whatever ways I could think of while she did her job. I got over the nerves really quickly, found myself already comfortable with the people there, and felt just fine. I got a nifty new Blue Cactus shirt too, which, surprisingly enough, fits me perfectly and looks cute. I can't remember the last time I wore jeans and a navy blue shirt, though. It's all... like... normal, and colorful, and shit.

I got off work about an hour early... realized I forgot to clock in since I was too busy teaching the new guy to do it... and went back to Bricks to order food and talk to my people. I came in through the back, said hi to the kitchen boys, and kitchen boy Da grabbed my arm to stop me and look at my shirt. "Blue Cactus? YOU TRAITOR!!" he screamed. I explained to him I'm just working at both restaurants now, but he wouldn't let up.

Bossman D asked me to work Thursday as well yesterday, but at the time he wasn't sure whether the new guy would show up or not. Since he did, and he's scheduled for Thursday, I don't need to come in. That kind of sucks.. I was hoping to get in a few good hours over there while I was actually on the clock, but it's cool. I'll find out how much I'll be working now on Friday when the new schedule is up.

Since hearing about moving out when I get my diploma, I've become completely wrapped up in school and work. Tomorrow after I go in the for the permit testing, I have a day off.. which now feels odd. I won't know what to do with myself. Maybe some school work? I usually just do tests on the weekends, but why not do some extra work.... get out of this dependent chapter of my life just that much sooner.

It is frightening to think about, though. Fairly soon it will suddenly be my financial responsibility to keep a roof over my head, food in my stomach... oh my god, I'll have to keep myself alive!!


Sunday, September 11, 2005

let's pretend we don't exist

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.

I got up at 11:30 AM, went to Off Broadway and Target... got some great new shoes for work, candles for my room, and random presents for S. Then I had Vietnamese with my mother. The one thing that stands out above all else in the conversation we had during lunch was this:
She told me that she would do everything she could to help me move out as soon as I get my high school diploma. Which means, I don't have to wait until I'm 18.
I'm thinking about doubling up the amount of school work I do now on the weekends so I can get this year finished up as quickly as possible. Then, the junior and senior years are combined... so I'll just have to plan well (unlike I did for this past year of school) and get it done ASAP.

Also, I'm getting my permit on Tuesday.. which means I should be driving on my own by February. As soon as I'm able to do that, I can get myself to a job during the day. Extra school work, extra responsibility, extra income... it seems I'll have a little extra life on my hands in the near future.
I also can't forget... quite a few of the Blue Cactus hostesses have quit, so I need to ask H or bossman D about getting some shifts over there. Right now at Bricks, with all our new hostesses, we each only work a maximum or three or four nights a week, which seriously cuts down the paychecks I've gotten used to. So... Blue Cactus shifts, and once I'm driving... a second job during the day. If I cut back on the amount of concert tickets I've been hoarding lately I should be able to save up a pretty good amount of money to take along with me when I'm out of here.

Oh hey.. and I can't forget about my modeling thing. I don't expect it to turn into a career or anything, but there's a chance I could get some jobs here and there... that would be helpful.

Whew... stuff to think about.


Saturday, September 10, 2005

shake it 'til the moon becomes the sun

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
I feel pretty good. Besides the hovering discomfort that comes along as a side effect of a completely sleepless night.... I'm good. I just arrived home from my first modeling class. All I can say is I am extremely glad I decided to take a chance and see what the classes were about. After some quick orientation type stuff, N, the owner of the agency, got straight to the point and had us standing in the basic model pose for photos. Then we learned how to hold the body and walk.. and she had each of us walk the runway in the classroom. It was cool. She had a CD with this great music to walk to, and we all seemed to have a pretty good time. I'm surprised at the diversity among us. Besides your basic skinny teen and twenty something girls, there is one plus size, a couple women in their forties, and 2 teen guys (both 16.... :D). I think the youngest girl is 13, the oldest 46 or something. It was all just very easygoing, calm, and friendly. N is a great teacher, personality.... person. Her son is one of the guys. Good genes. I must say.. the male models definitely have is easier. While the women have alot to consider... one knee, diagonal line to shoulder, lean back... besides the foot stance (front foot to direct front, either camera or runway, and back pointing towards either the 9 or the 3) the guys just have to stand and let the macho-ness take over.
Next week is a nutrition seminar. That should be interesting. The week after that is time with an image consultant. I'm not exactly looking forward to that. I have a premonition that she'll tell me things I don't want to hear... say, pink shirts and blond hair compliment my coloring. I can just see myself now... "Fuuuuuck that!"

Anyway. I left that class feeling very confident, and more poised. Apparently my shoulders are even, and I have 'such pretty skin.' I learned quite a bit, too.

I just treated myself to popcorn chicken and Nine Inch Nails tickets. It's my day off from the veganism.. and that show is gonna kick ass.


Friday, September 09, 2005

how many people cried?

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
Can somebody make my hair look like that?

Ah.. here I am on the first afternoon I haven't slept through in a very long time. I feel skinny and kinda pretty, creative, and fairly hopeful. I just finished my writing for S this week. I spent the last few days procrastinating, thinking I'd never be able to put the topic... "art, and what influences you in that realm"... into coherent words. I knew I had to, though, and once I began writing a couple hours ago, it all just flew out of me and hit the page like.... like..... like fucking madness. I suspected I might end up cutting corners, but I didn't... I think I've come up with something thorough... and I'm quite proud of it.
That modeling class begins tomorrow, and to be honest, when I was first reminded I instantly thought I didn't really want to do it. However, after this morning.. I'm in a position that does not allow escape. There was plenty of time bickering and blaming, all in a mess of misunderstanding over who agreed to what and why and how with the payments for the classes. After all that trouble.. hell, I am taking those classes. Once I had a teensy bit of time to consider, though, I came back to 'why the fuck not?'... 'what if one day when I'm old and ugly I look back at today and hate myself for not taking every oppurtunity to do something relatively worthwhile? I'll think of how I could have been something great but passed up the chance.'
I suppose in the end, after all the time, money, teetering down the mini runway, and posing for the camera.. it will come down to that modeling convention thing that you attend "by invitation only." There awaits all the international people who could hook you up with the best designers and magazines and shows.
Why do I feel like I don't give half a shit?
Sure it would be interesting to get involved in that, if any of this added up to anything at all.. but I never expect that kind of thing from life. I expect creative poverty, artistically run-down foriegn apartments, and cafe jobs.
Then again, it's all a dream anyway.. so what's the difference? Even if I do well and have a few extra bucks in my pocket.. I can get a shitty apartment in some obscure city in France if I damn well feel like it.


Wednesday, September 07, 2005

lights go out

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
About 10 minutes after arriving at work I went back through the kitchen to check linens. As I was making my way to the front, I noticed the walkway through the kitchen was actually clear for once.. so I hurried, trying to make it through without having to manuever around anyone or kindly ask them to let me pass. The very second I stepped through the kitchen's doorway my shoe grazed something extremely slippery and I instantly lost my footing. The floor suddenly felt like a fucking slip-n-slide. I simply could not regain my balance, and as I went tumbling forward I dropped all the linens, nearly smacked my head on the bar, and ended up on my knees in a cursing heap. If waiter D hadn't happened to have been sitting there at the end of the bar.. I could have done some serious damage to the head area. Luckily, he caught me by the arm so I didn't.
I was shocked, and spent a few seconds there on my knees.. wondering what the hell had just happened. Once I got myself up, told everyone I was fine, and got over my humiliation... it wasn't too big of a deal. I just wish bossman D had been there so he could have seen first-hand why the hell I never want to wear heels to work.
God damnit.


Tuesday, September 06, 2005

you're made of my sin

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
I ate a banana yesterday when I woke up. My sister was here, saw this, and proceeded to remind my mother of how banana was my favorite baby food flavor when I was a little one.
That kinda creeped me out... and kinda made me feel loved.
Later in the day I recounted the story of her forcing strawberries down my throat when I was 3 or 4 because I usually refused to eat them.

But anyway.
I didn't get out of bed until now because I couldn't think of a good reason to. This hasn't happened in a while. Everything just seemed pointless, though.
... so here we go again.

When I did get up, though, I looked in the mirror and noticed how my body has already changed since beginning my vegan thing. I realized that I actually FEEL thin, whereas before.. I knew I was thin but always felt a little pudgy.
With the yoga and running, I'm not just a waif.. I'm still strong.
I feel more in control of myself. On Sunday night my sister brought over cupcakes with cute little plastic rubber duckies on top. I wanted one SO bad... and they've been sitting on the kitchen counter taunting me for the last two days. I haven't touched them, though. Last night the family had a cookout and as I sat there surrounded by thick, juicy steaks and BBQ chicken, I stuck with my mushrooms and corn. I couldn't even eat the potatoes... because they had been cooked in butter. I didn't falter once, though, no matter how badly I wanted to. Self control!!! Oh yeah... and I had no idea I actually liked mushrooms before last night.

I'm battling with myself over whether I should try to switch back to sleeping during the night and functioning during the day. I keep thinking it would be nice to see daylight... but at the same time, being up during the day will severely increase the time I'm around my parents. That's what drove me to be nocturnal in the first place. Being up while they're in deep sleep really works for me. I don't know...

I have to work tomorrow and I'm glad. I need to be back there.. with something to do and other things to think about.


Monday, September 05, 2005

we're going down

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
Last night I dreamed about cheeseburgers and fettuccine alfredo. I'm eating a banana.
5 days to go.


Sunday, September 04, 2005

you can't always get what you need

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
Okay.. so tell me if this is not somewhat bizarre.
I'm standing in the men's bathroom at Bricks, having trouble with re-filling the soap. I'm right in the middle of this when J, the waiter from Blue Cactus that S and I wrote about before, walks in and asks if he can use the bathroom real quick. "Yeah, sure" I say simply, and stand there trying to finish with the soap as quickly as possible. He stands there for a few seconds, then says, "Or you could just stay in here.. that would be funny." I just laugh, finish up with the soap, and make my way out. I go up to the hostess stand and pass the time talking with the other hostess.. as he takes forever to finish.
I see him come out, and as I'm walking back he stops me and says, "You know, I think even married couples should be respectful enough to allow each other to use the bathroom in privacy." I'm thinking he's making some kind of odd joke, and I laugh a little. He then adds, "So I think it was only appropriate that you left." He's looking at me in a deadly serious way. I get nervous, let out a desperate laugh and say, "Sure, no problem." At first I take this as a lame joke, but begin to realize that he was being completely serious. I'm embarassed, offended.. and slightly ashamed. Did he seriously think I intended to stay there and watch him piss or something? Good god.. I was just trying to get my little job done instead of leaving it there in a mess. I find myself in disbelief.... wondering if he would really expect something as disrespectful as that from me.
I tell this little story to the other hostess when I finish with the bathrooms. She finds it hilarious. I, however, am only laughing out of desperation. "I'm just shocked that he would act that way.. he always came off as so down to earth, and patient," I tell her. She suggests that he could have been kidding around. I tell her I don't think so.. I've talked to him alot, and his sense of humor was never that dry. "You know," I say, "It is really hard to embarass me. I usually don't care enough... but my god, I'm mortified!"


Saturday, September 03, 2005


Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
I think I may have posted this picture before. I can't remember anymore.

So, last night I randomly decided to go Vegan. I'm not sure if I'll survive this way, considering the few fruits and vegetables I've actually consumed in my lifetime.. so I'm giving it a week's trial run. Tonight I had almonds and a salad of lettuce, carrots, and cabbage for dinner. I'm feeling... off.

I may have a date on Monday. A blind date. B's boyfriend works at a paintball place.. and is apparently in some sort of thing where they have tournaments and such. I obviously know very little about it... but what I do know is that he has quite a few male friends because of this. When B told me about it, I joked that she should get her boyfriend to set me up with one of his friends. Funny thing is... she actually told him about it. She described me to him, told him what kind of guys I like... and what's even funnier is that he actually told a ton of his friends... and what makes this flat out hilarious is that he told B that he's now got a hell of alot of guys who are interested... and what has me in stitches is that he wants a picture of me to show them. Dear god what have I gotten myself into. I've gone from nothing to an entire team of paintballers to deal with.
So since Monday is Labor day and none of us have anything to do.. we'll probably hang out and dear B's boyfriend will bring along a friend of his for me.
This could get interesting.
Oh, but of course I went an fucked things up. One of B's ex boyfriends.. who was her first real boyfriend and who she's never really gotten over.. happened to be hanging out around Bricks and came in. I hadn't seen him in months, so we all said a hello and talked a bit. Then he left, and I looked straight at B and said, "B... YOU ARE INSANE. That boy looks DAMN good. What the hell were you thinking passing up that last chance with him?!" A month or two ago they had talked about getting back together before she went and hooked up with this current boyfriend of hers. With that said.. she instantly spilled her guts about her feelings for him. So she freaked out and had to drain me of advice about what to do. She said the way I felt about T... was how she felt about her ex. HA. If that's true then she sure as hell wouldn't be wasting any of her time with the current boy..... but she claims she thinks she loves the ex. I told her if she really loved him she would know. After all this thoughtless banter with her I realized... god damnit, what if she breaks up with the current boy... now I've gone and fucked up my chance to meet one of his friends. That just happens to be what happened on that last date of mine with De.. her going and breaking it off with her guy the day before our double date. I know it's selfish.. but after focusing on her and her love life problems, I came back to mine.
Blah. We'll see what happens. I'm sure I'll survive either way.
I do wish she would call me, though.

Anyway. I've got more time to waste...


you're pretty when you're mine

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.

I worked, exchanged writing with S, watched The Anarchist's Cookbook, hooked up my camera to the TV and watched what random recordings I have so far, and, uhh... now I'm here... Desperately trying to recover from that whole, ~home video~ feeling. I think of myself differently after viewing from that other perspective. I realized that even in my purely happiest moments, I look miserable.


Friday, September 02, 2005

i'm useless, but not for long

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
I just donated money to the Red Cross for the victims of hurricane Katrina.
While filling in the info, I remembered the ten bucks I gave to a guy in Nashville who was a few dollars short of being able to tow his church's van.
That was.. maybe a month ago. Now that COULD have been a random well dressed homeless guy with a good story, but at least he put in the thought and effort to come up with something.
I'm just wondering... what the HELL is happening to me!? When did I become a caring person?

I finished my writing to send to S today. It would be sitting in the mailbox right now, but I'm out of stamps.. so hopefully she'll come into Bricks tomorrow so I can give it to her. I'm really proud of the finished product. I'm loving this.. finally writing again.

Anyway. I think I was supposed to do laundry the day before last, and I was supposed to do some cleaning yesterday... and I haven't done any of it. So since I have the entire night... and I won't be able to fall asleep until at least 6 AM... I'll get to work on that.
Oh, I FINALLY got back to studying french. I have no idea how long it's been. I thought I had those french cd lesson tracks on my computer.. but once I decided to use them they had disappeared. Luckily S was able to get the cd's for me pretty quick. I didn't forget anything from the first lesson. That makes me kinda happy.

"You don't expect anything.. so you're always pleasantly surprised."

"But don't you get it! Your dreams actually come true!"


bye for now