Wednesday, April 26, 2006

try to be the sweetest candy


lust
Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
I feel so gross right now. Embarassed, too. The question keeps running through my head, currently unable to come out and be presented at some poor, unexpecting female.... "Have you ever started your period during sex?"
~shutter~
I'm just going to sit here, try my best to forget, hope it didn't gross HIM out, and remember to be more careful next time.
I knew it was coming, but thought I could make it through without a problem.
-WRONG-
Oh well.
At least it wasn't our first time together or anything.

You know what I find funny, though. Is that I couldn't say anything about it to HIM today. Last night, as De pestered me, I was easily able to tell him it was nearing my time of the month. No problem, no embarassment. But HIM.. no, couldn't say a word. It baffles me that I'm so much more comfortable and open with De when we don't even have a real relationship. HE and I, we've been friends for a while and have now become more. Wouldn't that seem to make it easier to be open and honest?

I have problems. Maybe I'm just not a relationship type of person. Maybe I should just drop this whole idea of finding "the one." Maybe I'm just one of those people who doesn't have ONE, and is better off going ahead and completely disregarding what society has convinced me is normal and healthy... this whole, illusion, of a one and only that you marry and spend the rest of your life with. I mean, fuck that. There are WAY too many options out there.

I've never been ashamed of who I am. Why should I start now?

~A

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

lost on 3rd street


PIC00022
Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
I hate men.

I love men.

I hate sex.

I love sex.

I hate beauty.

I love beauty.

I hate desire.

I love desire.

My upper lip is raw from kissing an unshaven cheek.

My neck is dappled with purple from a strong, teasing mouth.

My body aches and burns with memories.


And I just can't decide.

Of course the one and only rule HE set is the hardest thing for me to avoid. De. De and my unexplainable attraction to him. I just love the way he attacked me in the back room tonight.. grabbing my arm and yanking me back against him, saying I should hang out and wait for him to get off work. Instantly, I was ready to jump on him and take advantage of that eager, sexy body. Even before he had me pressed against the shelves, before we wrestled over his hat and I braced against the wall as he held me from behind, before he unbuttoned the front of my shirt and said it looked better that way...... I was fantasizing about him. Remembering the way he looked in that little goth outfit I made him wear, thinking of all the things I have yet to do to him but would love to try.
And I know I can't have the best of both worlds. Someone, somewhere along the line is going to find out.
With HIM... I don't know what to expect. It's promising, and he continues to pursue me after the last couple of nights we've spent together. But with De, I already know. I've already been there. And I already know I'm comfortable with it. It's easy, fun, simple, and free of complications... not to mention HOT.
Maybe I don't want something real right now.
But maybe I will soon, and blowing that oppurtunity now will hurt me in the future, not mention hurt HIM now.

~sigh~

~A

Monday, April 24, 2006

over my head


johnny196
Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
My goals for today are:
A) Get my laundry done and my heaps of clothing organized.
B) Take a shower.
C) Get work done on what WAS going to be my prom dress but will now just be a dress since I was short the $45 freakin' bucks for a ticket.
D) Try to resist going over to HIS house.
E) Enjoy my one and only day off this week.

When my sister moved back in she found tons of clothes she didn't need/want, and therefore passed them all on to me. So since my room was already covered in crap, now it's even worse... piles and piles of clothing. I need to sort it all out and figure out what to keep, what to wear, what to cut up or use for fabric, and what to throw out. It should be a long process.

So, as far as HE goes... well, I'm evil. Last night he asked me to stop by, so I did...... only to tease the hell out of him. I refuse to just jump into anything right now, especially any type of sexual relationship. So as I torture him with my limits on how far we can go at any certain point, he respects my wishes but groans about this "cruel and unusual punishment."
I just don't know what to do. I do like him, but not in a head-over-heels kind of way. I find him attractive, but by no means am I infatuated and lustful at the sight of him. Yes, I'm horny beyond belief at the moment, but that doesn't mean I'll just jump on anyone. So I'm kind of undecided right now. He seems to genuinely like me.. not just as some sex object, but as a person. So I can't figure out if I'm leading him on or not. I don't want it to end badly.. as in him falling for me and me ending up dumping him for someone else.
I'm just having this slight moment of realization. I keep finding myself involved with older guys.. but someday, I'm going to be their age.. and I won't be able to date guys my age. See what I'm saying? I should take advantage of my current ability to have fun with these young guys. I just wish I could find one I can actually connect with.
Blah, I don't know. I should just go with the flow and see what comes along. It's easy to forget that I'm so young and have so much more life to live.

~A

Sunday, April 23, 2006

we rode on horses made of sticks


acetonetryk-
Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
There's far too much happening right now. I don't even know where to begin.

My lust for De has basically.. exploded.. now that I'm dating someone who's only request is that I NOT SLEEP WITH DE AGAIN. Anyone but De. So now, suddenly... I want him more than anything.
So the semi-bad feeling I had about beginning a relationship with his person remains. I don't doubt I will break the one and only rule. As usual. Not to mention, that if anyone at Bricks finds out... we are both SO dead.

But that's not the only thing. There's also the 35 year old, who's walked into my life again. I can't help but be attracted to and interested in him, despite the madness that would be a relationship with him.
Then there's Maggiano boy, who I continue to miss and wonder about. His messages are sporadic but inspire hope.
Then there's Cor, the guy I met at Cafe Coco the other day when man hunting with my sister and S. I'm supposed to meet him today, but see myself trying to get out of it.
Is that it? Perhaps I'm forgetting someone.

There's just been too much happening. When you go from 0 to 5 men within a few days, it can get stressful. Especially for me... someone who doesn't have a huge amount of friends and tends to keep her social circle small. When things expand so suddenly.... I'm just not equipped for this kind of thing.
I had two dates in the same day on Friday. Neither were planned or expected... but both were fairly serious.
Do you have any idea what an odd feeling that is for me? My emotions have been absolutely fried.

I just want to stop thinking.
And I want my phone to stop ringing, damnit.

~A

Friday, April 21, 2006

my dirty little secret


K-susanne
Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
Okay, so I had my chance to ride out the pride of speeding like a maniac and not getting pulled over once. Now, that untouchable feeling that comes with getting away with EVERYTHING has been bruised. I got pulled over. 67 in a 50, at 11:30 pm.. half an hour after the graduated license time rule thing. I was with my sister and S... amazing how every really bad thing that's ever happened to me while driving, happened when my sister was in the car.
It's cool, though. I was surprisingly calm, handled it well, and have managed to remain rather indifferent. I mean, yeah.. it sucks that I have to go to court, but I'll survive.

I have so much to say, but my sister is in the room trying to sleep. So I shall now cease my incessent typing.

~A

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

move it


gunnild-onani-kopi
Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
So now that I've begun my day job, I realize that I'm working seven days a week. I worked Monday and Tuesday mornings at The Shoe Boutique, and now have to work Wednesday through Sunday at Bricks. I also have a shift at the shoe place on Saturday afternoon, so that should be a busy day all around. B offered to take my shift on Thursday, but I turned her down. After having $350 taken out of my bank account for that damn car repair, I'm more then ready to put in some serious hours. Work is my focus right now. I have to get my funds back to something more acceptable.
Turns out the job at the boutique is going to be even easier to do than I expected. I learned how to work the register yesterday.. and it took me all of, oh, 5 minutes.
It's also been getting me out of bed in the mornings, which is an interesting change of pace. I actually woke up at 8 or 9:30 today.. and I didn't even have to. Granted, I did go back to bed and didn't budge until noon, but that's not the point.

~A

Monday, April 17, 2006

never ever ever gonna let you go


boy
Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
I just arrived home from my first day at the new job, and I'm all satisfied. Things went well... we had all of two customers in the two hours I was there, so Con and I spent the majority of the time talking. TALKING TALKING TALKING TALKING TALKING TALKING TALKING. That girl will talk your ear off if given the oppurtunity. I like her, though. Ironic as that may seem.
I think I'm going to like this job. It's so incredibly slow, that I can simply take a book in and hang out until the shift is over. I think I can handle it.

Found out that the car repair will be over $600... half of which I have to pay. I don't exactly have that laying around, but I'll have to come up with it. But whatever. Life's a bitch, eh?

I have the entire day to do as I please. I'm not sure what I'll be up to. I'm not used to being up at this time of day. I do have a shitload of clothes to dig through, since my sister has given me bags and boxes of hand-me-downs... so maybe I'll straighten up and organize things.
I'm supposed to be getting my shoes today, as well. 2 pairs from Zappos, I'm dying to get them.. it's freakin' exciting.
~A

Sunday, April 16, 2006

I like to move it, move it


PIC00013
Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
Sometimes I just wake up with this sinking feeling... like there's something I should be bad, or uncomfortable, or worried about. Usually, it's for a good reason.. and within a somewhat short amount of time I'm able to remember what it is that's bothering me. But... not today. Today I'm up, I've had that sinking feeling since I woke up, and I have no idea why.
I mean, it could be that the way De's acting is bothering me, but that's become pretty easy for me to get used to, so it seems I'd be over it by now.
Perhaps it's that my sister's moved back in, and her and the soon to be ex bro-in-law have made a divorce agreement. That's a positive thing from my perspective, though, so that's probably not it either.
Maybe it's my car... I've felt horrible about it since it happened, and I'm worried about getting it repaired... particularly the cost. But I managed not to think about it too much yesterday, and driving my dad's truck has turned out to be okay. So maybe that's not it.
I don't know what it is.
In fact, I should be happy. I went out with B last night, and we had a good time. I talked to Ty, who is clearly still mad about me... who wouldn't be flattered? AND I talked to maggiano boy as well, who was enthusiastic about us going out again when he gets a day off. He sent me a kiss over the phone. Somewhat cheesy, but painfully cute... and capable of making me horny.

~A

Saturday, April 15, 2006

everything is all that I need


vampyr
Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
Okay. So nothing is going as planned.

What once was, "Why is De ignoring me!!!??" has become, "Why ISN'T De ignoring me?"
The boy is freaking me the hell out. The one time I've actually fully prepared myself to ignore and be ignored, he's paying attention... talking to me... complimenting my hair.

Son of a bitch.

Last night, B and I planned on having a HELL of a night out. We made our way to Coolsprings to check the movie schedules... none of which were appealing. So then, Cafe Coco was on the agenda. I made the mistake of deciding to take a short cut and go over the pass. The pass, which is a strain on my car... poor little Oatzle. Usually, though, I make it over okay. This time.... I didn't. About halfway up the steep hill, I felt Oatzle slowing down, and his engine was revving in an unnatural way. Luckily, I spotted a little driveway and was able to turn around. A burning smell rose up, and I noticed that a smoky substance was rising from the edges of the hood. So I went back down, thinking I'd take the long way around... only to realize that the car was clearly disabled. Every time I tried to move, the engine revved but there was very little movement. So I pulled over, and my mother just happened to call at that moment. So my father came out to help, and we ended up just having to come home. His diagnosis, is that the clutch is burned out. Whatever that means.

So my car broke down, which left B and I stranded. After I begged to borrow my mom's car, we were able to go to the grocery store for food, but could go no further.
B and I were laughing the entire time.. just in utter disbelief. "This is going to be a great memory," we kept telling each other, slipping into hysteria.
As we pulled up to Kroger, I said, "I bet you anything we'll run into someone we know." I wasn't serious, of course. But after we strolled around for a while, soon deciding to actually cook something instead of heating up some crap TV dinners, we found ourselves in line. There was a surprising amount of people there, considering it was nearing midnight. We picked up steaks, a box of scalloped potatoes, some sprite, and krispy kremes.. and I was losing my mind, laughing uncontrollably at the way B had said, "Potatoes." We were the loud, obnoxious teenagers at the moment.. making noise while the other shoppers did their best to ignore us. Then, low and behold, just as I was bending over and holding my stomach to suppress a severe giggle, B said, "Oh my God.. it's De!" I looked up, just as he noticed us, and let out and involuntary, "OH FUCK!"
He glanced our way, but considering the amount of people around... decided to act as if he didn't know us. We laughed incessantly as he picked up a four-pack of toilet paper, then made his way to the pharmacy area. What really got us, though, is that not 10 minutes earlier he had sent me a text message, asking if I wanted to fuck. I had said I couldn't, but didn't manage to expain why.
So once we were out in the parking lot, we looked for his jeep.. noticing two people in the passenger seat, a guy, smoking.. with a girl perched uncomfortably on his lap. We went to the car and waited for De to emerge. When he did, I sped up and screeched to a halt beside him.
"HEY DE!" we squealed. He leaned on the open window, eyes roaming over us with subdued amusement.
"What are you up to?" I asked him.
"Going over to Ch's house. Not the Ch you know, another one," he explained.
"Oh. What do you need toilet paper for?" I asked, being nosy.
"Well, he just moved into this new place so he asked me to pick some up," he said.
"Oh. Well guess what!" I said, smiling in an exaggerated way as B sat quietly, smirking.
"What?" he asked.
"My car broke down!!" I exclaimed.
He had a slight moment of realization, "Ah," he said with a hint of disappointment, "Of course it did."
"Yeah," said B, finally chiming in, "That's why we're here instead of in Nashville."
"What would you be doing in Nashville?" he asked.
"Cafe Coco," I said simply, and he raised his eyebrows in recognition.
"Right," he said, giving us an odd thumbs up and moving away from the window.
So we said our goodbyes and made our way home.. surprised that the night had managed to get even wierder.

I managed to remember how to cook a damn good steak, so we had a good dinner and watched TV. Then I put a couple purple streaks in her hair before we both crashed in bed. We didn't get up until about 11, and I took her home shortly after.

I'll have to be driving my parent's cars until mine is fixed. We can't even take it somewhere until Monday, since everything is closed this weekend. Perfect fucking timing, eh? Work tonight, and I start my new job on Monday at 10 AM! Plus, I just went on that shopping spree the other day... blowing all my extra money. So I'll have to be cutting into my funds even further to pay for half of this repair.
Life lessons, you know?

Fucking life lessons.

~A

Friday, April 14, 2006

fuck


en-engel-m-cig
Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
Okay, so I have to say.. the father's previous family visiting wasn't so bad. This time, since the kids were along, I was preoccupied with them, therefore not required to socialize with the ex-wife and son. Well, at least until the 12 year old, Le, begged me to dye his hair green. Then I had to ask the ex wife, who responded with a simple shake of her head. "Sorry, kid... not happening."
They arrived just as S and I were about to wash the bleaching stuff out of our hair, so it was a classic case of bad timing as we raced to finish our dye jobs. Mine is now blue... hers is purple.
I know, we're awesome.
So anyway. At first I was surprised at how well the kids entertained themselves here. First, they attacked my Sims game, which just happened to be running. I freaked out momentarily... ~I'VE BEEN WORKING ON THAT FAMILY FOR A FREAKING MONTH!~ But decided not to say anything... it's a computer game, I'll get over it. Then they discovered the X-Box, and as I was crawling around the back porch searching for Edi, who had gotten her tail slammed in the bathroom door in our panic, Le looked at me, wide-eyed, and said, "Who owns the X-Box!?"
"I do," I said simply.
"I have games in the car."
"Cool. Go get 'em."

So people ordered pizza, and me, S, and my sister went to Publix to pick up some Coke and various kid-friendly food things. 'Twas the first time I've ever bought Cocoa Puffs.
After just about everyone went to bed, Le seemed dead-set on hanging out with S and I. He seemed to like me, and latched onto the idea of calling me blue-hair.
I know, I may not be fond of kids... but at that age 10-12, they're fond of me. I realized why a while ago when I was talking about how surprised I was that bossman D's daughter liked me so much with B. She replied, quite intelligently, that it's because I don't know how to act around children... so I just talk to them like they're adults, and they appreciate that.
So anyway, after Le spent a good amount of time staring at my door, which is covered in various poems, photos, and art pieces.. very few of which are child friendly, I suggested we play X-Box. Le took control, demanding that we play GoldenEye, and that I be on his team. A few minutes into it the younger one, age 10.. St, came in and sheepishly asked if he could play.
I don't know. Maybe I hate to admit it, but I liked spending time with my nephews. Or, step nephews or half nephews or whatever you want to call them. They were pretty cool kids, and as I sat there... absorbed for the first time in years in that fun, carefree, childlike atmosphere, I had the vague idea cross my mind that it would have been nice to have a brother.
At about midnight my father came in and demanded everyone go to bed or leave the room, since he was moving to that couch. The kids went to the living room, where their father was on the couch and they camped out on the floor. S and I sat on my bed for a moment before leaving for her house, where we hung out, got completely stoned, and talked nonsense while perched on the counters in the kitchen. I just got back about an hour ago.

So anyway. Back to real life.

I start my new job on Monday, at 10 AM. Oh joy... now begins the real job era, where I actually have to get up in the morning.
B in dead set on hanging out tonight after work, so we're trying to figure out what to do.

This is just a good day. As I was driving home in the beautiful weather, I just had a moment of completely and totally appreciating my life as it is at this moment. Not wishing for more, or thinking of the past or future... just living in the best way possible for a minute or two.

Beautiful.

~A

Thursday, April 13, 2006

it just had to be


garrett_hedlund_01
Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
I slept late today, waking at odd moments with a sinking feeling. Something kept pulling me down, telling me I did not want to get up and face life again. When I finally did decide to get the fuck up, I laid there for a moment.. wondering what the hell it was I was supposed to be feeling uncomfortable about. My mind turned slowly, conjuring up vague ideas. It was a moment or two before De came to mind, and the odd situation we have with the leather collar I loaned him. I knew that wasn't it, though, because I had decided not to care. Then finally, I came around to realizing that.. oh yes, I went to the Kingdom Hall last night. Oh yes, there was that distraught, freaked out feeling that overwhelmed my mind and body as I walked into that place. Oh yes, there just happened to be ONE seat left, which just happened to be directly behind T and his family. It was all too familiar... all unchanged... the same. Teal material on the chairs.. speckled carpet.. depressing and tasteless design scheme, harsh fluorescent lighting. I had that same, distinct feeling of sticking out among all the navy suits, conservative dresses, and painfully normal haircuts... the only person there with a particularly unique way of dressing, doing my makeup, acting, walking... it wasn't a pleasant reminder. In the real world, people get used to you. In the Kingdom Hall, you're always BAD.
I sat there, trying desperately to listen, but continually losing myself in thought. It's as if my entire being was repelling what the drab, boring, droning man on stage had to say. There were a couple of times when I had distinct reactions.
First, when a prayer was said over the bread. Even a simple thought of prayer hadn't crossed my mind in what felt like lifetimes, and to hear it... feel that energy that came down over everyone as they lowered their heads, my eyes welled with tears. There was a battle within me, though. Was this real? Were these people actually making a connection with God? Do I believe in God? Or is it just as I suspect? Is this an empty, meaningless act? Are they just bowing their heads and speaking to nothing?
The other reaction came after the bread and wine was passed, and the speaker closed the talk. He began decribing in avid detail what Jesus would be experiencing that night, thousands of years ago. I felt an expression of distaste form on my face. I couldn't remember any past memorials in which the speaker had done this... making sure to pound the image of a tortured, bloody christ into our heads. Soon my distaste turned to disbelieving humor. I actually had to stop myself from bursting into laughter as this guy was talking about the pain God's son experienced. Not that I found that amusing, but because of the way he was explaining the details. "Thanks," I thought, "That's exactly what I wanted to have seared onto my brain as I leave church tonight."
Although I was uncomfortable and feeling fairly closed off to my surroundings, I attracted attention. The second the last prayer was said, I grabbed my purse and stood up only to find T's mother looking right at me. "Hey Annie! You were right behind me the whole time!" she said, smiling and speaking in her familiar soft, light voice. I smiled back at her, and we managed a quick, awkward conversation. Then I looked over to see T watching me. He asked me how I was, and we started talking. He looked exactly the same, spoke exactly the same. I couldn't help being swept right back into the memories of countless conversations just like it. A few times he made a little movement or spoke in a certain way that was so exactly the same as before, that I couldn't help but chuckle at the sweet but sad way he's always communicated with me.
Since I had come alone, I was surprised to see my sister there. I caught her eye across the room and waved, then asked T if the bro-in-law was there. "Yep," he said, pointing obviously at him, "Right there." I glanced at him, deciding to pay no more attention, and continued taking in the scenery. S was there, but slipped out before I even managed a second glance. I saw several familiar faces, and some from the past that I never expected to see. I saw Dev, with his wife and son. He was the only person I planned to talk to that night. After that, I was determined to make a quick exit.
So I talked to T a bit more, although we slipped into an uncomfortable silence fairly quickly... just like before. Two of his friends, Ev and Jos, came up to discuss video games with him. I talked to Ev, since we used to go to school together and at one time had respect and liking for each other. I hadn't seen him in so long, it was scary to see how he'd changed. As for Jos, we didn't have much to say to each other. The only time we've ever had any connection was way, way back when I was about 9. His older brother and my older sister were friends, and decided to introduce us to each other. The introduction never actually happened, though, because the moment we noticed each other we were completely swept up with infatuation. It was instant, and continued for quite a while. I suppose we just forgot about each other after a while, but it was fun while it lasted. It gave us something to do during the meetings... playing a game of glancing at each other and jumping when our eyes met, stomachs churning.
After saying hello to a few more people and making my way out, I just sat there in my car... unsure of what to do. It all seemed so pointless. I couldn't figure out why I was there, or how I felt about seeing T.
The questions are still lingering, and I'm debating about whether to face them or not.

As for today, however, I have plenty of ways to distract myself. Inspired by how fantastic my sister's hair looked last night, dark with streaks of vibrant pink, I've decided to put the odd colors in my hair that I've wanted for so long. I'm making a trip to the mall today to do some research on possible colors.
At some point I have to call the owner of the boutique to find out when I start work.
Oh, and I was recently informed that the father's ex family is coming back through... this time with his son's two sons... aged 10 and 12. GAG. I don't do children, and I'm dreading tonight like crazy. CHILDREN IN THE HOUSE!!!!! AAAAAAAAAGGGGHHHHHHH!!! I was the last child in this house... over 5 years ago. Since then, not one has stepped foot in here. I'm getting chills.

~A

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

looking dismal


CY-cyan-sille-og-lille
Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
I watched Four Brothers last night. I've been wanting to see it since it first came out, but didn't get around to it until now. It was an amazing movie. Of course, the one guy I was lusting after through the entire film (aka skinny, dark, sensitive, artistic white boy.. aka Jack... JACK, come on.. even his NAME makes me horny) ended up being killed. I almost cried.

I woke up at a decent hour to an empty house. I don't remember the last time I've experienced that luxury of silence and solitude. But I had shit to do, and after a shower was pulling myself together and planning my day. I drove over to The Shoe Boutique, and was lucky to find Con, the first girl I met who worked there and who I instantly liked. She seems to like me quite a bit, too, so finding her there was comforting. We discussed the job and all that it would entail, I asked her about dress code. (there isn't one.... AAAHH!! yes!) It went well, so I'm calling the owner tomorrow to see about a starting day.

After that I had quite a bit of time, and thought about driving to Cafe Coco for some time alone to work on the letter I've been trying to finish for a freaking week. I made it about halfway there, though, only to find myself stuck in stand-still traffic. I ended up sitting there, sweating, listening to Red Hot Chili Peppers (NOT good traffic music... save that for open roads) before making a swift U-turn and heading back to town. I considered a few alternative places, but ended up coming home instead. An air-conditioned house, a cold coke, and some sort of home made lunch sounded comforting.

So now I've got about an hour to kill before work. I've put together a fantastic little outfit to wear. If the night is somewhat slow and I'm out of there by 8:30 pm, I may go to the memorial over at the Kingdom Hall.
I don't know. I drove by the hall today and got a bad feeling about being there again. I don't see how it could hurt too bad, though.. and there's a couple people I'd like to see. So... I'm thinking about it, sort of planning on it.... we'll see. I think I'm just afraid it'll hit a nerve and mess me up. I'm pretty happy right now.... much better than I was when I was a part of the Jehovah's Witnesses.
No part of me is telling me this is a good idea.
But some part of me is telling me to be brave.

~A

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

I only see what I'm looking through


FL-couple
Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
Last night my father's previous family came by for a visit. I managed to sneek out before they arrived, but came home to a living room full of relatives I feel absolutely no connection to. My mother, sister, and father inhabited the left side scattered in various tense positions, and my father's ex-wife and middle-aged son perched in a tired fashion on the couch to the right.
"Hi!" I said, putting on the sociable smile I've managed to develop. We exchanged various meaningless pleasantries as they each stood up to greet me. The woman was old and thin, and we gazed at each other briefly. If she planned to approach, her mind was changed by my stiff reaction to her. The man was also old and thin, but was the spitting image of my father. He came close, taking me in his arms and saying it was wonderful to see me for the first time. I quickly made my exit, throwing the things I was carrying into my bedroom and slinking towards the kitchen for water. I knew I had little choice, though, I had to return and act interested. So I grabbed a stool and took a position next to my sister, slouching there... staring down at the ice circling around in my glass. There was a discussion about dogs going on. We have two Jack Russels, they have two Chihuahuas... both tiny, annoying breeds with piercing barks. I didn't contribute to the conversation since I had nothing to say.. not being one to go on and on about canines. I just waited for the situation to shift so I could depart and hide in my room.

I've begun re-arranging my furniture again. Now the desk is in a place that encourages work, so I spent some time there.. sketching some designs and smoking a bit of weed.
Ha, that reminds me. I met S at Cafe Coco, and was standing in line when I started to sniff the air. "Do you smell pot?" I asked her, with a confused expression on my face. She said no, as I continued to sniff and look around. Then I grabbed a lock of my hair, smelling it, and realized, "Oh.... it's me."

Oh yeah. On a totally different note, though, I got a day job! I'm going into the place to discuss things with some of the people that work there on Wednesday. The owner spoke to me yesterday, wanting me to come in and find out what I'm really in for. Apparently the business is so slow right now that they feel the need to warn me that I'll be severely bored. If I still want the job after hearing the gorey details, I'm calling the owner to find out when I start. I'm excited. I'm taking the job, no matter how boring it might be. The starting pay is $8.15 an hour, which is pretty good for me.. considering the shit $6.75 I get at Bricks. I'm just proud of myself. I've accomplished this goal I'd set. I'm going to be busier, making more money to save... working towards.......

something.

~A

Monday, April 10, 2006

all I ever had


horror_art_17
Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
I'm content right now. Quite so. It's good to use a day well. I've finished my book, taken it back to the library (fully enjoying the drive there and back since discovering the back roads I can take), and picked up a new one. It's called Stiffed, and is a non-fiction about American men. Thought it would be interesting.

I was dancing around my car when I arrived home, moving to the beat of some Gorillaz song when I decided to pick up any random trash that had collected in my car. Low and behold, I glanced in the backseat only to find the used condom De so kindly left on the floor. I'm so glad I found that before anyone else did.

So anyway. I'm having lunch, and thinking about re-arranging my room. I'm just surprisingly okay with being home today and spending my time with myself. It is, of course, on this day that I'm getting all kinds of attention. Dev called me this morning, leaving a message for me to call him back when I didn't pick up. The 35-year-old Jo or whatever little abbreviation I used to refer to him with, has been sending me text messages all day wanting to get together and I've stopped responding. S just called me about some symphony playing somewhere, and I considered it with little interest. The only thing that could pry me from my lazy mood is a nice, long, airy drive along some barren country road. But I don't have the gas money for that, so I shall not pursue it.

~A

Sunday, April 09, 2006

when you're in the news

Shall I admit something I'm not proud of?

I like Spaghettio's.

I consider this a fault.

But anyway. This was a tired day for me. After movie night at S's I got home at about 3 or 4 AM. I was determined to be happy that I didn't have to work the morning shift, though, so I got up at a decent hour and made a trip to the library. I hunted for an empty table, and spent a good chunk of time there.. writing a return letter to a pen pal in England. About halfway through, this middle-aged guy decided to sit down across from me, and set up his laptop and bring out all his work. I considered moving so I could be alone, but thought it might seem rude. Before long I'd forgotten about him.

I came home with enough time to change and have a snack before work. I was quite exhausted all day, though, so I spent the majority of my time at Blue Cactus hunched over the hostess stand, scribbling out sketches on a legal pad. Every once in a while I'd drag myself over to Bricks to check linens, and consequently be nagged by De. I've surprised him this time around. This time, I'm not the least bit uneasy about him. The fact that we fucked does not bother me, and I am totally comfortable keeping my distance from him. It's as if we've switched rolls, because now.. I'm the one catching him looking at me, not the other way around. Now I'm also content and indifferent, with nothing to get over. I think it's floored him.

Anyway. I've got the next two days off, and I can't imagine what I'll do with them. Perhaps I could delve into some artwork. I'm feeling a tiny twinge of inspiration. From where, I have no idea... but it's there.

~A

Saturday, April 08, 2006

I want ya'll to sing along


venus-as-a-boy-poster
Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
1. Last kiss? De, in the backseat of my car.

2. How do u flush the toilet in public? I don't have a problem with it, usually.. it doesn't embarass me. Unless it's a motion detector one, those things freak me out.

3. Do you wear your seatbelt in the car? Less and less.

4. Do you have a crush on someone? No.

5. Name one thing that you start to get tense about if you are close to running out of it: birth control pills

6. What famous person do you (or other people) think you resemble? Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen, I've been told.

7. Favorite pizza topping: Pizza from some delivery place... just cheese. Pizza from Bricks? Cream cheese, mozzarella, and salmon.

8. Finish this sentence: if my life was a sitcom my theme song would be: Clubbed to Death, Rob Dougan

9. Do you pop your knuckles? All the time. It's kind of like a nervous tick, I guess.

10. What song do you dislike the most when it gets stuck in your head? Any Disney song... any country song. Like today, I was driving when suddenly a line from "I Love This Bar" popped into my head. I about went into convulsions right then and there. I mean.. of all songs!

11. Did just mentioning that song make it get stuck in your head? No, thank god.

12. What are your super powers? Confusing people.

13. Peppermint or spearmint? neither. I don't do mint.

14. Where are your keys? On my desk. Or somewhere on my floor. Or on the counter in the kitchen. Basically, wherever they fell when I got home.

15. Who's answers to this questionnaire do you want to hear? Umm.... no one's, really.

16. What's your most annoying habit? Wasting my time playing sims.

17. Where did you last go on vacation? North Carolina.

18. If you could punch one person in the nose and get away with it, who would it be? Probably my brother-in-law.

19. I don't know what happened to 19. K

20. What CD is closest to you right now? One of my mother's... Sweethearts of the Rodeo, Rodeo Waltz

21. What 3 things can always be found in your refrigerator? Leftovers, milk, and pickles. I know.. boring.

22. What superstition do you believe/practice? Umm.. none, really.

23. When you're in a public place and your underwear gets up your crack, do you sit there and take it, or do you dig it out and let the world deal with it? If it's bothersome, I'll run to the nearest bathroom and take care of it.

24. If you could murder 5 people and get away with it, who would they be and why? My brother-in-law, because I've never liked him, he's an asshole, and he gives my sister too much shit. As for the other four.. I suppose I'd do some research on some of the worst criminals out there right now, and take them out.

25. Do you talk on your cell phone when you drive? Sometimes. It's more difficult when driving a stick, though.

26. What are your favorite sayings? I don't think i have any.

27. What song(s) do you sing most often in the shower? I don't often sing in the shower. When I do, it's just whatever's stuck in my head.

28. If you could go back or forward in time would you and where would you go? Oh yes... I'd go to several different time periods, spending some time in each.

29. What is your favorite Harrison Ford movie? I don't have one... I'm not much of a fan.

30. (I changed this question cuz I didn’t like the original one) Are you the best? In some areas.

31. What OCD qualities do you have? My OCD's kick in spontaneously. When they do, though... everything has to be in precise order. I mean, everything.

32. How many kids do you plan on having? 0

33. If you could kiss anyone famous who would it be? Johnny Depp.

34. Would you really want to kiss someone you didn't know? Oh yes.

35. What do you do when no one is watching? Pick my teeth, smell my armpits, dance like an idiot.

36. If they made a movie about your life, what actor/actress would play you? Angelina Jolie. Yes, I'm just that conceited. But she has that darkness about her that would be needed.

37. Would you rather die in a blaze of glory or peacefully in your sleep? freak accident at 65. if it involves a 'blaze of glory,' so be it.

38. What candy, from when you were a kid, do you miss the most? Umm. I haven't had any PEZ in a while.

39. What is your favorite movie? Don't have one.

40. Favorite musician(s)/bands you've seen in concert? Cake was good. And Nine Inch Nails.

41. Have you ever been in love? Yes.

42. Do you talk to yourself? Rarely.

43. Is there anybody you just wish would fall of the face off the earth? I'm sure I could think of a few. Like my brother-in-law. Maybe some of the morons I get stuck behind on the road, going 20 in a 40. GRR. I don't know.. actually we could do without alot of people here. Like President Bush.

~A

when you sing the blues


untitled
Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
I'm just satisfied right now. I had bad feelings about tonight, thinking things probably wouldn't go right. I'd say the night went pretty damn well, though. Oh my god, did it ever.

So I spent my shift working and wondering how things would go. Would he show up? Would I feel wierd? Would kitchen boy C be able to make it and catch the show? Would anyone care? De had come in early in the night to pick something up, and wasn't wearing what I had told him to. He was in all black, but had on no stripes or chains or collars.. nothing particularly goth. We got in a fight then, with me saying I wouldn't pay him since he wasn't holding up his part of the deal. He left, saying he would come back later. To my surprise, he did... and holy fucking hell did I lose it.
He strutted in, looking fucking HOT. Black tee, white and black striped sleeves, black pants, silver chain, and black converse. He even added his own touch.. rolling up the pant legs to show some white socks. That was what got me, I think. I just blew up. I was laughing my ass off, as everyone working and everyone at the bar stared. I fell back against the window, unable to control myself as waitress A and H came up to check him out. Bossman D's daughter, Co, is about 10.. and was looking at me in complete shock. "Are you okay Annie?" she asked, as I shook my head and held my stomach as I laughed. Luckily I had just gotten off the clock, so I grabbed the hair stuff and his wrist, dragging him back to the girl's bathroom. The black gel I'd gotten worked surprisingly well, and he ended up with a black mohawk. Unfortunately I forgot to bring my eyeliner and shadow, so I had to use J's, which left me doing a somewhat bad job. Overall the effect was accomplished, and soon everyone was banging down the door to take a peek. I mean everyone.. waiters A, Ga, AJ, H, even bossman D. De's friends had come along, and were crowding in to laugh at him. It was hilarious.
While I worked, though, De admitted to how wasted he was.. and began to grope me. It was surprising, but after smacking his hands away for a while I realized I didn't care. The clothes and hair alone were turning me on like crazy.
De's friends came in, watching the work in progress. De seemed far too interested in feeling me up, and began showing off, pushing me back against one of the bathroom stalls. They were surprised, and I looked over his shoulder at them, saying, "You know, he claims to hate goth people... but he sure seems to like me." This brought on an uproar of laughter, and De backed off. One of his friends that I sort of know, E, made a comment about how he'd want me too.
We ended up with a mess in the bathroom, since a glob of black gel had fallen on the floor and gotten smeared everywhere. So we got on our hands and knees, scrubbing away the smudges. While we worked, the room had emptied of everyone that came in to stare. De kept threatening me.. saying how I was so mean for making him do this, saying, "I'm gonna kill you." I couldn't help myself, and said, "Oh yeah? Why don't you fuck me instead?"
He had no objection to that.
So we scurried out the back door. On the way, the entire staff in the kitchen freaked out at his appearance. We were in a hurry, though. "You look so hot, De, it's really turning me on," I said, following close behind him as we made our way out. We were out the door, in the backseat of my car, and fucking like animals in no time.
Can you even understand how many fantasies this fulfilled?
Whew.

Unfortunately, I left my purse, cell phone, wallet... all that important stuff, AND the pizza I had bought for dinner on the table by the hostess stand. Everyone was gone by the time things were over, and the doors were locked.

FUCK.

I have to go back in the morning to retrieve the things. I'd been craving that damn pizza all day, too.

`A

Thursday, April 06, 2006

when you don't get down


ChildofGoth
Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
Have I already blogged today? Well I don't care. I just read my horoscope four times without understanding a word of it. That's how high I am.
Yes, I'm self-medicating. But with the day I've had I think I've reserved the right.

I was depressed. Completely out of my mind with frustration, disappointment... whatever else you can think of. I was so antsy and uncomfortable with myself that I couldn't stay put. I ended up driving around, aimlessly, until I stopped at the school and waited to see B. I talked to her, but she couldn't offer much support. I was on my way to the library to return a book and write a letter when B called asking if I wanted to hang out. I agreed, and told her I'd meet her at Bricks, so I turned around to head back. School had just let out, though, and the road from where I was to Bricks runs right in front of Franklin High, so I was instantly stuck in the stand-still of traffic. I ended up getting the idea to turn in the Kroger parking lot that was right beside me, and make my way through the back roads to get to her. It was an odd twist of timing, though. I turned left, peeling through the Wendy's parking lot and over a couple of speed bumbs in front of some pizza place behind it. I turned the corner towards Kroger, and low and behold.. right there was Dev. He's an old friend of mine... my sister's first boyfriend... and someone I did alot of hanging out with when I was younger. He's older now. Married, with a 3 month old son. He's also put on weight. But the boy hasn't changed at all. His personality remains the same... he still obsesses over his music, and talks your ear off. He asked me to pull over and talk to him, so I did. It was great to see him, and our conversation just took off. We talked about everything, and I lost track of time. B started texting me, wondering where I was. I tried to leave, but he kept talking. I couldn't seem to pull myself away.
So I was late to meet her, but the surprise of seeing him and remembering the witnesses in our discussion brought on some distant but relevant emotions.
Our conversation also brought up T. Which was someone who I've been thinking about recently. Suddenly my interest in calling him grew. I don't know why. About halfway through the time I was with B, I decided what the hell.. I'll call. So I did. And I talked to his father.
Boy did that bring back some memories.
He sounded surprised to be hearing from me, and he explained that T was out but that he'd tell him I called. I quickly decided I wouldn't be hearing from him, so I tried to put it out of my mind.
The day continued, and I was happier after talking to Dev and hanging out with B. Once I took her home, though, I got back and went straight for the beer in the fridge. De was supposed to call me when he got off work, but I was skeptical. Just in case, however, I was prepared... no way did I want to be completely sober when he showed up. After roughly 45 minutes of chugging beer and taking hits of pot, I was fairly disoriented. I was sitting at my desk, writing in a rambling, non-sensical manner when De called. I answered, completely calm although surprised that he'd kept his word. So he was on his way over. I stayed where I was, then decided to grab something out of my car. The moment I opened the door was the moment he pulled in the driveway. (It seems to have been a good day for timing.) So he came in, and the night resumed as I expected. I wasn't turned on, though.. and made no attempt to spark his interest as I worked. We ended with a simple but effective outfit. Black tee, black dress pants, converse.. a thick black wristband, leather collar, and a silver chain to hang on his belt. In addition, for something more interesting, I cut off the sleeves of a black and white striped shrug I had and pinned the fabric to the insides of his shirt. They reached down to his elbows, and created the layered look. He looked good, although you could tell it wasn't right for him. He stood, observing himself in the mirror as I lingered behind him. "There's still just something... wrong, about it. It almost doesn't work on you," I said, placing my hands on his shoulders and bringing my head next to his to get his perspective. "You're just a natural-born country boy, aren't you?" He said he guessed so. So I quickly painted his nails (only the left hand, though... since that's the golf glove hand, apparently), and we had an odd conversation about goths, society, and the fact that I resented that people had made everything about money.. while he considered it a correct way of thinking and intended to pursue it himself. It was predictable, though. We talked but didn't connect.. he has this way of shutting you out when he decides to. There's a certain emptiness to his eyes when he's in that state, and I knew not to expect anything interesting from him.
He was here for a short while, and I returned his CD's and beer. It was good to be a little drunk and high.. otherwise I would have been nervous, talked less, and put too much thought into the situation. Perhaps he was even a bit surprised at my distance. When I finished the work quickly, he hesitated ever so slightly and said I could do more if I wanted. I didn't have much time to think about it, though. Once he left, I walked in to hear my cell phone ringing. My first thought was to wonder why De would call when he had just pulled out of the driveway. Then I paused, not wanting to flip the phone open... just knowing....

It was T.

Holy.. fucking.. hell.

Talk about timing, eh?

I stared at his name for a moment, baffled. Then I glanced up, seeing my reflection... my hair tied up, little makeup, a simple grey tee and rolled up jeans, black converse.. beer in right hand, phone in left... and figured,, what the hell? I answered the phone quietly, my voice low, "Hello," and was greeting by a voice almost too familiar. It was exactly as I remembered it. No deeper. No more mature sounding than it had been before. The voice said simply, "Hey!." I'm sure he could hear the gasp in my voice as I laughed slightly and began to speak.
We had fairly easy conversation. I was too smashed to be overwhelmed by the fact that I was actually speaking to T, though. T. T! The love of my life. The person I've based so much around. The one I compare others to. This influential, monumental person from the past that I haven't spoken a word to in what feels like a lifetime. We talked about everything, going over the same topics.. updating each other on our lives and situations. I suggested we get together soon, said I might see him at the memorial.
Might happen, might not.. but, what can I say? I'm just in this uncanny wave of emotion, and have absolutely no idea how to handle it. I just got off the phone, and literally could not decide how to react. Burst into tears? Take a swig of beer? Scream? Smile in a content manner and go about my night.. maybe read a few chapters of my current book? It's like everything just paused, and there was nothing I could do.

I think things are resuming now, but... I'd say it's in slow motion.

~A

wait


POLY-mathilde-on-floor
Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
Okay, so last night sucked ass.

I was walking towards the back door of Bricks when I ran into waiter Ga and he instantly started complaining about us being short-staffed that night. It was suddenly up to me to make calls and get an extra hostess in to help. Of course, no one would come in.

So it was a hectic night. Plus, I knew the second I entered the door that I had fucked up. I trudged through the kitchen, hurried while I peeled off my sunglasses and Ga followed close behind, blubbering about how bad the night would be.. and I didn't even glance in De's direction. That was it. That was the moment in which our relationship for the night would be determined.. the second I came in. And I didn't acknowledge him. So hell if he'd acknowledge me.
Our contact didn't resume until he was forced to question me about his CD's and beer. Both of which I felt lucky to have. I realized quickly that blowing De had consequently made me lose my advantage over him, and I needed something for leverage. It was no longer sex, so all I had were the CD's and beer. More the CD's, though, considering that three beers, no matter how much he loves his alcohol, isn't enough to sway him.
When he followed me through the kitchen, asking about his stolen possessions, I answered him honestly. "Oh, you're not getting those back for a little while. See, I made a mistake last night.. and now I need some leverage to make sure you don't back out on Friday." He was pissed. Being openly manipulated and taken advantage of by a woman? Not his favorite thing, exactly. To my surprise, he pushed me back against the massive metal sink behind me and grabbed the hose they use to spray and clean big pots and such. He held it directly over my head. I began to struggle against him while he yelled, "OH, YOU WANT LEVERAGE!?" He had a good hold on me, and all I could do was struggle and angrily mutter, "Not funny, De. Don't do it! THIS IS NOT FUNNY." I had inched my way across the side of the sink, pulling us further and further to the side when he aimed the hose just to my left and let out one quick spurt of water. It hit a metal rack of pans and dishes, and bounced off on the back of my legs. I ripped away from him, stomping through the kitchen and past the bar and noticed that everyone who could have seen, had... and they were watching me with surprised looks on their faces. The kitchen boys laughed in shock, and all the customers at the bar observed me.. wide-eyed and wondering what was going on between me and that boy. One of the customers was his mother. We locked eyes as I passed, and I shook my head at her as her mouth dropped in disbelief. It seemed all in good fun, but honestly... my rage began to grow by leaps and bounds. I tore my way out of there, completely furious, and had a malicious fight with De in the back room. It wasn't long before I sped away, determined to hurt him in some way. I had an amazing idea. BREAK ALL HIS FUCKING CD'S.
Of course I'm not THAT horrible, so I came home and grabbed a pile of old cd's that I haven't listened to in years... and snapped them into pieces and dropped them into a clear plastic bag. Then I hurried back, and walked up the to the back door. I shook the bag at B and hostess C, and they gasped in utter disbelief. I sauntered into the kitchen, glowing with fury and leaned against a work table. De was near the window, talking to his mother. She spotted me and said loudly, "HEY... I like this girl!" De whipped around, and I grinned. "Oh De! You want your CD's back?" His eyes lit as he studied me, my arms behind my back with the bag. He started towards me, and I backed my way out the door.. scared. I dangled the bag in front of him when we were outside, and he could not believe it. "Oh, oh De... how fucking pissed are you!?" He was speechless, and began trying to rip the bag out of my hand. I didn't want to give it to him, suddenly realizing that I hadn't broken them up small enough. If he took the time to look, he'd notice they weren't his. I wanted the bag back, so I could crush them into tiny shards and he wouldn't be able to distinguish them. He's stronger than me, though, and had the bag. He took them into the kitchen, and threw them down on a table. The entire kitchen flipped. "OH NO SHE DIDN'T!!!" was the resounding exclamation. He looked through them, though, and started finding pieces that didn't look familiar. I smiled to myself, realizing that the rage had blinded me.. I hadn't thought clearly about it, so the prank's effect passed quickly.
Anyway. B, hostess C, and I ended up in the back parking lot with his CD's, fully intact, debating about what to do. Then his mother came driving through and stopped to talk to me. She seems to have developed an interest in me, and offered words of encouragement and support. "Keep the CD's, and make him dress up anyway. If he gets defensive, just taunt him. Tell him he has no balls. Start that rumor that he's gay all over again. Oh, and don't forget to take pictures on Friday. I have to go to some stupid pancreatic cancer convention, so I'll miss it." We laughed and talked a bit. As she left, B and C's ride arrived, and I was left there alone. I couldn't decide what to do. Completely overcome by anger, confusion, and disappointment.. I sat in my car, arranging the CD's in their case and trying to think clearly. Eventually I just decided to leave, and decide what to do later. I caught sight of De as I drove past the coolers, and as we stared each other down I promptly gave him the finger and sped away.
I was worried, thinking he'd be too mad to go through with Friday. But I started texting him this morning, and we've been discussing it. Seems as though neither one of us is fully angry anymore, although he is trying to make things difficult. He has to golf on Friday (oh my god.. the boy plays golf. could he be any less desirable?), so I had to make a compromise... he can change into his stupid-ass khakis for golf, but has to change back afterwards.
~sigh~ This is getting so annoying. I wish I could just stop thinking about it, but he has yet to give me any clear answers about tonight.. so I have to.

~A

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

the whole world loves it when you make that sound


PIC00004
Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
"Pardon me, miss, but may I inquire as to your whereabouts last night at about 10:30 PM?"
"Uhh.. yeah, I was blowing De behind Bricks."
"In that case you're under arrest for being way too comfortable with your sexuality. You have the right to.."
"WHAT!?"

That was the dream I was having last night just before my mother yelled at me to not forget my appointment with the dentist at 11:20 AM.

I'm sitting here listening to De's Outkast CD. Last night as I was groping and being groped by De, S and kitchen boy C decided to play a practical joke and drive off in De's jeep. They transfered his 12 pack of beer and all his CD's to my car, then left. We were both far too distracted to notice any of the activity... not until the jeep disappeared. He had me pushed up against it, and the sudden movement made us stumble quite a bit. Surprisingly, though, despite how incredibly protective of and how in love he is with that jeep, (it's name is Dixie) he didn't much react. I would have expected him to be royally pissed. Instead, he grabbed my arm and pulled me over to the coolers to finish what had been started.
It was only after things were over, after I had teased him about giving me a kiss.. (eww) that he started calling C. They had driven up to De's house and left the jeep parked in the driveway. They had decided to make him walk. He refused, though, and since I couldn't find my keys, we stood there... awkward, alone, waiting for them to walk back down to Bricks. I couldn't help but laugh hysterically at him. He had a this look on his face that I'd never seen before.. and I was thoroughly amused. He didn't say a word, just smiled at me.. partly angry, partly confused, maybe slightly entertained.. but calm.
I work with him tonight, and am wondering what the situation between us will be. He surprised me by having no problem whatsoever with being friendly and talking to me after Monday night, when we had a quick encounter in my car. But after last night? I don't know. I can tell you one thing, though, I will be PISSED if he changes his mind about our deal. Have I not written about the deal yet? Holy crap.
So, Monday I got this sudden idea to see if I could convince De to go goth for a day. I didn't plan to mention it to him, but on an odd whim I ended up saying, "Hey De.. I've got a question. I'm just curious what your reaction would be if I begged you to allow me to give you a makeover.. and turn you into a goth guy for one day." He reacted as I expected him to.. completely against it. It wasn't until I offered him money that he even considered it. It took a slight bit of prodding, but it wasn't long before he agreed. I was COMPLETELY shocked. Never did I ever expect him to agree to something like that. So it's happening. Thursday night he's coming over so I can pull an outfit together for him. Then, on Friday.. he has to where the whole outfit to school, then come into work and show everyone, then go out with a bunch of our friends that night.
I think it's a really interesting social experiment. He's so used to himself and his normality. It might wake him up a bit to walk around and have people react to him in a completely different way.
Plus, it's gonna be totally hot to me. I doubt I'll get through Thursday night without attacking him at some point. De dressed up all hot and goth? De with eye makeup on? De with black spiking gel in his hair? Oh.. yeah. We're talking about some major kinky reactions here. I have to cool off after just thinking about it.
But that's not the point.
Everyone is freaking out. EVERYONE at work.. all of his friends, all of my friends, his family, my mother... this idea is sending a shockwave over this little Franklin community. I've already had 5 people beg me to be sure and take pictures for different reasons, mostly because they'll be out of town and will miss the event.
There's been talk of the tables being turned on me. At some point I may end up having to prance around in a blonde wig, light makeup, pink fingernails, and some skimpy, preppy little outfit. Seems fair. Hopefully this won't actually happen, though. I'd be scarred.
Anyway.
My mind is still stirring with ideas. This is such an oppurtunity.. I should take full advantage of it.

~A

Monday, April 03, 2006

skeleton of a smoking plain


PIC00027
Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
Ahhhh.
Monday afternoon, and I have absolutely nothing to do at the moment. I was awake nice and early for the interview, which went very well. Then I drove my father back and forth to Fairview about forty thousand times. It was about the thousandth trip that I noticed myself shutting down, about ready to fall asleep at the wheel. By the time I got home I was in bed reading, and drifted off after a few pages. I didn't wake up until I heard my mother nagging my father about something. Somewhere off in the distance I heard the quiet call of my cell phone's message beep and my little soul swelled. Maggiano boy? There were three messages... two from S, and yes... one from the boy. Yay.

It's funny how my mind works, though. The first couple days I was all quietly distraught... OH GOD I HOPE HE CALLS. By the third day I was more indifferent. And today? I simply found myself wondering for a moment what it was that was supposed to be bothering me.
Really, that first part is torture, but in the long run.... I get over things, people, and situations at amazing speed.
I'm happy that he's responded to me, though. Now I've replied that I'm thinking about him, and the future couple of messages should allow me to coax him into coming to see me sometime soon.
Along with the satisfaction, though.. I feel like a bit of an idiot. Why am I allowing myself to feel for this guy? He's going back to Russia in June. Talk about a fucking heartbreak waiting to happen.

~A

Sunday, April 02, 2006

where do I start?


PDR_0727
Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
I'm glad today is over. I spent the entire day at Blue Cactus, "working." Things were bland, predictable, and depressing.
Tomorrow should be more interesting. I have an interview in the morning at a shop in Franklin. I have to find the two checks from Blue Cactus I lost today, and put those in the bank on the way back. Then I have to help my dad get my mother's car to be repaired in Fairview. Somewhere along the line I'm thinking about sending maggiano boy a message to inquire about any days off he may have this week. Then I have a shift at Bricks at 5:30. I'll be working with De for the first time in a week, although he's come in three times during his time off for spring break. Dumbass.

~A

Saturday, April 01, 2006

so innocent


1124850515_f
Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
It's amazing how just a few days, and a few odd situations can totally fuck with your brain. I've gone from same old same old everyday things, to having hope in a relationship with a perfect date, to falling head over heels for a chick, to being assaulted by a totally unexpected blast from the past.
So I spent yesterday trying not to think about it, but really just desperately hoping and praying that maggiano boy would call. I'm trying to go back to that point of indifference. If he calls, awesome, if not, oh well. Now that I've actually fallen for him, though, it's not quite so easy.
Either way, though, it was on my mind. By the time I'd left work and come home I'd gotten to the point where I was coming down on myself a little bit, trying to think of what could have turned him off. Not that I expected him to be calling the very next day, but.. I'd just thought about it too much, you know?
So S called and came over and we tried to think of something to do, only to end up driving out to Cafe Coco to hang out. We were standing in line so she could order something, and my eye was caught by one of the people working. It was a young woman, although at very first glance you might mistake genders. Her hair was short and slicked up into a mohawk, she was of medium height and had a slim, lean, very attractive body. She had a pretty face, and wore a boyish white and green tee with jeans and a belt. The cuffs of the jeans were rolled up a couple times to show some masculine but sexy black boots she was wearing. I've been attracted to one or two females before, but never so much that I actually tried to catch their attention. At first it was just a fun little experiment.. just to see if I could catch her eye and flirt a little. Unfortunately the first time we locked eyes someone's head got in the way so I couldn't see for long enough. The second time was quick. She was standing in the doorway to the kitchen, taking a sip from something when we looked at each other simultaneously. It was uncertain, but I'm sure she caught my drift.
That would have been the end of it if she hadn't kept coming into the back bar area and walking around to clean tables of past customer's debri. I couldn't help but keep looking as S and I sat quietly. I soon found that I liked the way she walked and moved, that she looked cute when she smoked, and that she had a great ass. Then she came up to our table to take S's empty plate. We were both flipping through magazines, ripping out anything interesting we found for a collage. "If you find any good pictures," she said suddenly, "save one for me...." I looked at her, smiling and trying to figure out what to say. I didn't understand what she added to that, but found out from S a few seconds later. She had said, "save one for me... I need one for up front," gesturing towards her face as if it needed to be covered. From that exchange I discovered I also loved her voice, and the cute tiny little gap between her two front teeth. I kept thinking about her, watching her when she walked by.. wondering how the hell to go about asking a girl out. It was a few moment later when S cut out a little phrase from her magazine and handed it to me. It was simply black lettering on white paper that said, "A body built for sin." Then it clicked. Perfect. I wrote my name and number above the lettering and folded it up to hand to her on my way out.
Unfortunately, things didn't work out that way.
S and I were sitting somewhat idley, not doing much. Suddenly, I heard someone come in, and I looked over for a quick glance. I gasped loudly. "Oh, oh my god," I said, getting S's attention, "Is that.... oh my god, that's Ty!"
Recap?
Ty's the first guy I met after T and I broke up. It was a quick, uncomfortable (for me, anyway) fling. We hung out a bit, did a shitload of making out and feeling up, and that was about it. I wouldn't sleep with him, although he remained infatuated with me until he disappeared... much to my slight relief but mostly indifference.
So yes. I hadn't seen or thought about him for the longest time.. and there he was. His hair was longer, but besides that absolutely nothing had changed. In fact I think he was wearing the exact same outfit he was the last time I'd seen him. I watched him for a few moments until he looked up and noticed me. He was at my side in an instant. "I know you," he said, "You work over by Publix..."
"Yeah," I said, "Are you Ty?"
"Yeah!"
He sat down next to me and we started talking, a bit excited by our random encounter. I found myself slightly attracted to him, and thinking about hooking up with him. It wasn't long, though, before I began to withdraw and realize that I had no further interest in him. We had made out in the parking lot a little, and he had invited S and I next door.. to some college guy's apartment. A group of people were headed there to hang out, listen to music, and smoke pot. So I agreed, and S and I tagged along. On the way out, Ty grabbed my hand and held it.. so I couldn't very well look for the girl I had my eye on, nor could I give her the folded magazine page in my pocket. I hope I'll see her again. But anyway, it was pretty cool, until Ty really started getting high. The higher he got, the louder he got. The more obnoxious, annoying... the more unwelcome singing he did. Plus, he was all over me. There was one guy there, Jon, who was freakin' cute and freakin' cool and who I exchanged glances with and wished he was the one with his hands all over me instead of Ty, the moron. I was very high, very relaxed, and very turned off. I gave him a quick kiss here and there, but otherwise pulled away from his slobbering mouth as he tried to turn me on. Eventually, Jon got up to leave and everyone was a bit undecided about what to do. I just looked at S and tried to send her signals that said, "LET'S GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE THIS FUCKER IS GROSSING ME OUT." Somehow she didn't pick up on the fact that I wasn't exactly enjoying myself, and started asking me if I was sure I was okay to drive.
"Yeah, I'm fine," I said.
"ARE YOU SURE?" she said, giving me this intent look.
"YEAH," I said, then mouthed quietly, "I WANT TO GO."
I didn't really intend to leave the area. Maybe I was high, and would drive suspiciously slow or something... I really just wanted to get away from Ty, and get something to eat. I soon realized, though, that we couldn't stay in the area. Ty was all over the place and I didn't want to run the risk of him finding me. So I drove us towards home and got a cheeseburger at Waffle House at 5 AM. I drove just fine... if not better then I do when completely sober. Once I reached home, I completely crashed.

So now, here I am. Very tired. A bit disturbed. Trying in vain to recover the calm simplicity of those days when absolutely nothing interesting was going on.
I hope I see that cafe coco girl again.
I hope Ty doesn't call me.
I hope, more than anything, that maggiano boy calls me soon.

Oh yes.. and I hope I can mellow out eventually.

~A