hey miss murder
I suppose if these... things... would happen one at a time, I would be capable of a stronger grasp on the negativity. Somehow, however, they always manage to happen all at once, layering and layering the worries and thoughts in my head until all is buried and suffocated. So I flip out.
I had a panic attack in the car today with my mother and sister. It was about 9:30 AM or so, an hour and a half after my court date for a speeding ticket, that my silent tears erupted. I couldn't breathe, couldn't think, and each sob was uncontrollable.
I've been in varying stages of panic within the last 5 hours or so, and at this point I'm realizing that things could possibly be worse. The judge ended up not putting the ticket on my record, but taking my license for three weeks. I have to go to a 3 hour driving school one of these days.
But seriously.
Does this really have to happen ONE FUCKING DAY AFTER I pummel a deer and destroy my car? Now not only is my precious car Oatzle experiencing fatal injury.. completely undrive-able, but I can't even use my dad's truck for transportation now that there's no license to speak of. The idea of getting a ride makes my heart stop. Being so addicted to independence leaves me choking up at the simple thought of having to rely on other people just to get down the street to work a few measly hours for shit pay.
I know... it's like everything comes into light at these moments. All these realizations. I'm so unbelievably unhappy, going no where. I can't think of another area of my life that could be going wrong right now.
!Health.
I have a cold and a bladder infection.
%Work.
I almost hate my job now that almost all the cool people are gone. And the shoe place just stopped calling, so I assume I'm fired.
$Finances.
With the costs of new cars, speeding tickets, and driving school I've noticed that... HEY! I'M FUCKING BROKE! I'M NEVER GETTING OUT OF MY HOUSE!
^School.
Unless I get straight A's this year I doubt I'll be able to attend the school of my choice, O'More. Finding the motivation to work so hard is proving significantly difficult at the moment.
*Sex.
If I could just wake the fuck up, be more assertive, and allow myself to relax, perhaps an orgasm would be in the cards.
@Relationships.
My main man right now is cool and funny, an overall good guy who's cute. But I only kind of like him. I find myself continuing to think that I could do so much better. Younger. Sexier. More creative, artsy... more my type in general. If I would just go out there and get him I wouldn't have to worry about it anymore. What's my problem?
REALLY! I mean. I have got to figure that out.
~A
I had a panic attack in the car today with my mother and sister. It was about 9:30 AM or so, an hour and a half after my court date for a speeding ticket, that my silent tears erupted. I couldn't breathe, couldn't think, and each sob was uncontrollable.
I've been in varying stages of panic within the last 5 hours or so, and at this point I'm realizing that things could possibly be worse. The judge ended up not putting the ticket on my record, but taking my license for three weeks. I have to go to a 3 hour driving school one of these days.
But seriously.
Does this really have to happen ONE FUCKING DAY AFTER I pummel a deer and destroy my car? Now not only is my precious car Oatzle experiencing fatal injury.. completely undrive-able, but I can't even use my dad's truck for transportation now that there's no license to speak of. The idea of getting a ride makes my heart stop. Being so addicted to independence leaves me choking up at the simple thought of having to rely on other people just to get down the street to work a few measly hours for shit pay.
I know... it's like everything comes into light at these moments. All these realizations. I'm so unbelievably unhappy, going no where. I can't think of another area of my life that could be going wrong right now.
!Health.
I have a cold and a bladder infection.
%Work.
I almost hate my job now that almost all the cool people are gone. And the shoe place just stopped calling, so I assume I'm fired.
$Finances.
With the costs of new cars, speeding tickets, and driving school I've noticed that... HEY! I'M FUCKING BROKE! I'M NEVER GETTING OUT OF MY HOUSE!
^School.
Unless I get straight A's this year I doubt I'll be able to attend the school of my choice, O'More. Finding the motivation to work so hard is proving significantly difficult at the moment.
*Sex.
If I could just wake the fuck up, be more assertive, and allow myself to relax, perhaps an orgasm would be in the cards.
@Relationships.
My main man right now is cool and funny, an overall good guy who's cute. But I only kind of like him. I find myself continuing to think that I could do so much better. Younger. Sexier. More creative, artsy... more my type in general. If I would just go out there and get him I wouldn't have to worry about it anymore. What's my problem?
REALLY! I mean. I have got to figure that out.
~A
posted by Annie at 1:48 PM
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