Thursday, July 20, 2006

I will follow you


PIC00016
Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
Last night I dreamed my cat died. Then I became pregnant with twin girls. My grandfather informed me of the pregnancy, and I denied it was possible. I couldn't figure out who the father was, and the absolute fear and anger choked me. I woke up heaving dry sobs, but totally relieved.

Sometimes I hate the way my head combines bits and pieces of my daily life to create the wierdest fucking dreams.

~A

Monday, July 17, 2006

closing the god damn door


silica
Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
Hmm. Well. There isn't much to say, considering I haven't been spending my days doing much. X Box, R, work... umm. Yeah. I'm battling with myself right now. I could spend the next few hours... curling my hair... or playing Grand Theft Auto.

I could always just wear my hair up tomorrow.

~A

Friday, July 07, 2006

don't forget the violence


PDR_0680
Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
Hmm. I'm spending too much time with R.

Today we lounged on the couch and I surprised him with his very first blow job. Then he made me walk back and forth from my house to his house just so we could spend another maybe 10 minutes together. Then we worked together, then we spent a good hour or so hanging out behind Bricks. 'Twas fruitful, though, as while were were groping each other by my car I discovered that the boy can growl. I would have done him right then and there if I could have. Whew.. .yeah, he's SO using that against me from now on.

Anyway.

I'm so off track right now. No school work... no room work... no anything productive lately. I mean, except shifts at Bricks. Oh, which reminds me. I've decided to ask for a raise at the end of the month. No matter what. I have promised myself and set a goal and I will not come up with anymore damn excuses.

~A

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

rebel rebel


form
Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
'Twas a nice day, I'd say. Sweet, surprising, calm, and slow.

I woke up to the sweet sound of a phone call, and ended up going out for lunch and a movie with R. Afterwards I brought him home with me and showed him my room. Apparently the boy has a thing for sitting around and sifting through random piles of poetry and art... because good lord. Boy went crazy. Surprised the HELL out of me. He actually wanted to go for it... right then and there... lose his virginity just like that.
But I didn't. I mean, hell, I want it to.. but, I can't just make it easy for him.

~A

Tuesday, July 04, 2006

'til another day


tender-dance-1
Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
I just spent an entire day with my BOYFRIEND and his FAMILY in at their two-story house in FIELDSTONE FARMS... the ultimate SUBURBIA. Two judgemental PARENTS, 3 hyperactive CHILDREN, and alot of PATRIOTISM for July 4th.

These are all KEYWORDS... such as should not appear in the story of my life.

And yet they are beginning to

And it's freaking me the hell out.

I mean, for god's sake those people actually said they like me.

What's happening to the world?

~A

Monday, July 03, 2006

I've got to have it


PIC00020
Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
Well, this has been an emotionally taxing day.

I slept with HIM again on Saturday night. It wasn't planned, although is doesn't surprise me. Drugs, alcohol, an ex boyfriend, and a raging fire in the pants.... tends to add up and result in much humping.

So the question had to arise. What now? A meer week or two into this relationship, this supposedly real, exclusive relationship with R, and I've ALREADY FUCKED UP. I cheated on him. ALREADY. What the FUCK is my problem?
So at first I thought I wouldn't tell him. I thought I'd pack it away in my little mental trunk of things to not care or feel guilty about, and eventually I'd forget about it (like most things) and since it was so early in the relationship it wouldn't matter. But then, I actually felt bad. I felt like I had to tell him... because, what kind of way is that to begin a relationship?
So Sunday I marinated in my 'I'm worthless' state of mind, dragged through work, and tried to distract myself. I went out with my sister and visited some of her friends, got as high as possible, ordered pizza... whatever. Then I called Bricks to say hi to R when he got off, but he couldn't talk. So I told him to call me in the morning.
And he did.
And I told him.
R: "So why was your day so bad yesterday?"
Me: "Oh, well.. I had a horrible Saturday night, so I just did not want to be at work that morning."
R: "Oh yeah, what happened?"
Me: "Umm.."
R: "You were with (HIM) weren't you?"
Me: "Yeah."
R: "What happened?"
Me: "Well, he just got kind of carried away, and.."
R: "And you didn't stop it, did you?"
Me: "Well, since I was drunk off my ass..... no."
R: "So what happened?"
Me: "I, uh........ I kinda sorta slept with him."

SILENCE.

So that sucked.

So we got into a little tiff... and he told me to call him in a little while if I wanted to meet up. I had bad timing, though, and ended up trying to call him when he and his parents had gone out for lunch. Not knowing this, I freaked out. WHY ISN'T ANYONE ANSWERING THE PHONE!!??? Had he told his parents? Was he freaking out? Is this the end?
So I drove around (illegally, in my new car... without my license) and stopped by Bricks to see when he was working. Waiter Ga just happened to be sitting at the bar and asked me to stay and hang out with him. I didn't stay for long, but when he asked me what was wrong I told him everything. He actually gave me good advice. Still, however, I didn't know exactly what to do. I decided to wait a little while, and at 1:30 tried calling ONE MORE TIME. And his father answered. And was nice to me. And let me talk to him.

So we ended up meeting at the park, and fell into a completely awkward, angry silence.

To make a long story short, we talked everything out, figured out where we both stand... and ended up in a good place. I asked him to stay with me, and we agreed to start over. We're together. I'm meeting his parents tomorrow, at their (painfully suburban, I'm sure) 4th of July barbeque.

Everything is okay.

Now all I have to do is avoid HIM.

~A

Saturday, July 01, 2006

i'm a love addict


PIC00007
Originally uploaded by Pancakes.
Well, I do wish I could hang out with HIM without us ending up on top of each other. Apparently we can't just be friends, though, and I don't know what to do. I feel a connection to him, and I miss him constantly. At the same time, I've undoubtedly fallen for R, and am deperately trying to control myself and have a lasting relationship with him. I'm just one horny bitch, though, and waiting for him is proving all kinds of difficult. Not to mention this whole thing he has with his parents. I mean, they're beyond strict. Within a week I've gotten him grounded twice. It's starting to piss me off.

I have the day off. I'm trying to enjoy it, dammit.

~A