Sunday, May 28, 2006

my fair lady

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
Woke up this morning with a dreadful case of something that makes my body ache, head pound, throat stop up, and stomach act wierd. The morning shift at Bricks was simply out of the question.
Never before have I hated all the hostesses more.
The only person I could get in contact with was hostess Ch, who was working the morning shift at Blue Cactus. She called some people, and I swear she reported some of the lamest excuses I have ever heard. Such as, "Yeah, um, I can't... I won't be able to get ready in time."
Oh really. I'm calling you at 9:30 in the morning to work at 11, and you won't be able to throw on a tee and jeans in that hour and a half?
Clearly, despite the numerous times I've taken shifts for other hostesses for stupid reasons, the one time I'm in really dire straits and am dying for someone to work for me, no one cares that I can barely move or breathe.
Two of the hostesses from Blue Cactus who said they just couldn't possibly come in, actually had the audacity to show up at about 2 pm, talking about the shopping they had done that morning. I could tell they were skeptical about my illness, but once one of them had the balls to say she bet it was just a hangover, I wanted to choke them both. Fortunately, I couldn't find the strength to lift my arms.


Wednesday, May 24, 2006

twisting and turning

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
Last night, after a particularly amazing romp with HIM, kitchen boy C called me. It was nearing 12:30 AM. This was the unexpected words he said, "Hey I need you to do me a huge favor, can I get dropped off at your house here in a minute? I need you to take me back to my car in a few minutes. The cops made us leave without them."


What now?

Turns out dumbass De and C finally got caught drinking after work. Both of them being underage turned into 3 cops, threats of arrest, De's mom coming to sort it out, De sobbing, and both of them being forced to leave their cars and get other rides.
Part of me wanted to feel bad about De's misfortune, considering that he's had numerous problems with the law lately, I believe was on probation, and has various issues at the moment. The other part just wanted to laugh. Motherfucker deserves it.

Today, however, B sent me the message, "OMG did you hear about De?" Then, "That's going to be so wierd."
My question of what would be wierd was replied to with, "Him not being there."


I get the impression that the boy won't be working at Bricks anymore.

I have yet to allow myself to fully react.


Friday, May 19, 2006

however you want to

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
I did something different today.
I went to school.

'Twas spring fling at Franklin High, and since B is going out of town and I won't see her for two weeks, I decided to go over and spend the day with her.

Besides the blistering sun, boring people, and overall lack of intrigue, I had an interesting time. Not only did I have the goth/emo/different kids staring me down, questioning whether I belonged with them, but also the preppy/popular kids.. since De seemed to enjoy pointing me out and informing whomever was around that I'd fucked him. Fortunately, since B is a band geek, I managed to remain undefinable.

It was cool to see some of the people I used to have classes with. Most of them were surprised, asking what the hell happened to me. It was fun, with the ways I've changed..... actually being able to carry on conversations with people. I'd say I'm more grown up, and my once hardcore goth style has softened and become something still dark and different, but more sophisticated and attractive. I got attention from people who used to ignore me completely.

Oh yes, and I ran into an old crush of mine. I liked him in 8th grade, and my flaming attraction to him continued into high school. I didn't see him much until my sophomore year, but by the time I'd left he was much out of my mind. We did talk a bit, on and off, but never managed to develop any real friendship. So, seeing him was odd. His look has changed, not so much for the better, but he's one of those people..... there's just something about him. I was quite surprised by our encounter, though. I was pacing around, wishing for shade, as B talked to some people I didn't know. This crush passed by, and I wasn't paying much attention until he tapped my shoulder. "Oh hey!" I said, acting surprised and glad to see him. He was calm, moving slowly, as he greeted me and held his arms out a bit, as if asking for a hug. I don't believe we had ever touched in any way before, so I was slow to get closer, but we shared a quick yet suggestive hug. He asked what had happened to me, how homeschooling was, and we updated each other on our current activities and whereabouts. Things sort of paused, and as I watched him he seemed to be staring at me in a way he never had before. I laughed a bit as he reached over and pulled me close, wrapping his arms around my neck and shoulders. I put my hand on his back, feeling his shoulderblades, and let it slide down to rest just above his ass. He was grinning, and just stopped there... hanging on and pressing against me. I was so surprised.
"Are you okay?" is all I could manage to ask.
"Sort of," he mumbled.
"Are you high?" I asked, assessing the situation.
"Sort of," he repeated.
"Oh, sounds good. Wish I was too," I said.
With that we pulled away, and he continued staring. I was confused, wondering what to make of this and whether I should give him my number.
It was one of those somewhat awkward, 'so anyway', moments, as I glanced around and he mentioned something about having to go find his friend. We reluctantly said our goodbyes, and he said he'd see me around.
O... KAY then.
B had finished up her socializing, and joined me again. She inquired, and I described what had happened in an exasperated way. "I can't believe that just happened," I said. "Well, Annie, you know you were always cute, but now... you're fuckin' hot," she said, "I bet he wishes he didn't have a girlfriend."

So anyway.


Wednesday, May 17, 2006

born to lead

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
I just wrote an entire post, only to tap a wrong key and lose the entire thing. That's just great, the perfect thing to add to the shit day I've had.

I worked at the shoe place from 1 to 5, spending my time straightening up shit when the owner was there, and reading magazines when she wasn't.

I tried to feel better by spending the time before my Bricks shift eating something and changing clothes, but it proved pointless. My mood just steadily dropped as I worked. Not only did I wimp out and not say a word to Sh, but De made a point to harass me constantly. I think his attitude is discouraging me... probably just like he wants it to.

My dad goes in for some sort of heart surgery tomorrow. Everyone is taking the day off to be at the hospital, except for me. I will be selling shoes, and seating tables, and generally forgetting that I even have a family in the first place.

It doesn't matter.

I don't care.

I'm cool.

I'm relaxed.

And everything will always be okay.


Tuesday, May 16, 2006

keep me in line

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
So I spoke of the challenge I'd set for myself, the coy intelligence I'd have to conjure up in order to capture my prey... the sexy and seemingly untouchable Sh. Turns out I overestimated the difficulty level. Not but a day or two later, and I've already snagged him. I swear, the guy is so easy it's almost sad.
I suppose that's part of what I like about him, though. He's admirably laid back, and open to all possibilities.
Damn good kisser, too.

De seems absolutely livid about the whole thing. He teased me about hooking up with his bro before it seemed possible. Now that it's happening, his demeanor has changed completely. I spent Saturday night at his house, hanging out with Sh. We watched TV, had a few beers, shared a few bowls, and talked up a storm. We connected. The next morning, De and I arrived at work at exactly the same time. I watched him, and the angry look he gave me said alot.
I have to say, I'm so unbelievably happy Sh showed up. The moment he entered the picture, it lifted this huge burden I've had on my shoulders since the beginning of De and I. Every longing I've had for De has completely vanished, and I love being able to look at him and not feel a single thing.
I'm also thoroughly pleased to find that besides physically, Sh is nothing like De. They think differently, act differently. He's actually very sweet, kind of shy... not at all cocky or manipulative. He's not preppy, more the type that avoids definition.. which I love, and he likes "girls like me."

heh heh


I've decided to go ahead and break it off with K. After spending one more evening with him and finding myself losing all interest, I don't see the point in continuing. I do hope this won't affect the blooming relationship his best friend has developed with S.. but considering his immaturity, I'll expect the worst.

I haven't returned a couple texts from the 35 year old, and Maggiano boy promises to call but is returning to Russia next month, so I don't see the point.

As for HIM, well, we're still involved. I don't feel the need to admit my interest in Sh to him, considering that the biggest thing in our relationship is that there be no limitations. I like talking and hanging out with him, and the sex is nice as well. I think we're both on the edge, though. We could go either way with this. He has been calling me an awful lot, hinting towards a growing interest. I suppose the deciding issue may be Sh.

I suppose we'll see what happens.

Of course I can't wait until tomorrow, Sh is working pizza and it should be slow enough for us to talk a bit.

So there. Complete relationship update.

I do have other things to write about, I swear.

Like how much working at the shoe place sucks, and
How I've nearly failed my last two math tests, and
How I actually did laundry today, and
How I got a new cell phone... razr, bitches.


Thursday, May 11, 2006

you still don't like to leave before the end of the movie

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
Well well well. Guess who started working at Bricks yesterday? That would be Sh, DE'S BROTHER!


I've never wanted someone so bad.

He's 19, and basically just an older, taller, sexier, more mature version of De. I could die.

I know what you're thinking. Am I just doing this to piss De off? Is it out of spite... some need to make De uncomfortable and jealous?

not completely.

I actually like Sh. I don't just want to sleep with him, or flirt with him to make people mad, or use him in any way, shape, or form. I'm attracted to him, and he's a really nice guy. A bit shy, not cocky.
I was thinking about it, and had a realization. I know I have some genuine feelings for him, because I knew right away that I would drop every guy in my life for him. I can't remember the last guy I felt that way about. I keep so many of them around, because there isn't any particular one I've fallen for. I've been waiting for that to happen, to finally meet someone I actually really LIKED, and WANTED, and would put some real emotion into.
Now I just have to play it out, be smart, and see what happens. He's shown interest in me. We've exchanged quite a few glances, and B won't shut up about him checking we out when I turn my back. Next I just have to start a real conversation with him. So far we've spoken very little, if at all.
This is gonna be fun.

I do feel a twinge of guilt, though. K came in to see me at the shoe place today, and brought me a rose. He's completely fallen for me, and I don't want to hurt him. Perhaps I would be more apt to break it off if S wasn't getting involved with his best friend. I don't want to fuck anything up.

Also, there's HIM. I don't know what to feel, since I'm not used to having an actual relationship. We're not just having sex. He calls me almost every day, and we have actual conversations. At least he knows I'm not exclusively involved with him, so it's not like news of other dates will completely crush him.


I'm going to get a new cell phone tomorrow. It's long overdue, and I don't REALLY have the dough, but I'm so desperate. I've had this same cell phone for years. It's ugly, out of date, and constantly cuts off my calls.

Tonight will be a good night to relax. The couch is calling me. I'm so tense.


Tuesday, May 09, 2006

a good girl

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
Somehow I've found myself hovering above highway 96, gazing down from the towering heights of the Natchez Trace bridge. It's among the wee hours of Monday night/Tuesday morning, and I'm shivering with early, new day chills. I'm subdued, considering how beautifully random my life has become. I've certainly succeeded in keeping it interesting.
S is nearby, and our dates are rambling about "war stories" and various male driven topics. Every once in a while I'll pull K, my date, against me in search of body warmth. The poor, virginal boy is shaking.. and I don't mean from the cold. I bury my nose and lips into the back of his neck, running my nails over his shoulders, down his back, around his hips and up over his abs and chest. I do like the way his body feels. He's very tall, very slim, but has a nice layering of muscle where it counts. As I move around him, shifting so we're facing each other and our hip bones touch, I can feel that familiar bulge against me. I lean into him, rest my head on his shoulder, and stare off into the distance. I hear them all talking, going on about things I lost interest in a long time ago. I'm vanishing, completely consumed by the torture of indecisiveness. "Do I want to be here?" I keep asking myself, "Do I like this K person?"
He's a nice guy. He's not very cute. He's got an amazing body. He's kind of a dweeb. He's completely infatuated with me. I'm somewhat interesting in him. He seems to think I'm his girlfriend. I have yet to tell him about HIM, and De, and the 35 year old, and maggiano boy. And I see this going no where good.


Sunday, May 07, 2006

you're toxic

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
"I'm lost," is what I trace against HIS back with my index finger. We exhausted each other, and shortly after he asked me to scratch his back he was out. I, however, have slipped into something like a mechanical daze. I'm too uncomfortable to fall asleep. The room is cold and the blankets are shoved down to the foot of the bed. I don't want to wake him, or allow myself to relax. I want to leave, and sleep alone in my own nice, warm bed. I'm trapped, though, by his body and my lack of motivation to make any movement at all.

This is so incredibly depressing. I should be appreciative of my position. Here I am, with a man. He likes me, he wants me, and we've been having good sex and good conversation for a couple weeks now. My interest, however, is hard to identify. As much as I hate to say it I'm only here tonight because my first choice fell through.

As I lie here, scratching, massaging, and rubbing his back, neck, and scalp... I'm consumed by emotional chaos. Running my hand through his hair reminds me of T, and my longing for him brings a tear to my eye. Pulling my hand down his back and along the soft, hairless skin on his right side makes me twitch with memories of De. Never before have I been in bed with someone, wishing they were someone else. It's a sickening feeling, and I cringe with each wave of deep loss and frustration. I so badly want to be somewhere else. Not only in this moment, but in this life. Everything feels wrong all at once, and all I can do is watch myself break, realizing with reluctance that yes... I'm lost.

So very lost.


Monday, May 01, 2006

walk on by

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
It's early on a Saturday afternoon, and I'm wearing a pink and white t-shirt. The wind scurries by in sudden gusts as I walk along Main Street, entangling me in the mass of pink and white balloons I'm carrying.
"Where did I go wrong?" I ask myself. This isn't right.
Con and Ja are a few steps ahead of me, wearing clones of my shirt and handing out pink and white business cards and fliers. "Come see us at The Shoe Boutique!" they say all too happily, targeting young women. They expect me to hand the balloons to children, in hopes of scoring extra points with potential customers. I'm not quite feeling it, though. I walk with an involuntary scowl on my face, completely frustrated and feeling out of place.
"What bad choice could have led me here?" I'm thinking, "This is just so wrong."
I never could have imagined myself in this position. Dressed up to project an image that doesn't suit me, working with people that I can't relate to, promoting a product that I don't believe in. I feel completely fake. Here I am, a living, breathing representation of the type of person I hate.

I am no where that I want to be.

Bossman D ripped my head off the other night over a roll of silverware or a bottle of wine or some other petty bullshit I had no control over or responsibility for. No matter what mistake is made by whom, he always manages to twist it around and blame it on me. Usually, I let this type of thing roll off my shoulders. Yet this, was the one straw on the camel's back that led to a complete breakdown. We're talking total nervous breakdown.
And I can't take the stress anymore. So I'm going to look for another hostessing job. Something better, somewhere nicer.. more appropriate pay, with a more respectable boss. I know, this is asking for a lot.. but I'm going to try.

I recieved my school books today, and have had the software sitting here waiting to be installed so I can start my junior/senior year for a few good hours now. Any minute now. I'm going to get this stuff in order. I'm sure I'll start the studying soon. Maybe tomorrow. As for today, though... I have a nice boy to fuck and a nice room to clean, and a nice couple of days off to enjoy.

Let the stress melt away.

Calm down.

RELAX, god dammit.