Wednesday, June 28, 2006

I run the water very very very hot

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
I've got to get back into blogging. There's alot going on at the moment.
Like... I have a boyfriend. It feels wierd and is an interesting combination, but I have a fairly good feeling about it. The question is... can I stand to be celibate until he's ready to lose his virginity? YEAH.. it's like that. Spending entire days with him has me entirely distracted. Now I'm way behind on school work, and have halted so many projects. It's frustrating, so I'm enjoying a couple days away from him to re-adjust.
I finally have my license back, and I bought a new car. Of course something has to go wrong, though, so I can't drive the car until we get alot of registration and title shit worked out. It's an awesome car, though, so much nicer than my first one... and totally worth the wait.

I was planning to go out and get myself into trouble tonight, but was recently informed that my sister got tickets to a concert tonight. Apparently I'm invited, so.. sweet.
Anyway. I'm determined to finish renovating my room today. Tomorrow, I'm resuming my studies. Hopefully I can get everything back under control. I can't forget, though, today I HAVE to get my birth control re-filled, stop at the bank and try to get some checks so I can start sending them to my grandfather to repay the loan he gave me for the car, return a CD to Julie, and say hello to R (the boy) if he's working tonight. He and I have begun a habit of writing letters back and forth to each other. I know, painfully cute, right? But that's just him... all over... PAINFULLY cute.


Sunday, June 18, 2006

keep looking at my..

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
Just filling a fellow Bricks employee in on the news. Starting tomorrow, hostesses are on tip share. We're getting 1% of each of the waiter's sales each night. So... freakin' yes! It's about time. We deserve it. So let's keep up the good work, eh?

Oh, and as for general blogging.... yeah, I'm gonna pick that up again real soon.


Friday, June 16, 2006

I know myself

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
Well, last night at work I realized this:

I should be a man.

As I texted back and forth with HIM throughout the night, he informed me of the awful day he had had. I sympathized for the most part, at least until he told me how tired he was from the strain and heat of the day he spent working outside. I didn't offer any "poor baby's" or "feel better's" or "get some rest's"..... instead I turned to B and said, "Well, the boy is worn out... looks like I'm not gettin' any tonight."

I seem to lack sensitivity.


Saturday, June 10, 2006

the weekend come

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
Well, I suppose I'm doing my best to enjoy my Saturday. I did a shitload of Sudoku, ate some chicken strips, and established myself as the middle man in a drug deal.

I've realized that I might as well be HIS girlfriend. The guy calls me everyday, and we've spent the last 3 days together. Wednesday he came over for the first time, and ended up meeting and hanging out with my entire family. They all get along smashingly. Thursday he came over twice, first to hang with my sister and I, and second sans family for a smoke and sex on the wicker couch on the back porch. That was painful. By Friday I'd had just about enough of him, and wasn't going to call him until Saturday. He would have none of it, though, and called me, convincing me to let him pick me up to hang at his house. The boy is crazy. So far we've managed to get me in and out of his house without getting caught. Last night, however, after I gave him a backrub, he fell asleep on me, and I laid there for hours wishing I had a car and could just go the hell home, his mother walked in the room to turn his TV off. I froze, and tried to act like I was asleep. If she noticed me, she didn't react, but her movement woke him up. It was at that moment, that he decided he was in the mood. He got up to lock the door, then moved close to me on the bed. 'You're kidding, right?' was all I could think. 'I mean, of all times, you want to have sex NOW, right after you're mother was in here?'
I don't know. I'm trying not to fall for him. I don't want to, but I feel it's not entirely up to me. He's just such a good guy. He's so sweet to me, and I can tell he genuinely cares. He likes being with me, holding me, and doing what he can to make me happy. I keep discovering little things I like about him, and physically my attraction keeps growing. Like last night, as I followed him towards his house and up the stairs, I realized he has got the cutest ass. I like his calves too.
I think I'm just afraid to fall for anyone. I have this fear that the moment I do, someone else will come along, and everything will be so much harder.



Tuesday, June 06, 2006

hey miss murder

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
I suppose if these... things... would happen one at a time, I would be capable of a stronger grasp on the negativity. Somehow, however, they always manage to happen all at once, layering and layering the worries and thoughts in my head until all is buried and suffocated. So I flip out.
I had a panic attack in the car today with my mother and sister. It was about 9:30 AM or so, an hour and a half after my court date for a speeding ticket, that my silent tears erupted. I couldn't breathe, couldn't think, and each sob was uncontrollable.
I've been in varying stages of panic within the last 5 hours or so, and at this point I'm realizing that things could possibly be worse. The judge ended up not putting the ticket on my record, but taking my license for three weeks. I have to go to a 3 hour driving school one of these days.
But seriously.
Does this really have to happen ONE FUCKING DAY AFTER I pummel a deer and destroy my car? Now not only is my precious car Oatzle experiencing fatal injury.. completely undrive-able, but I can't even use my dad's truck for transportation now that there's no license to speak of. The idea of getting a ride makes my heart stop. Being so addicted to independence leaves me choking up at the simple thought of having to rely on other people just to get down the street to work a few measly hours for shit pay.
I know... it's like everything comes into light at these moments. All these realizations. I'm so unbelievably unhappy, going no where. I can't think of another area of my life that could be going wrong right now.
I have a cold and a bladder infection.
I almost hate my job now that almost all the cool people are gone. And the shoe place just stopped calling, so I assume I'm fired.
With the costs of new cars, speeding tickets, and driving school I've noticed that... HEY! I'M FUCKING BROKE! I'M NEVER GETTING OUT OF MY HOUSE!
Unless I get straight A's this year I doubt I'll be able to attend the school of my choice, O'More. Finding the motivation to work so hard is proving significantly difficult at the moment.
If I could just wake the fuck up, be more assertive, and allow myself to relax, perhaps an orgasm would be in the cards.
My main man right now is cool and funny, an overall good guy who's cute. But I only kind of like him. I find myself continuing to think that I could do so much better. Younger. Sexier. More creative, artsy... more my type in general. If I would just go out there and get him I wouldn't have to worry about it anymore. What's my problem?

REALLY! I mean. I have got to figure that out.


Monday, June 05, 2006

knee deep snow

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
Last night on the way home I hit a deer.

My car it totaled.

My spirit is crushed.

I feel so... mortal.


Sunday, June 04, 2006

I just want to move ahead

Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
I know, it's been a long time. But I'm so absorbed in being in this awkward, frustrating place somewhere between having a crazy life and lacking one completely, that I can't find the time, energy, or material to create a post. I was thinking about it, wondering what I could possibly write about. I wanted it to be interesting, and different from some stupid update on jobs, boys, and other lame areas of my life. "What's the most interesting thing that's happened to you lately?" I asked myself. Which led me to a little memory, which made me realize what topic is always sure to attract attention.
I've been having too much of it lately.
I've been seeing HIM for a little over a month now, and spending so many nights with someone can turn into a learning experience. I've realized that this guy likes it rough. Bites, scratches, squeezes and general rough behavior turn him on like no other. I have no complaints, and am happy to oblige, giving and recieving a little pain here and there.
Things took a turn, though, when I whipped out the collar. This is the one I made for myself back in the day, forced De to wear for his goth day, and generally succeeds in making any outfit completely dark and suggestive. I assumed I'd get a reaction, but underestimated the power of this little accessory. Boy went crazy.
So, unsurprisingly, I've had my first experience involving asphyxiation. As I straddled him, completely stripped except for the collar, he made a habit of reaching behind me and tugging back on it just enough to limit my air supply. I wouldn't say this fetish is my favorite, but I certainly didn't mind it. It did turn me on a bit, and I liked feeling a bit controlled.
Then, however, the interesting thing happened. It got a little crazy, and suddenly, I was out.
I actually passed out while having sex.
It only lasted a few seconds, and I'm sure he didn't even notice. But the experience was bizarre. I've never passed out before, so at first I had no idea what had happened, and it freaked me the hell out.
Needless to say the next time I didn't wear the collar. I'll need a week or two before I break that baby out again. I'm teasing him with thoughts of corsets, fishnet, and various other leather attire I have to offer. This is getting interesting.

So besides that.

A bit of news. I found out just yesterday that a guy I used to date was shot and killed Friday night. Remember my posts about Ty? He was my rebound from the T relationship, and after the couple weeks we spent together back then, I didn't see him until I randomly ran into him at Cafe Coco a few months ago. The boy was infatuated with me, but I didn't plan to call him.
Apparently he was dealing drugs in East Nashville that night, and that was it. Now I'll never see him again. Turns out, though, he was one of those guys that everyone knew. He was always in trouble, an odd.. goofy kid. He was a nice guy, and despite some faults seemed like an all around good and loving person. It's sad to hear about his death.
I did think about giving him a ring every once in a while. His interest in me made him one of those guys I could call up any time, and he'd be all about hanging out and hooking up. I never did, though, and now I never can.

"Don't wait until tomorrow, because tonight.. everything could change."