Monday, October 31, 2005

don't make up an elaborate story

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
It's Sunday, about an hour or so after I arrived, and I'm laying on the wooden studio floor with a photographer hovering above me. He's standing tall on a crate, making suggestions as I strain my neck, shoulders, and eyes to press myself into the position he wants and still manage to gaze straight into the camera with my sexiest look.
My hair is spiked around my face, and my makeup has been done very dark. I'm wearing a black tank top, jeans, and my favorite black high heels. There's a massive window to my left, pouring natural light onto me as I move. This wasn't exactly what I had expected, but I hadn't really allowed myself to expect. When it comes to this sort of thing, my assumptions tend to be way off. Yet here I am, gazing up at the photographer. I can see up his shirt as he leans over me, snapping photos, and the situation is beginning to turn me on. He's not particularly attractive, but he has a heavy sexual energy about him. I can feel his enthusiasm in waves as he strives to get that perfect shot. I begin searching for the thought to encourage the expression I'm trying to portray, and I begin to repeat the simple mantra, "I want you, I want you," as I stare. The first thing he told me was that I'm very mysterious, and I like him. It's as if we've inspired each other.
First, he had me straddling an orange wooden box. My legs spread wide, I leaned forward and had my hands clutching the corner of the box between my thighs. I remembered to stretch my front leg towards the camera to encourage the look of a long, slender body. I believe the modeling classes are a very good choice, because most of the things I'm using to pose well, I learned in those classes. I probably wouldn't be able to pull this off without them.
After I'm on my feet again, and I share a few words with the photographer, "that was fun," I head back to the dressing area to change into my red dress and get a hair and makeup change. I'm walking tall with a mischevious grin when I find S, and she and I begin snickering with each other. "Wow, that was strange," S said. "Oh, you saw that?" I asked her. "Yeah, all of it.. with you laying on the floor like that. For a second there I was wondering if he remembered that you're 16!" she said, and laughed.
Once I'm changed and back in the chair for makeup, I feel a good vibe. I have the lingering thought that I think I could do this for a living. Sure, maybe at this point I'm paying instead of getting paid, but I'm getting the feeling that this could turn into something for me.
The day began rather badly, packed with stress and highly strung nerves. I didn't get enough sleep, started my period (hence add felt bloated, irritable, and cursed), had digestive problems, couldn't work the flat iron, had to buy a dress, ended up with only 20 minutes to get to Nashville... among other things. Yet it all worked out. Things always seem to just work out for me eventually. Once those photos are in the books and sent off to all the agency's clients, I'm not quick to assume nothing will come of it.

Oh... and I'm off to NIN tonight. Now that my hair's all short and I have a flat iron and hair putty on my hands, I am SO doing my first mohawk.
Last night I became inspired and dragged S over to Publix to buy some hot red haircolor for her. I dyed her hair, put some Aveda hang straight in it, blow dried it, and straightened it with the flat iron my sister let me borrow for the photo shoot. S... looked... SO... HOT. It was mind blowing, and I was so proud of myself. If only the process hadn't taken a good three hours.. we could do it for her more often. I got a picture, so I'll post it tomorrow.


Saturday, October 29, 2005

to be only yours

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
Momentarily, I feel like a failure in every way possible. Not only did I fall short of having a social life... I couldn't even get my damn contact in this morning.
It's amazing how the universe tends to work against me. Instead of that party, I ended up hooking up with hostess C for some good old fashioned movie watching. We planned to get plastered on the 24 pack of Bud that we managed to illegally obtain, then stuff our faces with popcorn and laugh our asses off at the Family Guy DVD we rented. Instead, we each had one beer, a few handfuls of the (stale) popcorn, and were both asleep before we even got to a good giggle.
It was happening, though. In the beginning.. we had half the staff of Bricks and an entire high school football team on our guest list, not to the mention all of their friends. The number of little things gone wrong to prevent the partying is amazing.

A few people suggested we do something tonight instead, but I don't know if I'm feeling up for it. I mean, yeah... I DO have a shitload of beer that I can't possibly drink by myself, but, people? I don't like them anymore.
Again, I still don't know what to do about De. It truly seems as if I'm the only living person who is willing to believe there's something more to him than his asshole tendencies. I think I've glimpsed a human being... here and there... at moments. Yet upon reflection this morning, I came to the conclusion that I'm simply not going to put myself through this unless he gives me a damn good reason to. He hasn't yet. If he doesn't anytime soon, then I'm not investing any more time, energy, or complete frustration.

I must admit.. I'm feeling proud of myself for that. The fact that I'm willing to choose being single over letting another guy mess with my head... the fact that I'm not quick to settle with someone so problematic, and willing to wait for something better... the fact that I'm just not even close to desperate.......... is reassuring.
I feel as if I'm in control of the situation. That is a good feeling.

I need to make some personal decisions. It's funny how I can't tell if I'm making progress or running off track. I'm missing the person I used to be... the silent little thing that would never even dream of hosting a massive party. The old me might not even notice De, much less pursue a relationship. I invested time in much more interesting things, and lately those parts of my life that had built up to something are diminishing. I'm putting more thought into what I used to consider useless, pointless crap.

It's an odd place here. I know who I am.. I just have to decide on how to present myself. Not physically.. I've got that part down, but in terms of other outward appearances. If that makes any sense.
Thank god I haven't gotten to the point where I care what people think of me.


Thursday, October 27, 2005

I'm awake in the infinite cold

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
I arrived home from a brief outing with my sister about 20 minutes ago. I took her out to Bricks as a thank you for doing my hair. I finally like it.. FINALLY! After months of disgust, I have a cut that I like and can style on my own. It's even shorter now... hitting just below my ears, but it's razored out and is pretty choppy, so I like the ways it lays.

The past two days have been torture. I haven't worked, so I've been bored and directionless. I haven't known what to do with my time, and I found myself getting depressed. Luckily I'm back at work tomorrow night. I'm actually looking forward to it, and sort of hoping the mini party plans work out. I'm preparing for it, just in case. Preparing, means that as soon as I'm out of bed tomorrow I'm cleaning my room, putting blankets and pillows in the wash (for seating... the loveseat and living chair in the den aren't comfortable for several people to crush themselves onto), straightening up the important rooms of the house, and I'll be sure to have money and a Blockbuster card on me once I go off to work. I've decided that if anything is happening.. it will involve something relatively calm, like movie watching. If nothing happens, then all my efforts will be for nothing.. but I don't care. I'm not usually one for planning things out, but I do not want to end up with a busload of people at my house and find myself completely unprepared.

My sister and I always manage to find alot to talk about. It's an odd relationship we have. I wouldn't be quick to think of her as a close friend, but there's a natural level of trust there, so we discuss more with each other then we would with others. I suppose I should try to hang out with her more. As far as I know she's not exactly a social queen and therefore doesn't have many friends. (Much like me.) It couldn't hurt to spend more time with her.
It was pretty interesting. I wasn't aware that De was working tonight, which was part of the reason why I suggested we go there. Also.. I may not have shown up makeup-less and bra-less, in my pinstriped capris, black and purple striped stockings, and converse if I knew he would be there to see it all. Either way, when we walked in and sat at the bar I didn't pay any attention to the kitchen. After a few minutes, though, my sister asked, "Who's that guy in the kitchen who's been staring at you?"
- "What?"
"That guy... he's been staring at you since we sat down."
I didn't turn around to look.
-"Does he have brown hair... wearing pinstriped chef pants?" (Funny that I would know exactly what he's wearing without even looking.)
"Yeah. And a hat."
-"Haha... that's De."

I proceeded to inform her of the situation between us. After a bit of discussion (and her continuing to inform me that he KEPT LOOKING AT ME... :)) I complained about how I don't know what to think of it. I described how things went pretty well between us, but he won't really talk to me. She brought up a whole new point that I hadn't even considered. That being that he's young and immature. She told me that she thought it was just an immature thing, when they can't seem to talk to you. I hadn't realized that. Upon thinking about it, though, it made more sense. It's true... all the 20 somethings I've been involved with didn't have a problem with talking to me at all. Whereas T, who was only two years older, and De, who is my age... had/have alot of trouble pursuing conversations in person.

Anyway. The fact that he kept his eyes on me the entire time we were there was reassuring. I barely looked at him... half of the time because I wasn't drawn to do so... half the time because I was afraid to do so. I work with him tomorrow night, though. I've mentally prepared myself to be indifferent to however he decides to act towards me.

I'm glad to be feeling better about things. My journal entry from last night is fairly disturbing... I quote,"Strange how every time I consider suicide it's based on revenge or spite. That can't be right." And today was so empty and uneventful that I sulked around, feeling detached. But I'm back. Funny how a haircut, a little time with your sister, and a good staredown from your crush can just lift up your spirits.


Wednesday, October 26, 2005

treat me mean

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
A few moments ago I called my mother and shared this conversation:
Her: "Hello?"
Me: "Hey. Where are you?"
Her: "At Publix."
Me: "Good, can you pick me up a few rolls of duct tape?"
Her: "Cupcakes?"
Her: ~laughs~ "Oh.. duct tape."
Me: "Yeah."
Her: "Like the grey stuff... d-u-c-t tape?"
Me: "Yeah."
Her: "What do you need it for?"
Me: "Ummm. I can't really explain it."
Her: "I'm not getting it for you unless you tell me what it's for."
Me: "It's... um, I don't know how to explain it.. it's wierd."
Her: "Uh huh."
Me: "Will you just get it for me? Like a few rolls?"
Her: "Is it an art project?"
Me: "Uhhh... sure."
Her: ~laughs~ "Yeah, SURE."

In all honesty I need it because I while doing some sketches, I became inspired to make a dress for myself. I remembered an online tutorial for making a dress form to your exact measurements. It's done with a big t-shirt and duct tape.
What did she expect me to say?
"Well De's coming over later and my duct tape supply is running low, so I figured I should stock up and be prepared. He's strong, you know, so it takes quite a few strips to keep his ankles taped together and his arms anchored to the bed posts so I can take full advantage of him."


if there was a better way to go then it would find me

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
at Publix I bought a notebook with room for notes from three school subjects on college ruled paper. The cover is black. It was a dollar.
I also picked up a pad of 'linen finish' paper. There are four sections.. one is a mauve color, one is yellow, one is white, and one is grey. It was also a dollar.
My third purchase was a ballpoint pen. It was a $1.49.
I used the self checkout line. I always do.
I caught my old friend J's eye as I made my way out of the store. We grinned, he shook his head in disbelief. I laughed. He's awfully cute.
The sky was the most riveting, awe-inspiring mix of patterns and depths I have ever seen. I stared at it in admiration as I strutted to Bricks, breathing in the frail autumn air and welling up with a sense of this dark month.
I wore vibrant red lipstick to work. My hair was slicked up in a strip down the middle of my head with the sides pulled back tight in a faux mohawk.
I laughed with hostess C, talked to kitchen boy C, and exchanged suggestive comments about the dish hole with K. De and I ignored each other.
I spent my tip money on a kid's meal of chicken strips and potato chips. They're new to the menu.. and very good.
I lost the confidence to say anything to De before I left.
I scrawled out my journal entry on the first two pages of the black dollar notebook in my long, slanted handwriting. I wrote out my mind.. my frustration, my disapproval, my confusion.
I wrote a letter in response to a girl in England on the mauve linen finish paper. It's sitting in the mailbox.
I tried to convince myself to call De, and realized we're probably on exactly the same wavelength of fear and confusion.
I had a Tecate beer.
I watched Carrie for the first time. I only gasped in horror at the very end.


Monday, October 24, 2005

i'm an extraordinary machine

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
Seven things I plan to do before I die:
1. See as much of the world as I can.
2. Find the person to spend the rest of my life with.
3. Ride in a hot air balloon.
4. Make a documentary, of sorts.
5. Bungee jump.
6. Kiss a man with a pierced tongue.
7. Get a tattoo.
Seven things I can do:
1. Cook.
2. Anything artistic.
3. Model.
4. Save money.
5. Lie.
6. Sleep all day.
7. Anything I really set my mind to.
Seven things I cannot do:
1. Be witty when I want to be.
2. Read people.
3. Be a good influence.
4. Be comfortable around children.
5. Be one of those socially inviting people.
6. Bowl.
7. Keep things exactly the same.
Seven things I find attractive in a (wo)man:
1. Black hair.
2. The ability to be assertive.
3. Desire.
4. Creativity and originality.
5. An alternative lifestyle.
6. A waif-like appearance.
7. Depth and loyalty.
Seven things I say most often:
1. Um.
2. Like.
3. I don't know.
4. Shit.
5. What? Does that require... like... movement?
6. I'll drive.
7. Thank you.
Seven celebrity crushes:
1. Johnny Depp.
2. Ryan Gosling.
3. Angelina Jolie.
4. Jared Leto.
5. Charlize Theron
6. Kate Moss.
7. Christina Ricci.

Looking through old pictures yesterday, I realized just how much I miss my long hair. It kills me to look in the mirror and see all the brown and purple shortness. I've decided on what to do. Since the cut I have now is too hard for me to style, I'm going to get my sister to cut it short, much like girl's hair in the pic I posted September 9th. Then I'm going to play with the color a tiny bit more (I'll have to keep it dark brown for the photo shoot, but after that)... doing some blond until I'm completely annoyed by it... then red much like the Sept 9 pic. Then I'm just leaving it alone and letting it grow out. It'll take a couple years, but I want that length and health back.

So it's official... party at my house on Friday. I'm scared to death. B is in on it.. and I'm actually thinking I might let her take control. I really don't want the responsibility. I don't know if I'm really completely into it... I'd rather be invited then have to do all the inviting. I'd rather be a guest then a host. I really just want an oppurtunity to hang out with some people (De) without having to take control of the entertainment. We don't even have an alcohol provider.. what's the fun in that?

I swear I had something interesting to say... but I've been on the phone for the past hour or so and I've completely lost the train of thought that I had going.


Sunday, October 23, 2005


Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
That picture of me... it's just exactly how I feel at this moment.

I just arrived home after (another) night of partying. Luckily it didn't involve nakedness.. although I wouldn't have minded some nice young male body warmth beside me towards the end of the night. Somewhere along the line of my whole drug/alcohol induced haze, I got severely lonely. Somehow it stuck. I find myself thinking of De... suddenly really hoping he likes me. I know he's an ass... and my whole mental state was in a safe area, in which I wasn't attached and was prepared for him to drop me. It still wouldn't surprise me.. but I've just suddenly gotten to the point where I REALLY hope he doesn't. I've been so fine on my own.. and now, I just really want to be with someone.

I should get some food, and sleep... but I'm just so out of it. I didn't sleep yesterday after stumbling in the door somewhere around 6 AM, and I hadn't eaten since Friday afternoon. All I consumed Saturday was some popcorn chicken, then a few fries at Cafe Coco. That's where the party started. I wasn't sure if I could make it through the night.. being in such dire need of rest. I went, though, and S and I met the 'dream man' R. Then her librarian friend M (she's so fuckin' cool) met up with us. After a while she suggested we head back to her place for beer and such. I'm not sure what time I drifted off to sleep. It was late, though, and waking up today at 10 AM so S could get herself to work early wasn't so pleasent. I figure I could get more sleep now that I'm home. Instead I've started a load of laundry I've needed to do for months, and my stomach is continuously suggesting pancakes.


Saturday, October 22, 2005

take me out to the ball game

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.

Okay. So I sort of love and sort of hate these completely unexpected occurences involving social interaction, complicated piles of people, and much anticipated makeout sessions.
Do you even want to know?

On a completely random whim, last night while at work I decided to go bowling with the kitchen boys.. and convinced C to come with. Should I make this brief?
The bowling was boring.
Steak n Shake brought back memories.
The classic trick to tell the parents you're staying at each other's houses worked surprisingly well. (I've become such a damn good liar.)
De's house was interesting... he is a shitty host... but we discovered ways to entertain ourselves.
Strip Blackjack proved a really bad idea... I NEVER expected to end up completely naked with C.. well, ANYWHERE really, much less De's living room.
During 20 Questions (more like.. 4, but close enough) I discovered I was kitchen boy K's first choice for a fuck among the people at Bricks.
Making De jealous is totally the way to lure him in.
De and I sat on his roof... and actually had a conversation. It was actually INTERESTING, and had substance. I was so.... impressed, and relieved.
His kissing wasn't as good as I had hoped.. in fact I had to put every effort into NOT bursting out into laughter once or twice.... the tongue was just, SO, I don't know... invading? (gags a bit) It's funny how each and every person you kiss has a different style.
He smells... SO GOOD.
I'm not sure what to expect from him now.
Yet it's funny... how I made the decision about Friday being the deadline.. either something happens or I'm moving on. AND LOOK AT WHAT HAPPENED. It's always just.. so shocking.
And fun. Again... I've wanted this quite badly for so long. Suddenly, here I am, remembering how good it felt to be right up against him (and on top of him.. and beneath him.)
I can't determine if he actually likes me, or just wants to fuck me. I suppose time will tell. That is.. if anything else happens. Right afterwards I had the distinct feeling we wouldn't ever hang out again. Perhaps I'll be proved wrong.

It was just cool... and satisfying. It's really good to be wanted, you know?

Anyway. I haven't slept in a very, very long time. I haven't eaten in 24 hours, and my body is shaking uncontrollably. So, yeah, I'm going to get a little sleep in before I have to go to work and face all the people I was buck naked in front of.

I completely understand the idea that you shouldn't date people at work. They'll always be there the next day.


Wednesday, October 19, 2005

wash it at least every two weeks

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
So... I'm bored.

I finished my 'go fuck yourself' cross stitch, although I'm considering adding some extra color in the background. I'm not sure why.

S seems to be doing well with the 'dream guy' we met at the cafe... R. They've been exchanging emails, and he drove down to see us last weekend. Turns out he's coming again this Saturday. We must be REALLY interesting to him to be worth the 4 hours he has to drive to get here. I don't know.. maybe he likes S. That would be awesome. The two of them seem to do most of the talking.. while I keep my distance and add comments only when the conversation is dwindling. I hope he does like her. They seem alot alike. Although, so far.. he doesn't seem very intriguing to me. He's boring. I go for much more complex creatures with much more diversive conversation topics. That's the point, though... I'm not interested. He's all hers and I'm hoping hoping hoping it turns into something between them.
Of course, he could always just be interested in developing friendships. But I'm going to stick with the.. "he likes her!!" idea.

I'd love to go over there with De sometime.
... or would I?
I'd love to meet a guy over there sometime. Unfortunately, when I describe my dream man he always seems to develop into the male version of me. I don't know... I think that would be impossibly hard to find.

I don't know. Whatever. I'm just horny.


Tuesday, October 18, 2005

it's dare

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
All the shots I have of the show are too big to upload onto flickr, and look shitty when I shrink them. So, if you were at all interested.. sorry.

I worked tonight with C. I love working with her. Yet, I was so tired and hungry from not eating anything all day.. that I found myself in a horrible mood. My spirits were all right at first, but I quickly deflated. The fact that I'm getting thoroughly sick of dealing with this De situation didn't help, either. I need to find someone I'm REALLY interested in, physically and mentally.. who is equally entranced by me.. and who can actually speak to me and not turn a budding relationship into a totally awkward, nerve racking experience. I've decided that if something doesn't develop by Friday, the next night we work together, then I'm just going to move on. Perhaps I seem impulsive and impatient.. but really, I just don't enjoy wasting time. If I remember correctly, his court date is tomorrow. That should turn things around. Whether for better or worse.. I'll be glad of any change.
Of course.. I'm wishing him luck and hoping he doesn't end up behind bars.

Tonight C told me that I am a "very strange person." I told her that I was aware, and realized how much I embrace that fact. This was the exchange that led up to her saying so:
I was trying to find things to do during a slow point of the night, and grabbed a pile of menus off the end of the bar. As I was coming up to the hostess stand, a little scene went through my head and I randomly burst out laughing.
C: "What did I miss?"
Me: "Oh nothing, I just thought of something." (I'm still laughing.. and can't seem to stop.)
C: "Ohh.. kay."
(I'm still laughing.)
C: "What?"
Me: (Laughter) "No.. nothing. I'm sorry." (I lean on the podium, holding my stomach because I'm laughing so hard.) "I was carrying these menus up here, and as I came up I had this little scene go through my head.. where I just randomly took the menus and smacked you as hard as I could with them. It was just the reaction you would have that was so funny. You'd just be like.. 'What the hell!?'"
(C bursts out laughing as I act out the scene and lose myself in the hilarity of the images it conjures up in my head. We are now both laughing uncontrollably.)
Me: "It just.. I don't know where it came from. But I could just see you looking at me in shock and being like, 'What the fuck?'.. 'What the hell is your problem?!'"
(When I say.. ~what the hell is your problem~ it reminds me of a laughing attack I recently shared with S about me gnawing on the side of a cow. Don't even ask. But it just makes me laugh even harder.)
C: "You are strange. Really, you're just a really strange person."
Me: (laughs) "I know."
C: "I mean, you come up with these things that people might think of but never say.... and you actually say them. Like the thing about dancing through the kitchen with the linens. You're so strange."

We kept laughing for a while, until we had other work to do. I bussed tables, and couldn't seem to stop cracking up for an hour or so. That was great.

Anyway. I carved a pumpkin for the first time yesterday. S and I did a Jack Skellington head. I suppose I should put it on the porch or something, but I don't believe I've ever done that.
We also started som cross stitch projects. Don't even think we're domesticated 70 year olds or anything, check out our patterns...

K. Well, my life is boring. I have the next two days off and no clue about what the hell I'm going to do with my time.
I did notice today, however, that I'm getting into great shape doing yoga. From my runway photos I noticed my shoulder and upper arms could use a little thinning and tightening, but as I checked things out in the mirror.. I have better abs then I ever have before. That right there is a fantastic feeling.

I'm going to correct some history so I can get this fucking school year over with. Then...... cross stitch.
Yeah.. I'm so cool.


Monday, October 17, 2005

tomorrow comes today

"You were fantastic. You... you were the one in the dress, right? Oh my god, honey, you are going places. I'm proud to know I'll be able to say I saw you on the runway before you were famous." -Woman in audience

"You are amazing." -Gay guy offstage

"My friends just pulled me aside and told me that if you're not a pro model then you should be." -Fellow model

"I'm sure you've heard all about it, but I just wanted to tell you that you were amazing. You give us innocence, and yet you have this edge that makes us wonder... like there's something hidden in you." -Gay guy in audience

"Hey there... you were awesome. I want to tell you... and I'm being TOTALLY honest here... you were the most beautiful of the girls there." -Male model

"You did so well up there!" -Fellow model

"Honey, you were the star." -Owner of Bishop's salon

So... um. I guess I can model.
Turns out I was one of only a few other "professional" models there. I'm guessing the rest were just friends of the stylists or something. I lucked out and was put in a blue, black, and white striped Dolce & Gabbana dress, with fishnets and my witchy heels. My hair was black and purple, lifted high up on my head and spiked a bit on the sides. My sister did my makeup, using thick blue eyeliner and shadow with a bit of greenish shimmer and my Hot Topic eyelashes with green feathers on the ends. My lips were painted as pale as my face, my cheeks were heavily blushed with reddish brown. I looked pretty damn cool.
Funny how my horoscope for yesterday says, "Strut your leo stuff," because I totally did. I felt cool, although I was a little uncomfortable in that tiny little dress. The skirt was VERY short in places, and had only one sleeve on the left side while the other side just wrapped around under my arm. It was completely different from anything I'd ever wear. Somehow, though, when I got up on stage.. I just whipped out the attitude, put all I'd learned in modeling classes to good use, and awed myself and others. Apparently I've just got this natural talent and stage presence.
It was all very encouraging, and a good experience. I now know that I can handle hanging out for 6-8 hours waiting for the show to start, all the hair and makeup and clothes, the sudden nerves and pressure, the changes from slow to fast pace of everything. When it was all said and done and I felt so good about the job I had done.. plus got such rave reviews, it made me realize that I could actually do this for a living. I'm really glad to know I can handle the physical and mental demands.
We left at about 8:45 pm and had something to eat (the show was held in the Phoenix room at the Boundry). I was home by 9:30 or whereabouts, and I instantly crashed on the couch. Surprisingly, I was dead asleep within minutes.

My mother and aunt were in the audience (my mother would not shut up about my performance and the audience's reaction for a good hour or so) and my aunt got a few good shots of me on the runway. I'm hoping she'll send them to me so I can post one or two. Plus, I can use them for a portfolio.

I have to work at Blue Cactus tonight, but I've got some new jeans I can wear that I feel awfully sexy in. Plus, I might run into De once or twice.


Friday, October 14, 2005

this... waiting for my baby to maybe come around

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
I just arrived home from the mall. I had to drive my mother to and from there so she could get her eyes checked and have them dilated. I picked up a pair of jeans and a strapless bra for the fashion/hair show on Sunday.
God I hate the mall. Everything about it... from the people to the lighting.
I went into Hot Topic first, hoping to find some jeans with something unique about them, but I left empty handed. Then I slipped into Charlotte Russe, but didn't get a sliver of customer service, so I left. Then I went to Wetseal and tried on about 20 pairs. I got sizes from 3 to 7, since it's been so long since I've tried on pants. What dismay when I attempted slipping into the 3's and ending up realizing my ass is way wider then I remembered. I found myself wondering what the hell happened to my 00-1 days. Oh yes... I was 12. Now I have those hips I was always wondering about. (Took long enough for them to show up.)
I always hate walking into those preppy stores. I still avidly refuse to go anywhere near Aeropostale or Abercrombie, (gags), but even those smaller, less snooty stores like Wetseal still seem to cower over me in disapproval. I suppose it's just like Hot Topic, though. A prep walks in there and we all repine, wondering why the hell they think they belong there. A goth walks into Charlotte Russe and the preps get all confused.
I went to Hechts for the bra... and simply grabbed the first nude, strapless one I could find. I didn't feel like trying it on, so I didn't bother. When my mother suggested I do so I said what has become my favorite quote of the day, "Nah.. it'll fit. I know my boobs."
And yes.. it fits perfectly.


Thursday, October 13, 2005

the scar is a fleck on my porcelain skin

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
Here I am with my nutty buddy ice cream again. I scrounged up all the old tip money I could find in my bedroom to pick some up after work.
I think I'm becoming more comfortable at Blue Cactus now. So it's now not so much that I'm nervous while there... I just dislike it and find myself bored and unchallenged.
A ran into De a few times while checking linens. I like the way he looks at me now.
On Tuesday I was working with C, and De was in the kitchen. She and I were talking about him.. and I was telling her how I wasn't really sure about the situation....
Me: "I don't know, I just can't figure out why I like him. I'm always attracted to artsy.. gothic type guys, and he's not even close to that. I mean, who knows.. maybe he has some hidden talent for drawing or something, but I doubt it."
Her: ~laughs~ "YEAH, me too."
Me: "I guess I don't know him well enough to judge, but... I'm SKEPTICAL."
Her: ~she bursts out laughing then mimics my 'i'm skeptical'~
Me: "Even physically. I like tall/skinny/pale... and he's so not that." (He's not much taller then me, has nice muscle, and is very tan.)
Her: "Yeah, that's true."
Me: "Yeah. I don't know, I guess I don't really know if I like him. I mean, I just.. don't get it."
......5 minutes later......
C and I are talking about something else, and I turn around and see De walking up behind the bar. I watch him, and C eventually turns around to watch as well. He walks up, looks around, and grabs a sugar packet from one of the little containers on the bar, then turns around and walks back to the kitchen without looking in our direction.
Me: ~huge grin~ "Aww... he's SO CUTE!"
Her: "........... WHAT?"

Anyway. I wish I had something of substance to write about, but nothing much has happened. I'm all happy because I get to work at Bricks tomorrow night.

Ah, yes. While half awake in bed today I came up with an awesome art project. I'm going to decorate my bedroom door. I did have it covered with quotes, but I never completely finished it and ended up ripping them all off during some fit of emotion. I'm going to do it in stripes, alternating with a strip of collage and a strip of handwritten quotes. Sounds simple, but it will look sweet.

S and I got emails from the dream man we met at Cafe Coco last weekend. We'll be seeing him there on Friday or Saturday, and he's bringing a friend or two along. Oooh... maybe some more prettyness? This will get fun. I think she and I are going over there every night this weekend after I get off work. Yayness... I FUCKING LOVE that place.

I got a belated birthday card from my aunt today. She sent me $50. Since it isn't much I could have used it as she intended and bought mylself something. But no... it went straight into the bank.



lend me a dollar, Satan

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
Did you know that in a scientific study, only 13 out of 190 cultures questioned look at breasts as sexual body parts? The only reason we as Americans are so obsessed with and aroused by them is because we are taught to be. In numerous other cultures, they are regarded as no more then natural tools put to use during breastfeeding.
I learned that tonight while watching a documentary on Showtime about breasts, made by a woman who's mother died of breast cancer. I thought it was interesting.

I got some history grades back from corrected tests. If I follow through and correct some more I should be able to pass. Maybe only with a solid D, but that's good enough for me.

I called those apartment buildings today. The first was a nicer building, and I asked about studios to get the lowest price they had to offer. It was $739. That's expensive.. includes utilities and parking.. it's a 1920's building with wood flooring and an antique atmosphere. The woman I talked to described it as a "New York living feel". I figure I could come up with a third of that rent... the only problem I can see is that I'd only have roughly $20 left. Unless I get that day job I've been talking about.
Either way, the other building is smaller, and not as nice.. so I get the feeling the rent wouldn't be quite as much. I don't know, though, since no one answered the phone. I'll have to call tomorrow.

I have history tests to correct.

Oh yes.. but tonight I discovered the most amazing ice cream I've ever had. Pints of Purity's Nutty Buddy. Oh dear lord... perfect ice cream with nuts and sugar cone pieces plus globs of chocolate here and there. It's orgasmic.


Tuesday, October 11, 2005

I picked you out of a crowd

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
I'm in the middle of correcting the massive number of history tests I guessed on .. and therefore failed. I'm not sure if I'll be able to pass the class or not.

My hair is purple. I like the color... I HATE the cut. There's too much of it in my face.. and it looks too much like my mother's. If I don't like the changes the stylist makes for the show on Sunday, I'm going to have to chop it off.

I've been put in a strange and confusing mood. De worked with me tonight, and it was all weird between us. Then at one point me and the other hostess C were talking to E.. right there by the kitchen. De was playfully arguing with waitress A about something, and they ended up wrestling around. She was bent over, holding something away from him as he reached around her for it.. bent over and pressed up against her ass. I just stood there, watching and wondering how long they'd carry on. When I realized it would be a while I just went, "Ooohh-KAY time for closings," and turned around to act as if I didn't see a thing. My first reaction to their blatant flirting was not to be too bothered. It's been obvious they're attracted to each other. The problem is that he's 16 and she's in her 20's. Plus, she's seriously dating another guy who works in the kitchen.. Da. Nothing is too official between De and I, so I couldn't pull out the jealous, pissed off girlfriend card. Actually, I pride myself on the fact that I'm not one of those bitchy, assuming girls. The situation still phased me, though. I talked to C about it....
Me: "I just walked back there to get trash bags and they were still going at it. I wanted to say something like, 'Gee De you didn't tell me you had a girlfriend,' just to see the reaction they'd have. I didn't though, I'm a wuss."
Her: ~she laughs~ "Yeah, well I wouldn't have been quite so subtle about it."
Me: "Ah.. something more like, 'Gee De, you didn't tell me you were fucking A!."
Her: "Exactly."
From that whole incident on I didn't say much, De kept glancing at me differently.. looking slightly worried.
I just hate dating. He's confusing the hell out of me. He wouldn't have started this if he didn't like me.. but ever since that conversation he hasn't said anything or acted much like he's interested. I suppose I'm at fault as well... I haven't said a word. I don't know, I just find a couple things funny.
1. He did say he wouldn't be able to pay too much attention to me until after his court date. Yet, he can find the time to fool around with A.
2. Once Da had a new pizza girl help him in the kitchen, and A complained that the girl was standing too close to him. She was mad at him for flirting, when (as he explained to me, at least) that wasn't his intention with the girl at all. If she would react so jealously to something like that, what makes her think she can rub herself all over De without making Da or I upset?
Anyway... like I said, it's way too early to be the jealous girlfriend. This isn't a big deal. It's just that I like him enough to be bothered.
I can't get wrapped up in this. I must remain focused on more important things.

I'm calling a couple of apartment buildings over by Cafe Coco to get price ranges. I was going to do it yesterday, but I forgot. I was going to do it today, but I didn't have time. I WILL do it tomorrow. I will.


Monday, October 10, 2005

always on my mind

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
I woke up way too early today to take Edi in for a vet appointment. We recieved a postcard from them, saying that it was time for a check up and vaccinations. This wasn't a problem, considering that the postcard CLEARLY stated that the services were already paid for with the wellness plan we put Edi on when we got her... the wellness plan that completely wiped out my savings. Once my mother and I got there, however, we filled out a little form and everything... then the receptionist asked if we wanted to renew the wellness plan at that time. We said no, considering that we're both low on cash at the moment. Then she proceeded to ask how we wanted to pay for the services. .....Huh? She said in order to have the check up and vaccinations done we had to renew the plan for $191.00. If we didn't, the cost for the services that day would be $191.40. We explained that the card said the services were already paid for, but she protested. "So this postcard is very misleading, then," my mother said, irritated. The woman got defensive and stuck with her idea that.. I don't know, apparently we can't read? I quote from the card, "These services have been covered by your wellness plan." How can that be taken the wrong way?
Anyway. My mother and I took a moment to talk. We explained to each other that neither one of us have any extra money to spare on the check up for our perfectly healthy, indoor cat. She was pissed, and said she'd tell the woman to shove it up her ass. From my experience in customer service, though, I know how much it royally sucks when someone acts like that. So I suggested she not be a bitch and just kindly ask the women to cancel the appointment and take us off the plan. After all... if anyone should have been angry it was me. I was the one who spent my ENTIRE SAVINGS on that cat's first vet visit. I don't know... somehow I remained eerily calm.
So we came home, I slumped on the couch, my mother recounted the entire story to my father... then called someone else to complain to. I am now thoroughly sick of hearing about our experience. At least Edi got to go for a ride. She never gets out of the house.

I watched Ellen today. Matthew McConaughey was the guest on the show, and I sat there transfixed.. watching his movements and listening to his voice. So many things about him remind me of De. It's slightly creepy and disturbing.
Tom Cruise reminds me of him too... I think it's the hair.

Anyway. Time for that shower I didn't take last night.
My hair will be changed today at 2:30. I'm excited. Somehow everytime I think of it, I picture my hair really short and blonde. I can't figure out just how much that scares me. You know it will be totally different.


Sunday, October 09, 2005

a shame, you seemed an honest man

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
So last night I'm sitting at Cafe Coco with S. I'm sipping my beloved passion tazo tea, and she's saying something when I become completely distracted. A man has walked in the front door and is standing in line to get something. He's glancing at me, and I've frozen. I look back at S, and explain to her that I'm sorry for not listening, but I was distracted by the man of her dreams. She looks hopefully towards the line, and lets out an approving, "OOOhhh!" I laugh, look around, and tell her that after he orders, if he sits at the empty table next to us she has to talk to him. She nervously agrees. Low and behold, a few minutes later as we're discussing something, I look over and see him with a coffee cup in his hand. He's surveying the area, looking for a spot in the crowded room. "Here we go," I whisper to myself, and maybe S.. if she hears me. I catch his eye, smile, look at the table right next to us.. then right back at him, then look away and act as if I'm severely interested in whatever S has to say. Sure enough, he makes his way over and asks if the table next to us is open. I nod, and S says, "Yeah.. you're fine." (Nice double meaning there.)
He has dark, medium length, wavy hair.. a 5 o'clock shadow, and cute glasses. He's not super tall or super fit, but very attractive and well dressed in dark jeans and a collared navy blue shirt. The shirt has small white and yellow dots forming a simple pinstriped pattern.
A few minutes pass as he sits and sips his coffee, staring down at his Nashville Scene. I'm giddy.. and begin scribbling messages on my notebook for S.. "OMG! You HAVE to talk to him now!" I don't actually expect her to. Surprisingly enough, however, within a few minutes she looks over at him and asks what he's drinking. He explains that he had actually ordered chai but someone else picked up his drink, so he just took theirs.. some sort of white chocolate coffee concoction. This simple exchange becomes a three hour conversation between the three of us. Somewhere along the line I faked a phone call to duck out of the conversation and leave it one-on-one. S now has his email address, and I am thoroughly proud of her.. and myself. We may be seeing him next weekend.
We continued the trend set at our last visit there.. and ended up meeting three guys. Well.. four, if you count the drunk guy who ate our cake. (No double meaning there.)

Today I informed my mother of the hopes I have for an apartment over there, and she was surprisingly supportive and interested. I told her I'd take her over there to show her around the little community I've fallen in love with. She mentioned something about me getting inspired and ending up wanting to go to college, since it's in the middle of the whole Vanderbilt University area. Strange, how I had just begun thinking about that.

I finished the tests for the school year yesterday. Now I just have to finish a portrait to send in for the drawing course. I did about half of the lessons, but I quickly found I didn't really need them. I'm self taught in the whole drawing area.

Anyway. Yesterday was amazingly productive.. today has been wasted on sleep and TV.
I think I'll put on a skirt and some red lipstick, prance around the currently empty house for a while, work on that portrait, take a shower, and... collage something.


Saturday, October 08, 2005

saying that he loves me, that he's thinking of me

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
Ahh yes... totally forgot about the modeling class today. Fortunately (or un... depending on how you look at it) my dad remembered and woke me up at 10 till 11. I think my response to waking, remembering, and realizing the situation was a moan something like... "UUGGHGHGHNN!"
The two other late girls and I couldn't find the class when we got there. The guest teacher had taken all the students off somewhere in the factory and the receptionist had no idea where. One of the girls didn't seem to want to be there anyway, and kind of wandered off. Me and this girl M hooked up and started searching the halls in search of the class. Turns out she's pretty cool.. we had some interesting conversation. Plus I hadn't had a chance to see all the new development and shops they've put in there. So it wasn't so bad, and once we had been through every nook and cranny, trudged around outside, and decided to check back at the agency.. we found everyone sitting in the waiting area waiting for the classroom to empty out. They had just walked around for a while, and somehow we managed to miss them. I was relieved... I do not want to have to make up a class.
The model who was teaching the class was ridiculously gorgeous and teetering on the edges of friendly/completely full of herself. I'm learning and getting used to the fact that they (or, I wonder if I should say we) all are.
I cannot walk into that class without some guest teacher telling me I have the most beautiful, milky skin she's ever seen. It's so surprising. Encouraging also, as that's a must for beauty modeling. I suppose I owe something to T for that.. he always loved pale skin and encouraged sun avoidance. It's stuck with me.

Yet, this morning I had a realization. As I walked out into the cool autumn air (you can't even fathom how freaking ecstatic I am about the weather) I thought, ~Why the hell am I taking modeling classes? I could be taking art classes. Photography.. hell, sculpting... anything. I would get so much more out of that.~ I can't decide if I should drop this and move on to something I can really care about or not. I could be putting the money that goes into this to much better use.

I've made up my mind. I am finishing the tests for this year of school today. All I have left is history. That's it. Just a few tests. The only thing holding me back is motivation... I DESPISE history.. deeply and passionately. I'll suck it up and finish, though. The sooner, the better, the quicker I'm out of this house and away from these people.

While down around Cafe Coco and that whole Louise Avenue... State Street... West End area S and I walked around and found two cool looking apartment buildings with signs out front with numbers to call for info. I would do anything to live over there. I would be in heaven.. just a few steps away from all of my favorite people and places. It's like a little funky, artsy, slightly run down community... with some awesome, beautiful people. One of the buildings is right across the street from Cafe Coco.. so I would be within walking distance of the cafe AND all those incredible vintage shops I've fallen in love with. Oh, and to top it off... and I kid you not, there is a fucking Krispy Kreme place right there at the end of the street. I would just... just... DIE to live there.
My female parental unit had expressed hopes of me finding a place in Franklin. I honestly can't see that happening. The only cheap building I know of is behind Kroger. It's a disgusting area, not to mention memory-ridden for me. So I don't want to live there.. and any other places I know of are too expensive. I'd love to get out of this particular area anyway. So, if those apartments in Nashville aren't too over the top pricey (I can't really decide what to expect) then I'm definitely pushing for that.
It's a dream, really. But I've been told... "But don't you get it? YOUR dreams ACTUALLY COME TRUE!"

Anyway. School time.


Friday, October 07, 2005

see what you want to see

Wow. I don't think I've ever had such a horrible night at work that I've actually had to come home, hide, curl up into a ball, and weep.
Nor have I ever hated my boss so much.
Sometimes I wish I didn't give a shit. Then again, I know what one of those workers looks like.... and it's not a pretty sight.
Yet nor am I... I'm sure my eye makeup is smudged all over my face. I just haven't bothered to look in the mirror.

I went to Cafe Coco last night, from about 10 PM to 4 AM. It was awesome. I don't know... it seems like I can just walk in there and instantly feel so at home. S and I wrote, played cards, and met three pretty boys. The first was a cyclist who had never been out of Davidson County. He was Indian and had a long, forgettable name. He exclaimed, "You're not goth, you play UNO!" when I pulled the cards out of my bag at one point. After he left I looked at S and asked, "Do I really look goth right now?".. as I had no idea. The second was a waiter there, E, who we actually noticed the first time we went there. Apparently there is some sort of magnetic thing between he and I, as from the moment I walked in we continued to lock eyes and watch each other each and every time he passed. We hadn't actually talked until last night, when he overheard me saying I was homeschooled and he explained that he and the 6 kids in his family had all been homeschooled throughout all of their school years. I've never met someone whom I so quickly realized I could fall in love with. The third was an Irish guy, A, with an attractive accent who was traveling the world and decided he might as well come to America. He sat down with us and showed me magic tricks, one of which perplexed S and I. He had been to Spain, France, and Crete, to name a few. He was a host at a club in Crete, and was paid 5 euros an hour. He went from vaguely creepy at first, to someone I totally admired.

I can't even exert any more effort.
It's so a movie night.


Thursday, October 06, 2005

and you don't seem to understand

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
I have once again woken up to the fact that I AM SO FUCKED UP.
I really need to admit to myself that I am a SLAVE to the idea that some of us want things simply because we cannot have them.
Like De. I walked into Bricks today, stole a glance into the kitchen, saw him there, and had the instantaneous thought, "Oh my god.... why do I like him?" In that moment, I couldn't see one damn good reason to. As the night progressed, I realized that this little situation has managed to do nothing but ruin the homey feeling that that restaurant had developed for me. Now I'm uncomfortable there. Now I'm always thinking about how he's back there... quite likely looking at me... quite likely talking about me... and yet consistently renewing his standing in my view as a WUSS when I turn around and he can barely even look in my direction.
But you see... for so long I wanted a piece of him, and now that I have it I don't really care for it.
Sure, this was our first encounter after our little conversation.. it was gauranteed to be awkward.. but I had faith in him to AT LEAST say hi. He failed to do so. I believe if he had done so it would have given him an advantage, somewhat of a control in the relationship.. which is why I didn't initiate contact. I do not want control of this.
Why not? I don't know.
But I've decided not to care.
Caring just destroys me.

I'm just unhappy in general at the moment. I have too much work, too many worries, and too little of a grasp on who I am right now. One second something seems creative and at home.. the next I see it as ridiculous and out of place.
I wish I could return to a place where I didn't worry about making mistakes. Where so little mattered. I wish I could get alot of things over with. I wish I could relax.
I wish I could makeout with someone... .RIGHT. NOW.
I wish I still had De's number.
I wish he and I were friends.
I wish I was somewhere else right now.
I wish I was wearing comfortable clothes.
I wish I could cry.


Tuesday, October 04, 2005

daft punk is playing at my house

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
Nothing happened today, and I don't really feel like writing.
I do believe I've eaten too much in the past couple of hours, but besides that all is mellow.
It's just anxiety... my eyebrow has been twitching like crazy.


bones sinking like stones

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.

"I'm standing in Blue Cactus right now, so entirely bored out of my mind that I've resorted to beginning tonight's post ahead of time. I don't believe I've ever done this before. It's been an awfully long time since I've written in crayon, as well. I hate crayon, but for the life of me I cannot find a single god damn pen in this place. I hate this place. Quite passionately. Bossman D interviewed a girl today for a hostess position. She's a friend of hostess C's. We won't be seeing much of her at Bricks (thank god.. I'm not up for a new girl right now) because she's starting over here. Unfortunately, I found myself surveying her, wondering if De would flirt with her. I can already see this becoming a problem. We aren't even officially dating yet and I've already got my eye on the new girls. Well, then again, I did that before when there wasn't much between us at all. I don't know... I think I'm only the jealous type if I have a really good reason to be."
... and then I was out of paper.

Instead of accomplishing any previously set goals today, I found myself continually losing myself in creative binges. 'Organizing your closet' takes on an entirely new meaning when I take on the task. So far today, I've altered 3 shirts and one skirt... taking them from uncomfortable and boring to perfectly tailored and beautiful.
I'm sitting here in a long black peasent skirt my mother bought me a short while ago at Chicos..... thoroughly proud of myself for the fantastic alteration I've done. The skirt was just a few inches too short for me.. awkwardly hanging above my ankles and hitting every pair of shoes I own at just the wrong spot. So, while considering ways to lengthen it.. a little reminder popped up in my head of this gorgeous peace of striped fabric I had come across while creating ren fest costumes a few months ago. I began rummaging through the fabric boxes in the attic... luckily finding it in the bottom of the first box I opened. The skirt has wide strips of different types of black fabric... netting on the bottom, cotton above that, satin strips of ribbon above that, thick lace above that, and more cotton for the rest. I cut off the lace along with all the sections below it, and hand stitched a strip of that striped fabric in between it and the top cotton. It added almost 3 inches of length, and a perfect, unexpected dash of color. I'm going to wear this skirt all the time now.
It is SO satisfying to me to take a piece of clothing I like but can't seem to wear and make it into something I love and will wear all the time.
I had a couple short sleeved shirts that had a certain cut to the sleeves that was unflattering to my wide shoulders. The first, a green macrame type thing, I cut off just below the waste and sliced the sleeves so half sat of it sits in my shoulders and the other half falls down over my upper arms. It's so cute now. The other, a dark turqoise number, I turned into a tank top... totally wearable now.
Ah, and here's the best. The other day while vintage shopping in Nashville with S I picked up this precious little tee for $5... white with blue sleeves and a big blue and red flower on the chest. (I know.. doesn't sound like my style, but..) It wasn't intended to be a crop top, but it was a child's shirt.. so it fit my shoulders but stopped just above my waist and kind of flared out in an odd way. I cut out about 3 inches of fabric in a strip going down the back, cut that strip into smaller strips and tyed them together into one long string, hammered some eyelets into each side of the cut down the back, and strung the tied together strips through the eyelets to pull it together and create a corset-like stitching down the back. So from the front it's just a cute, tiny little tee... but then I turn around and *surprise.*
The skirt and the vintage tee took forever to do.. alot of handstitching and hammering.. but it's all completely worth it. I don't know why doing that kind of thing gives me such a thrill. Creating... ending up with something I know for a fact that no one else has. Somehow it manages to just make me feel so incredibly accomplished... worthwhile... artistic... beautiful... original... talented... capable... proud

While reading a poetry book the other day I came across a quote from a poet discussing a certain poem, and he mentioned how certain times of the year always prove to be his most creative seasons. I think it's the same for me. My most creative seasons are autumn and winter... while spring and summer just slow me down.


Sunday, October 02, 2005

there's doctors and there's lawyers and there's business executives and they get put in boxes and they all come out the same

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
I just counted 175 tracks on my music playlist. Does it seem probable that I'm growing sick of hearing the same songs over and over?
I listen to some wierd, random stuff.
Here are the first 10 songs that play on shuffle:
Cranberries - Empty
Dresden Dolls - Mrs. O
Postal Service - Angel Pumping Gas
Postal Service - Such Great Heights
Steriogram - Walkie Talkie Man
Eisley - Marvelous Things
Dresden Dolls - Girl Anachronism
Kings of Convenience - Lean on the Westhill
Vast - Thrown Away
Beatles - While My Guitar Gently Weeps

Work tonight was okay... surprising and hectic and boring. Our best, longest working waiter got fired.. B was unexpectedly called in to work with me.. and I managed to work the entire night without entering the kitchen once.
After a few moments of telling each other how much we've missed each other.. since B has been very sick and away from work lately.. we proceeded to update each other on our love lives. Lately I haven't had much to offer in return to her stories, but today I did. She described the situation with her current boy.. how he seems like just a makeout boyfriend.. how he asked for a blow job.. how when on the phone they sit in silence (YEAH I know how that feels.).. and a few other things here and there. I surprised her with my offerings:
Me: Well, guess who I'm dating again.
Her: ~gasp~ A?
Me: What? Uh.. no.
Her: ~smiles~ T?
Me: ~frowns~ No. (Like I'd be so calm if it were so.)
Her: Ty?
Me: No.
Her: ~bigger gasp~ J!?
Me: Ha.. no. (Unfortunately.)
I lift up the schedule and run my finger down the names, stopping at De's but not making the fact that I'm giving her this massive hint too obvious. She's confused.
Me: Hello? Starts with a D... right here on the schedule.
Her: ~Huge gasp~ What!? No way.
Me: ~Nods~ How bizarre is that?
Her: But... that's so weird.
Me: I know.
Her: He's an ass.
Me: I know.


will you please have some coffee with me?

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
I've discovered the wonders of Cafe Coco... and been re-inspired by the depths of vintage clothing stores.

Tonight at work our newer waiter A was working, and fucking everything up as usual. Da was in the kitchen window, in control of things. I was running food. As I stood there listening in waiter A came up to the window and asked if 'that chicken is done yet'. Da was sick of him at that point so he leaned out of the window and loudly informed A that, "Uh.. we cook with FIRE, not magic!"
I. could. not. stop. laughing.
We're talking.. convulsions.
De didn't work tonight. His shift of 6 nights a week have been cut down to 2 as a result of the whole house arrest thing. I can't decide if I'm fearing or looking forward to the next night we work together. He's pretty and funny and has that heart-wrenching smile and all, but... he scares and confuses me at the moment.
It's been and will continue to be a week or so of ... ~wha... wha.. he wants.. since when.. but wha.. WHY does he want me?!~

I have so many fucking tests to do right now. I'm dead tired after being out and about until 4 or 5 AM last night/this morning, and having to rip myself out of bed at 11 to get to modeling class. A class that royally sucked ass today.
Maybe I'll do one test tonight... and to the extra 14 tomorrow.
Or I could do yoga and drift peacefully off to sleep once I reach that whole.. nifty.. euphoric state.

Yep, 15 tests tomorrow it is.
I would love to challenge myself and see if that's even possible for me.
I will succeed.