Monday, February 27, 2006

If I'm a stranger to myself


beauftil
Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
I woke up today just in time to take a quick shower and get myself dressed to go visit B as she left school. After that I dropped some books off at the library and checked out a couple of movies.
Now I'm home... baffled at the fact that once again, I didn't get caught.

'Tis a day for celebration. After much anticipation, I have finally reached my time of the month. Never before have I been so happy about such a thing. Yet this is so well and good because now I know the condom didn't break or have any microscopic holes in it, I'm not pregnant, and I can start taking the pill on Sunday.
Yay!
Yay for me!
Yay for De!
Above all, YAY for TROJAN!

Ah. I'm going to relax today. Read a chapter of my book, do a bit of sewing. Try not to be depressed.
You know, the usual.

~A

Sunday, February 26, 2006

are you blind?


peter
Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
Today was interesting.

I struggled to get out of bed for a good 3 1/2 hours... then had to leave for work. My mother had left for work, and my father was out in the studio.. so I just left. Getting a ride seemed undesirable... so I just got in the car and went on my way. I ended up working, having four tortilla chips and a sprite for breakfast, then stayed out until 5 PM without anyone noticing I had left the house.
I went to Barnes and Noble and bought a new book, since I've already finished Doing It. The new one is called Amber Forever, by Kathleen Winston. One of those stories about a 17th century woman and her crazy life. On my way over there I called S to see if she wanted to see TransAmerica on my day off this week, and ended up deciding to go out to Fairview and stop by her house. We went out for lunch, watched a few episodes on her Scrubs DVD, and I left around 4:30. On my way back I called B, who was going in to work.. so I stopped by to see her and ended up getting some key lime pie to go and talking up a storm with waiters Ga and Ja.
I was home for a short time, then hooked up with S and R for bowling. My hand is killing me now.. the last time I went bowling I was on an actual date with De. Yeah... long time ago. Actually, I may not have even bowled. I just sat there and chatted with hostess C while De ignored me. I flirted with K to make De jealous (he then paid a bit of attention to me), and ended up going to the bathroom with his phone to surprise him with pictures of my boobs.
Yeah.
Good times.

After bowling I ended up driving around a bit more and calling B. I sat in a parking lot talking with her for a while, then.. out of sheer boredom, tried to call De. He didn't pick up. I'm just thinking... "Pick up the damn phone, boy, I'm horny!"

That just seems to be going nowhere, though. I might actually just have to go out and find myself a boyfriend. Problem is, I don't really want a relationship right now. I mean... emotional involvment, having to do shit and call and talk and worry and try not to be clingy and wonder what he's doing and blah blah blah.
I just want some sex every once in a while.
You'd think it wouldn't be so difficult right now.

So anyway. Now I'm home, thinking of the key lime pie and new book that awaits me.

~A

Saturday, February 25, 2006

it's sizzlin' right now


PIC00012
Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
As Black Eyed Pea's Pump It blasts about the room, I'm rewarding myself with my snack for the day (I'm only aloud one per day now.. and I did Pilates earlier!) and every once in a while I glance back to take in an eye-ful of the work of art that stands behind me. It took me eight hours to complete, 6 AM to about half an hour ago, and I am overwhelmingly proud of it. Plus, I get to wear it to work tonight. And since it's so perfectly made for me by me I will undoubtedly look freaking awesome.
Okay, before my head explodes, I'll explain.
See I had this great coat from Hot Topic. I bought it for my last trip to Taos, and have worn it fairly regularly ever since. With the winter months upon us, I developed a habit of wearing it to work. It was warm, dark, gothic, original, and different from anything anyone else would wear. It was great.
Then newbie hostess S came along. I wore the coat on her first night, and toward the end of the shift a bunch of us were hanging around the bar when she mentioned that she had the same coat.
"Ah, see," I said, continuing the conversation, "that's what sucks about Hot Topic. They have original stuff, but they have alot of the same original thing."
She nodded and agreed, letting out a small and simple 'yeah.'
Low and behold, the next night she worked I happened to be there snapping a few pics of B and waiter Ga when she came in..... wearing the coat. She wore it that night, and the next night she worked, and the next.
I'm sorry, but this is just a BIG no-no in the goth community. (At least, in MY version of the goth community... shall we say, my own twisted little world?) So naturally, I was royally pissed. Instantly, I began conjuring up design and alteration ideas.
With work so heavily on my mind last night, I was thinking of her and her shortcomings. The list included things like: being a slow busser, being a bad communicator, and wearing the god damn coat.
It was after I posted, I had read a few chapters of Doing It and I was laying in bed desperately trying to fall asleep as I began to think of nothing else but all the different things I could do to make the coat mine again. It was hours into my struggle when the ultimate idea popped into my head.. and I just had to get up and sketch it. By that time it was 5:30 AM or so, and I wasn't feeling too tired. I kept thinking about getting to work on the project, so I quickly decided to just start the day without the sleep. I got up, got dressed, made some breakfast, and got to work.
It was totally inspired. My motivation just grew as I cut and sewed and altered as I saw fit. Now it's there on the dress form... unfinished yet perfect. That's the beauty of this.. I can always change things. I can always add more, and I probably will.
I wish I had taken a before picture, but since I was too hasty and forgot that small detail, I'll just have the describe to my best ability.
Before it was a black knee-length trench coat with a huge silver zipper down the right side. In the center was a bit of non-functioning corsetry done with black string and silver grommets. The sleeves were long, with a strip of grommets around each cuff, and a big collar to top it off.
I cut the sleeves to 3/4 inch and tailored them to fit snug around my arms, used some grommet strips to accent them, lobbed off the collar, removed the corsetry, and used remaining grommet strips as a little tie in the center of the back to pull in the waist. I also took in the sides so it was more form-fitting.
Now it's just awesome and I cannot wait to wear it.
I pulled some bits of fabric from the attic.. various colored things that I may cut into strips and make ruffles ouf of to add to the sleeves. It's very.. sophisticate.. right now, and I think playing with some color will artsy it up a bit.

I don't know, somehow doing this to clothes just validates me.

~A

i will never be with you


PIC00013
Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
It's about this time.. 4AM.. every morning that my bed begins to call to me.
I've opted to come here instead.

Work was crazy. Unfortunately I ended up running the door, therefore apparently responsible for every little thing every single hostess did. Like S, the newbie, who managed to piss me off to high hell.
Bossman D was like a hawk.. watching our every move and giving me a significant dose of the evil eye as if I were doing everything wrong. In general, I'd say things were okay. He managed to nit-pick over everything anyway. Perhaps he had had a bad day... he's been known to take it out on me before.
Anyway.
It's been a significant rule NOT to seat any tables without silverware for a good long while now. Us hostesses have had our jobs threatened and our fragile hearts broken by bossman D's wrath on more then one occasion in regards to a roll of fucking silverware gone missing. Therefore, when I instructed S to seat a table of seven, when she returned I looked her square in the eye and said the following: "Do they have enough silverware there? You need to go check.. and if they don't, make sure you take them some." I then returned to my stressful routine.. trusting that she could handle the simple task.
Was it really too much to ask?
It wasn't too long after.. things had died down a bit and everything seemed ok. Then, pizza girl E passed by and told me the table of 7 needed silverware.
WHAT? HUH? They have their food and no silverware?
I promptly grabbed 7 rolls, went over, apoligized for the inconvenience, and gave them what they needed.
Then, it was on. I looked over just in time to see Bossman D making his way up to the hostess stand. I could read the frustration in him, and noticed B at the front.. a vase of innocence about to be shattered. So I jogged up and went on defense, knowing exactly what he would say. I was mad.
D: "Now why the hell..."
Me: "I SPECIFICALLY asked S to take silverware to them, and she just didn't do it!"
D: "Well, come on now. There's four of you here tonight.. is it really too much to ask!? Can't you just take a look around and realize.. hey, they have no silverware.. and take it to them!?"
Me: "I was completely distracted, I didn't have time.."
D: "This shouldn't be happening."
Me: "Well I'm sorry, I wish I hadn't been busy.. but I asked S to take them silverware when she sat them."

He walked away, shaking his head in disapproval. I've gotten to the point where I don't just take it anymore, though. I don't just get wide-eyed and silent, only to end up apoligizing profusely. B and I... our fragile hostess hearts have become rock hard over time.
Of course it doesn't change the fact that he's the one who signs our checks. At the end of the night he rounded up the three of us.. B, C, and I.. and had a talk. Which, in his language, means he speaks TO us, not with us. We don't get a fucking word in edgewise. But whatever.
So now.. he wants us to not only keep everything smooth and flowing and happy.. but he wants us to ask and remember everyone's name. He plans to score points in business by having us be able to pull each and every re-visiting customer's names out of our asses.
I've been working there for a year and have only recently begun to remember a couple of specific names.. and these of people who come in practically every freaking night. Now, suddenly, I have to know everyone by heart?
Eugh. I am not that nice and caring.
He gave us a little homework assignment. We should be able to come to him and ask the names of any regulars we don't know over the next few days.
I'm dreading tomorrow night like no other.
PLEASE BE SLOW PLEASE BE SLOW PLEASE BE SLOW!!!!!

~A

Thursday, February 23, 2006

and it doesn't make sense


PIC00009
Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
I'm sitting here with Edi on my lap, watching her head move as she follows the mouse arrow on the screen. Is that not just torturously adorable? I love this cat more than life itself.

Today I made a bit of a half-hearted decision to start taking better care of myself. The scale at the doctor's office revealed a weight measurement that I could have done without, and lately I'm just not feeling like the best I could be. I'm not doing anything drastic... but working out and eating less seems like a good start.

I got a new book today! I ordered it from B&N and I am so ridiculously excited. It's called Doing It, by Melvin Burgess. I've been pining for a new book like crazy... I can't wait to sit down and start reading.

"Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea."
~Robert A. Heinlein

~A

winds are whipping waves up


PIC00011
Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
Where to begin.

It's been an odd couple of days.

Yesterday was bleak and depressing. I spent the majority of the day in bed. I was momentarily encouraged when S came over with movies and enthusiasm.. but managed to deny myself the contentment by randomly mustering up the nerve to call De and break out the sexual future inquiries. I quickly made a step back when the conversation led to him exposing something about his past. Something I wish I had known before we slept together.

Today began horribly, as I had a doctor's appointment. It was tiresome and mind-numbing, but I was able to leave with a birth control prescription... ~dun da da DA! glimmer of hope~.
After a visit to the pharmacy and a nice bowl of goat cheese pasta at Bricks.. I was surprisingly energized and ready to work. The night was up and down... you know, semi-depressing at times yet mildly encouraging at others. De was there, which managed to make me feel thoroughly awkward and impressively horny all at once. Waiter Ga was there as well.. and he managed to lift my spirits a bit during one of our many bizarre and inappropriate conversations:
G: So! How was it the other night with (insert odd nickname here) De the other night?
Me: ~smiles~ Uhhh...
G: Oh come on. Was it everything you hoped for?
Me: Well, it was everything I expected.
G: ~laughter~ Well you got what you wanted.
Me: Yes. Yes I did. Despite many obstacles, I got what I wanted. Now the next challenge is making it happen again.
G: What? Again? With De? Why!?
Me: Well I don't know.
G: Annie, you could do so much better. You are a FINE young girl. I mean, you're a fucking model. Go out there and find yourself some pretty boy.
Me: Eh. That's too much trouble.
G: Yeah, well.... De?
Me: Hey.. he'll be good practice.

Anyway. I need to find some other way to entertain myself now.

"Will you please stop throwing potatoes at me?"
~me

~A

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

his lonesome nights are over


PIC00019
Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
God, what a frustrating world I've become enveloped in.

My art project began amazingly well, but now of course I've reached a stalling point. I need more material to work from and I'm out. Considering that I couldn't get the fuck out of this house today.. I was unable to gather more.

Of course I'm so absorbed in my independent, don't-need-anybody schtick, that I can't conjure up the balls to call De and simply ask the lingering question: Was this a one time thing or are you coming over again? I think I'm so stuck on avoiding being needy or clingy, that I've gotten to a point where I compromise my self and my wants.
I've been like this for a while, though. Even back when I was dating T.. something would happen.. and I'd completely freak out. I'd be totally on edge and emotionally drained, thinking all sorts of horrendous things until we were talking again. Then I wouldn't mention a thing about it, and act as if everything was and had been just peachy.
I remember the first time I ever really snapped at him. I told him exactly how I felt, and wasn't stingy about expressing the raging anger. Not long after, he broke up with me.
Perhaps that relationship fucked me over more than I realized.
How can I possibly still love him?

By a twist of fate, I have tomorrow night off work.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do.
The night after, I'm pretty sure I work with De. I'll be disappointed if I don't. Cuz, you know.. I seem to take some distinct pleasure in torturing myself.

`"Who you sleep with does not define who you are."
~Dana of The L Word

`"I keep trying to remember that when Jesus closes a door, he opens a window."
..
"That's to leave something you can jump out of."

~Saved!

~AA

Sunday, February 19, 2006

ease on up


PIC00001
Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
I took this photo of myself about an hour or so ago in the Walgreens parking lot. I snuck out of the house and drove myself down there in a fit of inspiration. ~I must do a huge art project. And I must spend $51 on cheap art supplies from the drug store down the street.~ I was on the phone with S at the time. I bought a pack of AA batteries and decided to test out the camera when I had a moment.
A few minutes later I stopped in at Bricks to snap pictures of things to work from. The subject: Bricks Cafe. The medium: Undecided. Although I do know I'm using foam board as canvas.

~A

maybe if I act like that


wee (4)
Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
I was woken up at 1 PM today by a call from M. Luckily the shoot was re-scheduled for next week.
I really need to get my patterns switched around again and stop sleeping through the entire day. I've decided not to sleep tonight, I'm just going to ride it out until Sunday night, crash, then be up at a decent time on Monday. It's amazing how I continuously manage to become nocturnal.

As far as De goes, I'm feeling pathetic. He called me Friday night, asking me to come over. I came up with some solid excuses, (managing to leave out the fact that from previous experience, I know my car can't make it up the steep hill in his neighborhood), and left saying I was sorry but that I'd see him at work the next day. Sure enough, despite my desperate attempts at courage... I couldn't say a word to him during the shift. We managed a few hard stares and sexy glances, but avoided further contact.
Since arriving home, it's been an exceptionally long night. I didn't take into consideration the fact that now that I've had sex, I crave it 10 times more than I used to. Upon becoming ferociously frustrated, I gave in and began trying to reach De. He didn't respond to a text message and didn't answer my call. So I settled for calling B to complain.
She had a few things to say as well. Apparently she is now planning to hook up with a long time uhh.. "acquaintance." When I asked why she was suddenly so willing to lose the big V, she made some scary comment about having to keep up with me. I'm exactly one week older than her. Odd that she'd be losing her virginity exactly one week after me.
I hope she doesn't regret this, I'll feel oddly responsible.
What a crazy, crazy life.

I'm not sure what to do about De. I'm still quite unable to read the boy, although I wouldn't be surprised if he's feeling the same as I am.
I've just entered an entirely new field, and it's hard to learn exactly how to handle it.
Like, what do I do? Catch him off gaurd, grab him, throw him against a wall and demand he get back in my bed before I spontaneously combust?

Huh. That might work.

~A

Friday, February 17, 2006

louder


PDR_0964
Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
It's been a day of mixed emotions. The first thing I did was call B to inform her of my increased lack of innocence. I pleaded that she not be upset and explained that I wanted her to hear it from me first.... just in case.
At work she seemed excited and squeeled about "DETAILS!" I think I disappointed her. She wanted to hear that it was amazing, mind-blowing sex that left me baffled in ecstasy. Instead, she heard something more honest, "It was a little awkward, VERY painful, and took longer then I expected. I bled, and only moaned in discomfort. NO I did not come. YES of course he did."
I didn't mean to be so discouraging. There were positives as well. I don't regret it. I'm glad it's over with and I'm no longer virginal. It's good to have my curiosity about De mostly out of my system, although I do want to do it again. (He'll be good practice if either one of us manages to get past the insane awkwardness that promises to be between us tomorrow night at work. I hope he wouldn't mind me being blatant about using him. HA! As if he isn't using me.)
Any more positives? Oh yes... it being the first time I saw him completely naked.... he has a beautiful body.
It's almost inspiring... like I want to do an entire art project based on his features.

I actually need to get to bed fairly early tonight. I have a photo shoot tomorrow morning at 11 AM.
We have these customers who come into Bricks all the time.. Mel and Mi. Mi is a photographer, and Mel is.. I don't know, some important part of the business. Anyway, I've seen some of Mi's work, and it's absolutely amazing. They used hostess C for a project, and it was stunning. So, I was pleased when they asked me to come in for a shoot with them this weekend. They have a couple of top notch makeup artists coming in, and after one shoot they have alot of time open, so they wanted to fill it with me. They've hinted at doing a 50's concept, and want me to bring in a couple dresses they've seen me in at work. I'm pretty excited. It's free, will be good experience, and I could definitely use the shots for my portfolio.

~A

Thursday, February 16, 2006

your pretty face


paulin07
Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
Well, I just lost my virginity.




That was boring.
And rather trivial.

~A

in the middle of nowhere


paulin10
Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
Hmm. Life is interesting.

I was woken today by a call from Da. He wanted me to work at Bricks so E could make pizzas and hostess L from Blue Cactus could take my shift over there. I don't really know what the point of that was... all I know is I was happy. I'll take Bricks over Blue Cactus any day.
So I worked with B, Ga, E... and De was there as well. He got me all hot and bothered tonight by cornering me in the back room. I don't have a clue what he was talking about, I only remember the end of the conversation. I spread my hands over his chest, pressing him back towards the doorway as he snapped the suspenders I was wearing and told me they were sexy.
"Guess what," I said, changing the subject.
"What?"
"I need a ride home from work tomorrow night," I paused, watching him as he started to reply, "Because my parents are going to be out ALL NIGHT."
I smiled at his excited reaction. His eyes lit up.
"DAMN!" was the extent of his verbal communication.. he seemed to like the way I had told him that. The rest consisted of him putting his arm around me, then hitting my ass as I walked away.
We did alot of distant flirting for the rest of the night. We'd catch each other's eye over all the people between the hostess stand and the kitchen and strain to see over as more people walked by. He'd nod at me all sexy like and stare me down as I bussed tables.
I know this is a bad idea. But it's a very, very fun bad idea.

So the new hostess starts tomorrow. I'm hoping we'll be moderately busy.. at least enough to keep everyone occupied.

I just spent a very long time doing my hair. We're talking rollers and styling gel. It looks damn good right now. I'm really hoping it holds up for tomorrow night.

Ah damn. I have to get up early enough tomorrow to groom myself and straighten up my room.

~A

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

suzie blue


pinup69
Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
Home again, home again... and hoping to god my plan to take E's shift at Bricks and get my Blue Cactus one covered tomorrow works out.

I didn't realize today was Valentine's Day until last night. We were completely swamped and I am now thoroughly zapped of all energy and hope.
Surprisingly, even though the only Valentine's gifts I got were from my father and some regular customer at work.. both old, unavailable, undesirable men.. I'm not too depressed about this "single awareness" day. I may still be unattached and virginal... but I'm okay with that.

I have alot of writing, eating, and cleaning to do.

~A

I'll know where I want to be


jana
Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
This has been an interesting day. I woke up at noon and stayed in bed until 6 pm, when S called wanting to hang out. Since we didn't have money or any interesting destinations in mind, I ended up taking her hostage and driving all over town. We ended up going to Bricks to see B and having dessert, talking to G and K, stopping by at sister M's condo, and looking at paint swatches at Lowes. After that, when I was waiting in the parking lost of the Shell gas station as S used the bathroom, I started texting De. I asked about his jeep, made fun of myself for coming in to eat on my only night off this week, and ended up saying I was going to come and see him since I was so bored. It was right as all the kitchen boys were getting off work, so when I got there I ended up talking to C about B and her asking him to prom.. WTF!?.. then spending an hour or so smoking and hanging out with De and K. It was pretty interesting. We talked, wrestled over hats, and I let K drive my car around a bit. After that S and I went to Wendy's and ended the night after sufficiently stuffing ourselves with chicken.

I don't know what I'm going to do with the rest of my night. My nails are in dire need of a manicure, and I'm still fully entertained by the Grand Theft Auto game I rented. Perhaps that's what my future holds... manicures and Grand Theft Auto.
Hmm. I like the unlikely combination there.

~A

Sunday, February 12, 2006

dance, dance


PIC00017
Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
Well, at least I know and accept the fact that I'm psychotic. A few minutes ago I snuck out of the house just so I could drive down to Bricks and make sure De wasn't lying to me. For some reason I sent him a little message hinting that he could come over tonight if he wanted. I mainly did this, not because I was horny or in dire need of attention, but because I was bored. His reply was that he was at home, and didn't have a car because his jeep was left behind at Bricks with a flat tire. At first I was relieved, because the thought of him actually coming over was making me nervous and seemed slightly.. creepy.. but then I began to wonder about things. Like what if he was just blowing me off to get me back for all my avoidance and new hard-to-get attitude? So I just had to drive by and make sure that jeep was there and sufficiently debilitated by a faulty tire. It was there. I'm pretty sure the back right tire looked flat. I didn't bother to get out and get a closer look.. it was way too fucking cold, but.. at least it was there. Knowing De, he wouldn't leave his precious jeep anywhere unless he had a damn good reason to.
Not to mention.. he probably wouldn't blow off an oppurtunity to get laid.

So anyway.
Somehow a strange conversation with my mother today revealed that she feels I'm going to waste all of this talent I have. Talk of art classes and record deals has begun floating about the house.
I'm all for the art class. As for music? Well fuck... I literally have a studeo in my backyard, I might as well use it. I'm trying to conjure up some song ideas. Of course, it seems like having relatives like mine would give me the upper hand here, like maybe I'd have some idea of where to start. But I don't. I don't have a clue. Although I do think I'm going to try to write a poem a day for a while. I mean, material is material, right? And you never know what surprising things can end up on the page.

~A

Saturday, February 11, 2006

I'll go where I like


1124291137_f
Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
Well. I just got home. A few minutes ago I was with De, sitting in his jeep in the driveway, debating everything from what I'd do if he came on to me to whether caramel is pronounced care-a-mel or car-mle. It's fucking care-a-mel I don't care who disagrees.

I wouldn't say we've solved anything. Now he knows about my conflicting thoughts, and now I know why he wants me. Besides that.. it's still a mess.

Well. I'm off to sulk, think about De, dream of New York, and color my hair.

~A

Friday, February 10, 2006

you're lookin' like you like what you see


gothic28vd
Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
Every night at work this week has managed to be mentally and emotionally draining. This De situation is ridiculously out of hand. The boy is adorably pissed about the outcome of things, and everyone seems to want to get involved. I'm questioning myself at every turn, now. I half expected tonight to be completely different then it was. Since he called me last to yell at me about his vandalized jeep, I imagined coming into work only to be confronted, questioned, attacked, etc. I was ready.. confident and looking extra sexy.. only to find he wasn't even there. He managed to get his shift covered... the little coward. Hence, instead of arguing with him the entire night, I ended up being told "the truth" about the situation by kitchen boy C. I don't know what to believe anymore, nor can I figure why Da would lie to me about De.
I'm really trying to be indifferent right about now. Instead, all I can do is think about... certain things.
We have a new hostess starting tomorrow night. I refuse to deal with another moronic little twerp who can't do her fucking job. I WILL complain if she slacks off. Of course I can't help but wonder what she looks like. Will De flirt with her?
Probably.
But I'm not thinking about that.
Nope.
I'm not.
And I don't care either way.
So there.

I am so fucked up.

~A

Wednesday, February 08, 2006

the blood on our hands


PDR_0968
Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
The other day I had taken S hostage in my car, and was driving in circles around town. We were passing a big white Catholic church when she made the comment about it, saying, "Jeez, that church is SO BIG!! What are they DOING in there!?" I gave it a moment as I made a sharp turn in the opposite direction then answered, "Sacrificing kittens."

I'm sitting here in an oddly clean living room. I'm listening to music... as loud as I want to. I'm typing, and hearing a slight echo. I'm enjoying the fact that this room is no longer being used as a bedroom. Yes, my sister has moved out. Back into her generic little condo dwelling with her generic shithead husband.
Hence, this enjoyment is quite bittersweet. Because although it's nice to have the space back, I'd rather sacrifice it.... in fact, sacrifice everything possible... if it just meant a better outcome for my sister. True happiness, a more promising future, a mentally stable and attractive husband.
I'm angry. Angry angry angry right now. I'm sorry, but I'm just not the type to step down and act like everything is okay. It's not okay. I don't like the bro-in-law, so hell if I'll act like I do.

The De situation has come crashing down and is proving to be a horrific mess. After he began ignoring me again after I told him I wasn't okay with sex without attachment at this point.. he called me yesterday to curse, threaten, and accuse me of screwing with his jeep. Apparently, someone threw some sort of drink all over the car. I'm assuming this happened during school, since he called me at about 3pm. I knew nothing about it, and ended up high-strung and nervous after his threats. No, I don't really think he would do anything to me... but I don't necessarily want to have to deal with this. Of course he wouldn't tell me who had told him I did it, but if he wasn't just trying to mess with my head, than apparently I have one more enemy than I thought.
He sounded so mad.

I've become engaged in a battle with my mother after she suddenly decided my New York vacation plans weren't okay. I don't know if she thinks I'll give up or compromise.. but it's not going to happen. I'm going on my vacation, I don't care what she has to say about it.

I had my aura photographed the other day, and it was so right. You take in with your left side and give out with your right. My left side was blood red, showing I'm taking in nothing but frustration right now.
I'm angry, unhappy, depressed, and frustrated. I can't take any more of this suburban bullshit. I'm about to crack. There's too much I want to do too soon. I can't become my mother. I can't compromise my life because of her fears.

~A

Sunday, February 05, 2006

Not About Love


56573094GS458_The_63rd_Annu
Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
She was head hostess
He manned the grill
A goth girl? A redneck?
... What the hell?

Fair skinned and quiet,
No one could guess
The fire within her
And that little black dress.

Strong and close-minded,
He judged by her clothes.
But it's never too long
Before attraction shows.

Held back by differences
Full of curiosity...
A battle of the senses
And social animosity.

Doomed from the get-go,
No matter their approach,
Somehow it ended.
Confusion? Anger? Woe?

Months came, and months passed.
It wasn't until.
She considered an arrangement
Of sex without attachment

Then he called and sent messages...
Just wouldn't give up.
Though she wanted it too,
She wasn't some slut.

So he tried to get laid,
And she tried not to fall
For his sexy persistence
And tempting call.

Once again, they fought.
She knew how to piss him off.
And once again, it ended,
Unresolved, and never mended.

~A

Thursday, February 02, 2006

your wicked words are working... holding me down


PIC00021
Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
Alright. So I'm freaking nice. In fact, I manage to give him the satisfaction of knowing the situation upsets me. But I know it doesn't matter.
In fact, I'm going to take a vacation. To get away from him, from work.. from everyone there. I haven't asked for any more than one day off the entire time I've worked there. I think I deserve my break.
Nearly every crush I've ever had has been the type that fades with separation. Give me a good chunk of time away from the person, and I'll pretty much forget about it. So I'm sure the only reason I've continued to notice De is that I see him nearly every night. I should give myself what I can... a week.. to clear my mind a bit. When I'm done posting I'm going to start surfing for some interesting road trip destinations.

As far as men in general go.. I'm going to take a hell of alot more time off. I discovered yesterday that it is now exactly six months until my birthday. I've decided to swear off men until then. Six months alone.. no dating, no hooking up, no sex, nothing. It will be a critical time to focus on more important things... like school, work, and getting the hell out of this house. So, since it's always when you stop looking that the boys start showing up.. I figure if I meet anyone I can simply pursue a friendship with them. If they're really interested, hopefully they'll understand and wait a few months. We'll know each other before we start dating.. and once that birthday comes along we'll have a foundation to build that relationship on. If I don't meet anyone, hopefully that type of thing will be off my mind and I'll be more centered with myself.

So anyway. I've got shit to do.

~A

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

rip out the wings


1130472060_f
Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
Ah, the power of young male libido. De has called me more times in the past few days then he has in the past year. I almost feel bad.. cuz he is SO not getting laid. Now that I have the chance, I realize I don't really want to. Plus, apparently he doesn't realize that people at work have respect for me.. hence when he gloats and tells them about what he "gets to do,".. then adds in a comment about how he treats me like shit and I still come back to him.. I'm gonna find out. And I'm not gonna be too happy.
It's amazing to me.. how after all the bullshit, I can still be nice enough of a person to feel like I should let him down easily. That doesn't mean I'm going to.

~A