Friday, March 31, 2006

he'll be there

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
I just returned from an amazing date. Everything just went so well between us, I'm left somewhat... surprised.
I sent Maggiano boy A a message earlier, asking when and where I would see him today. He ended up calling me, and we discussed things... ending up with the plan for me to call him when I left work so we could meet at Maggiano's. That call was the first time I'd ever heard his voice, and I just loved the boyish tone and sexy accent.
So I called him upon leaving Bricks, and told him I'd be there in about half an hour. I ended up running late, though, because I was talking to S as I was driving and was suddenly reminded by something she said that I was on my period and would definitely need to update the protection down there before ending up in the middle of a date.. bleeding all over myself. I ended up having to go to three different gas stations, none of which had bathrooms. 'Twas a bit worrysome, but I took the risk of going without, since I didn't want to keep him waiting too long. It wasn't a big deal, though. I mean... he had a bathroom at his apartment. (duh)
But anyway.
So it was a great beginning, because I pulled up to the front entrance of the restaurant, saw him standing on the sidewalk, pulled up, opened the door, and the first thing he said to me was, "I have a problem."
Oh dear god.
Turns out, he had just locked his keys in his car. So we ended up with a good amount of time to spend sitting around while we waited for the locksmith to get there and pop the door open. It was sweet, though, because he suggested we drive down to the park that was just a few blocks away. On the way, he said, mocking his key mistake, "Great first date, eh? Real romantic."
I smiled at him enthusiastically. So it was official... DATE.
It wasn't too long before everything was taken care of, so he had me follow him to the top of a nearby parking garage where you had to use a code to get through the gate a park in the Maggiano's employee parking area. He said my car would be safe there. So now I know the code. Heh heh.
Anyway. We ended up driving over to his apartment. The half an hour or so we spent talking and waiting for the locksmith had me liking and trusting him quite a bit. I mean, this guy is awesome. He's absolutely ADORABLE, has a great sexy smile, dresses pretty well, can carry on a conversation, is sweet, caring, respectful, and trustworthy.
I can't remember being treated so well by any guy. I don't think I've ever experienced a date like this one. We arrived at his place, he offered me a seat on the couch.. and he just went to work. He had music playing, he brought out a little table and set it with a well organized little plate of fruit, and poured us white wine. Music? Wine? FRUIT? OH MY GOD. He even brought me a stack of pictures to look through as entertainment while he set things up.
Somewhere along the line I asked for the bathroom, where I took care of the bleeding issues, wiped off my red lipstick, and put my hair up. When I came out, he had the history channel on the TV and had his laptop set up to show me a slideshow of photos of him in New York.
That was the date, mostly. We drank our wine.. got tipsy, and talked. Just talked up a storm. He has so many things to say... being from Russia, he compared our culture to theirs, and asked my opinion on political issues. We learned alot from each other. Turns out we communicate very easily.. and are fairly comfortable with each other already.
We were just sort of lounging around after a while, still a bit tipsy, and he started describing the first time he saw an ocean. I stared at him as he looked down, passionately remembering how beautiful it was to him and how badly he wants to live near it. It was this moment, when I realized I definitely had a thing for him. It was also right after this moment, that I watched him there... sitting on the floor in front of the couch I was on, that I wanted to crawl over to him and begin our physical relationship. I didn't, though. And he didn't make a move at all. Perhaps if we'd had more time, it would have happened. Instead, at about 1 AM my mother called. When he heard me asking what time it was, he got the impression that I needed to be home and hopped up to get his shoes on and head out. "Tell them we're leaving now," he said. A tiny wave of disappointment flowed over me. ~But... but..~ Oh well.
So we drove back to Maggiano's, and our thoughts drifted to our parting. Goodnight kiss? Any contact at all? I was actually planning to lean over to him before I got out of the car. I was hoping for a kiss... my physical attraction to him was growing by the second. Once he parked next to my car, though, I saw he was leaving it entirely up to me. He leaned back a bit and watched me as I gathered my purse to depart. I just said, "So you're going to call me, right? I had a really good time." He said yes, and agreed. So nothing happened. I left wishing something had, but telling myself that the wait and anticipation will make the experience even better.
I hope. Oh god I hope he calls me.
Now you see what I've gotten myself into?
Being alone was almost better. I didn't have to wonder if anyone would be calling. I knew they wouldn't. Now... the possibility.

I'm really going to try not to think about it.



Thursday, March 30, 2006

very special things

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
I'm baffled by how amazing this day turned out to be.
Things started out slow with some sim playing and a trip to Publix for my mother. B had woken me with a call to confirm our date for the night, so I planned to be ready to pick her up at five. We ended up having an amazing time.
First, we went out to the cinema in Green Hills and got tickets for Brokeback Mountain. She was a continuous form of entertainment for me, as she was fully afraid of taking the chances I took without a second glance, like trying to buy tickets for an R movie. Apparently they card you in Coolsprings, but I wasn't much worried. Everyone guesses I'm at least 20 anyway.
We had a couple hours before the movie, and ended up strolling around the mall, stopping in at MAC, and doing quite a bit of flirting with the various young men out and about.
The movie was extremely good, and I even managed to cry at the end. At times it seemed to be strung out, becoming a bit dull and making you want it to get to the next point already, but generally it was the best movie I've seen in a while.
After the movie I took her over to Cafe Coco. She had never been in the area before, and was totally awe-struck. Being stuck in Franklin and Coolsprings, she acted like a little girl being introduced to the world... all wide-eyed and impressed. Cafe Coco alone excited her, not to mention the large amount of males. She seemed to be in heaven. Then I laughed at her as we took a walk around the block. She wasn't prepared for passing dark alleys, and was a bit shocked when we went through a group of men in front of Exit/In and I got blatantly checked out and called to. As I turned back to reply to the calls of "come back here, baby, I think I know you" with a mocking look, she let out a quiet, "Oh my god." She's used to Franklin, where the boys are timid and tend to look at her first... the less intimidating, more preppy one of the two of us. "It's too bad the guys who are aggressive like that are never cute," I said, and she agreed, chuckling.
We had an awesome time.

I had her home by between 11:30 and midnight. Somewhere along the line, Maggiano boy A randomly sent me a text message. We began a casual conversation when suddenly, it turned with this question he asked me: "Annie, what is the purpose of life? What do you think?"
I tried to call him a couple times, entertaining fantasies of us meeting up at cafe coco and spending the night in deep conversation, beginning with my answer to this question. Unfortunately he didn't answer, so I continued with the texting. At that point I realized I may not want to be home, so I pulled into a parking lot, turned on some music, and reclined my chair. I'd say I spent a good 20 minutes there, relaxing and sending messages back and forth with A. It progressed quickly, and I learned things I could not have guessed about him.
Turns out, he's Russian. He's actually a student who's come here for a year, studying languages. HOW FREAKING COOL IS THAT!!!? I was steadily reeled in as he described the situation to me, then said, "I need your help. Would you please take care of me."
"What do you need?" I replied, ever so slightly worried.. but completely touched.
"Just oral practice," he said. This raised an eyebrow, although I must realize if he really is Russian and just learning English, he probably doesn't realize the ways my sexually perverted mind could twist this innocent comment.
"Of course I'll help you," I said, beginning to develop an eager compassion for him.
"See you tomorrow," he said, ending our discussion.
"Alright. Wonderful."

I'm so un-freaking-believably excited to see him. What are the chances? I just happen to drop a stupid flirtatious note on a table, only to meet this awesome, foriegn, multi-lingual guy who's apparently interested in traveling and experiencing other cultures. Plus, he's cute. Plus, he thinks I'm "the most beautiful girl in the world."

Could I possibly ask for more?


Wednesday, March 29, 2006

can love be measured by the hours in a day?

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
"I was so looking forward to not seeing you for a week."
I stared at De with a smirk as he absorbed my comment, clearly not surprised. Not ten minutes earlier he had come into Bricks despite having the week off for spring break, and had been standing at the end of the bar speaking with his mother, who was seated with a glass of some pink alcoholic drink. Now he had made his way to the hostess stand, and was speaking with new hostess Ca and I.
De didn't reply with a cutting comment, but simply muttered something like an explanation as he looked me up and down, smirked back.. and winked. I smiled and looked away, remembering how he had once described the suspenders I was wearing as 'sexy.' He then began talking to Ca, and I tuned out as I glanced around, taking note of how slim and attractive his torso looked in the navy blue tee he wore. There were white letters across his chest, but I didn't take the time to read them. Before long I had left them to greet and seat customers. He was on his way out by the time I returned, calling to his mother to say goodbye. The moment he was out the door, Ca turned to me and started describing their conversation.
Despite popular belief, it appears Ca and I will be getting along quite well. It all began when an awkward beginning to the night was shattered when she decided to speak the unspoken. "Do you think I like De?" she said, quite loud, and quite suddenly. So far his name hadn't been brought up between us.
Eyes widened in surprise, I laughed slightly, "Uhhh... well, I, don't....... I hadn't given it too much thought."
"I don't," she continued, "but everyone's saying I do since I talk to him so much."
I looked straight at her, locking with her gaze, and noticed a distinct concern in her eyes as she spoke. "It's just because he's the only person here that I know. You know?"
"Yeah," I said in an distant way. Then I decided to dive in and address the issue head on, just as she was wanting to do.
"It's just a big deal with everyone here, since De and I have had this weird, complicated thing between us for so long. When you came along and spent Saturday talking to him the entire night, it made everyone start saying how you're my 'competition' now," I shook my head in mockery of their assumptions and continued, "It's just entertainment for them, though, you know?"
"Yeah," she said and laughed a bit, "If you want him, by all means.. go ahead!"
I let out a hard laugh and shook my head, "No.. no. That's the thing now, I don't."
She continued, spewing forth lines, "I just didn't want you to think that I was going after him or anything if you like him. I could never date him. I didn't want you to hate me for it."
I continued shaking my head, assuring her that there was nothing to worry about.
"Plus, as much as he jokes about getting with me," she added, "He never really would. Wi would completely freak out and become suicidal."
This got my attention. I had been wondering about the situation, having heard about her ex-boyfriend Wi being one of De's best friends.
"Oh yeah," I said, "I was thinking about that. You said you dated his best friend for a year and a half, and I wondered why, considering that, De would go after you."
She nodded, and then began describing a complicated situation with Wi that involved jail time and future court dates. I had heard this latest gossip from waiter Ga when I had arrived at work, but hadn't been much interested.
"Oh yeah, I had heard about that, but didn't know if it was true." I said nonchalantly.
"Where did YOU hear it!?" she asked, surprised.
"From Ga." I said, pausing for a second, "Oh honey, you can't keep a secret in this place. The news and rumors spread like wildfire."

We talked easily for most of the night, and developed the beginning of a friendly relationship. She's open with me, and seems to like me enough, as I do in return. Her decision to address an issue that could have developed into a solid wall between us caused me to realize some respect for her. I'm now looking forward to getting to know her, and easily dismissing any jealousy, resentment, or misplaced distrust. We are two females who managed to not directly judge each other or allow a boy to come between us. It's amazing, I tell you. Absolutely amazing.


Sunday, March 26, 2006

I can't stop

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
Okay. So it finally happened.

I had a sex dream about my boss.

It was a few nights ago, and I hadn't given it much thought.. besides the initial 'eww' factor. But today while I was working my double shifts, the bossman was there all day.. and as time passed I started having flashbacks. Every once in a while I'd glance back, see him looking in my general direction, and *BAM* a vision of us in bed together would spring to mind. I believe I visibly shuttered in disgust a couple of times.
It definitely could have been worse, though. I mean.. it wasn't really a full blown sex dream, it was more a very inappropriate, suggesting sex dream and involved us in a bed, touching in ways that were just wrong, and playing footsie.
But my god. Of all bosses in the world, I'd be quick to believe bossman D is the worst to have a sex dream about. I don't find him the least bit attractive... and it's all.. just... WRONG.

Okay. So I just had to get that out there. Moving on.

Today as I was passing time between shifts I bought lunch at Wild Oats, then drove to the park to eat. I laid back in the carseat, played Damien Rice, and was all peaceful for a while. Then, stupidly, I decided to go fill up the gas tank and maybe stop by the library. If I had just stayed where I was, I would have been all at peace for the rest of the day... but I made the wrong choice.
So anyway, I was driving around a bit and decided to make a big circle through T's neighborhood and past Kroger to turn onto the road that the gas station was on. It's just easier to turn into it from that way. So, I was already a tad creeped out after catching a glimpse of the Kingdom Hall. It was the first time I've driven by and seen the parking lot full in a long time. Just the thought that there was a meeting going on gave me a sick feeling. Then, as I was passing T's house, I saw his aunt in the front yard. Weird feeling, since I haven't seen her.. or him.. or any member of his family in a REALLY long time. Then, as I was turning onto the road to get the the Kroger area, I glanced into a passing car only to see.. OF ALL PEOPLE.... ex-boy A. My jaw dropped as we caught glimpses of each other, and I think I muttered something to the effect of.."holy fucking hell." Do we need a refresher on who A is? He was one of T's best friends while we were dating, then I met A.. fell in lust.. and somewhere along the line ended up sorta cheating on T with A, then breaking up with him to spend a couple weeks wasting time and some serious first experiences on A. That time of my life was one of the lowest, most depressed I have ever experienced. A month later, I somehow managed to be forgiven and taken back by T.
So yeah. Can you say.. fucking blast from the past? Seeing him gave me a tiny rush, even though he isn't half as delicious looking as he used to be, but it only lasted a moment before I was completely freaked out. That boy hasn't even crossed my mind in, like, a year.
Eventually I made it to the gas station, filled up, and then realized I had locked my keys in my car. YES. Just what I needed. I ended up using the phone in the station, and having to wait a ridiculously long time out in the cold for my father to show up with the spare key. By then I had little time to get back to work.
I did end up talking to people while I was standing there, though. First a cowboy, who was totally hot and totally knew it, and was TOTALLY good at flirting. He knew just how to look at me in that way that just screams... SEX. The second an old black man, who gave me a sweet smile and only got $5 worth of gas. Then, the manager of the car dealership down the street. We talked about cars.

During the night shift De made a significant effort to bother me. I'm developing the suspicion that he's actually very, very smart. It's as if he has me completely figured out, and uses that to his advantage.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to figure me out? People who have known me my entire life are still struggling.
Anyway. He really got me when his mother and grandmother came in. I was super nice, and sat them in the nearest booth.. smirking at the memory of the night before, when he continuously asked me to save a booth for his grandparents in a certain section. I really, honestly tried to... but forgot to inform J, who sat the last booth right before they came in. De has not stopped harassing me about it since. So anyway, I was going about things when waitress H asked me to take water to them for her. Unfortunately, De had slipped into the booth with them.. and when I approached, they were apparently discussing the night before.
"IT WAS HER!" he exclaimed, pointing at me as I quietly set down the glasses. I looked at him, wide-eyed, and said, "What did I do?"
"Thanks for the booth last night," he said sarcastically. Totally shocked and not knowing how the hell to respond, I gasped, looked at H and said, "I TRIED!" and walked hurried away.
Can you say.... embarassing moment?
I can't even look at any member of his family comfortably. Every time his mother walks in I politely greet her only to have the thought, ~Hi, how are you, I slept with your son!~ So to be put on the spot like that, and to react in such an awkward way... I was mortified. I went on my way, trying not to let it effect me. Usually I can let these things slide off pretty easily, but somehow it stuck. De has never has any contact with me when his family was in the restaurant. To suddenly be pulled into the spotlight with all of them there was disturbing. I was wiping menus down when I looked up to see De and his mother looking at me. He gave me a teasing smile and waved, so I returned a cheeky smile. I was just waiting for him to leave the table and go back to the kitchen.. where I could get to him. Finally, he did. He was standing near the door to the kitchen, bossman D was closeby, and as I walked passed I caught De's eye and said quietly, "You are such a dick!."
"What?!" he said, and followed me.
He cornered me in the dish hole and asked, "What did I do?"
"Putting me on the spot like that in front of your MOM!? I mean, what the hell am I supposed to say to that?"
"I don't know.. how 'bout, sorry 'bout the booth, I fucked up?" he said.
"Oh yeah, in front of your GRANDMOTHER, say sorry I FUCKED UP!?"
He said something stupid about how she wouldn't care.
It was such an odd situation. Afterwards I heard H say, "Yeah, she's a weird-o," to the two women, and assumed she was referring to me. Oh god.
So this situation caused some hard thoughts to emerge.
A. Why do I care what De's family thinks of me?
B. WHY did I so openly let him know that I care what his family thinks of me?
C. Did he consider that, and did it freak him out?
D. When did I start taking offense at being called a weird-o?


Saturday, March 25, 2006

you're not invited

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
'Twas an interesting day.

I returned applications, walked aimlessly around the mall, went to work, then had a surprise visit from ex-hostess C which led to a night out at Cafe Coco.

I had organic maple and nut oatmeal for breakfast, tortilla chips with salsa and queso and cheddar cheese and sour cream and sprite for lunch, and coffee and french fries for dinner. I managed to be vegetarian, it seems.

Worked my first night with J tonight.. which went well. She's doing an amazing job. It also helped that we didn't get busy at all. Must be spring break that's taken everyone away.
De has decided to be all social with me again. It's beginning to piss me off, and I don't know how to handle it. I have the sneaking suspicion he's trying to get me to fuck him again. I have yet to decide how to react.
Apparently it's become a game of jealousy. I lie to him about my "boyfriend" and he openly flirts with every girl who has anything to do with Bricks. Fortunately the raging jealously I once felt towards any girl he looked at doesn't seem to exist anymore. I really, truly, honestly just wish he would leave me alone. I'm not even horny anymore.. the birth control has seriously lowered my libido, so it's not like I'm dying here.

Anyway. I've got time to waste... and I work a double tomorrow, so I'm sure to be thoroughly occupied. Oh yeah.. and B wants to go crazy this week since it's spring break, so I'll have to give her a call.

I'm still all confused... about this whole, having a life.. thing.


Friday, March 24, 2006

maybe for now

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
Okay. Everything seems to be going extroardinarily well for me right now. I'm seriously just waiting for it all to come crashing down. I can't believe I've actually had ANOTHER totally successful, accomplished day. It's freaking me out.

After having waffles made for me by S, I read the latest GQ and began formulating my agenda for the day. I was a bit worried that I wouldn't be able to get out, though. My mother has been recovering from surgery this past week, and sort of needs someone on call in case of emergencies. My father was back at work, so that kind of left me responsible. I discussed it with her, though, and made sure it was alright to leave her alone for a while. Then I got myself dressed (looking freaking AWESOME, I might add) and headed out to go a-hunting. Turns out it wasn't only jobs I would find... but an ocean of young, attractive men. They seem to have been out in droves today.
But anyway. I went to Downtown Franklin, and ran into ex-hostess C while walking, and picked up an application at The Shoe Boutique, a tiny shop that's hard to find and will most likely be going out of business shortly, just like every other place that's tried to be successful there. The girl was nice, although I'm finding it hard to remember her name... and it seemed like I could mold myself into the employee they're looking for. Young woman with style and a cool, friendly attitude. The owner will be in tomorrow, so I'm going back in the afternoon.
Then I went out to Coolsprings and took a long stroll around the mall. Sam Goody and Express caught my attention, so I talked to some people there and got applications. Then on the way to The Factory, I noticed a big NOW HIRING sign at Moe's Southwest Grill. On a whim I decided to check it out, only to see that McCalister's, which is right next to Moe's, was hiring as well. It also seemed like a place I'd be more comfortable at, so I stopped in there and actually ended up having an interview with the manager. She was excited about my availability, and told me that she was going to try to squeeze me into the schedule next week.. W, was her name, and she's going to call me tomorrow afternoon.

So.. yeah. That was way easier than I expected.

Now I'm just going to pass the time, then stop in at Bricks tonight for a visit. I guess I'll go in at 8:30 or so, once it's died down.


da da da

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
Despite a slow beginning to the day, I actually accomplished everything that I had planned to. It's a really... stabilized... feeling. I have plans tomorrow, too. Let's see if I manage to complete them... even though I have a teensy tiny knot of anxiety in my stomach when I think about job hunting. I really hate talking to people, and the act of trying to convince someone who's trying to run a business that you are a mature, responsible, trustworthy person to hire... is a daunting task. It requires alot of... talking.
I'm trying to work on that, though. Like today, since I have my LICENSE and I can DO SHIT, I went out to Cafe Coco alone for the first time. It was great. I kept some time to myself reading and writing... but after a few hours ended up meeting about 6 new people. I actually started a conversation with someone. I never do that.
I can't believe it. I'm actually taking steps to improve myself. I'm teaching myself how to be social. And two guys I met said I was pretty. And that's a nice thing to hear when you're feeling all....... neugh.

So. After hunting for a day job tomorrow, I'm going to stop in at Bricks to check the schedule, socialize with my people, and maybe have dinner. Just got news that J is starting work there. I'm all... surprised. But YAY. Someone I actually kind of know, who I think will actually do her job!
But it's weird, since she seems to faithfully read my blog. I don't think anyone I work with reads this.
Anyway. It was good to have the break from work, because now I'm actually excited about going back. It'll be good to be sucked back into that little world... be re-introduced to a bit of stress. Talk to waiter Ga, and B, and C, and De.... since I totally get to torture him now that he thinks I have a boyfriend.
Heh heh. But that's a story for another time.


Wednesday, March 22, 2006

you can't decide

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
Well, home again home again. And not entirely disappointed by that fact. I'd love to post a picture from the trip, but my over-zealous 'get shit done' attitude of the day has left me too lazy to go get the camera.

I suppose I'll start with the negatives of the trip, just so I can go ahead and get those out of the way. Basically, it was disappointing. I didn't want to get my hopes up, drive all day, and venture into a new state just to land smack dab in the middle of a clone of my hometown.. the one place I DID NOT want to be. We did things I'd do here, like eating out, bowling, and watching movies. The fact that I may as well have stayed home was severely depressing, and I spent a good amount of my time in North Carolina in S's brother's girlfriend's guest bed.
As for the positives, I greatly enjoyed the driving part. S and I took turns driving, and did so all day on Saturday to get there, and all day Tuesday, going through Gatlinburg and Pigeon Forge on the way back. There was something supremely envigorating about blasting music, and driving up to 85 on the freeway. A beautiful thing, I tell you... a beautiful thing.
The negatives led to positives, though.. because somewhere along the way I realized that in order to do some better traveling in the future, I'd have to take control of the situation. I'd have to get creative, save money, work hard, plan ahead.. and figure out where I really want to be. It was almost inspiring, in that I have this whole new hold on my life. And really, now I've begun to get shit done.

Like today.. I woke up at 10 AM, put my laundry in the dryer, made a list of ingredients I'd need for a healthy recipe I'd found in a magazine, groomed, took a shower, got dressed, folded and put away the laundry, went to Barnes & Noble and bought a travel book (1,000 Places to See Before You Die) and a healthy cookbook, stopped by Wild Oats for the stuff, went to Publix for the things I couldn't find, came home and made myself a healthy lunch (honey mustard chicken with asparagus and cous-cous... yes, I'm even trying new foods). Oh, and tonight I'm doing yoga... since I'm gonna keep up a workout plan now.
There's a special kind of feeling that comes with accomplishing things. I'm actually using my time away from work. Today is my last day spending any check money.. from now on I'm saving all of that and only spending tips. Tomorrow I'm going jogging/biking (whichever I feel like) on a trail in Fieldstone Park. After that.. once I'm cleaned up, I'm going hunting for a day job, then going to Cafe Coco for some time alone so I can do some research and planning... and maybe I'll stay for open mic. Friday, I'm doing yoga, job hunting, and stopping by Bricks for dinner and a quick schedule check. Saturday I go back to work.

It feels weird to have a life.


Friday, March 17, 2006

we offer a sacrifice

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.

Oh my God, I have problems.

'Twas a decent day. I spent a few idle hours with B, and had a smooth night at Bricks. Things came crashing down when I walked into the back parking lot only to see De's jeep parked there. He hadn't worked, but I was having sporadic thoughts about him, as I had spoken to him on the phone earlier in the day.
Seeing his jeep made me wonder where he was, why he was there, and what he was doing. Suddenly my content, calm plans for the night seemed ridiculous and I didn't want to leave. I gave myself excuses to stay longer, just to catch a glimpse of him if he left anytime soon. I left some things in the car, then walked over to Publix to hunt for some batteries I needed for the radio I use as my car's sound system. By the time I got back, he was gone. It was a little disappointed, but actually felt a little better. I hadn't found the right size batteries at Publix, so I drove over to Walgreens instead. I found the batteries, then got in the car and started working on replacing the old ones. I was having some trouble with the little plastic cover thingy, and was beginning to feel like a frustrated idiot, when a black jeep pulled up beside me. It was De. "Oh, you have got to be fucking kidding me," I muttered to myself. I stared at him, expecting him to glance up and see me. He didn't, though, and was absorbed in a conversation on his cell phone. Instead of walking past my car on his way to the front door of Walgreens, he seemed to disappear on the other side of the jeep. It took me a moment to realize he had walked the other way, and turned the corner leading to the back of the building. I fiddled with the plastic thingy some more, and sat there for a few moments.. contemplating things. Then I swiftly pulled out of the parking lot and went on my way, only to turn around in my neighborhood and go back... I was driven crazy with curiosity, wondering what the hell he was up to. Once I made it back, I pulled in just in time to see him walking towards a car with two other guys (young, cute guys I might add)... and I parked on the other side of the lot, trying to be inconspicuous. I sat for a moment, then turned and watched a white car drive out.. noticing De's head in the back seat. I wondered where he was going, and noticed the car had been stopped at a red light at the nearby intersection. Suddenly I realized, I could follow them. I paused, thinking it was an odd idea, then scrambled for my keys.. only to drop them. I didn't recover them until the light had turned green and I had no way of knowing which way they had gone. I was angry, confused, depressed.. wondering why I was reacting to him in such a way.. and so strongly.

Slowly, I made my way back to the house, and sat in the driveway.. desperately wanting to cry but not emotional enough to do so.

I am in dire need of a new distraction.

From a conversation in the dream I had last night: Guy: "Why are you being so nice me?"

Me: "I don't know. I guess I'm kind of like a guy... I'm only nice to you when I want to fuck you."


Thursday, March 16, 2006

why'd you do it?

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
Here's one of the shots from the photo shoot with the Delongs. I'm only posting one. It's definitely not the best, though.

Anyway. Got my license today.. 'twas amazingly easy. The guy didn't seem to care much, and everything went quickly. My first day with a license.. what did I do? Stayed home until about three, went to see S at the library (passed De on the way there), browsed the magazines at Barnes and Noble, filled up the gas tank, shopped at Publix for the trip, went to work, and came home. It was nice. Low-key, not very interesting.. .lacking creativity, but I was tired and had no frivolous money to spend anywhere interesting. B and I are celebrating tomorrow. I'm going to pick her up from school, and I'm sure we'll come up with a way to spend the 3 1/2 hours until I have to go to work. I'm surprised her mother was so quick to allow her to ride with me. For some reason the woman trusts me, of all people.

Tonight was a FRENZY at work. It started off slow, then completely blew up. We had a party of 20 at 6:30, and the exact moment they came in was the exact moment that EVERYONE else did. It was just me and new hostess S, so I was appropriately nervous, to say the least.
By the end of the night I was whipped, but extremely proud of my performance. I didn't fuck one single thing up. S listened to me, and we got along well. Things went smoothly, to my shock.

De has turned up the speed of the cycle, apparently. Tonight he went from the friendly greetings to flirtation... just like that. I shook my head at him and gave him angry looks, but I'm aware of the fact that I'm trying hard not to be loving the attention. I've had so many fantasies about that boy, they tend to end up all pent up and ready to explode. One tiny little touch could cause some serious hormonal warfare. I suppose I'll end up giving him a real hard time about this one, and REALLY make him work for it.
Hey.. at least I'm not in denial. I'm accepting the fact that I want him again, instead of desperately trying to convince myself I'm not the least bit attracted to him.
Who knows.. I could always change my mind.


P.S. Hey julie.. if you're still by any chance looking for a job, we need a new hostess. Let me know.

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

stick to the promise that you made me

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
I'm not sure what to say. Mainly because I have no idea what's been going on. I've spent the last few days thoroughly engrossed in The Sims. It's totally distracting. Like a drug... after a while of spending my free time in constructive ways, I began to feel the withdrawal. Now I'm back to pissing away life playing god of the little simulated people.

Well. I was out of the house yesterday to get my license. Low and behold, they've changed the system just in time for me... now you have to set up an appointment to take the road test. We unknowingly showed up without one, hence wasting a good half an hour or so driving there and back. My appointment is for tomorrow at 10 AM, though.. so that's good. I can't tell if I'm nervous or not. I'll be glad when it's over with, and I have no doubt that I'll pass. It's not like my life will change drastically or anything, I mean.. now it's just that all the driving I'm doing will be legal.

So Maggiano boy A is already getting annoying. He seems to be one of those cutesy people, and has taken to calling me things like sweetheart and princess. Eugh. I haven't had a single date or shared a real conversation with the guy.. and already he's pissing me off.
Speaking of being pissed off, though, De has begun acknowledging me again. Really, I would be totally satisfied if he could just ignore me and stick with it. Yet after our one night stand and the little fight that followed, he didn't just go ahead and forget that I existed, like usual. No.. he watched me, and caught my eye and held the gaze.. and therefore really made me mad. After rejecting me, I saw no reason for him to give me any attention at all. But now he's really gone and done it. Tonight, he actually talked to me. I found it unnecessary, considering that I've been doing amazingly well by ignoring him.. and have moved on surprisingly quickly. I was cold towards him, and continued to be uninterested as he asked me things and looked me square in the eye. But knowing him, this is just the beginning. I'm preparing myself for the process that may just take place again, the talking turning to friendliness, the friendliness turning to flirtation, the fliration turning into him wanting another quick, no-strings-attached hook up. I am yet undecided about how to respond. I think I'll simply do my best to stop the cycle, and keep us somewhere around the friendly stage. I have to admit, when there's nothing particularly intimate to deal with, he's can be a somewhat interesting, funny, entertaining guy. And I do like being friends with him. It's when it progresses, and things get more involved... that's when he becomes an asshole and I hate his guts.

Anyway. Friday is my last night at work before I have my week off. It's coming along quickly, and I keep forgetting that I'm actually leaving for a trip. I have to get my shit together. Find a bag to pack, wash and organize all my clothes, make some definite plans with S, buy some toothpaste. So far all we know is that we're staying two days with her bro in North Carolina. After that.... things are up in the air. I do think that's more fun, though. Figuring it out as I go is much more my style... I don't like plans. They usually don't work anyway. Tomorrow is my day. I have to get up, take the driving test and get my license, get my ass home and do the shitload of laundry I have piled in a corner in my bedroom, and start mentally organizing what to pack. Oh yeah, and get the tent out of the attic. Never know when you might need that.


Monday, March 13, 2006

I can take care of myself

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
Well, yesterday was surprisingly satisfying. Although I spent a chunk of time engrossed in a computer game, I still managed to feel as if my day off was sufficiently enjoyed. After wasting a few hours, I went out to dinner and had Mexican food that didn't make me sick, then rented a couple of movies. I was on the computer a bit more, waiting for the living room to clear out so I could watch Prime (unexpectedly good movie), and at about 11:30 I got a sudden text message. Surprised, I couldn't think of who it could possibly be. I decided it was probably S, maybe B... but to my shock, it was A, the bus boy from Maggiano's. I had completely forgotten about him, and as I saw the name above the message it took me a good few seconds to figure out who the hell it was. A tiny conversation ensued, and I just have to summarize what that boy said to me.
"I'm sorry I didn't give you a call, I was really busy. I'm still thinking about you. I'm sitting here, drinking wine.... thinking of how beautiful you are."


Yeah. Saying I was pleasantly surprised would be an understatement. God, what a perfect end to a day.


Sunday, March 12, 2006

allow me to be frank

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
So. Last night after a long and irritating shift at work, S and I went to see The Libertine. I hated it. It was fairly well done. The actors were awesome, and the story was an interesting one. But.. my problem arose when I realized I'd have to sit through half of the movie watching Johnny Depp limp around, greasy and pock-marked, skin flaky and hanging in nasty globs. I cannot think of another movie of Johnny's that ever left me the least bit repulsed at his appearance. The man is too pretty for the pox. That nose is too perfect to be allowed to rot off.
But seriously, despite the depressing effect the movie had, I was pleasantly surprised to have a visual reminder of the 17th century. Forever Amber, the book I'm reading now, is based during the exact time that The Libertine was. During the Restoration.. when Charles II is ruling again.

Anyway. Normally I would be at work right about now... staring blindly out the Blue Cactus window wishing I was somewhere else. I somehow, quite magically, managed to get my shift covered... and I've been ecstatic. What? A day off? For me?!
Funny thing is, not an hour or so ago hostess C called asking me to come in. Apparently a waiter didn't show up, and they could use an extra hand in case it gets busy. HA! NO.
I am sick of feeling like Bricks is the only place I ever go and work is the only thing I ever do.
I've had a pleasant day. My mother isn't here. The weather outside is magnificent, so all the doors and windows are propped open. I woke up at 11, had a Krispy Kreme, read a few chapters of my book. The last thing I want to be thinking about right now is Bricks or Blue Cactus.

I'm determined to make this day pass slowly.


Thursday, March 09, 2006

I must have left it on the table

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
I began the day with getting blood drawn at the doctor's office. That was lovely.
It improved a bit, though, when I got home and went for a long, vigorous bike ride around the neighborhood. I had planned to work on a shirt I've been trying to finish sewing for days now when I arrived home from that, but found myself much too tired to move. Therefore, I've been watching Dr. 90210 most of the afternoon.
I have to be at work in about 20 minutes. I didn't spend too much time on getting dressed.. and yet, I'm sitting here feeling pretty. Despite the fact that I'm dressed like a man. Sort of.
I've developed an extremely odd pattern concerning my style. Last night, I was particularly girly. Hair down and pushed back with a black plastic hair band thing, a short-sleeved long-cut stretchy shirt, a brown/black/orange plaid a-line 50's skirt, black stockings and heels of some sort. Tonight, I'm all.. androgynous. Hair in a bun, a black crop top over a white undershirt over a gray undershirt, with extremely baggy black dress pants, black belt, and solid black converse.
I haven't been putting much thought into my clothes lately.. just sort of throwing on whatever my hand lands on when I wake up in the afternoon. But I believe I've reached a point of no definition. Which, really, should be the best place to be I suppose.


Tuesday, March 07, 2006

hey playgirl

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
I went to Bricks for dessert last night, believing that I'd have tonight off.. hence spending at least ONE NIGHT away from that restaurant this week. Yet, of course, since the moment I woke up this morning B has been calling me repeatedly.. in a maniacal fashion, leaving messages begging me to take her shift tonight. She doesn't feel good. Again. I may be her best friend, but I'm sorry... my sympathy has dried up. That girl has piled so many shifts onto me and C, saying she doesn't feel good, or her parents are out of town so she doesn't have a ride. It has gotten to the point where C and I are more than skeptical. I probably will work for her tonight, even though I was planning to spend that time planning my vaca with S, but hell if I'll make this easy for B. She's gonna have to make a few more calls, and fucking work for my time.

I just did something completely out of the ordinary. Being bored, I grabbed the bicycle on the back porch that my mother has somehow acquired. I don't remember the last time I was on one of those.. had to be years ago.. but I took a ride around the block, then decided to drive down to the Fieldstone park and check out some trails along the river I could ride on. I ended up hiking quite a distance, and throwing some jogging in there. I've been wanting to start working out a bit more lately. Now that I'm on birth control I run the risk of putting on weight, so I'm paranoid about what I eat and how little I get up off my ass and move around. I have a weird thing about running or biking on streets.. I don't like the feeling that I get when a car passes, like they're watching me. So I think the trail I found it perfect. It's a bit separated from civilization. I think I'll make this a habit to get some cardio in.

I think I'll do a bit of reading. I'll give B a call at around 4.

(she's called twice since I started writing this. that's about 15 calls in all)


Sunday, March 05, 2006

breeze drifting on by

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
Leaning on the hostess stand at Blue Cactus this monring, I was passing my idle time with a novel I'd bought the week before. Every few minutes I'd glance up to check the parking lot, on the off chance some potential cusomters might be approaching. Country music I've developed an immunity to played quietly above, and a child's scream emanated from the one occupied booth in the restaurant. All was fairly peaceful. For me, however, things were about to be shaken. My bored yet content little world was about to be destroyed.
Pausing my reading for a sip of tea, my eye was caught by a family of four crossing the parking lot. I turned to watch them, only to notice a small puff of smoke rise. With closer observation, I saw the father, a rather unattractive hill-billy-ish old bastard clad in an orange shirt and jeans. He was casually smoking. What ruffled my feathers, though, was that he was carrying his very young daughter on his left hip, and each exhale of smoke was blowing directly into her face. The man didn't seem to notice and had a disturbing lack of concern. He just kept on smoking as they waslk, oblivious to the light breeze carrying each toxic puff into his daughter's innocent face. My heart dropped as I watched the little blonde girl reach up and rub her eyes in silence. I looked to the father's right, where his wife was walking, holding their son's hand. She was a heavy woman in blue horizontal stripes, whose hair matched the shade of her children's. I waited, watching her face as the husband offered her a drag. Surely she would object, or at least notice the problem. Instead she simply took the cigarette from her husband and sucked in a small puff, then handed it back as all the excess smoke wafted to her left.. towards her child.
I'm not usually one to be strongly judgemental. When it comes to children, I keep my distance and don't become emotionally affected or concerned. This situation, however, really jolted me. I was angry as their irresponsibility. My heart wrenched each time the little girl wiped her eyes in discomfort. I felt, almost powerless.. wanting to change things, stop what was happening.. while there was nothing I could do.
I myself am a bit of a social smoker. But my God. Seeing what I saw made me want to quit altogether. If I developed an addiction.. was so consumed by the habit that I could be so crude as to compromise my own young child's health and comfort.. I'd deserve to be stripped of any respect I'd required.
I stood there, hoping it was a fluke.. a one time mistake. This is reality, though, and I can now imagine this happening every day in so many families. What a sick, sad place this world has become. I continue to realize that I can't just expect people to be relatively intelligent, decent, and sensible any more. Those people are becoming more and more few and far between.


Friday, March 03, 2006

how long has this been going on?

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
It's definitely been an up and down kind of week. From total depression to total happiness, blatant rejection to ecstatic praise... the universe can't seem to decide how to treat me.
Today is promising, though. Something like a calm acceptance, a simple dose of contentment.. seems to have settled.

I didn't think things could get worse with De. But to quote a character from The Good Girl, "As long as you can say you've hit rock bottom, you haven't." Things blew up horribly, in a disturbing way.. and I cried about it for the first time in several months. Stupid ass-face. I just wanted to use him, dammit.

Yesterday I had a photo shoot at Delong Photography in Nashville. Since I knew the people and felt comfortable, it went amazingly well. Seeing a few of the photos, I'm psyched, to say the least. I can really use them for my portfolio.. I mean, they just prove that I can fucking model, bitches. Yeah. I can work it. No matter the odd positions, back-breaking poses, uncomfortable clothes, disturbing hair-do's... bring it on. Mix that with an awesome photographer.. you have art.

So anyway. After the shoot, S offered me a ride and we ended up going out for a bit of a celebratory dinner at Maggiano's Little Italy. We got a freaking amazing table, with a full view of one of the dining rooms and a nice chance to check out a couple of cute employees. The first was the guy who poured water for us, and set up the little plate of olive oil and bread. He seemed to be the bus boy as well or something. He had blonde hair, a cute face.. he looked young. The other was a waiter, I believe.. with dark hair and dark features, and a killer stare. He brought us our dessert and noticed that I needed a fork.
I managed to carry on a bit of continuous eye flirting with both of them. The blonde guy, who we'll call A, was my favorite, though.. and as we got our things together to leave I spontaneously decided to leave him a little note on the back of our receipt. ..: "For the guy who filled our water glasses... A? You're cute! Call me.. (615) 969-**** ~Annie"
I suppose I figured... what the hell? Why not. If he calls, cool.. if he doesn't, so what? It's not like I'll ever have to see him again.
Believe it or not, though.. I actually heard from him. Today at about noon, he sent me a text message saying thank you for the 'you're cute' comment and saying he would call me. Holy shit.
This is good, though. I could use a date. A chance to move on from certain things, a chance to hang out with someone new.

That reminds me of something else, though. Former kitchen boy C has been keeping in touch with me since he left Bricks... wanting to remain friends. Now he's asked me to round up some people to hang out with.. De included on the invite list. I told him I would try to make things work, but... I wish I didn't have to.

Anyway. I recently learned how to knit.. and have hence begun making a mini-skirt for Edi. :) I may do a bit of work on that before work. Either that or a sewing project I'm doing for myself.
It's just good to be up... to have something to do.