Because I have the time and the mind....

Live a simple life

2006-10-14T14:30:00.000-05:00

PIC00023
Originally uploaded by Pancakes.

Okay, so where am I now?

After two weeks with my mother on vacation, re-adjusting to her presence is proving surprisingly difficult. I had enjoyed the pleasant feeling of waking up to a quiet, empty, peaceful house. It was also quite satisfying to live my life without a single phone call from her, asking where I was, what I was doing, and what time I'd be home. Oh look... nothing happened when she wasn't here to bitch. I didn't die, get arrested, or become engulfed in any sort of life altering trouble. Oh look... I can take care of myself and function under my own jurisdiction. What a revelation.

I've discovered a few new passions. The most recent, Poetry Slam. A trio of poets came down here from Kentucky to perform at Cafe Coco last Thursday. I hadn't ever seen something like it in person, and the energy and emotion they had was very inspiring. It made me start writing again, only with more freedom. They have these competitions and such. You can find out more about it here: http://www.poetryslam.com/
It's a really cool thing, and something I might like to try to do myself.

Another passion? Shrooms. I'm taking a break from them at the moment, considering that I had the sneaking suspicion they were starting to fuck with my head with too much use. They really kicked my creativity back into gear, though, and gave me access to so many other perspectives.

And yet the most intense passion, the one that consumes me more than any other at the moment.. is HIM. The one who's name is not to be uttered, who I've been sleeping with since the last week of April. So that's around 6 months we've been seeing each other. I tried to break it off with him once, to pursue a 'real' relationship with R, who I met when he appeared as the new dish guy at Bricks. The fact that he was actually my age seemed to ruin things, though, since we couldn't really meet in the middle... as far as levels of maturity, lifestyles, religious views, family values, morals... we were polar opposites. So I saw failure in that from the beginning.. and I continued my relationship with HIM at the same time. Both of them knew about the other, though, so I wouldn't say I did any cheating or anything of that nature. I couldn't handle being a 'girlfriend' to R. All the calls and talking and guilt trips and having to answer to someone... not my thing at the time. That ended after a month or so. Somewhere along the line, I had this intense night with HIM, and ended up curled up in his bed, sobbing with panic about the realization that I was in love with him.
FUCK.
Hence the passion. I've become completely consumed by this fear and worry and apprehension. I never wanted or intended to become deeply involved with him, and now that I want to I can't get a good idea of how he feels about me. I don't how to tell him how I feel, nor if I should do that at all. AND I CAN'T STOP FUCKING THINKING ABOUT IT. I finally took the first step this morning by talking to him and asking if he's been involved with anyone else. He responded with a hasty no, joking that he hasn't had the time for anyone else.. hence explaining why I don't hear from him as often as I used to. All the.. being busy.. and such. I suppose 3 jobs could cut into your sex time. So that was semi encouraging, but unsettling in it's own way. He's going to call me later, and hopefully I'll see him later so I can pick up with the.. talking.. again. It's just every time I get close to approaching the topic with him, I get these montrous butterflies in my stomach and reconsider the idea of wanting to be his girlfriend. I haven't been comfortable with being a girlfriend, exclusively, with anyone in a long, long time.

So on continues my screwy love and sex life, which I fear (and perhaps hope a little as well) will never settle down. I'm still working on getting over the realization that the bartender at cafe coco, a beautiful girl that I've been crushing on since the first day I saw her, has a new girlfriend. But we won't get into that.

I'm just sitting here, bored out of my mind. Everything seems to have drifted back down into this unorganized, messed up, depressing hole I find myself in every month or two. I desperately need to get school finished, but my struggle through one civics and economics test this morning was enough to leave me quite deprived of motivation. I must have said something wrong at an interview at Cafe Coco... not getting that job was a major blow, and the idea of resorting to another hostessing job in this shithole of an uninspired suburban town is really pissing me off. But what can I do? Take it one day at a time, see what life throws my way, and deal with it creatively.

?

~A

Screaming Bunny

2006-09-11T18:24:00.000-05:00

PIC00013
Originally uploaded by Pancakes.

You have to see this. :)
Check out the Screaming Bunny.

http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoID=1102047449

~A

Why you should give stuff to the homeless people

2006-09-08T13:37:00.000-05:00

circular-skin
Originally uploaded by Pancakes.

So I'm leaving Cafe Coco last night when I catch a glimpse of a guy who's always there and seems interesting.. but whom I've never actually talked to for more then a second. I keep walking, kind of depressed from all the boredom. Suddenly, I glance back towards the Cafe when I see the guy following me. "Hey," he says, and waves. I stop, only semi-disturbed. He's cute... with long dirty blonde hair, a chiseled face, and a small body. He's wearing all black and smoking a cigarette. As he approaches, he asks my name, then shakes my hand and gives me his name in return. His movements are a little shaky, and there's something odd about him overall. Like copious amounts of drug use have left him a little... off. He pursues a conversation, telling me how shy he is and how much he sucks at meeting people. Somewhere along the line, a homeless man approaches. He's dark, wearing a deep red polo shirt, and his skin looks a tad mangled in a way. He asks my new friend, we'll call him Jay, for a cigarette, who acts as if the one he's smoking at the time is his last. "Sorry, man," he says in a cool voice, "This is my last. You can have it if you want." The man begs, offering him 50 cents for a fresh smoke, but only gets the half-smoked one. As the man walks away, Jay smirks at me and pulls out a full pack to light up again. Our conversation turns toward music, and he asks if I've heard the more recent Rammstein. I haven't, so he offers to play it for me since he has the music in his car. I hesitate at first, unsure of him, but when he point out his car, which is just across the street, I figure what the hell. I tell him to wait just a moment as I walk to my car and lock my purse in the car. Then I go over to his car. I don't get in even though he offers me a seat... I opt to stand on the outside as he begins to search the CD for his favorite songs. Before long, a movement behind us catches my eye, and I see the same homeless man walking towards us. I get a bad feeling, but don't move, unable to react. Just as I suspect, he walks up to us. "You see this?" he says, holding a small black handgun out for us to see. I gasp, freezing in my spot as Jay lets out a "woah!" and starts stepping away. The man stops him, and holds the gun to his back. "You want to get shot tonight?" he asks. I don't have the slightest idea what to do... and merely stare wide-eyed at the gun as he threatens us with it. This has never happened to me before. He waves the gun in my direction for a moment, saying I need to give him my purse. I don't have it. I don't know if Jay has anything on him, but he manages to start walking away with his hands up, expecting me to follow. I stay where I am as the man looks at me. I put my hands up, showing him the car keys in my hand, "I don't... I don't have a purse... I don't have anything on me," I say fearfully. He looks me up and down as Jay starts yelling.. "Baby!" he calls me, "Annie, come on.. just walk away!!" The man glances at him, pointing the gun in his direction. All I can think is that even though I don't know this guy I just met, I don't want to see him shot or killed.. and I'm afraid that if I follow the man will just shoot us both from behind. Somehow the man changes his mind, and with a quick glance into Jay's car.. he jogs away and around the corner.
At this point I'm in a state of total disbelief. All the what-if's start flowing through my head. What if I hadn't put my purse in my car? What if he had shot Jay.. what would I have done? What if I had been killed just then? Jay comes to my side asking if I'm okay, apoligizing profusely. We're walking swiftly down the sidewalk as I begin to freak out. "OH MY GOD. Oh, my.. that has NEVER happened to me before!" I say, looking over at Jay but not really seeing anything but a blur as my adrenaline peaks. We stop as he continues to talk, saying it has happened to him, and the best thing to do is walk away. "I'm so sorry," he says, "I didn't know that would happen." I laugh, "No, it's okay... I know." Our speech is hurried, and we're passing nervous laughter back and forth.
Before long he's talking about finding a cop at the cafe... since they lurk around now and then, and he runs off. At this point I can't make any decisions. All I know is that I need to leave before a cop comes into the picture. I don't particularly feel like getting shit for being out past curfew.
So after a few more surprising happenings, Jay calls the police and I tell him I have to leave. "Oh, that's cool," he says, "If you don't want your name on the report, that's cool, you can go. Hopefully I'll see you around here again soon." So I leave, driving slower then I ever have before... still wide-eyed and feeling the shock. After about 15 minutes I burst into tears for a second, then start thinking of who the hell would be up that I could call and tell. MY GOD I HAVE TO TELL SOMEONE, I kept thinking. I couldn't think of who to call, so I kept it in as I drove home, and kept it in as a slipped into bed, suddenly fully appreciative of the safety of home.

So.... woah.

~A

well just send me a message in a bottle then, baby

2006-08-16T13:03:00.000-05:00

greenfairy
Originally uploaded by Pancakes.

I don't know if I'll ever get back to updating every day. Maybe I should try doing it once a week or something. I'm just so wrapped up in life and other things, I rarely think about blogging anymore. I don't feel like I have time for it.

blah

I don't really know what to say.

What do you want to know?

~A

when your soul embarks

2006-08-04T10:54:00.000-05:00

K-ego
Originally uploaded by Pancakes.

K, so there's alot going on.

I'm getting my life together. After having a serious case of strep and becoming one year older, I'm all like... yeah, I'm gonna get my life together. Somehow sitting here in my underwear with a ravaged piece of birthday cake I had for breakfast sitting in front of me as I tell hundreds of people all about me doesnt seem.... "together." But I swear to god...

I have all these things to do, but it all becomes possible with one step.... finishing my bedroom. I got some great gifts, like a very nice, good sized TV with a built-in DVD player, and an easil. These are both supposed to somehow squeeze into the tiny space referred to as my room, so I've had to apply alot of creativity to the re-arranging process. It's finished, though, and all I have to do now is put everything away, buy a few things to finish off the decor, and hang up every piece of clothing I own, since making room for tvs and easils required banishing the awesome antique dresser I had.

But see... as soon as I'm finished, I can start using the space to get shit done. I want to paint, design, sew, write, photograph, study, read, workout, watch movies and TV, play x-box, visit with Cheesecake (my new hamster), hang out, have sex... all of which I can now do in my room, comfortably and peacefully (if so desired), now that it's no longer pile of disorganized crap and clothing that no one can navigate without breaking off a limb.

So that's good. Now I just have to figure out my relationship world. It's hectic at the moment.
Plus, I'm crazy horny right now considering... HE seems to be mad at me for one reason or another, R is at band camp (yes, I just uttered the words BAND CAMP... shut up), and I don't want to fuck De again, considering that after having good sex, I realize that sex with De is the worst sex possible.
So I'm screwed, in every way except the way I want to be.

Oh yeah.. so R wants me to drive out to Cumberland University today to visit him at band camp. That's about an hour drive, with much gas lossage and much unfamiliar interstate... all for no more then alot of high school kids, sun, and maybe one hour to hang out with R. No thank you.
I was surprised with an email from the 35-year old... wait, that's become 36... and he's in town tonight. I'm thinking about giving him a ring... we always have interesting conversation and I would like to see him.
I have to figure out how to patch things up with HIM. Of course it didn't help last night when at 9:30 I told him I'd call him back in about an hour, and didn't bother even send a text message until 2 AM.
I also have to set a date with kitchen boy C, with whom my friendship has completely dissolved. Neither one of us managed to say anything until last night, and now we need to "get together and talk." Of course he's left the planning up to me... "Just tell me when and where, I'll be there." God that pisses me off.

Anyway. Today I have cleaning and shopping to do.. as housewife-ish as that sounds. Luckily I'm up early, so I have that whole... "long day ahead of me" feeling.

~A

I will follow you

2006-07-20T14:45:00.000-05:00

PIC00016
Originally uploaded by Pancakes.

Last night I dreamed my cat died. Then I became pregnant with twin girls. My grandfather informed me of the pregnancy, and I denied it was possible. I couldn't figure out who the father was, and the absolute fear and anger choked me. I woke up heaving dry sobs, but totally relieved.

Sometimes I hate the way my head combines bits and pieces of my daily life to create the wierdest fucking dreams.

~A

closing the god damn door

2006-07-17T22:00:00.000-05:00

silica
Originally uploaded by Pancakes.

Hmm. Well. There isn't much to say, considering I haven't been spending my days doing much. X Box, R, work... umm. Yeah. I'm battling with myself right now. I could spend the next few hours... curling my hair... or playing Grand Theft Auto.

I could always just wear my hair up tomorrow.

~A

don't forget the violence

2006-07-07T23:46:00.000-05:00

PDR_0680
Originally uploaded by Pancakes.

Hmm. I'm spending too much time with R.

Today we lounged on the couch and I surprised him with his very first blow job. Then he made me walk back and forth from my house to his house just so we could spend another maybe 10 minutes together. Then we worked together, then we spent a good hour or so hanging out behind Bricks. 'Twas fruitful, though, as while were were groping each other by my car I discovered that the boy can growl. I would have done him right then and there if I could have. Whew.. .yeah, he's SO using that against me from now on.

Anyway.

I'm so off track right now. No school work... no room work... no anything productive lately. I mean, except shifts at Bricks. Oh, which reminds me. I've decided to ask for a raise at the end of the month. No matter what. I have promised myself and set a goal and I will not come up with anymore damn excuses.

~A

rebel rebel

2006-07-05T21:30:00.000-05:00

form
Originally uploaded by Pancakes.

'Twas a nice day, I'd say. Sweet, surprising, calm, and slow.

I woke up to the sweet sound of a phone call, and ended up going out for lunch and a movie with R. Afterwards I brought him home with me and showed him my room. Apparently the boy has a thing for sitting around and sifting through random piles of poetry and art... because good lord. Boy went crazy. Surprised the HELL out of me. He actually wanted to go for it... right then and there... lose his virginity just like that.
But I didn't. I mean, hell, I want it to.. but, I can't just make it easy for him.

~A

'til another day

2006-07-04T23:11:00.000-05:00

tender-dance-1
Originally uploaded by Pancakes.

I just spent an entire day with my BOYFRIEND and his FAMILY in at their two-story house in FIELDSTONE FARMS... the ultimate SUBURBIA. Two judgemental PARENTS, 3 hyperactive CHILDREN, and alot of PATRIOTISM for July 4th.

These are all KEYWORDS... such as should not appear in the story of my life.

And yet they are beginning to

And it's freaking me the hell out.

I mean, for god's sake those people actually said they like me.

What's happening to the world?

~A

I've got to have it

2006-07-03T17:49:00.000-05:00

PIC00020
Originally uploaded by Pancakes.

Well, this has been an emotionally taxing day.

I slept with HIM again on Saturday night. It wasn't planned, although is doesn't surprise me. Drugs, alcohol, an ex boyfriend, and a raging fire in the pants.... tends to add up and result in much humping.

So the question had to arise. What now? A meer week or two into this relationship, this supposedly real, exclusive relationship with R, and I've ALREADY FUCKED UP. I cheated on him. ALREADY. What the FUCK is my problem?
So at first I thought I wouldn't tell him. I thought I'd pack it away in my little mental trunk of things to not care or feel guilty about, and eventually I'd forget about it (like most things) and since it was so early in the relationship it wouldn't matter. But then, I actually felt bad. I felt like I had to tell him... because, what kind of way is that to begin a relationship?
So Sunday I marinated in my 'I'm worthless' state of mind, dragged through work, and tried to distract myself. I went out with my sister and visited some of her friends, got as high as possible, ordered pizza... whatever. Then I called Bricks to say hi to R when he got off, but he couldn't talk. So I told him to call me in the morning.
And he did.
And I told him.
R: "So why was your day so bad yesterday?"
Me: "Oh, well.. I had a horrible Saturday night, so I just did not want to be at work that morning."
R: "Oh yeah, what happened?"
Me: "Umm.."
R: "You were with (HIM) weren't you?"
Me: "Yeah."
R: "What happened?"
Me: "Well, he just got kind of carried away, and.."
R: "And you didn't stop it, did you?"
Me: "Well, since I was drunk off my ass..... no."
R: "So what happened?"
Me: "I, uh........ I kinda sorta slept with him."

SILENCE.

So that sucked.

So we got into a little tiff... and he told me to call him in a little while if I wanted to meet up. I had bad timing, though, and ended up trying to call him when he and his parents had gone out for lunch. Not knowing this, I freaked out. WHY ISN'T ANYONE ANSWERING THE PHONE!!??? Had he told his parents? Was he freaking out? Is this the end?
So I drove around (illegally, in my new car... without my license) and stopped by Bricks to see when he was working. Waiter Ga just happened to be sitting at the bar and asked me to stay and hang out with him. I didn't stay for long, but when he asked me what was wrong I told him everything. He actually gave me good advice. Still, however, I didn't know exactly what to do. I decided to wait a little while, and at 1:30 tried calling ONE MORE TIME. And his father answered. And was nice to me. And let me talk to him.

So we ended up meeting at the park, and fell into a completely awkward, angry silence.

To make a long story short, we talked everything out, figured out where we both stand... and ended up in a good place. I asked him to stay with me, and we agreed to start over. We're together. I'm meeting his parents tomorrow, at their (painfully suburban, I'm sure) 4th of July barbeque.

Everything is okay.

Now all I have to do is avoid HIM.

~A

i'm a love addict

2006-07-01T12:15:00.000-05:00

PIC00007
Originally uploaded by Pancakes.

Well, I do wish I could hang out with HIM without us ending up on top of each other. Apparently we can't just be friends, though, and I don't know what to do. I feel a connection to him, and I miss him constantly. At the same time, I've undoubtedly fallen for R, and am deperately trying to control myself and have a lasting relationship with him. I'm just one horny bitch, though, and waiting for him is proving all kinds of difficult. Not to mention this whole thing he has with his parents. I mean, they're beyond strict. Within a week I've gotten him grounded twice. It's starting to piss me off.

I have the day off. I'm trying to enjoy it, dammit.

~A

I run the water very very very hot

2006-06-28T14:06:00.000-05:00

ler1
Originally uploaded by Pancakes.

I've got to get back into blogging. There's alot going on at the moment.
Like... I have a boyfriend. It feels wierd and is an interesting combination, but I have a fairly good feeling about it. The question is... can I stand to be celibate until he's ready to lose his virginity? YEAH.. it's like that. Spending entire days with him has me entirely distracted. Now I'm way behind on school work, and have halted so many projects. It's frustrating, so I'm enjoying a couple days away from him to re-adjust.
I finally have my license back, and I bought a new car. Of course something has to go wrong, though, so I can't drive the car until we get alot of registration and title shit worked out. It's an awesome car, though, so much nicer than my first one... and totally worth the wait.

I was planning to go out and get myself into trouble tonight, but was recently informed that my sister got tickets to a concert tonight. Apparently I'm invited, so.. sweet.
Anyway. I'm determined to finish renovating my room today. Tomorrow, I'm resuming my studies. Hopefully I can get everything back under control. I can't forget, though, today I HAVE to get my birth control re-filled, stop at the bank and try to get some checks so I can start sending them to my grandfather to repay the loan he gave me for the car, return a CD to Julie, and say hello to R (the boy) if he's working tonight. He and I have begun a habit of writing letters back and forth to each other. I know, painfully cute, right? But that's just him... all over... PAINFULLY cute.

~A

keep looking at my..

2006-06-18T22:07:00.000-05:00

dorte
Originally uploaded by Pancakes.

Just filling a fellow Bricks employee in on the news. Starting tomorrow, hostesses are on tip share. We're getting 1% of each of the waiter's sales each night. So... freakin' yes! It's about time. We deserve it. So let's keep up the good work, eh?

Oh, and as for general blogging.... yeah, I'm gonna pick that up again real soon.

~A

I know myself

2006-06-16T14:47:00.000-05:00

PIC00016
Originally uploaded by Pancakes.

Well, last night at work I realized this:

I should be a man.

As I texted back and forth with HIM throughout the night, he informed me of the awful day he had had. I sympathized for the most part, at least until he told me how tired he was from the strain and heat of the day he spent working outside. I didn't offer any "poor baby's" or "feel better's" or "get some rest's"..... instead I turned to B and said, "Well, the boy is worn out... looks like I'm not gettin' any tonight."

I seem to lack sensitivity.

~A

the weekend come

2006-06-10T15:54:00.000-05:00

PDR_1180
Originally uploaded by Pancakes.

Well, I suppose I'm doing my best to enjoy my Saturday. I did a shitload of Sudoku, ate some chicken strips, and established myself as the middle man in a drug deal.

I've realized that I might as well be HIS girlfriend. The guy calls me everyday, and we've spent the last 3 days together. Wednesday he came over for the first time, and ended up meeting and hanging out with my entire family. They all get along smashingly. Thursday he came over twice, first to hang with my sister and I, and second sans family for a smoke and sex on the wicker couch on the back porch. That was painful. By Friday I'd had just about enough of him, and wasn't going to call him until Saturday. He would have none of it, though, and called me, convincing me to let him pick me up to hang at his house. The boy is crazy. So far we've managed to get me in and out of his house without getting caught. Last night, however, after I gave him a backrub, he fell asleep on me, and I laid there for hours wishing I had a car and could just go the hell home, his mother walked in the room to turn his TV off. I froze, and tried to act like I was asleep. If she noticed me, she didn't react, but her movement woke him up. It was at that moment, that he decided he was in the mood. He got up to lock the door, then moved close to me on the bed. 'You're kidding, right?' was all I could think. 'I mean, of all times, you want to have sex NOW, right after you're mother was in here?'
I don't know. I'm trying not to fall for him. I don't want to, but I feel it's not entirely up to me. He's just such a good guy. He's so sweet to me, and I can tell he genuinely cares. He likes being with me, holding me, and doing what he can to make me happy. I keep discovering little things I like about him, and physically my attraction keeps growing. Like last night, as I followed him towards his house and up the stairs, I realized he has got the cutest ass. I like his calves too.
I think I'm just afraid to fall for anyone. I have this fear that the moment I do, someone else will come along, and everything will be so much harder.

Anyway.

~A

hey miss murder

2006-06-06T13:48:00.000-05:00

susannenorge3STOR-KILL
Originally uploaded by Pancakes.

I suppose if these... things... would happen one at a time, I would be capable of a stronger grasp on the negativity. Somehow, however, they always manage to happen all at once, layering and layering the worries and thoughts in my head until all is buried and suffocated. So I flip out.
I had a panic attack in the car today with my mother and sister. It was about 9:30 AM or so, an hour and a half after my court date for a speeding ticket, that my silent tears erupted. I couldn't breathe, couldn't think, and each sob was uncontrollable.
I've been in varying stages of panic within the last 5 hours or so, and at this point I'm realizing that things could possibly be worse. The judge ended up not putting the ticket on my record, but taking my license for three weeks. I have to go to a 3 hour driving school one of these days.
But seriously.
Does this really have to happen ONE FUCKING DAY AFTER I pummel a deer and destroy my car? Now not only is my precious car Oatzle experiencing fatal injury.. completely undrive-able, but I can't even use my dad's truck for transportation now that there's no license to speak of. The idea of getting a ride makes my heart stop. Being so addicted to independence leaves me choking up at the simple thought of having to rely on other people just to get down the street to work a few measly hours for shit pay.
I know... it's like everything comes into light at these moments. All these realizations. I'm so unbelievably unhappy, going no where. I can't think of another area of my life that could be going wrong right now.
!Health.
I have a cold and a bladder infection.
%Work.
I almost hate my job now that almost all the cool people are gone. And the shoe place just stopped calling, so I assume I'm fired.
$Finances.
With the costs of new cars, speeding tickets, and driving school I've noticed that... HEY! I'M FUCKING BROKE! I'M NEVER GETTING OUT OF MY HOUSE!
^School.
Unless I get straight A's this year I doubt I'll be able to attend the school of my choice, O'More. Finding the motivation to work so hard is proving significantly difficult at the moment.
*Sex.
If I could just wake the fuck up, be more assertive, and allow myself to relax, perhaps an orgasm would be in the cards.
@Relationships.
My main man right now is cool and funny, an overall good guy who's cute. But I only kind of like him. I find myself continuing to think that I could do so much better. Younger. Sexier. More creative, artsy... more my type in general. If I would just go out there and get him I wouldn't have to worry about it anymore. What's my problem?

REALLY! I mean. I have got to figure that out.

~A

knee deep snow

2006-06-05T14:32:00.000-05:00

study
Originally uploaded by Pancakes.

Last night on the way home I hit a deer.

My car it totaled.

My spirit is crushed.

I feel so... mortal.

~A

I just want to move ahead

2006-06-04T17:11:00.000-05:00

PIC00010
Originally uploaded by Pancakes.

I know, it's been a long time. But I'm so absorbed in being in this awkward, frustrating place somewhere between having a crazy life and lacking one completely, that I can't find the time, energy, or material to create a post. I was thinking about it, wondering what I could possibly write about. I wanted it to be interesting, and different from some stupid update on jobs, boys, and other lame areas of my life. "What's the most interesting thing that's happened to you lately?" I asked myself. Which led me to a little memory, which made me realize what topic is always sure to attract attention.
Sex.
I've been having too much of it lately.
I've been seeing HIM for a little over a month now, and spending so many nights with someone can turn into a learning experience. I've realized that this guy likes it rough. Bites, scratches, squeezes and general rough behavior turn him on like no other. I have no complaints, and am happy to oblige, giving and recieving a little pain here and there.
Things took a turn, though, when I whipped out the collar. This is the one I made for myself back in the day, forced De to wear for his goth day, and generally succeeds in making any outfit completely dark and suggestive. I assumed I'd get a reaction, but underestimated the power of this little accessory. Boy went crazy.
So, unsurprisingly, I've had my first experience involving asphyxiation. As I straddled him, completely stripped except for the collar, he made a habit of reaching behind me and tugging back on it just enough to limit my air supply. I wouldn't say this fetish is my favorite, but I certainly didn't mind it. It did turn me on a bit, and I liked feeling a bit controlled.
Then, however, the interesting thing happened. It got a little crazy, and suddenly, I was out.
I actually passed out while having sex.
It only lasted a few seconds, and I'm sure he didn't even notice. But the experience was bizarre. I've never passed out before, so at first I had no idea what had happened, and it freaked me the hell out.
Needless to say the next time I didn't wear the collar. I'll need a week or two before I break that baby out again. I'm teasing him with thoughts of corsets, fishnet, and various other leather attire I have to offer. This is getting interesting.

So besides that.

A bit of news. I found out just yesterday that a guy I used to date was shot and killed Friday night. Remember my posts about Ty? He was my rebound from the T relationship, and after the couple weeks we spent together back then, I didn't see him until I randomly ran into him at Cafe Coco a few months ago. The boy was infatuated with me, but I didn't plan to call him.
Apparently he was dealing drugs in East Nashville that night, and that was it. Now I'll never see him again. Turns out, though, he was one of those guys that everyone knew. He was always in trouble, an odd.. goofy kid. He was a nice guy, and despite some faults seemed like an all around good and loving person. It's sad to hear about his death.
I did think about giving him a ring every once in a while. His interest in me made him one of those guys I could call up any time, and he'd be all about hanging out and hooking up. I never did, though, and now I never can.

"Don't wait until tomorrow, because tonight.. everything could change."

~A

my fair lady

2006-05-28T20:12:00.000-05:00

051005qa_petewentz
Originally uploaded by Pancakes.

Woke up this morning with a dreadful case of something that makes my body ache, head pound, throat stop up, and stomach act wierd. The morning shift at Bricks was simply out of the question.
Never before have I hated all the hostesses more.
The only person I could get in contact with was hostess Ch, who was working the morning shift at Blue Cactus. She called some people, and I swear she reported some of the lamest excuses I have ever heard. Such as, "Yeah, um, I can't... I won't be able to get ready in time."
Oh really. I'm calling you at 9:30 in the morning to work at 11, and you won't be able to throw on a tee and jeans in that hour and a half?
Clearly, despite the numerous times I've taken shifts for other hostesses for stupid reasons, the one time I'm in really dire straits and am dying for someone to work for me, no one cares that I can barely move or breathe.
Two of the hostesses from Blue Cactus who said they just couldn't possibly come in, actually had the audacity to show up at about 2 pm, talking about the shopping they had done that morning. I could tell they were skeptical about my illness, but once one of them had the balls to say she bet it was just a hangover, I wanted to choke them both. Fortunately, I couldn't find the strength to lift my arms.

~A

twisting and turning

2006-05-24T17:18:00.000-05:00

tot
Originally uploaded by Pancakes.

Last night, after a particularly amazing romp with HIM, kitchen boy C called me. It was nearing 12:30 AM. This was the unexpected words he said, "Hey I need you to do me a huge favor, can I get dropped off at your house here in a minute? I need you to take me back to my car in a few minutes. The cops made us leave without them."

The COPS?

What now?

Turns out dumbass De and C finally got caught drinking after work. Both of them being underage turned into 3 cops, threats of arrest, De's mom coming to sort it out, De sobbing, and both of them being forced to leave their cars and get other rides.
Part of me wanted to feel bad about De's misfortune, considering that he's had numerous problems with the law lately, I believe was on probation, and has various issues at the moment. The other part just wanted to laugh. Motherfucker deserves it.

Today, however, B sent me the message, "OMG did you hear about De?" Then, "That's going to be so wierd."
My question of what would be wierd was replied to with, "Him not being there."

WWW.... WHAT?

I get the impression that the boy won't be working at Bricks anymore.

I have yet to allow myself to fully react.

~A

however you want to

2006-05-19T14:55:00.000-05:00

180px-Wentz
Originally uploaded by Pancakes.

I did something different today.
I went to school.

'Twas spring fling at Franklin High, and since B is going out of town and I won't see her for two weeks, I decided to go over and spend the day with her.

Besides the blistering sun, boring people, and overall lack of intrigue, I had an interesting time. Not only did I have the goth/emo/different kids staring me down, questioning whether I belonged with them, but also the preppy/popular kids.. since De seemed to enjoy pointing me out and informing whomever was around that I'd fucked him. Fortunately, since B is a band geek, I managed to remain undefinable.

It was cool to see some of the people I used to have classes with. Most of them were surprised, asking what the hell happened to me. It was fun, with the ways I've changed..... actually being able to carry on conversations with people. I'd say I'm more grown up, and my once hardcore goth style has softened and become something still dark and different, but more sophisticated and attractive. I got attention from people who used to ignore me completely.

Oh yes, and I ran into an old crush of mine. I liked him in 8th grade, and my flaming attraction to him continued into high school. I didn't see him much until my sophomore year, but by the time I'd left he was much out of my mind. We did talk a bit, on and off, but never managed to develop any real friendship. So, seeing him was odd. His look has changed, not so much for the better, but he's one of those people..... there's just something about him. I was quite surprised by our encounter, though. I was pacing around, wishing for shade, as B talked to some people I didn't know. This crush passed by, and I wasn't paying much attention until he tapped my shoulder. "Oh hey!" I said, acting surprised and glad to see him. He was calm, moving slowly, as he greeted me and held his arms out a bit, as if asking for a hug. I don't believe we had ever touched in any way before, so I was slow to get closer, but we shared a quick yet suggestive hug. He asked what had happened to me, how homeschooling was, and we updated each other on our current activities and whereabouts. Things sort of paused, and as I watched him he seemed to be staring at me in a way he never had before. I laughed a bit as he reached over and pulled me close, wrapping his arms around my neck and shoulders. I put my hand on his back, feeling his shoulderblades, and let it slide down to rest just above his ass. He was grinning, and just stopped there... hanging on and pressing against me. I was so surprised.
"Are you okay?" is all I could manage to ask.
"Sort of," he mumbled.
"Are you high?" I asked, assessing the situation.
"Sort of," he repeated.
"Oh, sounds good. Wish I was too," I said.
With that we pulled away, and he continued staring. I was confused, wondering what to make of this and whether I should give him my number.
It was one of those somewhat awkward, 'so anyway', moments, as I glanced around and he mentioned something about having to go find his friend. We reluctantly said our goodbyes, and he said he'd see me around.
O... KAY then.
B had finished up her socializing, and joined me again. She inquired, and I described what had happened in an exasperated way. "I can't believe that just happened," I said. "Well, Annie, you know you were always cute, but now... you're fuckin' hot," she said, "I bet he wishes he didn't have a girlfriend."
Huh?
Whoops.

So anyway.

~A

born to lead

2006-05-17T23:09:00.000-05:00

2005100616324088
Originally uploaded by Pancakes.

I just wrote an entire post, only to tap a wrong key and lose the entire thing. That's just great, the perfect thing to add to the shit day I've had.

I worked at the shoe place from 1 to 5, spending my time straightening up shit when the owner was there, and reading magazines when she wasn't.

I tried to feel better by spending the time before my Bricks shift eating something and changing clothes, but it proved pointless. My mood just steadily dropped as I worked. Not only did I wimp out and not say a word to Sh, but De made a point to harass me constantly. I think his attitude is discouraging me... probably just like he wants it to.

My dad goes in for some sort of heart surgery tomorrow. Everyone is taking the day off to be at the hospital, except for me. I will be selling shoes, and seating tables, and generally forgetting that I even have a family in the first place.

It doesn't matter.

I don't care.

I'm cool.

I'm relaxed.

And everything will always be okay.

~A

keep me in line

2006-05-16T17:18:00.000-05:00

PIC00003
Originally uploaded by Pancakes.

So I spoke of the challenge I'd set for myself, the coy intelligence I'd have to conjure up in order to capture my prey... the sexy and seemingly untouchable Sh. Turns out I overestimated the difficulty level. Not but a day or two later, and I've already snagged him. I swear, the guy is so easy it's almost sad.
I suppose that's part of what I like about him, though. He's admirably laid back, and open to all possibilities.
Damn good kisser, too.

De seems absolutely livid about the whole thing. He teased me about hooking up with his bro before it seemed possible. Now that it's happening, his demeanor has changed completely. I spent Saturday night at his house, hanging out with Sh. We watched TV, had a few beers, shared a few bowls, and talked up a storm. We connected. The next morning, De and I arrived at work at exactly the same time. I watched him, and the angry look he gave me said alot.
I have to say, I'm so unbelievably happy Sh showed up. The moment he entered the picture, it lifted this huge burden I've had on my shoulders since the beginning of De and I. Every longing I've had for De has completely vanished, and I love being able to look at him and not feel a single thing.
I'm also thoroughly pleased to find that besides physically, Sh is nothing like De. They think differently, act differently. He's actually very sweet, kind of shy... not at all cocky or manipulative. He's not preppy, more the type that avoids definition.. which I love, and he likes "girls like me."

heh heh

Anyway.

I've decided to go ahead and break it off with K. After spending one more evening with him and finding myself losing all interest, I don't see the point in continuing. I do hope this won't affect the blooming relationship his best friend has developed with S.. but considering his immaturity, I'll expect the worst.

I haven't returned a couple texts from the 35 year old, and Maggiano boy promises to call but is returning to Russia next month, so I don't see the point.

As for HIM, well, we're still involved. I don't feel the need to admit my interest in Sh to him, considering that the biggest thing in our relationship is that there be no limitations. I like talking and hanging out with him, and the sex is nice as well. I think we're both on the edge, though. We could go either way with this. He has been calling me an awful lot, hinting towards a growing interest. I suppose the deciding issue may be Sh.

I suppose we'll see what happens.

Of course I can't wait until tomorrow, Sh is working pizza and it should be slow enough for us to talk a bit.

So there. Complete relationship update.

I do have other things to write about, I swear.

Like how much working at the shoe place sucks, and
How I've nearly failed my last two math tests, and
How I actually did laundry today, and
How I got a new cell phone... razr, bitches.

~A

you still don't like to leave before the end of the movie

2006-05-11T22:18:00.000-05:00

PIC00006
Originally uploaded by Pancakes.

Well well well. Guess who started working at Bricks yesterday? That would be Sh, DE'S BROTHER!

AAAAHHHH HAHA HAHAHAHAHA!

I've never wanted someone so bad.

He's 19, and basically just an older, taller, sexier, more mature version of De. I could die.

I know what you're thinking. Am I just doing this to piss De off? Is it out of spite... some need to make De uncomfortable and jealous?
No.
Well...

not completely.

I actually like Sh. I don't just want to sleep with him, or flirt with him to make people mad, or use him in any way, shape, or form. I'm attracted to him, and he's a really nice guy. A bit shy, not cocky.
I was thinking about it, and had a realization. I know I have some genuine feelings for him, because I knew right away that I would drop every guy in my life for him. I can't remember the last guy I felt that way about. I keep so many of them around, because there isn't any particular one I've fallen for. I've been waiting for that to happen, to finally meet someone I actually really LIKED, and WANTED, and would put some real emotion into.
Now I just have to play it out, be smart, and see what happens. He's shown interest in me. We've exchanged quite a few glances, and B won't shut up about him checking we out when I turn my back. Next I just have to start a real conversation with him. So far we've spoken very little, if at all.
This is gonna be fun.

I do feel a twinge of guilt, though. K came in to see me at the shoe place today, and brought me a rose. He's completely fallen for me, and I don't want to hurt him. Perhaps I would be more apt to break it off if S wasn't getting involved with his best friend. I don't want to fuck anything up.

Also, there's HIM. I don't know what to feel, since I'm not used to having an actual relationship. We're not just having sex. He calls me almost every day, and we have actual conversations. At least he knows I'm not exclusively involved with him, so it's not like news of other dates will completely crush him.

Anyway.

I'm going to get a new cell phone tomorrow. It's long overdue, and I don't REALLY have the dough, but I'm so desperate. I've had this same cell phone for years. It's ugly, out of date, and constantly cuts off my calls.

Tonight will be a good night to relax. The couch is calling me. I'm so tense.

~A

a good girl

2006-05-09T23:52:00.000-05:00

PIC00001
Originally uploaded by Pancakes.

Somehow I've found myself hovering above highway 96, gazing down from the towering heights of the Natchez Trace bridge. It's among the wee hours of Monday night/Tuesday morning, and I'm shivering with early, new day chills. I'm subdued, considering how beautifully random my life has become. I've certainly succeeded in keeping it interesting.
S is nearby, and our dates are rambling about "war stories" and various male driven topics. Every once in a while I'll pull K, my date, against me in search of body warmth. The poor, virginal boy is shaking.. and I don't mean from the cold. I bury my nose and lips into the back of his neck, running my nails over his shoulders, down his back, around his hips and up over his abs and chest. I do like the way his body feels. He's very tall, very slim, but has a nice layering of muscle where it counts. As I move around him, shifting so we're facing each other and our hip bones touch, I can feel that familiar bulge against me. I lean into him, rest my head on his shoulder, and stare off into the distance. I hear them all talking, going on about things I lost interest in a long time ago. I'm vanishing, completely consumed by the torture of indecisiveness. "Do I want to be here?" I keep asking myself, "Do I like this K person?"
He's a nice guy. He's not very cute. He's got an amazing body. He's kind of a dweeb. He's completely infatuated with me. I'm somewhat interesting in him. He seems to think I'm his girlfriend. I have yet to tell him about HIM, and De, and the 35 year old, and maggiano boy. And I see this going no where good.

~A

you're toxic

2006-05-07T15:12:00.000-05:00

PO-day-after
Originally uploaded by Pancakes.

"I'm lost," is what I trace against HIS back with my index finger. We exhausted each other, and shortly after he asked me to scratch his back he was out. I, however, have slipped into something like a mechanical daze. I'm too uncomfortable to fall asleep. The room is cold and the blankets are shoved down to the foot of the bed. I don't want to wake him, or allow myself to relax. I want to leave, and sleep alone in my own nice, warm bed. I'm trapped, though, by his body and my lack of motivation to make any movement at all.

This is so incredibly depressing. I should be appreciative of my position. Here I am, with a man. He likes me, he wants me, and we've been having good sex and good conversation for a couple weeks now. My interest, however, is hard to identify. As much as I hate to say it I'm only here tonight because my first choice fell through.

As I lie here, scratching, massaging, and rubbing his back, neck, and scalp... I'm consumed by emotional chaos. Running my hand through his hair reminds me of T, and my longing for him brings a tear to my eye. Pulling my hand down his back and along the soft, hairless skin on his right side makes me twitch with memories of De. Never before have I been in bed with someone, wishing they were someone else. It's a sickening feeling, and I cringe with each wave of deep loss and frustration. I so badly want to be somewhere else. Not only in this moment, but in this life. Everything feels wrong all at once, and all I can do is watch myself break, realizing with reluctance that yes... I'm lost.

So very lost.

~A

walk on by

2006-05-01T17:17:00.000-05:00

May2004Esquire06
Originally uploaded by Pancakes.

It's early on a Saturday afternoon, and I'm wearing a pink and white t-shirt. The wind scurries by in sudden gusts as I walk along Main Street, entangling me in the mass of pink and white balloons I'm carrying.
"Where did I go wrong?" I ask myself. This isn't right.
Con and Ja are a few steps ahead of me, wearing clones of my shirt and handing out pink and white business cards and fliers. "Come see us at The Shoe Boutique!" they say all too happily, targeting young women. They expect me to hand the balloons to children, in hopes of scoring extra points with potential customers. I'm not quite feeling it, though. I walk with an involuntary scowl on my face, completely frustrated and feeling out of place.
"What bad choice could have led me here?" I'm thinking, "This is just so wrong."
I never could have imagined myself in this position. Dressed up to project an image that doesn't suit me, working with people that I can't relate to, promoting a product that I don't believe in. I feel completely fake. Here I am, a living, breathing representation of the type of person I hate.

I am no where that I want to be.

Bossman D ripped my head off the other night over a roll of silverware or a bottle of wine or some other petty bullshit I had no control over or responsibility for. No matter what mistake is made by whom, he always manages to twist it around and blame it on me. Usually, I let this type of thing roll off my shoulders. Yet this, was the one straw on the camel's back that led to a complete breakdown. We're talking total nervous breakdown.
And I can't take the stress anymore. So I'm going to look for another hostessing job. Something better, somewhere nicer.. more appropriate pay, with a more respectable boss. I know, this is asking for a lot.. but I'm going to try.

I recieved my school books today, and have had the software sitting here waiting to be installed so I can start my junior/senior year for a few good hours now. Any minute now. I'm going to get this stuff in order. I'm sure I'll start the studying soon. Maybe tomorrow. As for today, though... I have a nice boy to fuck and a nice room to clean, and a nice couple of days off to enjoy.

Let the stress melt away.

Calm down.

RELAX, god dammit.

~A

try to be the sweetest candy

2006-04-26T10:35:00.000-05:00

lust
Originally uploaded by Pancakes.

I feel so gross right now. Embarassed, too. The question keeps running through my head, currently unable to come out and be presented at some poor, unexpecting female.... "Have you ever started your period during sex?"
~shutter~
I'm just going to sit here, try my best to forget, hope it didn't gross HIM out, and remember to be more careful next time.
I knew it was coming, but thought I could make it through without a problem.
-WRONG-
Oh well.
At least it wasn't our first time together or anything.

You know what I find funny, though. Is that I couldn't say anything about it to HIM today. Last night, as De pestered me, I was easily able to tell him it was nearing my time of the month. No problem, no embarassment. But HIM.. no, couldn't say a word. It baffles me that I'm so much more comfortable and open with De when we don't even have a real relationship. HE and I, we've been friends for a while and have now become more. Wouldn't that seem to make it easier to be open and honest?

I have problems. Maybe I'm just not a relationship type of person. Maybe I should just drop this whole idea of finding "the one." Maybe I'm just one of those people who doesn't have ONE, and is better off going ahead and completely disregarding what society has convinced me is normal and healthy... this whole, illusion, of a one and only that you marry and spend the rest of your life with. I mean, fuck that. There are WAY too many options out there.

I've never been ashamed of who I am. Why should I start now?

~A

lost on 3rd street

2006-04-25T22:49:00.000-05:00

PIC00022
Originally uploaded by Pancakes.

I hate men.

I love men.

I hate sex.

I love sex.

I hate beauty.

I love beauty.

I hate desire.

I love desire.

My upper lip is raw from kissing an unshaven cheek.

My neck is dappled with purple from a strong, teasing mouth.

My body aches and burns with memories.

And I just can't decide.

Of course the one and only rule HE set is the hardest thing for me to avoid. De. De and my unexplainable attraction to him. I just love the way he attacked me in the back room tonight.. grabbing my arm and yanking me back against him, saying I should hang out and wait for him to get off work. Instantly, I was ready to jump on him and take advantage of that eager, sexy body. Even before he had me pressed against the shelves, before we wrestled over his hat and I braced against the wall as he held me from behind, before he unbuttoned the front of my shirt and said it looked better that way...... I was fantasizing about him. Remembering the way he looked in that little goth outfit I made him wear, thinking of all the things I have yet to do to him but would love to try.
And I know I can't have the best of both worlds. Someone, somewhere along the line is going to find out.
With HIM... I don't know what to expect. It's promising, and he continues to pursue me after the last couple of nights we've spent together. But with De, I already know. I've already been there. And I already know I'm comfortable with it. It's easy, fun, simple, and free of complications... not to mention HOT.
Maybe I don't want something real right now.
But maybe I will soon, and blowing that oppurtunity now will hurt me in the future, not mention hurt HIM now.

~sigh~

~A

over my head

2006-04-24T12:59:00.000-05:00

johnny196
Originally uploaded by Pancakes.

My goals for today are:
A) Get my laundry done and my heaps of clothing organized.
B) Take a shower.
C) Get work done on what WAS going to be my prom dress but will now just be a dress since I was short the $45 freakin' bucks for a ticket.
D) Try to resist going over to HIS house.
E) Enjoy my one and only day off this week.

When my sister moved back in she found tons of clothes she didn't need/want, and therefore passed them all on to me. So since my room was already covered in crap, now it's even worse... piles and piles of clothing. I need to sort it all out and figure out what to keep, what to wear, what to cut up or use for fabric, and what to throw out. It should be a long process.

So, as far as HE goes... well, I'm evil. Last night he asked me to stop by, so I did...... only to tease the hell out of him. I refuse to just jump into anything right now, especially any type of sexual relationship. So as I torture him with my limits on how far we can go at any certain point, he respects my wishes but groans about this "cruel and unusual punishment."
I just don't know what to do. I do like him, but not in a head-over-heels kind of way. I find him attractive, but by no means am I infatuated and lustful at the sight of him. Yes, I'm horny beyond belief at the moment, but that doesn't mean I'll just jump on anyone. So I'm kind of undecided right now. He seems to genuinely like me.. not just as some sex object, but as a person. So I can't figure out if I'm leading him on or not. I don't want it to end badly.. as in him falling for me and me ending up dumping him for someone else.
I'm just having this slight moment of realization. I keep finding myself involved with older guys.. but someday, I'm going to be their age.. and I won't be able to date guys my age. See what I'm saying? I should take advantage of my current ability to have fun with these young guys. I just wish I could find one I can actually connect with.
Blah, I don't know. I should just go with the flow and see what comes along. It's easy to forget that I'm so young and have so much more life to live.

~A

we rode on horses made of sticks

2006-04-23T14:23:00.000-05:00

acetonetryk-
Originally uploaded by Pancakes.

There's far too much happening right now. I don't even know where to begin.

My lust for De has basically.. exploded.. now that I'm dating someone who's only request is that I NOT SLEEP WITH DE AGAIN. Anyone but De. So now, suddenly... I want him more than anything.
So the semi-bad feeling I had about beginning a relationship with his person remains. I don't doubt I will break the one and only rule. As usual. Not to mention, that if anyone at Bricks finds out... we are both SO dead.

But that's not the only thing. There's also the 35 year old, who's walked into my life again. I can't help but be attracted to and interested in him, despite the madness that would be a relationship with him.
Then there's Maggiano boy, who I continue to miss and wonder about. His messages are sporadic but inspire hope.
Then there's Cor, the guy I met at Cafe Coco the other day when man hunting with my sister and S. I'm supposed to meet him today, but see myself trying to get out of it.
Is that it? Perhaps I'm forgetting someone.

There's just been too much happening. When you go from 0 to 5 men within a few days, it can get stressful. Especially for me... someone who doesn't have a huge amount of friends and tends to keep her social circle small. When things expand so suddenly.... I'm just not equipped for this kind of thing.
I had two dates in the same day on Friday. Neither were planned or expected... but both were fairly serious.
Do you have any idea what an odd feeling that is for me? My emotions have been absolutely fried.

I just want to stop thinking.
And I want my phone to stop ringing, damnit.

~A

my dirty little secret

2006-04-21T00:16:00.000-05:00

K-susanne
Originally uploaded by Pancakes.

Okay, so I had my chance to ride out the pride of speeding like a maniac and not getting pulled over once. Now, that untouchable feeling that comes with getting away with EVERYTHING has been bruised. I got pulled over. 67 in a 50, at 11:30 pm.. half an hour after the graduated license time rule thing. I was with my sister and S... amazing how every really bad thing that's ever happened to me while driving, happened when my sister was in the car.
It's cool, though. I was surprisingly calm, handled it well, and have managed to remain rather indifferent. I mean, yeah.. it sucks that I have to go to court, but I'll survive.

I have so much to say, but my sister is in the room trying to sleep. So I shall now cease my incessent typing.

~A

move it

2006-04-19T12:58:00.000-05:00

gunnild-onani-kopi
Originally uploaded by Pancakes.

So now that I've begun my day job, I realize that I'm working seven days a week. I worked Monday and Tuesday mornings at The Shoe Boutique, and now have to work Wednesday through Sunday at Bricks. I also have a shift at the shoe place on Saturday afternoon, so that should be a busy day all around. B offered to take my shift on Thursday, but I turned her down. After having $350 taken out of my bank account for that damn car repair, I'm more then ready to put in some serious hours. Work is my focus right now. I have to get my funds back to something more acceptable.
Turns out the job at the boutique is going to be even easier to do than I expected. I learned how to work the register yesterday.. and it took me all of, oh, 5 minutes.
It's also been getting me out of bed in the mornings, which is an interesting change of pace. I actually woke up at 8 or 9:30 today.. and I didn't even have to. Granted, I did go back to bed and didn't budge until noon, but that's not the point.

~A

never ever ever gonna let you go

2006-04-17T12:49:00.000-05:00

boy
Originally uploaded by Pancakes.

I just arrived home from my first day at the new job, and I'm all satisfied. Things went well... we had all of two customers in the two hours I was there, so Con and I spent the majority of the time talking. TALKING TALKING TALKING TALKING TALKING TALKING TALKING. That girl will talk your ear off if given the oppurtunity. I like her, though. Ironic as that may seem.
I think I'm going to like this job. It's so incredibly slow, that I can simply take a book in and hang out until the shift is over. I think I can handle it.

Found out that the car repair will be over $600... half of which I have to pay. I don't exactly have that laying around, but I'll have to come up with it. But whatever. Life's a bitch, eh?

I have the entire day to do as I please. I'm not sure what I'll be up to. I'm not used to being up at this time of day. I do have a shitload of clothes to dig through, since my sister has given me bags and boxes of hand-me-downs... so maybe I'll straighten up and organize things.
I'm supposed to be getting my shoes today, as well. 2 pairs from Zappos, I'm dying to get them.. it's freakin' exciting.
~A

I like to move it, move it

2006-04-16T14:11:00.000-05:00

PIC00013
Originally uploaded by Pancakes.

Sometimes I just wake up with this sinking feeling... like there's something I should be bad, or uncomfortable, or worried about. Usually, it's for a good reason.. and within a somewhat short amount of time I'm able to remember what it is that's bothering me. But... not today. Today I'm up, I've had that sinking feeling since I woke up, and I have no idea why.
I mean, it could be that the way De's acting is bothering me, but that's become pretty easy for me to get used to, so it seems I'd be over it by now.
Perhaps it's that my sister's moved back in, and her and the soon to be ex bro-in-law have made a divorce agreement. That's a positive thing from my perspective, though, so that's probably not it either.
Maybe it's my car... I've felt horrible about it since it happened, and I'm worried about getting it repaired... particularly the cost. But I managed not to think about it too much yesterday, and driving my dad's truck has turned out to be okay. So maybe that's not it.
I don't know what it is.
In fact, I should be happy. I went out with B last night, and we had a good time. I talked to Ty, who is clearly still mad about me... who wouldn't be flattered? AND I talked to maggiano boy as well, who was enthusiastic about us going out again when he gets a day off. He sent me a kiss over the phone. Somewhat cheesy, but painfully cute... and capable of making me horny.

~A

everything is all that I need

2006-04-15T12:57:00.000-05:00

vampyr
Originally uploaded by Pancakes.

Okay. So nothing is going as planned.

What once was, "Why is De ignoring me!!!??" has become, "Why ISN'T De ignoring me?"
The boy is freaking me the hell out. The one time I've actually fully prepared myself to ignore and be ignored, he's paying attention... talking to me... complimenting my hair.

Son of a bitch.

Last night, B and I planned on having a HELL of a night out. We made our way to Coolsprings to check the movie schedules... none of which were appealing. So then, Cafe Coco was on the agenda. I made the mistake of deciding to take a short cut and go over the pass. The pass, which is a strain on my car... poor little Oatzle. Usually, though, I make it over okay. This time.... I didn't. About halfway up the steep hill, I felt Oatzle slowing down, and his engine was revving in an unnatural way. Luckily, I spotted a little driveway and was able to turn around. A burning smell rose up, and I noticed that a smoky substance was rising from the edges of the hood. So I went back down, thinking I'd take the long way around... only to realize that the car was clearly disabled. Every time I tried to move, the engine revved but there was very little movement. So I pulled over, and my mother just happened to call at that moment. So my father came out to help, and we ended up just having to come home. His diagnosis, is that the clutch is burned out. Whatever that means.

So my car broke down, which left B and I stranded. After I begged to borrow my mom's car, we were able to go to the grocery store for food, but could go no further.
B and I were laughing the entire time.. just in utter disbelief. "This is going to be a great memory," we kept telling each other, slipping into hysteria.
As we pulled up to Kroger, I said, "I bet you anything we'll run into someone we know." I wasn't serious, of course. But after we strolled around for a while, soon deciding to actually cook something instead of heating up some crap TV dinners, we found ourselves in line. There was a surprising amount of people there, considering it was nearing midnight. We picked up steaks, a box of scalloped potatoes, some sprite, and krispy kremes.. and I was losing my mind, laughing uncontrollably at the way B had said, "Potatoes." We were the loud, obnoxious teenagers at the moment.. making noise while the other shoppers did their best to ignore us. Then, low and behold, just as I was bending over and holding my stomach to suppress a severe giggle, B said, "Oh my God.. it's De!" I looked up, just as he noticed us, and let out and involuntary, "OH FUCK!"
He glanced our way, but considering the amount of people around... decided to act as if he didn't know us. We laughed incessantly as he picked up a four-pack of toilet paper, then made his way to the pharmacy area. What really got us, though, is that not 10 minutes earlier he had sent me a text message, asking if I wanted to fuck. I had said I couldn't, but didn't manage to expain why.
So once we were out in the parking lot, we looked for his jeep.. noticing two people in the passenger seat, a guy, smoking.. with a girl perched uncomfortably on his lap. We went to the car and waited for De to emerge. When he did, I sped up and screeched to a halt beside him.
"HEY DE!" we squealed. He leaned on the open window, eyes roaming over us with subdued amusement.
"What are you up to?" I asked him.
"Going over to Ch's house. Not the Ch you know, another one," he explained.
"Oh. What do you need toilet paper for?" I asked, being nosy.
"Well, he just moved into this new place so he asked me to pick some up," he said.
"Oh. Well guess what!" I said, smiling in an exaggerated way as B sat quietly, smirking.
"What?" he asked.
"My car broke down!!" I exclaimed.
He had a slight moment of realization, "Ah," he said with a hint of disappointment, "Of course it did."
"Yeah," said B, finally chiming in, "That's why we're here instead of in Nashville."
"What would you be doing in Nashville?" he asked.
"Cafe Coco," I said simply, and he raised his eyebrows in recognition.
"Right," he said, giving us an odd thumbs up and moving away from the window.
So we said our goodbyes and made our way home.. surprised that the night had managed to get even wierder.

I managed to remember how to cook a damn good steak, so we had a good dinner and watched TV. Then I put a couple purple streaks in her hair before we both crashed in bed. We didn't get up until about 11, and I took her home shortly after.

I'll have to be driving my parent's cars until mine is fixed. We can't even take it somewhere until Monday, since everything is closed this weekend. Perfect fucking timing, eh? Work tonight, and I start my new job on Monday at 10 AM! Plus, I just went on that shopping spree the other day... blowing all my extra money. So I'll have to be cutting into my funds even further to pay for half of this repair.
Life lessons, you know?

Fucking life lessons.

~A

fuck

2006-04-14T12:47:00.000-05:00

en-engel-m-cig
Originally uploaded by Pancakes.

Okay, so I have to say.. the father's previous family visiting wasn't so bad. This time, since the kids were along, I was preoccupied with them, therefore not required to socialize with the ex-wife and son. Well, at least until the 12 year old, Le, begged me to dye his hair green. Then I had to ask the ex wife, who responded with a simple shake of her head. "Sorry, kid... not happening."
They arrived just as S and I were about to wash the bleaching stuff out of our hair, so it was a classic case of bad timing as we raced to finish our dye jobs. Mine is now blue... hers is purple.
I know, we're awesome.
So anyway. At first I was surprised at how well the kids entertained themselves here. First, they attacked my Sims game, which just happened to be running. I freaked out momentarily... ~I'VE BEEN WORKING ON THAT FAMILY FOR A FREAKING MONTH!~ But decided not to say anything... it's a computer game, I'll get over it. Then they discovered the X-Box, and as I was crawling around the back porch searching for Edi, who had gotten her tail slammed in the bathroom door in our panic, Le looked at me, wide-eyed, and said, "Who owns the X-Box!?"
"I do," I said simply.
"I have games in the car."
"Cool. Go get 'em."

So people ordered pizza, and me, S, and my sister went to Publix to pick up some Coke and various kid-friendly food things. 'Twas the first time I've ever bought Cocoa Puffs.
After just about everyone went to bed, Le seemed dead-set on hanging out with S and I. He seemed to like me, and latched onto the idea of calling me blue-hair.
I know, I may not be fond of kids... but at that age 10-12, they're fond of me. I realized why a while ago when I was talking about how surprised I was that bossman D's daughter liked me so much with B. She replied, quite intelligently, that it's because I don't know how to act around children... so I just talk to them like they're adults, and they appreciate that.
So anyway, after Le spent a good amount of time staring at my door, which is covered in various poems, photos, and art pieces.. very few of which are child friendly, I suggested we play X-Box. Le took control, demanding that we play GoldenEye, and that I be on his team. A few minutes into it the younger one, age 10.. St, came in and sheepishly asked if he could play.
I don't know. Maybe I hate to admit it, but I liked spending time with my nephews. Or, step nephews or half nephews or whatever you want to call them. They were pretty cool kids, and as I sat there... absorbed for the first time in years in that fun, carefree, childlike atmosphere, I had the vague idea cross my mind that it would have been nice to have a brother.
At about midnight my father came in and demanded everyone go to bed or leave the room, since he was moving to that couch. The kids went to the living room, where their father was on the couch and they camped out on the floor. S and I sat on my bed for a moment before leaving for her house, where we hung out, got completely stoned, and talked nonsense while perched on the counters in the kitchen. I just got back about an hour ago.

So anyway. Back to real life.

I start my new job on Monday, at 10 AM. Oh joy... now begins the real job era, where I actually have to get up in the morning.
B in dead set on hanging out tonight after work, so we're trying to figure out what to do.

This is just a good day. As I was driving home in the beautiful weather, I just had a moment of completely and totally appreciating my life as it is at this moment. Not wishing for more, or thinking of the past or future... just living in the best way possible for a minute or two.

Beautiful.

~A

it just had to be

2006-04-13T15:02:00.000-05:00

garrett_hedlund_01
Originally uploaded by Pancakes.

I slept late today, waking at odd moments with a sinking feeling. Something kept pulling me down, telling me I did not want to get up and face life again. When I finally did decide to get the fuck up, I laid there for a moment.. wondering what the hell it was I was supposed to be feeling uncomfortable about. My mind turned slowly, conjuring up vague ideas. It was a moment or two before De came to mind, and the odd situation we have with the leather collar I loaned him. I knew that wasn't it, though, because I had decided not to care. Then finally, I came around to realizing that.. oh yes, I went to the Kingdom Hall last night. Oh yes, there was that distraught, freaked out feeling that overwhelmed my mind and body as I walked into that place. Oh yes, there just happened to be ONE seat left, which just happened to be directly behind T and his family. It was all too familiar... all unchanged... the same. Teal material on the chairs.. speckled carpet.. depressing and tasteless design scheme, harsh fluorescent lighting. I had that same, distinct feeling of sticking out among all the navy suits, conservative dresses, and painfully normal haircuts... the only person there with a particularly unique way of dressing, doing my makeup, acting, walking... it wasn't a pleasant reminder. In the real world, people get used to you. In the Kingdom Hall, you're always BAD.
I sat there, trying desperately to listen, but continually losing myself in thought. It's as if my entire being was repelling what the drab, boring, droning man on stage had to say. There were a couple of times when I had distinct reactions.
First, when a prayer was said over the bread. Even a simple thought of prayer hadn't crossed my mind in what felt like lifetimes, and to hear it... feel that energy that came down over everyone as they lowered their heads, my eyes welled with tears. There was a battle within me, though. Was this real? Were these people actually making a connection with God? Do I believe in God? Or is it just as I suspect? Is this an empty, meaningless act? Are they just bowing their heads and speaking to nothing?
The other reaction came after the bread and wine was passed, and the speaker closed the talk. He began decribing in avid detail what Jesus would be experiencing that night, thousands of years ago. I felt an expression of distaste form on my face. I couldn't remember any past memorials in which the speaker had done this... making sure to pound the image of a tortured, bloody christ into our heads. Soon my distaste turned to disbelieving humor. I actually had to stop myself from bursting into laughter as this guy was talking about the pain God's son experienced. Not that I found that amusing, but because of the way he was explaining the details. "Thanks," I thought, "That's exactly what I wanted to have seared onto my brain as I leave church tonight."
Although I was uncomfortable and feeling fairly closed off to my surroundings, I attracted attention. The second the last prayer was said, I grabbed my purse and stood up only to find T's mother looking right at me. "Hey Annie! You were right behind me the whole time!" she said, smiling and speaking in her familiar soft, light voice. I smiled back at her, and we managed a quick, awkward conversation. Then I looked over to see T watching me. He asked me how I was, and we started talking. He looked exactly the same, spoke exactly the same. I couldn't help being swept right back into the memories of countless conversations just like it. A few times he made a little movement or spoke in a certain way that was so exactly the same as before, that I couldn't help but chuckle at the sweet but sad way he's always communicated with me.
Since I had come alone, I was surprised to see my sister there. I caught her eye across the room and waved, then asked T if the bro-in-law was there. "Yep," he said, pointing obviously at him, "Right there." I glanced at him, deciding to pay no more attention, and continued taking in the scenery. S was there, but slipped out before I even managed a second glance. I saw several familiar faces, and some from the past that I never expected to see. I saw Dev, with his wife and son. He was the only person I planned to talk to that night. After that, I was determined to make a quick exit.
So I talked to T a bit more, although we slipped into an uncomfortable silence fairly quickly... just like before. Two of his friends, Ev and Jos, came up to discuss video games with him. I talked to Ev, since we used to go to school together and at one time had respect and liking for each other. I hadn't seen him in so long, it was scary to see how he'd changed. As for Jos, we didn't have much to say to each other. The only time we've ever had any connection was way, way back when I was about 9. His older brother and my older sister were friends, and decided to introduce us to each other. The introduction never actually happened, though, because the moment we noticed each other we were completely swept up with infatuation. It was instant, and continued for quite a while. I suppose we just forgot about each other after a while, but it was fun while it lasted. It gave us something to do during the meetings... playing a game of glancing at each other and jumping when our eyes met, stomachs churning.
After saying hello to a few more people and making my way out, I just sat there in my car... unsure of what to do. It all seemed so pointless. I couldn't figure out why I was there, or how I felt about seeing T.
The questions are still lingering, and I'm debating about whether to face them or not.

As for today, however, I have plenty of ways to distract myself. Inspired by how fantastic my sister's hair looked last night, dark with streaks of vibrant pink, I've decided to put the odd colors in my hair that I've wanted for so long. I'm making a trip to the mall today to do some research on possible colors.
At some point I have to call the owner of the boutique to find out when I start work.
Oh, and I was recently informed that the father's ex family is coming back through... this time with his son's two sons... aged 10 and 12. GAG. I don't do children, and I'm dreading tonight like crazy. CHILDREN IN THE HOUSE!!!!! AAAAAAAAAGGGGHHHHHHH!!! I was the last child in this house... over 5 years ago. Since then, not one has stepped foot in here. I'm getting chills.

~A

looking dismal

2006-04-12T16:13:00.000-05:00

CY-cyan-sille-og-lille
Originally uploaded by Pancakes.

I watched Four Brothers last night. I've been wanting to see it since it first came out, but didn't get around to it until now. It was an amazing movie. Of course, the one guy I was lusting after through the entire film (aka skinny, dark, sensitive, artistic white boy.. aka Jack... JACK, come on.. even his NAME makes me horny) ended up being killed. I almost cried.

I woke up at a decent hour to an empty house. I don't remember the last time I've experienced that luxury of silence and solitude. But I had shit to do, and after a shower was pulling myself together and planning my day. I drove over to The Shoe Boutique, and was lucky to find Con, the first girl I met who worked there and who I instantly liked. She seems to like me quite a bit, too, so finding her there was comforting. We discussed the job and all that it would entail, I asked her about dress code. (there isn't one.... AAAHH!! yes!) It went well, so I'm calling the owner tomorrow to see about a starting day.

After that I had quite a bit of time, and thought about driving to Cafe Coco for some time alone to work on the letter I've been trying to finish for a freaking week. I made it about halfway there, though, only to find myself stuck in stand-still traffic. I ended up sitting there, sweating, listening to Red Hot Chili Peppers (NOT good traffic music... save that for open roads) before making a swift U-turn and heading back to town. I considered a few alternative places, but ended up coming home instead. An air-conditioned house, a cold coke, and some sort of home made lunch sounded comforting.

So now I've got about an hour to kill before work. I've put together a fantastic little outfit to wear. If the night is somewhat slow and I'm out of there by 8:30 pm, I may go to the memorial over at the Kingdom Hall.
I don't know. I drove by the hall today and got a bad feeling about being there again. I don't see how it could hurt too bad, though.. and there's a couple people I'd like to see. So... I'm thinking about it, sort of planning on it.... we'll see. I think I'm just afraid it'll hit a nerve and mess me up. I'm pretty happy right now.... much better than I was when I was a part of the Jehovah's Witnesses.
No part of me is telling me this is a good idea.
But some part of me is telling me to be brave.

~A

I only see what I'm looking through

2006-04-11T13:19:00.000-05:00

FL-couple
Originally uploaded by Pancakes.

Last night my father's previous family came by for a visit. I managed to sneek out before they arrived, but came home to a living room full of relatives I feel absolutely no connection to. My mother, sister, and father inhabited the left side scattered in various tense positions, and my father's ex-wife and middle-aged son perched in a tired fashion on the couch to the right.
"Hi!" I said, putting on the sociable smile I've managed to develop. We exchanged various meaningless pleasantries as they each stood up to greet me. The woman was old and thin, and we gazed at each other briefly. If she planned to approach, her mind was changed by my stiff reaction to her. The man was also old and thin, but was the spitting image of my father. He came close, taking me in his arms and saying it was wonderful to see me for the first time. I quickly made my exit, throwing the things I was carrying into my bedroom and slinking towards the kitchen for water. I knew I had little choice, though, I had to return and act interested. So I grabbed a stool and took a position next to my sister, slouching there... staring down at the ice circling around in my glass. There was a discussion about dogs going on. We have two Jack Russels, they have two Chihuahuas... both tiny, annoying breeds with piercing barks. I didn't contribute to the conversation since I had nothing to say.. not being one to go on and on about canines. I just waited for the situation to shift so I could depart and hide in my room.

I've begun re-arranging my furniture again. Now the desk is in a place that encourages work, so I spent some time there.. sketching some designs and smoking a bit of weed.
Ha, that reminds me. I met S at Cafe Coco, and was standing in line when I started to sniff the air. "Do you smell pot?" I asked her, with a confused expression on my face. She said no, as I continued to sniff and look around. Then I grabbed a lock of my hair, smelling it, and realized, "Oh.... it's me."

Oh yeah. On a totally different note, though, I got a day job! I'm going into the place to discuss things with some of the people that work there on Wednesday. The owner spoke to me yesterday, wanting me to come in and find out what I'm really in for. Apparently the business is so slow right now that they feel the need to warn me that I'll be severely bored. If I still want the job after hearing the gorey details, I'm calling the owner to find out when I start. I'm excited. I'm taking the job, no matter how boring it might be. The starting pay is $8.15 an hour, which is pretty good for me.. considering the shit $6.75 I get at Bricks. I'm just proud of myself. I've accomplished this goal I'd set. I'm going to be busier, making more money to save... working towards.......

something.

~A

all I ever had

2006-04-10T15:48:00.000-05:00

horror_art_17
Originally uploaded by Pancakes.

I'm content right now. Quite so. It's good to use a day well. I've finished my book, taken it back to the library (fully enjoying the drive there and back since discovering the back roads I can take), and picked up a new one. It's called Stiffed, and is a non-fiction about American men. Thought it would be interesting.

I was dancing around my car when I arrived home, moving to the beat of some Gorillaz song when I decided to pick up any random trash that had collected in my car. Low and behold, I glanced in the backseat only to find the used condom De so kindly left on the floor. I'm so glad I found that before anyone else did.

So anyway. I'm having lunch, and thinking about re-arranging my room. I'm just surprisingly okay with being home today and spending my time with myself. It is, of course, on this day that I'm getting all kinds of attention. Dev called me this morning, leaving a message for me to call him back when I didn't pick up. The 35-year-old Jo or whatever little abbreviation I used to refer to him with, has been sending me text messages all day wanting to get together and I've stopped responding. S just called me about some symphony playing somewhere, and I considered it with little interest. The only thing that could pry me from my lazy mood is a nice, long, airy drive along some barren country road. But I don't have the gas money for that, so I shall not pursue it.

~A

when you're in the news

2006-04-09T23:05:00.000-05:00

male-figure-lying-on-checkerboard-dark-and-light-tiles-in-courtyard-mono-AXM
Originally uploaded by Pancakes.

Shall I admit something I'm not proud of?

I like Spaghettio's.

I consider this a fault.

But anyway. This was a tired day for me. After movie night at S's I got home at about 3 or 4 AM. I was determined to be happy that I didn't have to work the morning shift, though, so I got up at a decent hour and made a trip to the library. I hunted for an empty table, and spent a good chunk of time there.. writing a return letter to a pen pal in England. About halfway through, this middle-aged guy decided to sit down across from me, and set up his laptop and bring out all his work. I considered moving so I could be alone, but thought it might seem rude. Before long I'd forgotten about him.

I came home with enough time to change and have a snack before work. I was quite exhausted all day, though, so I spent the majority of my time at Blue Cactus hunched over the hostess stand, scribbling out sketches on a legal pad. Every once in a while I'd drag myself over to Bricks to check linens, and consequently be nagged by De. I've surprised him this time around. This time, I'm not the least bit uneasy about him. The fact that we fucked does not bother me, and I am totally comfortable keeping my distance from him. It's as if we've switched rolls, because now.. I'm the one catching him looking at me, not the other way around. Now I'm also content and indifferent, with nothing to get over. I think it's floored him.

Anyway. I've got the next two days off, and I can't imagine what I'll do with them. Perhaps I could delve into some artwork. I'm feeling a tiny twinge of inspiration. From where, I have no idea... but it's there.

~A

I want ya'll to sing along

2006-04-08T14:16:00.000-05:00

venus-as-a-boy-poster
Originally uploaded by Pancakes.

1. Last kiss? De, in the backseat of my car.

2. How do u flush the toilet in public? I don't have a problem with it, usually.. it doesn't embarass me. Unless it's a motion detector one, those things freak me out.

3. Do you wear your seatbelt in the car? Less and less.

4. Do you have a crush on someone? No.

5. Name one thing that you start to get tense about if you are close to running out of it: birth control pills

6. What famous person do you (or other people) think you resemble? Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen, I've been told.

7. Favorite pizza topping: Pizza from some delivery place... just cheese. Pizza from Bricks? Cream cheese, mozzarella, and salmon.

8. Finish this sentence: if my life was a sitcom my theme song would be: Clubbed to Death, Rob Dougan

9. Do you pop your knuckles? All the time. It's kind of like a nervous tick, I guess.

10. What song do you dislike the most when it gets stuck in your head? Any Disney song... any country song. Like today, I was driving when suddenly a line from "I Love This Bar" popped into my head. I about went into convulsions right then and there. I mean.. of all songs!

11. Did just mentioning that song make it get stuck in your head? No, thank god.

12. What are your super powers? Confusing people.

13. Peppermint or spearmint? neither. I don't do mint.

14. Where are your keys? On my desk. Or somewhere on my floor. Or on the counter in the kitchen. Basically, wherever they fell when I got home.

15. Who's answers to this questionnaire do you want to hear? Umm.... no one's, really.

16. What's your most annoying habit? Wasting my time playing sims.

17. Where did you last go on vacation? North Carolina.

18. If you could punch one person in the nose and get away with it, who would it be? Probably my brother-in-law.

19. I don't know what happened to 19. K

20. What CD is closest to you right now? One of my mother's... Sweethearts of the Rodeo, Rodeo Waltz

21. What 3 things can always be found in your refrigerator? Leftovers, milk, and pickles. I know.. boring.

22. What superstition do you believe/practice? Umm.. none, really.

23. When you're in a public place and your underwear gets up your crack, do you sit there and take it, or do you dig it out and let the world deal with it? If it's bothersome, I'll run to the nearest bathroom and take care of it.

24. If you could murder 5 people and get away with it, who would they be and why? My brother-in-law, because I've never liked him, he's an asshole, and he gives my sister too much shit. As for the other four.. I suppose I'd do some research on some of the worst criminals out there right now, and take them out.

25. Do you talk on your cell phone when you drive? Sometimes. It's more difficult when driving a stick, though.

26. What are your favorite sayings? I don't think i have any.

27. What song(s) do you sing most often in the shower? I don't often sing in the shower. When I do, it's just whatever's stuck in my head.

28. If you could go back or forward in time would you and where would you go? Oh yes... I'd go to several different time periods, spending some time in each.

29. What is your favorite Harrison Ford movie? I don't have one... I'm not much of a fan.

30. (I changed this question cuz I didn’t like the original one) Are you the best? In some areas.

31. What OCD qualities do you have? My OCD's kick in spontaneously. When they do, though... everything has to be in precise order. I mean, everything.

32. How many kids do you plan on having? 0

33. If you could kiss anyone famous who would it be? Johnny Depp.

34. Would you really want to kiss someone you didn't know? Oh yes.

35. What do you do when no one is watching? Pick my teeth, smell my armpits, dance like an idiot.

36. If they made a movie about your life, what actor/actress would play you? Angelina Jolie. Yes, I'm just that conceited. But she has that darkness about her that would be needed.

37. Would you rather die in a blaze of glory or peacefully in your sleep? freak accident at 65. if it involves a 'blaze of glory,' so be it.

38. What candy, from when you were a kid, do you miss the most? Umm. I haven't had any PEZ in a while.

39. What is your favorite movie? Don't have one.

40. Favorite musician(s)/bands you've seen in concert? Cake was good. And Nine Inch Nails.

41. Have you ever been in love? Yes.

42. Do you talk to yourself? Rarely.

43. Is there anybody you just wish would fall of the face off the earth? I'm sure I could think of a few. Like my brother-in-law. Maybe some of the morons I get stuck behind on the road, going 20 in a 40. GRR. I don't know.. actually we could do without alot of people here. Like President Bush.

~A

when you sing the blues

2006-04-08T00:13:00.000-05:00

untitled
Originally uploaded by Pancakes.

I'm just satisfied right now. I had bad feelings about tonight, thinking things probably wouldn't go right. I'd say the night went pretty damn well, though. Oh my god, did it ever.

So I spent my shift working and wondering how things would go. Would he show up? Would I feel wierd? Would kitchen boy C be able to make it and catch the show? Would anyone care? De had come in early in the night to pick something up, and wasn't wearing what I had told him to. He was in all black, but had on no stripes or chains or collars.. nothing particularly goth. We got in a fight then, with me saying I wouldn't pay him since he wasn't holding up his part of the deal. He left, saying he would come back later. To my surprise, he did... and holy fucking hell did I lose it.
He strutted in, looking fucking HOT. Black tee, white and black striped sleeves, black pants, silver chain, and black converse. He even added his own touch.. rolling up the pant legs to show some white socks. That was what got me, I think. I just blew up. I was laughing my ass off, as everyone working and everyone at the bar stared. I fell back against the window, unable to control myself as waitress A and H came up to check him out. Bossman D's daughter, Co, is about 10.. and was looking at me in complete shock. "Are you okay Annie?" she asked, as I shook my head and held my stomach as I laughed. Luckily I had just gotten off the clock, so I grabbed the hair stuff and his wrist, dragging him back to the girl's bathroom. The black gel I'd gotten worked surprisingly well, and he ended up with a black mohawk. Unfortunately I forgot to bring my eyeliner and shadow, so I had to use J's, which left me doing a somewhat bad job. Overall the effect was accomplished, and soon everyone was banging down the door to take a peek. I mean everyone.. waiters A, Ga, AJ, H, even bossman D. De's friends had come along, and were crowding in to laugh at him. It was hilarious.
While I worked, though, De admitted to how wasted he was.. and began to grope me. It was surprising, but after smacking his hands away for a while I realized I didn't care. The clothes and hair alone were turning me on like crazy.
De's friends came in, watching the work in progress. De seemed far too interested in feeling me up, and began showing off, pushing me back against one of the bathroom stalls. They were surprised, and I looked over his shoulder at them, saying, "You know, he claims to hate goth people... but he sure seems to like me." This brought on an uproar of laughter, and De backed off. One of his friends that I sort of know, E, made a comment about how he'd want me too.
We ended up with a mess in the bathroom, since a glob of black gel had fallen on the floor and gotten smeared everywhere. So we got on our hands and knees, scrubbing away the smudges. While we worked, the room had emptied of everyone that came in to stare. De kept threatening me.. saying how I was so mean for making him do this, saying, "I'm gonna kill you." I couldn't help myself, and said, "Oh yeah? Why don't you fuck me instead?"
He had no objection to that.
So we scurried out the back door. On the way, the entire staff in the kitchen freaked out at his appearance. We were in a hurry, though. "You look so hot, De, it's really turning me on," I said, following close behind him as we made our way out. We were out the door, in the backseat of my car, and fucking like animals in no time.
Can you even understand how many fantasies this fulfilled?
Whew.

Unfortunately, I left my purse, cell phone, wallet... all that important stuff, AND the pizza I had bought for dinner on the table by the hostess stand. Everyone was gone by the time things were over, and the doors were locked.

FUCK.

I have to go back in the morning to retrieve the things. I'd been craving that damn pizza all day, too.

`A

when you don't get down

2006-04-06T23:58:00.000-05:00

ChildofGoth
Originally uploaded by Pancakes.

Have I already blogged today? Well I don't care. I just read my horoscope four times without understanding a word of it. That's how high I am.
Yes, I'm self-medicating. But with the day I've had I think I've reserved the right.

I was depressed. Completely out of my mind with frustration, disappointment... whatever else you can think of. I was so antsy and uncomfortable with myself that I couldn't stay put. I ended up driving around, aimlessly, until I stopped at the school and waited to see B. I talked to her, but she couldn't offer much support. I was on my way to the library to return a book and write a letter when B called asking if I wanted to hang out. I agreed, and told her I'd meet her at Bricks, so I turned around to head back. School had just let out, though, and the road from where I was to Bricks runs right in front of Franklin High, so I was instantly stuck in the stand-still of traffic. I ended up getting the idea to turn in the Kroger parking lot that was right beside me, and make my way through the back roads to get to her. It was an odd twist of timing, though. I turned left, peeling through the Wendy's parking lot and over a couple of speed bumbs in front of some pizza place behind it. I turned the corner towards Kroger, and low and behold.. right there was Dev. He's an old friend of mine... my sister's first boyfriend... and someone I did alot of hanging out with when I was younger. He's older now. Married, with a 3 month old son. He's also put on weight. But the boy hasn't changed at all. His personality remains the same... he still obsesses over his music, and talks your ear off. He asked me to pull over and talk to him, so I did. It was great to see him, and our conversation just took off. We talked about everything, and I lost track of time. B started texting me, wondering where I was. I tried to leave, but he kept talking. I couldn't seem to pull myself away.
So I was late to meet her, but the surprise of seeing him and remembering the witnesses in our discussion brought on some distant but relevant emotions.
Our conversation also brought up T. Which was someone who I've been thinking about recently. Suddenly my interest in calling him grew. I don't know why. About halfway through the time I was with B, I decided what the hell.. I'll call. So I did. And I talked to his father.
Boy did that bring back some memories.
He sounded surprised to be hearing from me, and he explained that T was out but that he'd tell him I called. I quickly decided I wouldn't be hearing from him, so I tried to put it out of my mind.
The day continued, and I was happier after talking to Dev and hanging out with B. Once I took her home, though, I got back and went straight for the beer in the fridge. De was supposed to call me when he got off work, but I was skeptical. Just in case, however, I was prepared... no way did I want to be completely sober when he showed up. After roughly 45 minutes of chugging beer and taking hits of pot, I was fairly disoriented. I was sitting at my desk, writing in a rambling, non-sensical manner when De called. I answered, completely calm although surprised that he'd kept his word. So he was on his way over. I stayed where I was, then decided to grab something out of my car. The moment I opened the door was the moment he pulled in the driveway. (It seems to have been a good day for timing.) So he came in, and the night resumed as I expected. I wasn't turned on, though.. and made no attempt to spark his interest as I worked. We ended with a simple but effective outfit. Black tee, black dress pants, converse.. a thick black wristband, leather collar, and a silver chain to hang on his belt. In addition, for something more interesting, I cut off the sleeves of a black and white striped shrug I had and pinned the fabric to the insides of his shirt. They reached down to his elbows, and created the layered look. He looked good, although you could tell it wasn't right for him. He stood, observing himself in the mirror as I lingered behind him. "There's still just something... wrong, about it. It almost doesn't work on you," I said, placing my hands on his shoulders and bringing my head next to his to get his perspective. "You're just a natural-born country boy, aren't you?" He said he guessed so. So I quickly painted his nails (only the left hand, though... since that's the golf glove hand, apparently), and we had an odd conversation about goths, society, and the fact that I resented that people had made everything about money.. while he considered it a correct way of thinking and intended to pursue it himself. It was predictable, though. We talked but didn't connect.. he has this way of shutting you out when he decides to. There's a certain emptiness to his eyes when he's in that state, and I knew not to expect anything interesting from him.
He was here for a short while, and I returned his CD's and beer. It was good to be a little drunk and high.. otherwise I would have been nervous, talked less, and put too much thought into the situation. Perhaps he was even a bit surprised at my distance. When I finished the work quickly, he hesitated ever so slightly and said I could do more if I wanted. I didn't have much time to think about it, though. Once he left, I walked in to hear my cell phone ringing. My first thought was to wonder why De would call when he had just pulled out of the driveway. Then I paused, not wanting to flip the phone open... just knowing....

It was T.

Holy.. fucking.. hell.

Talk about timing, eh?

I stared at his name for a moment, baffled. Then I glanced up, seeing my reflection... my hair tied up, little makeup, a simple grey tee and rolled up jeans, black converse.. beer in right hand, phone in left... and figured,, what the hell? I answered the phone quietly, my voice low, "Hello," and was greeting by a voice almost too familiar. It was exactly as I remembered it. No deeper. No more mature sounding than it had been before. The voice said simply, "Hey!." I'm sure he could hear the gasp in my voice as I laughed slightly and began to speak.
We had fairly easy conversation. I was too smashed to be overwhelmed by the fact that I was actually speaking to T, though. T. T! The love of my life. The person I've based so much around. The one I compare others to. This influential, monumental person from the past that I haven't spoken a word to in what feels like a lifetime. We talked about everything, going over the same topics.. updating each other on our lives and situations. I suggested we get together soon, said I might see him at the memorial.
Might happen, might not.. but, what can I say? I'm just in this uncanny wave of emotion, and have absolutely no idea how to handle it. I just got off the phone, and literally could not decide how to react. Burst into tears? Take a swig of beer? Scream? Smile in a content manner and go about my night.. maybe read a few chapters of my current book? It's like everything just paused, and there was nothing I could do.

I think things are resuming now, but... I'd say it's in slow motion.

~A

wait

2006-04-06T13:07:00.000-05:00

POLY-mathilde-on-floor
Originally uploaded by Pancakes.

Okay, so last night sucked ass.

I was walking towards the back door of Bricks when I ran into waiter Ga and he instantly started complaining about us being short-staffed that night. It was suddenly up to me to make calls and get an extra hostess in to help. Of course, no one would come in.

So it was a hectic night. Plus, I knew the second I entered the door that I had fucked up. I trudged through the kitchen, hurried while I peeled off my sunglasses and Ga followed close behind, blubbering about how bad the night would be.. and I didn't even glance in De's direction. That was it. That was the moment in which our relationship for the night would be determined.. the second I came in. And I didn't acknowledge him. So hell if he'd acknowledge me.
Our contact didn't resume until he was forced to question me about his CD's and beer. Both of which I felt lucky to have. I realized quickly that blowing De had consequently made me lose my advantage over him, and I needed something for leverage. It was no longer sex, so all I had were the CD's and beer. More the CD's, though, considering that three beers, no matter how much he loves his alcohol, isn't enough to sway him.
When he followed me through the kitchen, asking about his stolen possessions, I answered him honestly. "Oh, you're not getting those back for a little while. See, I made a mistake last night.. and now I need some leverage to make sure you don't back out on Friday." He was pissed. Being openly manipulated and taken advantage of by a woman? Not his favorite thing, exactly. To my surprise, he pushed me back against the massive metal sink behind me and grabbed the hose they use to spray and clean big pots and such. He held it directly over my head. I began to struggle against him while he yelled, "OH, YOU WANT LEVERAGE!?" He had a good hold on me, and all I could do was struggle and angrily mutter, "Not funny, De. Don't do it! THIS IS NOT FUNNY." I had inched my way across the side of the sink, pulling us further and further to the side when he aimed the hose just to my left and let out one quick spurt of water. It hit a metal rack of pans and dishes, and bounced off on the back of my legs. I ripped away from him, stomping through the kitchen and past the bar and noticed that everyone who could have seen, had... and they were watching me with surprised looks on their faces. The kitchen boys laughed in shock, and all the customers at the bar observed me.. wide-eyed and wondering what was going on between me and that boy. One of the customers was his mother. We locked eyes as I passed, and I shook my head at her as her mouth dropped in disbelief. It seemed all in good fun, but honestly... my rage began to grow by leaps and bounds. I tore my way out of there, completely furious, and had a malicious fight with De in the back room. It wasn't long before I sped away, determined to hurt him in some way. I had an amazing idea. BREAK ALL HIS FUCKING CD'S.
Of course I'm not THAT horrible, so I came home and grabbed a pile of old cd's that I haven't listened to in years... and snapped them into pieces and dropped them into a clear plastic bag. Then I hurried back, and walked up the to the back door. I shook the bag at B and hostess C, and they gasped in utter disbelief. I sauntered into the kitchen, glowing with fury and leaned against a work table. De was near the window, talking to his mother. She spotted me and said loudly, "HEY... I like this girl!" De whipped around, and I grinned. "Oh De! You want your CD's back?" His eyes lit as he studied me, my arms behind my back with the bag. He started towards me, and I backed my way out the door.. scared. I dangled the bag in front of him when we were outside, and he could not believe it. "Oh, oh De... how fucking pissed are you!?" He was speechless, and began trying to rip the bag out of my hand. I didn't want to give it to him, suddenly realizing that I hadn't broken them up small enough. If he took the time to look, he'd notice they weren't his. I wanted the bag back, so I could crush them into tiny shards and he wouldn't be able to distinguish them. He's stronger than me, though, and had the bag. He took them into the kitchen, and threw them down on a table. The entire kitchen flipped. "OH NO SHE DIDN'T!!!" was the resounding exclamation. He looked through them, though, and started finding pieces that didn't look familiar. I smiled to myself, realizing that the rage had blinded me.. I hadn't thought clearly about it, so the prank's effect passed quickly.
Anyway. B, hostess C, and I ended up in the back parking lot with his CD's, fully intact, debating about what to do. Then his mother came driving through and stopped to talk to me. She seems to have developed an interest in me, and offered words of encouragement and support. "Keep the CD's, and make him dress up anyway. If he gets defensive, just taunt him. Tell him he has no balls. Start that rumor that he's gay all over again. Oh, and don't forget to take pictures on Friday. I have to go to some stupid pancreatic cancer convention, so I'll miss it." We laughed and talked a bit. As she left, B and C's ride arrived, and I was left there alone. I couldn't decide what to do. Completely overcome by anger, confusion, and disappointment.. I sat in my car, arranging the CD's in their case and trying to think clearly. Eventually I just decided to leave, and decide what to do later. I caught sight of De as I drove past the coolers, and as we stared each other down I promptly gave him the finger and sped away.
I was worried, thinking he'd be too mad to go through with Friday. But I started texting him this morning, and we've been discussing it. Seems as though neither one of us is fully angry anymore, although he is trying to make things difficult. He has to golf on Friday (oh my god.. the boy plays golf. could he be any less desirable?), so I had to make a compromise... he can change into his stupid-ass khakis for golf, but has to change back afterwards.
~sigh~ This is getting so annoying. I wish I could just stop thinking about it, but he has yet to give me any clear answers about tonight.. so I have to.

~A

the whole world loves it when you make that sound

2006-04-05T14:40:00.000-05:00

PIC00004
Originally uploaded by Pancakes.

"Pardon me, miss, but may I inquire as to your whereabouts last night at about 10:30 PM?"
"Uhh.. yeah, I was blowing De behind Bricks."
"In that case you're under arrest for being way too comfortable with your sexuality. You have the right to.."
"WHAT!?"

That was the dream I was having last night just before my mother yelled at me to not forget my appointment with the dentist at 11:20 AM.

I'm sitting here listening to De's Outkast CD. Last night as I was groping and being groped by De, S and kitchen boy C decided to play a practical joke and drive off in De's jeep. They transfered his 12 pack of beer and all his CD's to my car, then left. We were both far too distracted to notice any of the activity... not until the jeep disappeared. He had me pushed up against it, and the sudden movement made us stumble quite a bit. Surprisingly, though, despite how incredibly protective of and how in love he is with that jeep, (it's name is Dixie) he didn't much react. I would have expected him to be royally pissed. Instead, he grabbed my arm and pulled me over to the coolers to finish what had been started.
It was only after things were over, after I had teased him about giving me a kiss.. (eww) that he started calling C. They had driven up to De's house and left the jeep parked in the driveway. They had decided to make him walk. He refused, though, and since I couldn't find my keys, we stood there... awkward, alone, waiting for them to walk back down to Bricks. I couldn't help but laugh hysterically at him. He had a this look on his face that I'd never seen before.. and I was thoroughly amused. He didn't say a word, just smiled at me.. partly angry, partly confused, maybe slightly entertained.. but calm.
I work with him tonight, and am wondering what the situation between us will be. He surprised me by having no problem whatsoever with being friendly and talking to me after Monday night, when we had a quick encounter in my car. But after last night? I don't know. I can tell you one thing, though, I will be PISSED if he changes his mind about our deal. Have I not written about the deal yet? Holy crap.
So, Monday I got this sudden idea to see if I could convince De to go goth for a day. I didn't plan to mention it to him, but on an odd whim I ended up saying, "Hey De.. I've got a question. I'm just curious what your reaction would be if I begged you to allow me to give you a makeover.. and turn you into a goth guy for one day." He reacted as I expected him to.. completely against it. It wasn't until I offered him money that he even considered it. It took a slight bit of prodding, but it wasn't long before he agreed. I was COMPLETELY shocked. Never did I ever expect him to agree to something like that. So it's happening. Thursday night he's coming over so I can pull an outfit together for him. Then, on Friday.. he has to where the whole outfit to school, then come into work and show everyone, then go out with a bunch of our friends that night.
I think it's a really interesting social experiment. He's so used to himself and his normality. It might wake him up a bit to walk around and have people react to him in a completely different way.
Plus, it's gonna be totally hot to me. I doubt I'll get through Thursday night without attacking him at some point. De dressed up all hot and goth? De with eye makeup on? De with black spiking gel in his hair? Oh.. yeah. We're talking about some major kinky reactions here. I have to cool off after just thinking about it.
But that's not the point.
Everyone is freaking out. EVERYONE at work.. all of his friends, all of my friends, his family, my mother... this idea is sending a shockwave over this little Franklin community. I've already had 5 people beg me to be sure and take pictures for different reasons, mostly because they'll be out of town and will miss the event.
There's been talk of the tables being turned on me. At some point I may end up having to prance around in a blonde wig, light makeup, pink fingernails, and some skimpy, preppy little outfit. Seems fair. Hopefully this won't actually happen, though. I'd be scarred.
Anyway.
My mind is still stirring with ideas. This is such an oppurtunity.. I should take full advantage of it.

~A

skeleton of a smoking plain

2006-04-03T15:23:00.000-05:00

PIC00027
Originally uploaded by Pancakes.

Ahhhh.
Monday afternoon, and I have absolutely nothing to do at the moment. I was awake nice and early for the interview, which went very well. Then I drove my father back and forth to Fairview about forty thousand times. It was about the thousandth trip that I noticed myself shutting down, about ready to fall asleep at the wheel. By the time I got home I was in bed reading, and drifted off after a few pages. I didn't wake up until I heard my mother nagging my father about something. Somewhere off in the distance I heard the quiet call of my cell phone's message beep and my little soul swelled. Maggiano boy? There were three messages... two from S, and yes... one from the boy. Yay.

It's funny how my mind works, though. The first couple days I was all quietly distraught... OH GOD I HOPE HE CALLS. By the third day I was more indifferent. And today? I simply found myself wondering for a moment what it was that was supposed to be bothering me.
Really, that first part is torture, but in the long run.... I get over things, people, and situations at amazing speed.
I'm happy that he's responded to me, though. Now I've replied that I'm thinking about him, and the future couple of messages should allow me to coax him into coming to see me sometime soon.
Along with the satisfaction, though.. I feel like a bit of an idiot. Why am I allowing myself to feel for this guy? He's going back to Russia in June. Talk about a fucking heartbreak waiting to happen.

~A

where do I start?

2006-04-02T22:30:00.000-05:00

PDR_0727
Originally uploaded by Pancakes.

I'm glad today is over. I spent the entire day at Blue Cactus, "working." Things were bland, predictable, and depressing.
Tomorrow should be more interesting. I have an interview in the morning at a shop in Franklin. I have to find the two checks from Blue Cactus I lost today, and put those in the bank on the way back. Then I have to help my dad get my mother's car to be repaired in Fairview. Somewhere along the line I'm thinking about sending maggiano boy a message to inquire about any days off he may have this week. Then I have a shift at Bricks at 5:30. I'll be working with De for the first time in a week, although he's come in three times during his time off for spring break. Dumbass.

~A

so innocent

2006-04-01T16:19:00.000-06:00

1124850515_f
Originally uploaded by Pancakes.

It's amazing how just a few days, and a few odd situations can totally fuck with your brain. I've gone from same old same old everyday things, to having hope in a relationship with a perfect date, to falling head over heels for a chick, to being assaulted by a totally unexpected blast from the past.
So I spent yesterday trying not to think about it, but really just desperately hoping and praying that maggiano boy would call. I'm trying to go back to that point of indifference. If he calls, awesome, if not, oh well. Now that I've actually fallen for him, though, it's not quite so easy.
Either way, though, it was on my mind. By the time I'd left work and come home I'd gotten to the point where I was coming down on myself a little bit, trying to think of what could have turned him off. Not that I expected him to be calling the very next day, but.. I'd just thought about it too much, you know?
So S called and came over and we tried to think of something to do, only to end up driving out to Cafe Coco to hang out. We were standing in line so she could order something, and my eye was caught by one of the people working. It was a young woman, although at very first glance you might mistake genders. Her hair was short and slicked up into a mohawk, she was of medium height and had a slim, lean, very attractive body. She had a pretty face, and wore a boyish white and green tee with jeans and a belt. The cuffs of the jeans were rolled up a couple times to show some masculine but sexy black boots she was wearing. I've been attracted to one or two females before, but never so much that I actually tried to catch their attention. At first it was just a fun little experiment.. just to see if I could catch her eye and flirt a little. Unfortunately the first time we locked eyes someone's head got in the way so I couldn't see for long enough. The second time was quick. She was standing in the doorway to the kitchen, taking a sip from something when we looked at each other simultaneously. It was uncertain, but I'm sure she caught my drift.
That would have been the end of it if she hadn't kept coming into the back bar area and walking around to clean tables of past customer's debri. I couldn't help but keep looking as S and I sat quietly. I soon found that I liked the way she walked and moved, that she looked cute when she smoked, and that she had a great ass. Then she came up to our table to take S's empty plate. We were both flipping through magazines, ripping out anything interesting we found for a collage. "If you find any good pictures," she said suddenly, "save one for me...." I looked at her, smiling and trying to figure out what to say. I didn't understand what she added to that, but found out from S a few seconds later. She had said, "save one for me... I need one for up front," gesturing towards her face as if it needed to be covered. From that exchange I discovered I also loved her voice, and the cute tiny little gap between her two front teeth. I kept thinking about her, watching her when she walked by.. wondering how the hell to go about asking a girl out. It was a few moment later when S cut out a little phrase from her magazine and handed it to me. It was simply black lettering on white paper that said, "A body built for sin." Then it clicked. Perfect. I wrote my name and number above the lettering and folded it up to hand to her on my way out.
Unfortunately, things didn't work out that way.
S and I were sitting somewhat idley, not doing much. Suddenly, I heard someone come in, and I looked over for a quick glance. I gasped loudly. "Oh, oh my god," I said, getting S's attention, "Is that.... oh my god, that's Ty!"
Recap?
Ty's the first guy I met after T and I broke up. It was a quick, uncomfortable (for me, anyway) fling. We hung out a bit, did a shitload of making out and feeling up, and that was about it. I wouldn't sleep with him, although he remained infatuated with me until he disappeared... much to my slight relief but mostly indifference.
So yes. I hadn't seen or thought about him for the longest time.. and there he was. His hair was longer, but besides that absolutely nothing had changed. In fact I think he was wearing the exact same outfit he was the last time I'd seen him. I watched him for a few moments until he looked up and noticed me. He was at my side in an instant. "I know you," he said, "You work over by Publix..."
"Yeah," I said, "Are you Ty?"
"Yeah!"
He sat down next to me and we started talking, a bit excited by our random encounter. I found myself slightly attracted to him, and thinking about hooking up with him. It wasn't long, though, before I began to withdraw and realize that I had no further interest in him. We had made out in the parking lot a little, and he had invited S and I next door.. to some college guy's apartment. A group of people were headed there to hang out, listen to music, and smoke pot. So I agreed, and S and I tagged along. On the way out, Ty grabbed my hand and held it.. so I couldn't very well look for the girl I had my eye on, nor could I give her the folded magazine page in my pocket. I hope I'll see her again. But anyway, it was pretty cool, until Ty really started getting high. The higher he got, the louder he got. The more obnoxious, annoying... the more unwelcome singing he did. Plus, he was all over me. There was one guy there, Jon, who was freakin' cute and freakin' cool and who I exchanged glances with and wished he was the one with his hands all over me instead of Ty, the moron. I was very high, very relaxed, and very turned off. I gave him a quick kiss here and there, but otherwise pulled away from his slobbering mouth as he tried to turn me on. Eventually, Jon got up to leave and everyone was a bit undecided about what to do. I just looked at S and tried to send her signals that said, "LET'S GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE THIS FUCKER IS GROSSING ME OUT." Somehow she didn't pick up on the fact that I wasn't exactly enjoying myself, and started asking me if I was sure I was okay to drive.
"Yeah, I'm fine," I said.
"ARE YOU SURE?" she said, giving me this intent look.
"YEAH," I said, then mouthed quietly, "I WANT TO GO."
I didn't really intend to leave the area. Maybe I was high, and would drive suspiciously slow or something... I really just wanted to get away from Ty, and get something to eat. I soon realized, though, that we couldn't stay in the area. Ty was all over the place and I didn't want to run the risk of him finding me. So I drove us towards home and got a cheeseburger at Waffle House at 5 AM. I drove just fine... if not better then I do when completely sober. Once I reached home, I completely crashed.

So now, here I am. Very tired. A bit disturbed. Trying in vain to recover the calm simplicity of those days when absolutely nothing interesting was going on.
I hope I see that cafe coco girl again.
I hope Ty doesn't call me.
I hope, more than anything, that maggiano boy calls me soon.

Oh yes.. and I hope I can mellow out eventually.

~A

he'll be there

2006-03-31T02:33:00.000-06:00

1130188153_f
Originally uploaded by Pancakes.

I just returned from an amazing date. Everything just went so well between us, I'm left somewhat... surprised.
I sent Maggiano boy A a message earlier, asking when and where I would see him today. He ended up calling me, and we discussed things... ending up with the plan for me to call him when I left work so we could meet at Maggiano's. That call was the first time I'd ever heard his voice, and I just loved the boyish tone and sexy accent.
So I called him upon leaving Bricks, and told him I'd be there in about half an hour. I ended up running late, though, because I was talking to S as I was driving and was suddenly reminded by something she said that I was on my period and would definitely need to update the protection down there before ending up in the middle of a date.. bleeding all over myself. I ended up having to go to three different gas stations, none of which had bathrooms. 'Twas a bit worrysome, but I took the risk of going without, since I didn't want to keep him waiting too long. It wasn't a big deal, though. I mean... he had a bathroom at his apartment. (duh)
But anyway.
So it was a great beginning, because I pulled up to the front entrance of the restaurant, saw him standing on the sidewalk, pulled up, opened the door, and the first thing he said to me was, "I have a problem."
Oh dear god.
Turns out, he had just locked his keys in his car. So we ended up with a good amount of time to spend sitting around while we waited for the locksmith to get there and pop the door open. It was sweet, though, because he suggested we drive down to the park that was just a few blocks away. On the way, he said, mocking his key mistake, "Great first date, eh? Real romantic."
I smiled at him enthusiastically. So it was official... DATE.
It wasn't too long before everything was taken care of, so he had me follow him to the top of a nearby parking garage where you had to use a code to get through the gate a park in the Maggiano's employee parking area. He said my car would be safe there. So now I know the code. Heh heh.
Anyway. We ended up driving over to his apartment. The half an hour or so we spent talking and waiting for the locksmith had me liking and trusting him quite a bit. I mean, this guy is awesome. He's absolutely ADORABLE, has a great sexy smile, dresses pretty well, can carry on a conversation, is sweet, caring, respectful, and trustworthy.
I can't remember being treated so well by any guy. I don't think I've ever experienced a date like this one. We arrived at his place, he offered me a seat on the couch.. and he just went to work. He had music playing, he brought out a little table and set it with a well organized little plate of fruit, and poured us white wine. Music? Wine? FRUIT? OH MY GOD. He even brought me a stack of pictures to look through as entertainment while he set things up.
Somewhere along the line I asked for the bathroom, where I took care of the bleeding issues, wiped off my red lipstick, and put my hair up. When I came out, he had the history channel on the TV and had his laptop set up to show me a slideshow of photos of him in New York.
That was the date, mostly. We drank our wine.. got tipsy, and talked. Just talked up a storm. He has so many things to say... being from Russia, he compared our culture to theirs, and asked my opinion on political issues. We learned alot from each other. Turns out we communicate very easily.. and are fairly comfortable with each other already.
We were just sort of lounging around after a while, still a bit tipsy, and he started describing the first time he saw an ocean. I stared at him as he looked down, passionately remembering how beautiful it was to him and how badly he wants to live near it. It was this moment, when I realized I definitely had a thing for him. It was also right after this moment, that I watched him there... sitting on the floor in front of the couch I was on, that I wanted to crawl over to him and begin our physical relationship. I didn't, though. And he didn't make a move at all. Perhaps if we'd had more time, it would have happened. Instead, at about 1 AM my mother called. When he heard me asking what time it was, he got the impression that I needed to be home and hopped up to get his shoes on and head out. "Tell them we're leaving now," he said. A tiny wave of disappointment flowed over me. ~But... but..~ Oh well.
So we drove back to Maggiano's, and our thoughts drifted to our parting. Goodnight kiss? Any contact at all? I was actually planning to lean over to him before I got out of the car. I was hoping for a kiss... my physical attraction to him was growing by the second. Once he parked next to my car, though, I saw he was leaving it entirely up to me. He leaned back a bit and watched me as I gathered my purse to depart. I just said, "So you're going to call me, right? I had a really good time." He said yes, and agreed. So nothing happened. I left wishing something had, but telling myself that the wait and anticipation will make the experience even better.
I hope. Oh god I hope he calls me.
Now you see what I've gotten myself into?
Being alone was almost better. I didn't have to wonder if anyone would be calling. I knew they wouldn't. Now... the possibility.

I'm really going to try not to think about it.

~sigh~

~A

very special things

2006-03-30T01:48:00.000-06:00

multnomah
Originally uploaded by Pancakes.

I'm baffled by how amazing this day turned out to be.
Things started out slow with some sim playing and a trip to Publix for my mother. B had woken me with a call to confirm our date for the night, so I planned to be ready to pick her up at five. We ended up having an amazing time.
First, we went out to the cinema in Green Hills and got tickets for Brokeback Mountain. She was a continuous form of entertainment for me, as she was fully afraid of taking the chances I took without a second glance, like trying to buy tickets for an R movie. Apparently they card you in Coolsprings, but I wasn't much worried. Everyone guesses I'm at least 20 anyway.
We had a couple hours before the movie, and ended up strolling around the mall, stopping in at MAC, and doing quite a bit of flirting with the various young men out and about.
The movie was extremely good, and I even managed to cry at the end. At times it seemed to be strung out, becoming a bit dull and making you want it to get to the next point already, but generally it was the best movie I've seen in a while.
After the movie I took her over to Cafe Coco. She had never been in the area before, and was totally awe-struck. Being stuck in Franklin and Coolsprings, she acted like a little girl being introduced to the world... all wide-eyed and impressed. Cafe Coco alone excited her, not to mention the large amount of males. She seemed to be in heaven. Then I laughed at her as we took a walk around the block. She wasn't prepared for passing dark alleys, and was a bit shocked when we went through a group of men in front of Exit/In and I got blatantly checked out and called to. As I turned back to reply to the calls of "come back here, baby, I think I know you" with a mocking look, she let out a quiet, "Oh my god." She's used to Franklin, where the boys are timid and tend to look at her first... the less intimidating, more preppy one of the two of us. "It's too bad the guys who are aggressive like that are never cute," I said, and she agreed, chuckling.
We had an awesome time.

I had her home by between 11:30 and midnight. Somewhere along the line, Maggiano boy A randomly sent me a text message. We began a casual conversation when suddenly, it turned with this question he asked me: "Annie, what is the purpose of life? What do you think?"
I tried to call him a couple times, entertaining fantasies of us meeting up at cafe coco and spending the night in deep conversation, beginning with my answer to this question. Unfortunately he didn't answer, so I continued with the texting. At that point I realized I may not want to be home, so I pulled into a parking lot, turned on some music, and reclined my chair. I'd say I spent a good 20 minutes there, relaxing and sending messages back and forth with A. It progressed quickly, and I learned things I could not have guessed about him.
Turns out, he's Russian. He's actually a student who's come here for a year, studying languages. HOW FREAKING COOL IS THAT!!!? I was steadily reeled in as he described the situation to me, then said, "I need your help. Would you please take care of me."
"What do you need?" I replied, ever so slightly worried.. but completely touched.
"Just oral practice," he said. This raised an eyebrow, although I must realize if he really is Russian and just learning English, he probably doesn't realize the ways my sexually perverted mind could twist this innocent comment.
"Of course I'll help you," I said, beginning to develop an eager compassion for him.
"See you tomorrow," he said, ending our discussion.
"Alright. Wonderful."

I'm so un-freaking-believably excited to see him. What are the chances? I just happen to drop a stupid flirtatious note on a table, only to meet this awesome, foriegn, multi-lingual guy who's apparently interested in traveling and experiencing other cultures. Plus, he's cute. Plus, he thinks I'm "the most beautiful girl in the world."

Could I possibly ask for more?

~a

can love be measured by the hours in a day?

2006-03-29T02:10:00.000-06:00

debbie_4
Originally uploaded by Pancakes.

"I was so looking forward to not seeing you for a week."
I stared at De with a smirk as he absorbed my comment, clearly not surprised. Not ten minutes earlier he had come into Bricks despite having the week off for spring break, and had been standing at the end of the bar speaking with his mother, who was seated with a glass of some pink alcoholic drink. Now he had made his way to the hostess stand, and was speaking with new hostess Ca and I.
De didn't reply with a cutting comment, but simply muttered something like an explanation as he looked me up and down, smirked back.. and winked. I smiled and looked away, remembering how he had once described the suspenders I was wearing as 'sexy.' He then began talking to Ca, and I tuned out as I glanced around, taking note of how slim and attractive his torso looked in the navy blue tee he wore. There were white letters across his chest, but I didn't take the time to read them. Before long I had left them to greet and seat customers. He was on his way out by the time I returned, calling to his mother to say goodbye. The moment he was out the door, Ca turned to me and started describing their conversation.
Despite popular belief, it appears Ca and I will be getting along quite well. It all began when an awkward beginning to the night was shattered when she decided to speak the unspoken. "Do you think I like De?" she said, quite loud, and quite suddenly. So far his name hadn't been brought up between us.
Eyes widened in surprise, I laughed slightly, "Uhhh... well, I, don't....... I hadn't given it too much thought."
"I don't," she continued, "but everyone's saying I do since I talk to him so much."
I looked straight at her, locking with her gaze, and noticed a distinct concern in her eyes as she spoke. "It's just because he's the only person here that I know. You know?"
"Yeah," I said in an distant way. Then I decided to dive in and address the issue head on, just as she was wanting to do.
"It's just a big deal with everyone here, since De and I have had this weird, complicated thing between us for so long. When you came along and spent Saturday talking to him the entire night, it made everyone start saying how you're my 'competition' now," I shook my head in mockery of their assumptions and continued, "It's just entertainment for them, though, you know?"
"Yeah," she said and laughed a bit, "If you want him, by all means.. go ahead!"
I let out a hard laugh and shook my head, "No.. no. That's the thing now, I don't."
She continued, spewing forth lines, "I just didn't want you to think that I was going after him or anything if you like him. I could never date him. I didn't want you to hate me for it."
I continued shaking my head, assuring her that there was nothing to worry about.
"Plus, as much as he jokes about getting with me," she added, "He never really would. Wi would completely freak out and become suicidal."
This got my attention. I had been wondering about the situation, having heard about her ex-boyfriend Wi being one of De's best friends.
"Oh yeah," I said, "I was thinking about that. You said you dated his best friend for a year and a half, and I wondered why, considering that, De would go after you."
She nodded, and then began describing a complicated situation with Wi that involved jail time and future court dates. I had heard this latest gossip from waiter Ga when I had arrived at work, but hadn't been much interested.
"Oh yeah, I had heard about that, but didn't know if it was true." I said nonchalantly.
"Where did YOU hear it!?" she asked, surprised.
"From Ga." I said, pausing for a second, "Oh honey, you can't keep a secret in this place. The news and rumors spread like wildfire."

We talked easily for most of the night, and developed the beginning of a friendly relationship. She's open with me, and seems to like me enough, as I do in return. Her decision to address an issue that could have developed into a solid wall between us caused me to realize some respect for her. I'm now looking forward to getting to know her, and easily dismissing any jealousy, resentment, or misplaced distrust. We are two females who managed to not directly judge each other or allow a boy to come between us. It's amazing, I tell you. Absolutely amazing.

~A

I can't stop

2006-03-26T22:20:00.000-06:00

PIC00024
Originally uploaded by Pancakes.

Okay. So it finally happened.

I had a sex dream about my boss.

It was a few nights ago, and I hadn't given it much thought.. besides the initial 'eww' factor. But today while I was working my double shifts, the bossman was there all day.. and as time passed I started having flashbacks. Every once in a while I'd glance back, see him looking in my general direction, and *BAM* a vision of us in bed together would spring to mind. I believe I visibly shuttered in disgust a couple of times.
It definitely could have been worse, though. I mean.. it wasn't really a full blown sex dream, it was more a very inappropriate, suggesting sex dream and involved us in a bed, touching in ways that were just wrong, and playing footsie.
But my god. Of all bosses in the world, I'd be quick to believe bossman D is the worst to have a sex dream about. I don't find him the least bit attractive... and it's all.. just... WRONG.

Okay. So I just had to get that out there. Moving on.

Today as I was passing time between shifts I bought lunch at Wild Oats, then drove to the park to eat. I laid back in the carseat, played Damien Rice, and was all peaceful for a while. Then, stupidly, I decided to go fill up the gas tank and maybe stop by the library. If I had just stayed where I was, I would have been all at peace for the rest of the day... but I made the wrong choice.
So anyway, I was driving around a bit and decided to make a big circle through T's neighborhood and past Kroger to turn onto the road that the gas station was on. It's just easier to turn into it from that way. So, I was already a tad creeped out after catching a glimpse of the Kingdom Hall. It was the first time I've driven by and seen the parking lot full in a long time. Just the thought that there was a meeting going on gave me a sick feeling. Then, as I was passing T's house, I saw his aunt in the front yard. Weird feeling, since I haven't seen her.. or him.. or any member of his family in a REALLY long time. Then, as I was turning onto the road to get the the Kroger area, I glanced into a passing car only to see.. OF ALL PEOPLE.... ex-boy A. My jaw dropped as we caught glimpses of each other, and I think I muttered something to the effect of.."holy fucking hell." Do we need a refresher on who A is? He was one of T's best friends while we were dating, then I met A.. fell in lust.. and somewhere along the line ended up sorta cheating on T with A, then breaking up with him to spend a couple weeks wasting time and some serious first experiences on A. That time of my life was one of the lowest, most depressed I have ever experienced. A month later, I somehow managed to be forgiven and taken back by T.
So yeah. Can you say.. fucking blast from the past? Seeing him gave me a tiny rush, even though he isn't half as delicious looking as he used to be, but it only lasted a moment before I was completely freaked out. That boy hasn't even crossed my mind in, like, a year.
Eventually I made it to the gas station, filled up, and then realized I had locked my keys in my car. YES. Just what I needed. I ended up using the phone in the station, and having to wait a ridiculously long time out in the cold for my father to show up with the spare key. By then I had little time to get back to work.
I did end up talking to people while I was standing there, though. First a cowboy, who was totally hot and totally knew it, and was TOTALLY good at flirting. He knew just how to look at me in that way that just screams... SEX. The second an old black man, who gave me a sweet smile and only got $5 worth of gas. Then, the manager of the car dealership down the street. We talked about cars.

During the night shift De made a significant effort to bother me. I'm developing the suspicion that he's actually very, very smart. It's as if he has me completely figured out, and uses that to his advantage.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to figure me out? People who have known me my entire life are still struggling.
Anyway. He really got me when his mother and grandmother came in. I was super nice, and sat them in the nearest booth.. smirking at the memory of the night before, when he continuously asked me to save a booth for his grandparents in a certain section. I really, honestly tried to... but forgot to inform J, who sat the last booth right before they came in. De has not stopped harassing me about it since. So anyway, I was going about things when waitress H asked me to take water to them for her. Unfortunately, De had slipped into the booth with them.. and when I approached, they were apparently discussing the night before.
"IT WAS HER!" he exclaimed, pointing at me as I quietly set down the glasses. I looked at him, wide-eyed, and said, "What did I do?"
"Thanks for the booth last night," he said sarcastically. Totally shocked and not knowing how the hell to respond, I gasped, looked at H and said, "I TRIED!" and walked hurried away.
Can you say.... embarassing moment?
I can't even look at any member of his family comfortably. Every time his mother walks in I politely greet her only to have the thought, ~Hi, how are you, I slept with your son!~ So to be put on the spot like that, and to react in such an awkward way... I was mortified. I went on my way, trying not to let it effect me. Usually I can let these things slide off pretty easily, but somehow it stuck. De has never has any contact with me when his family was in the restaurant. To suddenly be pulled into the spotlight with all of them there was disturbing. I was wiping menus down when I looked up to see De and his mother looking at me. He gave me a teasing smile and waved, so I returned a cheeky smile. I was just waiting for him to leave the table and go back to the kitchen.. where I could get to him. Finally, he did. He was standing near the door to the kitchen, bossman D was closeby, and as I walked passed I caught De's eye and said quietly, "You are such a dick!."
"What?!" he said, and followed me.
He cornered me in the dish hole and asked, "What did I do?"
"Putting me on the spot like that in front of your MOM!? I mean, what the hell am I supposed to say to that?"
"I don't know.. how 'bout, sorry 'bout the booth, I fucked up?" he said.
"Oh yeah, in front of your GRANDMOTHER, say sorry I FUCKED UP!?"
He said something stupid about how she wouldn't care.
It was such an odd situation. Afterwards I heard H say, "Yeah, she's a weird-o," to the two women, and assumed she was referring to me. Oh god.
So this situation caused some hard thoughts to emerge.
A. Why do I care what De's family thinks of me?
B. WHY did I so openly let him know that I care what his family thinks of me?
C. Did he consider that, and did it freak him out?
D. When did I start taking offense at being called a weird-o?

~a

you're not invited

2006-03-25T23:19:00.000-06:00

e1c842d7f0b1f50301c13ea98ee1f255
Originally uploaded by Pancakes.

'Twas an interesting day.

I returned applications, walked aimlessly around the mall, went to work, then had a surprise visit from ex-hostess C which led to a night out at Cafe Coco.

I had organic maple and nut oatmeal for breakfast, tortilla chips with salsa and queso and cheddar cheese and sour cream and sprite for lunch, and coffee and french fries for dinner. I managed to be vegetarian, it seems.

Worked my first night with J tonight.. which went well. She's doing an amazing job. It also helped that we didn't get busy at all. Must be spring break that's taken everyone away.
De has decided to be all social with me again. It's beginning to piss me off, and I don't know how to handle it. I have the sneaking suspicion he's trying to get me to fuck him again. I have yet to decide how to react.
Apparently it's become a game of jealousy. I lie to him about my "boyfriend" and he openly flirts with every girl who has anything to do with Bricks. Fortunately the raging jealously I once felt towards any girl he looked at doesn't seem to exist anymore. I really, truly, honestly just wish he would leave me alone. I'm not even horny anymore.. the birth control has seriously lowered my libido, so it's not like I'm dying here.

Anyway. I've got time to waste... and I work a double tomorrow, so I'm sure to be thoroughly occupied. Oh yeah.. and B wants to go crazy this week since it's spring break, so I'll have to give her a call.

I'm still all confused... about this whole, having a life.. thing.

~A

maybe for now

2006-03-24T18:05:00.000-06:00

gl
Originally uploaded by Pancakes.

Okay. Everything seems to be going extroardinarily well for me right now. I'm seriously just waiting for it all to come crashing down. I can't believe I've actually had ANOTHER totally successful, accomplished day. It's freaking me out.

After having waffles made for me by S, I read the latest GQ and began formulating my agenda for the day. I was a bit worried that I wouldn't be able to get out, though. My mother has been recovering from surgery this past week, and sort of needs someone on call in case of emergencies. My father was back at work, so that kind of left me responsible. I discussed it with her, though, and made sure it was alright to leave her alone for a while. Then I got myself dressed (looking freaking AWESOME, I might add) and headed out to go a-hunting. Turns out it wasn't only jobs I would find... but an ocean of young, attractive men. They seem to have been out in droves today.
But anyway. I went to Downtown Franklin, and ran into ex-hostess C while walking, and picked up an application at The Shoe Boutique, a tiny shop that's hard to find and will most likely be going out of business shortly, just like every other place that's tried to be successful there. The girl was nice, although I'm finding it hard to remember her name... and it seemed like I could mold myself into the employee they're looking for. Young woman with style and a cool, friendly attitude. The owner will be in tomorrow, so I'm going back in the afternoon.
Then I went out to Coolsprings and took a long stroll around the mall. Sam Goody and Express caught my attention, so I talked to some people there and got applications. Then on the way to The Factory, I noticed a big NOW HIRING sign at Moe's Southwest Grill. On a whim I decided to check it out, only to see that McCalister's, which is right next to Moe's, was hiring as well. It also seemed like a place I'd be more comfortable at, so I stopped in there and actually ended up having an interview with the manager. She was excited about my availability, and told me that she was going to try to squeeze me into the schedule next week.. W, was her name, and she's going to call me tomorrow afternoon.

So.. yeah. That was way easier than I expected.

Now I'm just going to pass the time, then stop in at Bricks tonight for a visit. I guess I'll go in at 8:30 or so, once it's died down.

~A

da da da

2006-03-24T02:30:00.000-06:00

PIC00020
Originally uploaded by Pancakes.

Despite a slow beginning to the day, I actually accomplished everything that I had planned to. It's a really... stabilized... feeling. I have plans tomorrow, too. Let's see if I manage to complete them... even though I have a teensy tiny knot of anxiety in my stomach when I think about job hunting. I really hate talking to people, and the act of trying to convince someone who's trying to run a business that you are a mature, responsible, trustworthy person to hire... is a daunting task. It requires alot of... talking.
I'm trying to work on that, though. Like today, since I have my LICENSE and I can DO SHIT, I went out to Cafe Coco alone for the first time. It was great. I kept some time to myself reading and writing... but after a few hours ended up meeting about 6 new people. I actually started a conversation with someone. I never do that.
I can't believe it. I'm actually taking steps to improve myself. I'm teaching myself how to be social. And two guys I met said I was pretty. And that's a nice thing to hear when you're feeling all....... neugh.

So. After hunting for a day job tomorrow, I'm going to stop in at Bricks to check the schedule, socialize with my people, and maybe have dinner. Just got news that J is starting work there. I'm all... surprised. But YAY. Someone I actually kind of know, who I think will actually do her job!
But it's weird, since she seems to faithfully read my blog. I don't think anyone I work with reads this.
Anyway. It was good to have the break from work, because now I'm actually excited about going back. It'll be good to be sucked back into that little world... be re-introduced to a bit of stress. Talk to waiter Ga, and B, and C, and De.... since I totally get to torture him now that he thinks I have a boyfriend.
Heh heh. But that's a story for another time.

~A

you can't decide

2006-03-22T16:18:00.000-06:00

mourthe-content02
Originally uploaded by Pancakes.

Well, home again home again. And not entirely disappointed by that fact. I'd love to post a picture from the trip, but my over-zealous 'get shit done' attitude of the day has left me too lazy to go get the camera.

I suppose I'll start with the negatives of the trip, just so I can go ahead and get those out of the way. Basically, it was disappointing. I didn't want to get my hopes up, drive all day, and venture into a new state just to land smack dab in the middle of a clone of my hometown.. the one place I DID NOT want to be. We did things I'd do here, like eating out, bowling, and watching movies. The fact that I may as well have stayed home was severely depressing, and I spent a good amount of my time in North Carolina in S's brother's girlfriend's guest bed.
As for the positives, I greatly enjoyed the driving part. S and I took turns driving, and did so all day on Saturday to get there, and all day Tuesday, going through Gatlinburg and Pigeon Forge on the way back. There was something supremely envigorating about blasting music, and driving up to 85 on the freeway. A beautiful thing, I tell you... a beautiful thing.
The negatives led to positives, though.. because somewhere along the way I realized that in order to do some better traveling in the future, I'd have to take control of the situation. I'd have to get creative, save money, work hard, plan ahead.. and figure out where I really want to be. It was almost inspiring, in that I have this whole new hold on my life. And really, now I've begun to get shit done.

Like today.. I woke up at 10 AM, put my laundry in the dryer, made a list of ingredients I'd need for a healthy recipe I'd found in a magazine, groomed, took a shower, got dressed, folded and put away the laundry, went to Barnes & Noble and bought a travel book (1,000 Places to See Before You Die) and a healthy cookbook, stopped by Wild Oats for the stuff, went to Publix for the things I couldn't find, came home and made myself a healthy lunch (honey mustard chicken with asparagus and cous-cous... yes, I'm even trying new foods). Oh, and tonight I'm doing yoga... since I'm gonna keep up a workout plan now.
There's a special kind of feeling that comes with accomplishing things. I'm actually using my time away from work. Today is my last day spending any check money.. from now on I'm saving all of that and only spending tips. Tomorrow I'm going jogging/biking (whichever I feel like) on a trail in Fieldstone Park. After that.. once I'm cleaned up, I'm going hunting for a day job, then going to Cafe Coco for some time alone so I can do some research and planning... and maybe I'll stay for open mic. Friday, I'm doing yoga, job hunting, and stopping by Bricks for dinner and a quick schedule check. Saturday I go back to work.

It feels weird to have a life.

~A

we offer a sacrifice

2006-03-17T23:10:00.000-06:00

elvgren03
Originally uploaded by Pancakes.

Oh my God, I have problems.

'Twas a decent day. I spent a few idle hours with B, and had a smooth night at Bricks. Things came crashing down when I walked into the back parking lot only to see De's jeep parked there. He hadn't worked, but I was having sporadic thoughts about him, as I had spoken to him on the phone earlier in the day.
Seeing his jeep made me wonder where he was, why he was there, and what he was doing. Suddenly my content, calm plans for the night seemed ridiculous and I didn't want to leave. I gave myself excuses to stay longer, just to catch a glimpse of him if he left anytime soon. I left some things in the car, then walked over to Publix to hunt for some batteries I needed for the radio I use as my car's sound system. By the time I got back, he was gone. It was a little disappointed, but actually felt a little better. I hadn't found the right size batteries at Publix, so I drove over to Walgreens instead. I found the batteries, then got in the car and started working on replacing the old ones. I was having some trouble with the little plastic cover thingy, and was beginning to feel like a frustrated idiot, when a black jeep pulled up beside me. It was De. "Oh, you have got to be fucking kidding me," I muttered to myself. I stared at him, expecting him to glance up and see me. He didn't, though, and was absorbed in a conversation on his cell phone. Instead of walking past my car on his way to the front door of Walgreens, he seemed to disappear on the other side of the jeep. It took me a moment to realize he had walked the other way, and turned the corner leading to the back of the building. I fiddled with the plastic thingy some more, and sat there for a few moments.. contemplating things. Then I swiftly pulled out of the parking lot and went on my way, only to turn around in my neighborhood and go back... I was driven crazy with curiosity, wondering what the hell he was up to. Once I made it back, I pulled in just in time to see him walking towards a car with two other guys (young, cute guys I might add)... and I parked on the other side of the lot, trying to be inconspicuous. I sat for a moment, then turned and watched a white car drive out.. noticing De's head in the back seat. I wondered where he was going, and noticed the car had been stopped at a red light at the nearby intersection. Suddenly I realized, I could follow them. I paused, thinking it was an odd idea, then scrambled for my keys.. only to drop them. I didn't recover them until the light had turned green and I had no way of knowing which way they had gone. I was angry, confused, depressed.. wondering why I was reacting to him in such a way.. and so strongly.

Slowly, I made my way back to the house, and sat in the driveway.. desperately wanting to cry but not emotional enough to do so.

I am in dire need of a new distraction.

From a conversation in the dream I had last night: Guy: "Why are you being so nice me?"

Me: "I don't know. I guess I'm kind of like a guy... I'm only nice to you when I want to fuck you."

~A

why'd you do it?

2006-03-16T21:57:00.000-06:00

2
Originally uploaded by Pancakes.

Here's one of the shots from the photo shoot with the Delongs. I'm only posting one. It's definitely not the best, though.

Anyway. Got my license today.. 'twas amazingly easy. The guy didn't seem to care much, and everything went quickly. My first day with a license.. what did I do? Stayed home until about three, went to see S at the library (passed De on the way there), browsed the magazines at Barnes and Noble, filled up the gas tank, shopped at Publix for the trip, went to work, and came home. It was nice. Low-key, not very interesting.. .lacking creativity, but I was tired and had no frivolous money to spend anywhere interesting. B and I are celebrating tomorrow. I'm going to pick her up from school, and I'm sure we'll come up with a way to spend the 3 1/2 hours until I have to go to work. I'm surprised her mother was so quick to allow her to ride with me. For some reason the woman trusts me, of all people.

Tonight was a FRENZY at work. It started off slow, then completely blew up. We had a party of 20 at 6:30, and the exact moment they came in was the exact moment that EVERYONE else did. It was just me and new hostess S, so I was appropriately nervous, to say the least.
By the end of the night I was whipped, but extremely proud of my performance. I didn't fuck one single thing up. S listened to me, and we got along well. Things went smoothly, to my shock.

De has turned up the speed of the cycle, apparently. Tonight he went from the friendly greetings to flirtation... just like that. I shook my head at him and gave him angry looks, but I'm aware of the fact that I'm trying hard not to be loving the attention. I've had so many fantasies about that boy, they tend to end up all pent up and ready to explode. One tiny little touch could cause some serious hormonal warfare. I suppose I'll end up giving him a real hard time about this one, and REALLY make him work for it.
Hey.. at least I'm not in denial. I'm accepting the fact that I want him again, instead of desperately trying to convince myself I'm not the least bit attracted to him.
Who knows.. I could always change my mind.
Again.

~A

P.S. Hey julie.. if you're still by any chance looking for a job, we need a new hostess. Let me know.

stick to the promise that you made me

2006-03-15T23:37:00.000-06:00

caught
Originally uploaded by Pancakes.

I'm not sure what to say. Mainly because I have no idea what's been going on. I've spent the last few days thoroughly engrossed in The Sims. It's totally distracting. Like a drug... after a while of spending my free time in constructive ways, I began to feel the withdrawal. Now I'm back to pissing away life playing god of the little simulated people.

Well. I was out of the house yesterday to get my license. Low and behold, they've changed the system just in time for me... now you have to set up an appointment to take the road test. We unknowingly showed up without one, hence wasting a good half an hour or so driving there and back. My appointment is for tomorrow at 10 AM, though.. so that's good. I can't tell if I'm nervous or not. I'll be glad when it's over with, and I have no doubt that I'll pass. It's not like my life will change drastically or anything, I mean.. now it's just that all the driving I'm doing will be legal.

So Maggiano boy A is already getting annoying. He seems to be one of those cutesy people, and has taken to calling me things like sweetheart and princess. Eugh. I haven't had a single date or shared a real conversation with the guy.. and already he's pissing me off.
Speaking of being pissed off, though, De has begun acknowledging me again. Really, I would be totally satisfied if he could just ignore me and stick with it. Yet after our one night stand and the little fight that followed, he didn't just go ahead and forget that I existed, like usual. No.. he watched me, and caught my eye and held the gaze.. and therefore really made me mad. After rejecting me, I saw no reason for him to give me any attention at all. But now he's really gone and done it. Tonight, he actually talked to me. I found it unnecessary, considering that I've been doing amazingly well by ignoring him.. and have moved on surprisingly quickly. I was cold towards him, and continued to be uninterested as he asked me things and looked me square in the eye. But knowing him, this is just the beginning. I'm preparing myself for the process that may just take place again, the talking turning to friendliness, the friendliness turning to flirtation, the fliration turning into him wanting another quick, no-strings-attached hook up. I am yet undecided about how to respond. I think I'll simply do my best to stop the cycle, and keep us somewhere around the friendly stage. I have to admit, when there's nothing particularly intimate to deal with, he's can be a somewhat interesting, funny, entertaining guy. And I do like being friends with him. It's when it progresses, and things get more involved... that's when he becomes an asshole and I hate his guts.

Anyway. Friday is my last night at work before I have my week off. It's coming along quickly, and I keep forgetting that I'm actually leaving for a trip. I have to get my shit together. Find a bag to pack, wash and organize all my clothes, make some definite plans with S, buy some toothpaste. So far all we know is that we're staying two days with her bro in North Carolina. After that.... things are up in the air. I do think that's more fun, though. Figuring it out as I go is much more my style... I don't like plans. They usually don't work anyway. Tomorrow is my day. I have to get up, take the driving test and get my license, get my ass home and do the shitload of laundry I have piled in a corner in my bedroom, and start mentally organizing what to pack. Oh yeah, and get the tent out of the attic. Never know when you might need that.

~A

I can take care of myself

2006-03-13T14:38:00.000-06:00

pinup73
Originally uploaded by Pancakes.

Well, yesterday was surprisingly satisfying. Although I spent a chunk of time engrossed in a computer game, I still managed to feel as if my day off was sufficiently enjoyed. After wasting a few hours, I went out to dinner and had Mexican food that didn't make me sick, then rented a couple of movies. I was on the computer a bit more, waiting for the living room to clear out so I could watch Prime (unexpectedly good movie), and at about 11:30 I got a sudden text message. Surprised, I couldn't think of who it could possibly be. I decided it was probably S, maybe B... but to my shock, it was A, the bus boy from Maggiano's. I had completely forgotten about him, and as I saw the name above the message it took me a good few seconds to figure out who the hell it was. A tiny conversation ensued, and I just have to summarize what that boy said to me.
"I'm sorry I didn't give you a call, I was really busy. I'm still thinking about you. I'm sitting here, drinking wine.... thinking of how beautiful you are."

~SIGH~

Yeah. Saying I was pleasantly surprised would be an understatement. God, what a perfect end to a day.

~A

allow me to be frank

2006-03-12T12:40:00.000-06:00

libertine
Originally uploaded by Pancakes.

So. Last night after a long and irritating shift at work, S and I went to see The Libertine. I hated it. It was fairly well done. The actors were awesome, and the story was an interesting one. But.. my problem arose when I realized I'd have to sit through half of the movie watching Johnny Depp limp around, greasy and pock-marked, skin flaky and hanging in nasty globs. I cannot think of another movie of Johnny's that ever left me the least bit repulsed at his appearance. The man is too pretty for the pox. That nose is too perfect to be allowed to rot off.
But seriously, despite the depressing effect the movie had, I was pleasantly surprised to have a visual reminder of the 17th century. Forever Amber, the book I'm reading now, is based during the exact time that The Libertine was. During the Restoration.. when Charles II is ruling again.

Anyway. Normally I would be at work right about now... staring blindly out the Blue Cactus window wishing I was somewhere else. I somehow, quite magically, managed to get my shift covered... and I've been ecstatic. What? A day off? For me?!
Funny thing is, not an hour or so ago hostess C called asking me to come in. Apparently a waiter didn't show up, and they could use an extra hand in case it gets busy. HA! NO.
I am sick of feeling like Bricks is the only place I ever go and work is the only thing I ever do.
I've had a pleasant day. My mother isn't here. The weather outside is magnificent, so all the doors and windows are propped open. I woke up at 11, had a Krispy Kreme, read a few chapters of my book. The last thing I want to be thinking about right now is Bricks or Blue Cactus.

I'm determined to make this day pass slowly.

~A

I must have left it on the table

2006-03-09T17:48:00.000-06:00

tayph18
Originally uploaded by Pancakes.

I began the day with getting blood drawn at the doctor's office. That was lovely.
It improved a bit, though, when I got home and went for a long, vigorous bike ride around the neighborhood. I had planned to work on a shirt I've been trying to finish sewing for days now when I arrived home from that, but found myself much too tired to move. Therefore, I've been watching Dr. 90210 most of the afternoon.
I have to be at work in about 20 minutes. I didn't spend too much time on getting dressed.. and yet, I'm sitting here feeling pretty. Despite the fact that I'm dressed like a man. Sort of.
I've developed an extremely odd pattern concerning my style. Last night, I was particularly girly. Hair down and pushed back with a black plastic hair band thing, a short-sleeved long-cut stretchy shirt, a brown/black/orange plaid a-line 50's skirt, black stockings and heels of some sort. Tonight, I'm all.. androgynous. Hair in a bun, a black crop top over a white undershirt over a gray undershirt, with extremely baggy black dress pants, black belt, and solid black converse.
I haven't been putting much thought into my clothes lately.. just sort of throwing on whatever my hand lands on when I wake up in the afternoon. But I believe I've reached a point of no definition. Which, really, should be the best place to be I suppose.

~A

hey playgirl

2006-03-07T15:55:00.000-06:00

1139167697_f
Originally uploaded by Pancakes.

I went to Bricks for dessert last night, believing that I'd have tonight off.. hence spending at least ONE NIGHT away from that restaurant this week. Yet, of course, since the moment I woke up this morning B has been calling me repeatedly.. in a maniacal fashion, leaving messages begging me to take her shift tonight. She doesn't feel good. Again. I may be her best friend, but I'm sorry... my sympathy has dried up. That girl has piled so many shifts onto me and C, saying she doesn't feel good, or her parents are out of town so she doesn't have a ride. It has gotten to the point where C and I are more than skeptical. I probably will work for her tonight, even though I was planning to spend that time planning my vaca with S, but hell if I'll make this easy for B. She's gonna have to make a few more calls, and fucking work for my time.

I just did something completely out of the ordinary. Being bored, I grabbed the bicycle on the back porch that my mother has somehow acquired. I don't remember the last time I was on one of those.. had to be years ago.. but I took a ride around the block, then decided to drive down to the Fieldstone park and check out some trails along the river I could ride on. I ended up hiking quite a distance, and throwing some jogging in there. I've been wanting to start working out a bit more lately. Now that I'm on birth control I run the risk of putting on weight, so I'm paranoid about what I eat and how little I get up off my ass and move around. I have a weird thing about running or biking on streets.. I don't like the feeling that I get when a car passes, like they're watching me. So I think the trail I found it perfect. It's a bit separated from civilization. I think I'll make this a habit to get some cardio in.

I think I'll do a bit of reading. I'll give B a call at around 4.

(she's called twice since I started writing this. that's about 15 calls in all)

~A

breeze drifting on by

2006-03-05T15:21:00.000-06:00

PIC00008
Originally uploaded by Pancakes.

Leaning on the hostess stand at Blue Cactus this monring, I was passing my idle time with a novel I'd bought the week before. Every few minutes I'd glance up to check the parking lot, on the off chance some potential cusomters might be approaching. Country music I've developed an immunity to played quietly above, and a child's scream emanated from the one occupied booth in the restaurant. All was fairly peaceful. For me, however, things were about to be shaken. My bored yet content little world was about to be destroyed.
Pausing my reading for a sip of tea, my eye was caught by a family of four crossing the parking lot. I turned to watch them, only to notice a small puff of smoke rise. With closer observation, I saw the father, a rather unattractive hill-billy-ish old bastard clad in an orange shirt and jeans. He was casually smoking. What ruffled my feathers, though, was that he was carrying his very young daughter on his left hip, and each exhale of smoke was blowing directly into her face. The man didn't seem to notice and had a disturbing lack of concern. He just kept on smoking as they waslk, oblivious to the light breeze carrying each toxic puff into his daughter's innocent face. My heart dropped as I watched the little blonde girl reach up and rub her eyes in silence. I looked to the father's right, where his wife was walking, holding their son's hand. She was a heavy woman in blue horizontal stripes, whose hair matched the shade of her children's. I waited, watching her face as the husband offered her a drag. Surely she would object, or at least notice the problem. Instead she simply took the cigarette from her husband and sucked in a small puff, then handed it back as all the excess smoke wafted to her left.. towards her child.
I'm not usually one to be strongly judgemental. When it comes to children, I keep my distance and don't become emotionally affected or concerned. This situation, however, really jolted me. I was angry as their irresponsibility. My heart wrenched each time the little girl wiped her eyes in discomfort. I felt, almost powerless.. wanting to change things, stop what was happening.. while there was nothing I could do.
I myself am a bit of a social smoker. But my God. Seeing what I saw made me want to quit altogether. If I developed an addiction.. was so consumed by the habit that I could be so crude as to compromise my own young child's health and comfort.. I'd deserve to be stripped of any respect I'd required.
I stood there, hoping it was a fluke.. a one time mistake. This is reality, though, and I can now imagine this happening every day in so many families. What a sick, sad place this world has become. I continue to realize that I can't just expect people to be relatively intelligent, decent, and sensible any more. Those people are becoming more and more few and far between.

~A

how long has this been going on?

2006-03-03T13:42:00.000-06:00

PIC00005
Originally uploaded by Pancakes.

It's definitely been an up and down kind of week. From total depression to total happiness, blatant rejection to ecstatic praise... the universe can't seem to decide how to treat me.
Today is promising, though. Something like a calm acceptance, a simple dose of contentment.. seems to have settled.

I didn't think things could get worse with De. But to quote a character from The Good Girl, "As long as you can say you've hit rock bottom, you haven't." Things blew up horribly, in a disturbing way.. and I cried about it for the first time in several months. Stupid ass-face. I just wanted to use him, dammit.

Yesterday I had a photo shoot at Delong Photography in Nashville. Since I knew the people and felt comfortable, it went amazingly well. Seeing a few of the photos, I'm psyched, to say the least. I can really use them for my portfolio.. I mean, they just prove that I can fucking model, bitches. Yeah. I can work it. No matter the odd positions, back-breaking poses, uncomfortable clothes, disturbing hair-do's... bring it on. Mix that with an awesome photographer.. you have art.

So anyway. After the shoot, S offered me a ride and we ended up going out for a bit of a celebratory dinner at Maggiano's Little Italy. We got a freaking amazing table, with a full view of one of the dining rooms and a nice chance to check out a couple of cute employees. The first was the guy who poured water for us, and set up the little plate of olive oil and bread. He seemed to be the bus boy as well or something. He had blonde hair, a cute face.. he looked young. The other was a waiter, I believe.. with dark hair and dark features, and a killer stare. He brought us our dessert and noticed that I needed a fork.
I managed to carry on a bit of continuous eye flirting with both of them. The blonde guy, who we'll call A, was my favorite, though.. and as we got our things together to leave I spontaneously decided to leave him a little note on the back of our receipt. ..: "For the guy who filled our water glasses... A? You're cute! Call me.. (615) 969-**** ~Annie"
I suppose I figured... what the hell? Why not. If he calls, cool.. if he doesn't, so what? It's not like I'll ever have to see him again.
Believe it or not, though.. I actually heard from him. Today at about noon, he sent me a text message saying thank you for the 'you're cute' comment and saying he would call me. Holy shit.
This is good, though. I could use a date. A chance to move on from certain things, a chance to hang out with someone new.

That reminds me of something else, though. Former kitchen boy C has been keeping in touch with me since he left Bricks... wanting to remain friends. Now he's asked me to round up some people to hang out with.. De included on the invite list. I told him I would try to make things work, but... I wish I didn't have to.

Anyway. I recently learned how to knit.. and have hence begun making a mini-skirt for Edi. :) I may do a bit of work on that before work. Either that or a sewing project I'm doing for myself.
It's just good to be up... to have something to do.

~A

~A

If I'm a stranger to myself

2006-02-27T16:49:00.000-06:00

beauftil
Originally uploaded by Pancakes.

I woke up today just in time to take a quick shower and get myself dressed to go visit B as she left school. After that I dropped some books off at the library and checked out a couple of movies.
Now I'm home... baffled at the fact that once again, I didn't get caught.

'Tis a day for celebration. After much anticipation, I have finally reached my time of the month. Never before have I been so happy about such a thing. Yet this is so well and good because now I know the condom didn't break or have any microscopic holes in it, I'm not pregnant, and I can start taking the pill on Sunday.
Yay!
Yay for me!
Yay for De!
Above all, YAY for TROJAN!

Ah. I'm going to relax today. Read a chapter of my book, do a bit of sewing. Try not to be depressed.
You know, the usual.

~A

are you blind?

2006-02-26T23:49:00.000-06:00

peter
Originally uploaded by Pancakes.

Today was interesting.

I struggled to get out of bed for a good 3 1/2 hours... then had to leave for work. My mother had left for work, and my father was out in the studio.. so I just left. Getting a ride seemed undesirable... so I just got in the car and went on my way. I ended up working, having four tortilla chips and a sprite for breakfast, then stayed out until 5 PM without anyone noticing I had left the house.
I went to Barnes and Noble and bought a new book, since I've already finished Doing It. The new one is called Amber Forever, by Kathleen Winston. One of those stories about a 17th century woman and her crazy life. On my way over there I called S to see if she wanted to see TransAmerica on my day off this week, and ended up deciding to go out to Fairview and stop by her house. We went out for lunch, watched a few episodes on her Scrubs DVD, and I left around 4:30. On my way back I called B, who was going in to work.. so I stopped by to see her and ended up getting some key lime pie to go and talking up a storm with waiters Ga and Ja.
I was home for a short time, then hooked up with S and R for bowling. My hand is killing me now.. the last time I went bowling I was on an actual date with De. Yeah... long time ago. Actually, I may not have even bowled. I just sat there and chatted with hostess C while De ignored me. I flirted with K to make De jealous (he then paid a bit of attention to me), and ended up going to the bathroom with his phone to surprise him with pictures of my boobs.
Yeah.
Good times.

After bowling I ended up driving around a bit more and calling B. I sat in a parking lot talking with her for a while, then.. out of sheer boredom, tried to call De. He didn't pick up. I'm just thinking... "Pick up the damn phone, boy, I'm horny!"

That just seems to be going nowhere, though. I might actually just have to go out and find myself a boyfriend. Problem is, I don't really want a relationship right now. I mean... emotional involvment, having to do shit and call and talk and worry and try not to be clingy and wonder what he's doing and blah blah blah.
I just want some sex every once in a while.
You'd think it wouldn't be so difficult right now.

So anyway. Now I'm home, thinking of the key lime pie and new book that awaits me.

~A

it's sizzlin' right now

2006-02-25T15:28:00.000-06:00

PIC00012
Originally uploaded by Pancakes.

As Black Eyed Pea's Pump It blasts about the room, I'm rewarding myself with my snack for the day (I'm only aloud one per day now.. and I did Pilates earlier!) and every once in a while I glance back to take in an eye-ful of the work of art that stands behind me. It took me eight hours to complete, 6 AM to about half an hour ago, and I am overwhelmingly proud of it. Plus, I get to wear it to work tonight. And since it's so perfectly made for me by me I will undoubtedly look freaking awesome.
Okay, before my head explodes, I'll explain.
See I had this great coat from Hot Topic. I bought it for my last trip to Taos, and have worn it fairly regularly ever since. With the winter months upon us, I developed a habit of wearing it to work. It was warm, dark, gothic, original, and different from anything anyone else would wear. It was great.
Then newbie hostess S came along. I wore the coat on her first night, and toward the end of the shift a bunch of us were hanging around the bar when she mentioned that she had the same coat.
"Ah, see," I said, continuing the conversation, "that's what sucks about Hot Topic. They have original stuff, but they have alot of the same original thing."
She nodded and agreed, letting out a small and simple 'yeah.'
Low and behold, the next night she worked I happened to be there snapping a few pics of B and waiter Ga when she came in..... wearing the coat. She wore it that night, and the next night she worked, and the next.
I'm sorry, but this is just a BIG no-no in the goth community. (At least, in MY version of the goth community... shall we say, my own twisted little world?) So naturally, I was royally pissed. Instantly, I began conjuring up design and alteration ideas.
With work so heavily on my mind last night, I was thinking of her and her shortcomings. The list included things like: being a slow busser, being a bad communicator, and wearing the god damn coat.
It was after I posted, I had read a few chapters of Doing It and I was laying in bed desperately trying to fall asleep as I began to think of nothing else but all the different things I could do to make the coat mine again. It was hours into my struggle when the ultimate idea popped into my head.. and I just had to get up and sketch it. By that time it was 5:30 AM or so, and I wasn't feeling too tired. I kept thinking about getting to work on the project, so I quickly decided to just start the day without the sleep. I got up, got dressed, made some breakfast, and got to work.
It was totally inspired. My motivation just grew as I cut and sewed and altered as I saw fit. Now it's there on the dress form... unfinished yet perfect. That's the beauty of this.. I can always change things. I can always add more, and I probably will.
I wish I had taken a before picture, but since I was too hasty and forgot that small detail, I'll just have the describe to my best ability.
Before it was a black knee-length trench coat with a huge silver zipper down the right side. In the center was a bit of non-functioning corsetry done with black string and silver grommets. The sleeves were long, with a strip of grommets around each cuff, and a big collar to top it off.
I cut the sleeves to 3/4 inch and tailored them to fit snug around my arms, used some grommet strips to accent them, lobbed off the collar, removed the corsetry, and used remaining grommet strips as a little tie in the center of the back to pull in the waist. I also took in the sides so it was more form-fitting.
Now it's just awesome and I cannot wait to wear it.
I pulled some bits of fabric from the attic.. various colored things that I may cut into strips and make ruffles ouf of to add to the sleeves. It's very.. sophisticate.. right now, and I think playing with some color will artsy it up a bit.

I don't know, somehow doing this to clothes just validates me.

~A

i will never be with you

2006-02-25T04:33:00.000-06:00

PIC00013
Originally uploaded by Pancakes.

It's about this time.. 4AM.. every morning that my bed begins to call to me.
I've opted to come here instead.

Work was crazy. Unfortunately I ended up running the door, therefore apparently responsible for every little thing every single hostess did. Like S, the newbie, who managed to piss me off to high hell.
Bossman D was like a hawk.. watching our every move and giving me a significant dose of the evil eye as if I were doing everything wrong. In general, I'd say things were okay. He managed to nit-pick over everything anyway. Perhaps he had had a bad day... he's been known to take it out on me before.
Anyway.
It's been a significant rule NOT to seat any tables without silverware for a good long while now. Us hostesses have had our jobs threatened and our fragile hearts broken by bossman D's wrath on more then one occasion in regards to a roll of fucking silverware gone missing. Therefore, when I instructed S to seat a table of seven, when she returned I looked her square in the eye and said the following: "Do they have enough silverware there? You need to go check.. and if they don't, make sure you take them some." I then returned to my stressful routine.. trusting that she could handle the simple task.
Was it really too much to ask?
It wasn't too long after.. things had died down a bit and everything seemed ok. Then, pizza girl E passed by and told me the table of 7 needed silverware.
WHAT? HUH? They have their food and no silverware?
I promptly grabbed 7 rolls, went over, apoligized for the inconvenience, and gave them what they needed.
Then, it was on. I looked over just in time to see Bossman D making his way up to the hostess stand. I could read the frustration in him, and noticed B at the front.. a vase of innocence about to be shattered. So I jogged up and went on defense, knowing exactly what he would say. I was mad.
D: "Now why the hell..."
Me: "I SPECIFICALLY asked S to take silverware to them, and she just didn't do it!"
D: "Well, come on now. There's four of you here tonight.. is it really too much to ask!? Can't you just take a look around and realize.. hey, they have no silverware.. and take it to them!?"
Me: "I was completely distracted, I didn't have time.."
D: "This shouldn't be happening."
Me: "Well I'm sorry, I wish I hadn't been busy.. but I asked S to take them silverware when she sat them."

He walked away, shaking his head in disapproval. I've gotten to the point where I don't just take it anymore, though. I don't just get wide-eyed and silent, only to end up apoligizing profusely. B and I... our fragile hostess hearts have become rock hard over time.
Of course it doesn't change the fact that he's the one who signs our checks. At the end of the night he rounded up the three of us.. B, C, and I.. and had a talk. Which, in his language, means he speaks TO us, not with us. We don't get a fucking word in edgewise. But whatever.
So now.. he wants us to not only keep everything smooth and flowing and happy.. but he wants us to ask and remember everyone's name. He plans to score points in business by having us be able to pull each and every re-visiting customer's names out of our asses.
I've been working there for a year and have only recently begun to remember a couple of specific names.. and these of people who come in practically every freaking night. Now, suddenly, I have to know everyone by heart?
Eugh. I am not that nice and caring.
He gave us a little homework assignment. We should be able to come to him and ask the names of any regulars we don't know over the next few days.
I'm dreading tomorrow night like no other.
PLEASE BE SLOW PLEASE BE SLOW PLEASE BE SLOW!!!!!

~A

and it doesn't make sense

2006-02-23T22:26:00.000-06:00

PIC00009
Originally uploaded by Pancakes.

I'm sitting here with Edi on my lap, watching her head move as she follows the mouse arrow on the screen. Is that not just torturously adorable? I love this cat more than life itself.

Today I made a bit of a half-hearted decision to start taking better care of myself. The scale at the doctor's office revealed a weight measurement that I could have done without, and lately I'm just not feeling like the best I could be. I'm not doing anything drastic... but working out and eating less seems like a good start.

I got a new book today! I ordered it from B&N and I am so ridiculously excited. It's called Doing It, by Melvin Burgess. I've been pining for a new book like crazy... I can't wait to sit down and start reading.

"Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea."
~Robert A. Heinlein

~A

winds are whipping waves up

2006-02-23T02:35:00.000-06:00

PIC00011
Originally uploaded by Pancakes.

Where to begin.

It's been an odd couple of days.

Yesterday was bleak and depressing. I spent the majority of the day in bed. I was momentarily encouraged when S came over with movies and enthusiasm.. but managed to deny myself the contentment by randomly mustering up the nerve to call De and break out the sexual future inquiries. I quickly made a step back when the conversation led to him exposing something about his past. Something I wish I had known before we slept together.

Today began horribly, as I had a doctor's appointment. It was tiresome and mind-numbing, but I was able to leave with a birth control prescription... ~dun da da DA! glimmer of hope~.
After a visit to the pharmacy and a nice bowl of goat cheese pasta at Bricks.. I was surprisingly energized and ready to work. The night was up and down... you know, semi-depressing at times yet mildly encouraging at others. De was there, which managed to make me feel thoroughly awkward and impressively horny all at once. Waiter Ga was there as well.. and he managed to lift my spirits a bit during one of our many bizarre and inappropriate conversations:
G: So! How was it the other night with (insert odd nickname here) De the other night?
Me: ~smiles~ Uhhh...
G: Oh come on. Was it everything you hoped for?
Me: Well, it was everything I expected.
G: ~laughter~ Well you got what you wanted.
Me: Yes. Yes I did. Despite many obstacles, I got what I wanted. Now the next challenge is making it happen again.
G: What? Again? With De? Why!?
Me: Well I don't know.
G: Annie, you could do so much better. You are a FINE young girl. I mean, you're a fucking model. Go out there and find yourself some pretty boy.
Me: Eh. That's too much trouble.
G: Yeah, well.... De?
Me: Hey.. he'll be good practice.

Anyway. I need to find some other way to entertain myself now.

"Will you please stop throwing potatoes at me?"
~me

~A

his lonesome nights are over

2006-02-21T01:02:00.000-06:00

PIC00019
Originally uploaded by Pancakes.

God, what a frustrating world I've become enveloped in.

My art project began amazingly well, but now of course I've reached a stalling point. I need more material to work from and I'm out. Considering that I couldn't get the fuck out of this house today.. I was unable to gather more.

Of course I'm so absorbed in my independent, don't-need-anybody schtick, that I can't conjure up the balls to call De and simply ask the lingering question: Was this a one time thing or are you coming over again? I think I'm so stuck on avoiding being needy or clingy, that I've gotten to a point where I compromise my self and my wants.
I've been like this for a while, though. Even back when I was dating T.. something would happen.. and I'd completely freak out. I'd be totally on edge and emotionally drained, thinking all sorts of horrendous things until we were talking again. Then I wouldn't mention a thing about it, and act as if everything was and had been just peachy.
I remember the first time I ever really snapped at him. I told him exactly how I felt, and wasn't stingy about expressing the raging anger. Not long after, he broke up with me.
Perhaps that relationship fucked me over more than I realized.
How can I possibly still love him?

By a twist of fate, I have tomorrow night off work.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do.
The night after, I'm pretty sure I work with De. I'll be disappointed if I don't. Cuz, you know.. I seem to take some distinct pleasure in torturing myself.

`"Who you sleep with does not define who you are."
~Dana of The L Word

`"I keep trying to remember that when Jesus closes a door, he opens a window."
..
"That's to leave something you can jump out of."

~Saved!

~AA

ease on up

2006-02-19T18:15:00.000-06:00

PIC00001
Originally uploaded by Pancakes.

I took this photo of myself about an hour or so ago in the Walgreens parking lot. I snuck out of the house and drove myself down there in a fit of inspiration. ~I must do a huge art project. And I must spend $51 on cheap art supplies from the drug store down the street.~ I was on the phone with S at the time. I bought a pack of AA batteries and decided to test out the camera when I had a moment.
A few minutes later I stopped in at Bricks to snap pictures of things to work from. The subject: Bricks Cafe. The medium: Undecided. Although I do know I'm using foam board as canvas.

~A

maybe if I act like that

2006-02-19T05:59:00.000-06:00

wee (4)
Originally uploaded by Pancakes.

I was woken up at 1 PM today by a call from M. Luckily the shoot was re-scheduled for next week.
I really need to get my patterns switched around again and stop sleeping through the entire day. I've decided not to sleep tonight, I'm just going to ride it out until Sunday night, crash, then be up at a decent time on Monday. It's amazing how I continuously manage to become nocturnal.

As far as De goes, I'm feeling pathetic. He called me Friday night, asking me to come over. I came up with some solid excuses, (managing to leave out the fact that from previous experience, I know my car can't make it up the steep hill in his neighborhood), and left saying I was sorry but that I'd see him at work the next day. Sure enough, despite my desperate attempts at courage... I couldn't say a word to him during the shift. We managed a few hard stares and sexy glances, but avoided further contact.
Since arriving home, it's been an exceptionally long night. I didn't take into consideration the fact that now that I've had sex, I crave it 10 times more than I used to. Upon becoming ferociously frustrated, I gave in and began trying to reach De. He didn't respond to a text message and didn't answer my call. So I settled for calling B to complain.
She had a few things to say as well. Apparently she is now planning to hook up with a long time uhh.. "acquaintance." When I asked why she was suddenly so willing to lose the big V, she made some scary comment about having to keep up with me. I'm exactly one week older than her. Odd that she'd be losing her virginity exactly one week after me.
I hope she doesn't regret this, I'll feel oddly responsible.
What a crazy, crazy life.

I'm not sure what to do about De. I'm still quite unable to read the boy, although I wouldn't be surprised if he's feeling the same as I am.
I've just entered an entirely new field, and it's hard to learn exactly how to handle it.
Like, what do I do? Catch him off gaurd, grab him, throw him against a wall and demand he get back in my bed before I spontaneously combust?

Huh. That might work.

~A

louder

2006-02-17T23:18:00.000-06:00

PDR_0964
Originally uploaded by Pancakes.

It's been a day of mixed emotions. The first thing I did was call B to inform her of my increased lack of innocence. I pleaded that she not be upset and explained that I wanted her to hear it from me first.... just in case.
At work she seemed excited and squeeled about "DETAILS!" I think I disappointed her. She wanted to hear that it was amazing, mind-blowing sex that left me baffled in ecstasy. Instead, she heard something more honest, "It was a little awkward, VERY painful, and took longer then I expected. I bled, and only moaned in discomfort. NO I did not come. YES of course he did."
I didn't mean to be so discouraging. There were positives as well. I don't regret it. I'm glad it's over with and I'm no longer virginal. It's good to have my curiosity about De mostly out of my system, although I do want to do it again. (He'll be good practice if either one of us manages to get past the insane awkwardness that promises to be between us tomorrow night at work. I hope he wouldn't mind me being blatant about using him. HA! As if he isn't using me.)
Any more positives? Oh yes... it being the first time I saw him completely naked.... he has a beautiful body.
It's almost inspiring... like I want to do an entire art project based on his features.

I actually need to get to bed fairly early tonight. I have a photo shoot tomorrow morning at 11 AM.
We have these customers who come into Bricks all the time.. Mel and Mi. Mi is a photographer, and Mel is.. I don't know, some important part of the business. Anyway, I've seen some of Mi's work, and it's absolutely amazing. They used hostess C for a project, and it was stunning. So, I was pleased when they asked me to come in for a shoot with them this weekend. They have a couple of top notch makeup artists coming in, and after one shoot they have alot of time open, so they wanted to fill it with me. They've hinted at doing a 50's concept, and want me to bring in a couple dresses they've seen me in at work. I'm pretty excited. It's free, will be good experience, and I could definitely use the shots for my portfolio.

~A

your pretty face

2006-02-16T22:16:00.000-06:00

paulin07
Originally uploaded by Pancakes.

Well, I just lost my virginity.

That was boring.
And rather trivial.

~A

in the middle of nowhere

2006-02-16T01:20:00.000-06:00

paulin10
Originally uploaded by Pancakes.

Hmm. Life is interesting.

I was woken today by a call from Da. He wanted me to work at Bricks so E could make pizzas and hostess L from Blue Cactus could take my shift over there. I don't really know what the point of that was... all I know is I was happy. I'll take Bricks over Blue Cactus any day.
So I worked with B, Ga, E... and De was there as well. He got me all hot and bothered tonight by cornering me in the back room. I don't have a clue what he was talking about, I only remember the end of the conversation. I spread my hands over his chest, pressing him back towards the doorway as he snapped the suspenders I was wearing and told me they were sexy.
"Guess what," I said, changing the subject.
"What?"
"I need a ride home from work tomorrow night," I paused, watching him as he started to reply, "Because my parents are going to be out ALL NIGHT."
I smiled at his excited reaction. His eyes lit up.
"DAMN!" was the extent of his verbal communication.. he seemed to like the way I had told him that. The rest consisted of him putting his arm around me, then hitting my ass as I walked away.
We did alot of distant flirting for the rest of the night. We'd catch each other's eye over all the people between the hostess stand and the kitchen and strain to see over as more people walked by. He'd nod at me all sexy like and stare me down as I bussed tables.
I know this is a bad idea. But it's a very, very fun bad idea.

So the new hostess starts tomorrow. I'm hoping we'll be moderately busy.. at least enough to keep everyone occupied.

I just spent a very long time doing my hair. We're talking rollers and styling gel. It looks damn good right now. I'm really hoping it holds up for tomorrow night.

Ah damn. I have to get up early enough tomorrow to groom myself and straighten up my room.

~A

suzie blue

2006-02-14T21:47:00.000-06:00

pinup69
Originally uploaded by Pancakes.

Home again, home again... and hoping to god my plan to take E's shift at Bricks and get my Blue Cactus one covered tomorrow works out.

I didn't realize today was Valentine's Day until last night. We were completely swamped and I am now thoroughly zapped of all energy and hope.
Surprisingly, even though the only Valentine's gifts I got were from my father and some regular customer at work.. both old, unavailable, undesirable men.. I'm not too depressed about this "single awareness" day. I may still be unattached and virginal... but I'm okay with that.

I have alot of writing, eating, and cleaning to do.

~A

I'll know where I want to be

2006-02-14T00:51:00.000-06:00

jana
Originally uploaded by Pancakes.

This has been an interesting day. I woke up at noon and stayed in bed until 6 pm, when S called wanting to hang out. Since we didn't have money or any interesting destinations in mind, I ended up taking her hostage and driving all over town. We ended up going to Bricks to see B and having dessert, talking to G and K, stopping by at sister M's condo, and looking at paint swatches at Lowes. After that, when I was waiting in the parking lost of the Shell gas station as S used the bathroom, I started texting De. I asked about his jeep, made fun of myself for coming in to eat on my only night off this week, and ended up saying I was going to come and see him since I was so bored. It was right as all the kitchen boys were getting off work, so when I got there I ended up talking to C about B and her asking him to prom.. WTF!?.. then spending an hour or so smoking and hanging out with De and K. It was pretty interesting. We talked, wrestled over hats, and I let K drive my car around a bit. After that S and I went to Wendy's and ended the night after sufficiently stuffing ourselves with chicken.

I don't know what I'm going to do with the rest of my night. My nails are in dire need of a manicure, and I'm still fully entertained by the Grand Theft Auto game I rented. Perhaps that's what my future holds... manicures and Grand Theft Auto.
Hmm. I like the unlikely combination there.

~A

dance, dance

2006-02-12T23:31:00.000-06:00

PIC00017
Originally uploaded by Pancakes.

Well, at least I know and accept the fact that I'm psychotic. A few minutes ago I snuck out of the house just so I could drive down to Bricks and make sure De wasn't lying to me. For some reason I sent him a little message hinting that he could come over tonight if he wanted. I mainly did this, not because I was horny or in dire need of attention, but because I was bored. His reply was that he was at home, and didn't have a car because his jeep was left behind at Bricks with a flat tire. At first I was relieved, because the thought of him actually coming over was making me nervous and seemed slightly.. creepy.. but then I began to wonder about things. Like what if he was just blowing me off to get me back for all my avoidance and new hard-to-get attitude? So I just had to drive by and make sure that jeep was there and sufficiently debilitated by a faulty tire. It was there. I'm pretty sure the back right tire looked flat. I didn't bother to get out and get a closer look.. it was way too fucking cold, but.. at least it was there. Knowing De, he wouldn't leave his precious jeep anywhere unless he had a damn good reason to.
Not to mention.. he probably wouldn't blow off an oppurtunity to get laid.

So anyway.
Somehow a strange conversation with my mother today revealed that she feels I'm going to waste all of this talent I have. Talk of art classes and record deals has begun floating about the house.
I'm all for the art class. As for music? Well fuck... I literally have a studeo in my backyard, I might as well use it. I'm trying to conjure up some song ideas. Of course, it seems like having relatives like mine would give me the upper hand here, like maybe I'd have some idea of where to start. But I don't. I don't have a clue. Although I do think I'm going to try to write a poem a day for a while. I mean, material is material, right? And you never know what surprising things can end up on the page.

~A

I'll go where I like

2006-02-11T00:10:00.000-06:00

1124291137_f
Originally uploaded by Pancakes.

Well. I just got home. A few minutes ago I was with De, sitting in his jeep in the driveway, debating everything from what I'd do if he came on to me to whether caramel is pronounced care-a-mel or car-mle. It's fucking care-a-mel I don't care who disagrees.

I wouldn't say we've solved anything. Now he knows about my conflicting thoughts, and now I know why he wants me. Besides that.. it's still a mess.

Well. I'm off to sulk, think about De, dream of New York, and color my hair.

~A

you're lookin' like you like what you see

2006-02-10T01:58:00.000-06:00

gothic28vd
Originally uploaded by Pancakes.

Every night at work this week has managed to be mentally and emotionally draining. This De situation is ridiculously out of hand. The boy is adorably pissed about the outcome of things, and everyone seems to want to get involved. I'm questioning myself at every turn, now. I half expected tonight to be completely different then it was. Since he called me last to yell at me about his vandalized jeep, I imagined coming into work only to be confronted, questioned, attacked, etc. I was ready.. confident and looking extra sexy.. only to find he wasn't even there. He managed to get his shift covered... the little coward. Hence, instead of arguing with him the entire night, I ended up being told "the truth" about the situation by kitchen boy C. I don't know what to believe anymore, nor can I figure why Da would lie to me about De.
I'm really trying to be indifferent right about now. Instead, all I can do is think about... certain things.
We have a new hostess starting tomorrow night. I refuse to deal with another moronic little twerp who can't do her fucking job. I WILL complain if she slacks off. Of course I can't help but wonder what she looks like. Will De flirt with her?
Probably.
But I'm not thinking about that.
Nope.
I'm not.
And I don't care either way.
So there.

I am so fucked up.

~A

the blood on our hands

2006-02-08T23:00:00.000-06:00

PDR_0968
Originally uploaded by Pancakes.

The other day I had taken S hostage in my car, and was driving in circles around town. We were passing a big white Catholic church when she made the comment about it, saying, "Jeez, that church is SO BIG!! What are they DOING in there!?" I gave it a moment as I made a sharp turn in the opposite direction then answered, "Sacrificing kittens."

I'm sitting here in an oddly clean living room. I'm listening to music... as loud as I want to. I'm typing, and hearing a slight echo. I'm enjoying the fact that this room is no longer being used as a bedroom. Yes, my sister has moved out. Back into her generic little condo dwelling with her generic shithead husband.
Hence, this enjoyment is quite bittersweet. Because although it's nice to have the space back, I'd rather sacrifice it.... in fact, sacrifice everything possible... if it just meant a better outcome for my sister. True happiness, a more promising future, a mentally stable and attractive husband.
I'm angry. Angry angry angry right now. I'm sorry, but I'm just not the type to step down and act like everything is okay. It's not okay. I don't like the bro-in-law, so hell if I'll act like I do.

The De situation has come crashing down and is proving to be a horrific mess. After he began ignoring me again after I told him I wasn't okay with sex without attachment at this point.. he called me yesterday to curse, threaten, and accuse me of screwing with his jeep. Apparently, someone threw some sort of drink all over the car. I'm assuming this happened during school, since he called me at about 3pm. I knew nothing about it, and ended up high-strung and nervous after his threats. No, I don't really think he would do anything to me... but I don't necessarily want to have to deal with this. Of course he wouldn't tell me who had told him I did it, but if he wasn't just trying to mess with my head, than apparently I have one more enemy than I thought.
He sounded so mad.

I've become engaged in a battle with my mother after she suddenly decided my New York vacation plans weren't okay. I don't know if she thinks I'll give up or compromise.. but it's not going to happen. I'm going on my vacation, I don't care what she has to say about it.

I had my aura photographed the other day, and it was so right. You take in with your left side and give out with your right. My left side was blood red, showing I'm taking in nothing but frustration right now.
I'm angry, unhappy, depressed, and frustrated. I can't take any more of this suburban bullshit. I'm about to crack. There's too much I want to do too soon. I can't become my mother. I can't compromise my life because of her fears.

~A

Not About Love

2006-02-05T18:38:00.000-06:00

56573094GS458_The_63rd_Annu
Originally uploaded by Pancakes.

She was head hostess
He manned the grill
A goth girl? A redneck?
... What the hell?

Fair skinned and quiet,
No one could guess
The fire within her
And that little black dress.

Strong and close-minded,
He judged by her clothes.
But it's never too long
Before attraction shows.

Held back by differences
Full of curiosity...
A battle of the senses
And social animosity.

Doomed from the get-go,
No matter their approach,
Somehow it ended.
Confusion? Anger? Woe?

Months came, and months passed.
It wasn't until.
She considered an arrangement
Of sex without attachment

Then he called and sent messages...
Just wouldn't give up.
Though she wanted it too,
She wasn't some slut.

So he tried to get laid,
And she tried not to fall
For his sexy persistence
And tempting call.

Once again, they fought.
She knew how to piss him off.
And once again, it ended,
Unresolved, and never mended.

~A

your wicked words are working... holding me down

2006-02-02T23:08:00.000-06:00

PIC00021
Originally uploaded by Pancakes.

Alright. So I'm freaking nice. In fact, I manage to give him the satisfaction of knowing the situation upsets me. But I know it doesn't matter.
In fact, I'm going to take a vacation. To get away from him, from work.. from everyone there. I haven't asked for any more than one day off the entire time I've worked there. I think I deserve my break.
Nearly every crush I've ever had has been the type that fades with separation. Give me a good chunk of time away from the person, and I'll pretty much forget about it. So I'm sure the only reason I've continued to notice De is that I see him nearly every night. I should give myself what I can... a week.. to clear my mind a bit. When I'm done posting I'm going to start surfing for some interesting road trip destinations.

As far as men in general go.. I'm going to take a hell of alot more time off. I discovered yesterday that it is now exactly six months until my birthday. I've decided to swear off men until then. Six months alone.. no dating, no hooking up, no sex, nothing. It will be a critical time to focus on more important things... like school, work, and getting the hell out of this house. So, since it's always when you stop looking that the boys start showing up.. I figure if I meet anyone I can simply pursue a friendship with them. If they're really interested, hopefully they'll understand and wait a few months. We'll know each other before we start dating.. and once that birthday comes along we'll have a foundation to build that relationship on. If I don't meet anyone, hopefully that type of thing will be off my mind and I'll be more centered with myself.

So anyway. I've got shit to do.

~A

rip out the wings

2006-02-01T12:49:00.000-06:00

1130472060_f
Originally uploaded by Pancakes.

Ah, the power of young male libido. De has called me more times in the past few days then he has in the past year. I almost feel bad.. cuz he is SO not getting laid. Now that I have the chance, I realize I don't really want to. Plus, apparently he doesn't realize that people at work have respect for me.. hence when he gloats and tells them about what he "gets to do,".. then adds in a comment about how he treats me like shit and I still come back to him.. I'm gonna find out. And I'm not gonna be too happy.
It's amazing to me.. how after all the bullshit, I can still be nice enough of a person to feel like I should let him down easily. That doesn't mean I'm going to.

~A

better not look him too closely in the eye

2006-01-30T16:01:00.000-06:00

gordin
Originally uploaded by Pancakes.

Never ever ever... ever, have I ever done anything that made me stop and think, "Am I trying to grow up too fast?" I've never gotten myself into something I felt like I wasn't ready for. Nor am I ever the type to admit that I'm afraid of anything. But now I have. And now.. I'm scared.
Suddenly, now that it's so very close.. so very there, and real, so within reach that all I have to do is make a single phone call and it's on my doorstep.... fun, meaningless sex seems like one of the last things I need to be putting myself through right now.
God... how many times do I have to learn the 'be careful what you wish for' lesson?!
Suddenly, I'm realizing I'm uptight... and smart.. and I think things through. I'm way more careful then I'd like to admit.
It was exciting when it seemed like it wasn't ever going to happen. Now, things are different.
I wrote this yesterday. Maybe it will explain things more thoroughly. I warn you, though, it's not very well written and gets a little cheesy here and there.
A Little Story

"You still interested?" I ask, watching him work. I know very well what he'll say....
"Sure."

We're alone, the kitchen is warm and metallic. I feel safe. Safe, yet exposed beside him, beneath the penetrating fluorescent lighting.
His hands are moving, slowly, precisely, pressing together a vat of unappealing ingredients. Red spices, flecks of green, pink meat and gobs of yellow butter. It's clinging to his fingers as he lifts them and glances at me.
Those eyes... deeper than you'd expect. They've seen my bare, pale skin.
Those hands.. strong, a little rough. They've been all over me.
"Lovely, isn't it?" he says, smirking.
My stomach turns as I gaze at him and ask what it is.
"Crabcakes."
I pause.
I can't believe what I'm about to say.
We're quiet, while my mind screams and he waits for my voice.
.
.
.
"Okay. I say we keep this simple. I call you, you call me, (DAMN, I'm thinking, I wanted to say 'you call me' first), and.. (I lose track of my speech for a moment).. or whatever. And when I say fuck BUDDIES I mean fuck buddies. Which means it doesn't happen once, then you just ignore me the next day. Okay?"
He nods, "Okay."
"We're still friends, okay?"
Still nodding, he doesn't look at me as he repeats his okay and pushes down, deep into the sticky mess. It looks cold.
"Okay," I pause.
Why am I doing this?
"Then I'll talk to you later," I say breathily, and move around him, careful not to touch.

I can feel the suspicion in the air as I turn and see a co-worker surveying me with questioning eyes. He wasn't working during the past few days. He missed everything.
Everyone will know eventually.
Everyone suspects it anyway.

A moment later I'm sitting next to my father as he manipulates the gears of his tired manuel S-10 truck, driving me home. I stare at the road, I don't say a word.. barely hearing him speaking.
Images of the night before are still swarming before my eyes. That boy's hands on my shoulders, smoky breath on my neck. I can't help but smile at the memory. In the deep dark of the back room of Bricks, we exploded with avid, pent up fascination. Tired yet pulsating from wrestling with him, our bodies tight together as we battled for his hat, our excuse to flirt to exhaustion.. I fell back against a cooler door as he stepped closer. Just a moment, and his lips were against mine. My fantasy fulfilled..... it passed so quickly as we stirred and grabbed each other. The subtle night air was stale with smells of freezing meat and burning cigarettes. Just like I always imagined, it was perfect as the door to the kitchen flew open and in spilled the light. Ripping away from each other, we smiled with desire and guilt. Almost caught, but not quite.

I think I'm hoping he never calls.

~A

of constant sorrow

2006-01-29T04:43:00.000-06:00

PIC00012
Originally uploaded by Pancakes.

I don't think I know how to describe what I'm feeling right now. It's keeping me awake, though, and now has me sitting here at nearly 5 AM eating animal crackers while googling for statistics on condom failure.
I don't want to be afraid. But I don't want to be stupid, either.

~A

is it all you want it to be?

2006-01-28T16:17:00.000-06:00

PIC00010
Originally uploaded by Pancakes.

I don't remember when I updated last, but it has been an interesting few days. I'm all wrapped up in the stress of work and the odd feeling of happiness I've developed as my wall collage continues to grow. I've fallen into the habit of playing some O Brother Where Art Thou tracks I found on a old mix cd of S's, while laying on my mattress. I put my feet up against the wall and just stare. All the little pictures melt together and look absolutely beautiful.
I got a call from hostess J about 5 minutes ago. She and I have unexpectedly become good friends. Therefore, I've been getting into more trouble then usual. After running into De at the mall today, J has become convinced that she is getting fired tonight. Therefore I, being the friend who was dragged into the middle of what she is supposedly getting fired for, might just be losing my job as well. I can see her getting fired. I'm friends with her in certain areas.. but not in business, because to be a bit malicious but totally honest... she's useless. She rarely does any work, and usually screws it up when she does. Emotional, dramatic... needy. Bossman D obviously hates her and has only kept her on because without her we don't have enough hostesses in all. With me, though, it's not the same situation. B was there when he commented that, "Annie and B are the best hostesses I've ever had." He seems to respect and appreciate me, and though our interaction is limited and not exactly enthusiastic, it's comfortable. We seem to have an understanding. Plus, with the very few hostesses we have, only a couple of them hard workers... he can't really afford to lose me right now.
I think I know De pretty well. Therefore I won't be the least bit surprised if he was just fucking with J's mind, knowing she'll fall for whatever he says and consequently have a nervous breakdown.
So basically, I'm not worried. It's slightly bothersome to hear your ass might be on the line, but you can't believe everything you hear.

I guess we'll see, though.

~A

candlelit smile

2006-01-23T15:34:00.000-06:00

2
Originally uploaded by Pancakes.

I suppose alot has happened. I almost lost my job on Saturday. But I don't feel like explaining why. Everything in my outside environment is a little blah right now, but I've been looking more to myself lately. I've completely re-vamped my room. It's amazing, and I'm now spending the majority of my time in there, creating. I have about fifty projects on the brain right now. I also dyed my hair AGAIN. I really love it this time, though, and I'm probably going to try to keep it this color while I grow it out. It's a dark brown, kind of like the anime girl's hair in that picture, but I left some chunks of red in it, so you see a few flashes of a fiery red here and there. I need to get it trimmed, but I don't want to lose much length. I want to grow it out long, like the anime girl's. It was almost like that before, until I went and chopped it off.
Anyway. I'm off to hole up in my room for the rest of the day.

~A

hold me close

2006-01-19T22:58:00.000-06:00

1126482447_f
Originally uploaded by Pancakes.

I'm feeling happier then usual today. Perhaps it was the $80 I spent on fabric for a prom dress I'm making. ~PROJECT!!@!!!!!~ Perhaps it was the high amount of attention I got from De at work. ~project?~ Perhaps it was simply the fact that I did stuff today, and felt alive for the first time in weeks. Whatever it was... I'm okay with this whole happy and satisfied thing at the moment.

I am wondering when the hell I get paid again. I'm seriously low on funds and find myself more and more disappointed in myself and my spending habits. It's got to stop.

Anyway. I suppose I should get my room straightened up so I can start working on that dress. I have until April, though. Maybe I'll let it sit and torture me with promise for a while.

~A

be at peace

2006-01-18T13:33:00.000-06:00

SA
Originally uploaded by Pancakes.

I've been significantly depressed lately. With the blatant rejection by Dr, the mind numbing antics of De, and my complete sense of alienation from every single person and environment I know... I'm feeling icky. With what was supposed to be a couple of productive days off from work, I've found myself in a sick little cycle of telling myself I HAD to do something interesting with my time, and consequently ending up spending the day in dirty clothes, wasting time and eating. I feel entirely useless. And now I can't even try to make up for it with my day off today, because just as I was getting up and planning to get busy with SOMETHING for God's sake, B called and asked me to take her shift tonight. I felt like shooting myself in the head... and had no choice but to accept. I'm seriously considering asking for a week off and planning some sort of odd vacation for myself. Since I may never get to see Taos this year, which makes me want to cry, perhaps I should at least go somewhere. This whole routine thing is really starting to get on my nerves.

~A

sits by the water

2006-01-15T13:51:00.000-06:00

PIC00027
Originally uploaded by Pancakes.

I'm sitting here with a sketch of Edi that I might send in as my final drawing for an art credit, a half eaten grilled cheese sandwich made from an American Pateurized Prepared Cheese Product, and apple juice. I have to work AGAIN tonight, and the next night, but Tuesday I'm definitely off and I'm looking forward to that. I know De will be in the kitchen tonight, and considering our interaction last night.. something will probably happen. I'm determined to do what I've been telling myself I'm going to do for.. probably months now.. which is, CLEAN MY FUCKING BEDROOM FOR GOD'S SAKE. I don't even want to know what's making it smell like moldy ketchup in there... but I'm sure I'll find out. I have to do it today. I have to do laundry, because contrary to my expectations we DIDN'T get paid Friday.. therefore I can't go out and blow it all on work clothes and red shoes. I'll have to pull something together for work from the mountains of clothing I've somehow accumulated... only about half of which I actually wear on a regular basis. I should work on that. ~Wear more of your clothing.~
I'm somewhat proud of myself. Last night I flexed my social muscles while at Cafe Coco and actually talked to someone new. Unfortunately it was a quick reminder that you cannot judge by appearances. Despite his multiple piercings, and what at first came off as a pretty mellow attitude, a few minutes of talking proved that J was much more immature, jumpy, and hyper than I was in the mood for. It was a step, though, and even though I have no intention of calling the boy.. I've at least learned that it's much easier to just talk to people than I've believed in the past.
Speaking of which, hostess C gave me Dr's email address last night. I have it in my wallet, next to his senior picture.. which B gave me. So now it's just sitting there, waiting for me to pick it up, type it in, and start a relationship. Oh boy.

~A

so glad to see you

2006-01-14T15:03:00.000-06:00

PIC00005
Originally uploaded by Pancakes.

The chances that my night at work will be excessively stressful are promising. So I do wish I could spend the few hours before I have to be there in a completely serene environment. Instead I'll have to work on school crap.

I'm sitting here a little hungry, with thoughts of De's Bricks hat, which is on my floor at the moment, the possibility we'll be lacking a third hostess tonight, which will suck... alot, and the fact that my sister is moving back in with that pile of shit she calls a husband, which makes me sick.
What do you call this state of mind? Unrest?

~A

it's just the way the operation made me

2006-01-13T15:19:00.000-06:00

PIC00010
Originally uploaded by Pancakes.

I've realized that I'm in a very unbalanced state of mental confusion at the moment. I can't decide on anything.

De started talking to me again last night. He had tried before, only to be rejected. Now I've decided to let him back in. Although I have no consistent feelings for him, I do want to be friends with him. Not friends with benefits, or friends with possibility of dating, or friends with continuous flirting. But that's what we naturally became within an hour or so... friends with continuous flirting. I'm scared to death that the same thing is going to happen again, the same old cycle will continue. That's exactly what I promised myself I wouldn't let happen again. Yet somehow, even though I was in control there for a while.. now that I've allowed him back into my life, I already sense him taking over again.
What I need to do is start dating someone else. Dr.. B's friend.. is still in the running, and I really need to pursue that further. Before I get past the point of no return with De, I need to set up that barrier. I've moved on, and I am not okay with the possibility of being sucked back into the twisted, fucked up little world of De. Mine is already fucked up enough as it is.

Eugh. I feel disgusting right now. I need to bathe... and clean everything around me. This bedsheet I'm wrapped up in right now needs to be washed, my room needs to be cleaned, I have to organize my closet. AAAGHHH! CONTROL!

~A

your loving mind

2006-01-11T14:43:00.000-06:00

PIC00005
Originally uploaded by Pancakes.

It seems I've turned a corner and am now eating everything in sight. For a while there I never had an appetite. I would eat out of necessity, not out of desire. Now I've totally switched gears and found myself in constant need to be chewing something.
I don't know if this qualifies as an eating disorder or not.

I really should dedicate my day to finishing this god damn sophomore year. It's not much of a problem, I just have to correct tests and crank out another drawing.. but I'm having trouble getting around to it. This school shit promises to seriously cut into my creative and leisure time.
I should feel fortunate, though, I've been hearing alot about the new Franklin High School that I would be going to right now. They've just moved all the students into the new building and torn down the old building. Most people seem to think the new one feels like a hospital. I can't imagine still being in school.. having to be up at 7 AM instead of noon.. spending 7 hours of my time locked up in a hospital-like building with people I hate instead of at home alone.. having to follow rules and obey everything some moronic, unfair teacher says instead of having just about no authority besides my down-to-earth boss at the job I love. I'm really fortunate and happy in the place I'm in right now.

Tonight I'm working, and am not looking forward to the mix of people I will be with. Hostess J was fired quite a while ago, much to everyone's satisfaction. Now, somehow, she's back... (goes to show just how desperate we are for an additional hostess) and is working with me tonight. I might not be dreading it so much if De wasn't going to be there as well. I distinctly remember talking to him, and saying how happy I was that she was gone. Knowing him, he probably told her. Damn.. I don't want to have any enemies among us hostesses. So far I've miraculously managed not to be on bad terms with any hostess I've worked with. Maybe that's about to change. Although, by no means was I the only one who rejoiced when her ass was gone.

Whatever... I'm just not looking forward to her lazy, cry-baby ways. She is cleaning the god damn bathrooms tonight, I don't care how much it hurts or how hard she cries.

~A

for the first time

2006-01-10T16:11:00.000-06:00

rochas
Originally uploaded by Pancakes.

I'm sitting here.. vaguely pissed off after being informed that I'm failing History and my art credit is incomplete. Well fuck me.
I have to draw another portrait, correct another history test.. and this god damn OPI nail lacquer advertised as black with a sparkle is NOT black, it's shimmery dark grey. If they think the free Swiss Guard antiseptic handwash gel is going to make up for this catastrophe they've got another thing coming.... dammit.

~HUFF~

~A