Monday, January 30, 2006

better not look him too closely in the eye

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
Never ever ever... ever, have I ever done anything that made me stop and think, "Am I trying to grow up too fast?" I've never gotten myself into something I felt like I wasn't ready for. Nor am I ever the type to admit that I'm afraid of anything. But now I have. And now.. I'm scared.
Suddenly, now that it's so very close.. so very there, and real, so within reach that all I have to do is make a single phone call and it's on my doorstep.... fun, meaningless sex seems like one of the last things I need to be putting myself through right now.
God... how many times do I have to learn the 'be careful what you wish for' lesson?!
Suddenly, I'm realizing I'm uptight... and smart.. and I think things through. I'm way more careful then I'd like to admit.
It was exciting when it seemed like it wasn't ever going to happen. Now, things are different.
I wrote this yesterday. Maybe it will explain things more thoroughly. I warn you, though, it's not very well written and gets a little cheesy here and there.
A Little Story

"You still interested?" I ask, watching him work. I know very well what he'll say....

We're alone, the kitchen is warm and metallic. I feel safe. Safe, yet exposed beside him, beneath the penetrating fluorescent lighting.
His hands are moving, slowly, precisely, pressing together a vat of unappealing ingredients. Red spices, flecks of green, pink meat and gobs of yellow butter. It's clinging to his fingers as he lifts them and glances at me.
Those eyes... deeper than you'd expect. They've seen my bare, pale skin.
Those hands.. strong, a little rough. They've been all over me.
"Lovely, isn't it?" he says, smirking.
My stomach turns as I gaze at him and ask what it is.
I pause.
I can't believe what I'm about to say.
We're quiet, while my mind screams and he waits for my voice.
"Okay. I say we keep this simple. I call you, you call me, (DAMN, I'm thinking, I wanted to say 'you call me' first), and.. (I lose track of my speech for a moment).. or whatever. And when I say fuck BUDDIES I mean fuck buddies. Which means it doesn't happen once, then you just ignore me the next day. Okay?"
He nods, "Okay."
"We're still friends, okay?"
Still nodding, he doesn't look at me as he repeats his okay and pushes down, deep into the sticky mess. It looks cold.
"Okay," I pause.
Why am I doing this?
"Then I'll talk to you later," I say breathily, and move around him, careful not to touch.

I can feel the suspicion in the air as I turn and see a co-worker surveying me with questioning eyes. He wasn't working during the past few days. He missed everything.
Everyone will know eventually.
Everyone suspects it anyway.

A moment later I'm sitting next to my father as he manipulates the gears of his tired manuel S-10 truck, driving me home. I stare at the road, I don't say a word.. barely hearing him speaking.
Images of the night before are still swarming before my eyes. That boy's hands on my shoulders, smoky breath on my neck. I can't help but smile at the memory. In the deep dark of the back room of Bricks, we exploded with avid, pent up fascination. Tired yet pulsating from wrestling with him, our bodies tight together as we battled for his hat, our excuse to flirt to exhaustion.. I fell back against a cooler door as he stepped closer. Just a moment, and his lips were against mine. My fantasy fulfilled..... it passed so quickly as we stirred and grabbed each other. The subtle night air was stale with smells of freezing meat and burning cigarettes. Just like I always imagined, it was perfect as the door to the kitchen flew open and in spilled the light. Ripping away from each other, we smiled with desire and guilt. Almost caught, but not quite.

I think I'm hoping he never calls.


Sunday, January 29, 2006

of constant sorrow

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
I don't think I know how to describe what I'm feeling right now. It's keeping me awake, though, and now has me sitting here at nearly 5 AM eating animal crackers while googling for statistics on condom failure.
I don't want to be afraid. But I don't want to be stupid, either.


Saturday, January 28, 2006

is it all you want it to be?

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
I don't remember when I updated last, but it has been an interesting few days. I'm all wrapped up in the stress of work and the odd feeling of happiness I've developed as my wall collage continues to grow. I've fallen into the habit of playing some O Brother Where Art Thou tracks I found on a old mix cd of S's, while laying on my mattress. I put my feet up against the wall and just stare. All the little pictures melt together and look absolutely beautiful.
I got a call from hostess J about 5 minutes ago. She and I have unexpectedly become good friends. Therefore, I've been getting into more trouble then usual. After running into De at the mall today, J has become convinced that she is getting fired tonight. Therefore I, being the friend who was dragged into the middle of what she is supposedly getting fired for, might just be losing my job as well. I can see her getting fired. I'm friends with her in certain areas.. but not in business, because to be a bit malicious but totally honest... she's useless. She rarely does any work, and usually screws it up when she does. Emotional, dramatic... needy. Bossman D obviously hates her and has only kept her on because without her we don't have enough hostesses in all. With me, though, it's not the same situation. B was there when he commented that, "Annie and B are the best hostesses I've ever had." He seems to respect and appreciate me, and though our interaction is limited and not exactly enthusiastic, it's comfortable. We seem to have an understanding. Plus, with the very few hostesses we have, only a couple of them hard workers... he can't really afford to lose me right now.
I think I know De pretty well. Therefore I won't be the least bit surprised if he was just fucking with J's mind, knowing she'll fall for whatever he says and consequently have a nervous breakdown.
So basically, I'm not worried. It's slightly bothersome to hear your ass might be on the line, but you can't believe everything you hear.

I guess we'll see, though.


Monday, January 23, 2006

candlelit smile

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
I suppose alot has happened. I almost lost my job on Saturday. But I don't feel like explaining why. Everything in my outside environment is a little blah right now, but I've been looking more to myself lately. I've completely re-vamped my room. It's amazing, and I'm now spending the majority of my time in there, creating. I have about fifty projects on the brain right now. I also dyed my hair AGAIN. I really love it this time, though, and I'm probably going to try to keep it this color while I grow it out. It's a dark brown, kind of like the anime girl's hair in that picture, but I left some chunks of red in it, so you see a few flashes of a fiery red here and there. I need to get it trimmed, but I don't want to lose much length. I want to grow it out long, like the anime girl's. It was almost like that before, until I went and chopped it off.
Anyway. I'm off to hole up in my room for the rest of the day.


Thursday, January 19, 2006

hold me close

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
I'm feeling happier then usual today. Perhaps it was the $80 I spent on fabric for a prom dress I'm making. ~PROJECT!!@!!!!!~ Perhaps it was the high amount of attention I got from De at work. ~project?~ Perhaps it was simply the fact that I did stuff today, and felt alive for the first time in weeks. Whatever it was... I'm okay with this whole happy and satisfied thing at the moment.

I am wondering when the hell I get paid again. I'm seriously low on funds and find myself more and more disappointed in myself and my spending habits. It's got to stop.

Anyway. I suppose I should get my room straightened up so I can start working on that dress. I have until April, though. Maybe I'll let it sit and torture me with promise for a while.


Wednesday, January 18, 2006

be at peace

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
I've been significantly depressed lately. With the blatant rejection by Dr, the mind numbing antics of De, and my complete sense of alienation from every single person and environment I know... I'm feeling icky. With what was supposed to be a couple of productive days off from work, I've found myself in a sick little cycle of telling myself I HAD to do something interesting with my time, and consequently ending up spending the day in dirty clothes, wasting time and eating. I feel entirely useless. And now I can't even try to make up for it with my day off today, because just as I was getting up and planning to get busy with SOMETHING for God's sake, B called and asked me to take her shift tonight. I felt like shooting myself in the head... and had no choice but to accept. I'm seriously considering asking for a week off and planning some sort of odd vacation for myself. Since I may never get to see Taos this year, which makes me want to cry, perhaps I should at least go somewhere. This whole routine thing is really starting to get on my nerves.


Sunday, January 15, 2006

sits by the water

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
I'm sitting here with a sketch of Edi that I might send in as my final drawing for an art credit, a half eaten grilled cheese sandwich made from an American Pateurized Prepared Cheese Product, and apple juice. I have to work AGAIN tonight, and the next night, but Tuesday I'm definitely off and I'm looking forward to that. I know De will be in the kitchen tonight, and considering our interaction last night.. something will probably happen. I'm determined to do what I've been telling myself I'm going to do for.. probably months now.. which is, CLEAN MY FUCKING BEDROOM FOR GOD'S SAKE. I don't even want to know what's making it smell like moldy ketchup in there... but I'm sure I'll find out. I have to do it today. I have to do laundry, because contrary to my expectations we DIDN'T get paid Friday.. therefore I can't go out and blow it all on work clothes and red shoes. I'll have to pull something together for work from the mountains of clothing I've somehow accumulated... only about half of which I actually wear on a regular basis. I should work on that. ~Wear more of your clothing.~
I'm somewhat proud of myself. Last night I flexed my social muscles while at Cafe Coco and actually talked to someone new. Unfortunately it was a quick reminder that you cannot judge by appearances. Despite his multiple piercings, and what at first came off as a pretty mellow attitude, a few minutes of talking proved that J was much more immature, jumpy, and hyper than I was in the mood for. It was a step, though, and even though I have no intention of calling the boy.. I've at least learned that it's much easier to just talk to people than I've believed in the past.
Speaking of which, hostess C gave me Dr's email address last night. I have it in my wallet, next to his senior picture.. which B gave me. So now it's just sitting there, waiting for me to pick it up, type it in, and start a relationship. Oh boy.


Saturday, January 14, 2006

so glad to see you

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
The chances that my night at work will be excessively stressful are promising. So I do wish I could spend the few hours before I have to be there in a completely serene environment. Instead I'll have to work on school crap.

I'm sitting here a little hungry, with thoughts of De's Bricks hat, which is on my floor at the moment, the possibility we'll be lacking a third hostess tonight, which will suck... alot, and the fact that my sister is moving back in with that pile of shit she calls a husband, which makes me sick.
What do you call this state of mind? Unrest?


Friday, January 13, 2006

it's just the way the operation made me

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
I've realized that I'm in a very unbalanced state of mental confusion at the moment. I can't decide on anything.

De started talking to me again last night. He had tried before, only to be rejected. Now I've decided to let him back in. Although I have no consistent feelings for him, I do want to be friends with him. Not friends with benefits, or friends with possibility of dating, or friends with continuous flirting. But that's what we naturally became within an hour or so... friends with continuous flirting. I'm scared to death that the same thing is going to happen again, the same old cycle will continue. That's exactly what I promised myself I wouldn't let happen again. Yet somehow, even though I was in control there for a while.. now that I've allowed him back into my life, I already sense him taking over again.
What I need to do is start dating someone else. Dr.. B's friend.. is still in the running, and I really need to pursue that further. Before I get past the point of no return with De, I need to set up that barrier. I've moved on, and I am not okay with the possibility of being sucked back into the twisted, fucked up little world of De. Mine is already fucked up enough as it is.

Eugh. I feel disgusting right now. I need to bathe... and clean everything around me. This bedsheet I'm wrapped up in right now needs to be washed, my room needs to be cleaned, I have to organize my closet. AAAGHHH! CONTROL!


Wednesday, January 11, 2006

your loving mind

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
It seems I've turned a corner and am now eating everything in sight. For a while there I never had an appetite. I would eat out of necessity, not out of desire. Now I've totally switched gears and found myself in constant need to be chewing something.
I don't know if this qualifies as an eating disorder or not.

I really should dedicate my day to finishing this god damn sophomore year. It's not much of a problem, I just have to correct tests and crank out another drawing.. but I'm having trouble getting around to it. This school shit promises to seriously cut into my creative and leisure time.
I should feel fortunate, though, I've been hearing alot about the new Franklin High School that I would be going to right now. They've just moved all the students into the new building and torn down the old building. Most people seem to think the new one feels like a hospital. I can't imagine still being in school.. having to be up at 7 AM instead of noon.. spending 7 hours of my time locked up in a hospital-like building with people I hate instead of at home alone.. having to follow rules and obey everything some moronic, unfair teacher says instead of having just about no authority besides my down-to-earth boss at the job I love. I'm really fortunate and happy in the place I'm in right now.

Tonight I'm working, and am not looking forward to the mix of people I will be with. Hostess J was fired quite a while ago, much to everyone's satisfaction. Now, somehow, she's back... (goes to show just how desperate we are for an additional hostess) and is working with me tonight. I might not be dreading it so much if De wasn't going to be there as well. I distinctly remember talking to him, and saying how happy I was that she was gone. Knowing him, he probably told her. Damn.. I don't want to have any enemies among us hostesses. So far I've miraculously managed not to be on bad terms with any hostess I've worked with. Maybe that's about to change. Although, by no means was I the only one who rejoiced when her ass was gone.

Whatever... I'm just not looking forward to her lazy, cry-baby ways. She is cleaning the god damn bathrooms tonight, I don't care how much it hurts or how hard she cries.


Tuesday, January 10, 2006

for the first time

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.

I'm sitting here.. vaguely pissed off after being informed that I'm failing History and my art credit is incomplete. Well fuck me.
I have to draw another portrait, correct another history test.. and this god damn OPI nail lacquer advertised as black with a sparkle is NOT black, it's shimmery dark grey. If they think the free Swiss Guard antiseptic handwash gel is going to make up for this catastrophe they've got another thing coming.... dammit.



Monday, January 09, 2006

I wouldn't be so cruel

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
Well, here I am.. taking advantage of my mother and sister's time out of the house. They went to Wal-Mart. Why anyone would voluntarily step foot in the hell hole, I don't know.
I have absolutely zero responsibilities today, just an empty slate of time to get creative with. Of course, my hopefully future boyfriend Dr IS working tonight, and I COULD cruise on over there to buy a couple of CD's and run into him... ~what a coincidence!~... but I'm not sure if I feel like it. What's creepier: showing up at his place of work two days after your best friend asked him when he works next and suggested you two hang out some time, or just randomly calling him one day? Honestly I've only seen the boy in person 3 times in the past year or so.. therefore I don't know how to go about this. But at this very moment he's trying to move on from his crush on B, and now is the prime oppurtunity to walk into his life.

I'll probably just stay home today. I'll probably start working on this random idea to collage every inch of my bedroom walls and ceiling that keeps popping up in my head.

At this very moment.... I'll probably go get the mail.


Saturday, January 07, 2006

we get along

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
I have about 20 minutes before I have to be at work. So I figured I'd take a moment and post.
Today wasn't much.. I just went to the post office to send something off to a new friend in South Africa, then wasted a couple hours I had intended to use cleaning my bedroom watching E! True Hollywood Stories.

I've decided that since I work the morning shift tomorrow I may take advantage of the day and go job hunting after work. I need a day job for weekdays to give me a reason to get up in the morning, and for a rise in income. I happened to notice that the Sonic down the road is hiring. I'm debating that... I have a thing against working in fast food... but maybe Sonic doesn't count. My sister used to work there, so I know you make killer tips as a carhop. I'd rather work in a small shop or restaurant, though. Which cuts down on the job options significantly. Grocery stores, drug stores, and fast food... three areas in which I refuse to invest my work ethic.

Besides that, I'm considering asking out Dr.. B's male friend who happens to be amazingly hot, surprisingly cool, and looking for a girlfriend. He thinks I'm hot, but the question is.... is that enough? We'll find out. If I manage to make this work.
I've been avoiding De like the plague. It's as if he and I have switched sides in the twisted little game we play. Now I'm the one ignoring him and messing with his head while he wants me. Ha freaking ha. Not gonna happen. I have officially moved on.
I feel all... relieved.

Anyway. I should get going.


Friday, January 06, 2006

maybe you'd see the signs

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
Today is a good day. I'm up and breathing and doing shit, because I have a purpose. I get to drive myself to and from work tonight. All by myself. I feel like a kid. No matter how simple it is, or how quickly I'll get over it (once I'm diminishing my bank account on gas) I'm ecstatic, and this feels like a major step towards independence, which means alot to me.

Also, I get to start writing in the massive 500 page journal S got me for Christmas. I finally filled up the old one I had last night, which was just a black spiral notebook from the school supplies isle at Publix. I'm, perhaps a little TOO excited to start with the new one.

I've colored my hair again. Now it's a much darker bergundy-brown. It's awesome. Still very reddish, but now I can wear bright reds and it looks a little more brown instead of totally clashing like the bright red did. In some lighting it almost looks purple, which is cool.

I work with B again tonight. De will be there too.. who has decided to start talking to me again already. The cycle is speeding up. I'm not reacting well to it, though. The first time he acknowledged me, said hello, and went in for a high five, I totally blew him off. I just really don't feel anything for him anymore. Besides looking kinda sexy when he's at the grill.. I don't see it in him anymore. So perhaps with my new lack of interest, I can't play along with his little game anymore.

Anyway. I have to think of a way to entertain myself for the next hour or so before I can start getting myself ready for work.


Thursday, January 05, 2006

mosquitos come, suck your blood

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
I hate this feeling. Waking up at 2 PM, not regretting the lost daytime, then not being able to think of one good reason to get out of bed.

But here I am. I've finished off the pint of ice cream I bought last night and begun brainstorming a comic about Bricks.

That's just how random I am.


Wednesday, January 04, 2006

hope someone will save me this time

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
I'm sitting here with a couple websites in front of me... one for MAC cosmetics, and one for OPI nailpolish. These are really nice, high-end beauty products. Cosmetics that will look beautiful and last long, and nail color that won't chip overnight. I think I need these things... I really do. But the MAC checkout page has a total of $48 for 4 items. I'm left considering my options.. wondering if I really NEED to spend $50 on eye makeup. These are superficial things. Somehow I think it's going to hurt a little to enter my card number.
So maybe I won't. I'll give it more time. The tiny bit of eyeliner I have left will last a bit longer.

I have to be at work in 2 hours. I'm working with B again, and the chances of us getting busy are slim. So it may prove to be a good night.

I'm thinking about hyper-organizing my bedroom tonight when I get home. It's been a while, and of course the room is a ridiculous mess. I need to gets things cleared out and squared away so I can spend more time in there without suffocating.

I feel okay today.


des visages des figures

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
I'm taking advantage of my sister's time out of the house to write a bit. The past couple of days have been sad and drama-filled. I'm still depressed and not expecting to feel much better any time soon. Things are semi-resolved with my sister, but besides that life is still unstable.

Like last night. S and I went to the Belcourt Theater in Hillsboro Village to see Mirrormask, a film by the creator of the Sandman comics. Since I needed to come home and get some new clothes and such, we were here before we left and decided that since the car had it's license plate I may as well drive. It was somewhat nerve-racking but we didn't die nor did we cause or find ourselves involved in any car crashes. That car will take some getting used to. We got home at roughly 11 pm, and I parked the car in front of the house. I got out and locked the doors before noticing I had left the lights on. Instead of going ahead and getting back in to turn them off, I decided to go ahead and open the trunk so we could get our bags out. So what's the one thing that never happens to anyone but apparently me.. making me feel a million times worse, not to mention cursed???... The fucking key broke off in the trunk's keyhole. Just... WHAT THE FUCK? So not only was S's bag with her cell phone, wallet, and keys stuck in the trunk so she couldn't get to work in the morning... but the lights were still on so my battery would be sure to die overnight. THANK YOU!
That was just the last fucking straw. I lost it. I think I had the breakdown of the century. Cursing, sobbing, screaming into my mattress.. I hated myself and this universe that has turned against me more then ever. It's just hard to understand why every single thing I do isn't working right... why everything has to fuck up somehow.
During my break down my sister came in to talk about our situation.. which was great, you know, with all that was on my mind at the moment. I calmed down, though, and after she went to bed I had time to myself. So I wrote... for hours. Just before I fell asleep, I wrote this:

Poem by me

I'm shutting down here.
I'm wanting sleep.
But I can't.
I have to see it all.
I have to know what's going on.
I have to see things go right.
I can't take another failure.
I can't wake up to emptiness.
Or hell.
I need the control.
I need the understanding.
Because not caring didn't work out.
The steel heart melted away.
Now I'm soft and stripped of armor.
Every bump adds to hysteria.
Manic depressive had become simply depressed.
And I can't tell what I want.
Much less what I need.
Release, it's many forms, is distant.
My life is upside down.
And I can't take the light.
I don't like what I see.
I can't see myself, without regretting.
Why can't I just rebel again?
Why can't I run away, only farther away this time?
To the edge of reality.
To the end of the world.
Anywhere away from you.
And you.
And you.
You, you, and you... definitely you.
Why can't I reach a place where something might work?


Sunday, January 01, 2006

do it again

suzie and annie at buzzfest
Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
After recent severely depressing familial developments, I've taken refuge at S's house. I don't plan on going home until I absolutely have to, which, theoretically, could have me away for quite a while. We'll see what happens.
It is interesting to feel real depression again, though. And it's funny how it's always New Year's Eve that brings on the shit. The only really happy New Year's that I can remember was in Taos.. besides that all that comes to mind is a year or two before that, when I ended up sobbing on the kitchen floor.

Anyway. So here I am... spending the first days of this blank slate of a year in a total depression.. just sulking about with S, who is being supportive and is surprisingly able to make me content at the moment. Now here I am, scouring the internet for movie showtimes and some information about the steps of human decay. Don't ask why.

Last night turned out alright, though. After trying my best not to cry through work, I was cheered by the supportive people there. Da resolved that he WOULD have me laughing hysterically before the end of the night.
B suddenly realized that the guy friend she was celebrating New Year's with was the absolute perfect match for me, so when he arrived to pick her up from work she dragged me out to say hello. Dr.. I had met him once before, maybe a year or so ago.. and all I can say is that the boy has aged WELL. Fucking gorgeous.. eyebrow ring and all. He looked like he would taste good. So perhaps B will keep her word and set us up. Hmm.
Anyway. After that I turned to S, and we ended up spending the night at Cafe Coco. A semi-cute guy, P, ended up offering us champagne and a group of fairly interesting people to talk to and hang out with. I didn't really get into it... my mind wasn't set on parties or socializing. It was interesting, though, and better then sitting home alone for the night. After that S and I came home and watched as much of Garden State as we could before falling asleep in her den. I'm surprised to not be sore after sleeping on the loveseat in there.

Tonight I think we're going to a movie and maybe picking up collage material on the way home for a project we have in mind. Tomorrow we're spending more time out of the house... getting yarn for another project, books for our first "book club" reading, and perhaps something else that has slipped my mind.

This is slightly strange. I don't have my bank card, makeup, face wash.... just whatever I happened to throw in my bag before work last night and the clothes off my back. I have found a new plus to layering clothing, though. Whatever's on top doesn't stink the next day.