Friday, December 30, 2005

my old friend the blues


joey7
Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
S stopped by last night with my Christmas present. It was NOT what I expected.. it was far more amazing. It turned out to be a multi-layered thing, with several different parts. I suppose it's best described in one of her notecards, which she made for each box explaining the meaning of whatever was inside. - "You, in my eyes, are multi-faceted, complicated, vibrant, creative human. I soon realized I probably could not find one item that spoke to me about how I see you. So I decided to find a plethora. Each box is a present to a different side of your personality that I love."
I suppose I'm fortunate to have made S's gift.. it was something I'm sure I put just as much effort into as she put into mine. I used one of those massive sketchbooks, and turned it into a scrapbook/photo album/memoir for us. She said it was one the best gifts she had ever gotten.

I really love every part of the gift she gave me. The first box was a couple things of black nail polish, false eyelashes, and adhesive for them... to represent the fact that I'm "a person who understands the power of a well-thought out personal image." The second was an alarm clock.. not the buzzing or beeping kind, but that kind that actually has little metal things on the top that ring. I said I wanted one of those... months and months ago... and it represents my "ability to see the beauty and charm in things other people would walk by." The third box had three things in it, an Xbox game.. Need for Speed Hot Pursuit 2 (representing my "unwavering determination"), a Noir Desir CD (my favorite french band.. the CD represents my "love of the interesting, odd, new, or unheard of"), and a sort of philosophy book called 'Astonish Yourself!'... this being a sort of combination of the other two, representing that I "can take the ordinary and through your will and interestingness, show it to me in a great new way." The next had a huge journal in it that I had spotted at the Green Hill's Davis Kidd book store... we're talking MASSIVE journal, with about 500 pages. I had looked at it and said, "Wow.. you could just write... and write... and write... and write..." This represents my "love of and ability in the arts." In the back of the journal was an envelope with a Cafe Coco gift card for $50, and a little card promising Bellydancing classes for us. Sweet, right?

How do you express appreciation for that? I mean... it's almost too much. But this CD is amazing, I can't wait to fill up my old journal so I can start on this one, and I'm interested in trying the eyelashes tonight.

I got a prom dress catalog in the mail today. Those things are hilarious.. but it made me think. B has been saying since she started school this year that I have to come to prom with her. In turn, I've been saying that I'll have to make a killer dress for it. Nothing generic, or expected, or normal.. something amazing. I have this idea for a tuxedo dress.
Hmm.. we'll see what comes of it.

Anyway. I work tonight, with B and De...
It will probably be busy.

joy

~A

Thursday, December 29, 2005

Is your man on the phone?


PIC00005
Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
Well, I've made an official decision. I AM NEVER MAKING OUT WITH DE AGAIN. He has of course decided to turn around and be an ignorant dick. Since this is completely immature and unnecessary, I've decided not to let it bother me, since it was half expected anyway. So no matter where things go from here.. no matter how friendly and flirty we end up getting again.. it's not going to happen. There's no need to stick my neck out for him again, since just like time and time again.. it'll just get sawed right off. I'm finally looking at myself and realizing that what my closest girlfriends have been telling me the entire time is true... I can do so much better. I just need to stop expecting the best from people, because half the time they're just not going to give it.

I've also decided to begin appreciating my bookworm friend S.. so we're starting a tiny book club. We're going this weekend to a book store to select our first book, preferably something from the philosophy section.

Last night turned into one of those mental breakdown nights. B called me, crying and whimpering about boys... which added to the slumped mood I already had going. Therefore, after her dilemma was solved.. I called S and began a 3 hour long evaluation of me, my problems, and what I can do to eliminate all the piles of mental shit that has culminated around me.
Nothing was really, solved, persay. I just got alot off my chest about my work, my sister, my love life, my self.

Death is more universal then life, for everyone dies.. but not everyone lives.

That's a quote that keeps roaming about through my mind. I've been sucked into this world of walking zombies.. just, empty bodies. I need to get out and find some real, vivid, living people.

~A

Tuesday, December 27, 2005

try to give in again


chris6
Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
I suppose there isn't much to say.
I haven't quite finished that dress yet, but I'm taking a break to start a new interesting project.
Work was okay tonight. Not very eventful... but B was working, so it wasn't completely boring. I feel slightly different being there after the Christmas party. Since my hookup with De was so openly discussed amongst people, I now walk through the kitchen and can think of nothing besides the fact that every guy working in there knows what happened. All props to De, though, each guy I talked to afterwards asked what happened, and when I asked them what De told them.. they said he wouldn't talk about it. I feel respected.

Hmm. I was planning on wasting some time playing Sims for a change of pace, but now my sister's home and I can't tell if she wants the room to herself or not.
We didn't end up going to the movie last night. We lost track of the time, and she decided 9:30 was too late. It was kind of funny, though. She wasn't into the movie, saying it was too late... but an hour or so later she went right ahead and went out for dessert with her future ex husband and didn't return home until after I went to bed at about 2 AM. That felt good.

New Year's Eve questions are popping up now, and I can't figure out what I want to do. I'm feeling like staying home to sulk and pour alcohol down my throat isn't what I want to do. De keeps popping into my head... maybe we could, uh, 'do' something as a celebration... if you catch my drift.
The only problem I can think of, is that I don't want it to end up being a one night stand. Since there's not much of a chance of a relationship, I'd at least like us to be fuck buddies.
Now.. how the hell do you approach someone with that proposition?
Oh man, I wouldn't want to end up getting myself all attached to him. I'm just asking for hell, aren't I?

Well, I think he works tomorrow. So does B, who has only just now decided to be okay with me having a thing for him.

Looking forward to it...

~A

Monday, December 26, 2005

What the hell is nog?


Wie-ein-einziger-Tag_2
Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
It feels more like midnight then 6 PM. It's been like that for the past few days, though.. and what an interesting few days it's been.

I spent Friday shopping with B, and managed to find suitable gifts for the 'rents. I could have done better, but I was low on time, money, and resources.
The work night proved to be uncomfortable with De, of course.. but I believe it was a breakthrough... we actually shared a conversation at one point instead of ignoring each other completely.
I ended up staying over at S's that night. Her mother is a christmas gift wrapping freak, so I had a plethora of of boxes, paper, ribbons, and bows to choose from for my gifts. S's brother A had come into town that night as well, so it was cool to hang out with both of them.
Saturday was pretty cool, as well. Towards the end of the night my mother was calling and wondering where I was on Christmas Eve, so I convinced S and her brother to come over to our house and hang out for a bit. We ended up having a really good time. Sister M was here as well, so we drank cosmos and beer, snacked on food from gift baskets, and played Clue, Rook, and that game where you stick the post-it notes on each other's foreheads and try to guess what you are by asking yes or no questions.
That was fun.
Christmas ended up being pretty cool. My gifts were one of those lighted magnified makeup mirrors from my dad, and a really nice dress form from my mom and sister. Everyone seemed happy, and satisfied with their things.
We spent the day hanging out and eating... alot.

Today I didn't get up until about 4 pm.. as sad and depraved as that seems. I was up until the wee morning hours working on a dress, though. A few hours after we opened gifts I had assembled my dress form and began designing with a great piece of deep red fabric that we had used to cover the stand of the Christmas tree. I now have a gorgeous dress coming along.. all I have left to do is cut and sew together an under layer skirt, cut and sew holes for the arms, and maybe add a few small finishing touches here and there. I'm really proud of it. It's like, I've always wondered what it's like for those people who actually know what they want to do with their lives. Now I know. It's something artistic, I can make a living from it, and I know I have this natural talent for it. I can't imagine what I'll be able to do once I have some real training from O'More.

I think my sister and I might go see a movie tonight. Maybe something like Fun With Dick and Jane. It would be really good and healthy for us to get out of this house. Hopefully that movie will be as lighthearted and funny as it seems... that's what we need. Nothing deep, or contemplative... nothing that might make us think about life. Reality is not the answer.. it is the only obstacle on the path to happiness.

~A

Friday, December 23, 2005

Because of you...


ly01f0010
Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
Yesterday before work I did things I wouldn't do under normal circumstances. I did a load of laundry to insure a cute outfit, and I groomed... alot. We're talking fully shaved legs.. and that is something I haven't had in a long while. Why the effort? To insure smooth sailing in the event of getting felt up.

We'll get to that in a moment.

The Bricks Christmas party was last night. There were people from each restaurant, including Blue Cactus and the Bricks in Nolensville. Despite a bit of tension over being in a social situation, things went better then I expected. The owners D and J gave out these really great black Bricks hoodies as employee gifts. D gave a little speech about the restaurants and employees, and it made me surprisingly proud to work there. My secret santa was waiter T, someone I didn't know well until last night when we ended up having a really interesting conversation. He gave me a mini lava lamp, which I didn't expect and I must say.. is pretty cool.
I ended up talking to more people than I expected to.

My mind wasn't only on the party, though. De was. He has been alot lately. I had a distinct feeling something would happen between he and I.. hence the shaving. We've been getting along great lately, and after his sex offers our friendly behaviour had escalated to flirtation. (Again.. this may prove to be an endless cycle.) Wednesday night we worked together, and this time when he mentioned the backseat of his jeep I let him know I had been thinking about it. That was the first step... the second step was yesterday before the party when I asked if he could give me a ride home. I'm pretty sure in his world, the words "ride home" translate into something more like "fuck me."
So although I hadn't made a final decision about sleeping with him, I was sending him distinct signals to suggest it, or at least something close to it. And he was picking up on those signals... loud and clear.

During the party there was minimal contact between De and I.. we kept to our own groups of people, only speaking once or twice and locking eyes from across the room.
After a while everyone was VERY tipsy.. including De, who decided to come on strong by pouncing on me as I was sitting alone in a booth. One second I was alone, fiddling with a 20 Question toy that waiter T had gotten from B as a gift, the next I was practically smothered by De. His arm around me, his face mere centimeters from mine, and his hands pulling my leg up over his under the table... it was sudden and surprising. I reacted by telling him he was so full of himself, had so many problems, and that he needed to leave me alone. I leaned away from him, only to have him pull me closer and lean into me. Waiter B, the picture snapper of the night, ran over and got a shot of us. Of course, if I REALLY wanted it to stop I could have stopped it. I could have shoved him away, and yelled to get some help from one of the many people there who would have protected me. Instead I just argued with him a bit until he convinced me to go outside with him for cigarettes. I suppose you can guess what that led to. Before long we were in his jeep with just about every young guy at the party in the parking lot laughing and running in to report the news to the rest of the Bricks staff.
He's a much better kisser then I remember him being.
No, we didn't have sex. We just got close to it. And we did alot of talking as well.
I'm not sure what will happen from now on. When we got to my house after the party and did a bit of goodbye kissing in the jeep, he said, "Next time I'll take your v-card." I didn't promise him anything.. but I don't know what this "next time" stuff is supposed to mean. I approached the situation with him fully expecting it to be (another) one time thing. He may switch gears on me and decide to want more this time.

I feel good right now. The time spent getting physical with De has left me relieved (to a certain extent), not sentimental or attached or in need of more. It was good to get a little of that out of my system.

I'm meeting B at the mall today for last minute Christmas shopping. It will be insane, I know, and I'm not looking forward to what I know will be a hectic shopping experience. I'm not even completely sure what I'm going to buy. It will be good to spend some time with B, though, and that's why I'm psyched about it.

C finally came in last night before the party. It was so good to see her, and we've made plans to get together next week. I'm so glad to be back in touch with her.

~A

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

you won't feel a thing at all


254
Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
I had my entire day planned. Get up at noon, begin laundry, take a shower, clean bedroom, go to work, watch rented movie.
And so far, none of it has worked. I didn't get up until 1, my mother already has loads of laundry in the washer and dryer, and my sister sprung for the shower at exactly the same moment I did. Technically, I could be in my room tackling the piles of mess in there.. but somehow I've found myself here, moping at the computer and wishing I lived alone.

~A

Monday, December 19, 2005

I believe I can see the future


subway_dsc00355
Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
Mmm.. Fruit Loops are such a great after-workout snack.
Hey.. health? Yeah, I'm working on it.

I've now officially named my car. Otzal Bleu. You can figure out how to pronounce that yourself.

Well, I've decided what to do with the next few years of my life. As soon as I start driving I'll get myself a day job to continue saving money while I finish school. Once I'm finished, depending on how much money I have in the bank.. I'm going to take some time to just work and save money. Somewhere along the line I'm going to try to get into O'More College of Design here in Franklin to study fashion design. Once I feel comfortable enough financially, I'll move out and begin living on my own.
Now that I've decided to go to college my mother's switched around and is trying to convince me to stay home while I'm in school. All I can say is FUCK THAT. I'm getting out of this house and on my own as soon as possible. I'm willing to face any challenges that presents.

Anyway. I don't really have anything to do, but I feel like I should find other ways to pass the time. Maybe I'll do laundry or clean my bedroom or something productive like that.

~A

Sunday, December 18, 2005

been in trouble with the law


PIC00014
Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
I can't get to the computer every day now that my sister's camped out in this room. I've been thrown off my routine, so now I rarely think about blogging.. and when I do, it feels odd. Its as if suddenly I have nothing to say.

I do have something to say, though. My sister's soon-to-be ex-husband is a fucking asshole. I've disliked him from the beginning, and now my intuition about him is being proven right with each passing day.
I think I've had this ability to sense the presence of a worthless man my entire life. Like my aunt's ex-husband V. I was around him from the day I was born to about the age of 5 or 6, and I never once said a single word to him. I had a chronic fear of him, and avoided him like the plague at family gatherings. Then he up and validated my hate for him by cheating on and leaving my aunt.
If only this sense of mine could kick in when I'm the one involved with some son-of-a-bitch.

For instance, could someone please tell me what psychological ailment is causing me to want De again? Why would I ever be moronic enough to allow myself to like him the way I do, and how could I possibly consider accepting his sex offers? He's just so fucking cute sometimes. He CAN be sweet, I swear. Fairly smart, funny... sexy.
At this point I'm just not sure if I'm ready for sex without a relationship. What I need is a boyfriend. That's something I'll have to go out and find. ? Can you say... lazy?

My cousin's college graduation party was last night. I got TOTALLY smashed, and ended up just sitting there.. feeling horny and locking eyes with random college boys.
Oh yeah... I also wore this great mini skirt I made from a pair of pants I never wore and some black ruffled fabric from a skirt that was too long. I'm so proud of it.. and it felt cool to wear a skirt shorter then anything I've worn in years. Speaking of sewing, though, I have a couple of pairs of pants I need to hem. I should get to that sometime today.
I need to wash my hair, too. I've worn it in a faux mohawk two nights in a row, and the hair gel is starting to build up.
eww

~A

Thursday, December 15, 2005

you can have everything


PIC00003
Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
There's Harry on the couch. My sister just finished knitting that sweater for him.

There's just too much to say. I've been informed by someone who's opinion matters to me (could be the only person on the planet I can say that about) that my posts tend to be long, hence requiring patience to read them. So although I have an entire book's worth of writing material swarming about.. I'm going to try to make this quick.

My grandmother's funeral was yesterday, and I did a fair amount of crying at the beginning. The place filled up with people that I hadn't seen in what felt like centuries, but I spent a fair amount of time conversing with T, which made me feel better. Once things were said and done, my spirits were just fine. I suppose it was relief.
Yes, T was there. The thought of him coming had crossed my mind, but I didn't dare expect it. Therefore his arrival was a bit of a shock, and my emotions did a double take.
Reflecting on it, I realized how odd it feels to still love someone you haven't seen, spoken to, or thought much about in 6 months.
The entire experience was really taxing for me. Seeing my grandmother being buried, being re-introduced to the witnesses, talking to T.... I'm surprised I survived.

After the long day I was surprised with an early Christmas present from my father. A car. It's perfect, besides the fact that it's manual. I HATE manual driving with a BURNING PASSION. But what can I do? It's a fucking car that my father traded his motorcycle for.. how the hell can I be ungrateful? I'll live through constant clutching and gear shifting.
Today when everyone was out of the house, I took the car for a very illegal test drive. It doesn't have a license plate and I'm not supposed to be driving alone for a few more months, but maybe that made the experience more fun. I just stayed on small roads. The worst part was passing a police car, but he didn't notice me.
I'll have to think of a name for my car... it's a black Nissan Sentra. I think.
I'll come up with something.

~A

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

Oh, but I may as well try and catch the wind


pic9_b
Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
Yesterday I was woken to the news that my grandmother had passed away. I've been expecting to hear the news for a long time now, so it doesn't hurt as much as it could. I'm not sad for her death, she's simply sleeping, I'm sad for those who loved her deeply and have to go on living without her. The hardest part of this experience so far was seeing my grandfather. I wept for him. He spent 60 years of his life loyally married to her, and now she's gone.

The funeral is tomorrow.

~A

Sunday, December 11, 2005

you sing to me


PIC00006
Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
Things have changed in bizarre ways. My sister is currently to my right, laying on the air mattress she just set up in our living room. She has quite literally moved back into this house. Her marraige is ending. All I can think to feel is pride.. I admire her for doing what she has to do for her own happiness and safety. I can't imagine the emotions she's experiencing, but I'm trying to do my best as a sister. I'm trying to be selfless, supportive, protective, and respectful all at once.
Her things are filling up the living room... she even brought her cat Harry, who's cooped up in here to separate him from our other animals. He seems happy though... I call him my gay nephew kitty. He likes men more then women and wears fruity knitted sweaters.

My grandmother is in intensive care in the hospital right now.
This family is in volatile conditions right now.

I went Christmas shopping for the first time yesterday. I spent way more then I expected, but got a killer gift for my sister and even found something for the Secret Santa at work.

A relationship is on my mind right now. I need a man.. physically and emotionally. Unfortunately I can't think of anyone I could pursue.
I need to go out again and meet some people.
There's De.. who made me fall for him all over again today when he sincerely thanked me for working for him last night. I'm socially challenged, though, and I drove him away by ignoring him every time he gave me his little "sup girl?" in passing. I don't mean to be a bitch.. I just don't know how the hell to respond to that. Plus things are just way too complicated with him. I think the best I can work for right now is a friendship. He's willing, if I can just break through my fucked up insecurities and talk to him.
There's also Jo.. with whom I've fallen into a pattern of email exchanges with. Poor guy is in a rut right now, though, and I can't decide how to approach him and our situation.

Anyway. I don't really have things to do, but I'm going to leave the living room area now.

~A

Thursday, December 08, 2005

shake it


tiger
Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
I'm home from work and moments away from decorating our pitiful plastic Christmas tree.
De is driving me mad, the email ball is now in Jo's court, and I have no idea what time I work tomorrow.

I shall close with my interesting conversation of the day:
De: So you know you're working on Saturday, right?
Me: Yeah.
De: You're an amazing person.
Me: .....Thanks. That's, um, really weird coming from you.

~A

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

above us only sky


untitled
Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
Here is one of the pictures R took of S and I at Cafe Coco. I really like this for some reason... perhaps because we look content.

Work tonight was eventful. B and I had a good time with each other. We were surprisingly busy... the first hour was completely dead, then we got hit by a storm of people.
At the end of the night, B was filling the kitchen's paper towel dispenser with me by her side for moral support. She was talking about K and De, saying she wasn't fond of them when she let it slip that a fellow hostess of ours likes K. Until that point we had been discussing things quietly, but upon hearing that I lost control of the volume of my voice and let out a loud, "SHE DOES NOT!" At that point the entire kitchen of guys turned and stared as C came forward and begged to know what had just transpired.
~Enter drama here~
It then became a confusing spat between me, B, and C about what was going on.. who liked who.. what who had said to who and why and how.
Long story short.. along the way B and C were talking and he somehow guessed that I like K as well. B has a bad way of reacting when someone guesses the truth about something. Her eyes widen, she closes her mouth tight so as to only let out small sounds, then she walks away. By that point, the person knows they guessed right.
The fact that I have a tiny (emphasize tiny) liking for K was very much under wraps... something that wasn't a big deal and wasn't to be acted upon any time soon. Now, however, with C's knowledge of the situation... it has become an issue.
He keeps telling me to go for it. I'm very reluctant. VERY reluctant. There are so many reasons why I shouldn't go for it, and why it will be horrendous if anyone else finds out about this.
You know they will. So perhaps I should just wait it out and be prepared for when the shit hits the fan.

I'm thinking I should talk to C on Thursday when we work together again. I need to know why he thinks I should go for it, and what he knows that I don't. I also need to find out if there's any type of deal between K and De about dating each other's ex's.

I just about lost my cool at one point, before any of that went down. It was before we got busy, and B randomly looked at me and asked if she could set me up. Her next sentence? "See there's this guy in one of my classes.. and he looks just like T!"
At the mention of his name I was doubled over, head on the silverware table, muffling my screams with linens as I asked her why she would ever bring him up. At that point waiter Ga was there, asking what had happened. I looked at B, "Why? Why would you ever say his name? Don't you understand?" She looked at me, feeling bad about her slip up. "That's right," I said, "You don't understand. You have never been in a situation like that!" She said that she thought that might be a good thing for her when I calmed a bit and added, "Well maybe not. They do say 'tis better to have loved and lost then never to have loved at all.'" Ga looked at me, "I HATE that!", he said." "Me too," I nodded in agreement. He added, "That's what everyones been saying to me lately," ...and we finished in unison, "and it's so not true!"

~A

Monday, December 05, 2005

the world you used to know


Jerry Uelsmann, Untitled, 1976
Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
I had this rush of energy today as I got home from Publix and Walgreens with bags of "Christmas crap", as I described the items to my mother. Finally.. something to do that doesn't involve electronics! I'm creating something for S as a gift.. something that will be artistic, personal, beautiful, and open ended. Sort of like a gift that keeps on giving, because she'll be able to use it for the rest of her life if she wants to.

It just feels really good to be putting some work into an art project again. It's been a while.

I'm happy to have the night off of work. Finally.

~A

Sunday, December 04, 2005

let it snow


oc05
Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
Last night was interesting.

Work was amazing... and afterwards I spent the night with S and our new friend R. I'm talking the entire night. We seem to have become comfortable with each other, and despite any lack of entertainment.. we just have fun.
He took some cool photos of us today... so finally, I'll have pics of S and I that we didn't take ourselves!

I've been thinking alot about gift giving. My list quickly filled up with 5 people to buy for.. then suddenly there was a 6th when I was included in the Secret Santa thing at work. The guy I have to buy for.... it really couldn't be any more ironic. I have no idea what to get. Does the person ever find out who bought for them? Because if so.. it kind of matters what you get them. And that sucks.
I've had enough trouble coming up with good ideas for gifts for the people I've known my entire life. Now I have to buy for a guy I barely know or like. Sure, he harasses me about talking to him more often every now and then.. and tells De about how hot he thinks I am, but besides that... what's the connection?

The last time I was involved in a secret santa it was an awkward experience. I was in second grade, and the entire class had to be involved. It ended up being stupid... most of the kids got useless crap (I was one of them), and just looked at the kids with cool presents in envy. You could tell who had put thought into it and gone shopping at the mall.. and who had stopped at the grocery store that morning before school.

Anyway. Things are somewhat interesting and very depressing right now. I shall go get creative now.

~A

Saturday, December 03, 2005

wasting time


PDR_1322
Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
Modeling class was hell today. From the second I walked in the building I felt like a weak, socially challenged moron.
Some woman I don't believe I had ever seen, but apparently seemed to think she knew me, patronized me for changing my hair color. She just had this perfect little attitude that's just friendly and just irritating enough.
"So you changed your hair color?"
`"Yeah."
~awkward nods~
`"I uh, like change... so I'm always doing something different with it."
"Uh huh. Well, you'll need to be careful about that, because when the pictures come out.. if you get a job, they'll be expecting you to show up with the dark hair."
`"Yeah. Well I figure if I get a job I'll just change it back to brown."
"Well okay then."

The group photo posing practice was a nice bit of embarassment to deal with. I'd been looking forward to it.. being up close and personal with the boys. Yet there I was... stuck with the hottest guy up on center stage... and NOT feeling it at all. He was good.. he looked straight into my eyes, did his sexy little smile, portrayed each mood we were given perfectly. While I did my best not to burst out laughing, felt insecure about my unplucked eyebrows, and when told to act flirty and put my hand on his chest I couldn't even look at him. The second the photo was taken, I snatched my hand away.. making most of the room of models laugh.
It made me question my ability to pull off a modeling career. Then I realized... if and when I do a shoot with some gorgeous model man I don't know... I probably won't have an entire class of audience members staring me down.
I just felt like a failure.
Plus I made a bad outfit choice. The pants and heels were great, but for god's sake what the hell was I thinking in that shirt? I should have worn the black tank instead of the gray.

My mother has decided we'll celebrate Christmas this year. Now I have to buy people shit, and I refuse to repeat the old childhood tradition of Looney Toon boxers for dad.
I already know what I'm getting from them. Which is cool because I want it, but also sucks because that takes the fun out of getting a gift.

Anyway. I'm just going to sit around now.

eh

`A

Friday, December 02, 2005

like you don't care


PIC00006
Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
I've been taking small steps to take better care of myself over the last few days. I've developed a habit of removing my makeup and washing my face every night. Now I don't wake up every morning to black rings around my eyes and the distinct feeling that my skin has sufficiently suffocated under foundation during the night. My face is looking a million times better and staying smooth instead of drying out.
Yesterday morning I did yoga for the first time in a while, and it felt damn good. My body instantly felt longer and leaner.. giving me the extra confidence boost I've needed.
I've even tried to pay more attention to what I eat. Even though I had copious amounts of sugar yesterday, and even slipped up and had m&ms in ice cream at midnight, I'm sitting here having semi-healthy cereal instead of the chocolate chip cookies I was eyeing at first.

I think I do this when I begin to lose control of myself. Not necessarily physically, but in general. In any way. Like, lately I've lost myself to other people. I've invested more time in being social, and developing relationships. That's unusual for me, and it's begun to feel like it's taking up too much space in my life. So I've turned to focus on things that will give me a sense of control. The easiest way to control myself is with physical things. So it's good.. not only do I feel a little more control in my life, but I look better as a result.

I was talking to a waitress at Blue Cactus last night who is a senior at Franklin High School. She began telling me about some friends of hers that had caused drama and done something to her at Franklin.. blah blah blah. It was a great reminder of why I left that school. She said something that stuck in my mind, though. It was, "But, you know.. the more friends you have the happier you are."
I don't think I smiled, nodded my head, or even said a simple, "Mm hm." Because I had no idea if I agreed with that statement. I just sort of stopped, then changed the subject.
My first reaction was to think, "My god, I can't believe she actually thinks that." But I still had to pause for a moment and wonder if that could be true. I've always been a strong supporter of the 'not the quantity, but the quality' theory. I'm quick to stick with that, though, because in reality... the more friends I have, the more people I have to deal with, the more I lose myself to petty drama, the more stress I'm under, the less happy I am. So there.
Perhaps it depends on the person, but I'm a fewer friends type of girl.

Anyway. There's more to say, but I don't feel like typing anymore. I would update you on the Jo situation, but... the thought isn't an entirely pleasant one at the moment, so we'll give that some time to simmer. I'm angry at him for the first time, (I know.. that was quick, right?), and it feels slightly strange. He doesn't need to know that, though, so when I talk to him later today everything will have to be just fine. It's way too soon to be pissed.

~A